It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 8 - The Gang Carries a Corpse Up a Mountain - full transcript

MAC: Mmm. This stew is really
doing it for me now.

DENNIS: Well, yeah,
'cause you're using it as food,

instead of using it
as a reviving mechanism.

Look, there's that truck again.

Oh, goddamn it.
Are you telling me

there's gonna be obnoxious
Americans on this hike?

'Cause that's the last thing
I want to see.

Hey, you guys, wait up a second.

Oh, Frank, why are you carrying
all that stuff, man?

- We're going on a day hike.
- Nah, I just want to make sure

Charlie realizes
I'm still useful, uh, you know,

in case he or Shelley needs
a drink or something to eat.

You got piss in that canteen?

No, I got Gatorade
in that canteen.

The other one's got the piss
in case things go bad.

Oh, there he is.

- [wind whistling]
- Oh.

- MAC: Charlie!
- DENNIS: Hey.

MAC:
Yo, pal.

- Charlie.
- Oh, hello.

I see you all fell for my ruse.

What ruse?
You asking us to go on a hike

with your dad,
and us saying "yes"?

Oldest trick in the book.

Asking someone to do something?

Exactly.

And then, them doing it?

- Precisely, yes.
- FRANK: Wait a minute.

Where-Where's Shelley?
You said he was coming with us.

Oh, yeah.
No, Shelley's coming with us.

He's going on a hike
all the way up the mountain.

Only thing is,
he can't really walk,

so we're gonna have
to carry him.

- Oh. - What?
- Ugh.

You know, no offense, Charlie,
but Shelley's fat as shit.

Oh, no offense taken, Dennis,
because he is fat as shit,

but, um, he won't really mind us
saying that because he's dead.

What? What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm talking
about Shelley Kelly, my dad.

He's dead.

Oh. Shit.

[♪]

- This is crazy.
- No, it's not that crazy, Mac.

All right? Look, it's a
Kelly family burial tradition.

We're just gonna carry the man
to the top

of the mountain, and then we're
gonna chuck him over the side.

I-I'm not gonna do that.

Yeah, you know what?
I-I'm not doing it, either.

But not because
I don't think it's awesome.

I think... I think
it's totally awesome.

I just am a little worried
about my back.

- Your back?
- Your back? You've always said

that your back has the symmetry
of the Vitruvian man,

and it's the foundation
of your structural essence.

Yeah, well, why would I want
to ruin my essence, Mac?

I'm not doing it.

Look, guys, the men of my family
have been doing this

for thousands of years,
and it's really important to me

that we keep
this tradition going, okay?

Now I hate to say this, you
know, but it is an emergency.

So I'm just gonna
blurt it right out.

Bros before hoes.

Uh, he's right.
Bros before hoes.

- Yeah, he's got us.
- Oh, my God. Yeah.

Bros before hoes, guys.

That doesn't fit here.
Bros before hoes?

What does that have to do
with anything?

That's sort of
a catch-all, Dee.

Okay, let's just grab a piece

of the bag,
and we'll get it over with.

This is gonna suck,
but let's just...

Bros before hoes.
Bros before...

Bros before hoes. Come on.

- And hoes, too.
- Ugh.

[♪]

[thunder rumbles]

[♪]

- Hey.
- Oh, there's got to be a better way.

Isn't there, like, a sled
or a wagon or something?

No, they didn't slide
my ancestors up the hill.

They didn't wagon them.
They carried them.

Guys, I-I got to be honest.

I'm-I'm getting a little worried
about my back here.

Um, can I suggest something?

What if we burn the body
and carry the ashes up the hill?

- No, no.
- I could consecrate them.

Look, no one is going to torch
or consummate all over my dad.

Yeah, we're here for Charlie.

Charlie, you hungry?
You want a snack?

I got egg, or you want a...?
Want-want some GORP?

Or how about a... how
about a wine spritzer?

DEE: Ooh!

- I'll take a spritzer.
- Bros before hoes, Dee.

Frank, can I please have
a white wine spritzer?

- No, no, they're for Charlie.
- DENNIS: Charlie...

Charlie, order me
a wine spritzer, please.

All right, one spritzer
for Mac, please, Frank.

Well, Charlie,
order me one then.

Well, it is bros before hoes,

and not all of the bros
have been spritzed.

- Let's spritz Dennis, Charlie.
- I don't really want one.

Uh, guys,
can I suggest something else?

Uh, what-what if we, uh...?
Now bear with me here.

- What if we chop the body up?
- Come on.

And we carry it in pieces,
right? Or-or melt it somehow.

- Like you did to Dee's doctor guy?
- Well, what?

- Frank, shut up, man.
- Why? You didn't tell her?

- Tell me what?
- Ha. Well, well, that doctor showed up

at the castle,
and you weren't there,

so Dennis poured hot oil
on him.

- Charlie, you sure you don't want to...
- What?!

- [Mac mumbles]
- Shut up! Come on!

- Come on.
- Can we please not drop my dad?

What is he talking about,
Dennis?

Don't worry about it, Dee.
Come on.

It-it wasn't even that hot.

Did you use the murder hole?

Dee, don't get mad at me, okay?

The guy showed up,
and you weren't there.

What was I supposed to do?

- Oh, I don't know. Not scald him!
- Oh, come on.

You weren't there to enjoy him
so I enjoyed him,

per the castle's wishes.

Are you still talking
to the castle?!

I thought
that was a COVID thing!

- Oh, Dee, let it go. Let it go!
- Uh.

Oh, my God, I cannot
believe this. I am out of here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You can't go.

You-you killed my dad
with your stupid banshee curse.

- My stupid what?
- That's why he died.

Every Kelly saw a banshee
right before he died.

My dad saw you,
so, you got to be here.

- Charlie, banshees aren't real!
- Ow!

- Is that it? Is that what it was?
- Yes, that could be it.

- Oh, you!
- All right, you know what? Fine.

Go. We don't even need you.
We were probably gonna throw you

- from the top anyway!
- I thought about it.

- Did you think about?
- I did, too. God.

- I was thinking about it, too, yeah.
- Yeah, well, you got

- to play it safe, you know? You never know.
- Got to be sure.

- What if she's a witch?
- BOTH: What if she's a witch?

[♪]

CHARLIE:
Hey, Frank, you okay, there?

- FRANK: I'm ok... yeah.
- CHARLIE: I got you. Step.

FRANK:
I see it. [Groans]

CHARLIE:
There we go.

- The corner here.
- DENNIS: Yeah.

MAC:
I hate to admit it,

but this is a lot heavier
without Dee.

- How much weight was she bearing?
- I don't know.

Well, it's that monstrous spine
of hers, you know?

The scoliosis hardened it
into petrified wood,

unlike my back which is
pretty much all muscle.

Whoa. Whoa.

- Oh! You all right?
- You-you okay?

Yeah. I'm good. I'm good.

- I just...
- Well, what did... what did you trip on?

Um, I don't know. Just something
on the ground or something.

Hey, let me jump
back in there, yeah?

Well, w-wait a second.
Did you guys notice

that the body didn't get heavier
when Dennis let go?

No. If anything,
it feels lighter.

Significantly lighter.

That's odd. Uh...

well, I don't know how something
like that could possibly happen.

What-what would explain
something like that? You...

Could it be maybe
the banshee curse? Does it have

- something to do...?
- Were you not carrying it?

Not carr...
What are you talking about, man?

Not carrying it?
Yeah, I was carrying it.

- Why did it get lighter?
- Oh, my God.

It looks like he was
dragging his feet back here.

- Were you hanging on it?
- No! - He must have

tripped and lost his grip,
and that's how he fell.

- Oh, goddamn it!
- You were taking a ride?

- You weren't even holding it.
- Oh, no. Come on, dude.

Wait. Time out.
Time out, guys.

Can we please not make
dropping my dad a thing? Right?

If you get frustrated,
just place the man down, okay?

I'm sorry. I get frustrated,
I throw. I don't...

All right, listen, listen, guys.
Yes, fine.

Yeah, I was hanging on the bag
a little bit. You know, just

from moment to moment, you know,
just a tiny, tiny bit, okay?

I was trying to decompress
my Vitruvian spine. I'm sorry!

I told you guys it was something
I was worried about.

Guys, we got bigger
problems than this.

How are we gonna get that
up thathill?

- [Mac sighs, whistles]
- CHARLIE: Ugh.

- All right, well...
- DENNIS: Ooh, that's steep.

It's gonna suck, but we'll just
have to carry it.

Okay, well, hold on a second,
Charlie. Let's think about this.

Now, while I do not approve
of Dennis riding your dead dad,

I-I think we have
to think about this

from a...
an engineering perspective.

Now as a Dutch man,
I think I would

look at this the way I would
think of a windmill or a dam.

Cool. How's a windmill
gonna help us?

I haven't been Dutch long enough
to know.

Well, if we had
a really giant windmill,

we could just
blow him up the hill.

- We could blow him up the hill.
- Oh, giant windmill

- could blow him up. Good.
- Oh, yeah. Huh.

Do you have your giant windmill
in your bag?

Hold on a second. Let...

Let me suggest something else.

Uh, what if we, uh...

what if we slide him up
the steep part of the hill?

- Uh...
- Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Frank, do you have a tent
in that bag?

Yeah I got a tent.
I got a tent.

- Oh, how's that for being resourceful, Charlie?
- Oh, okay.

- Okay, okay.
- Now, well, look, this-this is good!

Now-now, Charlie,
we're still honoring your dad.

- Right.
- We're just sliding him up this one section. That's it!

[sighs]
All right, fine.

We'll slide the man up the hill,
just this part.

But then, we'll go back
to carrying him!

All of us, please.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Pop the tent out. Let's get it. Let's get it.
- Dude, help me

- with this thing. You got to... you got to...
- I got it.

- Keep it on. I'll just get it out of here.
- Okay.

ALL:
One, two, three. [Grunting]

ALL: One, two, three. [Grunting]

One, two, three.
[grunting]

[all panting]

- One, two, three.
- Two, three.

[all grunting, muttering]

- And now, yes!
- Oh!

- All right, all right, boys.
- Ah, that worked out good!

[Frank chuckles] - [Dennis
and Mac whoop] - I got to say, too,

- that still felt respectful.
- That wasn't so bad. - Ah.

Guys, I actually feel like

that was a back-strengthening
exercise for me.

- Awesome!
- All right, good.

- Let's just take a rest here, all right?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Want a GORP? Anybody into GORP?
- ALL: Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Let me get it out. Let me get it out.

- Let's get some GORP.
- All right, get it out.

- Maybe, guys, let's have a couple of spritzers.
- Spritzers!

Who wants one? Spritzer for Mac,
spritzer for Dennis.

I-I got spritzers,
yeah, I got spritzers.

Then we'll get this
old bitch up the hill.

- All right. Oh.
- Ah, this is gonna be good.

- Oh! - Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God.

ALL:
Whoa.

- FRANK: Oh.
- [body thudding]

Oh. Oh.

- Okay, that's my bad.
- Oh.

Okay. That is, uh...

That's gonna be a mess
inside that bag, guys.

Oh, yeah. That's one big sack
of Irish stew.

- Phew.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay, all right.

Okay, that-that... This isn't
a problem. All right, I...

What do you say
we go back down there,

and we dump out whatever liquid
is probably in that body bag,

and then, that'll-that'll
lighten the load?

- Okay, yeah. That works for me, yeah.
- Okay.

And-and then we can carry it up,
no problem!

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right.

I'm starting to see myself as
more of a problem solver. I...

I-I think that actually could be
a new identity.

I'm gonna put that
on the list.

You guys are gonna want
to hear this.

So, uh, uh, Dutch first.

Dutch first, then gay,
then problem solver.

Now could you repeat that back
to me? 'Cause I think...

Oh, dude, shut up! Oh, my God!

All right, you're Irish, Mac.

- Yeah. You're not Dutch.
- What?

You're Irish. Right,
but we knew you were gonna be

so goddamn annoying about it
on the trip,

and that it was gonna be
the only thing you talked about,

so we paid your mom to tell you
you were Dutch.

It cost us a couple of loosies.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, your mom does not like you, dude.

Yeah, but, I mean,
Luther Vandross? Mac, really?

- Luther Vandross?
- [laughs] Come on, Mac.

But somehow it's been
even worse! You're talking

about your identity even more.
I can't believe it.

Why would you do that?

And by the way... the tattoo?
The... Can we talk about that...

- The shamrock tattoo?
- That was...

- You want to see it?
- No, I don't want

- to see it, goddamn it! Listen. What?
- No!

You're getting rid
of all the other tattoos

- and not the worst tattoo?
- You're keeping the shamrock?

- I want it gone. We want it gone!
- It's a bad tattoo, Mac!

- Yeah, get rid of the shamrock.
- So, you-you thought you'd just

- unravel my entire identity?
- Nothing's unraveled!

- We didn't unravel anything!
- You're still you!

- You've always been you!
- Fine. You know what?

You-you-you take
that liquid-meat body bag,

and youget it
up the goddamn hill

by yourself, 'cause I'm out.

- Is he gonna get rid of the tattoo?
- He's not gonna get

rid of it. Are you getting rid
of the tattoo?

Are you gonna get rid
of the tattoo?

I'm gonna get another shamrock
tattoo on the other leg!

- Don't you dare!
- Oh, I'm gonna do it!

Don't you dare get
another shamrock tattoo,

- you son of a bitch!
- [sighs]

[♪]

[bird screeches]

- Ah, goddamn it!
- All right.

Nobody admit this to Mac, but...

- I feel like he was carrying a ton of weight.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- That would be another one of his annoying identities...

The man who could carry stuff.

Oh, God. Wait.
I got to take a break.

- All right.
- I got to take a break.

Yeah. [Groans] Guys, please,

just say,
"I got to take a break,"

then gen-gently place him down.

- Stop dropping him over and over again.
- [Frank pants]

Look, this
isn't working, okay?

Look, you don't want
to burn the guy?

Fine. Personally,
I don't understand it,

but there are other solutions
to this problem, okay?

Let's just chop the body up.
It's already mangled.

Come on, man!
Look, I'm just trying to get him

to the top of the mountain,
as per his wishes.

He lived a hard enough life.

You know, he slaved away as
a cheese monster, or whatever.

He died with his lungs filled
with fluid,

he was gasping for air.

You know,
the-the least we can do

is send him off
with some dignity.

Wait a second. What did you say?
How did your dad die?

Died from a banshee curse,
you know this.

No, no, no, what was the thing

about his lungs being filled
with fluid?

Well, yeah. When I got him
to the hospital,

the doctor said his lungs
were all filled with fluid,

and he couldn't really breathe,
and then they tried to get him

on a respirator, but there
wasn't enough time... he died.

- Ah.
- Well, buddy, that sounds like COVID!

COVID?! But so-so the poor guy's
dying from a banshee curse,

and now he's got to deal with
COVID on top of everything else?

Did you give him COVID, Dennis?

Me?! I never even interacted
with the man.

I was behind a stone wall
and a painting that night.

What, do you think
I'm shooting COVID laser beams

out of my eyeballs?

Well, look,
I don't know how it works,

but you're the only one
who didn't get vaccinated.

I mean, I got the shot,
Frank got the shot.

The shot? The government shot?
I didn't do that.

What?
You're-you're not vaccinated?

Oh, yeah, I'm fully vaccinated.

I-I got the non-shot kind.

What non...? There is no
non-shot kind, Frank.

Of course there is!
The-the-the hydro pills

and the...
and the bleach, and the...

the horse dewormer.
The-the president's stuff!

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Ah, Jesus.

Why would you not
take the shot?

Where they put the thing
in your arm with the chip,

and it goes inside your body?

I heard the nerd
on the island talk about them.

That once they get that thing
inside of you,

they can control your thoughts.

They take your thoughts,

download 'em,
put 'em into a manatee.

- You know what I mean?
- What is he talking about?

- Why is he talking about manatees?
- They...

Guys, this is what I'm learning,
okay? I had COVID,

I gave it to Frank,
Frank gave it to your dad.

Frank killed your dad.

- Goddamn it!
- Well, wait-wait a minute.

To be fair, COVID killed
your dad. I just gave it to him.

Okay. Well,
this is insane. This is insane!

All right? You know what?
I'm out of here.

Screw this, I can't do this.
[Groans] - You're leaving?

Oh, God. [Yelling]

- There it... there it is!
- Ah.

Goddamn it! This is exactly what
I was worried about. [Groaning]

It's the end
of the Vitruvian era! It's over!

Goddamn! Goddamn!
My essence has...

been ruined by tiny cars,
castle beds and...

Goddamn. I hate
this godforsaken country!

- Ah, man!
- Hey, he's probably faking it.

Yeah.

Uh, look,

I'm sorry
if I gave your dad COVID.

I mean, if that's the case.

I mean, we don't have proof.

It's kind of
like the Epstein thing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, all right. Look, Frank, you can stop.

I forgive you, all right?

A Kelly always forgives.

- Uh, the men that is, not-not women so much.
- Hmm.

For what it's worth,
I'm sorry I'm not your real dad.

Thanks, Frank.
I'm kind of sorry, too.

But don't you worry.

I'll always be there for you.
I'll always have your back.

Yeah.

- You thirsty?
- Yes.

Oh, here.
Try some of this Gatorade.

- Thank you.
- There you go.

[coughs]
Aah!

- Whoa!
- Is that piss?

Oh! That's not supposed
to be the piss one!

- Why do you have a piss one?
- Well, here, here, here.

- Why is there always a piss one with you?
- Oh, give me that.

- Wash it out with Gatorade.
- Goddamn it, Frank!

- [groans]
- Ooh. Huh?

That's piss, too!

- Oh, no!
- Well, what the fuck?

Oh, I must have got confused
and pissed in 'em both.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Goddamn it, dude.

I got you a spritzer!
How about a spritzer?

I don't want
a fucking spritzer!

- Oh! Mac drank all the spritzers.
- Goddamn it, Frank.

- Why do you have canteens full of piss?
- I... No.

Why is it always something crazy
with you? Goddamn it!

Look, I'm gonna do it alone.
I don't need your help. Just go!

- No, Charlie.
- Just go!

- I don't need your help, Frank!
- Hey, don't go!

Charlie!

[♪]

[thunder rumbles]

[Charlie groaning]

[upbeat Irish music playing]

- I hate this place.
- It's the worst!

If there is anything
I have learned

from this godforsaken rock,

it is that I never want to see
any of you assholes ever again!

Oh, Dee, don't worry about it,
because as soon as I figure out

who or what I am,
you'll never see me again!

- You're Irish. - You're Irish.
- You are Irish!

- You are Irish!
- You're an Irishman!

- [Mac mutters]
- Shh!

[Dee gasps]

You... are screaming!

Haven't you noticed
that everyone else

in here is speaking
at a normal volume?

Shut up!

Shut up. Shut up.

- You listen to me, you bitch.
- Get her, banshee.

I will speak
at whatever volume I choose,

and if you don't like it,
you can suck

my big fat dick!

One volume? For every single
person in the whole wide world?

That's socialism,
and I won't stand for it!

We should be able to speak

at whatever volume
we identify with!

Because that is
the American way!

But you are notin America!

We areAmerica, sweetheart!

And we carry our country
with us wherever we go!

Because we love her!
And when you love someone,

you can't bear
to leave 'em behind!

Not ever!

[bagpipes play "Amazing Grace"]

[thunder rumbles]

[grunting]

[thunder crashes]

[grunts]

Aah! Aah!

Goddamn it!

I can't do this!

I'm sorry, Dad.

I can't do it.

This isn't fair.

I shouldn't have
to carry you up this hill.

You never carried meup a hill.

You never picked me up
from school.

You didn't read me
bedtime stories.

You didn't carry me
on your shoulders.

You didn't bounce me on...
You weren't there!

[crying]:
And I needed you!

I needed you there.

You were supposed to carry me!

You were supposed
to carry me.

[crying]

[♪]

Ah, Frank's right.
I'm glad you're dead.

I'm glad you're dead.

Now I don't have
to spend the rest of my life

waiting for youto pick meup.

[car horn tooting]

[car horn playing
"The Star-Spangled Banner"]

[engine revving]

[tires squeak]

- Hey, buddy!
- Charlie! - Charlie!

I'm so sorry
that I killed your dad!

But I'm even more sorry
that we left you behind!

We should have never
left you, buddy!

We should have never
left America!

- FRANK: We should have...
- Yeah! I miss Philly.

Let's go home!

- Yeah.
- I may be Irish, but I'm American Irish first!

How did you get the truck?

The American way. I threw
a lot of cash at the owner.

- DENNIS [chuckling]: Yeah.
- Come on.

Let's put him in the back and
throw your dad off the cliff!

- [whooping, clamoring]
- Let's go! Come on, Charlie!

- DEE: Come on!
- FRANK: Yeah!

ALL:
One. Two. Three.

- DENNIS: Ooh!
- MAC: Oh!

- Oh.
- Oh, shit.

- Okay, uh...
- Ooh.

It was supposed
to go in the water.

Maybe they usually do this
at high tide.

- DEE: They probably did, yeah.
- MAC: Oh.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Well, the birds will get him.

- Okay.
- Yeah, but should we try to scramble our way down there

and throw him in the water?

- Eh...
- We could, but...

But there's a bunch
of kids down there.

- Oh, there's kids!
- Are there kids? Oh, shit. - Yeah.

- Oh, that's good, then. They'll find the body.
- Ah, yeah.

- Well, that's nice. Okay.
- And they'll call the cops.

It-It'll be sort of like
a Stand by Mesituation.

- Yeah. - Might be fun for them.
- Oh, yeah, it'll be good.

All right, you know what, guy?
Here's what I'm feeling.

Forget this dude.
He was a deadbeat, right?

- Can we just go home?
- Yes.

- Thank you, Charlie.
- Let's go home. - Right? Yeah.

- Yeah, let's go. Let's go.
- Yes.

You want... you want
to get some stew?

- God, no. That stew's gross.
- Yeah, man. - Stew?

- Oh, it is kind of nasty.
- Yeah.

You guys want
to go to McDonald's?

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Oh. Oh, McDonald's.
- [others clamoring]

USA!

ALL:
USA! USA!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

["Born in the U.S.A."
by Bruce Springsteen playing]

♪ Born down
in a dead man's town ♪

♪ The first kick I took was
when I hit the ground ♪

♪ End up like a dog
that's been beat too much ♪

♪ Till you spend half
your life just coverin' up ♪

♪ Now, born in the U.S.A. ♪

♪ I was born in the U.S.A. ♪

♪ I was born
in the U.S.A. ♪

♪ Born in the U.S.A. now,
got in a little... ♪

[trio chanting backwards]

[SCREECHES][NARRATOR READING]

I want to go
somewhere exotic.

[LAUGHS] Ireland, baby!

NARRATOR: An all new season.

Do you mind if I go sample
some of your jellies?

[GAGGING]

A banquet... What?

[GAGGING]Ew.

Of humiliation...[ALL EXCLAIMING]

And murder. Wait, what?

[ALL SCREAMING]

All right. This is why
Irish people hate Americans.

[NARRATOR READING]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

COLIN ROBINSON: Everything
you want to know about vampires,

it's right here.[HISSING]

- I'm in love.
- LASZLO: She's half-chicken.

[CLUCKING]Nobody's perfect.

LASZLO: Bat!

MAN: Cash or card?

I will not be paying
for anything. Got it.

NANDOR: They have wellness
vampires now.

[80's MUSIC PLAYING]Stretch those hammies!

Feel the burn!

She has changed my life.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

No one has seen
a stolen food truck, would ya?

Um... no.

Someone stole a truck.
Broad daylight.

MAN: Put your seatbelt on. Seatbelt?

Put your seatbelt on
or we're not leaving. Jeez!

MAN: Your good thieves.
Best in town.

Thank you.

It is a small town.

It is hard to be a warrior
with dignity.

[SCREAMS]
[COUGHS]