It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender - full transcript

6:57, 6:58, 6:59. Seven
minutes. Keep going, buddy.

Frank, you seeing this? I'm working
on the chicken parts over here.

Forget the chicken parts. Charlie is
about to shatter the world record...

for holding his breath...
he's up to seven minutes.

Take the buns off the radiator. Forget the
buns. We are gonna be world famous after this.

Charlie, how you doing?
I gotta breathe, man.

No, Charlie, don't breathe! One
more minute! Buns are gonna burn!

Don't do that!
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Come on! Are you breathing?
Of course I'm breathing!

Well, you ruined it. We could have
been famous. We could have been famous.

Come in!
Hi. I... Oh, I'm, uh...

What do you want, lady?
Ow!

Uh, my name is Betty Canuso,
and I don't know if you heard...

but a week ago, Eastern State Correctional
Facility was forced to release...

25% of its inmates
due to overcrowding.

Eastern State? That's where my dad is. Maybe
they let my dad out. Did they let my dad out?

How would I know that?

Listen, I'm here because of a man named
Wendell Albright, a registered sex offender.

He's moved into this neighborhood.
Yeah.

I'm hoping by raising awareness we can
force him out of the neighborhood...

and away from our children, you know,
once and for all. It's going on and on.

Is there something that you need from us?
Because we're in the middle of something.

Please post these
flyers anywhere you can.

Okay, okay, okay.
Yes, yes, yes.

All right. Okay. Thank
you for your time.

Out. Get out. Get out.
Some people have no sense...

of my personal boundaries and
property. Let's set the shit up again.

Holy shit!
What?

This dude looks just like Dennis.

I do not look like this guy.

Are you serious, dude? What
are you guys talking about?

He's, like, 40 years old. Oh, my God.
Look at his jaw. Look at his jawline.

His jaw is exactly where I don't look
like him. His jaw is fat and it's...

Go, like, this far back. I never go that
far back. When I do, it doesn't do that.

I give you six to eight months before
you start looking exactly like that guy.

That's crazy, man.
There's no resemblance...

Hello. Dad. They did
let you out. Oh, my God.

Don't touch me. Right. That's how it
goes. Hey, hey, come meet my friends.

Guys, this is my dad.
Well, Charlie you know.

Hey, hey, man.
Hey, by the way...

real sorry about that whole heroin
incident in the butt, but here's the deal.

I had my butt filled like a Christmas
stocking, and I wanted to come...

I got a little nervous,
everything came flushing out of me.

Wendell "Shorteyes. "
They let you out too, huh?

What? No, I'm not Wendell
"Shorteyes. " Didn't I stab you once?

No, you never stabbed... Look, I'm not
Wendell, okay? I'm not a sexual child molester.

I'm Dennis Reynolds. I'm
handsome and chiseled and...

Now you got me thinking. I
gotta go look in a mirror.

Dad, what are you gonna do now
that you're out? I need a job.

Well, tell you what. I just got an
idea. Bouncer. Welcome aboard, buddy.

Right.
Good thinking.

Can I talk to you for
a second, you guys?

Oh, yeah. Dude, Dee, that
guy really likes your hair.

Yeah, he does. This is a very
bad plan. What? Which one?

This man should not work
here. Why are you attacking us?

This guy looks like he wants to eat me.
Has he ever eaten anybody that you know of?

I don't think so.

No. But it'd be pretty cool if
he did. Yeah, that is really cool.

Think about the dedication you got
to put into eating a human body.

If he's got that kind of
commitment, imagine what...

Son, where's the telephone?
Do you have plans, Dad?

'Cause I was thinking we could do some
father-son stuff. Have a catch. Talk.

No, I'm not gonna do that.
But I'll tell you what.

Here's a list of, uh, all the people I, uh,
promised to visit after I got out of prison.

Maybe you can drive me around, help
me take care of a few of 'em, hmm?

Take care of a few of 'em?
Okay, that sounds cool.

You got a car? No. Dennis does,
but he won't give me the keys.

That won't be a problem.

I do not want Mac's
dad working at our bar.

I was looking in the mirror, and I gotta
tell you, looks pretty good in here.

Jawline looks good... Are you listening
to me? I don't want to get eaten.

Eaten? He eats people? That's
awesome. That's not awesome.

Why do you guys think that eating
people is awesome? It just is.

Asshole!
What? Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw that. Listen,
I need your help, okay?

You're part owner of the bar, and you're
probably the only person that Mac listens to...

and I need you talk to him... Dee, you're
blowing this completely out of proportion.

Mac's dad probably hasn't seen
a woman in a very long time.

And as soon as he comes across
one that's actually attractive...

he's gonna forget all about you, just like
every other man does. Why do you do that?

Pervert!
Dickhead!

Pervert? Dickhead? Why are people
yelling at me in the streets, Dee?

Could have something
to do with that.

What?

That's gonna be a problem for me.

Take the TV too. Frank! What
the hell's going on in here, man?

I'm leaving. It's been great, but I got
to get something more out of my life.

Well, why are you taking all my shit?

Well, it was really hard to tell whose was
whose, so I just decided to take everything.

You don't ever use this.
I use that all the time.

It's like the only thing I use. All
right, slow down, Frank. Slow down.

What the hell's this all about?

Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman
to cook for me and clean up after me...

and somebody who'll do
everything I say.

That's just a maid.
You want a maid? Yeah.

That's right. A maid.
A maid I can bang.

Well, what the hell,
man? I mean... What?

I thought we had a pretty sweet
thing going on here. Am I wrong?

We had a good deal going on. We hung out.
We... Breakin' records, eatin' chicken scraps.

I know you're gonna
miss me. Don't hug me!

Get... Get out of my apartment. Dude,
I don't need you. No, wait, wait.

You know what, dude? Before
you go, remember one thing.

We had about the sweetest life that two men can
have together, and you're walking out on that.

Charlie, you're gonna have
to deal with it. You know why?

Because I need that bang maid.

All right. But you're not gonna do
very well out there without this guy.

'Cause I may not be much, Frank, but, uh, I
think you'll find that I'm a pretty sweet deal...

once you're out there on your
own, and I'll tell you what else.

You're not gonna find a bang
maid, 'cause there's no such thing.

I already did.
Your mom. Goodbye.

Okay, let's go.

It's been about 30 minutes, Dad.
What were you doing up there?

Hmm? Oh, just, uh, keeping up
with my, uh, correspondence.

Oh, that sounds nice.
How'd it go?

Well, there was a bit
of a struggle, but, uh...

it turned out just fine.
Oh, good.

Good. So, um... Hey, I was thinking
we could hang out, you know.

I was thinking we could
go on a double date.

Go onto Match. Com, find us a couple
of hot ladies. What do you think?

No.
No. Okay. Ooh!

We could go on a road trip. Hey, Dad,
let's go to Cooperstown, New York.

I have always wanted to go to the
Baseball Hall of Fame with my dad.

Do you want to do that
with me, Dad? Start the car.

Okay.

I'll start the car. That's fine.
Um, just school me again here.

Is it the yellow one to the black
one, or is there orange involved?

Red.
Red. Just red.

There we go. Teamwork, right?
A little father-son teamwork.

Okay, here we go.
Put on your seat belt.

Or don't. Here we go.

It looks great.
Stop fiddling with it.

I know it looks great. I just
want to make sure the glue holds.

Remember, this is a twofold operation. We want
to prove that you're not Wendell Albright...

but prove that you are
a good guy. Good guy?

Check. That comes naturally
for me. Great. Now step one.

This guy's a little paunchy, right?
You're not. You got a great body.

But how are we supposed to see that with this
billowy shirt you got on? Pop that thing off.

Whoa. Wait a second, Dee. I can't just pop my
shirt off in the middle of a park. You crazy?

I feel like you're
not using your head.

What better way to differentiate you from this
fatty than by showing off this amazing body?

There is an amazing body under this shirt.
I'm gonna pop the shirt off. I need to show it.

This is what I'm thinking. You go over there
and put on a fitness clinic for these kids.

Show that you care about
their physical body.

I care about the kids. I would never
hurt the kids, but I care about them.

Absolutely. I'm gonna
go do that right now.

Take a lap.
Work those monkey bars.

Hey, fellas. Hi, there.

I am working with a program that
assimilates convicted child molesters...

right back into your neighborhood.

Kids, how you doing today? It's
a beautiful, sunny day, isn't it?

Here, gather around for a second. I want
to talk to you kids about physical fitness.

Now we're not responsible for making
sure these people are rehabilitated...

but this guy's done his time and he
deserves a second chance, don't you think?

That's him right over
there talking to your kids.

Yeah. Nice and high over that
bar so you can work those muscles.

'Cause you want your muscles to pop, you
understand? You see how these pecs, they're popping?

Take a real close look at this body.
This body is chiseled. This body is...

You guys have a great day. Some
people In society aren't very muscular.

You should notice the difference.

Let me show you another hamstring
stretch. This is a real good one.

You're gonna make your legs
into a "V." Just like that.

You're gonna put your hands together
and stretch out nice and low.

Don't be afraid to stick your ass out.
That's not embarrassing. It's a good thing.

Get those hamstrings nice and
loose. That's a real... Hey, pervert.

Oh, shit.

A dinner party?
I don't think so.

I'm telling you, Frank,
it's gonna be awesome.

Everybody's gonna be there.
My mom, my dad, Charlie.

No, Mac, I don't think I'm
ever gonna leave this place.

Nail clippings on command. Massages and
hand jobs being thrown around like hotcakes.

This is a party in your honor.

We are celebrating
your new relationship.

Can I bring my bang maid?

Of course, dude. You can
bring anybody you want.

Bonnie!
Oh, uh, yes, Frank?

Stop making lasagna.
We're goin' out tonight.

Oh. Okay, Frank.
She's in.

All right, I'll see you tonight
at 8:00. And the trap is set.

Sweet, bro.
What the hell are you doing?

Siphoning boxed wine.
Why?

Why? Bro, this is
the perfect plan, man.

Dude, if we get your dad drunk enough, he's
gonna be able to see past your mother's looks...

past her skin,
all that eczema and shit.

He's gonna fall in love with
her all over again, buddy.

Now my mom, she gets so belligerent
and mean when she's drunk, dude...

she's gonna drive Frank right
back into my arms. Into your arms?

Into my... Into my home.
Into my futon and my house...

I'm gonna have Frank back is
what I'm trying to say, dude.

Right. Where'd all
these jars come from?

I emptied out all the tomato sauce.
Hmm.

Seems to me like it'd be easier to
steal the box than jars of liquid.

No. No. The jars are...
It's easier... You empty...

Where were you 10 minutes ago when
I was coming up with this plan, man?

Okay, I helped you. In
fact, I'm still helping you.

I'm giving you ice for your
broken face, so you call Mac now.

What are you talking about?
You helped me get my ass kicked.

I'm starting to think
you did that on purpose.

What?
Yeah.

Oh, how dare you say it.
You call Mac right now.

No. I'm not calling Mac.
No. I'm not calling Mac...

because you're not helping me
with this molester situation.

I'm gonna call Mac's dad, tell him you're
available, that you were asking about him.

All right, fine. I'll help you. But
then right afterwards, you're helping me.

Yeah. Yeah.
Dick.

Oh, Mom, you're gonna
look so good for your date.

All right, here we go.

I think that should just about do it.

What do you think?

Can't see the TV.

Right. I was thinking maybe you could
lay off the TV, just for an hour...

Can't see the TV. Mac, can I
talk to you in here for a second?

Yeah. I'll-I'll be right
back, okay? Okay, what's up?

Do me a favor, 'cause I'm
really in the weeds here, bro.

I need you to take some of these spaghetti
sauce things with all the wine in them...

I need you to, like, empty
all... What are you talking about?

I am trying to set the right
mood in there. Are you kidding me?

I'm the only one in here! I'm the only
one cooking! Is that my problem, Charlie?

What if we have no ambience? Do you
have any idea what it takes to cook...

Do you want flat ambience?
Get out of my kitchen!

Jesus Christ, Charlie. Jesus
Christ. This is a disaster!

This disaster's on your hands, not mine,
okay? Whoa! Dad. When did you get here?

Shh. Right. Right.
Oh, uh, surprise, Mom.

Surprise! Yea! It's Dad. You guys haven't
seen each other in so long, huh? It's exciting.

Right.

Hey, Dad. Dad,
doesn't Mom look pretty?

No.
Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we
go. Our guests have arrived.

Oh, sorry. Almost,
uh, touched you again.

Okay, guys, you guys ready? Are you ready?
All right, you look ready. Let's do it.

It's all happening. Hello.
HI.

Welcome. Welcome.
Thank you.

You look good.
Thanks.

Can I take your coats?
Bonnie, coat.

Oh.
Sit.

Love you.
Mmm.

Damn, dude.
Harsh, right?

Yeah. I think so too. The woman
prefers to be treated like shit.

I ain't never seen
anything like it in my life.

Attention, everybody! Attention,
everyone! Your dinner is served.

Ohh!
Pipe down.

This is, uh, delicious, Charlie.

Why, thank you, Mac. It's
crap. Pure, unadulterated crap.

Uh, Mother, how's yours?

Um...

it's crap... pure,
unadulterated crap.

Well, I'm not surprised you're saying
that, considering I took a crap in yours.

No, he didn't. He's joking. He's joking.
Charlie did not crap into anybody's food, okay?

Mother, you might be wanting to have some more
of this turkey sangria, wash that crap down.

No. Bonnie.
She doesn't want any more.

Shut up, Frank. You don't know what she
wants any more than she knows what you want.

You know who knows what you want? I
do. I've always known what you want.

And I can give you want you want.
Just let me give you what you want.

I don't think so, Charlie. I don't
think so. Let's change the subject.

Dad. Dad, maybe you want to regale us
with a story from prison or my childhood?

Mmmmm.
Oh, my. You were in prison?

Yeah.

That's very interesting, Luther. Now that you
and my mother are opening a dialogue here...

I don't know if you've taken any time out
of your dinner to notice her ample breasts.

What?
Charlie.

The man's been in prison a long
time. He probably needs a woman.

What you may or may not have
known Is my mother happens to be...

one hell of a whore
of a man-stealing woman!

Charlie, that's just rude.
What are you doing, Charlie?

It's okay, because my dad already
has a woman, Frank. Uh, you have Mom.

She hates me. That's not
true. That's not true.

Mom, you don't hate
Dad, do you? Oh, yeah.

Damn it. Mother, I don't know
if you know this or not...

but Luther happens to be a
very successful drug dealer. Oh.

This might appeal to the whore in you.
He happens to have beautiful blue eyes...

that just pop right out of his head.

I don't blink. The man doesn't
blink, Mom. The man doesn't blink.

Stay away from my bang maid. Damn
it, Frank! This isn't about them...

Charlie... or Mac or anyone else...
this is about you and me, bro.

This is about dudes living together, hanging
out, sharing their bed and their life...

No. That's not what this is about!
Yes!

This is about people meeting back up
after many years and sparks flying...

and families getting back together and
raising little boys so they can be happy again!

Okay, happy boys! This
is about happy boys!

Bonnie, I'll call you sometime.

No!
Oh, that's it! That's it!

Ah, it's on! You've ruined
this, and I'll never forgive you.

We're out of here. I
will never forgive you.

Oh, come on.
You'll forgive me.

Mmm! And the seed is planted.

All right, listen, douche bag...

apparently people think we look
alike... personally, I don't see it.

Holy shit! No. Yeah, I see that. We got
the same eyes, same nose, same lips, same...

And the chin.
What are you doing?

That's what it is. It's all in here
is the same. Same jawline and chin...

But look at his whole neck parts.

Yeah, it's right in here.
Mm-hmm. It's all there.

What? Who are you here to
help? But look at his-his...

I have a chiseled, noble...
That's not the point.

The point is you got to leave so I
can live my life in peace. Listen, pal.

This is a pretty sweet situation I got going
here. You're out there looking like me...

taking all my heat while I'm in here
watching the Disney channel all day long.

Why the hell would I move?

We were afraid it might come to that.
Timmy, could you come out here for a second?

Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend
here the little courtroom speech we prepared.

I have a friend.
His name Is Wendell.

He showed me funny movies with
fully naked people in them.

He gives me juice boxes
that make me sleepy.

All right, I get it. He's
silly. He's a tickle monster.

Listen, kid,
I said I get it, okay?

He makes me taste things I don't
want to. He puts things in my heinie.

Goddamn it! Will you make
the kid stop, please? Come on.

I think that ought to do it. Yeah.
That's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?

Yeah, I'll leave.

Lady

When you're with me
I'm smiling

Give me

Whoaoaoa
All your love

So I say that went very well. Didn't
you think it went well? Shut up, Charlie.

Hey, hey, hey. I agree with
Charlie. I thought it was nice.

Hey, pull over. Pull over.
Here?

Yeah, yeah. What, do you have another
name on your correspondence list?

Yeah. Okay, you two, stay right here.

This one shouldn't take long.

Bro, can I talk to you
for one second? Yeah.

What the hell's up with that?
It's weird. I don't know.

This shiteating behavior. He's been
acting very weird about this list.

What's up with this correspondence
list? Who are these people?

Judge Hatcher. District Attorney
Andrews. Warden Phillips. What?

I think he's killing
those people. Charlie.

Holy shit! He's killing... He's
probably eating them too, dude.

And although I think eating people
is very cool, not if we're involved.

No, Charlie, he is not killing
anybody, okay? We're accomplices.

No, we are not. He told me these are people
from his past, and he's got to take care of them.

And once he takes care of them,
he's gonna take care of me.

Oh, my God!

Wait, that doesn't sound good. No, that
doesn't sound good at all for you, bro.

I'm on the list, of course,
and then... Uhoh. What?

Number 12.
What?

Charlie.
What?

Charlie.
Why am I on there?

I don't know. I don't belong
on there! That's bullshit!

You don't put a man
on a list! Rip it off!

You think he memorized it? Of course
he memorized it. That's pointless.

Okay, I... What's this
about? Why am I on the list?

Charlie...
It's the heroin thing.

Remember when he asked us to
put heroin in our butts... Yes.

And smuggle it into
prison and we didn't do it?

Now he's all hot and bothered 'cause we don't
give him heroin? We don't put it in our butts?

You don't do that! You don't eat someone
'cause they don't have heroin in their ass!

Let's get out of here.

Hold on! Calm down, Charlie!
Red to red! Red to red!

Are you sure it's red to red?
Am I sure it's red to red?

You hold this one! I'm
freakin' out! Red to red!

Red to red!
I can do it, right?

Lady
Let's go!

Of the morning

What can I do you for?
We need to talk.

What is going on in here?

Just laying low and
breaking world records.

Don't even think about breathing,
bitch. All right, so here's the deal.

Got rid of that child molester.
The sexual predator guy?

Yeah, he's gone. He's out of the
situation, so my problems are solved.

You had a thing too, right? Mac's
dad. I want your dad out of the bar.

Great. Me too.
Really?

I'm pretty sure he wants
to kill me, actually.

Why would your dad want to kill you?

Not sure. But we've been driving around
in your car. He's got this list of names.

He's been checking them off...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Walt a second.

You've been driving around in my car?

Uh, my dad made me steal it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dude.

That son of a bitch. He's a dangerous man,
and I don't want him in the bar anymore.

Okay.
Are you kidding me?

Dee, that's final! Don't argue
with me! Mac, call the police.

Goodbye. Goodbye.
Luther, I'll wait for you.

Oh. Okay, Mom. Mom, are
you okay? Are you okay?

Oh, Charlie, they're taking him away.

They're taking away my Luther. Mom, I
was... Mom! Mom, sorry. Can you listen to me?

Don't ever take Frank from me again!
He's mine now! I got him back, so...

What? Officer. Officer,
we know everything.

What are you talking about? We're the ones
that called you. That's my dad you're arresting.

He's been killing all the
people on this list. Oh, yeah.

We looked into all that already.
He wasn't killing those people.

In fact, everybody on that
list spoke very highly of him.

Spoke highly of him?
What?

Yeah. Apparently, he was making
amends with all the people he wronged.

Then if he hasn't been killing
anybody, why are you arresting him?

Because he violated his parole.

He's not supposed to leave the state and
we caught him buying three airline tickets.

To where?
Cooperstown, New York.

Said he was gonna take some guy
named Mac and some guy named Charlie.

Oh.
You guys have a good one, huh?

Yeah.
Oh, my God. Dad.

Dad! Dad, you did want to
take me to the Hall of Fame.

Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

It is a surprise. It's
a huge surprise, Dad.

And I wanted Charlie to know there were
no hard feelings about that whole...

you know, heroin thing.

Ohh.
Oh, my God, Dad.

I am so sorry for ratting
you out and turning you in.

You weren't gonna kill me. Of course
you weren't gonna kill me. I'm your son.

No, I wasn't gonna kill you.

But I'm going to now.

Huh?
Yeah.

As soon as I get out,
I'm gonna kill you.

See you, Son.

See you real soon.

Lady

Of the morning

Love shines

In your eyes

Sparkling

Clear and lovely

You're my lady

Lady

Turns me on when I'm lonely

Show me
Whoaoaoa