It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 1 - The Gang Inflates - full transcript

Did you ever see
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

No.

The cartoon was excellent,
and the movies

were even, like,
more well-refined.

Look at the price
of these suckers.

Never saw it?

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, uh, new couches.
We got rid of the old one,

- but the prices are insane.
- Yeah, it's nuts, man.

I think we should just rent like
we did the last time, you know?

Wait, you rented your sofa?

Yeah, I mean, all we did
was pay the interest.

How much was the interest?

Oh, it was nothing.
It was like 25 bucks

- a week. - Yeah.
- How long did you have it?

- 15 years, bro.
- About 15 years, yeah.

You spent close to $20,000
on a couch you never owned.

- Twenty thou...
- No.

- Where are you getting that from?
- No.

52 weeks a year, $25 a week.

15 years.

$19,500.

That seems high.

That's pretty
bad business, fellas.

I don't understand why prices
are so high right now.

- Inflation.
- Yeah.

- Right, yeah.
- Oh, well, right.

- Inflation, yeah.
- I mean, because of the inflation.

You guys do understand
what inflation is, right?

Inflation?
Yeah, yes, absolutely.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. For the sake of argument...

- Yeah.
- Pretend we don't.

Inflation is when the price
of goods and services go up.

Whoop.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Eh?

Frank, oh, thank God.

Hey, I'm being evicted.
The-the landlord,

he jacked up my rent
and I can't pay.

Now, listen, I have glued
my hand to the door,

so they can't
physically remove me.

Just a second, Deandra.

See, inflation happens when

there's more demand
than there is supply.

- Yes.
- Frank, I don't think they're get...

You want me to, you want me

- to walk 'em through it?
- Charlie.

Yeah, you shut up, Charlie.
You don't understand any of it.

That's not true. Dude, I've
learned a lot about business

living with Frank.
You know, I know stuff.

Also, speaking of,
I got an investment idea

that I'd love to pitch
you guys if I-if I...

Paddy's.

Do not hang up on...

Charlie, we don't want to
hear it. Frank, keep going.

Well, you see, the government
tries to curb inflation

by raising interest rates,

so that people borrow less
and spend less.

Okay, so if prices are
going up, can we get a raise?

No, well, you see,

if I raise your wages,

- then you'd have more money.
- Yeah.

And that, in this case,
is not good.

No.

You know, it would
increase inflation.

- Yeah?
- And we don't want that

- to increase, right?
- No.

So maybe what we would

need to do is lower
our wages. I get it.

But that would
cause a recession.

Yeah.

Which could lead
to a depression.

- So you can't.
- You can't do that.

Which we can't, of course,

- Yeah.
- Take a pay cut.

- Right.
- Or a raise.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- Mm-mm, no.

That's money talk.

Yeah, that's money
talk right there.

Basically, it boils down
to your nut, right?

Like, how much, like, nut do
you go through a month, right?

- Are you storing up your nut or are you just blowing through it?
- Exactly.

Like, okay, um, how much nut

do you guys blow through
in a month?

- A ton.
- I don't want to talk to you about...

Yeah, I figured you were, man.

- Yeah.
- So, you got, you got to try to

hang on to some of that nut.
Otherwise it's all gone.

But that's the screwy
thing about it.

Money isn't as valuable
as it always was.

- It's totally different.
- And money's not as valuable, right?

How can the value
of money be different?

Money is money.

- No, a buck is not worth a buck.
- No, no.

- No, no, it's worth 25 cents right now.
- There, yeah.

- A dollar is worth 25 cents?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but I'll give you
50 cents for a buck.

Hey.

Uh, I think that sounds
like a good deal.

Yeah?

Huh?

Frank, you got to wire me money!

They... They're unscrewing my...

Okay, you know what?
I only have a ten.

I'll give you a five.

That's money talk.

- Let's go.
- Nice, nice, yeah.

- Deal.
- Deal.

Uh, Mac, you know, I'm-I'm

crunching the numbers over here,
and I'm-I'm

getting a little
concerned about our nut.

How much money are you spending

on these Dwayne Johnson
energy drinks?

Quite a bit.
I basically live on them now.

Maybe you could
cut back a little bit.

I mean, you don't
have to buy everything

The Rock tries
to sell you, you know.

Interesting. What am
I looking at here?

Come. Have a seat.

- Oh.
- Oh, shit.

- An inflatable couch?
- Yeah.

It was super cheap, dude.

Now, this is just
a temporary option

until we make enough nut

for us to afford
an actual couch.

- Right.
- But it will lower our monthly nut

because we're not
renting this bad boy.

Dennis, we own it.

- Oh.
- And speaking of nuts,

I also purchased these.

Okay, went, went real literal
with it, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah.

- Fancy Nuts.
- These are very fancy.

- Are they? Three dollars?
- Yeah, yeah, only-only three dollars.

Now, we could live on
these bad boys for weeks.

Mm-hmm. Well, listen,

I don't really have any interest

in your, uh, bulk tin

of low-end economy nuts,

but I am finding this couch idea

to be pretty interesting,

and it's giving me another idea

of how we could possibly

"inflate" things
a little further.

Oh, well, you can't
inflate this any further

'cause it'll pop.

Just a figure of speech.

No, trust me, I-I tried.

I-I already popped two
of them earlier today.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- I just kept blowing and blowing and blowing,

and just... boom.

Okay, all right,
well, that's okay.

You really shouldn't,
it's dangerous.

- I understand what you're saying.
- Okay.

I'm serious, Dennis.
Don't blow this up.

I'm not going to do it.

I get what you're saying.
It's very clear.

Okay.

Charlie.

Check this out, a new lamp.

It looks like an old lamp,
but listen...

- It's a new lamp.
- What's with the lamps, man?

You keep coming back
with all this junk.

- That's like the fifth lamp you've brought back.
- Don't worry about it.

- Where you want to put it?
- I don't know, stick it in

the storage closet or something.

- Like...
- Oh, storage, yeah.

Frank, can I talk
to you a second

about this
investment idea I got?

- Like, 'cause this is... this...
- Oh, whoa.

Ah, this... this place is packed.

Right, yeah. Don't make a mess.
Like, listen, Frank,

this could be, like, huge, man,

because I've been
tracking this thing.

It's this, like, like, Internet
money kind of situation, right?

Wha-What, crypto?
I'm not into crypto.

Well, it'd be a lot less cryptic

if I could show you the video.
There's a video that...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. What-What's this?

Is that a toilet?

Uh... yeah.

You mean to tell me we've been
living here all this time,

and you never told me
we had a bathroom?

It's really, like, noisy.

It runs all the time.
It's not a good one.

We piss in cans, Charlie.

You can always go
number two down the hall,

and, like, it's a good system.

What else are you
hiding from me?

Nothing, Frank.

I'm trying to talk
to you about business.

What's behind that door?

That's the neighbor's door.
That's why it's all...

- Hold this. Hold this lamp.
- Stop, Frank.

Listen, man,
I don't want to have to be

constantly cleaning toilets
and... Aw, shit.

- Holy shit.
- Yeah, yeah.

What the fuck is this?

- Yeah, okay.
- Is this a bedroom?

Um, I mean...

Charlie, you mean
we've been living

in a two-bedroom
with a bathroom,

and you never
said anything about it?

Look, all right, look, I wasn't
trying to be crypto about it,

it's just, like, Frank,
I just never liked

sleeping in a room with
an empty room behind me.

You got to understand that,
right? It's creepy.

You're supposed
to sleep in here.

Yeah, but I just... I n...

Great, now someone's
at the door.

I'm gonna have to walk
a mile to get it.

This is why you don't want
all this space, Frank.

Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming.

All right. Jesus.

I need a place to stay.
Let me talk to Frank.

- What's on your hand?
- It's a piece of a door.

- Move past it. Frank!
- He can't hear you,

he's in the other room, okay?

What? What other room?

Frank! Dee's here!

I mean, I'm gonna have
to get, like, an intercom

on the wall or something.

- It's just totally nuts.
- What? What is going on over here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just...

- Holy shit, Charlie.
- Yeah.

This is tits. Why don't
you use this room?

I like to keep my life simple.

I don't want to live
in a maze, you know?

No. I don't know.
Can I sleep in here?

Absolutely not.
Don't think about that.

Someone's at the door again.

Okay? I'm gonna
have to walk another mile.

This is crazy. I mean,
I'm gonna have to get a butler.

I'm coming, hang on.

- What?
- Where's Frank?

- Why?
- We don't have to tell you our business.

Fine, whatever.
He's in the other room.

What other room?

The other room over there, man.

That's where he is.

You have another room here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got another room.

- What the hell, dude?
- What's going on?

I mean, we're gonna
blow our shoes out

with all this walking, man.

Holy shit.

- What the hell?
- I mean, Charlie,

have you always had this?

Yeah, it's not a big deal.

How is this not a big deal?

Wait, so you truly
have no reason

to be sleeping with Frank.

Move past it, dude.
Move past it, man.

I will move past it

because I really, ultimately,
don't give a shit.

Frank, listen,

we have an incredible
business opportunity

we want to talk to you about.

All right, well,
let's talk turkey.

What, you're gonna listen
to their idea over mine, dude?

L-Look, the two of you,
get out of here.

I need the office. Get out.

Oh, now it's an office?
It's an office now?

Oh, that's great. I mean,
are we even zoned for that?

I'll come back tonight.

Yeah, so, uh,
what do you think, Frank?

Good, good. It's got
a nice squeak to it.

Yeah, it does have a nice
squeak to it, doesn't it?

Hey, uh, Mac, you almost done
with that one over there, bud?

Yeah, just finishing up.
And I am

good.

That's a lot of blowing.

Now, Frank,

would you like
to start this meeting off

with a Fancy Nut?

What happened to your lips?

Huh?

What happened to your lips?

Oh, this mu...
Must be from the plastic.

It's, uh, it's probably
from all the blowing.

Blowing.

The pla... the plastic on these

is a little bit irritating.

It's not the pla...
No, that's not what it is.

That's not what it is.

That is rancid.

Did you g...
Did you get a bad one?

Well, they're all bad.
Do not eat them.

Okay? Either of you.

Now, Frank, as we all know,

we're living in
a time of inflation.

But...

is inflation such a bad thing?

Or are things

better inflated?

Take it.

Take a look at
that lookbook there.

Turn to the first page,
you'll see, uh...

Hello.

Yeah.

Kim Kardashian's backside,
the early years.

Now, if you turn
to the next page...

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Ooh. Ooh.
- Yes. Yes.

As the years have gone by,

her backside has gotten bigger
and bigger. It's inflated.

I think what you'll find

most interesting is that
the Kardashians' net worth

has inflated in direct
proportion to their booties.

What did he say?

I'm saying that the Kardashians'

- No, no, Mac, Mac, please.
- Backsides...

Just let me.

Let me, okay? Okay, uh, Frank,

we would like for you to, um,

inject some capital into
our inflatable furniture...

I'm in. Yeah.

- You're in?
- Yeah.

You... Oh, really?

You-you don't need to
hear the whole pitch?

Nah, I'll give you the money,

but it's a loan, and you got
to pay me back with interest.

- Oh, we like interest. That's great.
- Yeah, no problem.

And I want to keep the
furniture for the room.

You want to keep this?
Yeah, sure.

And I want to
keep the book for...

other reasons.

Yeah, we-we-we figured

- you'd want to...
- Oh, okay, yeah, you're gonna...

It's crazy. I can be,
like, a good businessman.

You know, I don't know why
he doesn't take me seriously.

It's like, do you have
any idea how much time

I've spent, like, tracking
and researching the price

- of this online currency?
- That's got to be maddening.

Did you glue your
hand to my door?

- Yeah, I did.
- Why?

Well, it's a new form
of protest, Charlie.

People are doing it
to, you know,

call attention to injustices
or some shit.

I don't know.
Either way, I'm locked in.

Uh, boom.

Just like that,
we are in business.

He went with your idea?

Of course he did, Charlie,

we are savvy businessmen.

What's going on with Mac's lips?

I-I don't know,
they're insane. It's-it's...

I think a little bit
of the plastic is, uh, just...

Probably from all the blowing
he's been doing.

He's been making
homophobic jokes for the...

Not homophobic.

Uh, FYI,

Frank, uh, does not
want to be bothered

in there for
a little bit, you know,

he's-he's... Well, you know.

- He's jacking off into a magazine.
- Right.

Aw.

Oh.

Look, Charlie,
I can tell you're mad.

Well, it's just like,
I don't get it, man.

It's like, why do you believe
in Mac and Dennis over me?

Look, Charlie, I'm not
investing in them

because I believe in them.

I'm investing in them
because I don't believe in them.

They're gonna be paying me money
for the rest of their lives,

like that stupid couch.

- Well, then you're just, like, being a predator.
- Exactly.

Well, it's not
a compliment, Frank.

You know what?

I can't deal with this.

I'm going to go sleep in
the other bedroom, all right?

What? And just leave
me here, all alone?

Yes, yes.

I'm still here, goddamn it.

Charlie, can you
please unglue me?

I got to go to the new bathroom.

No, Dee, you
did this to yourself.

I will glue a pillow
to the wall, though.

- I don't want to be a bad host.
- Oh, yeah?

You know what, man?
This was a mistake.

I-I can't sleep.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're upset and concerned

that we got rid of
our furniture too soon.

Nope, that's not it.

Is it the business plan?

You're afraid
it's not gonna work?

That's also not it.

- Then what?
- It's your goddamn wheezing.

Am I wheezing?

Are you wheezing?
You sound insane.

Are you allergic to those nuts?

No. It's not the nuts.

I... It's... I, uh... I think
it's from blowing up those...

No. Okay, also, I feel

like I'm sleeping
in a tub of nuts here, man.

Can you stop eating them in bed?

- It's Charlie! Open up... oh.
- Oh, Charlie's here.

- Stop eating the nuts.
- It's unlocked.

You should lock your door.

Look, I need a place to stay.

- No room.
- What?

- We don't have
- He's-he's...

Any room.

He's saying
we don't have any room.

But, uh, well, hey, I can,
I can blow up my own bed

and I can deflate it
in the morning.

I'll inflate it,
I'll deflate it.

It'll be like I was never here.

Plus, I brought my own nuts.

Are they fancy?

What? What-what is he saying?

Are they Fancy Nuts?

He wants to know
if they're fancy.

Well, some are, yeah.
It's an assortment.

Consider it an offering.

Of war?

Of peace. What is going
on with you, dude?

He's allergic to nuts, okay?
I think he's gonna die.

I'm not allergic to nuts.

The point is, Charlie,
we can't swing it.

Well, I have information
about Frank

that you guys might like
to hear for your business.

- Fine. Tell us.
- Have-have a seat.

Okay.

Here's how this works.

Cut me in on your operation,

and I'll give you
the information.

See? I am a pretty good
businessman after all.

Okay, Charlie, you're just
trying to bribe us,

and bartering with nuts that you
probably foraged from a tree.

Mmm, some are from a tree, yes.

A fancy tree?

One of the fanciest, Mac.

Which one?

You ever have a pine nut?

- Just give us the information, please.
- Which one is...

Fine.

But first I want you guys
to hear about my business idea.

No. You can stay here
one night, okay?

But I don't want to hear
your goddamn business idea

'cause I don't care.
Now tell us the Frank thing.

Fine.

Frank only lent
you guys the money

'cause he thinks
you're gonna fail.

In fact, he wants you to fail.

See, he's what you would
call a predatory lender,

and he's simply taking
advantage of you guys.

- Son of a bi... Son of...
- Okay, okay.

- All right, stop-stop talking.
- Son of a bitch.

- Just stop-stop talking. I get it.
- Frank.

This is a classic
inflation-interest play.

But I'll tell you something,

Frank's not the only one

who can be a predatory lender.

I say we pivot.

I say we don't sell people
these inflatables.

We rent them to them.

Well... he's hanging on.

Doesn't sound like it.

Ow, ow.

Rise and shine, Dee.

- What time is it?
- It's 4:00 in the morning.

We got to go. We got work to do.

Just grab anything small.

Lamps are good 'cause
they're easy to run with.

Hold on a second.
Are we robbing this place?

- Huh?
- Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

You haven't paid your rent

in three months, you deadbeat.

You can't come in here
and take my shit.

Oh, you want it back?
Well, then pay your rent.

I'm getting my gun.

Go for it, bitch!
We got bulletproof vests on!

Oh, no, I don't. I don't
have a bulletproof vest.

Relax, these guys are always
bluffing. Grab stuff.

Frank, no. What is happening?
You're a slumlord now?

Yes, I collect on these guys,

and if they don't pay,

I throw 'em out on the street,
like I did you.

What? You're my landlord?

Yeah, I got tired of paying
your rent all those years,

so I bought the building.

Why did you raise the rent?

Inflation.
I got to increase my nut.

- Goddamn it.
- Oh, he's hot.

Oh, shit.

Relax, they never shoot.

Ah, time to go.

Pay your rent, you deadbeat.

Dennis, it's, like,
a little too windy.

I feel like we got to weigh
all this stuff down, man.

Nah, it's fine, it's fine.

Also, I got to talk to you about
this Internet money, dude,

because this guy does not know
what he's sitting on, man.

- He's a chump, dude, it's...
- Charlie, Charlie.

Stop trying to
talk business, all right?

- It's just not your strong suit, all right?
- Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Oh, here comes a customer.
Here, let me do the talking.

Hi, sir. Hi, how are you today?

It's a lovely day, isn't it?

- A little windy.
- A little breezy, yeah.

Yeah, a little breezy.
But, uh, anyway,

are you here
to buy some furniture?

Yes, I am.

- Okay, great.
- Good, good.

Hey, listen, what if I told you

you could get
your furniture for free?

Yeah, see, times are
very inflatable right now, okay?

Yeah, stop, stop.

Have you ever considered
owning an inflatable couch?

Oh, yeah, I don't have
a pool, so...

- A pool?
- Yeah, for the...

- Oh, no, no, no, I see, I see the confusion.
- Oh-oh.

- No, we're talking about for inside.
- Yeah, inside your house.

Oh. What?

- Like, how much do you currently rent your couch for?
- Yeah.

I-I don't rent my couch.

What?

You pay
full price for your couch?

That's outrageous.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, no.

- Goddamn it.
- Yeah.

I'm telling you, man, you
have got to go to the hospital.

Oh, and spend the remainder
of our nut on medical bills?

I don't think so, Dennis.

I'll simply stop
blowing up the furniture.

It is not the furniture, Mac.
Okay? It is the nuts.

Dee, what the hell
are you doing here?

Guys, I have information

that will change
the course of your company,

and I will tell you what it is
if you let me stay here.

Yeah, no, Charlie
already tried that shit.

- I did that move, yeah.
- Yeah.

He, he did this.

Yeah. Uh, Dee, why are you
gluing your hand to the wall?

- I mean, it's no way to solve a problem.
- Yeah.

Yeah, guys, please,

I have a solution to
all of our problems,

but you got to
let me talk, okay?

Now, you guys are all
completely over-leveraged,

and that's the problem,
right? My investment,

this thing was only, like,
ten dollars a unit,

then it, like, dropped down
to basically nothing,

because it's a
speculative market, right?

I'm making a bet that
the SEC's not gonna regulate.

Of course, regulation's
gonna come in at some point,

it always does, but right now
it's completely unregulated.

Now, I'm not talking about
getting out over our skis,

I'm just talking about making
an investment tonight,

turn it around tomorrow...
We'll net double.

Holy shit.

- That's money talk.
- Yeah.

- That's money talk.
- Where did you learn to talk like that?

Living with Frank, man.
I've been trying to tell you

that I'm picking up
on this stuff. So, look, guys,

let's pool all of
our remaining nut together

and turn it into
a big pile of green,

and then everybody gets a taste.

Okay, I didn't love
the sound of that, but, uh...

Was it unclear?
I was talking about, like,

a huge pile of green, like,
and everyone is, like,

- Money talk?
- Slurping that shit down.

Let's do it.

- Bam.
- Oh, wow.

- I've got a lot of questions.
- Yeah, me, too.

Sure, sure. Go ahead.

Now, Charlie, did you take...

all of my money...

- Mm-hmm.
- And invest it in a box

full of Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle Pies?

Yes. Very good, Dennis.
Very good.

I wasn't sure you knew
what they are.

Yeah, so these are,
like, from 1991.

These are
the original ones, right?

Super hard to find,
super valuable, super rare.

- Are they?
- Oh, dude, big time. Right? So, here's what I'm thinking.

Could we turn
these around tonight

and make a little profit?
Sure, but I say

we sit on them.
Maybe we eat one or two.

This is exactly what
I was worried about.

Well, you're not thinking
big picture here.

- No, I'm thinking big pic...
- All right, loan's due.

First installment.

And I'm armed

and I got a vest,
so don't try nothing.

What do you got there?

1991's delicious cream-filled

Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle Pies,

fresh from the sewers to me.

Are they made from real turtle?

Probably.

How much you want for 'em?

They're not for sale, Frank.

Uh, mine... mine are for sale.

I own some of those, and mine
are definitely for sale.

He has a very
minimal share, Frank.

Ah.

Market dictates
the value, Charlie.

Well...

not when your demand
is more than

the supply.

Fine, I'll get 'em
somewhere else.

Will you?

Oh, I don't think so, Frank.

Oh... uh-oh.

'Cause I bought the last
remaining ones there are.

No...

Nice work.

And you kept it crypto.

You should have
listened to me, Frank.

Fine.

Name your price.

Board up that new room
and the noisy toilet,

forgive Mac and Dennis's loan,

give Dee her apartment back,

and return everything
to the status quo.

That's too big a ask.

That's inflation, Frank.

You want the pies or not?

Fine. Done.

Good work, Charlie.

Thank you very much, Frank.

I appreciate it.

Are you still eating the nuts?

Hmm?

Does he want to get to
the hospital or to Costco?

- Costco.
- He wants more nuts.

Costco, yeah.

You know what, buddy?
I think we'll take you

to the hospital, and they'll
have nuts, and you can...

you can die there.