It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Mac Is a Serial Killer - full transcript

So he's in the law house, right...

Oh, please stop talking.
Just let me finish my story.

Describing an episode of Law and
Order in full detail is not a story.

No, it's so good. First of all, I
think I could be a really good lawyer.

I'm better than Sam Waterston,
I'll tell you that much.

You want to be a lawyer? Don't you think
you should know how to read or write?

Objection. Hearsay. That's lawyer talk.
That's the kind of stuff you have to do.

That serial killer killed
another woman last night. Really?

Yeah. It says here he's targeting
young, attractive blondes.

Okay, that's it. I'm not closing
the bar by myself anymore.

Why? What are you worried about?
You don't fit the description.

I fit the description. No,
no. Young, attractive...

I fit the description. All right.
Well, first of all, you're too big, Dee.

You're like a, you're
like a female Larry Bird.

There's too much of you.
There's not too much of me.

He would never finish the
job. He'd get the job done.

He'd spend his whole night hacking and
sawing. Then he still wouldn't be done.

He would open his box of tools and say,
"What tools am I gonna use for this?"

He could use normal tools. He'd look at
that pile of bones and flesh and say...

"How many people have I murdered
tonight?" "How is this just one person?"

Mm-hmm. Well, guess
what. You're Larry Bird.

That's okay, 'cause Larry Bird's an
excellent player. He's an awesome player.

What's up, bitches?
Hey yo!

Hey. This guy,
he got laid last night.

What? No, I didn't. Yeah,
you did. You didn't come home.

Yes, I did. You're wearing the same
clothes you were wearing yesterday.

That's what you were wearing
yesterday. These are different clothes.

Where'd you get those
scratches on your neck? What?

You got scratches on
your neck. No, I don't.

Oh, let me see.
No. What?

I gotta take a piss.
I don't have any...

You guys are... Huh?

Well, that was weird.
Wow.

He's been acting like that a lot
lately. What's gotten into him?

Serial killing.

If I'm gonna prove that Mac is guilty,
I gotta apply a little pressure.

I'm gonna get a chain saw.
A chain saw?

You can't just torture someone
'cause you think they're guilty.

Oh, don't give me that liberal bullshit.

Mac is not the serial killer. He's
not smart enough. He's a dumb person.

And dumb people are not
capable of serial killing.

Oh, yeah? What about the scratches
on his neck? I got a hunch about this.

You got a hunch? Frank's got a
hunch. Let's just convict him.

Let's carve our best friend to pieces with a
chain saw based on a hunch. Jesus Christ, Frank.

Dee, why don't you and I use
a little textbook psychology?

And that'll lead us to the
real serial killer's doorstep.

Are you all gonna go
against me on this?

Sorry, Larry Bird. Stop trying
to use the Larry Bird thing.

I don't know. Shh.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing.
Nothing.

Okay, I forgot about this thing
that I gotta do, take care of.

I was thinking about it in the bathroom. And
I figured I should just go deal with it now.

So I'm just gonna go deal with it
now. I guess I'll see you guys later?

Okay, bye.

Oh, if I prove that he is guilty...

I am gonna torture
the shit out of him.

Hey, you.
We need to talk.

I don't understand. I
thought we talked about this.

We did. It's just that my
friends are getting suspicious.

And I cannot have them find out
that we are dating again. Why not?

Because of your... Oh,
God. Situation down there.

You mean my penis? Well, you
don't have to say it out loud.

I told you.
I'm getting rid of it.

I know. But when, dude? I feel like
I've been putting a lot of time in here.

Soon. It takes time. Look,
I know that it takes time.

I've been reading up
on the subject.

But maybe we should just
take it easy until then.

Because of the penis?
Oh, boy. There it is.

The penis.
Yes. Because of the pen...

Okay, listen.
Here's the deal.

I feel like we make out, and
it's great. I mean, really great.

But then things start to get
hot and heavy and you scratch me.

Which is cool. But you're
really strong, and it hurts.

And sometimes... just
sometimes... I bump up against it.

And I... I just can't
handle that.

Really? Because you seem
like you can handle anything.

I mean, with that body.

Well. Yeah, I mean, physically, sure.

I mean, I guess I can handle
pretty much any situation.

I mean, I do...
work out. So...

You sure do.

I don't know. He's
been in there a long time.

You think he's chopping up bodies?
He's not chopping up anything.

He's not a serial killer. Hey, man. What'd
I tell you about bringing that chain saw?

Hey, you want to take
a picture with it?

No. We're on an invest...
Do you have a camera? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely then.

Yeah. All right. How's this
look? Does this look cool?

Hold it closer to your
face and look really crazy.

Like I'm killing somebody?

Let me start it and get my
tongue... Put your tongue there.

There he is. There he is.
Oh!

We got ourselves
a serial killer.

No, you don't have anything.
That's inconclusive, Frank.

Look, look. He's guilty as sin.
Look at him. He's sneaking around.

You gotta have hard evidence.
You don't have any hard evidence.

I'll tell you what you do have. You got a
camera. So let's snap one off, all right?

Okay, like this?
Okay, right.

Put your tongue closer
to the blade.

Dennis!

Dee. What the hell
are you doing?

Get outta here. You're
gonna blow my cover.

This seems extraordinarily dangerous.

Dee, that is the point
of being here.

This is the area of the highest
concentration of murders by the serial killer.

I know. That's why I feel like a sitting
duck out there. You volunteered for this, Sis.

If you recall, I didn't want to use you
as the bait. You do not fit the profile.

I fit the profile, Dennis! That's the right
attitude. Now pull these out or something.

You need to look sexy for this guy.
Otherwise, he's never gonna... Come on.

I just feel like this is a very inappropriate
outfit for how cold it is out here.

Is it cold out here?
It's freezing!

I have a down jacket on, a wool blanket.
It's a very toasty situation I got back here.

Get back out there, tiger. You
can do it. I believe in you.

Oh, Mac?

Are you in there?

We're clear, Charlie.
Come on.

This is an illegal search, Frank.

What's the decorating motif
of this place... prison cell?

I'm pretty sure you need a
warrant to be doing this, buddy.

What... Why are you wearing
those gloves? Fingerprints.

You think I want some Jew lawyer
crawling up my ass in six months?

Objection.
Extremely racist, man.

The guy's innocent, all
right? You're poking around...

but there's no point to it 'cause
you're not gonna find anything.

Oh!
And Bingo was his nameo

The Human Anatomy.

He's got a half
a chapter highlighted...

on the removal
of human genitalia.

Hey, Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive
research on his own genitalia? All right?

Don't say "you," buddy,
because I woke up...

to you doing some pretty
frantic research last night, pal.

We could go tit for tat on that
one. So you better drop that subject.

All I'm saying is that the book doesn't
mean anything. You got no evidence!

You got no case, Frank.

It stinks, that stuff. This
stuff is Drakkar Noir, man.

Damn, girl. Who you with?
Oh.

I think you got the wrong
idea. I'm not with anybody.

Word? Well, lookee here.

Maybe if you get up off that crack rock,
you can come and be Pepper Jack?s best ho.

Oh, no. I'm not
on any crack rock.

I mean, one... Okay, one time
I was hooked on the crack rock.

But that was because I was trying to
get on welfare and fail a drug test.

But that stuff, you gotta be
careful because it'll mess you.

Why are you asking? Do
you have some on you?

Hi. Uh, sir, I'm sorry. We're trying
to conduct a little business here.

Ho. Pepper Jack?s trying to conduct some
business here too. You with this cracker?

No. Well, technically, we drove here
together. But I'm not with anybody.

You heard it.
Your bitch chose me.

See now, Pepper Jack, I feel
like we're miscommunication.

Bitch, you speak
when spoken to now.

Oh, no. No. Sir, you know what? We're
just gonna get out of here. Dee, let's go.

Whoa. Now you're not just gonna come
here and take Pepper Jack?s best ho.

You want this ho back,
Pepper Jack needs to get paid.

Pepper Jack, are you serious? Do
Pepper Jack look like he playing?

I don't think Pepper Jack?s playing.

I feel like Pepper Jack isn't playing
either. No, Pepper Jack is not playing.

In fact, Pepper Jack about to cut
somebody. Oh, please don't cut.

Oh, no cutting. That's not
necessary. All right, how much?

Well, what you got? I don't know.
Seven bucks and a stupid thermos.

Is that Fraggle Rock?
Yeah.

Oh, Pepper Jack love Fraggle Rock.

Listen, I feel like we've been
going about this the wrong way.

I mean, you can't just jump
into the mind of a serial killer.

I feel like you need
to walk in his shoes.

Right. We need to go deeper. We need
to eat, breathe and sleep serial killer.

Go through all of the steps that this guy
would in order to understand his thoughts.

Yeah. Okay, what's the first step?

Here's what I think. If I was
gonna start mass murdering people...

I feel like the first thing
I would do is pick a victim.

Right. We need a victim. We need to
find somebody who we would want to kill.

Mm-hmm.
But who?

Here you go, Dee.
Thanks.

And shithead.
Hope you burn your tongue.

Sit down. No. What the
hell is wrong with you?

What is wrong with me? What the hell
is wrong with you? I saw you last night!

You did?
So you admit it?

Yeah. Don't ever admit it,
Mac! Don't ever admit it!

It makes my job that much
harder. All right, look.

You gotta quit this thing,
buddy. I tried, dude. I tried.

But it's like a drug. I just get wrapped
up in the moment and boom, it just happens.

I don't care what your sick and twisted
reasons are. I don't want to hear it.

Who else knows about
this? Nobody. Just her.

Well, that's good. She won't be a
problem. She ain't gonna tell anybody.

But I gotta tell you, buddy.
Frank's onto you. Frank knows?

Well, he's sniffing
around. Oh, goddamn it.

When the time is right, he's gonna come
at you, and he's gonna come at you hard!

Here's what you gotta
do. You gotta deny.

Deny. Just deny it. Just deny
it. Deny, deny, deny, deny.

You just deny it.
Deny it to the end.

If you deny something, it means it
never happened. It never happened.

You gotta promise me
something here, buddy. Uhhuh?

You gotta stop.

Well, okay. That's gonna be
a little bit of an issue, man.

I don't know if I can
promise that. Are you serious?

I want to stop. I just...
Okay. Hey, man. Hey, hey.

Shh, shh, shh. We're gonna
get you the help. All right?

But in the meantime, you gotta give
me the time to, like, build your case.

You know? To... To
help your defense out.

Like, you know, I
gotta do my thing. And then...

And then I do some moves.

Yeah. I'm into it.
Okay. Yeah, all right.

What the hell does that have anything
to do with what we're talking about?

Lawyer stuff. It's a great
show. Are you gonna help me?

Yeah, man.
Are you wearing my Drakkar?

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Accusations.

Well, it's just...
Those are no good.

It's my favorite...

I'm telling you, Dee, this is a
bad idea. No. We need killing tools.

But you're not using your head.
This is serial killing 101.

You don't buy anything that
can be traced back to you.

We're not buying anything.

My neighbor Gary works here. He
is desperately in love with me.

We need killing tools, he needs me
to smile at him every once in a while.

We're gonna take whatever we want for
free. There's gonna be no paper trail.

That works. I wonder if
they have painter's overalls.

How come?
Well, my guy's a painter.

I go from house to house gaining
very easy access to my victims.

And more importantly,
gaining their trust. Uhhuh.

Who's your guy?
Psycho clown.

Psycho clown?

Yeah. I like to dress like a clown when I
slaughter. Now help me grab some killing tools.

The serial killer's probably
not a psycho clown, Dee.

Whoa. What do you think
of these gardening shears?

I like those gardening shears very
much. But do they cut through bone?

Oh, yeah. That's a good
question. Hey, Gary.

These shears, they
do cut through bone, yes?

Uh, yeah. I guess.
Yeah, I thought so.

Gary, my brother and I,
we're gonna take these shears.

But we're gonna take 'em
on the hush-hush. What?

For free.

Oh, okay.
Okay.

Get back to work.
There you go.

Oh, man. That guy's a
pussy. Yeah, spineless.

Hello.

Messy.
Too messy.

Very messy.

Do you mind if my associate and
I ask you a couple questions?

Don't feel compelled to
answer any of them, Mrs. Mac.

I will be recording this conversation.
You want a fresh cigarette?

Here, here.
Yeah.

I notice you like cherry pie.

Cut the chitchat. My client's clearly
a busy woman. Ask your questions.

In your opinion, ma'am,
was your son an angry child?

Objection. Leading.

Did he ever exhibit any hatred
toward women? Irrelevant questioning.

Do you think he was raised in a
dysfunctional family? Move to strike.

Wait a minute. What are you talking
about? Ask her fair questions!

I'll give you one question, and
then we're out of here! One question.

You think your son's
out there killing people?

Yeah.
Oh!

That's it, lady!
Damn it!

You just buried me!
Chain saw serial killer.

You buried me. That's my
whole case! I'll be in touch.

I can't believe you actually dressed like a
clown. You're gonna draw so much attention.

I thought we were
getting into the killer's shoes.

But the killer's not a psycho clown,
Dee. That's only in movies... stupid ones.

Oh, really? John Wayne
Gacy? He was a psycho clown.

He was an excellent one. Did
good work. Come on, Dee, that's...

Yeah, actually, you're right. He was
pretty... Okay, okay. Here she comes.

This is the fun part, Dee. This is
the part that we've been working up to.

This is what all the work has been
for. We're gonna follow our victim.

Uhhuh.
And then we're gonna jump her.

And then I'm gonna strangle her and
you're gonna chop her into pieces.

Okay, but what are we really gonna do?

Huh? We're not really gonna
kill her. What are we gonna do?

Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. That's
a bummer. Yeah, you're right.

Let's just follow her for a little.
We'll throw a good scare into her.

Figure out what to do later. That's
just not as much fun as actually...

No. No. I know. It's good
enough. Let's do this. Okay.

Oh, my God.
My eyes feel like fire.

Dee, if you hadn't been squeaking
around like a goddamn psycho clown...

she never would've noticed
us. No, this is not my fault.

Everything we do is
backfiring. We need a new plan.

No shit, Sis. But what's the
plan? What? We need a confession.

What the hell are you doing? I'm
spying. I'm spying on everybody.

And I got good news. I
know the killer is Mac.

I got hard evidence. I got
a confession from his mother.

Holy shit, Dee. You know what?
I just realized something. What?

I know who the killer is.
You do?

Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dee,
the real serial killer is Mac.

That's what I just said.

How did we not see it
earlier? I don't know.

Whatever! I got a plan.

We gotta set a trap. We're
gonna get a confession.

But first, we gotta
lure him in on the phone.

Hold that thought, Frank.
I just came up with a plan.

Uhhuh. We need to set a trap
and get a confession from him.

Ooh, but first, we gotta
lure him in on the phone. Yes!

Are you shitting me? Now,
Dee, can you do a girl's voice?

Well, this was fun. Right?
Mm-hmm.

Now I'm gonna go. Uh,
same time tomorrow?

Well, maybe we could
go out or something.

You know, to a restaurant.
Or... Or to your bar.

Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah,
that's not gonna work.

I'm getting tired of this. I feel like you're
afraid that people will see us together.

No. I don't care if
people see us together.

I just don't want them to think
that we're dating. We are dating!

I don't think it's too much to ask for you to
keep this quiet, considering your condition.

Look, it's not like I'm ashamed
of you. I'm ashamed of myself.

Well, it's over. I don't know
what happened, man, but it's over.

What's over? Did you go back?
Of course I went back, Charlie.

Damn it, Mac. I told you not to go back.
You're digging me a pretty big hole here!

It doesn't matter, because she
won't talk to me anymore, dude.

Well, that's very interesting. She
talks... When did you start hearing voices?

That could actually help us.

What's the I. D? Private.
Should I answer it?

Yeah. I'll allow it.
Go, go, go. Uh, hello?

Uh, okay. Uh, could
you hold on one second?

Some chick named Sandy. She said
we met at the bar the other night.

Speakerphone. Can you do it on
speakerphone for this? Yeah. Okay.

Hey, Sandy.
Uh, what's crackin'?

This is Mac, right?

Good-looking guy, great
sense of humor, really bulky?

Uh, more ripped.
Strike that.

Jacked.
Irrelevant.

Toned.
Exaggeration.

I work out.
I'll allow it.

Okay. Yeah, that's me.
Listen. I was thinking...

maybe you should come
over to my place tonight.

There's no one here.
I'm all alone.

Could you come take care
of me? I'll allow it.

Uh, yeah. Yeah,
I can take care of you.

Great. Then I'll see
you at my place. Great.

I'll see you tonight.
I'll allow it.

We got him.

Let's get the video camera and get the
hell outta here. Where are we going?

To catch a predator.

Whose apartment is
this? My friend Gary's.

Gary the hardware store guy?
Yeah. He's, like, never here.

Why do you have his keys?

'Cause he asked me to water his
plants when he's out of town.

All of his plants are
dead. Well, I don't do it.

I'm gonna go oil my chain saw.
What?

Frank, we don't need the chain
saw. Is that what's in that bag?

Oh, we do. Because drawing
a confession out of someone...

is like doing a beautiful dance...

a beautiful dance
with a chain saw.

He makes less and less sense as the
days go by. I don't get it at all.

All right, let's set up.
Yep.

Gettin' laid tonight.
"Come on in. I am horny. "

Giddyap. Hello?

Sandy?
Hey, come on in.

Have a seat.
I made you some cookies.

I'm just in here
changing into my bikini.

Really? Can I come back?
Uhuh.

Oh. Got the wine coolers.

Yummy. Did you bring
any condoms?

Ooh, not really into the
whole condom thing. So...

Hello, Mac. How are you?

What are you doing, dude?

Why don't you have a seat, enjoy
a cookie, have some iced tea.

Okay.
Who are you here to see?

My friend Sandy.
Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh?

Is Sandy a young,
attractive, blonde girl?

I have no idea. Uh, Sandy. Why
don't you come out here, please?

Oh. Why hello, Mac.

Not so young and
attractive, is she? What?

Must be a big disappointment.
What is going on here?

What were you planning on doing
to Sandy? What do you think, dude?

Well, according to this
phone transcript, Mac...

you were going to
"take care of her"?

Yeah. Take care of her. The Human
Anatomy. How about a little light reading?

What are you doing with my book?
You know where I got it, Mac.

Tie him up!
Come on, Frank.

Tie me up? Jesus Christ!
Get the camera away from me!

Before you go, I should tell you I'm...

I'm sorry, Mac. You can't keep running from
this thing. You gotta face this head on!

I'm gonna get you off this. Don't
be afraid to show me your ugly side.

All right. Put that away, Frank.
You don't need a chain saw.

You're talking to an innocent man.

All right, Mac. I'm gonna ask you
now 'cause I'm tired and hungry.

I want to go home. I want to wash
my hands of this whole stinking mess.

Did you or did you not snap into an
alternate and distinct personality...

causing you to go on a
serial killing rampage?

What? No.
What? Yes, you did.

You... All right, Mac. You're
crazy, right? You're a crazy person.

Sometimes you're two people. Let's
see the other guy. Let him out.

Let who out?
The serial killer, Mac!

Let the serial killer out!
I'm not a serial killer!

Then why all the shady behavior?
I've been banging the tranny!

I didn't want you guys to find
out. No. You're trying to...

What?
Ew.

Oh.
I don't even know how that works.

It's complicated. There's
a lot... She tapes it back.

Oh, really? Come on,
man. Oh, my God, man.

I've been reading up
and... Wait, wait, wait.

Dude, wait. So you're
not the serial killer?

No. I just won this case.
That means you're a free man.

You're not a serial killer. See,
when I came in... And I was doing...

You guys don't even get it,
do you? I'm gonna get a beer.

Dee, do you think this guy's
got any beer in his fridge?

No. There's a bunch of
severed heads in there. What?

There's about 15 severed
heads in there, I'd say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's heads in there.

There's a lot of heads in
there. A shitload of heads.

We're in the killer's apartment?
Yes!

Neighbor Gary?
Gary.

Oh, my God.
I don't know who Gary is.

Wait. Shh, shh, shh.

I think I hear keys.

What are you people
doing in my apartment?