It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 3 - The Gang Gets Cursed - full transcript

Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys.

"Congratulations, Paddy's Pub.

"We are pleased to report that
we are interested in featuring

"your bar on an upcoming
episode of our show.

"We will be sending a producer
to do a walk-through soon.

"Warmly, your friends at...

Bar Rescue!"

Yes!

This is like our dreams
come true, right?

What? To be on a
reality TV show?

Yeah. Wh... How
did this happen?

I've been writing them
a letter every week

since the show first started.

- Well, how long's it been?
- Too long.

I very much do
want to be famous,

but I don't know if I want
to be on a reality show

where they try and make
us look like jerks.

- Right.
- Right. Oh, right, yeah.

'Cause, like, what if
they, like, edit it

to, like, make me look
stupid or something?

Yeah. This is a definite
pass for me. I'm out.

This could be huge for us.

What are you guys talking about?

I'm a little disappointed that
you didn't tell me earlier

because I would have
been working out

for weeks in preparation.

I mean, for God's sakes, man.

What if, what if
my shirt falls off?

Yeah, yeah. I'm a little
off my regimen, too.

Like, I haven't even
been doing any of my...

- workouts.
- Ever. He never has. Yeah.

You guys are missing
the bigger picture here.

I mean, wh-what are the odds
that they would pick our bar?

This is a million-to-one shot,

and I've got a really good
feeling about this, guys.

Things are about to
change here at Paddy's Pub

because our luck
just turned around.

The second I clean it up,
you're making more crumbs.

- Stop.
- There should be more crumbs.

We should put crumbs all
over the goddamn bar.

Sorry, but, Charlie, why am
I seeing so many silverfish?

I-I don't know where
they're coming from, man.

I cannot get rid of them.

You should not get rid of them.

Don't you guys understand
what Bar Rescue is?

These are the exact
kind of things

that John Taffer's gonna come in
and hand our asses to us about.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, I don't... I don't want
to have my ass handed to me.

I mean, how the
bar comes across is

- a reflection of how I come across. Okay?
- Yes.

And I, for one, don't
want to be known

as a silverfish man. Okay?

I want to look good
for the people watching

in their...

Uh... What's the-the thing?

The-the boxes that-that
people live in?

You talking about their homes?

Y... uh, yes, yeah. Their homes.

Jesus. I couldn't
think of that word. That's so weird.

Guys, we have a problem.

But whatever you
do, don't laugh.

- How are we not supposed to laugh at that?
- I wouldn't laugh at that.

This is not funny, all
right? It's not a joke.

I don't know what's
going on with my face,

but it's broken or something.

It's very funny.

That's really funny.

- Ah!
- My egg's all bloody.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

This is bad, dude.

This is the kind of stuff
that starts happening

when someone's put
a curse on you.

- Curse? What are you talking about?
- What?

Let's just stop and
think for a second, okay?

Like, Dee, did you
have any run-ins

with anyone who might
have put a curse on you?

I mean, I had a
tiny little issue

with a neighbor last night.

Yes!

Spewing my hate
all over your teenage asses.

What?

Banging the goddamn
door down. What?

Yeah.

What? Why are you trying
to break my door down

at 3:00 in the morning?

I baked you some brownies.

Why you baking me shit?

- Trying to poison me?
- No.

I just wanted to kindly ask if
you could keep the noise down.

Oh. Oh,
no. I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize.

- That was really sweet of you...
- Oh, yeah.

- To bake these for me.
- Yeah.

Hey, I have something
for you also.

- Oh, it's so nice. What is it?
- Yeah.

Well, it's a trophy. See?

It says "Cunt of the Year."

That's you.

You are a nasty woman,

and bad things are going
to happen to you one day.

I guarantee it.

Drop dead.

Well, ther e you go. It sounded
like that lady cursed you.

I don't know. I call old ladies
cunts all the time. We all do.

- Right. - That's true.
- No, she brings up a good point.

- We do. We do.
- I called an old lady a cunt this morning.

- See? - Did you? Yeah.
- I sure did. I sure did.

- No, I might've done it, too, actually.
- Honestly,

for me this raises an
even bigger concern.

Okay. What's that?

Dee had no right to
give that trophy away.

I mean, we worked very, very hard on that.

We did. It's not easy to make.

- Nobody wanted to do it.
- Plus, she earned it, right?

- Yeah, you earned it.
- And you earned it.

And you're just gonna
give it away? I mean...

Either way, this is
all bullshit anyway,

because we're not having bad
luck, we're having good luck.

What about my egg?

You know what that
might've been?

Y-You might've gotten cursed
when you killed that seabird.

- What seabird?
- Oh, I didn't tell you guys about this? Okay.

So, the other day, uh, Frank's
making a banana daiquiri.

Seagull flies
right into the bar.

- Cheers.
- Yeah. Here you go.

It's tasty.

- Oh, shit.
- What?

A seagull.

Whoa.

Oh, a little birdie.

Oh, what a sweet little birdie.

You want some food? Want some?

Whoa! Shit, Frank!

- Die!
- Ah, Frank. Jesus.

Come here, you rat, die!

Ah! Goddamn!

And die, you fucking seagull.

Bitch. Fucking cunt.

Well, it's bad luck if a
seabird flies into a building.

No, dude. It's bad
luck to kill a seabird.

Every sailor knows that.

I don't sail.

Charlie, will you
stop trying to turn

our good fortune
into bad fortune?

All this doom and
gloom. Nobody is cursed.

Oh, really, Mac? Because
I straight-up heard

Cricket curse you yesterday.

All right. It's
time to make good

on your end of the bargain, Mac.

What are you talking
about? I still need proof.

Oh, come on, man.
Don't start with that.

- We had...
- Cricket, what are you doing in here, man?

That's what I was just saying.

Cricket, what are
you doing in here?

What? What-what... No,
we're-we're talking business.

Business? I'm not doing
business with you, street trash.

What is your deal,
man? What-what...

One second you need me, the
next I'm a pile of garbage?

- Is that what this is?
- Cricket, beat it, man...

You better beat it, or I'm
gonna beat you with my shoe.

- You know what?
- Get out of the bar, dude.

You know what? Screw you guys.

Oh. Hey, Mac.

A curse on you.

Vos omnes maledicti mille annis.

I mean, he-he literally
cursed you, man.

Now, guys, come on. We got
to take this seriously.

Like, let's look at
this. Like, uh, Frank.

Let-Let's do our homework
on sailors' curses.

Dee, Mac, go make
your apologies.

I will do nothing of the sort.

In fact, I am done
listening to this.

It's irritating, anti-God,

and most importantly will not
make for good Bar Rescue banter.

I am leaving.

Come on, man!

Charlie, how do you
know all this curse...

- Stuff?
- Yeah.

That... I mean, look, maybe
it's real, maybe it's not.

But, like, look at it this way.

Like, i-if a black
cat crosses your path,

do you spit over
your left shoulder?

- Uh-uh.
- Why would I do that?

- No.
- You guys don't do that one?

I don't know what that is.

Well, I mean, like,
when you're hopeful

for something, though,
do you knock on wood?

- Oh, that one. No. No.
- Nah... No.

I've heard of that
one, but I don't do it.

Well, do you make a wish

when you blow out a
damn candle? I mean...

- Of course we do. - Yes.
- Ah, yes, that one I do.

- You know what I'm talking about.
- Candles, yeah, I like that.

Well, 'cause I want my
wishes to come true.

Okay. And why do you do it?

You do it just in case.

Just in case it's real, right?

And "just in case"
is as good a reason

to believe in anything as any.

Hmm.

I got to call a
doctor or something.

Oh, no, you definitely should.

I'm pretty sure you
have Bell's palsy.

I, uh, I looked it up.

But first you got to
apologize to your neighbor.

Yeah. Just in case? Hmm?

Just in ca... No, no.

I don't believe in
that bullshit. No.

She's got the trophy. I
want to get the trophy back.

You had no right to
give that to her.

I swear to God, if she
doesn't have that thing,

- I'm gonna paralyze the other side of your face.
- Oh, okay.

'Cause I want it. Come
on, that's-that's crazy.

You-you have to be
nominated for that.

Hello, um, you don't know me,

but I'm the brother of
this horrible woman,

and she just wanted to
come by and tell you

that she's very...

Uh, she-she feels...
She, uh...

Oh, what's the word?

To make
better the feelings?

- "Sorry"?
- Sorry. Yes. Goddamn.

Um... I don't know
what that... Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Um, and also, she, um...

She gave you
something, uh, a trophy,

and-and it was not hers to give.

Do-do you perhaps
still have that?

- Yeah, I have it. I'll get it.
- Yeah? Okay, great.

You know what? I got to
look up some clinics,

'cause I really need a
doctor to fix my face

before we're on TV.

- Uh-oh.
- Hmm?

- Whoa. Did-did you see that?
- What?

See what?

Uh, a black cat just ran
out of her apartment.

- It just...
- I didn't see a cat.

You kidding me? It
ran right past us.

Well, that's not good.

- A black cat?
- Yeah.

Well, shit. What'd Charlie
say we were supposed to do

if we saw it?
That's a bad omen.

Oh.

Oh!

Uh-oh. I got you, didn't
I? Sorry about that.

- Yes, you did.
- Yeah.

Boy, that's a shame.

- Thank you for this, though.
- Yeah.

Um, listen, um...
Do you have a cat?

'Cause I think I just saw one
run out of your apartment.

- A cat?
- Yeah, yeah. A little black cat?

I had a little black cat.
Her name was Maureen.

Whoa.

But she's been dead for years.

Huh. That's crazy.

I was, I was murdered to
a woman named Maureen.

- Huh?
- Huh?

No, I meant
married. I'm sorry.

I was married to a
woman named Maureen.

I-I...

That's so weird. I
swear I saw a cat.

You know what? This
place is full of cats.

Can we get out of here, please?

- Yeah, go. Go.
- Okay.

And please keep the
noise down at night.

Yeah. Okay, you got it, cunt.

Are you sure about
this, Cricket?

Yeah, I'm sure about it, man.

I've been greasing the doormen
of this building for years.

Chase Utley's back in town.

He's coming out of his
apartment any second now.

Is it good intel? 'Cause I
only got one good shot at this.

Maybe it is, maybe it
isn't. What do I know?

I'm just a street rat, right?

I'm just trash.
That's what you said.

- Okay, Cricks, I'll tell you...
- You've got nothing for me.

I knew you were gonna
be a little bit of

a bitch about this, so
I did something nice.

- I got you a sixer.
- You got that for me?

Yeah, I got a gift
for you, buddy.

There's
only four in here.

I drank two of 'em, of course.

Okay. All right. Well,
thank you.

Oh, I'm gonna buy a
six-pack and not drink two?

Well, yeah. That's kind
of the kind thing to...

But I... Look,
um, thank you for the four.

If I'm being honest,
I drank four.

Two of those are piss.

Because I was stuck in the
van, and you were out...

You know what, I don't
even care, frankly.

- I'm just glad to have a beverage.
- Yeah. All right.

All right, um...

Dominus espritu sanctum, okay?

- You're off.
- What was that?

I was, uh, I was lifting
the curse that I put on you.

Oh. Yeah, no, I don't
believe in curses.

Yeah, that's anti-God,

and God is the reason
that all things happen.

And speaking of
things that happened,

I got to show you
something, Cricks,

but you got to keep it a secret.

Something wrong with your dick?

- What?
- Okay, I was waiting for this.

If it's your dick, though,
I-I got to charge you for it.

I'm gonna tell you right now.

No. It's not my dick, Cricket.

Well, if-if you're
gonna whip it out, uh,

we're on the clock. All right?

- I'm not whipping anything out!
- There's a tiered system...

Look. This.

What? What is that?

It's a monkey paw, and
I think it's good luck,

like a rabbit's foot
or something like that,

'cause ever since I found it,

nothing but good
things have happened.

Uh, sorry, I thought
God was the reason

that anything good
happens, et cetera.

Well, no. God decides who
the good things happen to

and then who he smites.

- You're not following.
- I-I can't follow it.

- Cricket, I'm...
- It makes literally no sense.

- You got to pick a lane.
- I don't even know why I even...

- Let's get this open. I'm feeling curious.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, that's... there he
is, there he is. Okay.

Let's go.

Mr. Utley?

Mr. Utley?

Mr. Utley, a moment
of your time, sir.

Mr. Utley?

Mr. Utley, hello?

Hello. Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Utley.

Hey, uh, would you
like an autograph?

Oh, no. That's a cl...
A classic, Mr. Utley.

- I-It's me, Mac.
- I don't know a Mac.

I wrote you a letter every
week for the last ten years.

Did you not receive my
letters? There was a video.

A video in response. Wait.

"Dear Mac, I feel like
I can call you Mac

"because you called me Chase.

"Thank you for the
compliment on my hair.

"It's my fourth favorite
thing after baseball,

"running fast and my dad.

"I'm sorry your dad
doesn't like you.

"Maybe you could
become a better son.

"Meeting you and
having a game of catch

"sounds like a lot of
fun, but like I said,

"I'm really busy playing a lot
of baseball for the Phillies.

"I hope you have a good life.

"Fans like you make my
life a 'grand slam.'

Your good friend, Chase."

- Wait, you're that Mac?
- Yes.

I thought Mac was a little kid.

Yes, there's a child. A child...

A child born unto
me. Little Mac.

- What?
- He's Little Mac, I'm Big Mac,

and you shall have
a catch with him.

Your hair, it's throwing me.

It's making me very
nervous.

On the Dodgers, yes,
you were the Silver Fox.

Philadelphia, you
were just the Fox.

I don't know, man.
I'm pretty busy.

Yes, we're all, we're all
busy, but the boy is sick.

He's very sick.
He's, he's dying.

He's got leukemia and you
shall have a catch with him.

- Where's my car?
- I'll tweet that you didn't.

I'm sorry. I threatened you.

Now I'm upset and so are you.

A catch, we shall
have? Later today.

Okay. Maybe, but for,
like, five minutes tops.

- Yes. Yes, yes.
- I'm really busy.

Mom?

Hey, can we pick your
brain about something?

Oh, Charlie, I didn't
think you could make it.

- Come on in.
- Yeah, shit, I forgot it's Uncle Jack's birthday.

Come on in, Charlie.
You can sit next to me.

Nah, I'm good. Uh, we'll
come back later or something.

No, no, no, no, Charlie.
I want a piece of cake.

- Come on.
- Oh, do you? Oh, shit.

Okay, all right, all right.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jack ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
- Can we switch seats?

Okay, make a wish.

Oh, right, right, right.
Okay, you and I hold hands.

- Nope.
- Okay, ready?

All right.

-Oh!
-Good. All right. Very good, very good.

Hey, you want to know
my wish, Charlie?

- Sure don't, pal.
- Ooh, don't tell him your wish,

- it won't come true.
- Yeah, there you go.

- Exactly.
- I made a wish, too.

How about you and me go on
upstairs with some cake, Bon?

Hey, Frank, you don't
get a wish, okay?

That's not how birthday candles work.

- Says who?
- Uh, look, that's not why we're here!

Mom, Frank killed a seagull.

Hey, that's not good, Frank.

Yeah, we know it's not
good, Uncle Jack. Okay?

That's why... that's why
we came here, all right?

Mom, now is that the kind of
thing that could put, like,

- a curse on Frank?
- Yes.

They say that a sailor's
spirit lives on in the gulls,

and if you kill a
gull, the sailor

can haunt you for
the rest of its life.

- No shit?
- Yeah, well, is there anything we can do,

- or, like...
- Well, you could slit Frank's throat

with a horn of a goat and
drink a bowl of his blood.

What?

Well, uh, okay, yeah,
maybe not, maybe not that.

Is, like, there
anything else, or...

Ooh!

He could behead the
gull and wear its skull

around his neck for
the rest of his life.

Mom, that's not gonna
work, 'cause we don't have

- the gull anymore.
- Yeah, we do.

It's at the bar.

- What? It is?
- Mm, yeah.

I kicked it under
one of the booths

so I didn't have to clean it up.

Okay, so you're telling
me that you want to wear

a seagull skull around your
neck for the rest of your life?

I don't know. Could be cool.

No, we're not doing
that. That's crazy.

Mom, anything else?

You could give the seagull

a proper burial.

What? Well, yeah, that
one, Mom. That one.

Why didn't you lead off with
that one in the first place?

Well, sometimes you're
at sea, Charlie,

and you wouldn't
have that option.

Do I look like I'm at sea, Mom?

- I don't know.
- You don't know if I'm at sea?

You don't,
uh... Uncle Jack, stop.

Stop putting your hand on me.

Looking for this.

What is it?

Maureen Ponderosa.

- Well, why do you have that?
- Well, I wanted to keep it

as a-a-a...

Oh, a trophy? From the murder.

No, not a... What?
No, not a trophy.

I... As... I wanted...

Like a souvenir,
f-from your victim.

Not a souvenir,
no. It's-it's, a...

It's a... I wanted to keep
it as a w-way to spite her.

Which one? Which one's it under?

- Uh, by the jukebox. Over here.
- Oh... ah!

-Over here.
-I see it, yeah. Let me get a trash bag.

Eh.

- What the hell is that?
- That's the gull Frank killed.

- All right.
- What's that?

Oh, that's his dead wife.

- Yeah.
- Looks like a trophy.

No, it's not a-a
trophy, okay?

The crazy bitch had it in
her will that she wanted

to be buried in a pet
cemetery, and I refused.

Wait a second.

You refused your
wife's dying wishes

to be buried in a pet cemetery?
Why would you do that?

Because she's not a cat.

Yeah, but, dude, like,
that's-that's the exact

kind of thing that
could lead to a curse.

That... I know.

I... Yes. Okay, I get that now.

- This is bullshit, Cricket.
- I don't know what you're so upset about.

Y-You said get a kid.

I mean, his name on the
street is literally "Kid."

- That's what he goes by.
- He is a grown man.

I can be whatever you
want me to be, champ.

- I'll make your dreams come true.
- Oh, he can.

-Would you make it... Do a, do a turn. Do a spin.
-Oh.

There you go. Make
it sexy. Let's go.

Yeah.

Uh, move the bangs,
put the bangs.

Show them your face,
show them your face.

- Yeah. Huh?
- Hey.

- Get him out of here.
- All right, yeah. You're gone.

- Uh, here. Go.
- Oh, yeah...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Drugs? Mm.

No eyes.

Okay.

It's all about respect.

Mac, what the hell is this?

Um, I believe that
Cricket is now a pimp,

and that was his boy slut.

Uh, t-that's oversimplifying it.

But, uh, that's-that's
it in a nutshell.

No, we got that. He got,
yeah, he means like...

Yes. I-I mean, what are
you doing with Cricket?

No, he's got a monkey
paw.

Ugh, come on, Cricket.
That's a secret.

Oh, I can't keep secret...
Honestly, I'm so high,

I'm thinking about
it, and I'm gonna go

with him in the bathroom
and finish up the... Yeah.

Mac, what's going on

with the monkey
paw? What is this?

You know how I've been
chasing Chase Utley

for years to have a catch?

Well, I finally got to
him and we were supposed

to have a catch tomorrow
with my "dying son."

Cricket was gonna
help me find one,

- but he brought back a junkie.
- Wait, wait, wait.

You actually met Chase
Utley? How'd you do that?

Well, ever since I
found this monkey's paw,

my luck has totally
turned around.

Well, actually, it
wasn't just a paw.

It was a whole monkey behind
the kegs, and he was dead.

He had this cash in his
hand, and when I went

to grab the cash, the whole hand
just, like, kind of popped out,

and I've been carrying
it around ever since.

Monkey in the
bar, right? Totally random.

Wha... that-that's
not random at all.

That's probably the
monkey that worked here,

- robbed us and fucked our faces.
- He got stuck behind the keg.

- It's behind the kegs?
- Well, actually,

I found him by the office, but
I kicked him behind the kegs

because I didn't feel
like cleaning him up.

- Oh!
- Goddamn it!

Well, he is decomposing

and there's also a shit-ton
of mold back there.

- Shit, now I smell it.
- I don't know how I missed that.

Okay, okay.

I got a new fix, all right? I
got a new fix for everything.

We're gonna take, uh, your wife,

the gull and what's
left of the monkey,

and we're gonna bury them
all in a pet cemetery.

And Mac, you are gonna have
a catch with Chase Utley,

but not with your dying son.

- Why not?
- 'Cause he's already dead.

I'm confused.

This is your son?

Oh, yes, Mr. Utley.

I didn't have the heart
to tell you earlier.

He was only ten years old
when he died. He's dead now.

Why is he buried
at a pet cemetery?

Dogs. He loved dogs.

Okay, man. What is this?

What's going on?

I'm sorry, I...

Look, I know you're
gonna think that this is crazy,

but I-I found this monkey paw,

and it's brought me
really good luck.

And I know that you don't
think superstitions are real,

and that this is
all ridiculous...

Not real? Of course
they're real.

- What, really?
- Yeah.

How do you think baseball
players get out of their slumps?

With superstitions.

'Cause what they believe
influences their actions.

But actions do
have consequences.

Like lying, Mac.

Why don't you hand
over that monkey paw?

You're right.

You're right, actions do
have consequences, and I...

I'm really sorry,
man, I think...

Hall of Fame, baby, here I come!

What the hell was
that all about?

I think Chase Utley just
stole my monkey paw.

Oh. Well, then, maybe the
curse has been lifted.

- Oh. Right, yeah.
- Uh, hey, guys? Um...

- Hmm?
- Check this out.

Okay, so, apparently, um...

temporary facial
paralysis and brain fog

are all symptoms of exposure
to high levels of mold.

- Huh?
- Oh...

You know what? That might
also explain the silverfish.

Yeah, no, it does.
Actually, it does.

They eat mold.

- Huh?
- And what about my egg?

Well, is it possible, Frank,

that that egg was a seagull egg?

- Oh...
- That might've been, because, you know what,

- we found some eggs...
- And we...

- And you might've mixed them up.
- I might've swapped...

- Mixed them up.
- Yeah, 'cause we had store eggs

- and we had found eggs.
- You did a flip-flop.

- You did a flip-flop.
- Yeah, there you go.

So, the... so, there's no curse.

Oh, no. Hold on a second.

"Dear Mr. McDonald, we
regret to inform you

that we came by your bar
and there was nobody there."

- Huh?
- "After several failed attempts

"to reach you, we have
decided to rescind our offer.

We wish you the best of luck.
Your friends at Bar Rescue."

Damn it. If I had
that monkey paw,

none of this would've happened.

Yeah, so that means
we are still cursed.

- Oh, no. - Shit.
- It doesn't!

We're not... There is no curse.

Okay? Mac, no, you
were never lucky.

Okay? You just bombarded
them both with mail.

And you stalked Chase
Utley for years.

We're not unlucky, okay?
We're just the type of...

We're just the type of people
to bury various animals

and-and wives in a pet cemetery

when we know we
should be at work.

- Oh, yeah.
- Let's go back to the bar.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh, what about me?
What about my luck?

I don't know, Cricks, I guess...
there's no real explanation

as to why bad things
would happen to you.

- Yeah.
- Maybe it's just one of those things, Cricket.

-That's life. That's life, sometimes.
-Yeah, man.

- It is what it is.
- You got a dark cloud

- following you around.
- It is what it is.

- That's all there is to it.
- It is what it is.

- It is what it is.
- Nice day.