It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo - full transcript

That's a good shirt, Charlie. I like
it. You should buy that. You like it?

Yeah. Okay, stand a little
to your left, please.

Why? Dee, just a
little bit to your left?

Why, Charlie?
So I can steal it.

No, you're not gonna steal
it. Just buy the shirt.

Dee, it's fine. It doesn't even have, like,
the exploding ink thing on it. We're good.

Oh, great news. I'm not getting
arrested with you. So buy it.

What is the point?

The point is that you have,
like, four articles of clothing.

And that's it for years and years
and years now. So buy something new.

All right, first of all,
this place is a rip-off, OK?

Secondly, someone should teach these people
how to do a decent hem, don't you think?

Oh, are you unsatisfied
with that hem?

Very unsatisfied with the hem. What
do you know about hems, Charlie?

I've been sewing my clothes back
together for, like, almost my entire life.

I know a thing or two about a hem,
Dee, all right? Well, that's just sad.

Well, it's not sad. It's a very
valuable skill set. So, you know...

Just try the shirt on
and buy it. All right.

Shut up!

Shut up! Dee Reynolds?
Yeah.

Ingrid! Nelson.
From high school.

Ingrid Nelson?
Yeah.

You look so different. What
happened to all of the fat parts?

I lost 'em!
I lost a ton of weight!

Wow! And look at you.
You look so beautiful.

Aw.
You don't have that hideously...

ugly, disgusting
back brace anymore.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, God! We were such
losers in high school! Mmm.

Do you remember what people used
to call us? Uh, I don't remember.

The Aluminum Monster
and Fatty Magoo!

Yeah, that was it.
Remember?

Yeah. Yes. You were the Aluminum
Monster! I was Fatty Magoo!

Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes.
Hey, do you remember...

how you used to say that you were gonna
be famous and have your own clothing line?

Did I say that?
Oh, my God. Every day.

Every day, it was "famous actress
this" and "famous model that. "

And all the kids did was laugh
at you. That is a good memory.

Well, no.
I mean, it inspired me.

I thought to myself, "If the Aluminum
Monster can do it, then so can I."

Oh!
Dee, you're in my store!

This is your store?
Yes!

Wow!

All this, yours?
Yeah.

Gosh! Hey, so, did you
ever do any of the...

Are you a model now?
Are you... Did you...

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah?

Not-Not-Not... Yeah. Not right
now... because I'm shopping.

Did you go to law
school? Oh, my God, I did!

You did? Yeah, for a
little while. I loved it.

God, you must be so busy. I'm so
busy. So busy that I have to go.

But it was really excellent
to see you.

Oh, it was so good to see you
too. Oh, and congratulations.

I would love to hang out. Hang out?
We're gonna hang out! We're gonna do that!

We're gonna do all of that!
Okay.

Charlie. You're not
gonna believe this. Hmm?

I just ran into the biggest loser from
my high school. And she owns this store!

Really? I used to say
all this stuff about...

how I was gonna be big and
famous to keep her down. Oh, yeah.

But it did the opposite. It, like, inspired
her or something, which is terrible.

I'll tell you what. Calm down.
Here's what you do, all right?

Pop on a couple things, slip 'em
on, we'll walk right out of here.

No. No, that's not good enough. I
gotta beat her at her own game. Charlie?

Mm-hmm?
I got a fatty to take down.

Dee, how's your design
coming along?

I can't believe
you stole that shirt.

Come on. I steal lots of things. You
don't have to get all huffy about it.

Let me take a look. No.
It's not ready for looking.

Let me take a look-see. I'll tell you if
I like it or not. Charlie, I'm not ready.

What are you guys working on
over there?

Dee's designing a dress to put her
old nerd friend back in her place.

Oh, which nerd friend?
Um, the fat one.

Ingrid Nelson. Ingrid...
Oh, Fatty Magoo?

That's right. Oh, your old
sidekick. What's she been up to?

Well, she owns her own, like,
clothing store now, right?

So Dee's making a dress.
I'm gonna help her sew it.

Because according to Dee, I'm
a loser too. Did you know this?

But, Sweet Dee, being a winner's
not something that you can become.

It's something that you're
kind of born with. Like me.

Like us.
Like me.

All right, let me take a
look at this. No, hold on.

Let's just peek at it. I feel
like you're gonna make fun of it.

It's not done yet.

Dee, when did... What is
this? Is it a boat? Oh, no.

No, it's... It's a boat
with a triangle in it.

It's not a boat. No,
there's a cup and a straw.

Oh, it's a... It's a cocktail
dress. That's a strap.

Is it a raincoat?
It's not a raincoat!

Oh, no. That's a plug. It's a light
bulb. Well, in my head, it's very...

It's elegant. It... I'm having a
hard time putting it out onto paper...

Yeah. Through your hands? Have your
hands been smashed with hammers?

What is wrong with you?
Smashed with hammers?

You're definitely not gonna be putting anybody
in their place with a drawing like this.

Let me give it a shot.
Dennis, take a stab at it.

I'm gonna start with the
breasts. Oh, naturally.

Come on!
Oh, those are beautiful.

Bountiful. Gorgeous,
right? I would say so.

Oh, yeah!
You see? Okay?

That is some good... Then
we move on to the waist.

Yes.
Delicate, precise.

Damn, dude, you can draw. I'm getting
kind of, like, a little flustered here.

Yeah, well, that's understandable.
She's a nice looking lady.

I'll tell you what, dude. How
about I take this sketch, right?

And then I talk to Frank about, you
know, a really good sewing machine.

And then I whip up a
prototype... Oh, of my designs?

What? You dick! Charlie, come
on! I thought we were a team!

Relax. I'm still gonna help you make
your raincoat with the straw on it.

It's not a raincoat! What is this?
This woman doesn't even have a rib cage.

Doesn't matter, Dee.
Because winners always win.

You're not a winner. You're not a winner
because you used to be popular in high school.

But I think you peaked.

Peaked? Peaked, Dee?

Mmm.

Let me tell you something.
I haven't even begun to peak.

And when I do peak,
you'll know.

Because I'm gonna peak so hard that
everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

I'm in my prime.
And I bet you...

that I could sell these dresses to Fatty
Magoo just based on these sketches alone.

And your loser friend is gonna
buy 'em because she's a fatty.

And that's just
the way of the world.

All I have to do is turn
on my winning charm...

and Fatty Magoo will
be putty in my hands.

'Cause us winners always win.
He wasn't talking about you.

I... think he was.

It's too streaky.
Where?

Everywhere. Fix it.

Well, I'm trying, Frank! I've never
spray-painted a chair before, okay?

Why are you covering
your mouth?

Because that lead paint
is extremely toxic.

What? Is that why
I'm feeling so dizzy?

Hey, all I'm hearing is excuses.
And I still have a blotchy chair.

Wait a second. Wait a second! What
am I saying? What am I doing here?

You're making my chair look like it was
dipped in gold. Now get back to work.

Nobody is stupid enough to think that
your chair was dipped in gold, Frank.

Why am I helping you?
Because I'm manipulating you.

That's the way I get
people to do things for me.

Really?
Yeah.

Shit, that's awesome.
How did you do that? Yeah.

If you make my chair look
really nice, I will tell you.

Deal!

I got you. Oh, great.
Oh, good, good. Excellent.

I need to use your business connections to
see if I can get a really cheap sewing machine.

Why? Dennis and I are gonna make
a dress, see if we can sell it.

You're gonna go in the
garment business? No, dude.

I'm not going into the
garment business, okay?

I'm just gonna make one
single dress with Dennis.

Who's gonna run the operation?
It's not an operation, dude.

Look, I just want your help
getting a sewing machine.

Whoa. Wait. Has that
chair been dipped in gold?

So we would cinch it up nice
and tight through the waist...

giving a nice, subtle lift
to the top of the dress...

and keeping those
fat tummies in check.

Gorgeous.
Okay, Dennis, I'm confused.

Why's that? These are just pictures
of women with giant breasts.

Yeah.

And in some of these sketches, the
women aren't even wearing clothes.

Yes.
Well, why?

Listen, let me level with you.

You're an attractive enough girl. I mean,
certainly you've got some potential. All right?

There's no reason for you
to be so nervous around me.

Why don't you just order
a couple of my dresses...

and maybe if you're lucky, I'll
even make one special just for you.

And if you look good
enough in it, hell...

I might even
consider having sex with you.

How does that sound?
Terrible.

All right. Let's just calm down.

You're having a reaction. That's
understandable. It's the nerd in you talking.

Why don't we start over? How many of
my dresses would you like to order?

None. Not one.

I'm not gonna take "no" for an answer because
I just refuse to do that because I'm a winner.

And winners, we don't listen to words
like "no," or "don't," or "stop. "

Those words are just not in our
vocabulary. I know what you need.

You need to see my dress
on a model.

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna come back
tomorrow with a model.

Please don't do that.
Save your breath, Ingrid.

Those words have never worked
on me. I'll see you tomorrow.

Look, I am so confused. Why does she
have light bulbs growing out of her neck?

Light bulbs? What?
Those are shoulder pads.

What? Yeah. You know what?
I'll walk you through it.

No. I don't even want to... Why don't
you just help me make Dennis's designs?

Because Dennis's designs
are terrible. I enjoy them.

I know you do. I walked in and saw you
enjoying them very much this morning in the bar.

This again. I told you I
was scratching myself, Dee!

You were scratching hard
and very vigorously. So...

No. 'Cause that's the only way
I can... It must've really itched.

All right. All right,
fine. What is this thing?

That is Dennis's prototype. Be careful
with that. No, I know it's the prototype.

But I don't get how it works.
You're asking a million questions!

All right, look. I'm just gonna have
to walk you through it, all right?

So pay attention.
Yes. Thank you.

The pretty lady gets naked,
of course.

And I help her into the prototype.

My hands sort of guiding along her
body, making sure that it fits properly.

Now the dress is starting
to look fantastic, you know?

And she feels very excited.
She feels very sensual.

And I feel very sensual about
her because she looks so good.

And then, you know, we chitchat
a little bit. No big deal.

But she asks me back to her
place. Where did that come from?

I accept, you know? And then, you know,
we chitchat at her place. It's no big deal.

But eventually she says, you know,
"Do you want to make love, Charlie?"

Oh, God. And I say, "Are you
serious? Because yes, I do. "

And then just, boom, we're into it.
And it's hot and it's passionate.

Charlie? Then it's just me
and you, babe, all night long.

Oh, my God. Charlie? And I satisfy her so
many times, she starts screaming my name.

Charlie? Charlie!
"Charlie," she says.

"Charlie," she says.
Charlie!

Jesus!
Dee!

What are you... I thought
you had walked back over...

No, I've been standing
here the whole time!

I was in the middle... Are you
gonna help me with this or not?

No, I'm trying to...
What are you doing?

'Cause you're looking pretty...
Oh, Jesus. I'm gonna do it myself.

I gotta say, Frank, I'm really
happy about this partition.

I can't tell you how many
memories this brings back. Yeah?

This is exactly the way I
ran my sweatshops. Is it?

Yes. You have to
separate them from us.

Right.
They need to be trained.

Right. Okay, yeah. I
got an idea. Trained.

I got an idea, okay? I want
to play music in there. Yes?

'Cause I think it'll keep them happy
and motivated. And they'll work harder.

No, no, no, no, no.
Mac, you gotta break 'em.

You gotta break 'em like dogs!

Break 'em!
Yeah!

Break 'em like dogs! You want
to learn about manipulation?

Yes, yes.
This is it. All right, here.

Your first rule of manipulation...

is you gotta show them
who is boss!

You gotta rant and
rave and yell at people!

Then they find their place.
That's it.

Everyone gather around. I
have an announcement to make!

Dennis has an announcement! Go.
Now's your chance. Now's my chance.

Rant and rave.
Gather around.

Everybody, gather around,
please! We're all standing here.

Is this everybody?
Is this everybody!

What are you doing?
Dennis has an announcement!

Yeah, I heard that. I'm
wondering what it is.

It's an announcement!
What's up, Dennis?

I have an announcement.
Oh, my God! What is it?

Quiet on the floor, please! Dennis,
your announcement? Thank you.

I think everyone will be pleased to learn
that we have just received our first order.

That's amazing!
Hooo!

I can't believe they placed an
order before they saw the prototype.

Believe it, Charlie, 'cause
that's what just happened.

What the hell did Fatty Magoo
like about your sketches?

Shut up! How many did
they order? Twenty-five.

Twenty-five? That's right.
Charlie, do you have my prototype?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, do
you have any more of those sketches?

Maybe like one where the lady's,
like, looking right at you?

Stop talking to me.
All right, everyone.

I want those dresses. Now I don't
care how you do it. Just make it work.

You heard the man.
Make it work!

You heard our designer! Ladies and
gentlemen, back to your stations!

Let's make it work! No! No,
I'm not going to make it work!

I'm designing my own clothes! I'm supposed
to be the one who's beating Fatty Magoo!

Mac, take care of this.

Okay. Dee, can I talk
to you for a second?

Look, I know what
you're trying to do.

You want to show this girl
what's what. I get that.

And I think if you just buckle
down and join the team...

Mac, I'm gonna stop you
right there. First of all...

your breath smells like an old
lady fart passing through an onion.

Secondly, I know you're
trying to manipulate me.

And it's not going to work.
Get your hand off my shoulder...

because I've got a fatty to burn.

She's gonna be here any minute.

Can we get this thing tighter? Or can we
lift these up a little bit? Oh, my God!

Are you sure this is the right
size? The dress is the right size.

I wish we could say the same
thing about your body? My God.

What did you eat? The entire kitchen
cupboard today? What's wrong with my body?

So many things. I mean, your breasts,
they're tiny. Your gut is huge.

I wear a "D" cup! Well,
you're just lying about that.

All right now, take this
gut and suck it in. What gut?

Suck the gut in before I scream.

How did you get
into my office?

Ah. Well, how does anyone
get in anywhere, Ingrid?

A little hard work and persistence.
Did you kick in my door?

I intend to kick down a
lot of doors today, Ingrid.

Now, you're gonna have to use
your imagination a little bit...

because my model is a
little on the... side.

But tell me what you see. Well,
I see a man committing a felony...

by breaking into my office
and destroying my property.

I also see a very confused
and uncomfortable model...

who seems to be stuffed into
an ill-fitting garbage bag.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mum, mum.
I see what you're saying, yes.

You're saying that you love the
dress but you hate this model.

She hates the dress, you
freak! Silence your mouth!

She cannot properly see the dress because
your disgusting body is ruining it!

I can't believe I let you see me
naked. Well, that was part of the...

All right. I'm calling the
police. No. No, no, Ingrid.

There's no need to call the police,
okay? Because the only crime...

that's being committed today
is the crime of ugliness.

And sadly, you can't press
charges for that. You know what?

I'm just gonna have to come back next
time with a model with a perfect body.

You've been a
disappointment. Shame on you.

No, no, no. Shit.

Look at this.
Beyond our wildest dreams.

Everything working out, huh, Mac?

This is brilliant,
Frank. It's going smooth.

How you doing with Charlie? Did
you break him like a dog yet?

Almost. I've changed his
diet to only dry food.

And he's no longer allowed
on any of the furniture.

Good.
What about Deandra?

Hmm, not so good. She's
still causing problems.

Hmm. You're gonna have to
take care of this right away.

Oh, goddamn.

Dee!
Come on! Just go straight!

Dee, come on! I feel like
it's broken or something.

It's not broken! You're just messing
with it. I'm not messing with it.

You're punching in and you're...
Don't stomp on the pedal like that!

How do these people... Who are
these women? And what are they...

They're Eastern European women! I have no idea
where Frank got them. They're very good sewers.

You should ask them how to sew.
Okay? They smell like sausage.

They do smell like sausage.
It's terrible. Charlie, shh!

Dee, I need a word.
Get outta here.

What are you working on?
It's my dress. You know that.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Did we not have
a conversation about this, Deandra?

The dress does not
fit the prototype.

I don't give a shit. Come on,
Dee. Don't rock the boat here.

Charlie, I can handle this. I'm on your
side here, man. I'm just trying to say she...

Charlie, sit. Don't
tell me to sit, dude.

You want a treat? I think
I got some jerky here...

I do have some jerky in my
pocket. Do you want some?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah? You
sure? You want some?

Yeah.
Wait for it. Sit.

Shake. Speak.

I would like some
jerky, please. Good boy!

He caught it. He catches it every time.

You want a piece of jerky?
No.

You're supposed to be a goddamn modeling
agency and this is the best you've got?

I mean, I ask you to send
me models who are attractive.

You send pictures of girls that have
bodies like Oompa-Loompas and hippopotamuses!

I can't talk to you people. I can't...

How hard is it to find an attractive model
in the city of Philadelphia? I mean...

Heyoh! Guess what, buddy. We
did it! We filled the order!

What order? The dresses, dude...
25. Pretty efficient, huh?

Yeah. Just, uh, put 'em
by the door or something.

Okay. Hey, you want me to help
you bring 'em to the store?

No! No, I don't want you to
ever go to the store ever!

Why not? Something wrong?
No. Everything is... great.

Everything is... perfect.

Then why don't you want
me to go to the store?

'Cause you're busy.

I'm not busy. I actually have a pretty
clear docket for the next couple of...

No, you're so busy. Because
we just got another order.

We did? For how many?

Uh, a hundred.

A hundred? We got an order
for a hundred dresses?

Oh, my gosh!

That's fantastic! Ooh.
Mmm!

We gotta kick it up a notch.

Dee, come here! Where
the hell have you been?

It's only 9:00 in the morning. Oh,
my God. I've been here since 5:00.

What? Dee, things have
changed around here.

They're running this place
like a concentration camp.

We shouldn't even be
talking right now!

I think you better sit down and get to
work. It's bad. The situation is bad!

Oh, my God! They're watching us,
Dee. They're always watching us.

What do you think they're
saying out there, Frank?

I don't know,
but I don't like it.

The German war propaganda
was a nice idea.

Wait till you hear
the steam whistle.

Charlie, where's my dress?

Charlie, I left it
right here! Where is it?

Please don't do this. Did you
do something with my dress?

What did you do? Where is
it? Just go back to work.

Tell me where it is, you son of
a bitch! I'm not supposed to say!

You want to lose your hand,
Charlie? I'm not supposed to say!

Tell me where it is!
Tell me!

Is that a steam whistle?

What the hell's going on
over there?

Everything's fine. What
happened to my dress?

It was destroyed and the materials
were distributed amongst the workers.

What? You guys! How could you do that
to me? I worked forever on that dress!

The dress did not fit the prototype!
It didn't fit the prototype!

Screw the prototype! What are you talking
about? Now I have to start all over!

I'm afraid not, Deandra.
We're gonna have to let her go.

You heard the man, Dee! Get
off the floor! Oh, my God.

Off the floor now, Dee!
You know what?

Ladies! We're outta here!
No.

We don't need this! Let's go! We got
a whole box of knockwurst up there.

A big pot of it! Deandra,
what are you doing?

I'm staging a strike. Let's
go! I'm pulling it again!

No, no... I'm pulling
it again! Back to work!

You can do it,
Dennis, because you're a winner.

You haven't peaked. You
haven't even begun to peak.

But you're gonna peak today. Oh,
you're gonna peak all over everybody.

Make it work, Dennis.

Together forever and never to part

Together forever we two

Make it work. And don't
you know I would move...

There she is! Dee,
what... what are you doing?

I'm having you arrested for
slave labor. Slave labor?

Yes. What the hell
are you talking about?

You bought some dresses
from my brother, Dennis...

that were made in a sweatshop
in the basement of our bar.

Do not listen to a word this
woman says! She is stark-raving mad!

She's a goddamn lunatic, okay?
Those dresses were made...

by voluntary laborers
who work for us...

on their own free will to feed their
starving families in their home countries!

In a sweatshop! In a
sweatshop! Not a sweatshop.

It is a sweatshop.
No, a working factory!

Which makes you the
biggest loser, Fatty Magoo.

I didn't buy anything
from your insane brother.

Really?
What?

Really.
So let me get this straight.

Dennis has been lying
to us the whole time?

I don't know
and I don't care.

Wait a second. Fatty Magoo.
Are you Ingrid Nelson?

Yes.
No shit!

I'm Mark Dunlap. I knew
you in high school. Wow!

You look terrific.
Thanks.

And that would make you
the Aluminum Monster.

Oh, man! You were all jacked
up, huh? I don't remember.

Remember that? With the back
brace. And all that metal.

And you were like...

You were like... an
aluminum monster. Thank you.

That really was the best name
for it. The only name for it.

You were so cute.
Oh, thanks.

It was a lot of metal, man. Hey,
hey, I used to know your brother.

Now, he was a pretty cool
guy. Whatever happened to him?

Behold a winner in all his...

Oh, shit.

What are you guys doing here?

Together forever and never to part

Together forever we two

And don't you know I
would move heaven and earth

To be together forever with you

Together forever
and never to part

Together forever we two

And don't you know I
would move heaven and earth

To be together forever with...