It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 4 - The Gang Replaces Dee With a Monkey - full transcript

♪

DEE:
No.

No, no. This can't be happening.

[stammering]
I-I-I'm too young.

No, why are you doing this?
I don't want to change.

I don't want to change.
Oh, God, it's hot.

It's always so goddamn hot.

Someone's got to crack a door
or a window. Oh, God, no.

It's all happening too fast.
[stammering]

I had plans, and they
w-were perfect plans.

This is just all too soon!

[door opens and closes]

What the hell was that about?

I'll tell you what that
was about-- menopause.

-What? Men... Menopause?
-Oh, for real?
-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

I went through the same thing
with Barbara.

Overnight, she became
completely irrational

with the hot flashes
and the mood swings

and the paranoia. [groans]
That was the worst.

Always accusing me
of having affairs.

Hmm, right. But you were
having affairs.

Yeah, but it was
a real headache,

and you can't have
that around here.

I don't want this to be taken
the wrong way 'cause,

you know, I slept
with Dee that one time...

-[groans]
-...but, like,

I'm, like,
sick of looking at her.

-I, too.
-You know? Is it, is it just me?

-No.
-Okay.
-No.

-No, it's not just you.
-Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not

trying to be mean,
it's not personal.

You're just being honest
about how you feel.

-Yeah.
-Also, there's a smell.

-Okay.
-There's a smell, yeah.
And a lot of women have this,

and it makes me sick
to my stomach,

and-and I don't want
to be around it,

and I think that's
what you're saying.

Well, no, I haven't
noticed a smell so much,

but, no, I'm just
saying, like...

I feel a lot of tension
in the workplace

'cause we slept together,
you know?

Legally, that's called
a hostile work environment.

Okay, I can see that.

We can legally fire her

and bring in
whichever man we want.

Oh... okay.

I see, I see where you
were going with that.

Yeah, he's got an agenda.
Uh, but either way,

it-it doesn't matter.
The point is,

what we're talking about here
is replacing Dee,

and I think it's a great idea.

I think, I think
it's long overdue.

Look, if we're going to
bring in another woman,

can we at least make sure
she's competent?

Competent?

[scoffs]
A monkey could do Dee's job.

[laughs]

-[all laughing]
-A monkey could.

♪

Terrific. Thanks for coming in.
All right.

Move. Move. Not gonna get it.
No. G-Give me a break.

-Move.
-Wait, what is...

You listen to me right now,
Jeffrey. You listen to me!

Because I have been listening
to you for long enough.

I'm sor-- Who-who-who are you?

No!

No, no, no.
This can't be happening.

This can't be happening,
I'm too young.

Why are you doing this
to me? Why?

I-I-I-- No.
I don't want to change.

[gasping]

Y-You're not thinking
straight, Cassandra.

-You have to...
-Oh, God, it's so hot.

Why is it always so goddamn hot?

Somebody ought
to crack a window.

No, I-I-I need more time.

I had it all planned out.

It was perfect,
and this is just too soon!

[sobbing]

[deep inhale]

Oh, God!

And that's the scene.

Yes, I'm aware.

I'm done. I was
in character before,

but I'm me now, so you can
tell me how good I was.

Oh, okay. Well, you just cut
in front of 15 other actresses.

You're welcome. I took a gander
at 'em and... [clicks tongue]

[laughs] Plus, I do feel

like that's what
the character would have done,

and I've been
in character all day.

As a matter of fact,
don't want to brag,

but I've been
in character all week.

-[laughs]
-Okay, well,

uh, I don't think you're
quite what we're looking...

Come on, man! No, I-I-I've
been coming here for years,

and-and you never put me
past you to the director.

Well, uh, listen,
we have a-a lot of people

are going to be reading
for this role.

No! I'm gonna see the director.

You're gonna put me through
to the director,

that's what you're gonna do,
'cause I deserve it.

I deserve it.
I am a trained actor.

Okay? I have spent

thousands of dollars
on acting classes,

and are you gonna
try and tell me

that was just all for nothing?

That all that money
was just a waste?

[sniffs] Well, uh,
not for your acting teacher.

Hmm?

♪

DENNIS:
You know, guys, it occurs to me

that, with this new employee,

we could be looking
at a lot less work

and a lot more available time.

Perhaps we should
consider a vacation.

Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.

I've actually been getting
a lot more comfortable

with the idea of travel
lately, like, um,

check this out,
did you guys know that, uh,

Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

No, think about that,
though, that-that's crazy.

Like, two cities in one state?

-No, that's-that's not crazy.
-No. No, not at all.

No, no, no. [sighs]

All right, I don't think
you understand.

There's two cities
in the same state,

like, how is that even possible?

All states have
more than one city.

That's totally possible.
Yeah, multiple cities.

N... No.

-Yes.
-There's... No.
-Yes.

There's...
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Yes.

So, that's what Pennsylvania is.

-Oh, no.
-No.

Oh, so Philadelphia's
not Pennsylvania?

-No.
-No.

No, Philadelphia
is in Pennsylvania--

-What is this man talking about?
-I...

I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh
work? Am I constantly

going in and out of Pittsburgh
throughout the day, yes or no?

-BOTH: No.
-[stammers] Explain this to me.

Oh. Oh, I understand.
I think I understand...

-Really?
-Finally, somebody gets it.

He's saying he wants
to go on a vacation.

-Yeah. Well, yeah.
-He wants to go
somewhere exotic.

-Yes.
-He wants to go to Fire Island.
He wants to go to Greece.

-He wants to experiment.
-No. That's not
what I'm saying, no.

-He wants to try new things.
-That is not what he said.

Wait, we're not going
to Pittsburgh.

'Cause we're already there.

We're not in Pittsburgh.
We're in Philadel--

-I-- This-this is not easy.
-[door opens]

Hey-o. Check it out. [laughs]

What the hell is this?

It's Dee's replacement.

Why did you get a monkey?

Well, you know, we're gonna hire
a girl to do Dee's job.

We're gonna have to pay her. You
don't have to pay a monkey shit,

so I got a monkey instead.

It's like I said,
a monkey could do her job.

Okay, but that's
just an expression, Frank.

We need an actual person.

Oh, yeah? Check this out.

-Monkey, beer.
-[monkey chittering]

[Frank laughs]

See? Great, huh?

No. No, not great. Ridiculous.

You think a monkey
can run a bar?

Run a bar?

I thought it was just
to do Dee's job.

Oh, yeah. We need someone
to watch over the bar

-'cause we're gonna
go on vacation now.
-Right.

-Ooh, vacation?
-Mm-hmm.

-Has anybody floated out
Pittsburgh?
-Ah.

What is with you guys
and Pittsburgh?

Okay, we're not going
to Pittsburgh.

If we're gonna go on vacation,
we're gonna go someplace good.

-[monkey chittering]
-Yeah, thanks.

[chuckles]

I mean, we've got
the whole world to choose from,

and you guys want to go
to the second-best city

in-in Pennsylvania?
It's crazy. [slurping]

Well, I don't know, like,
are we in Pittsburgh right now?

Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.

Like, you know, how does
Pittsburgh work, you know?

Whoa, hang on a second now.

That is really good.
What'd the monkey put in this?

[laughs] Beats me.

-[chittering]
-DENNIS: Okay, well,

it's-it's very, very delicious,
uh... [laughs]

What's the deal
with this monkey, anyway?

He some kind of mixologist?

He used to work in the movies.

He comes from a long line
of movie monkeys.

Rumor has it

that he also did a short stint

making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.

-Wow.
-Yeah.
-Okay, okay. Interesting.

You know those were stiff.
[laughs]

Eventually, we're gonna need
an actual person

to run the bar
if we're gonna go on vacation,

you know, but, uh,
while we're landing

on where exactly to go,
let's, uh... [slurps]

Mmm.

Let's keep the monkey
around 'cause that is

the best beer I've ever had in
my entire life, I swear to God.

Dee has never made a beer
that tastes like that.

-You guys got to try this.
-[laughs]
-Really?

-I bet, yeah.
-Monkey.

-Three more.
-Yeah. All right.

-[chittering]
-Look at that.

Hello. Good afternoon.

I'm Deandra Reynolds,

and thank you all so much
for joining my acting class.

For starters...

I don't have a limp.

[laughs] Right?

Don't be shy.

-Thank you.
-[scattered applause]

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Oh, here's the thing,

the first order of business,

and perhaps the most
important thing, is payment.

Now, did everyone have a chance
to get cash or cashier's check?

Okay, good. Great.

Great, wonderful.
Okay, well, let's get started.

-[pen clicks]
-Chain saw,

avocado, marlin.
What'd I just say? You.

Um... chain saw,
avocado, marlin?

Right!

Which is wrong.

You just violated
the first rule of acting.

You listened.

When you are listening,

you are not talking,

and if you're not talking,
you're not getting paid.

You know who doesn't talk
throughout an entire movie?

An extra.

Which brings me
to rule number two,

acting is...

Oh, um, reacting.

Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.

Think about it.

Ignore reality.

You're in a casting office,
not Jurassic Park.

Ignore your scene partner

because you better goddamn
believe they're ignoring you.

And, for Christ's sake,
ignore the script, okay?

[chuckles] You're better
than a writer, right?

Writers are dorks, okay?

Any questions?

No! Put your hands down!

No.

Don't ask questions.

That shows
you don't know something,

which makes you look weak.

Got it?

Now, if we could circle back
on the payment thing again,

it's pretty important
to me, okay?

'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,

you're not walking out of here
without the payment.

Oh, my God, Charlie,

we're not going to Scranton.

All right, fine. What about
Harrisburg? Williamsport?

Altoona? You know...

Okay, will you at least consider

going someplace
outside of Pennsylvania?

All those cities
are in Pennsylvania?

Are you kidding me?
Like, you don't want to know--

thank you, monkey--
you don't want to know, like,

how this shit works, man?

No. I don't want to find out
how zoning districts work.

I don't care about that.
Thank you, monkey.

I want to go somewhere exotic.

Baltimore?

-Baltimore is not exotic, Frank.
-DENNIS: No.

I'll tell you, I've seen shit
happen in Baltimore

-that would blow your mind.
Thank you, monkey.
-Wow.

You know what, guys?
I'll tell you what.

Regardless of where
we decide to go,

we're taking this goddamn monkey

-because I love this guy.
I love him.
-Oh, yeah.

It would be great
if we could hire more monkeys

to do our job for us
while we're gone.

Like, a team of monkeys who run
the bar, you know what I mean?

-Mm.
-Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all
out of work now, you know?

-CHARLIE: Yeah.
-Yeah, because Hollywood decided

you can't beat 'em no more, so
they had to set 'em all free.

-What?
-Are you seriously?
-You can't beat monkeys?

-No, you can't.
-At all?

Those monkeys don't even
have jobs anymore

-'cause of these snowflakes?
-Not allowed to do it no more.

-These Hollywood...
-Oh, my God.

I do have to admit, though,

it-it is a little
disappointing to, um,

discover that a team of primates
could do our jobs for us, but...

[stammers]
I'm gonna blow past it

because I really do
want to come up

with a vacation spot
for us, you know?

So, here's what
I'm thinking, guys.

E-Everybody grab a napkin
there, okay?

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Grab a napkin.

And, uh, everybody

write down a destination
on the napkin,

and then we'll put
that destination

in this bowl right here,

I'll pick one out,

-and that way
not one of us decides...
-Oh.

...but we let fate take over.

-What do you guys think
about that plan?
-Okay.

KIKI:
I didn't say that

-I don't love you.
-Then what is it?

Is it my gang ties?
Because I don't need that shit.

I'll leave it all behind.

-Just tell me what's wrong.
-[mouthing along]

KIKI:
The baby...

It's not yours. It's my...

my...

-my father's.
-Bigger.

-[inhales] My father's!
-N-- louder.

-[yelling] My father's!
-Yes!

Good. Now you go.

-Your father's?!
-Louder.

[yelling] Your father's?!

Okay! Now, this is what
I'm talking about.

Nice work. [applauds]
Do you all see that?

Goddamn, that's what I want.
I want to be able

to see your performance
from the fucking moon.

Guys, the louder you are,

the more people have
to pay attention to you.

Yeah... [sighs] Yeah,
I-I don't understand the script.

What movie did you say
this was from?

I-I didn't. I wrote it.

It's a mash-up of Chinatown

and Tupac Shakur's
Poetic Justice.

Oh. Are you, are you gonna
write all the scenes?

Well, there you go asking a
bunch of questions again, Tony.

[laughs] Uh, Kiki,

how does that
make him seem to you?

Um... weak?

Weak! Good. Very good.

Now, you, Kiki,
you're really getting this.

But did you feel that?

Did you feel how he went
from, like, a hot stud

you'd like to bang
to a weak little bitch

right before your eyes? Right?

I mean, that doesn't mean
I still wouldn't do him,

but that's between him and me.

Tony, see me after class.

Um... Okay.

Wrong! Wrong! Okay.

People in power
will try and bang you.

Now, sometimes it will be
necessary to get the part,

but assess the situation.

Why go all the way when
a simple hand job will suffice?

Tony, do see me after class.

DENNIS:
And the place

that we're going to is...

[sighs] "Yell"... "Yellow"?

What is, what is this?
Who, who wrote this?

Uh... [stammers] Me. Yeah.

W-Were you trying to
s-say Yellowstone or...?

Uh... no. Uh, just yellow.

-Just yellow?
Just the color yellow?
-Uh, well, I panicked.

You know, you were shooting down
all the other places

I've been naming, so I-I
couldn't think of something.

Okay, well, that's not
a goddamn place, you idiot, so..

[groans]
We're gonna try this again.

Next place I pick out,
that's where we're gonna go.

Mm-hmm.

-"Purple."
-Mm.

What is happening?

[burps] That was me.
Yeah, I did purple.

-You did purple?
Two of you wrote colors?
-Yeah, I...

Okay, so you thought
of a color, too?

I didn't understand
the assignment either.

-It-it was not clear.
-I said write down
a destination,

-and two people
wrote down colors?
-We're sorry, we're sorry.

-I don't understand...
-I like purple.

I like purple, too, Frank.
That's why I wrote it down.

Well, maybe we could go there.
That could be pretty.

Go where?! Purple?
That's not a place!

-That-- All right, you know...
-CHARLIE: Okay, you're right.

I think, um...
these beers are a little strong.

-Are you drunk?
-I-- these beers
are a little strong...

I will admit that the beers
are also stronger

-than I was anticipating.
-I like this beer.

You know what, guys?

I'm having a lot of fun here.

Uh, but I do want to
figure this out, so, new plan.

All right,
here's what we're gonna do.

Instead of writing down places,

why don't we write down
key words?

Or phrases, you know?

Let's go with our instincts,
you know?

Whatever we want to feel,

what-whatever
we want to experience

on the vacation, okay? And then

we'll put it up on a board.

We'll look at it all together
and then maybe

the destination will just
reveal itself to us.

And... we can drink
more monkey beer.

-Yeah.
-[laughs]

-Monkey!
-We'll drink monkey beer
while we're doing it.

-Monkey.
-Four more monkey beers, monkey.

-Monkey, monkey, monkey beer!
-Monkey! Four more!

Ms. Reynolds, can I talk
to you for a second?

Oh, God, what's this? Listen,
if you don't have the cash,

you're gonna want to borrow it
from, like, an uncle or a friend

or something 'cause I don't make
exceptions. [chuckles]

No. It's, uh, it's not
the money, um...

I just wanted to say...
thank you.

It feels

so good to be seen like that.

My parents don't really
believe in me, so...

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Stop talking.

Holy shit. [gasps]

You're making me
realize something here.

Maybe this doesn't
have to be a scam.

What?

Well, what I mean is,

I-I was just able
to give you something

your parents never did,

and all-all I had to do
was... [chuckles]

toss you a single
compliment. [gasps]

I can control you.

I can make you feel
however I want you to feel,

which will help you
be a better actor.

-Oh, I do want to be a better...
-Shh. I'm not done.

[gasps] Oh, that's-that's
real power.

Way more power than just acting,
and I think that's what it was

probably all about
for me, you know?

I just... I was searching
for a sense of control.

Oh, Kiki...

[laughing]
you were...

terrible.

Wait, I-I was?

No. No. [laughs]

-[sighs]
-I'm kidding.

[gasps] You were amazing.

And you're going to make it.

I believe in you.

Oh, you do?

Maybe.

I'm not going
to tell you right now.

But yes.

[both laughing]

Oh, my God! This is... [gasps]

This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.

I'm going to be there for you.

I'm going to be the mother
and father that you never had.

-I'm only going to take 35%...
-[phone buzzing]

...of all your future earnings,

and I will never, never

turn my back on you,
do you understand?

-Yes.
-Because you--
Can you give me one second?

-My phone is buzzing
off the hook in my pocket.
-Oh, yeah.

One sec. Hello?

No! I'm gonna see the director.

Um, hi, yes. Uh, is this
Deandra Reynolds?

-Yup.
-[over phone] Right. Well, uh,

-I'm so sorry to just call you
out of the blue like this...
-Faster.

-What?
-Faster.

Right. Brilliant. Um,

well, I am the director
of the TV show

that you crashed
the audition on the other day,

and we have a role that...

-Slower.
-[laughs]

All right, um,

well, as I was saying, I am...

the... director...

Too slow. Don't start over.

[chuckles] Okay.
Uh, well, I saw your tape,

and, based on what I saw,
and this conversation,

I think we have a part
that might be right for you.

Stop.

Attention, everyone.

Dee Reynolds Acting School
is officially closed.

And I'm sorry, there will be
no return on investments,

but it was in the fine print.
Have a wonderful afternoon.

Continue.

-[phone ringing]
-[rooster crows]

[groans] Oh, my God. Oh, guys.

-[groans]
-What the hell is happening?

-[clears throat] Guys, wake up.
-Huh?

-Wake...
-[groans]

-Huh?
-Wha...

Oh, my God.
My head is killing me.

Oh, dude. I am very hungover.
I do not feel good.

Charlie,
you're full of scratches.

-So are you.
-[sighs]

-Wait, I got scratches, too.
-Oh, shit. [groans]

-Dude, Mac, I think you
got bit in the neck, man.
-[winces]

-Is that shit on the bar?
-[groans]

What-what is that...

sour, salty taste in my mouth?
Do you guys have that?

-Yeah, I got that.
-Yes. Yes, I have that.

-What is that? [groans]
-Yeah, it's real bad.

Uh-oh, guys...

CHARLIE:
Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.

I think we've been outsmarted.

-What?
-Huh?

[scoffs]
The monkey got us drunk,

assaulted us,

robbed the bar,

and possibly fucked our mouths.

[retching]

-Oh, God!
-Yeah, he did.
That is what happened.

Yeah, the guy who sold him to me

did say something
like this could happen.

He did?!

Yeah. Apparently,
the monkey's grandfather

was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey,

and you know
how these things go.

These monkeys are passed down

from one Hollywood creep
to the next,

until, eventually,

they wind up
under a bridge in Philly

getting drunk and pulling scams.

-[groans] Goddamn. All right.
-What?

All right, all right, we got
to think about this. All right,

so let's not take the monkey
on our vacation.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

The vacation.

I think we landed on a
vacation destination last night.

Yeah, we did, we did.
Look, look, look.

-Oh, look at the board.
-We did?
-Yeah.

We got something on here.
Let's um...

Okay, should we see
where we're going?

-Yeah, where are we going?
-Where we going? Where we going?

All right, here we go...

"Monkey beer island

of green and fight."

-[sighs] Goddamn it.
-That's not a place.

-That's not a place?
-No, it's not!

No, it's not a goddamn place.
You know what this is?

This is the ramblings
of four men

who got very, very drunk last
night on a mystery concoction

invented by a wild animal.

[whimpers]
Why can't we just be normal?

-That is what it is.
-That's so weird.

Why would we do that?

Because the monkey beers
were so delicious.

All right? That-that-that monkey
may have been a pervert,

but he was also a genius, which
is often the case in Hollywood.

You know what I'm thinking?

'Cause I'm seeing a lot of empty
whiskey bottles around,

I'm thinking maybe that monkey
was just pouring, like,

half a bottle of whiskey
in each beer.

-You know?
-That could be.

Based on my hangover, I think

that's what I'm,
that's what I'm feeling.

-[sighs] Goddamn it.
-That tracks, that tracks.

So, monkey beer

is just whiskey...

-CHARLIE: Whiskey-beer, yeah.
-...beer?

So...

"Whiskey beer island
of green and fight."

-[door opens]
-We're nowhere. We're nowhere.

Hey-o! Whoa,
what the hell happened...

Eh, you know what? Don't care.

Do not even care
'cause guess what, dick nips.

This big, dumb, flightless bird
just booked a huge acting gig.

Why don't you feast your eyes on

"Obnoxious American MILF #1"?

[laughs]

-In your faces. That's right.
-Ah...

And guess what.
I leave tomorrow morning

at 6:30 a.m.
on a first-class flight

'cause it shoots
in Ireland, baby.

Yeah!

Body slam!

-[laughs]
-[groans]

-I mean, she doesn't--
She comes in screaming.
-That was the worst.

-Screaming.
-Cackling like a witch.

Just screaming and screeching,
like... [sighs]

Oh, my God.

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

[gasps]

-What? What is it?
-I don't know.

-I don't know.
-Uh, you don't know?

-Right? It wasn't clear.
-Frank looked at me...

Why did you guys act like
you knew what it was, then?

I don't know. We were all
getting excited together.

-I was excited... [stammers]
-And, yeah, uh...

Goddamn it.
Frank, you tell them what it is.

-Yeah, what is it?
-I don't know what it is.

-You don't...
-Okay, yeah, we don't know,
uh, we don't know what it is.

Guys, guys.

"Whiskey beer island
of green and fight."

That's Ireland.

Goddamn, you guys.

What is this delicious drink?
This is good.

I was gonna go home
and get some sleep,

but I might have to get
a couple soda pops in first,

you know what I mean? Nice job.

Mmm. Mmm.

["Pot of Gold"
by Christopher Beaty playing]

Ooh, wow. Is that poop?

♪ Hey!♪

♪