It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 2 - Frank Shoots Every Member of the Gang - full transcript

Frank, would you like
another buttered nipple?

No. The cream
is making me gassy.

- Yeah, well, you have had four of them.
- Yeah.

You know, we could order you

something that's a little bit
easier on the pipes.

- Yeah.
- You know, I know what you're doing.

This is your annual

"take me out and see
if you can talk me into

giving you more of my money."

- Oh, stop.
- Uh... Is he talking to us?

- Give me money.
- We would never.

And we just want you
to have a fun night.

Yeah.

Oh.

- Yeah, get that.
- What you working on there, bud?

I brought my own can
of anchovies

because the fish in this place
is not salty enough.

- Mm, that's...
- I agree.

- Got no taste.
- Yeah.

Yeah, no, I-I hear you.

It's, uh, it's not salty enough.

I want to point something out
here to you, Frank.

I think we do a pretty good job

of pretending like
you're not an animal.

Is that thing loaded,
by the way?

Nah, it's not loaded.

And get off my back,

huh?

- Hey. Absolutely.
- Yup.

You got it.

Got no intention to be

- riding on your back, pal.
- No.

We like you
just the way you are.

- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- And I think that, you know,

maybe, just possibly, that
entitles us to a little taste

- of your fortune after you die?
- Oh.

- You know what I mean? I-I...
- Oh.

I want to tell you something,

I am not intending on dying
anytime soon,

so don't waste your breath.

You know what? Screw this.

- Okay.
- I... Dee, I told you this was a mistake.

- No, I know, I know.
- I... You know what? I'm out

- of here.
- Couple of vultures

picking at my carcass.

- Uh-huh.
- You know, I am in the prime

- of my life.
- Yeah.

I mean, if you think
that you can...

You shot us!

- You shot us!
- I'm shot in the face!

You said there were no bullets!

Okay, so it was loaded.
My mistake.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

I just nicked you.

It's not like anybody's
in any real danger.

I'm saying don't shoot

the whole balloon down, right?
Like, you-you...

- you pull it down...
- Frank shot us.

He shot us in the face.
We barely survived.

Awesome!

- Wha...
- Uh, no, not awesome.

Oh, sorry.
You came in all excited.

I thought you were bragging.

I was picking up
on an excited energy, for sure.

Getting shot in the face
and surviving is pretty cool.

Yeah.

This is insane.

Listen, we got to get his gun
away from him, okay?

I-I don't even care
about the money anymore.

Oh, yeah, no, no, neither do I.

I don't give a shit
about the money.

I mean, the man is a maniac

and he's gonna wind up shooting
everyone in this bar.

Oh, yeah. I do care
about the money, though.

- Yeah, no, so do I. Absolutely.
- Yeah.

- It's the only thing I care about. Are you kidding me?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. You know
what I'm worried about?

I'm worried he's gonna
kill himself with that gun

before he gets
old and senile enough

to rewrite us into the will.

That's it. That's it.
We need him to live

long enough
so he can become fully demented.

- Mm-hmm.
- I know, but, guys,

I'm picking up, like,

a super stressed-out vibe
from you,

and it's really important
to remember, like,

you know,
money isn't everything.

Yeah, of course
you don't care, Charlie,

because your dad didn't have
anything to pass down to you.

No, that's true,
but my mom does. Yeah.

On my mom's family side, I got a
huge inheritance coming my way.

Wait, what?

H-How did I not know this?
You're gonna be rich?

Yeah. Totally. Yeah.

Well, uh,
rich in history and legacy

and, uh...
...teeth, of course.

Teeth?

Yeah. It's a pretty sweet deal,
actually, you know.

Everyone on my mom's side
of the family,

going back to the Niña
and the-the Pinta

and the, uh, Santa Margherita,

um, they've all been putting
their teeth into a jar

- when they die.
- Mm-hmm.

And, uh, when I turn 40,

that sweet little piece

of history's coming my way.

Just stop. Okay, Dee,

we need to get that gun
away from Frank.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

You don't do something
like that.

You know, because, like,
Frank's gun is a big piece

of who he is, right?

That's his legacy.
That's his history.

That's like, that's like
my jar of teeth, right?

I don't want that taken away
from me when I get old.

What are you talking about?

Charlie, I got some
bad news for you, bud.

What?

You turned 40 a long time ago.

Yo. Hey, Ma, how you doing?

- Hi, Mom.
- Oh, hi, boys.

- What brings you by?
- Yeah, uh,

hey, I want to show Mac
that jar of family teeth we got.

Oh.

- Y-You-you do?
- Yeah.

Hey, Ma, did you realize
I was over 40?

You are?

Yeah, turns out. Yeah, I figured
you probably forgot, too,

or something, but, um, yeah,

can I get that jar of teeth
now, please?

Oh, okay, I-I'll go
look for them.

Okay, yeah, good.
Go-go get my teeth, please.

Cool. Hey, Mom,

since we're here, um,

do we have any kind of, like,

family heirlooms or anything?

No.

Like, anything of value

that our family owned
at some point?

No.

Hm. Okay, what if it's just,
like, sentimental?

Just, like,
proof that we existed?

Nope.

Wait, what about those letters?

Weren't there
some kind of letters

that my grandfather
wrote to my dad

during World War II?

Yeah.

Those letters exist?
Well, well, who's got them?

Donald.

- Donald? Donald who?
- Oh...

Duck.

Yeah.

Donald... Donald Duck?
What's she talking about?

Yeah, my mom's making a joke.
She's-she's really funny.

She's got a great sense
of humor. Right, Mom?

Yeah.

Yeah. She's talking
about my Uncle Donald.

Huh. I didn't even know
you had an uncle Donald.

Yeah, yeah,
that's my dad's brother.

Donald McDonald?

Yeah.

Ronald McDonald.

Donald McDonald. Wow.

Your dad really scored with
the name Luther, I guess, huh?

Mom? What happened?

Oh, shit.

Did she try to pull out
her own teeth?

Did you just try to pull out
your own teeth?

- Mm-mm.
- She clearly did.

- I can see the pliers.
- We can see the pliers, Mom.

- Ah! Ugh!
- Oh!

- I'm so sorry.
- Mom.

Oh, my God. Why did you do that?

I didn't have the heart
to-to tell you,

I gave away the jar.

You gave away the jar of teeth?
To who?

Your sisters.

To my sisters?

Those ungrateful bitches.
What the hell, Mom?

They don't even live
in Philly anymore.

They moved all the way
up to northern New Jersey.

They're terrible to you.

I'm the one who stayed. I'm
the one who takes care of you.

How could you do that?

- Now she's screaming.
- This is crazy.

Now she's screaming.
Now she's screaming.

- Well, you yelled at her.
- Now Mom's screaming.

Now Mom's screaming.

Ah, I can't believe
you did this!

- Why are you yelling at her? I don't know...
- She gave it away to my sisters.

They're the worst people
on the planet.

I didn't even remember
that you had sisters.

All right. Okay, okay.

Look, we're just gonna have
to go and get them.

I think she's having
a stroke, dude.

We're just gonna have
to get in the car right now

- and go get them. Come on, man.
- We should go to the hospital.

Let's get in the car. Let's go.

Mrs. Mac, we're taking your car.
Mom, just calm down.

It's okay, okay? I'm not mad
at you. It's fine, okay?

- I love you.
- Breathe through your, breathe through your nose.

- I love you, too. I love you, too.
- This is fucking insane.

I made a mistake.

You did make a mistake.
You did make this... All right.

Christ, let's get her
cleaned up. All right.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Frank, um,

could you stop scratching
yourself with the gun, please?

- I'm itchy, I'm itchy.
- I-I bet.

Probably from rolling around
in the grass

outside of your apartment.

No, I was rolling around
in the grass

because I was itchy.

The itch came first.

Okay, well, why don't you
hand me the gun,

- and I'll scratch you with my fingers.
- Yeah.

I'm not gonna hand you my gun,

but I'll let you scratch.
You want to scratch me?

- Go on. Yeah.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Scratch me. See.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do it down by the neck.

- Frank, I... - The back of the
neck. The back of the neck.

Okay, but I just don't want
to get shot again, is all.

The gun's not loaded.

Yeah, that's what you said
last time, Frank.

I got to take a piss.

- Pull over.
- All right.

Okay.

Goddamn it.

This is not working.

Should we just attack him
and take it?

What? No.

He'd mow us down like Scarface.
We can't come at him like that.

- We'll spook him.
- Yeah.

You know what?
He needs to be lulled

into a false sense of security.

You don't tell a dog
you're taking him to a vet

to put him down.

Right.

You give that dog
the best day of his life,

and then you turn out the lights
when he least suspects it.

Okay.

Okay. Oh...

Ooh.

Ooh, that was a long wait.

Ooh!

Wow.

Why is your mom driving
my mom's car?

I don't know. Dude, they got
some weird arrangement

worked out so your mom
can focus on smoking.

Speaking of, I'm getting
choked to death back here.

Mrs. Mac, do you mind, like,
cracking a window or something?

No.

Why not? I mean, it's ridiculous
to just sit in the smoke.

'Cause it's too drafty.
It's unhealthy.

- Right.
- Unheal... What?

Sorry, my mom's on
a new health kick.

Hey, Mom, it's working.
You look great.

Shut up.

Can we, like speed up
or something?

Another car just passed us.
Mom, that's, like, the 50th car.

Why are you going so slow?

Well, highways are scary.

You're going 35.

- I can see you're going 35.
- But... And everybody's

just in such a hurry.

No, it's just the normal...

It's the speed that people go
on the highway.

Okay, maybe I should drive.
Mom, can I drive your car?

- Can Mac drive?
- No.

Ugh, this is my worst
nightmare, man.

This is absolutely terrible.
How much further?

Anyone know? Mac?

How much further? Mac?

Mac? Hello?

My mom's finger
is up, which means "no talking".

She's annoyed. It's best if we

just keep it down
until the finger goes down,

otherwise, she might burn us
with the cigarette lighter.

This is my worst nightmare

in my entire life.

Okay, finger's down. Um, great.

Uh, okay, Mrs. Kelly,
you're gonna want to stay

on the Jersey Turnpike
until you hit 287.

You want to take 287
towards Hamburg.

Mm, no. That...
No, you just stay on the 206

the whole way up.

No, no, we're gonna,

we're gonna hit Hamburg
on the way.

Why are we going to Hamburg?

We're gonna visit
my Uncle Donald.

- Donald McDonald of Hamburger, New Jersey?
- Hamburg.

A bunch of old letters that
weren't even written to you?

That's not a legacy, it's
a bunch of meaningless shit.

Not as meaningless as a jar
full of teeth.

- Ah! She got you. She got you.
- Sorry, Mom, sorry, Mom.

Sorry, Mom.
I didn't see the finger.

No, her hand was not
in the air that time.

- She burnt the shit out of me.
- You didn't even put your hand...

- Oh, it's up now, it's up now.
- Yeah.

Frank, we got a little
surprise for you, bud.

What's that?

Hamburgers.

Oh, hamburgers?

Oh, that's one
of the best food there is.

Yeah, yes, they really are.

And, you know what, you can eat
them right here in the car.

You know, once in a while,
they give me the runs.

Yeah, that's why we put
that towel down for you, buddy.

Mmm. Mmm!

Okay. All right.

- Mmm.
- You want to take it easy?

Goddamn. Just one bite
at a time,

or you're gonna barf everywhere.

- Mmm.
- Yeah, it's good, huh?

Yeah, really hammering them
down there, huh, bud?

Very good. Mmm.

Oh!

I almost ate my gun.

I dipped it in the ketchup.

Thought it was a french fry.

Yeah, that is funny.

Wow.

Hey, you know what?

I'm-I'm gonna pull over, Frank.

I got to take a piss anyway.

Again. Okay.

- Well, Frank...
- What?

Look where we are.

We're at the bridge.

Oh, I haven't been here
in forever.

- Go check it out... Oh!
- Oh! - Oh.

- Ooh.
- Did-did you just slam your head into the window?

Yeah, I didn't realize
it was up.

Well, were you gonna
dive out of it?

Yeah, I was very excited.
I want to go.

- All right.
- Go see the boys.

- Have fun, buddy.
- Go see the boys.

- Get after it.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Hey, we're almost there, Dee,
okay? He's getting tired.

Let's let run him around
the bridge for a little while,

- and then we have one more stop, okay?
- Uh...

Oh, he's pissing
on another hydrant.

Okay. He's...

literally turning into a dog.

Yeah.

I got to smash.

You just smashed. You smashed,
like, three times

on the way up here.
We keep having to pull over

- so you can smash. What...
- There is a lot of smashing.

She's very regular.

Oh, no, I'm out of paper towels.

Oh, I wouldn't worry
about that, Mrs. Kelly.

I'm sure my Uncle Donald
has toilet paper.

You've been wiping
with paper towels?

I hope everyone

brought their appetite

because I made quiche.

Aw, that's really nice,
Uncle Donald,

but we're kind of in a hurry.

W-Well, that's a shame.

We never get to see each other.

Yeah, that is a shame,

but I'm really here
about the letters.

You know, the letters that

Grandpop wrote to you and Dad
during the war.

Oh. Oh, yes, yes,
I-I-I have those letters.

Oh, that's great.

I was kind of hoping
they would pass down to me.

You know, sort of like
a family heirloom.

Well, that would make sense
because, well,

they weren't actually
written to me.

They were addressed
only, uh, to your dad.

Grandpop didn't write to you?

He-he liked your dad, uh, more.

Uh, you know, I was the, um,

you know, "funny" one, you know.

It's the reason
I never got married.

Not something we talked about
back then, but...

but i-it always made me feel,

uh, a little, uh...

different.

Well, I-I'm sure
you can understand

what that feels like, Ronald.

No.

So, the letters?

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah?

- Oh!
- Sure.

Okay.

Yeah, this is, uh,
this is great, Uncle Donald,

'cause it's really gonna tie

a lot of things together
for me, you know?

It's, uh... I have something
to pass down to my kids.

It's-it's important
to have a legacy.

Oh, yes. You know, I...

I wouldn't know, though.
I, you know, I...

I don't have
any children of my own.

Oh, yeah.

- What is this guy's deal?
- Oh, here they are.

It's, like,
everything you've ever wanted.

Kind of sad, really, uh,
me keeping letters

that, uh, weren't even for me.

You know. But, uh,

I guess I just, uh,
wanted a connection, uh...

...with my dad.

Yeah.

That is sad.

If I could just... Yeah.
Thank you.

I mean, you know,
there's nothing more...

more important in this world
than the connection

between a father and a son.

Well, besides the connection
between a son and a mother.

Right, Mom?

She's smashing.

- Yeah, she took off, man.
- Yeah, she had to smash.

Well, I guess we could wait
for her in the car.

This is so annoying.

I mean, you're gonna
take time out of my day,

and you have everything you've
ever dreamed of right here,

but we're gonna just blow
right past it, aren't we?

It's probably time to go, huh?

- Well, uh, o-okay.
- Yeah.

Okay, well-well, uh,
you know, hey,

if you ever want to, uh,
you know, hang out,

you know, we could throw
the old football around.

Ah, I don't really like
playing football.

It's kind of for jocks.

- It's all he ever talks about
- No, it's like...

Is wanting to have
a catch with his dad, so...

Nah, 'cause remember
we were talking about how

it was like a... for jocks?

- Uh, no. That never happened.
- Oh.

Uh, yeah, well, uh,
we could read.

- We could read.
- Oh, but, like, he can't read.

- Imagine that. Imagine that.
- He can't read, so...

Yeah, but he's not talking
about me, he's talking about

- bonding with you.
- Yeah, like...

But we're gonna
blow right past this, huh?

Reading is for nerds, so...

- Yeah, is that what it is?
- Yeah.

- Uh, cards?
- Uh, well,

the thing about cards
is, like, with the...

the jacks and the queens
and the kings and, like,

I don't like
celebrating royalty.

- You know, he-he knows that.
- Oh, my God, dude.

- Oh, my God, man.
- You know that. We've talked about that.

You're driving me crazy, dude.
All right, fine, let's go.

- Bye-bye.
- Okay, maybe you guys can swap phone numbers or...

- I think that would be weird.
- No? No, not gonna do it?

- That would be weird. Okay.
- Fine, then this was a good waste of our time, wasn't it?

- Well, there it is.
- The ocean.

- Yep.
- Mm.

Beautiful.
Probably brings back

a lot of good memories.

- Right, Frank?
- Absolutely.

- Yeah.
- You guys, uh, mind if I...

- Oh, no. Of course. No, please. Please. Yeah.
- Please. Yeah.

Take that you, cesspool.

Polluted sack of shit.

You know, Dee, I kind of feel
like we did a good thing here.

I do, too.
We gave him a good day.

- Mm-hmm.
- For him.

Not for a normal person.

Yeah. Jesus.

Right.

You all done, bud?

- Yeah. Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.

- Good. Hey, oh, absolutely.
- Yeah.

- You got it.
- Hey, listen, where to now, Frank?

- We want to take you somewhere.
- Uh, no, it's okay. I get it.

I-I thought it was
a cash grab at first,

but I see where you're going.

The hamburger, playing
with Duncan under the bridge,

and now the beach.

A perfect day
can't last forever.

I know why we're here.

Oh. You do?

Gosh.

Thanks for making it
so easy on us.

- We expected more resistance.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess hung on
a little bit too long.

- A little bit.
- And afterwards, you guys can have the money.

- You mean it?
- Really?

Yeah. Here.

Oh. Gosh.

I-I got to say, this-this went

- so much more smoothly than I...
- Yeah, it really did.

Uh, just do it when I'm looking
out at the ocean.

Huh?

Ah, don't be coy.
I had a good run.

- What are you...
- And it's really good

you didn't do it
in front of Charlie.

That was a class move.

Just put me down quick.

Put you down? Wha...

Oh, you know what?
I think I'm gonna run,

and then you do
what you have to do.

But if you shoot me in the leg,
come over and finish me off,

because I don't want
to lay there and suffer.

- Actually, here, I'm gonna take...
- What?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna go natural,
because I've seen

too many guys die
and take a shit in their pants.

I don't want that.
And bury my poop.

Or just kick some sand over it.

'Cause... And then you can do
what you want to do.

You can float me out into
the ocean and let sharks eat me.

Or you can leave me
on the ground,

gruesome for the kids to see.

Oh, ugh. Oh, my God.

We are not gonna
kill you, Frank.

- Huh?
- What, did you think

we were just gonna shoot you
right here on the beach?

I mean,
there-there's people around.

I'm actually surprised
they didn't run

- when you started shooting the ocean.
- I-I'm not.

It's the Jersey Shore.
But good God, man.

Well, if you're not gonna
snuff me out,

what the hell are you doing?

We were giving you
one last day with your gun.

Yeah, it's time
to let it go, Frank.

You were stealing my gun?

- Well...
- Screw that.

No, it's too dangerous, Frank.

You're out of control
with that thing.

By the way,
you're out of the will again.

- What?
- Why? Just because of the gun? - Yeah.

Exactly. Because I don't
trust you two guys.

I mean, if you're in the will,
who knows?

You may wind up
shooting me in the back.

- Aah!
- You just told us to shoot you in the back!

That's different.
It's not the same thing.

Take me back to Philly.

You get an Uber.

- Yeah.
- Get in the car.

- Goddamn it.
- Go on. Let's go. - Dee,

- why'd you let him snatch that thing back?
- I-I...

All right, let's go.

- Just barge right in, Mom.
- O-Okay.

Don't-don't be shy, okay?

Bunny?

Candy?

- Are you home?
- Which one is the can?

There's probably, like,
a million bathrooms.

Just go find a bathroom,
Mrs. Mac.

I don't remember those
being your sisters' names.

No, it's not their names.
They had their names changed.

Oh. How do they afford
to live like this?

T-They're doing
some, like, stupid,

like, social media thing.

I-I don't know, I guess
they're making a killing on it.

Hey! Candy, Bunny!

- Candy...
- Oh, my God.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, we just wanted
to drive up...

Why'd you bring Dirt Grub?

Oh, yeah, hi.
Nice to see you, too.

Shut up, fag!

Why'd you bring your fag friend?

Yeah, why is Mac here?

This is so distasteful.

Uh, dude, uh...

You know what? I'm not
gonna argue with you guys.

- Oh, you're not?
- Okay? No, I'm just here

- for the teeth.
- No, you can't have them.

Yeah, you can't
have them, Charlie.

- You can't have them.
- Mom gave them to us.

Well, what do you even care
about the teeth?

I-I thought you always said
they were weird and gross.

- They are weird and gross.
- Yeah, super gross,

but people like that stuff,
so we need them.

- We need them.
- Need them for what?

ASMR, dickweed.

Yeah. ASMR.

What is that? What even is that?

We stick our hands in the jar.

People pay to watch us
stick our hand in the jar.

- They pay for that shit.
- Yeah.

They like the noise
of the teeth,

and they give us a lot
of money on OnlyFans.

- Like, a lot of money.
- What?

- More than you could ever imagine.
- Yeah.

All you're doing is sticking
your hands in teeth

and people pay you enough
to live like this?

- We obviously take our tops off. Like...
- Obviously.

- Oh, girls.
- Oh, my God.

- Shut up, slut.
- You're literally a slut.

All right, you know what? Give
me the teeth. Give me the teeth.

No. Finders keepers, bitch.

- Finders keepers.
- You did not find them!

- Mom gave them to you!
- Yeah, she did.

- Okay, we're her favorite.
- I clogged the toilet.

- What the hell? Gross.
- Who is this old lady clogging our toilet?

That's my mommy.

- Gross, Mac!
- Gross, Mac!

Why did you clog our toilet?

Why'd you clog our toilet,
old lady?

There was no TP.

If there was no TP,
what did you wipe with?

The letters.

You wiped your butt
with the letters

that Grandpop sent Dad and then
flushed them down the toilet?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This is so weird, guys.
You got to go.

- All right, you know what?
- No. No.

Hey, hey. Put that down.

This is gonna be
the new Kelly family heirloom,

and I'm gonna put
all my teeth in it

and all of Mom's teeth in it
and none of yours.

Okay.

Oh, uh, yep.

- Yep. Yep.
- You got to stop

doing that. You're not gonna
have any teeth left.

You sure you don't want
to pop a couple in?

You know, you can be
a part of my legacy, dude.

I-I feel like you should be.

- No, I-I'm good.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, I'm good.
- All right, I'll tell you what.

When one-one falls out,
go ahead and toss it in.

- It's cool.
- It won't.

Yeah. There. Take that, lock.

Oh, what the hell, man?

And the door wasn't even locked.

You're paying
for that door, Frank.

All right, all right.

Well, this is great.
This is just great.

You know, like, now
what are we supposed to all put

- our teeth in?
- Our faces?

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about our legacy.

You know?
I can't hold onto it, man.

Legacy? You want to talk legacy?
You know what our legacy is?

Spending our lives
in this goddamn bar

with a lunatic man
who acts like a dog

and handles
his gun like a maniac!

Oh, fine.

I see where this
pity party's headed.

If you're gonna be
crybabies about it,

all right, take my gun.

- Ow! Ow!
- Shit!

Shit.

Well, there you have it, Frank.

You've officially shot
everyone in the bar.