It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person - full transcript

Dee's bringing another boyfriend?

She won't shut up about this
one. He's a local rapper.

He's like some hotshot
rapper. What's his name?

Lil' Jeff. Lil' Joe. It's was,
like, Jonathan, Little Michael.

Lil' Kev?
Little... Lil' Kev.

Shit. I've heard about
him. He's a local celebrity.

He's supposed to be the
next Eminem. What is he?

Like a small guy or little
guy? No, probably not.

I think it's just a rapper thing.
Lil' Kim. Yeah, it's like...

You never know though. He could have, like,
a little hand or a little foot or something.

I doubt he'd want to call attention
to that by calling himself Lil' Kev.

That could be his thing.
Biggie Smalls was fat.

Yeah. He was big and small.
You know, and, like... Right.

I guess his head was
small, but his body was big.

So this guy could have, like,
a little hand and a giant body.

What's up, hos? I'd like
you to meet somebody.

Kevin, these are the clowns I work with.

Oh, this your crew, baby?
Mm-hmm.

Girl, you silly. They ain't
no clowns. What up, fellas?

What's up, man? Hey,
man. How's it going?

I gots to get back to the studio, but
I'll holler at you later, okay, pooh bear?

Mm-hmm.
Yo, later, fellas.

See ya, man.
Yeah.

Boom. Yep, you're seein' it.

Hey, Dee, does that guy have,
like, a... like, a little hand?

Charlie, I was gonna
say his foot looks small.

Nah. Well, dude, it's possible.

The shoes were the same
size, but his hand was like...

He doesn't have a little
hand or a little foot.

Wait. Did that guy go
to Waldron? I don't know.

Is his name Kevin Gallagher?
Yes.

Holy shit. No, that guy's
retarded. Well, you're retarded.

No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm
saying he is an actual retarded person.

We went to elementary school together.

He used to take classes in a trailer
outside school. He rode the short bus.

Whatever. You think I wouldn't know
if the guy I'm dating is retarded?

There is no way I am
dating a retarded person.

But he's so tough and
popular and famous.

I mean, he's a successful musician.

Jesus, sweetie. The
guy might be retarded.

Yeah, but he might not be.
Plus, he gives me things.

Did you guys see this necklace?
It's got diamonds in it.

L I gotta think about this.

Come take a look at my elementary
school yearbook sometime, Dee.

He's retarded. Uh, guys,
I'm getting an idea.

Charlie, follow me on this
one for a second. Okay.

Retarded or not... I mean, clearly
there's something off about that guy.

Oh, no. That guy's very messed up.

Yeah. No, he's... I'm saying
he's retarded. Yeah, whatever.

But he's an up-and-coming
musician. I mean, he's, like...

really building a
following in this city.

He's like the next Eminem.
Right. He's supposed to be big.

Okay. So, if he can do it,
why can't we?

I can't argue that logic, man. What are you
suggesting? I'm thinking we start a band.

Holy shit. Yeah!

Yeah?

We're in a band!
Yeah! Let's do it!

I've always wanted to be a rock god.
If he's getting chicks... Ooh! Ooh, ooh.

Why are you "ooh, oohing" me?
Why are you... You're not in it.

Why am I not in it?
I have a great voice.

You do have a great voice.
You have an excellent voice.

But the problem is you're into all
that early '80s glam rock fem shit...

and it's just not the artistic
direction I want to take the band in.

Artistic direction? You guys
don't even play instruments.

Well, no... Okay, well,
that doesn't matter, does it?

Because it's all about rocking
and looking cool and kicking ass.

Yeah, I think he's right. It's
all about image and marketing.

I mean, there's no bands out
there with any musical ability.

Frank, I like the way you
think. You're in the band.

Oh!

Wow. Dude, don't overreact
about it, man. See you, buddy.

Frank, get out that checkbook.
You're gonna buy us some instruments.

Yeah, brother.
That's a hot guitar.

You got, uh, graphite reinforced
neck, 35 inch scale, two humbuckers.

Yeah, guy, move over six inches.

Oh, yeah.

Um, yeah, so I was saying...
Yeah, that's it. Shut up.

Soak it in.

Uh, so I was saying, uh, graphite
reinforced neck... Boom. Yeah.

35 inch scale...
Shh. That's the one.

Check this thing out, man.
It's like a weapon. Cool, bro.

Holy shit. Where did you
learn how to play like that?

Oh, man, keyboards just make sense
to me, man. I get 'em, you know?

Charlie, you're amazing. Hey, man,
you're gonna be our ace in the hole.

You know what though? Can I talk
to you for a second about this?

Sure. Any way that I can be
in the back of the stage...

or, like, behind some
kind of curtain? Why?

Well, can I bare my soul to you
for a second, man? Of course, buddy.

This is huge for me. I've
always wanted to do this. Mm-hmm.

It's, like, this is a big deal.
I've just always been afraid...

that people are gonna boo
me or they're gonna hate me.

It's why I've never pursued my dreams,
man. So, I mean, if that happens...

it's gonna crush me, I'm gonna crumble,
I'm gonna fall to pieces, I'm gonna scream.

You're not listening to what
I'm saying, are you? Totally.

Dude, I think we should do,
like, a Sex Pistols thing, right?

Where I'm Sid Vicious
and you're Johnny Rotten.

No, no. I'm Simon and you're Garfunkel,
if anything. No. You're Axl. I'm Slash.

No. I'm Holland Oates.
You're, like, Peter Gabriel.

Hall and Oates is
two separate people.

No. Holland is his first name
and Oates is his last name, dude.

Whatever, dude.
I just wanna kick ass.

Hey. You with that bald guy?
Yeah.

Yeah, well, get him out of
here, or I'm calling the cops.

I'm taking these.

There he is. Good old Special
K. He is drooling on himself.

Well, so what? He's, like,
seven in this yearbook.

Okay, if I'm gonna break up
with this guy, I need some proof.

Well, look, Dee, you're free
to date whoever you want, okay?

I just think you should know whether or
not you're gold-digging a retarded guy.

Okay, number one, I'm not gold-digging
anybody, okay? I really like this guy.

And second of all, this doesn't prove
that he's retarded. You want proof?

I want proof. When are
you seeing him next?

I'm picking him up in, like,
an hour. You're picking him up?

He doesn't drive. Ooh.
Uh, that's funny...

'cause people who
aren't retarded usually drive.

Retarded one.
Normal zero.

Not bad, Dennis. Nice neighborhood.
Owns his own house. Three stories.

Looks like it's
retarded one, normal one.

Yes? Oh, hi. I think we
have the wrong address.

Are you Dee?
Yeah. Who are you?

I'm Kevin's mom.
Come on in.

Oh, lives with his mom. I think
I'll be taking that point back.

Kevin's in his room.
Go on up if you like.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Gallagher. You
must be very, very proud of your son.

I mean, he has overcome some
pretty difficult odds. Yes, he has.

Well, you're talking about
the rapping. Excuse me?

Those odds you're referring to, you're
talking about his rapping career.

I guess.
Mrs. Gallagher...

would you describe your
son as a "special" guy?

No, you can't do that. Why
can't I do that? What's wrong...

Because he's her son.
Of course he's special.

That's an easy yes. You think
he's special, right? Well, yes.

Yeah, that means nothing to me. That means
a whole lot. Retarded three, normal zero.

Hold on. Hang on. How come you
got that point? That was my point.

What... That was my point.
Retarded two, normal one.

She practically came out and told us he
was retarded. Retarded four, normal zero.

Whoa! Hold on a second. Where'd four
come from? It's definitely not four.

Let's see. There's the driving,
the drooling in the yearbook...

the overcoming the odds, the living
with the mom and now the special thing.

You know what? It's not
four. It's five. Yeah?

Are you the point king? You pick up points
left and right? It's retarded three, normal one.

Oh, come on. There's so much
more retarded stuff that...

What's up?

Hey!
Oh, you brought your crew, baby.

This is my brother, Dennis,
and he's gonna give us a ride.

Oh, snap! What up, son?
Hey.

I didn't know we were doing all that.

Yo, I gotta grab a couple of
things. Be ready to "rizzoll. "

Man, that's retard strength if I've
ever seen it. You know what I mean?

Shut your mouth.

Go!

Go! Go!

All right, stop! Stop!
Why are you not singing?

Well, uh, it doesn't sound very good.

Well, then huff some glue, bro.
Oh, I've been huffing glue, guys.

Then growl into the microphone,
Charlie. No. This is...

I don't even wanna growl.
I'm not a growler. Wait.

Band meeting! Band meeting! Yeah, band
meeting! We need to have a band meeting!

Hold on a minute! We're sittin' around
here practicin' like a bunch of pansies!

We should be out gettin'
wasted and breakin' shit!

Frank's absolutely right. How can we be rock
stars if we're not living like rock stars?

Well, okay. If we live like
rock stars, the music will come!

Okay. Okay. Okay. The
music will come, Charlie!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa! Stop, dude!

What are you doing? That's my
good chair. That's your good chair?

Yeah.
It's covered in bird shit.

No.
That's toothpaste, man.

That's clearly bird shit.
No, it's not. It's toothpaste.

Do you even own a toothbrush?
I, uh...

Look, don't break my chair.
Oh, my God!

No! Wait, wait, wait. Wait
a minute. Charlie is right.

We should not be breaking
our own shit.

We should be out there breaking other
people's shit. That's rock and roll.

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!
You feeling better, Charlie? Whoo!

Yeah! Whoo!

Keep smashing things,
guys! It's a ripple effect!

Hey, how'd you guys get a hotel room
without putting a credit card down?

We did use a credit card, man.
I took it out of your wallet.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

My credit card number's
down at the desk? Yeah.

You mean we're smashing up a hotel room
with my credit card down at the desk!

Why-Why-Why would you do that?

Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room
without putting down a credit card, Frank.

What year do you think it is?

Well, we gotta put this stuff
back together again. What?

Get the glue. Charlie, you gotta get the
glue. What? Glue is for huffing, dude.

Get me the glue! Get me the
glue! It's a part of his process.

This is not rock and roll!

Oh, this shit is funny!
You like this movie?

Your shirt's on backwards.
What?

Oh, snap! It is.

Oh, look!

We need to break up.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

Hey. Where's your suit?

I'm not wearing the suit, Frank, because
it's lame, and you look like a pussy.

That-That defeats the whole purpose. I
mean, the idea is to trick the moms...

into letting the kids bop with us.

It's not the '50s anymore, Frank.
The kids aren't bopping anymore.

They're banging each other and doing
meth before they hit grade school.

Well, can I at least pick the
name of the band? What do you got?

The Pecan Sandies.

Isn't that a cookie? Yeah, it's a
cookie, but it's got another meaning.

What's the other meaning?
What?

Other than a cookie,
what's the other meaning?

It's a, you know... It's
a... It's a sexual meaning.

No, we are not the Pecan Sandies,
all right? We are Chemical Toilet.

Because chicks want guys that wear tight
pants and tattered clothing and spit blood...

not guys dressed like waiters who
name themselves after desserts.

We are Chemical Toilet.
Charlie! Porta-potty.

Hey, how's that song coming? Yeah,
I'll be out in a second, all right?

And, Frank, who the hell is this guy?

Ah, that's Ernie. He works for
beer. He looks a little tangled up.

Does he know anything about hooking
up that electrical equipment?

No.
Okay, okay. I'm ready to rock.

And who are you supposed
to be? Bob Dylan, man.

Jesus Christ. We are all over
the place. Check this out.

Is this a page from a coloring book?

No, dude. That's "Night
Man. " Those are lyrics.

Whatever. Let's just
rock. "Night Man," baby.

Okay, this is what I'm talking
about. Let's rock and roll!

Yeeha!
All right.

Where's my curtain? Don't worry about
the curtain. You're not gonna need it.

I want a curtain blocking
my face. You don't need it.

Go on. Go have a beer, Ernie.
Okay.

All right. Ready?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Night Man
sneaky and mean

Spider inside my dreams
I think I love you

You make me wanna cry
You make me wanna die

I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you, Night Man

Every night you come into
my room and pin me down

With your strong arms
You pin me down

And I try to fight you You
come inside me, You fill me up

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And I become the Night Man

Charlie, Charlie. Whoa,
Charlie, hold on a second.

The first half of that song was kinda
cool, but what's with the second half?

It's about the Night Man, like,
filling me up, and I become him.

I become the spirit
of the Night Man.

It sounds like a song where a man
breaks into your house and rapes you.

What, dude? Where are you
getting that from? All right. No.

It's just two men
sharing the night

It might seem wrong
but it's just right

It's just two men
sharing each other

It's just two men
like lovin' brothers

One on top and one on bottom

One inside and one is out

One is screamin'
He's so happy

The other's screamin'
a passionate shout

It's the Night Man They're
feeling so wrong and right, man

They're feeling so wrong and right, man

I can't fight you, man
when you come inside me

And pin me down
with your strong hands

And I become the Night

The passionate
passionate Night Man

We need a new front man. Right. You
want someone with a good voice...

Yes.
Who's attractive...

Yes.
Someone with charisma.

Yes. Well, I've got an
awful lot of reading to do.

Do you wanna be in
the band or not, dude?

Can I wear spandex?
I'd rather you didn't.

I think I'm gonna wear spandex.

Are you ready?
Yeah. Let me see it.

What if I did something
like this? Ready? Let me see.

I give a kick, but then I'm gonna stomp
down. A kick is good, stomp is good.

You know what mean? Like...

That's good. Every time I
stomp, you do that. That's good.

Oh, man. Really?

Come on, dude. What's with
the sash and the codpiece?

Don't be afraid of a
little sex appeal, Mac.

You look like a drag queen.
I look like a rock god.

All right, here's the song.

What the hell is this, a
page from a coloring book?

It's a song Charlie wrote. It's called "Night
Man. " Skip the raping parts and get on stage.

Very well. Well, I just
broke up with Kevin.

We're trying to practice. I can't
do it. I can't get it out of my head.

I don't know if he's retarded,
but I can't stop thinking about it.

Dee, we're trying to
have band practice here.

I was gonna ride this guy to
the top. You know what I mean?

He was gonna put me in
one of his rap videos.

Look, the guy's not retarded, okay?

What? Yeah. I was just
saying that to mess with you.

Why? Why would you do
something like that?

I thought it'd be funny.
It's not funny.

It's not funny at all. This guy's perfect for
me, and you've blown it and ruined everything.

You are a bad, bad person.

Ew.
All right. Ready, guys?

So, that guy's not retarded?

Oh, no, he's totally retarded.

All right, let's rock.
Five, six, seven, eight.

They took you, Night Man
and you don't belong to them

They locked me in
a world of darkness

Without your sexy hands

And I miss you, Night Man
so bad

Stupid, can't write...

Charlie?
Oh, oh.

Let's join forces.
Hello! Come right in.

I will.
What happened to your band?

Kicked me out. Well,
it hurts, doesn't it?

Hmm. What's with the, uh, curtains?

I'm living in a world of darkness.

Right. Let's get some light in here.

Whoa. What's with
the spray paint, man?

Uh... What's with your outfit, man?

Why don't we put the
curtains back up? No, no.

What is going on up here?

I never know, man.

Daylight.

Yeah, I like that.

Day... Day Man
Day Man.

Fighter of the Night Man

Champion of the

Sun
Sun

You're a master of karate

And friendship for everyone

Day Man That's it!
Day Man, ah, ah, ahh

Fighter of the Night Man
Ah, ah, ahh

Champion of the sun
Ah, ah

Do you want some?
No.

You're a master of karate
and friendship for everyone

Day Man
Day Man, Ah, ah, ahh

Nice. We'll get the... Fighter
of the Night Man, Ah, ah, ahh

Champion of the sun

Ladies and gentlemen, we
are Electric Dream Machine.

Prepare to experience sexual magic.

Day Man
Ah, ah, ahh

Fighter of the Night Man
Ah, ah, ahh

Champion of the sun
Gay!

Ah, ah, ahh
You're a master of karate

And friendship for everyone

Get off the stage!
Day Man

Come on.
All right, rock it.

Day Man

Ah, ah, ahh
Come on! Come on!

Come on. Dance... Of the
Night Man Why are you booing?

No! It's good! Why
are you... Ah, ah, ahh

Screw you guys.
Goddamn it, Charlie.

I'm so glad we worked out.

I'm sorry I was
all wishy-washy before.

Yeah, girl. You was more
mixed-up than a milk shake.

I know. It's my brother's fault
though. You're not gonna believe this.

He tried to convince me that
you were retarded. Uh, what?

Yo, what? That's bananas, girl.
I know.

You're not retarded, are you?

All right, Paddy's! You ready to rock?

Yeah! No? Yeah!

What up, Paddy's? Make some noise!

Get off. Get off the stage, idiot.
Come on, idiot. Come on. Let's go.

Come on.
Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bust
a little freestyle for you.

This one's for my girl, Dee. This
one's for you, baby. Word! Yo!

Let me tell y'all a
story 'bout a girl I knew

A brokeass bitch
with a gayass crew

She said that I was cute
She said that I was funny

But the honey couldn't
stop lookin' at my money

Busted old lady
with a flat tiny ass

Her body like a
skeleton in science class

Face beat up by the
school of hard knocks

Hair so fried and bleached by Clorox

It's like she's skinny but
fat in all the wrong places

Mothers gotta cover
their babies' faces

When she walks by people
think she's Godzilla

Straight out of Compton No,
y'all, straight outta "Thriller"

Looking like a zombie
Walking like a chicken

Mouth full of shit That's
why her breath be stinkin'

Just one question, Dee
before you take your bow

This gravy train's leavin'
so who's retarded now

Hey. Ladies.

Later, bitch.

I don't think he's retarded.
Mmmmm.

Hmm.