It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City - full transcript

Oh, my God.

There's a masturbating bum in
the alley. He's masturbating.

Yeah. I know about that guy.
Masturbating bums are bad for business.

Yes.
I saw that guy's wiener.

He's gonna rip it off one of
these days. It's disgusting.

It really is. This whole goddamn
neighborhood is going to shit.

There is a deteriorating situation
here, and we gotta do something about it.

We should get a junkyard dog. Okay?

A really mean, nasty junkyard dog.
Ooh.

We'll chain him up in the alley.
We'll scare away the bums. That's it.

Charlie, it's not just about our alley.
It's about this whole neighborhood.

I think we should make this whole
neighborhood safe again. Yeah.

Kind of leaning towards the junkyard
dog idea. You like the dog idea?

I'd go for a dog.

Now, first order of business

is thanking Jean
for working so hard...

on our monthly
crime watch newsletter.

Uh, do you have a question?
Yeah. New to the crew.

Uh, quick question about
the uniform situation.

Now, I like to cut my sleeves
off. It's kind of my look.

So I'm wondering if the tailor is provided
for us, or I'm left to my own devices.

We don't have uniforms.
Now, but... Yes?

Yeah. Will you be
providing the weapons?

No.
No.

Oh! I get it. Okay.
We go buy the weapons.

We tell you how much we spent,
and you reimburse us. Great.

It doesn't work like that.
You gotta give him a receipt.

Oh, I would make a copy of the
receipt. You give them the original.

I would give them the original and I
would keep the copy? That seems stupid.

That's how reimbursement works. If something
happens to the weapons, I'm shit out of luck?

You just ask 'em for the original
back. I'm sure they got a system.

Why would they keep the original?
I'm the one that bought the gun.

Oh, it's a gun now. It's
always been a gun, Dee.

Excuse me. Hi. Hi. We
don't carry weapons.

We're just a neighborhood watch.

Wait. So you people
don't apprehend criminals?

If we see anything
suspicious, we call the police.

The police? The police.

The streets are flooded with
the ejaculate of the homeless...

and you people are
counting on the police?

Clearly we are gonna have to
handle this ourselves, Dee.

You, sir, have wasted my time,
and the time of my associate.

Dee, get my coat.

You hear barking?

I don't hear no dogs. They'll
run out and bite you in the nuts.

They're probably sleepin'. You don't
wanna wake 'em. Probably chained up.

I don't hear a dog.
We'll ask this guy.

Excuse me, sir. Where am I
finding your junkyard dogs?

My what?
We wanna buy a junkyard dog.

We want the most vicious one you
have. Yeah, a really nasty dog.

Really nasty dog.
We don't have no dogs.

What...
I'm sorry.

Is this not a junkyard?
You don't have a dog?

We got a cat round here somewhere.
Cat?

We don't... We don't
want a cat. Walt a minute.

Wait a minute. Believe
me, that's a tough cat.

It was born in a pool of gasoline,
on a piece of rusty scrap metal.

I've seen that cat jump
through barbed wire...

into a vat of hot tar.

That cat...
Is indestructible.

We don't want no cat. Great.
It's a cat. We want a dog.

Well, now, wait a second. I wouldn't
mind taking a look at that cat.

Come on, dude. What are we
gonna do with a cat? Whoa.

Go ahead. Knock yourself
out. Is that a cop car?

You guys, if we park that in
front of Paddy's, no more bums.

No problems, period.

Is that old cop car for
sale? Everything's for sale.

We'll take it.
And throw in that cat.

This thing's cool, right?
Yeah, it's very cool.

The seating's a little tight.
The seating is very tight.

It's cramped.
Well, I know it's cramped.

Maybe if a certain someone
didn't buy a certain something...

there'd be a little
bit more room up here.

This guy's not the problem. This guy's
not the problem. You're the problem.

I'm the problem, dude?
You're the problem.

Why don't you jump in the back? I called
shotgun. You have to get in the back.

I wanna fiddle with all
the gadgets. Fool with 'em.

Why are we stopped?
Yeah, why are we stopped?

It's a red light.
We're in a cop car.

Make 'er sing.

Boom.
We look so stupid.

We look awesome. Throw that on.

I'm not putting on a
beret. Gotta wear the beret.

It's terrible, and I don't get
the point. It sends a message, Dee.

The Guardian Angels wore
the same, exact outfit...

when they cleaned up the streets
of New York City in the 1970s.

We look like Rerun. You know what
I hear when you talk like that?

A scared little girl who's
never had anyone fear her.

Fear is power, Dee.
Don't you get that?

It's like a drug. Once you get a
taste of it, you can never get enough.

If I promise to wear this stupid
thing, will you stop talking?

Absolutely. All right. Let's roll.

What's that?
That's my mini bat.

You're gonna hit that bum?
No, I'm not gonna hit anybody.

That's the best part about
fear and intimidation, Dee.

All you gotta do is look the part.

Now what do you think
about these suspenders?

All right, you ready?
I mean, I guess so.

Let's clean up the streets.
This is how it's gonna work.

You're gonna walk right up to him.
You're gonna kindly ask him to leave.

He's gonna see me
with the bat, looking tough.

He's gone.
That's it?

That's all you need to do when
you look like a badass, Dee.

That's not gonna work.
Yes, It will.

Oh, Mac, I can hear It.
Come on. He's smiling at me.

All right, give me the bat.

You know what, asshole?

You like that, bitch? Huh?

I am not your little pinup girl...

for you to tug
your rotten pecker at!

Go on, get out of here.

You're one crazy bitch.

I don't wanna see you or your
dirty balls in my alley again!

Whoa!
Yeah.

Yeah, you took my bat.
I kicked that guy's ass.

I would have helped
you. I need my bat back.

That was awesome. Okay, that was,
but next time just don't take my bat.

Heyo! Freeze, punk.

Cool, huh? Gonna ride around In a cop
car, can't do It In street clothes.

People'll think you stole it.
That's awesome. Where's mine?

Uh...

Uh, well, Charlie, these
things cost me a pretty penny.

Yeah, Frank really sprung for
all the bells and whistles.

You shittin' me?
You didn't get me one?

You guys know how I love dressing up
in costumes. Dude, that's bullshit.

Charlie, you can't have three
guys dressed in cop suits...

in the front seat of a cop car.
No.

It don't look right. Plus
we need room for Agent Bauer.

Well, who's Agent Bauer?

Oh, come on. You're gonna let the
stupid junkyard cat ride up front?

It smells like it's been dumped in
a bucket of piss. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Do not refer to him
as a junkyard cat.

He has a name... Agent Jack Bauer.

Come on, I don't wanna ride
around in the back seat. Charlie...

You can be disguised as an
undercover cop in the back seat.

Yeah, dude. Then you can wear
all the disguises you want.

Damn it! That is such a good idea.

No one's gonna know, dude. I'm
gonna be, like, "You're busted.

Hello. How ya doin'?
You're busted. "

All right, let's get you
back to C. T. U., Agent Bauer.

Ho!

Over here, pal.

Hey, hey. Boys in blue.

What's shakin', pal?
Ahh.

Hey, you fellas hungry? Couple
my best dogs, on the house.

That sounds like the move.

Yeah, you boys cruise in
one of the old models, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah. This is a place of junk.

They're cuttin' back. The
brass is breakin' our balls.

Say, what'd this guy do? We caught
him diddling kids over at a playground.

Yeah, he's a perv. We're
gonna bust him up good.

You just go and get us a
couple of those tasty dogs.

Okay, okay. Let me
see what I can do, huh?

Okay.
Okay.

Holy shit, that actually worked. These uniforms
are gonna pay for themselves 10 times over.

You're brilliant, man. You
know what else I realized?

They didn't even realize I was
an undercover cop. Yeah, okay.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm
gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico.

I'm gonna be Al Pacino... Nobody cares.
Get in there. You're gonna ruin it.

Hey, hey. Here you go, boys.

You keep up the good work.
All righty. Thanks, pal.

I got a great Serpico costume.

Diddle, diddle, diddle.
Yeah, it's...

It's really something else.
I don't care. Get in the car.

Don't push my head like
that. Let's go, Frank.

Dennis, do you have to take that cat
everywhere we go? Yeah. He's awesome.

Have you taken a good look
at this guy? He's hilarious.

It's a mangy cat.
I don't like the cat.

Serpico doesn't like the cat one
bit. I don't give a shit, Charlie...

'cause you're not Serpico.
I'm goin' on record.

We gotta get rid of that cat. It stinks.

Stinkin' cat. We're not
gettin' rid of the cat.

There's nothing you guys
can do. The cat outranks you.

I'm not outranked by a
cat. Oh, yeah, you are.

Cat's a special agent.
Are you a special agent?

Here's a special agent over
there. Look at this guy here.

He's jaywalking. Take it
easy, Charlie. Take it easy.

No, no. Back me up here.
I'm goin' in. Hey, guy!

Charlie, where you
goin'? What are you doing?

Hello, guy! Hello! You
wanna stop for a second?

You like just crossin' the street
whenever you want, makin' up your own laws?

I'm sorry... You ought to be
sorry. You just jaywalked, buddy.

You gonna give me a ticket? That depends
on how much money you got in your wallet.

I don't know.
Like, 15 bucks, I guess.

Fork it over.
And the watch.

You're serious? Do I look like
I'm smiling? Are we smiling?

I can't believe this is
happening. Believe it, buddy.

Gimme your watch. Come on.
Take a walk.

Get out of here. Yeah,
get the hell out of here.

Useless. Put an egg in
your shoe and beat it.

What the hell was that shit right there?

Huh? We got 15 bucks. We got
15 bucks. Here, take your cut.

I don't want a cut. You don't take your
cut, how do we know how to trust you?

That's dirty money.
Look, guys, we're cops.

All right? We're not
out here to bribe people.

Will you stop doing that stupid
voice? What are you doin'?

I told you I was gonna do Pacino.

You sound like an asshole. Well,
you guys are taking bribes now.

That's bullshit. I'm walkin'. Oh,
you're gonna do Christopher Walken now?

I'm not doing Christopher Walken.
I'm walking from the situation.

Get the hell out of here.
Go on. Go on.

You guys are crooked
cops, and I don't like it.

The kid's nuts. He's
an idiot. Gimme my cut.

Here's five bucks.
Gimme that.

I'll take the 10.
All right.

I'm keepin' the watch.
Keep the watch.

I'm going to.
Watch out for the cars.

Whoa!
Hey! Hold it.

Hey, toots. Knock, knock.

Can I help you? The real
question is, can we help you?

See, my partner and I have been cleaning
up the streets the past couple days.

Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.

We know how the system works. You guys can't
get your hands dirty. We're not afraid of that.

Getting physical... That's not a problem
for us. We are all on the same team.

Okay? So if you could
fast track us through...

like, a citizen deputy
type program...

Yeah, and, you know, toss
us a couple of badges.

You know, make it all legal.
We can work together on this.

Well, let's see. Oh! You know
what? I'm fresh out of badges.

Oh.

I get it.
I see what you did.

See, I sense your sarcasm.
I'm used to it. Okay?

Let me just say... Doesn't
help, and I don't appreciate it.

It just hurts my feelings, because we
are sticking our necks out for you guys...

and, frankly, doing your job better
than you are. Really? I tell you what.

I do know of a neighborhood
that could use your help.

Perfect. Where?
Davis? Leroy?

These two Guardian Angels would
love to help you clean up your beat.

Okay, gentlemen,
thank you for the ride.

Quick question. What time
are you picking us up?

No, no, no. Oh, shit.

Well, we're screwed. No,
Dee, Dee, Dee. Relax, okay?

So we are in a lower socioeconomic,
African American neighborhood.

Yes, we are, but that's
okay. That's okay.

We're Guardian Angels.
That's fine.

We're tough, right?
We're tough.

Okay! Right.
Okay.

Stop doing that.
Guardian Angels, right?

We're Guardian Angels,
blind to this kind of thing.

Yes, okay.
We can do this.

We are gonna make
these streets safe...

We are gonna make these streets
safe. Everything is gonna...

That was a gunshot.

We're gonna die here.
Let's get out of here.

Let's find a guy and figure
out where the bus stop is.

He seems safe. Let's
ask him. He seems nice.

Excuse me, sir. Oh,
thank God we found you.

We are in a very rough
neighborhood, and we are lost.

Could you please direct
us to the nearest bus stop?

How you doin'?

Uh, hi. How are ya?
I'm good. I'm good.

You movin' in soon?
Pardon me?

You've been loitering on this
corner for the last 20 minutes...

like you own the goddamn place.
I don't think I follow you.

Oh, yeah? Don't get cute with me, pal.

I will jam you up so hard. I will
jam you from morning until night.

You wanna get jammed up? Huh?
You like gettin' jammed up? No. No.

No. I didn't think so.

Good. Gimme that wallet.

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go. Come on.
All right.

What do we got here?

Oh. Time to hit the A. T. M., huh?

So I'll have five hot dogs. I want
you to mash one of' em up in a bowl.

Put some milk
or some water, you know?

Mash it up nice and good, but, you know,
four regulars, five hot dogs altogether.

Look, I'm sorry, Lieutenant,
but no more free hot dogs.

I mean, look, maybe if it was
just you I could swing it...

but it's you, your partner,
and now I'm feedin' your cat?

I just can't afford it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Sorry.
Hold on.

Hold on.
Oh. Where are our hot dogs?

He won't cough up the hot dogs.

This goddamn cat is
screwin' up everything.

We gotta get rid of the cat, Dennis.

Tough titties, pal. I'm not gettin'
rid of the cat. Tough titties?

Yeah, tough titties. Dennis, this
thing with the cat has gone too far.

I'm puttin' my foot down. It's
gonna be either the cat or me.

Okay, I choose the cat. All
right, then I'm takin' the badge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you
doin'? Are you crazy? Get out of here.

Hey, I bought that badge, I bought
this uniform and I bought that cop car.

I don't give a shit. I'm gonna
tell you something, buddy.

Your days as a cop
of this town are over.

You and that mangy cat.

This is a stinkin',
dirty hellhole of a town.

And I'm gonna clean it up.

Let's do this thing.

See, now I feel very
powerless. I don't like it.

I would like to beat somebody
up so I could feel better.

You try to do something good,
and you get nothing in return.

What is the point?
Respect. Reward.

Compensation for a job well done.

What's with the cat?
Don't start in on the cat.

I swear to God, I will jam you
into the middle of next week.

We will jam and jam and jam until there
is nothing left of the two of you to jam.

Do you understand what we're
saying to you? Not really.

Calm down, dude. All
right, here's the situation.

Frank and I got our hands on a cop
car. We were cruisin' around in it.

We were actin' like cops.

Everything was goin' great, but
then it got to Frank's head...

and he squeezed me out.

You two have not begun to feel the
power and respect that you get...

when you are
cruising around in a cop car.

See, we've been cleaning up the
streets, and all we've gotten is mugged.

You deserve better than that.
We deserve better than that.

So here's what we gotta do.
We gotta get rid of Frank.

We gotta get our hands
on that cop car.

Yeah, okay. I'm in.
What's the plan? All right.

Frank's got beef with a
certain hot dog vendor...

and I was thinkin',
if something bad...

were to happen
to one of his carts...

Well, we could put
the frame on Frank.

Really get him into some
trouble. Right, Jack?

Bingo.
What'd you say, Charlie?

Huh?
You just said something.

No, I was, uh... I
think you said, "bingo. "

Stop playing with your stupid tape
recorder. Go clean those bathrooms.

That's not a...

Charlie, clean the bathroom.
Mmm.

What is this?

That right there is a tale
of corruption and intrigue...

the likes of which are
gonna rock this city.

"Spin Doctors mix"? I taped
over the Spin Doctors mix.

Sir, I do not have time to listen
to your mix tape. No, it's not a m...

Look, uh, I'm ready
to blow my whistle here.

You know what I'm saying? I got a
laundry list of corruption charges...

Extortion, bribery, junkyard cats.

This is nasty, heavy stuff. Now,
you gonna listen to this tape or not?

No, I am not.
Oh.

Oh, I get it.

You're one of them, huh?

A crooked cop.
Yeah, I get it!

Everybody's a crooked cop, huh?

Am I the only cop left in
Philadelphia who ain't crooked? Oh...

Oh, I see what's happening.
You wanna come at Serpico, huh?

Who wants a place of Serpico?
'Cause I'll give It to you.

I'll give a piece, 'cause
you're forgetting about this.

And you're forgetting about...
whatever the hell that is.

But you're forgetting about it.

And I'm gonna take this right to
the mayor, and you're gonna remember.

We really gotta do something
about these homeless people.

That kitty is really loving
this Molotov cocktail.

Ho, ho, ho there,
Jack. That's not a toy.

He's slurping down that gasoline no
problem. What's the deal with that?

Yeah, he's got a thing for gasoline.
He was born in a pool of it.

Hello.

Just stopped in for a cold beer...

to enjoy with my free hot dog.

You parked in a red zone.

I'm gonna let it fly
this time, but be careful.

Oh, thanks, Frank. I appreciate
that. I'll take care of it.

Yeah. In fact, Special
Agent Bauer and I...

intend to take care
of a few things today.

Oh, hey there,
guys. What's goin' on, huh?

Up to no good? A little
crime and corruption?

I hope you guys don't
mind if I borrow this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Charlie,
what are you doing?

Charlie, where you going? Oh,
you know where I'm going, Frank.

Charlie, drop your
weapon. Don't do that.

What are you doing? I'm putting
an end to this, is what I'm doing.

Oh, no. Charlie...

We were supposed to be cops.

We were supposed to care about
justice, and it got to your head.

I'll get a hose. That's
not gonna do any good.

I doused the whole car
full of gasoline.

What?

Whoa!

Goddamn It, Jack Bauer.

You really are the man.

Okay, Mr. Mayor.

Feast your ears on
that Spin Doctors mix.

Hooah!