It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation - full transcript
As they prepare for the annual Pub Crawl, the gang is horrified to learn that they face competition from a new Korean bar run by the eccentric Mr. Kim. While Charlie romances a girl who works at the bar, the others attempt to sabotage its business.
You're definitely gonna
get this on. You ready?
Uh, yeah. I guess.
Okay.
He knew that if the gooks were to get their
hands on the watch, they would take it.
So he shoved it...
up his ass!
I have no idea what you're doing.
Why, it's Christopher Walken!
It sounded like Rosie
Perez or something.
Come on!
That was a perfect Walken...
and it's gonna win me the
talent show. What talent show?
The one I throw for the pub
crawl. Are you doing that again?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, it's not
really a talent show anyway.
She just gets the most untalented people
in Philly to enter the competition...
so she can win it, and then
she never wins it anyway.
No. Last year she got
smoked by this chick...
who ate, like, 50 hot
dogs in three seconds.
That was amazing!
That was not talent.
Guys, guys, guys! I got some
news! Some terrible news!
We got a huge problem. Can we stop
for a second and talk about this?
What?
What's with that jacket?
I was gonna wait on that. I think
we should go over the jacket now.
No, let's hear about it now.
First of all, it's not a jacket.
It's a duster.
It's like a jacket...
only it's longer, thicker
and far more badass.
I look like Lorenzo Lamas,
and women find it irresistible.
Well, that part's just simply
not true. Either way, I like it.
I bought it with the money I
was gonna make at the pub crawl.
Here's the problem. You know that
Korean barbecue joint down the street?
Mr. Kim's? They just
signed up for the pub crawl.
Which means now they're the last
stop! They can't be the last stop.
We're always the last stop! That's the
only time of year we make any money!
They're also experimenting
with a secret microbrew.
Word on the street is that
it's delicious and powerful!
Bullshit!
Yep.
We're the microbrew guys! They can't take
that! Wait. You guys have a microbrew?
Yes! We make a delicious,
amazing microbrew! Really?
Oh, it's amazing. They-They throw
all the skunk beer into a trash can.
And then they sell it
for $10 a glass.
The point is we cannot let
these Koreans steal our thunder!
They wanna make a top
secret microbrew...
We gotta make ours more
powerful! Right! We'll make it...
so strong that people will pass out and
vomit and vomit in their own pass out.
They'll never leave and go
to Kim's in the first place!
Yeah. I will make this year's talent
show the best talent show ever.
Let the men talk, Dee! Let the
men talk! What are you saying?
We're in the middle of an emergency
here! Guys, we gotta move on this.
It's the damn North
Koreans! Damn North Koreans.
Wait. Wait a second. What makes you
guys think they're North Koreans?
That's the bad Korea.
They're the sneaky, bad Korea, man.
The ones on the top and they sneak
down and they eat everybody's pets.
I can't stand it! It's
un-American! All right, goddamn it.
That's it. They're gonna take our
way of life from us. It's bullshit.
Okay, gang. Let's solve this North
Korea situation once and for all.
All right, that's
enough. No, no, no, no.
That's enough moonshine,
Frank! No, no, no, no!
Look, we don't want people
to go blind!
You can never have enough
moonshine. Goddamn it.
Trust me on this. I know what
I'm talking about. How's it taste?
We gotta lace it
with somethin' sweeter.
We gotta add a little
sweetening. Oh, Deandra.
Could you be a darling and run
down and get Daddy some antifreeze?
No. We don't want to kill
people. You're not getting this.
I can't help you guys. I have a very
busy day. I'm auditioning people all day.
And also, you're not my dad. Winning a
talent show that you throw for yourself...
is just about the saddest
thing you've ever done, Dee.
Listen. If this is all about
boosting your self-confidence...
why don't you go out and bang a bunch of
random dudes like you did in the good old days?
This talent show's very
important to me. All right?
And I'm not gonna let you guys
steamroll me like you always do.
Why don't you get Charlie
and Dennis to help you?
Well, Dennis and Charlie are out
collecting intelligence, okay?
Oh! You're playing spies now?
Intel is the name of the game, Dee.
It's all about the intelligence!
Then you picked the wrong
two people. Maybe so.
But we do have
a secret weapon.
That would've been a lot better
if I was wearing the duster, dude.
Come on, dude. It doesn't
fit you. It's too big for you.
That's why it's so awesome on me. It's
like, "Why's that guy in a giant jacket?
Why do you take this away from
me? What is he hiding, dude?"
I just wish you'd let me do it. Can
we just snoop around a little bit?
We can snoop around. But I just...
I should be wearing the duster.
That's the bottom line. No, I'm wearing
the duster. That's the end of it.
Fine. We should drink a
couple of these microbrews.
Let's get some microbrews. That's what
people on the pub crawl are gonna do.
Yeah, I know.
Two microbrews, please.
All right. What is this? "Pub
Crawl Karaoke Contest"? Uhoh.
Bro, "Prize... $500"?
That's not good.
Aw, shit. Look at that
bracket. Do you think that's...
That's what that's for? Oh, that's
for the karaoke contest, bro.
Oh, my God, dude. There's a lot of
names on there. That's huge, man.
That's gonna... Bracketing is a very
intricate and difficult thing to do, man.
They got it down. I gotta
get this intel back to Mac.
Well, don't... Hold on that
because we want to try the... What?
The microbeers?
Yes.
Here we go.
Thank you. Thank you.
Mmm!
Oh, shit.
Goddamn it. That's good.
That is really good.
That's...
That is...
Mmm!
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Son of a bitch, that's good.
They're putting somethin' in that...
'cause you can't just make beer
like that. What do you mean?
Like they're enriching it?
Are they enriching the...
You cannot...
They're enriching the beers,
Charlie. They're enriching their beer.
That's definitely enriched beer.
That's an enriched beer, dude.
That's not conven... I've only tried
enriched beer like once, I think.
They're not allowed to have the
capabilities to enrich beer here.
Where are they enriching...
What is going on in this place?
Look at all these people, man. They're
like, uh... Oh, there's like brainwash...
They're being brainwashed. Notice
how they're all happy and smiling...
'cause they're drinking enrich...
How old was that bartender?
Was she 16 or 60? You can't
tell. You have no Idea.
They're timeless. They're
endless and timeless.
Oh, God. Damn it, dude. We
are in big trouble here, man.
Oh, shit! Look at that door,
dude. See that door right there?
The one marked "pirate"? You
think a pirate lives in there?
I see a door marked "private. " Is that
the... Is that the door you were talkin' about?
No, I was talking a...
Yeah.
I didn't say...
No, you s...
What did you hear?
I heard you say you saw
a door marked "pirate. "
And "Is there a pirate living in
there?" Yes, that's why you thought...
No. See, that's... Why would there be
a pirate living in a Korean restaurant?
Are we gonna talk about pirates all day?
Or we gonna find out who lives in there?
You're the one that... All
right. Jesus Christ, man.
Here we go. What's
wrong? Come on, open it.
It's locked.
All right...
I'm gonna try this out. What...
What is that? Your apartment key?
Yeah. I'm gonna see if it's gonna
work here. That's not gonna work!
Why not? We're not at
your apartment, shithead!
How many possible lock combinations
can there be? Oh, so many, dude!
Like hundreds of millions. Well,
eventually they're gonna overlap.
They're not ever gonna over... You know
what? You're right. It's not working.
Oh, no shit. No shit.
It was worth a try.
It was not worth a try.
Well...
Move over. I'm gonna, like,
kick the door or some shit.
You're gonna kick it?
Really?
Damn, dude. This thing is like...
What?
Enriched in its own way. All right.
Let me try something else here.
Try a spin kick. Try
a spin kick. Spin kick?
Yeah. You think you can
do it? I'm not even sure...
Okay.
Sons of... All right, I'm
gonna kick. You ram. Go!
Nice. Good.
How is that not working?
No, I don't know.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
All right, we're gonna do that some more.
But let's get some more of that enriched beer.
Mm-hmm. I'm gonna call Mac
and give him the intel.
Yeah.
Holy shit!
All right, see what else you can
find out, and call me back. Good work.
Forget the microbrew.
What's the intel?
They're having a karaoke contest.
Oh!
I'm elevating us to threat
level yellow. It's time.
Yellow?
Yeah. It's time.
What were we before?
Orange, of course.
Orange is much more
threatening than yellow!
No, that's an old system.
It doesn't work anymore.
Clearly yellow... You go
from yellow to orange to red!
Yellow is more threatening than
orange! Frank, this is orange!
Have you seen this?
Yellow, orange, red!
This is yellow! See this?
Red, red!
Is this more threatening?
Yellow, orange, red!
It's backwards going to yellow.
Wow.
Elevate...
Color fight. Listen.
I need you monkeys outta here
'cause my contestants are waiting.
That's a no can do,
and I'll tell you why.
The Koreans have escalated the
conflict. So I've upgraded us to yellow.
I don't know what that means. It means
we're taking over the talent show.
What? No, you're not!
It's already done.
Go on.
I knew it. I told you.
You're trying to steamroll
me. It's not gonna work. Go on.
I'm gonna win this competition. There's
nothing you guys can do about it.
You're not even gonna be in
it, Dee. You have to face facts.
You have no talent.
You're talentless, sweetie.
Oh, really?
Oh, is that so?
Why don't you take a gander at this?
No, Mookie. I don't wanna
do it. It's too hot outside.
Right?
What was that?
What the hell is that?
Rosie Perez!
What?
That's terrible. Oh, come
on! You love that one!
You know what, Dee?
You're a judge. That's it.
Dee's gonna be a
judge. And you know why?
Because sitting in judgment of other people is
the greatest way to make yourself feel better.
Problem solved.
And go.
All right, again.
And go. You might have to
give me the duster back.
It's not working, man.
Aw, it'll work. Go!
All right, it's not working,
dude. All right, okay.
I gotta use your head or
something. All right, yes, yes.
Hold me sideways and use my
head like a battering ram.
All right. Now pick me
up off the ground, okay?
Why are you people
ruining my door?
Yes! Good! Hello!
All right. Yeah.
Are you the owner?
I owner. I Mr. Kim.
All right.
Okay, good. Well, Mr...
Wait. You say Mr. Kim?
Yes! I Mr. Kim!
Wow. You should really do something
different with your hair because...
Yeah. You're not coming
across at all like a man to me.
You don't look or seem
like a man. Look...
If you don't tell us what's in
that microbrew, so help me, God...
we will send you people
back to the Stone Age.
I no respond to bully!
What are you
gonna do about it?
You're messin' with
the wrong country, pal!
That's an act of aggression
right there, buddy!
Every Asian know martial arts? They
have to learn it when they grow up.
That's right.
It's like school.
Yes!
Okay, okay. Okay!
Oh, God. Jesus! That
guy is such a dickhead!
You don't have to take that
from him. I hope you know that.
If I don't do what he say,
he punish me!
He terrible man, okay? Always, "Work,
work, work!" He treat me like slave!
Slave?
Slave? He's got slaves?
He's has slaves in there? What
kind of a communist dictatorship...
is this piece of shit running?
Hey, I no phone, no TV!
I not even allowed
to drink the beer!
What?
No!
No! That is
not acceptable!
You're mad about the beer
thing? I'm v... I'm ver...
Are you not mad about the beer
thing? Yeah. Of course I am.
Look, you should be able to drink
beer. That's what happens in America.
Yeah. In America, you can...
You can drink beer. Look.
I'll tell you what. You come
down to Paddy's Pub, all right?
We'll let you drink
all the beer you want.
You can smoke your cigarettes.
Mm-hmm.
You won't have to deal with the
trash 'cause I deal with the trash.
You do trash?
He takes out the trash.
Me trash.
He captures the rats.
You beer, me trash,
okay? I beer, you trash!
I trash, yes!
Okay!
Holy shit, bro.
Did you just see that?
Yeah. She made a meaningful
gesture towards me.
She made... No, dude.
She was gesturing to me.
I had my arm out like this.
Yeah, why were you doing that?
'Cause she extended to me.
And then there was stuff
in the eyes between us.
And my arm was at her.
All right.
Sure, pal.
Wha...
But the dog was buried
by the bright sunlight
And the old man died
In his sleep last night
And the young girl
never did get...
All right! All right! All right!
That's enough. That's enough. Thank you.
Well... Martha,
you are terrible.
I wanted to pluck out my eyes
and jam them into my ears.
I wanted to pummel you
with a manhole cover.
There is no point to you.
Oh, no...
Sweetie, I thought
you were really talented.
And I liked it, what
you had on your fingers.
And your hair is so...
It's like it has a
bulb on the front of it.
It just wasn't happening
for me, dog. I mean...
What?
No, dog. I was not...
It was the finger cymbals need work.
Oh!
And the jewelry
and everything just...
It was...
It was just okay, dog.
Is it a yes or no, Frank?
It's gotta be no, dog.
Dee? Oh, I just think
you're so full of magic.
You're like a big, round wizard.
Right.
Well, it's a no from me.
So... off you go, Martha.
Why did you get so drunk?
You got drunk!
I'm just really exhausted.
What's in that cup?
Rum and Cokes. Why
are you getting wasted?
Maybe because you dicks
stole my talent show.
Do you have any idea how important
this is? "You have any idea... "
We're trying to save the pub crawl.
Really? This is what you're doing?
You know what's gonna happen
if the North Koreans take over?
They're gonna ruin our way of
life! Get your shit together, dog!
Next!
Duster
Look out, man
Here comes a brother
The man is in a duster
He's a superfine
fantastic man
He loves to wear
his du...
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! You scared
me. What are you doing?
I run away.
Okay.
Good. Uh...
What are you doing here?
I follow you home because I like you.
Nice. Good. I...
'Cause I knew...
I knew that...
Right on! Okay.
Wait. All the way home?
Yes.
So you saw me eat that Hot
Pocket I found in the garbage?
Yes.
Any thoughts on that?
No.
Oh, man. I like you.
Come on in.
I like you.
Yeah.
Cartoon Soundtrack)
Hello there, Dennis.
It's Charlie.
How you doin'? Hey, you're never
gonna guess who showed up at my...
That's a very good guess. Congratulations.
But the point is that I have defeated you...
at this little game of hearts
and... and minds so that...
No, don't come over. No, dude. I
don't want you to come over, dude.
Don't c...
Dennis, don't come over.
D... Well, then why... No, I'm not
scared. I just don't want you comin'...
Goddamn it! No! Why did I call him?
Good evening. I need
to speak to Mr. Kim, please.
I Mr. Kim.
Hmm.
All right.
Uh, Mr. Kim, my name is...
R Rita F-Fire... s.
Hmm, Fires. And I am from the
National Health Inspectors...
Uh, Store.
And I need to...
I need to make sure that your
secret microbrew is up to code.
Health inspector?
Hmm. Oh, you bet
your ass, Kim.
Okay, all right!
I just... God!
I just want
your stupid recipe!
You... terrible actress.
Wait! Okay.
Hmm,
I'll sleep with you.
Your breath smell like vomit.
Okay, but...
I know recipe.
You do? Well, what...
What is it?
Offer still stand?
All right. Where is she? Ah, dude, you
might as well turn right back around, man.
'Cause she's in love with me,
dude. Uh, yeah, I doubt that.
Hi.
Hi.
We have so much in common,
you're not gonna believe. What?
Uh, we both like pizza.
Pizza!
Well, I like pizza.
Everybody loves pizza.
Oh, good.
We both hate mean people.
Who likes mean people?
We don't like mean people.
Well, neither do I.
Well, we both think
kissing's gross.
How is kissing gross? You
know, we just don't like it.
We're not into it, you know?
Probably, it's... Sticky.
Is it sticky? It's, like, there's
candy and beer in your mouth.
How is it sticky? From
candy and beer? I don't know.
This is bullshit. Clearly there's some kind
of language barrier thing happening here.
So I'm gonna go ahead and pop this shirt off
and finish this thing once and for all, Charles.
Charlie?
Mm-hmm?
He smell like dog fart.
Eww!
She says you smell like a dog fart.
Oh, yeah? All right, take
It off. Take It off for us.
Dog fart, huh?
Am I in America?
Ladies.
Nice turnout, huh?
Yeah.
But I'm getting a little
nervous here, Frank.
I've heard some rumblings about Mr. Kim's,
okay? We gotta keep these people here.
Don't worry, Mac.
I got a plan.
Mac, I got problems, man.
I can see that. Why are you
wearing the duster with no shirt?
I'm trying to get my mojo back.
Charlie and I have been competing...
over the same Korean chick,
and he's like totally winning.
Why are you wearing my
duster with no shirt?
This is the perfect combination. Do I
really have to explain this to you, bro?
Yes! Explain it to
me. Are you kidding me?
Black leather duster... tough, muscular dude
underneath it, inside of it. Very sexual.
Check this out. Check this
out. What's with the hose?
Hang on. I'm gonna spray
it on the women's tops.
We get a better look at their
talents if their shirts are wet.
Wet T-shirt contest. I like
that. Wait, Frank. Frank.
How are we gonna have a wet
T- shirt contest without girls?
We never got any contestants. We
can use the girls that are here.
They don't even know
they're contestants.
You can't just blast people with
a hose in a bar. They will leave.
Lock the door. No,
that's not gonna work.
Frank, go get your gun.
Perfect. Go over to Mr. Kim.
Convince him to close for the day.
I can do that. Oh, excuse
us! Excuse us, please.
Excuse us!
Heyoh!
Heyoh!
I love when you say it!
We are so happy.
And do you know why?
We just got engaged.
Yes!
You guys just got engaged?
Yes!
Yes.
Now we're engaged.
All right, do you want
to have some champagne?
Yes. We're gonna have some
champagne to celebrate this.
Come on.
Champagne!
Did you guys happen to catch what
Sun-Li was wearing? White tank top.
A white tank top. Exactly. I was
thinking we could talk Charlie...
into having her enter the wet
T- shirt contest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll tell him it's all a
part of Dee's talent show.
Right. When she jumps up on the
stage, we'll blast her with the water.
The crowd will go crazy. The other
girls are gonna want to join in.
And we will save the bar. And then
she'll break up with Charlie...
ruining any hopes for happiness
that that son of a bitch ever had.
I agree with the first part. But the
second part seems incredibly harsh.
That's the best goddamn part!
Look, you guys deal with that.
I'm gonna go
take care of Mr. Kim.
Yeah, what do you want...
Boom!
What the hell is this? Oh, only
Mr. Kim's secret microbrew recipe.
Hmm.
It's in Korean. What am I
supposed to do with this?
Maybe I can get Sun-Li
to translate it for us.
Sun-Li? Hi. Could you
read this for us, please?
Okay.
"Bony American
is dirty, dirty whore.
She bring much shame to
herself and country. "
Great. Good work, Dee. Yeah. You
really topped yourself this year, Sis.
Charlie, can we talk
to you for a sec?
You whore?
Mm-hmm.
Good.
What you want? I'm gonna have to
ask you to shut this place down.
I am shut down. Look around,
you jerk! No one here.
Yeah, I was kinda wondering
about that. What's up?
My daughter, Sun-Li...
she is missing!
Korean broad?
You seen her?
Uh, no.
Oh, she no come home
last night!
Well, I'm sure she's gonna come
back. She probably just met some guy.
What you talking about?
You sick freak!
Sun-Li only 12 years old!
What?
She just 12-year-old girl!
Oh, shit!
Attention, everybody.
Hey, attention. Our first
contestant halls from North Korea.
That's right,
North Korea, everybody.
She's gonna be doing
something or other.
And then we're gonna blast
her with water from a hose.
It's gonna be great, right? You're
gonna want to stick around for this.
And listen, ladies, if you wanna get in on
this action, please do not hesitate to do so.
Okay, take it away.
All set.
Uh, wait a second.
You're gonna blast my fianc?e with water,
exposing her breasts to this entire crowd?
Yeah, man. Is that
cool? That's very cool.
Awesome. All right,
Sun-Li, hit it!
Oh, Great Leader
we come to enjoy you
You make sun and moon
In the sky
The earth is spinning
because of your laughter
All right, she's bombing.
Blast her. All righty.
All right, everybody!
Three, two...
One!
Oh, God! Come on, Frank!
What are you doing, Frank?
Son of a bitch! The wet
T- shirt contest is off!
Why?
She's only 12 years old!
What?
You're just 12?
Twelve, Charlie!
Oh, shit.
That actually explains a lot.
Wait. Where are you guys going?
You guys don't have to leave!
No, stay, drink! We
didn't know she was 12.
Goddamn it! Well, there goes the
pub crawl. Oh, son of a bitch.
Well, I feel better
about myself.
Why?
Uh, all I did was sleep with...
a toothless, oily
busboy for a recipe.
Charlie banged a 12
year old. No, I didn't.
What? Yeah. I didn't
even kiss that girl.
Like, nothing happened.
Really?
Yeah, absolutely. I can't believe
you banged a toothless busboy.
Those goddamn North Koreans.
They are some sneaky bastards.
Yeah.
Yep.
get this on. You ready?
Uh, yeah. I guess.
Okay.
He knew that if the gooks were to get their
hands on the watch, they would take it.
So he shoved it...
up his ass!
I have no idea what you're doing.
Why, it's Christopher Walken!
It sounded like Rosie
Perez or something.
Come on!
That was a perfect Walken...
and it's gonna win me the
talent show. What talent show?
The one I throw for the pub
crawl. Are you doing that again?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, it's not
really a talent show anyway.
She just gets the most untalented people
in Philly to enter the competition...
so she can win it, and then
she never wins it anyway.
No. Last year she got
smoked by this chick...
who ate, like, 50 hot
dogs in three seconds.
That was amazing!
That was not talent.
Guys, guys, guys! I got some
news! Some terrible news!
We got a huge problem. Can we stop
for a second and talk about this?
What?
What's with that jacket?
I was gonna wait on that. I think
we should go over the jacket now.
No, let's hear about it now.
First of all, it's not a jacket.
It's a duster.
It's like a jacket...
only it's longer, thicker
and far more badass.
I look like Lorenzo Lamas,
and women find it irresistible.
Well, that part's just simply
not true. Either way, I like it.
I bought it with the money I
was gonna make at the pub crawl.
Here's the problem. You know that
Korean barbecue joint down the street?
Mr. Kim's? They just
signed up for the pub crawl.
Which means now they're the last
stop! They can't be the last stop.
We're always the last stop! That's the
only time of year we make any money!
They're also experimenting
with a secret microbrew.
Word on the street is that
it's delicious and powerful!
Bullshit!
Yep.
We're the microbrew guys! They can't take
that! Wait. You guys have a microbrew?
Yes! We make a delicious,
amazing microbrew! Really?
Oh, it's amazing. They-They throw
all the skunk beer into a trash can.
And then they sell it
for $10 a glass.
The point is we cannot let
these Koreans steal our thunder!
They wanna make a top
secret microbrew...
We gotta make ours more
powerful! Right! We'll make it...
so strong that people will pass out and
vomit and vomit in their own pass out.
They'll never leave and go
to Kim's in the first place!
Yeah. I will make this year's talent
show the best talent show ever.
Let the men talk, Dee! Let the
men talk! What are you saying?
We're in the middle of an emergency
here! Guys, we gotta move on this.
It's the damn North
Koreans! Damn North Koreans.
Wait. Wait a second. What makes you
guys think they're North Koreans?
That's the bad Korea.
They're the sneaky, bad Korea, man.
The ones on the top and they sneak
down and they eat everybody's pets.
I can't stand it! It's
un-American! All right, goddamn it.
That's it. They're gonna take our
way of life from us. It's bullshit.
Okay, gang. Let's solve this North
Korea situation once and for all.
All right, that's
enough. No, no, no, no.
That's enough moonshine,
Frank! No, no, no, no!
Look, we don't want people
to go blind!
You can never have enough
moonshine. Goddamn it.
Trust me on this. I know what
I'm talking about. How's it taste?
We gotta lace it
with somethin' sweeter.
We gotta add a little
sweetening. Oh, Deandra.
Could you be a darling and run
down and get Daddy some antifreeze?
No. We don't want to kill
people. You're not getting this.
I can't help you guys. I have a very
busy day. I'm auditioning people all day.
And also, you're not my dad. Winning a
talent show that you throw for yourself...
is just about the saddest
thing you've ever done, Dee.
Listen. If this is all about
boosting your self-confidence...
why don't you go out and bang a bunch of
random dudes like you did in the good old days?
This talent show's very
important to me. All right?
And I'm not gonna let you guys
steamroll me like you always do.
Why don't you get Charlie
and Dennis to help you?
Well, Dennis and Charlie are out
collecting intelligence, okay?
Oh! You're playing spies now?
Intel is the name of the game, Dee.
It's all about the intelligence!
Then you picked the wrong
two people. Maybe so.
But we do have
a secret weapon.
That would've been a lot better
if I was wearing the duster, dude.
Come on, dude. It doesn't
fit you. It's too big for you.
That's why it's so awesome on me. It's
like, "Why's that guy in a giant jacket?
Why do you take this away from
me? What is he hiding, dude?"
I just wish you'd let me do it. Can
we just snoop around a little bit?
We can snoop around. But I just...
I should be wearing the duster.
That's the bottom line. No, I'm wearing
the duster. That's the end of it.
Fine. We should drink a
couple of these microbrews.
Let's get some microbrews. That's what
people on the pub crawl are gonna do.
Yeah, I know.
Two microbrews, please.
All right. What is this? "Pub
Crawl Karaoke Contest"? Uhoh.
Bro, "Prize... $500"?
That's not good.
Aw, shit. Look at that
bracket. Do you think that's...
That's what that's for? Oh, that's
for the karaoke contest, bro.
Oh, my God, dude. There's a lot of
names on there. That's huge, man.
That's gonna... Bracketing is a very
intricate and difficult thing to do, man.
They got it down. I gotta
get this intel back to Mac.
Well, don't... Hold on that
because we want to try the... What?
The microbeers?
Yes.
Here we go.
Thank you. Thank you.
Mmm!
Oh, shit.
Goddamn it. That's good.
That is really good.
That's...
That is...
Mmm!
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Son of a bitch, that's good.
They're putting somethin' in that...
'cause you can't just make beer
like that. What do you mean?
Like they're enriching it?
Are they enriching the...
You cannot...
They're enriching the beers,
Charlie. They're enriching their beer.
That's definitely enriched beer.
That's an enriched beer, dude.
That's not conven... I've only tried
enriched beer like once, I think.
They're not allowed to have the
capabilities to enrich beer here.
Where are they enriching...
What is going on in this place?
Look at all these people, man. They're
like, uh... Oh, there's like brainwash...
They're being brainwashed. Notice
how they're all happy and smiling...
'cause they're drinking enrich...
How old was that bartender?
Was she 16 or 60? You can't
tell. You have no Idea.
They're timeless. They're
endless and timeless.
Oh, God. Damn it, dude. We
are in big trouble here, man.
Oh, shit! Look at that door,
dude. See that door right there?
The one marked "pirate"? You
think a pirate lives in there?
I see a door marked "private. " Is that
the... Is that the door you were talkin' about?
No, I was talking a...
Yeah.
I didn't say...
No, you s...
What did you hear?
I heard you say you saw
a door marked "pirate. "
And "Is there a pirate living in
there?" Yes, that's why you thought...
No. See, that's... Why would there be
a pirate living in a Korean restaurant?
Are we gonna talk about pirates all day?
Or we gonna find out who lives in there?
You're the one that... All
right. Jesus Christ, man.
Here we go. What's
wrong? Come on, open it.
It's locked.
All right...
I'm gonna try this out. What...
What is that? Your apartment key?
Yeah. I'm gonna see if it's gonna
work here. That's not gonna work!
Why not? We're not at
your apartment, shithead!
How many possible lock combinations
can there be? Oh, so many, dude!
Like hundreds of millions. Well,
eventually they're gonna overlap.
They're not ever gonna over... You know
what? You're right. It's not working.
Oh, no shit. No shit.
It was worth a try.
It was not worth a try.
Well...
Move over. I'm gonna, like,
kick the door or some shit.
You're gonna kick it?
Really?
Damn, dude. This thing is like...
What?
Enriched in its own way. All right.
Let me try something else here.
Try a spin kick. Try
a spin kick. Spin kick?
Yeah. You think you can
do it? I'm not even sure...
Okay.
Sons of... All right, I'm
gonna kick. You ram. Go!
Nice. Good.
How is that not working?
No, I don't know.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
All right, we're gonna do that some more.
But let's get some more of that enriched beer.
Mm-hmm. I'm gonna call Mac
and give him the intel.
Yeah.
Holy shit!
All right, see what else you can
find out, and call me back. Good work.
Forget the microbrew.
What's the intel?
They're having a karaoke contest.
Oh!
I'm elevating us to threat
level yellow. It's time.
Yellow?
Yeah. It's time.
What were we before?
Orange, of course.
Orange is much more
threatening than yellow!
No, that's an old system.
It doesn't work anymore.
Clearly yellow... You go
from yellow to orange to red!
Yellow is more threatening than
orange! Frank, this is orange!
Have you seen this?
Yellow, orange, red!
This is yellow! See this?
Red, red!
Is this more threatening?
Yellow, orange, red!
It's backwards going to yellow.
Wow.
Elevate...
Color fight. Listen.
I need you monkeys outta here
'cause my contestants are waiting.
That's a no can do,
and I'll tell you why.
The Koreans have escalated the
conflict. So I've upgraded us to yellow.
I don't know what that means. It means
we're taking over the talent show.
What? No, you're not!
It's already done.
Go on.
I knew it. I told you.
You're trying to steamroll
me. It's not gonna work. Go on.
I'm gonna win this competition. There's
nothing you guys can do about it.
You're not even gonna be in
it, Dee. You have to face facts.
You have no talent.
You're talentless, sweetie.
Oh, really?
Oh, is that so?
Why don't you take a gander at this?
No, Mookie. I don't wanna
do it. It's too hot outside.
Right?
What was that?
What the hell is that?
Rosie Perez!
What?
That's terrible. Oh, come
on! You love that one!
You know what, Dee?
You're a judge. That's it.
Dee's gonna be a
judge. And you know why?
Because sitting in judgment of other people is
the greatest way to make yourself feel better.
Problem solved.
And go.
All right, again.
And go. You might have to
give me the duster back.
It's not working, man.
Aw, it'll work. Go!
All right, it's not working,
dude. All right, okay.
I gotta use your head or
something. All right, yes, yes.
Hold me sideways and use my
head like a battering ram.
All right. Now pick me
up off the ground, okay?
Why are you people
ruining my door?
Yes! Good! Hello!
All right. Yeah.
Are you the owner?
I owner. I Mr. Kim.
All right.
Okay, good. Well, Mr...
Wait. You say Mr. Kim?
Yes! I Mr. Kim!
Wow. You should really do something
different with your hair because...
Yeah. You're not coming
across at all like a man to me.
You don't look or seem
like a man. Look...
If you don't tell us what's in
that microbrew, so help me, God...
we will send you people
back to the Stone Age.
I no respond to bully!
What are you
gonna do about it?
You're messin' with
the wrong country, pal!
That's an act of aggression
right there, buddy!
Every Asian know martial arts? They
have to learn it when they grow up.
That's right.
It's like school.
Yes!
Okay, okay. Okay!
Oh, God. Jesus! That
guy is such a dickhead!
You don't have to take that
from him. I hope you know that.
If I don't do what he say,
he punish me!
He terrible man, okay? Always, "Work,
work, work!" He treat me like slave!
Slave?
Slave? He's got slaves?
He's has slaves in there? What
kind of a communist dictatorship...
is this piece of shit running?
Hey, I no phone, no TV!
I not even allowed
to drink the beer!
What?
No!
No! That is
not acceptable!
You're mad about the beer
thing? I'm v... I'm ver...
Are you not mad about the beer
thing? Yeah. Of course I am.
Look, you should be able to drink
beer. That's what happens in America.
Yeah. In America, you can...
You can drink beer. Look.
I'll tell you what. You come
down to Paddy's Pub, all right?
We'll let you drink
all the beer you want.
You can smoke your cigarettes.
Mm-hmm.
You won't have to deal with the
trash 'cause I deal with the trash.
You do trash?
He takes out the trash.
Me trash.
He captures the rats.
You beer, me trash,
okay? I beer, you trash!
I trash, yes!
Okay!
Holy shit, bro.
Did you just see that?
Yeah. She made a meaningful
gesture towards me.
She made... No, dude.
She was gesturing to me.
I had my arm out like this.
Yeah, why were you doing that?
'Cause she extended to me.
And then there was stuff
in the eyes between us.
And my arm was at her.
All right.
Sure, pal.
Wha...
But the dog was buried
by the bright sunlight
And the old man died
In his sleep last night
And the young girl
never did get...
All right! All right! All right!
That's enough. That's enough. Thank you.
Well... Martha,
you are terrible.
I wanted to pluck out my eyes
and jam them into my ears.
I wanted to pummel you
with a manhole cover.
There is no point to you.
Oh, no...
Sweetie, I thought
you were really talented.
And I liked it, what
you had on your fingers.
And your hair is so...
It's like it has a
bulb on the front of it.
It just wasn't happening
for me, dog. I mean...
What?
No, dog. I was not...
It was the finger cymbals need work.
Oh!
And the jewelry
and everything just...
It was...
It was just okay, dog.
Is it a yes or no, Frank?
It's gotta be no, dog.
Dee? Oh, I just think
you're so full of magic.
You're like a big, round wizard.
Right.
Well, it's a no from me.
So... off you go, Martha.
Why did you get so drunk?
You got drunk!
I'm just really exhausted.
What's in that cup?
Rum and Cokes. Why
are you getting wasted?
Maybe because you dicks
stole my talent show.
Do you have any idea how important
this is? "You have any idea... "
We're trying to save the pub crawl.
Really? This is what you're doing?
You know what's gonna happen
if the North Koreans take over?
They're gonna ruin our way of
life! Get your shit together, dog!
Next!
Duster
Look out, man
Here comes a brother
The man is in a duster
He's a superfine
fantastic man
He loves to wear
his du...
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! You scared
me. What are you doing?
I run away.
Okay.
Good. Uh...
What are you doing here?
I follow you home because I like you.
Nice. Good. I...
'Cause I knew...
I knew that...
Right on! Okay.
Wait. All the way home?
Yes.
So you saw me eat that Hot
Pocket I found in the garbage?
Yes.
Any thoughts on that?
No.
Oh, man. I like you.
Come on in.
I like you.
Yeah.
Cartoon Soundtrack)
Hello there, Dennis.
It's Charlie.
How you doin'? Hey, you're never
gonna guess who showed up at my...
That's a very good guess. Congratulations.
But the point is that I have defeated you...
at this little game of hearts
and... and minds so that...
No, don't come over. No, dude. I
don't want you to come over, dude.
Don't c...
Dennis, don't come over.
D... Well, then why... No, I'm not
scared. I just don't want you comin'...
Goddamn it! No! Why did I call him?
Good evening. I need
to speak to Mr. Kim, please.
I Mr. Kim.
Hmm.
All right.
Uh, Mr. Kim, my name is...
R Rita F-Fire... s.
Hmm, Fires. And I am from the
National Health Inspectors...
Uh, Store.
And I need to...
I need to make sure that your
secret microbrew is up to code.
Health inspector?
Hmm. Oh, you bet
your ass, Kim.
Okay, all right!
I just... God!
I just want
your stupid recipe!
You... terrible actress.
Wait! Okay.
Hmm,
I'll sleep with you.
Your breath smell like vomit.
Okay, but...
I know recipe.
You do? Well, what...
What is it?
Offer still stand?
All right. Where is she? Ah, dude, you
might as well turn right back around, man.
'Cause she's in love with me,
dude. Uh, yeah, I doubt that.
Hi.
Hi.
We have so much in common,
you're not gonna believe. What?
Uh, we both like pizza.
Pizza!
Well, I like pizza.
Everybody loves pizza.
Oh, good.
We both hate mean people.
Who likes mean people?
We don't like mean people.
Well, neither do I.
Well, we both think
kissing's gross.
How is kissing gross? You
know, we just don't like it.
We're not into it, you know?
Probably, it's... Sticky.
Is it sticky? It's, like, there's
candy and beer in your mouth.
How is it sticky? From
candy and beer? I don't know.
This is bullshit. Clearly there's some kind
of language barrier thing happening here.
So I'm gonna go ahead and pop this shirt off
and finish this thing once and for all, Charles.
Charlie?
Mm-hmm?
He smell like dog fart.
Eww!
She says you smell like a dog fart.
Oh, yeah? All right, take
It off. Take It off for us.
Dog fart, huh?
Am I in America?
Ladies.
Nice turnout, huh?
Yeah.
But I'm getting a little
nervous here, Frank.
I've heard some rumblings about Mr. Kim's,
okay? We gotta keep these people here.
Don't worry, Mac.
I got a plan.
Mac, I got problems, man.
I can see that. Why are you
wearing the duster with no shirt?
I'm trying to get my mojo back.
Charlie and I have been competing...
over the same Korean chick,
and he's like totally winning.
Why are you wearing my
duster with no shirt?
This is the perfect combination. Do I
really have to explain this to you, bro?
Yes! Explain it to
me. Are you kidding me?
Black leather duster... tough, muscular dude
underneath it, inside of it. Very sexual.
Check this out. Check this
out. What's with the hose?
Hang on. I'm gonna spray
it on the women's tops.
We get a better look at their
talents if their shirts are wet.
Wet T-shirt contest. I like
that. Wait, Frank. Frank.
How are we gonna have a wet
T- shirt contest without girls?
We never got any contestants. We
can use the girls that are here.
They don't even know
they're contestants.
You can't just blast people with
a hose in a bar. They will leave.
Lock the door. No,
that's not gonna work.
Frank, go get your gun.
Perfect. Go over to Mr. Kim.
Convince him to close for the day.
I can do that. Oh, excuse
us! Excuse us, please.
Excuse us!
Heyoh!
Heyoh!
I love when you say it!
We are so happy.
And do you know why?
We just got engaged.
Yes!
You guys just got engaged?
Yes!
Yes.
Now we're engaged.
All right, do you want
to have some champagne?
Yes. We're gonna have some
champagne to celebrate this.
Come on.
Champagne!
Did you guys happen to catch what
Sun-Li was wearing? White tank top.
A white tank top. Exactly. I was
thinking we could talk Charlie...
into having her enter the wet
T- shirt contest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll tell him it's all a
part of Dee's talent show.
Right. When she jumps up on the
stage, we'll blast her with the water.
The crowd will go crazy. The other
girls are gonna want to join in.
And we will save the bar. And then
she'll break up with Charlie...
ruining any hopes for happiness
that that son of a bitch ever had.
I agree with the first part. But the
second part seems incredibly harsh.
That's the best goddamn part!
Look, you guys deal with that.
I'm gonna go
take care of Mr. Kim.
Yeah, what do you want...
Boom!
What the hell is this? Oh, only
Mr. Kim's secret microbrew recipe.
Hmm.
It's in Korean. What am I
supposed to do with this?
Maybe I can get Sun-Li
to translate it for us.
Sun-Li? Hi. Could you
read this for us, please?
Okay.
"Bony American
is dirty, dirty whore.
She bring much shame to
herself and country. "
Great. Good work, Dee. Yeah. You
really topped yourself this year, Sis.
Charlie, can we talk
to you for a sec?
You whore?
Mm-hmm.
Good.
What you want? I'm gonna have to
ask you to shut this place down.
I am shut down. Look around,
you jerk! No one here.
Yeah, I was kinda wondering
about that. What's up?
My daughter, Sun-Li...
she is missing!
Korean broad?
You seen her?
Uh, no.
Oh, she no come home
last night!
Well, I'm sure she's gonna come
back. She probably just met some guy.
What you talking about?
You sick freak!
Sun-Li only 12 years old!
What?
She just 12-year-old girl!
Oh, shit!
Attention, everybody.
Hey, attention. Our first
contestant halls from North Korea.
That's right,
North Korea, everybody.
She's gonna be doing
something or other.
And then we're gonna blast
her with water from a hose.
It's gonna be great, right? You're
gonna want to stick around for this.
And listen, ladies, if you wanna get in on
this action, please do not hesitate to do so.
Okay, take it away.
All set.
Uh, wait a second.
You're gonna blast my fianc?e with water,
exposing her breasts to this entire crowd?
Yeah, man. Is that
cool? That's very cool.
Awesome. All right,
Sun-Li, hit it!
Oh, Great Leader
we come to enjoy you
You make sun and moon
In the sky
The earth is spinning
because of your laughter
All right, she's bombing.
Blast her. All righty.
All right, everybody!
Three, two...
One!
Oh, God! Come on, Frank!
What are you doing, Frank?
Son of a bitch! The wet
T- shirt contest is off!
Why?
She's only 12 years old!
What?
You're just 12?
Twelve, Charlie!
Oh, shit.
That actually explains a lot.
Wait. Where are you guys going?
You guys don't have to leave!
No, stay, drink! We
didn't know she was 12.
Goddamn it! Well, there goes the
pub crawl. Oh, son of a bitch.
Well, I feel better
about myself.
Why?
Uh, all I did was sleep with...
a toothless, oily
busboy for a recipe.
Charlie banged a 12
year old. No, I didn't.
What? Yeah. I didn't
even kiss that girl.
Like, nothing happened.
Really?
Yeah, absolutely. I can't believe
you banged a toothless busboy.
Those goddamn North Koreans.
They are some sneaky bastards.
Yeah.
Yep.