It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 6 - The Gang's Still in Ireland - full transcript

CHARLIE:
Get the stew right up

‐under her nose.
‐MAC: Okay. Okay.

CHARLIE:
And let if waft up in..

MAC:
She keeps moving..

and her hair keeps getting
in the stew.

DENNIS:
Guys, hey, guys, guys.

You can stop.

Stew has never
woken anyone up, ever.

FRANK:
Here, give me‐give me stew.

‐I'll eat it.
‐CHARLIE: All right, fine.

But I feel like the stew...
No, see?

It's... Oh, it worked!
Here she comes!

‐Oh!
‐Hey, Dee!

‐Don't worry, Dee...
‐Hi, Dee. Was it the stew
that woke you up?

Ow. What happened?

Oh, don't worry.

We're, uh, safe and sound
in Patty's Pub.

What? We're back home?

‐Oh, no, no, no.
‐No.

‐It's, uh "Patty's" with a T.
‐CHARLIE: Yeah.

‐P‐A‐T‐T‐Y.
‐What is going on?

What‐what time is it?
What day is it?

Wait, did I miss the thing?

‐What thing? Oh, the show?
‐Uh, the acting thing?

‐Oh, yeah, you missed it.
‐Oh, oh, no.

‐No.
‐Did you still want to do that?

‐You still want to do...
That's not gonna happen.
‐Oh, no!

Oh, goddamn you.

You're not gonna be able to walk
back to the city

'cause we're way out in the...

(birds chirping)

(Christopher Beaty's
"Pot of Gold" playing)

What? No!

Oh, goddamn it!

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ ♪

I cannot believe you guys
did this to me.

Dee, can you please be grateful
about this experience?

I mean, take it in, will you?
Uh, here we are.

We're‐we're in
this charming little pub.

You can smell fresh peat grass
burning in the fireplace.

You know, well,
along with the, uh,

the evidence of Frank's
involvement

‐in a sex trafficking ring.
‐Alleged.

DENNIS:
Yeah, Dee, look,
you got to embrace this.

You know?
All you're doing is complaining.

This place is amazing.
(coughing)

With the exception
of all the sheep wool.

Is that bothering anybody else?

No, because we don't have COVID
like you do.

‐You're sick.
‐No, I don't have COVID.

Even the beer here sucks.

Will you look at this?
It's all foam.

What are you doing?

Oh. Sorry.

We‐we run our own bar,

‐so I forget and sometimes
I serve myself.
‐Huh.

‐I'm just gonna squeak by you.
‐Hmm.

Actually, while I got you here,
pal, can I ask you a question?

Do you know a fella
in this town,

goes by the name
of Shelley Kelly?

Yeah, everybody knows him.

He's the, uh, local,
uh, cheesemonger.

Oh...

H‐He's the, uh...
cheese mongrel. Wow.

I did not know he was a mongrel.

Um, how severe is it?

Can‐can he walk?
Does he drool, or...

‐Monger, Charlie. Cheesemonger.
‐FRANK: Cheesemonger.

Mon... Cheese...
Why are you saying it that way?

Is he a mongrel or a monster?
That's all I want to know.

‐I wonder if he's cute.
‐Who?

Your brother,
the cheese monster.

Do not have sex
with my brother, Mac.

You know,
when I was Irish first,

then I‐then I wanted to
find out what my heritage was.

But now that I'm gay first,
and that's my identity,

then maybe I should just
be plowing a bunch of dudes,

‐and‐and maybe a bunch of
cheese monsters. I don't know.
‐Aw, come on, man.

‐Stop! Would you just...
‐There's gay or badass.
‐CHARLIE: Let it go, Mac!

You need to shut up, okay?

Identity doesn't have to factor

into absolutely
every decision you make.

All right? If a man wants
to stand, he doesn't go,

"Uh, uh, what would
a Dutchman do?

Would a Dutchman stand?" Okay?

And if‐if an Italian wants
to eat a sandwich,

he doesn't go, "I have to eat
plates of spaghetti

because I'm an Italian."

He just eats
the goddamn sandwich.

Okay? Oh, you fool.

If you want to go out and bang
every single guy in Ireland,

just go bang every guy
in Ireland

and forget what your identity
has to do with it.

Or you could just find one guy,

fall in love,
get in a relationship

and shut the hell up about it.

‐Please stop doing that.
‐Oh, come on, man!

If I got to stop mid‐rant every
time I want to order a beer,

i‐it's gonna interrupt my flow.

Right? Why don't you just keep
track of what we're drinking

and charge it to
our individual rooms.

Oh, there's only one room.

‐Hmm?
‐BARTENDER: Yeah.

One room? Wha...
How's that gonna work?

‐Nah, that's good.
‐That's good?

All of us crammed in
one wool‐infested room‐‐

that sounds good to you?

You want an authentic
European experience.

‐That's what it is.
‐Well, no, that...

That's too authentic, okay?

I'm not‐I'm not...
I'm not staying here.

I'm gonna rent a castle.

‐(coughing)
‐Well, wait for me.
I'm not staying, either.

I'll tell you what, I'm not
paying for this beer, okay?

'Cause you can barely swallow
this sludge.

♪ ♪

‐(coughing)
‐Oh, oh, Dennis, hey.

You should let me do
the talking in there, okay?

‐(scoffs) Why?
‐Why?

'Cause if you cough in there,
they're not gonna rent us

the castle 'cause they're
gonna know you have COVID.

Dee, you bitch.
I don't have COVID.

Okay? I'm not gonna
cough in there.

You‐you think I can't
pinch off a cough?

I will do the talking.

(entry alert beeps)

Oh. (clears throat)
Hi there.

‐(door closes)
‐Beautiful day, isn't it? Huh?

G‐Grand, as you say.

(chuckles) I think what they say
is, "Top o' the mornin'."

Ah, that's a stereotype. Yeah.

Excuse my sister, she's, uh,
not very good at talking.

Um, so we're actually here
looking f... (retching)

‐(coughs)
‐Uh‐oh.

Oh, gosh.

You okay there, Dennis?

(chuckles)

‐Uh, ah...
‐(grunts)

Huh. Looks like I'll be doing
the talking.

‐No. (grunting)
‐Uh, we would be looking
for a castle,

and we are very interested
in modern amenities, please.

You know, your thermostats and
your remotes and shit like that.

Ar‐Are you jotting
any of this down?

‐(squeals)
‐Yeah, yeah, right. So... Sorry.

You caught me
a little off guard, is all.

So, you're‐you're looking
for a castle?

‐(squawking)
‐Mm. Mm‐hmm.

‐(grunting)
‐Is he all right?

Mm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.

Yeah, he's okay.

Well, yes and no.

‐You know what it is?
He's a mongrel.
‐(barks)

(grunts):
No.

And that's why I've always
been the talker.

‐(straining): Bitch. Bitch.
‐Oh, boy, did you head that?

‐Yep, here‐here he goes.
Here he goes.
‐(retches)

We have to keep him
in the basement in America,

'cause one of his ticks is that
he brutally masturbates himself.

‐(straining): No, no.
‐Oh, yeah.

‐Yeah, he‐he does
a real number on it.
‐(retches)

Yeah.
He‐he's shredded it down

‐to a little tiny nub
at this point.
‐No!

Is what it is.
No, no. He's saying,

"Down there,
there's barely anything left."

‐(grunting): Damn it!
‐That's what he's saying.

There's nothing left down there.

‐(groans)
‐Yeah, so, um,

I don't see you doing
a lot of castle searching.

(coughing)

(grunting)

(coughing)

(grunts): Bitch.

He's also allergic to sheep.

♪ ♪

MAN:
Go on, go on, out.

Get out, you bastards!

‐Out.
‐Hello, sir?

Oh, sorry. (chuckles)
I was, uh...

Just bashing some rats.

I get it. It's cool.
Don't worry about it.

I bash a lot of rats
in my business, too.

And‐and rats love cheese,

‐so I imagine y‐you get
a lot of 'em here.
‐(laughs)

‐This is, like,
the place for rats.
‐Yeah, yeah.

Well, how can I help you?

Uh, right, well,
uh, I'm looking for, uh,

a young man named Shelley Kelly.
Is he around?

I'm Shelley Kelly.
Who's asking?

Oh. I'm sorry. I...

I'm looking for a‐a younger man.

Uh, I'm looking for
the young Shelley Kelly.

Is he around?

Hey, do you‐you mind if I sample
some of your jellies?

‐Oh, no. Go on. Help yourself.
‐Ah.

‐(chuckles)
‐Delightful.

Well, I'm...

I'm the only Shelley Kelly
around here that I know of.

‐Uh...
‐FRANK: Ooh.

This is the tits right here.

‐(Frank chewing loudly)
‐Yeah, no, that...
that doesn't make sense.

See‐see, Shelley Kelly
is a‐is a kid like me.

Uh, we're pen pals.

Sweet Jesus.

Charlie?

FRANK:
Ugh. That's a miss.

It's got something in it
like sand.

It's full of sand.
Ech.

Yeah, I... I'm Charlie.

FRANK:
Mmm. I know what it is.

It's seeds.

Is there seeds in it?

And there's too many of 'em.

There's a lot of seeds.

(chuckles)

FRANK:
(coughs) It was a bad one.

That's buried in there.

That's gonna be in there
all week. Oh, God.

What'd I miss?

‐(orga

Oh, Father, Father, Father,
I've got news.

I've got wonderful news.

Okay, so, I used to be Irish,

and now I'm Dutch.

Of course, I was badass
the entire time,

but when you surround yourself

with people who aren't
as badass as you,

that tends to be
quite isolating.

The point is I was confused.

To be honest with you, I wanted
to run through a bunch of pipe,

if you know what I mean...
Well, you know what I mean.

But then I decided,
you know what?

I only want
one man inside of me.

The Big Man.
The Big Man upstairs.

The only man
that can fill me up.

Well, and his son.
And the Holy Spirit.

I'll take all three of them
at once.

I've done that before.

That was more in a physical
sense, not a spiritual one.

And believe me, it was messy.

Totally worth it, though.
I loved it.

Either way, Father,
what I have decided is that

the most important aspect
of my identity‐‐

it's not being gay.

It's not being Irish.
It's not being badass.

It's being Catholic.

Therefore, I want to become

a Catholic priest!

‐Well, that's nice to hear.
‐(chuckles)

But perhaps we could talk
at a more appropriate time.

(Mac gasps softly)

Oh.

Uh... Yeah. Sorry.
Sorry, everybody.

I'll just get
in the back of the line,

and then, uh, get the cracker,

and then we'll talk later.

Okay.

(Dennis coughs)

Oh, goddamn it,
what the hell is this?

That realtor screwed us.

Probably because
you caused a scene.

What are you talking about, Dee?
This‐this place is amazing.

I mean, I saw
an old bell tower outside

and what I think
used to be a moat.

Okay, this place is perfect.

‐(coughs)
‐This place is not perfect.

It's a ruin.
We can't sleep here.

Wh... (sighs) Dee, I'm sure
there's, like, a furnished area

with, like, bedrooms and shit
somewhere. I mean, what, do you,

what, do you want
to walk into a castle...

(coughs)
and have it feel like a Hyatt?

I mean, where's the charm
in that? (wheezes)

Whoa.
This place has a dark past.

Murder, betrayal, beheadings.

Well, you know,
it's a castle, Dee.

You know, people were going
crazy in castles all the time.

And beheading people‐‐
well, that‐that was just

their way of solving problems
back then, you know.

(chuckles): That's tenth century
charm for you.

‐(coughing)
‐Yeah.

(chuckles)
Yeah, this was in 2008.

‐(coughs) Two... What?
‐Yeah. A mother

went insane and beheaded
all four children.

‐Just chopped their heads
right off.
‐Well, that‐that is...

‐that's decidedly
less charming, isn't it?
‐It's a little less charming.

I'm not sleeping here, Dennis.
It's very creepy.

No, Dee. This is gonna be great.
Trust me.

This is gon‐this is gonna
be awesome, okay?

Just... (clears throat)

I don't care for
all the sheep, though.

That's‐that's my only thing.

All... all what sheep?

‐We haven't seen a sheep.
‐The sheep, the sheep.

I‐I'm sure they've been
passing through, and that's...

Thr... They've been passing
through the... into the castle?

Well, why else would
I be coughing and wheezing?

You have COVID.

To Charlie, my son.

To the dad I didn't know I had.

(chuckles)

Well, I'm just sorry that

I didn't get a chance
to see you growing up.

‐Yeah.
‐Mm‐hmm.

And for what it's worth,

I did love your mother.

So did I.

We all did.

A wonderful woman.

I banged her, too.

All right, well, Mom got around.

(chuckles):
Well, yeah.

Hey, this is jammed in there.

What do you call it?
What is that?

A lingonberry seed or something?

The important thing
is you're here now.

‐Yeah. Yeah.
‐Yeah. And I don't want to waste
any more time.

No, neither do I.
I mean, God, I've...

(sighs) I've always had
so many questions, you know?

About who I am
and where I come from.

‐(smacking lips)
‐And my‐my...

My‐my family heritage,
and‐and, uh...

‐(Frank sucking)
‐You know, it's good to have
some truth about...

Will you stop?!
You're just...

You're sucking
and slurping away.

I'm trying to have
a conversation

‐with my father.
‐It's jammed in there, Charlie.

‐I don't care,
go to the bathroom...
‐I can't get it out.

‐I'm gonna need a jackhammer.
‐You're using a screw.

You're embarrassing me
in front of my dad here, man.

Sorry about him.

Charlie, I'm just glad
that you're sitting here now.

Yeah. (chuckles)

♪ My boy has found me,
and now I'm glad ♪

(chuckles)

Yeah. Okay.

♪ A dad I didn't know I had ♪

(both chuckle)

♪ The first time round
is a bitter pill ♪

♪ But the second chance
is better still ♪

♪ And then we find
new seeds to sow ♪

♪ To grow our love
we didn't know ♪

(laughter)

♪ The Kelly lads,
the Kelly boys ♪

♪ We drink and laugh
and make our noise ♪

♪ We'll sync right up
with all our songs ♪

♪ So come ahead and join along ♪

♪ Hooray! Hurrah! ♪

♪ A fiddle‐dee‐doo,
a fiddle‐da‐da ♪

♪ The Kelly lads,
the Kelly boys ♪

♪ They drink and laugh
and make their noise ♪

♪ We sync right up
with all their songs ♪

♪ So come ahead
and join along. ♪

(laughter)

♪ And I am Frank,
and I factor in somehow. ♪

‐Aw, I shouldn't have
used a screw.
‐Jesus, Frank.

‐Aw, I'm gonna...
‐Go to the bathroom
and clean it up.

‐Go, go. You're embarrassing me.
‐Where's the bathroom?

(church bell tolling)

Walking this path
is a serious commitment.

One that requires
considerable training.

Oh, Father, look, I‐I've been
S'ing and F'ing

my way through life
for far too long.

I think it's time that
I started sucking down

the words of the Bible.

And instead of looking for
pieces of ass,

I'd just look for peace.

Well, your language
leaves a bit to be desired,

but your heart's
in the right place.

I think.

So, to truly understand
what this life is like,

you need to spend some time
with someone who's living it.

Brother Thomas, I'd like you
to meet someone.

♪ ♪

♪ And I can't fight
this feeling anymore ♪

♪ I've forgotten what I ♪

♪ Started fighting for ♪

♪ It's time to bring this ship
into the shore ♪

♪ And throw away the oars ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't
fight this feeling ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

‐♪ I've forgotten. ♪
‐Not him. Give me somebody else.

‐I'm sorry?
‐Father...

I‐I'm gonna be alone
in the seminary

with him, in the rectory?

I mean, these are very
triggering words.

I will S and F him
into oblivion.

I mean, he looks like
Paul Bunyan.

I need more of, like, a...
Elmer Fudd. You got any Fudds?

Let me take a look.

Oh, yeah. What about this guy?
What's his story?

Gus?

Gus? Yeah, I ain't
falling in love with Gus.

Gimme him.

Sure.

♪ ♪

(wheezing loudly)

See, Dee?
The bedroom's perfect.

(wheezing loudly)

Dude, I think
you need a ventilator.

I just need
a good night's sleep.

(wheezes)

Just go to bed.

I agree with you, I just...

Well, I don't know
what to do with her.

(wheezes)

‐What?
‐What?

Who you talking to?

Nobody.
You're hearing things Dee.

(wheezes)

I think what I'm hearing
is fluid fill up your lungs.

(coughing)
Dee, just go to bed.

Okay.

DENNIS:
It has to be tonight?

Okay, Dennis,
I don't like that.

I don't like it.

I'm not even talking to you.
I'm talking to the castle.

You're talking to the castle?

I‐Is it talking back?

Dee, just go to bed!

(wheezing)

It's the hair, by the way.

Okay, n...

right now, are you
talking to me or the castle?

You.

We were talking about
beheadings earlier.

‐It's the hair.
‐What's the hair?

Well, that's the trouble
with heads, isn't it?

The hair's not authentic.

It's... it's been tampered with.

That's why there's no smell.
It's a... it's a lie.

(wheezes)

The hair is on the head.

The hair is a lie,
and therefore,

it's better to just
remove the head altogether.

Okay. Okay, Dennis,
you're very, very sick,

‐and you need to go
to the hospital.
‐Silence!

(wheezing)

Dee, I can't breathe.
I need to go to the hospital.

Yeah, no shit!

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna call us an ambulance

‐and get us out of here.
‐Yeah.

No, no, my phone's dead.

Oh, there's no electricity
in this goddamn place.

Then go get the car
and drive me.

The car's out of gas.

Then ring the bell!

What bell?

Go to the old bell tower

and ring the goddamn bell,
you bitch!

Oh, God, um...

Goddamn it.
Where's the stupid bell tower?

No. No, no, no, no.

‐(woman screams)
‐Oh, Jesus Christ.

‐(baby cries)
‐Oh!

‐Oh... Oh!
‐(glass shatters)

Oh, oh, oh...

Aah! Get off me!
Get off me!

Okay...
(panting)

‐(wheezing)
‐Hello?

Who is that?

♪ ♪

Your head is a lie.

Dennis?
What are you doing?

You've tampered with it, and...

we won't stand for it
any longer.

Oh, D... Dennis, this is just
the COVID talking, okay?

You're hallucinating.

I don't have COVID.

(cackles)

(coughing)

No, Dennis, please.

Please, Dennis, it's me.
Snap out of it.

‐(shouting)
‐(screaming)

Off with her head!

♪ ♪

‐And that's the house.
‐Wow.

‐This place is charming as shit.
‐Yeah.

Dennis would be creaming
in his pants if he saw this.

Right, well, uh,
language, Frank,

‐you know, 'cause
we're guests, so, yeah.
‐Oh, yeah.

It's a lovely home.

Uh, are you sure okay
with us staying the night?

Oh, I insist.
Yeah.

I have a spare room
down the hall,

and, uh, I set up a cot
for you there.

Oh, well, we'll take the cot.

Y... You'll both
sleep on the cot?

Uh, I think I'd rather
take the bedroom, Frank.

Won't you get lonely in there?
What if it gets cold?

Oh, there are plenty
of blankets.

What if I poop the bed?

Who's gonna be in there
to laugh with me?

‐What? You might shit the bed?
‐No, no, no.

If that's the case,
I have other sheets.

‐No, no, no, he won't.
‐One time.

‐It was fun...
‐There was a one‐time incident,

‐It was a fun thing.
‐and it was a joke,

and it really
wasn't that funny, so...

‐It wasn't?
‐Uh, no.

‐I thought you thought
it was funny.
‐Nope.

Well, uh, I'm heading off.

Yeah. Sounds good.

‐Good night.
‐Yeah, yeah.

Hey, um, good night...

...Dad.

Oh.
Good night, son.

(gagging, hacking)

‐Oh, seed! I got you.
‐Yeah?

I found you, seed.
Look at it.

‐I coughed it out.
‐Yeah. Gross. Yeah.

Oh. I thought
you'd be happy for me.

Uh, sure, I guess.
Sure.

Oh.
I should eat it again.

Then it would be funny 'cause
I didn't learn my lesson.

No, that wouldn't be funny.

It'd just be kind of dumb,
you know.

Oh.

Um...

I think‐I think
I'm gonna go to bed.

‐All right.
‐Yeah.

‐Uh...
‐So you're gonna
stay in the room?

‐Yeah, I'm gonna go to bed
in here and...
‐I‐I'll stay...

‐I'll stay on the...
I'll stay on the...
‐All right.

Good night, Frank.

Good night, Charlie.

♪ ♪

Good night, Charlie.

(trio chanting backwards)