It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Gang Sells Out - full transcript

Oh, my God, dude!

There is definitely a helicopter
pad on the roof of this building.

No, there isn't, Charlie.
Yes, there is.

Every single one of these corporate
buildings has a helipad on the roof.

Charlie is right. There's always
some big boss man fat cat...

that needs to be able
to escape by helicopter.

What is he escaping
from? Secret tunnels then.

Secrets tunnels?
There are no...

Secret tunnels, a monorail
system and a helipad.

Guys! Can we stop arguing?
There are two systems.

I don't wanna talk to this corporate
drone any longer than we have to.

We're split on the helicopters.
We'll come back to the secret tunnels.

That was an excellent idea.
I think we'd better.

But we can all agree we should
at least hear this guy out.

I guess. Yeah, sure.
Let's hear the guy out.

Okay, we'll hear him out.
We're agreed.

Sir, please continue.

O- Okay. Right. Um...

As I was saying, when I went
down to your bar the other day...

nobody appeared to be working there.

There were people there, but they were just
customers who seemed to be serving themselves.

We're out and about a
lot, bro. Get to the point.

Well, we here at Media
Restaurant Group...

really think that the location of
your bar would be a perfect spot...

for one of our Oldies Rock Caf?s.

Shit, dude, how do I explain
this to you? I don't know.

This bar... it's who we are.

All right?
It's all we've got.

It's our life. You
wouldn't understand that.

You corporate pigs think
you can just buy everything.

You can't buy everything.
We know your kind.

You big businesses going all over
town swallowing up all the small guys.

Well, guess what, pal...
Paddy's Pub can't be bought.

Okay. Well, if you would just
please take a look at our offer.

Yeah, man. We'll take
a look at it, but...

Sold!

There is no way I'm selling the bar.

It's time for a life of leisure, buddy.

It's time to retire and
collect that pension.

Think of all the money
we're gonna get.

What are you talking about?
The money from selling the bar.

We could retire to an island.
We'll all get fat and tan.

Dee, you're not gonna get shit.
No.

We're the shareholders.
You own nothing.

Are you serious? I have been with
you guys since the very beginning.

I would think of Paddy's
as an Enron-type situation.

We're gonna cut and run, and we're gonna
leave you out there broke and jobless.

It's nothing personal. It's just
business. It's a business thing.

It does not matter one bit, because
I'm not selling the bar anyway.

Just take a look.
What is that?

That's the offer.

Let's sell this piece-of-shit bar.

Really? Really? Just like that?
See ya later, piece of shit!

Wait just one second. We have to
milk this cow for all she's worth.

We need to be wooed.

Yeah, I could go for being wooed.
Oh.

I'd love to be wooed. I
could go for some wood.

Uh, no. We're saying "wooed. "
Yeah.

We'll get some wood. We'll build something
cool. Then we'll go get the money.

That doesn't have anything to
do with what we're talking about.

We're talking about being
wooed by this corporate guy.

Dennis, just...
It's a waste of time?

How are you gonna be wood?
Let's just...

Let's just go and sell this
bar for everything we can get.

Let's do it, boys. Let's go!

Wait a second. What the
hell am I supposed to do?

Don't give a shit.

Hi. I need to apply for a job.

Right. Just fill out this application...

and I'll put it in the
stack with the others.

Dee? Hey.

Hi.
Are you applying for a job here?

Here?
Yeah.

What, are you crazy? Gross.
No, I would never work here.

I'm working here.
Hmm.

Yeah. I'm assistant managing. I
thought you worked at the coffee shop.

I do still, but a Starbucks
moved in across the street...

and they're stealing all our business.

Right across the street? Well, that
is good to know. I love Starbucks.

Oh.

That's why I'm working here. Do
you think you can get me a job?

Here? I thought you weren't
applying. No, that was a lie.

Oh. Um...
Here's my application.

Okay. Uh, you didn't fill it
out yet. I Know. You do it.

I don't mind. I'm gonna grab
a beer while you're doing that.

Come get me and give me all my
stuff, and I'll start. I don't...

Thank you so much.
This is awesome.

Did you go to high school or...

So, you guys ready to sell?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, pal.
Listen. We have terms.

Okay. What are your terms?

We'd like a plaque.

Of us... to be hung in
the new restaurant...

to pay tribute
and preserve our legacy.

Now, it could also
be a statue, okay?

Something real classy though.

Something like where
those American soldiers...

are raising that flag
up in that one war.

The war where we saved
Japan. Oh, correct. Hiroshima.

Actually, Charlie,
it wasn't Hiroshima.

I'm pretty sure
Hiroshima's in Japan.

We dropped a nuclear bomb on Japan.

Why the hell did we drop
a nuclear bomb on Japan?

They make all our cars. They're our
friends. Not my car. I buy American.

American cars are pieces
of shit. Everybody knows it.

You're making a big mistake. Japan
makes the best cars. And Germany.

The problem with Germany is
they don't make enough hybrids.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me!
What? Put some...

Is that it?
Not even close.

It's the tip of the iceberg. We also
wanna be the ones to blow up the bar.

I'm sorry? Don't worry. We've
already worked out everyone's part.

Mac, he's gonna hold the spool.
Charlie's gonna do the countdown.

Frank and I, we're gonna push
the handle down... kablowie.

And I want the chopper.
No! No! No! No!

Excuse me, sir. I would
like a helicopter flyby.

I don't need to be in it. I just
want your corporate chopper...

to fly by my apartment
window real low and fast.

Okay. Okay, you know what,
here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna pull the deal
off the table.

Fine. Then...

we'll go with the original offer.

No.

Well, something a little less than
the original offer. Less money?

We would accept something
substantially less.

I'm gonna go ahead
and offer you nothing.

You promised that you would
not bring up the helicopter.

You're not the boss of me,
so quit...

Technically, Charlie, I am the boss
of you because I own half your shares.

Since when? You sold me half your
shares of the bar for goods and services.

Wait a second. You've definitely
given me half your shares too.

Maybe I gave you guys a couple shares
when my back was against the wall...

and I needed
a little breathing room.

You gave me a shitload of
shares for a half a sandwich.

What are you guys doing? Is this a
hose job where you're hosing me down?

You hosed yourself down. You hosed
yourself up and down, Charlie.

What do you want me to do?
I don't care. Get a job.

Oh, get a job? Just get a job?

Why don't I strap on my job helmet
and squeeze down into a job cannon...

and fire off into job land
where jobs grow on jobbies?

Now we're wasting time.
Will you get outta here?

You know what... I'm walking.
I can't stand you guys.

Whew. Now that we got rid of that dead
weight, let's come up with a strategy.

What's your plan? I'm thinking, if
this fat cat is not gonna woo us...

then we gotta woo him.

Yeah, uhhuh

I thought you guys were
taking me to dinner.

Come on. Who doesn't like to watch
a naked woman swing 'round on a pole?

Gay man, for one.
Huh?

I'm gay.
No.

You're so big and tough. You
do not come across as gay.

You don't look like a gay
guy. That's 'cause he's a bear.

Huh?
He's a bear.

Some gay guys are twinks, and others
are bears. This gay guy's a bear.

By the way, we're totally cool
with that. To each his own.

Wait. I'm a little confused
here. What's a twink?

A twink is small and
slender... like Mac.

No. I'm too muscular.
I would be a bear.

Don't think so.
Not hairy enough.

Smooth. I would be a bear.

See, I don't think
you'd be a bear either.

I don't know what you would be.
You're definitely not a twink.

I'd be a top. That's for sure.
Maybe.

Can a twink be a top, or
is that reserved for bears?

I'm sure there's a great deal
of switching back and forth...

but I think more often
than not bears are tops.

Unless they happen to be power
bottoms. What's a power bottom?

A power bottom is a bottom that is capable
of receiving an enormous amount of power.

Actually, you got it backwards.

A power bottom's generating all
the power by doing most of the work.

Does the power have to do with the
size or the strength of the bottom?

Dennis, I've heard that speed
has something to do with it.

Speed has everything to do with it.

The speed of the bottom informs the top
how much pressure he's supposed to apply.

Speed's the name of
the game. Right, buddy?

Goddamn it.

Now that you have your
silverware all set out...

you're gonna need to refill all the
ketchup bottles in your sections.

Ooh. That sounds like a whole thing.

Know what I'll do... if they start to get
empty, I'll just grab some from other tables.

No, because then someone else
is doing your work for you.

Yeah, which makes my job easier.

That's not how we do it here.

You actually have to follow
the rules. We're very strict.

Which means you probably
shouldn't be drinking beer while...

You probably should get used to
it because I'm gonna do it anyway.

Dee. Perfect. There you
are. Look, I need a...

Hello. This is a surprising turn.

Hello, Charlie. How
you doin'? This is good.

You working here or... Wow. Look
at you. You cracked the case.

Why are you here then? Kinda
hit rock bottom. Need a job.

Dee, can you hook me up
with a job here?

I've been here for, like, two
hours. Talk to the manager.

Oh, you're the manager
now. Good for you. Thanks.

Not an easy accomplishment. So,
job? I don't think so, Charlie.

You're pretty weird, you make me feel
uncomfortable, and you smell really bad.

You say that, but I
don't... I don't see it.

Look, when I'm at work, I am
all about work. Right, Dee?

Really does clean a mean
toilet. I'll sparkle it.

Fine. Okay, fine.
I will give you a job.

You can be the assistant
sanitation apprentice.

Oho! Nice. What does that guy do?
Hey!

That guy is gonna clean up vomit
and shit and put out grease fires.

Sold. Dee, get me a beer.

You can't drink beer on the
job. You can get your own beer.

I gotta get a beer...
take the edge off...

and then I'll get started doin' the
fires or whatever you want me to start.

What was it?

Hey. You need to talk to me?
Dee, yeah.

One of the bills that you dropped on one
of your tables was actually the wrong one.

No. I doubledropped it. I used
to do it at Paddy's all the time.

I use the same bill for two tables,
and I pocket the cash for the other one.

That's stealing.
I know.

We're sticking it to those
corporate bastards, aren't we?

We're not doing anything.
Okay. That's rude.

If they find out that I know that
you're doing this, I'm gonna lose my job.

You know what? I'm not
asking you to do much.

Just turn a blind eye while
I rob this place stupid.

No. I need this job.

Wow. Fine. Fine.
Okay.

I do.
Okay.

I have no idea why Dennis
thinks you're so cool.

Did you say that Dennis
thinks I'm cool? What's that?

Did you say that Dennis
thinks I'm cool?

He thinks you're really cool. But he's my
brother, so we recap the day with each other.

When I tell him about this,
I feel like he's gonna be...

You don't need to tell
him that this happened. No?

Because if you tell him
that I'm cool, then...

maybe we can forget that this
whole thing ever happened.

Deal.
Deal.

Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt. Dee,
let's talk sugars for one quick second.

You got a sugar crisis on your tables.

Those little sugarholder things...
they don't refill themselves.

We're doing all the work for you, and
you're making your manager look bad.

Thanks, Charlie.
No sweat.

It's a team effort out there,
right? You gotta pick up your slack.

Otherwise, we're doing all the work
for you. You're getting a little close.

I think I was just stretching
out, and maybe you leaned in.

I don't think so, but let's
not let that happen again.

Didn't mean to do anything inappropriate.
I was just trying to help out.

Okay, you know what? Back to work,
everyone. Back to work, everybody.

Back to work.
Back to work.

Will you please drop the act?

She is not into you, and
you're making me look bad.

You're making yourself look bad.
Your tables are pathetic, Dee.

You're not gonna impress her.
We'll see.

Yeah.

Oh!
He's still got it.

What is going on here,
Frank? Who are these guys?

These are the Yellow Jacket boys...

my old street gang from the '50s.

What exactly are your old,
pathetic friends doing here, Frank?

The corporate guy decided to
buy the bookstore down the block.

So me and the boys thought
we'd do a little loitering.

That's dumb. That is a dumb,
stupid, dumb idea. Dumb.

No, Dennis, it's not
that dumb of an idea.

If we can establish that there's a seedy
element outside of that bookstore...

maybe the offer comes back to us.

Exactly.
You guys do whatever you want.

I'm gonna go back to that Oldies Rock
Caf? and get Charlie and Dee back.

If we're not gonna sell the bar...

we at least need them here cleaning
our toilets and serving us our beer.

Great. Frank, please tell me that
you have another one of those jackets.

Not for you, bitch.

What the hell are you doing here?

We want you guys to come back
because they pulled out of the sale.

So you screw me over to sell
the bar, and then you blow it.

Now you want me to come back just to
serve you drinks and not pay me anything.

Is that a yes or... What is that?

That's a no, dick.
I am very happy here.

I will have you know I am
taking this place up the butt...

with a little scheme I like
to call Dee's Double Drop.

You're doing the double drop
here too? You know about this?

Oh, yeah. We always used to take
the difference out of your purse.

What? Are there always
this many chicks here?

Yeah. College crowd.

Oh, college chicks. I like that.

Tell you what. Why don't you
get me a job as a bartender here?

No. Screw you.
I'm not helping you.

Why wouldn't you help me?
What are you talking about?

How is it not obvious? It's
not obvious to me at all.

You are stupid. You
are straight up stupid.

Why the hell am I talking to you about
this anyway? You're just an underling.

Let me talk to a manager. I
think that's a very good idea.

Why don't you take this application
and go to the back office?

I'll send the manager
right in to you.

Okay, all right. Back here?
Back there.

You son of a bitch.

Hey. Sorry for keeping you waiting.

It's busy out there tonight.

So, Charlie Kelly.
Nice to meet you.

Uh, I understand you're looking
for a bartending position.

What the hell you doin'?
You're the manager here now?

Things move very quickly
here at the Oldies Rock Caf?.

May I? I need to look
over your forms here.

I think I'll just... Can I just
take a quick peek at that? Thank you.

Let's take a little
look-see here. Okay. Good.

Good, good.
This all looks good.

So, uh, tell me about Paddy's
Pub. Are you kidding me?

I think I need to know
what your duties were.

I'm not gonna answer any of
your... Did you do anything there?

I am not gonna answer any of your
questions. Just give me a job.

Really. Well, does not respond
well to authority. Noted.

Goddamn it. Goddamn you.

Language is a bit of an issue
here at the Oldies Rock Caf?.

Charlie! What are you
doing in my office?

A little research.
Are you... Dennis.

Hey.
Hi.

Wow, look at you. You
look... Lookin' good. Okay.

Are you the manager?
Yes.

First of all, let me just apologize to
you for never calling you back, ever.

And secondly, I'm here because
I'm looking for a bartending job.

Oh, well, maybe I should then...

I'll go and just get your...
uniform. Get me a uniform?

Is that what you were gonna say?
We said the same thing earlier.

Off you go.
Okay.

Okay.

What is her name again?

I hate you.

That was a knock, man.

This isn't very intimidating, Frank.

Don't worry. We're sending
out a strong message, Mac.

Hey, look, kids. It's
a '50s doowop group.

What? No, we're not
a '50s doowop group.

Would you sing us a
song? We don't sing, guy.

Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing.
We'll sing for you. Right, boys?

You guys sing? Of course
we sing. We're a gang.

No, no! Gangsters don't sing! What are you
talking about? Ever hear of gangster rap?

We are not gonna intimidate anybody if we're
entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood.

Are you kidding me? Listen to this.

One, two, three.
Bom, bom bom

Those darn Yellow Jacket boys

Buzz, buzz, bumble

They don't pay for soda pop
'cause they really rumble

Buzz, buzz, buzz

Bzz, bzz, bzz!
Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

Oohooh
Yeah

Bumba, babababa, oombaoom

Lick 'em and stick 'em, ladies!

Whoo!
Excuse me.

Wow. You know what? You are
not allowed to drink on the job.

What are you doing? I'm a
bartender. All I do is drink.

That's against the rules. We're not
actually following the rules, are we?

Hey, Cocktail, can I get those
drinks before my shift ends?

I'm sorry. I've been so busy getting so many
phone numbers. Yeah, what's that all about?

While you've been
picking up bar whores...

I have been doubledropping
like a bastard out there.

You're doubledropping again?
I never stopped doubledropping.

That is unbelievable.
What are you on about?

I thought we were sticking it to the
man. I am not sticking it to anyone.

This is my job. I
have to report you two.

Wow.

This tattletale business is
very ugly, isn't it, Dennis?

Yeah.

You know what, Dennis.

I took a chance giving you a job
here, and you're screwing me over.

Why are you being so needy? Do you
realize how unattractive that is to me?

Don't you wanna be
attractive to me? Come on.

All right, ladies. Who wants
to do a shot off my abs?

What's goin' on over
there? Are you all right?

I'm not all right. Dennis and
Dee are being complete assfaces.

I gave them a chance to work here.

They're stealing from the
restaurant, and I'm gonna get fired.

What? They're stealing?
Yes.

I will take care of Dennis
and Dee for you, all right?

I will rid you of
those two jerks. Really?

Yes. Thanks, Charlie.
That's really nice of you.

Hey, how about a hug
to cheer you up?

Well, a quick one.

Oh, for real? Oh, man.

Okay. That's good.

Doesn't this feel right?
That felt good. No. Thank you.

Wow. Why are you so sweaty?
It's really hot in here.

It's not hot. It's freezing.
It is freezing, isn't it?

They're blazing that A. C.

All right, listen, Yellow Jackets.

Just let me do the talking. I'm
gonna let my blade do the talkin'.

Jesus Christ, Frank!
No blades. Okay?

We're just sending him a message.

If he doesn't buy the bar,
then there's gonna be trouble.

You bet.

What are you people
doing at my house?

Well, actually, sir, we are here
just to talk. I'm not buying your bar.

Look, pal, you'd
better not mess with us.

You see Hawky over here?
Uhhuh.

He's crazy. I'm not sure
what he's capable of.

Is that right? You got
something to say, old man?

Good night.

Guess what. I just topped myself for
most phone numbers in one day... nine.

Nine? Come on.
What do you think?

Six strawberry margaritas,
please. You got it, babe.

You know what? Don't make 'em, 'cause
you won't have your jobs much longer.

Corporate's on their way down
here right now to fire your asses.

What? You told on us?

Babe, don't do that to me. I feel like
we were getting so close, sweet baby.

He doesn't even know
your name. Yes, I do.

What's my name? What is it?
Beautiful.

Oh, my God. You're a dick. I
called you Beautiful all the time.

Would you not want to
be called beautiful?

One of you guys
the one who called me?

Right here. These are the
two that were stealing.

Wait a minute.
I know you. And you.

You're the guys who own that
dive bar down the street.

You're the corporate dude
with the helicopter. Right.

Here's the thing. I had a
really strange night last night.

Your friends
and their doowop group...

they showed up at my
house and attacked me.

One of them died on my doorstep,
and it sort of put me in a funk.

So I'm gonna clean house,
and you're all fired.

What?
Yeah. You guys are all fired.

I'm not fired.
I'm not fired, right?

Did you hire these people?
She sure did. She hired me.

Then clearly you're an idiot,
because these people are psychopaths.

But, no, you're not fired.
I'm just kidding. You are.

Everybody, get the hell
out of my restaurant.

Psychotic. Come on.
Goddamn it.

Goddamn it, Charlie!
Really?

How am I gonna pay
for my rent next month?

Don't worry about it. Come
live with me. Go to hell!

Whoa. She is strung up supertight.

You guys wanna do
some farewell shots?

Absolutely, buddy.
Here we go.

Hawky lived a fast, hard life.

Some stars shine so bright that
they burn out before their time.

We're gonna miss you, Hawky.

Okay. You ready, boys?
Yeah.

Boom, boom, boom, boom

Hawky never spoke much

But he had his doo-doo-doowop

Now you're buzzing around
that hive in the sky

Yellow Jacket Hawky
Oh, yeah

We bid you goodbye

Buzz