It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 7 - Dee Sinks in a Bog - full transcript

- [Irish music playing]
- DEE: Dennis.

Wake up, buddy.

Smell the stew, okay?

Breathe in the arousing aromas

of this delicious st...
Ah, screw it.

- [screaming]
- [laughs]

What the hell was that?
That's hot as shit.

Yeah, yeah, that's
a whole bowl of stew

you took right in the grill.

See? It does wake people up.

[grunts]

Why am I in a hospital? [Spits]

And why is your head still on?
Did they reattach it?

Left the skin
pretty loose, I see.

You didn't behead me,
you stupid idiot.

You had a 105-degree fever,

and you were hallucinating.

You were too weak
to even lift the ax.

You did collapse
and shit yourself

and stink up the whole castle.

You know, Dee, I, uh...

I'm starting to think
I might have had COVID.

- Oh, yeah? You think?
- Yeah.

Mr. Reynolds, you're finally up.

What is that?

- It's stew. What's the update, man?
- Stew.

Uh, okay. How are we feeling?

Uh, outraged, violated,

disgusted at the looseness
of my sister's neck,

covered in stew,

dragged from my castle
to a dingy hospital

where I'm about to be saddled
with an enormous bill.

Well, there is no bill.
It's free.

Ireland has public health care.

Oh, well, then that'll be fine.

It's free, huh?

Well, then maybe I ought
to get my neck done.

[laughter]

Yeah, your sister's a stitch.

Oh, yeah?
Have you heard the one

about the hot Irish doctor
who has a fling

with the hilarious
American tourist?

'Cause I could give you
the punch line

over drinks tonight, my place.

Uh, sure. Yeah, yeah.
Sounds great.

- Tonight it is.
- [Irish brogue]: Tonight it is.

Looks like mama's about to have

a little of the old
luck of the Irish.

[laughs]

["Pot of Gold"
by Christopher Beaty playing]

DEE: You know, I'm just so glad
you're feeling better,

Dennis, I really am.

Now, a couple quick things
about the castle,

I do need you to clear out
of here for the night.

- What?
- Mm.

Dee, I haven't even begun
to do half the things

I want to do with this castle.

- Now you're asking me to leave?
- Yeah.

[Frank shouts] -
[gasps] - Oh, Christ!

Frankenstein in the house.

- Christ. What is this?
- What are you doing?

Just want to reconnect
with my kids.

Not you so much, more Dennis.

Like, you know,
father-son thing.

I mean, you know, it's one of
the strongest bonds there is.

- Come on. Give me a kiss.
- What are you doing?

- A kiss? [Stammers] No!
- Come on, give me a... lean down, give me a kiss.

Give your daddy a kiss.

No, no! God. Get your lips
away from me, Frank.

What?

- Cut the bullshit. What's your angle?
- What are you doing here?

Charlie's got a new dad.

A-a new dad?

- Weird.
- Yeah.

I want to humiliate the jerk.

I want to send
his Irish ass packing.

- He's jealous.
- Yeah.

Okay, well, listen, I-I don't
have any interest in the, uh,

interpersonal dynamics
between an old man

and his
roommate/surrogate adult son,

but if we can incorporate

the castle into it
in some way, then I'm in.

- Done.
- DEE: No.

- No.
- Yes.

Goddamn it, no!
You listen to me.

This trip has been absolutely
ruined because of you, okay?

And I have one chance tonight
to have a good time in Ireland,

so here is what
is going to happen,

I'm going to go down to the bog,
I'm going to gather peat moss

to burn it to try
and get rid of the shit smell

that Dennis stunk up
the castle with.

Do not be here when I get back.

Cool.

[chuckles]

She's... [chuckles]

- Bent out of shape.
- Yeah.

Well... just me and you, huh?

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

It's a little odd being
one on one, though, you know.

I feel, I feel like
we usually have a buffer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

GUS:
So, Mac,

when did you hear the call
to become a priest?

Oh, when God took away
my Irish identity

and made me Dutch to smite me
for the urges that He gave me

when I made the original sin
of being born.

That's not the way
God works, Mac.

He doesn't smite us.

Yes, He does. Yes, He does.
Remember the flood

that took out the whole world?

Remember? Then-then-then
Noah made that ark,

and he saved himself
but no women,

- which was really cool.
- [both laugh]

Not sure how he made
more people after that, though.

Could've been
another rib situation.

Either way, then God made
the Ark of the Covenant

where he promised
to never, ever do it again.

Then a bunch of people
looked at it.

He didn't like that,
so he blasted them, too.

Remember, the Nazis got
their faces all melted off,

and the-the guy with the whip
and the hat, he was cool.

I think you've mixed that
story up with Indiana Jones.

Oh. I did?

- Yeah, but listen...
- Oh.

Many of the stories
in the Bible are metaphors.

Parables with lessons.

What's the lesson of the
last one? Don't look at my shit?

Look, you're looking at this
all wrong.

The Bible is a guidepost.

Interpretations
can change over time.

They can?

Yes, and so can the Church.

Our God, the God we teach here,

is a merciful God.

One that loves us
for exactly who we are.

Otherwise, why would He have
made us that way

in the first place?

[chuckles]

Yeah.

Yeah. Wow.

Thanks, Gus.

SHELLEY:
That's John Patrick Kelly.

Killed by the plague.

And his son William,
also the plague.

And Michael Kelly.

He was attacked
by the village loon,

became a loon himself.

He died from eating rocks,
which he thought were eggs.

Oof. [Laughs] Yeah,
I've made that mistake, yeah.

So, are all
the Kellys buried here?

Uh...

Honored, yes. Buried, no.

They were all thrown
from a cliff into the sea.

You see, legend has it

that only when a man is thrown
from a cliff into the sea,

may his soul be released.

- Huh.
- When I pass, I'll have the same done for me.

All Kelly men must be thrown
from a cliff into the sea.

Wow.

- That's pretty cool.
- Yeah.

Yeah. What about the women?

Oh, the women are thrown
from a cliff as well.

Mostly alive.

[stammers] Just to see
if they can fly,

as they're presumed
to be witches.

Right. Right.

Well, we...
we honor their spirits.

Ah, yes, their spirits
watch over us. The men, that is.

Ah.

The women roam the land

as terrible hags and banshees

whose wailing warns
of impending death.

If you ever see

a gruesome woman

covered in filth

with long, stringy hair,

who's horribly shrieking

in the night,

the end is near.

[sighs]

Whoa.

I mean, how am I supposed
to know what peat is?

What am I, a botanist?

Hey-o. I'll burn you.

Be like lighting a match.
That works.

- [phone buzzing]
- Oh.

Hey-o. That's my guy.

A selfie, huh? You got it.

[phone camera clicks]

Oh, goddamn it.

Dennis got me all worked up
about my neck.

Here.

[phone camera clicks]

I mean, that's just insane.

Maybe if I stand back
a little bit.

Let's see here.

- Oh!
- [phone camera clicks]

[coughs] Ew.

Oh, shit.

[grunting]

Oh... Help!

Dennis!

Um, I...

This is crazy,
but I think I'm stuck.

[bog bubbling]

Am I sinking?

Oh, shit, I'm sinking.

Yes.

Yes.

You're right.

Huh? Who you talking to?

Hmm? Oh, uh, nothing.
It's just the-the castle.

The castle?

- Oh.
- Yeah, don't worry about it.

- Yeah, no.
- Okay, we've got it.

- What?
- It'll be a dinner.

- Hmm?
- A banquet of humiliation.

Wait a minute.
The old turd in the soup trick.

- What? No. We're not...
- Turd in the soup.

We're not putting a turd
in someone's soup, Frank, okay?

Can we be a little bit more
sophisticated than that?

All right, so you invite them
to a classy dinner.

You wine and dine the man

while also pointing out
all of his character flaws,

and then you lure him over

to the castle's murder hole.

Is that like a-a glory hole?

A predecessor to
the glory hole, perhaps.

It's a discreet opening
concealed in plain sight,

except, instead of for sex,

it's used for murder.

- [laughs]
- [whoops]

- You didn't see that there, did you?
- No.

No. [Laughs] Yeah, so you'll

lure him under the hole,

where I will, uh,
douse him with boiling oil

or hot tar or really
any scalding substance.

Wait, you're gonna char the guy?

[laughs]
Yeah.

- Gonna char him up?
- Yeah.

I'm not gonna kill him
or anything, but it's-it's

got to be hot enough
to be annoying as shit, right?

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah. Burn him.

Uh, he's gonna get burned.

But, I mean, Charlie's got
to see him lose his cool,

so we can expose him

as the child-abandoning monster
that he really is.

- Exactly.
- Oh, FYI,

I'll know exactly when to pour
the boiling substance on him

because I'm going to be hiding
in this passageway here.

I'm gonna take this painting,

cover up the passageway.

I'm gonna cut out the eyeholes

so I can see everything
that's happening.

That's something
I've always wanted to do,

and it fully takes advantage
of the castle.

It also happens to be
the castle's preference

for how this
is all gonna go down.

- Oh, right.
- Yeah.

Wow. I wouldn't have been able

to think of this
all by myself. I...

I mean... You know,

the sickness and anger
inside of you is diabolical.

- Way to go, son.
- Well...

I suppose all of your years
of neglect

and misdeeds

have allowed me to harness
the darkness inside me

and to unleash it

without conscience, so...

Yeah, perhaps I owe you a...

thanks for making me the man
I am today, Frank. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, y...
Maybe I'll just, um...

- There.
- Oh.

Was that okay to do?

Yeah, it was nice.

Good.

So, you're telling me

that the whole
Cain and Abel thing

didn't actually happen?

Metaphor.

This is all so confusing.

Yes, look... [sighs]

Our faith is...
it's complicated.

Can I admit something?

You said you were, you were
born a certain way.

- You're... different.
- Mm-hmm.

You have urges that,
traditionally,

the Church has been
very clear about.

Well...

I have those urges, too.

- You do?
- Yes.

I, too, have an eye
for the lads.

It's not uncommon.
There's nothing wrong with it.

It's who He made us.

But, uh, our path,

this path, is very clear.

We must never act
on those urges.

[sighs] That's gonna be
really hard for me.

That's what he said.

[both laugh]

That's-that's really good.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

It just slipped out.

- That's what he said.
- [both laughing]

Shh! Shh.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Help!

Oh, God, help.

- WOMAN: Hello?
- Hello!

- Hello?
- H-Hello!

- Hello...
- W-W-Waitress?

Oh... my God.

What the hell
are you doing out here?

What are you doing out here
with a toiletry bag?

Are you gonna brush your teeth
in a stream or something?

No. I was gonna shave my legs.

Ew. Gross.

Um, hey, can you help a girl out
and then get me of this bog?

Are you stuck in there?

Yeah.

- [both laugh]
- I know.

I also seem to be sinking.

- And, uh... I know.
- Uh-oh.

And I-I-I have a date tonight

with a real hot Irish doctor.

Is he meeting you here, or...?

You got me. No, no.
He's meeting me out there.

- I bet.
- So that's why I want

to get out of here.
I also don't want to die,

but, either way, could you p...
Just give me a big tug,

and I bet you could get me out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here.
I got you. Let me just...

- [sighs] You're a livesa...
- Grab my hand, and I'll... Psych!

- [laughs]
- "Psych"?

- Your face. I'm kidding. No, I got you.
- Okay.

- Psych! [Laughing]
- Oh...

Two times.

- I will get you.
- Hey, uh, well, just quick tip

for you, nobody does "psych"
anymore. It's kind of dumb.

- Oh, do they not?
- Nah, it's not funny, it's dumb.

- I feel like it's classic. I-I got you.
- Oh, you got me.

- You got me. I got you, and you got me.
- I got you.

Okay.

It's fun.
All right, here we go. Psych!

Oh, my God. Just...
Come on. Knock it off.

Cut the shit.
Get me out of here.

I will, I will, I will.
All you have to do is one thing.

Yes. Great. What?

Say my name.

Hmm?

Just say my name. What is it?

Oh, o... kay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- It's... That's easy.
- Okay.

Just, just give me,
give me a second.

GUS:
Well, Mac, this is it.

The end of a typical day
in my life.

It's modest, pious,

and somewhat dull,

but I can't imagine my life
any other way. [Chuckles]

- What do you think?
- Gus,

knowing that there's
somebody here

that's exactly like me
gives me the courage

to-to want to do it, too,
so tomorrow

I am going to join the seminary.

Grand! I am so happy for you.

And I must admit,
I'm happy for myself, too.

Having someone here

who knows how I feel
will help keep me

- on the straight and the narrow.
- Yes.

And no matter how strong
those urges get,

and they will be strong,

we must never, ever
give in to them

because we would get
kicked out of the Church.

- Good, good.
- Yes.

And we'll never, ever
leave each other alone

in the room with the wee lads.

Yes, and I also think...

Wait, what?

Or the wee lasses,
whatever you're into.

There's no judgment here.

And, of course, you know,
if you do slip up,

you'll go to a new parish,
they sort the family out,

have some chats, perhaps
some money changes hands,

perhaps not. No harm, no foul.

You come back, you're grand.

Uh...

Yeah, I'm gay.
What are you talking about?

Oh...

No. I'm gay. That's it.

I'm a gay man.

I'm a gay man who has trouble
controlling his...

urges with other

gay adult men,

and that's the end of it.

[sighs] Goddamn it.

[knocking]

Ah, welcome, welcome.
Come in, come in.

You're leaving us
waiting out there forever.

No, no, no. Come on in.

Welcome, welcome.
Shirley, let me take your coat.

Frank, his name is Shelley,
okay? You know this.

And you couldn't take
his coat if you tried, dude,

'cause it's buttoned
to his pants

in traditional Irish style.

I'm not wearing a coat.

Right, he's not even
wearing a coat, man.

All right, look, we brought
you this. We made it ourselves,

- with love.
- Mm.

You made cheese together?

Uh, well, personally,

I think cheese should be
sprayed out of a can,

but to each his own.

Yeah, well, normally
I would agree with you, Frank,

but Shelley's really opened
my eyes to a whole new world.

Oh, yeah? Well, that can
be very blinding.

But I'm sure,
by the end of the evening,

we'll all be seeing clear.

Let's sit down.

I don't like how you said that.
I don't like how he said that.

- Ah, yeah.
- Wow.

- Well, come on in.
- Cool.

- Wow. Okay.
- Yeah. - Very nice.

Put it right there.
Welcome. Sit down there.

- Went all out, huh?
- Shirley, you over there.

- Charlie, there.
- Here?

Welcome,
and thank you all for coming.

You know, it's been
a very trying time

with Charlie finding
his biological father,

who abandoned him
when he was a child, by the way.

Not judging, just the facts.

Okay, I can't really read the
tone of this dinner, you know?

It's very confusing.
You're being mean,

you're being nice.
What are you doing?

No, no, I-I want everybody
to be happy.

In fact, in the spirit of that,
I bought everybody a gift.

So, just look under
your seats, and you'll see

a nice gift for you.
Uh, Shelley, you go first.

- Oh.
- Oh, wow.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Very nice.

Swim goggles?

Yeah, they're good ones, too.

They'll protect your eyes
from any chlorine

or oils or any other hot liquid

that might come in contact
with your face.

That's, that's very kind
of you, Frank, yeah, thanks.

Yeah, Frank, I'm not seeing
a present for me.

No, no, no. [Stammers]

Just the one gift,
just for Shelley.

Eat up. Yeah. [Stammers]

Eat it while it's hot. It's, uh,

it's, uh, butternut squash soup.

And for the special guest,

there's a couple meatballs
in there.

DENNIS: Didn't put any
goddamn meatballs in that soup.

- Do you hear something?
- Yeah.

Oh, it's probably your stomach
grumbling from hunger.

Eat up before they get cold.

Oh, why don't I get
any meatballs?

Now, just for the special guest.
Eat up, Shel.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Don't eat that.

What's in the soup, Frank?

[stammers] Just butternut
squash. A simple soup.

Are the meatballs turds?

What? No, no, they're
homemade meatballs.

Shelley, eat 'em up
before they get cold.

- Go on. Go on.
- No, don't-don't-don't eat them.

- Go on, Shelley.
- Frank, you eat a meatball.

You want me to eat the meatball?

Yeah, just eat a meatball.
Eat one.

All right.

Grab a meatball, scoop it out.

[muffled, indistinct talking]

[muffled]:
Delicious.

Now, Shelley,
have, have a meatball.

CHARLIE:
No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, Shelley doesn't
want one yet.

- Chew it. Chew it.
- [grunts]

And then swallow it.

Chew it up.

- [retches]
- Oh! I knew it!

I knew it, Frank!

You're not trying to bring us
closer together,

you're trying to drive us apart!

I knew you couldn't host
a dinner without a motive.

You just can't do it.

All right, you got me. Okay?

I'm tired of you hanging out
with him the whole vacation.

I mean, all right, go ahead,

go, have your fun,

but when you get back to Philly,

I don't want to even hear
the name Shelley.

Well, I'm not coming back
to Philly, Frank!

[Dennis gasps]

I think there's another man
in this room.

Never mind him.
What'd you say, Charlie?

I said I'm not coming back,
Frank. I want to stay here.

I'm gonna stay here,

and I'm gonna work
in my dad's shop with him,

if-if that's all right with you.

Oh, that would make me
the happiest man in the world.

Well, you do that, and...
don't...

don't even think of coming back
because we're finished.

That's the end of it.

All right, Frank,
if that's how you feel,

we'll get out of your hair.
Come on, Dad.

I'm sorry about this.

Thanks for the goggles, Frank.

[groans]

Frank! What the hell was that?!

Charlie picked Shelley.

I... I'm talking about
the turd soup, man.

You know,
I'm starting to get caught up

in this whole
father-son thing, too,

but then you put a-a turd
in your mouth. I mean, my God.

He had me up against the wall.
What was I supposed to do?

Not eat a poopy.

[groans] Clementine? Valentine?

Diana? Denise?

Dennis? [Sputters] Dane?

Goddamn it. [Whimpers]

I've named every name
in the entire world.

How have I not gotten it yet?

Oh, no, no, no. You-you got it
a while back. It's just...

I'm really enjoying
watching you struggle.

[whimpers] You drunk bitch!

[groans]

Okay.

I'm gonna save you.

Unlike you,

I'm not a psychopath.

Oh, ugh, God. Okay.

[grunting]

- Okay. Oh... Oh, God.
- [sputtering]

Uh-oh, uh-oh. Now I'm in it.

Hold on. No. Oh.
Let go. No, let go!

- Yes, you're doing it.
- No, you're pulling me in.

- Yes.
- What are you doing?

- No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
- Thank you!

- It's working. You're doing it.
- You're pushing me under.

- You're doing it.
- Let me out.

- Oh, you are my hero.
- My legs are stuck.

- Oh, yes!
- Wait!

- Wait, wait, now I'm stuck.
- You're stuck?

I would suggest you don't move
'cause you're just

- gonna sink.
- Help me out.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna do that
'cause I got a date,

- but I'll come back.
- No, no, no.

- You can't leave me here.
- Great job!

Oh, you dirty bitch.

I'm gonna get out,
I'm gonna kill you.

- I'll be back after my date.
- I'll kill you.

Thank you so much.

[whimpers] Help!

I'm so sorry about Frank. I...

I can't believe he tried
to feed you shit.

I'll never forgive him for that.

Ah, Charlie,
it's good to forgive.

You know, a true Kelly

always puts things right
with the men in his life.

Yeah.

Not so much the women.

Thus, the curse of the banshees.

Right.

Help! Help! Help! Help!

Help!

DEE [distant]:
Help!

What is that?

[indistinct screaming]

Are you seeing that?
What is that?

[indistinct screaming continues]

[gasps]

What was that?

A banshee.

[Bernard Herrmann's "Prelude"
from Psychoplaying]

♪

[trio chanting backwards]

[SCREECHES][NARRATOR READING]

I want to go
somewhere exotic.

[LAUGHS] Ireland, baby!

NARRATOR: An all new season.

Do you mind if I go sample
some of your jellies?

[GAGGING]

A banquet... What?

[GAGGING]Ew.

Of humiliation...[ALL EXCLAIMING]

And murder. Wait, what?

[ALL SCREAMING]

All right. This is why
Irish people hate Americans.

[NARRATOR READING]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

No one has seen
a stolen food truck, would ya?

Um... no.

Someone stole a truck.
Broad daylight.

MAN: Put your seatbelt on. Seatbelt?

Put your seatbelt on
or we're not leaving. Jeez!

MAN: Your good thieves.
Best in town.

Thank you.

It is a small town.

It is hard to be a warrior
with dignity.

[SCREAMS] [COUGHS]

Brace yourselves.

Give me your best arguments.Sure.

WOMAN: Pop culture
is a religion.

Fire. [CHUCKLES]

You're in an era
where we worship celebrity.

Oh, and also...

Susie, shh!

I don't listen to people,
I listen to God.

It's constitutionally
guaranteed.

Oh, terrible.

I'm here
to present the future.

I posted that black square,
I deleted that black square,

I reposted the black square,

and then I redeleted
the black square.