It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - The Gang Buys a Roller Rink - full transcript

♪

Are you kidding me?
I love Joni Mitchell.

It's Janis Joplin I don't like.

Why?

I don't like her voice.

Her voice drives me insane.

You're out of your mind.
No, she's out of her mind.

What do you think
about this, then?

Oh.

Hey.

I do like that. I love that.

Look at those moves.

You got the moves, Charlie.
Oh, baby.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, I like this a lot.
Why are we doing it?

Oh, South Philly Skate's
closing, man.

What?
What?

Huh?
Yeah.

Why would you deliver
such sad news

in such an upbeat fashion?

Uh, yeah, you know what?

It felt wrong as I was doing it.
Wasn't sure how to stop.

I can't believe this.

Everybody wants to pave paradise
and put up a parking lot.

Nice! Nice.
Uh, Joni Mitchell,
yeah.

I found a way to weave it in.

I heard you do that.

Now, guys, look,
the real question is

what are we gonna do
about the rink?

♪

Wait a minute. Wait. You guys
want to buy a roller rink?

Oh, God, no. No, no, no.
Wewe already tried that.

Yeah. You guys remember that?
Mmhmm.

The last time we were there.
That's right.

The last time we were there.
Whatwhat year was that?

Yeah.
1998.

Yeah.
You guys remember that night?

Oh, yeah.

Like it was yesterday.

Hey, no whipping.

I saw that.
Are you chewing gum?

No gum on my rink, all right?

Go spit it out.
Gum is the enemy.

♪ Long way together♪

♪ Through the hard times
and the good...♪

Skate clean, everybody.
Let's skate clean.

That is the main thing.

Richie Keen, keep it clean,
buddy, all right?

I don't want to see
any hotdogging.

Hotdogging happens
at the concession stand.

Okay, new people.

Coming through, coming through.

All right, come on, let's go.
Keep it clean.

Watch it.

Briana, no more gum.

Man, can't trust anybody.

Yo, Mac.

Yo, what's up, Charlie?
Dude.

It's buzzing out there, huh?

Yeah, dude, the roller rink
business is booming, man.

Let me tell you.
Now take that jacket off, dude.

How many times
do I have to tell you

you can't wear
street clothes at work.

What you talking about, man?

This jacket's phat as hell.

It may be phat, but you're not
supposed to wear it, all right?

And you're not even
repping Philly, dude.

Well, the Hornets have
the coolest colors, man.

I got to look phat 'cause
I'm out there selling weed,

and you got to look phat
if you're selling weed.

And also, dude, I'm gonna
say this as your friend

and not just your boss...

...stop dealing drugs
at work, okay?

Blowing up. Oh, 911.
Take it outside.
I don't want to see--

Yo, I got to make a call.
If Smokey sees you
with that thing, man,

I'm gonna get in trouble, too.
Did you spray these down,

or what?

'Causecause you
got to keep the...

Not bad.

♪ I rode my bicycle♪

♪ Past your window last night♪

♪ I rollerskated to your door
at daylight...♪

All right, now, you kids
have a lot of fun, all right?

And Daddy's got a very important
meeting to go to.

Oh, good luck, Daddy.
Thank you, honey.

You be safe, sweetheart. Dennis,

don't forget to leave
your cellular telephone on.

You work for me now.

Yes, Father. Got it.

♪ Brandnew pair of
roller skates♪

♪ You got a brandnew key...♪

There you go. Have fun.

Oh!
Hey, guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's up, fellas?

Hey! Here they are.
There's the college guy.

Now, see, Mac, that's how
you wear a jacket at work.

You know, Dennis looks like
Jerry Seinfeld.

Thanks, man. Yeah, that's kind
of what I was going for. Yeah.

I don't like how mean they are
to each other on that show.

Aw, Sweet Dee.
So pure of heart. You know?

Hey, when you going
to Hollywood, Dee?

Tomorrow. Yeah, this is
my last night in Philly.

I'm actually super nervous.

Oh, you got nothing
to be nervous about.

No, you're gonna do great
out there, sis.

They're gonna love you.

You just have so much
natural charisma,

and you're so funny.

Aw, man. Thanks, you guys.

That really means a lot to me.

Yeah, yeah.
Size 11 skates, please.

Oh. Oh, Dee, um...

Uh, we only carry, like,
women's up to, like,

I think maybe, like nine?

Oh, no, Charlie, uh,
size 11 in men's.

That's okay.
Oh, right. You wear men's.

Yeah.
I totally forgot.

Okay, I got those. Hang on.

Uh, here we go.

There we go.
Yeah. Boom.

Okay. Thanks, guys. I'm
gonna go skate with my friends.

I'll see you in a little bit.
Ah, have fun, Dee.

See you. So sweet.
Have fun.
Bye.

Such a goodhearted person.

Guys, thankthank you
so much for not making fun

of the size of her feet.
They'rethey're very big.

Oh, no, dude.
Of course not.

I would never make fun
of her physical attributes.

Hey, you guys want
to grab a soda or something?

Oh, I'd love a soda.
I'd love a soda.

All right,
let's get a quick break.

Hey, Smokey, stepping away!

Huh?
Stepping away there, boss!

Yeah, whatever.

Smokey loves me, dude.

Hey, he's giving me one
of those, um, email addresses.

Whoa.
Email?

Mark my words,
nobody will ever use email.

The Internet is a fad for nerds.

Yeah, probably.
Yeah.

Let's roll.

So, what's it like
working for your old man?

Like, what's he actually do?

Business.

Oh, that's sweet, man. Like,
what kind of business is he in?

It's complicated, you know?

There'sthere's numbers
and money, you know?

Right, but it sounds like you
don't know what the business is.

Not yet. But, I mean, I will

at some point,
you know what I mean?

'Cause I'll be running
the place someday, so...

Oh. I can dig that, man.

I'm also kind of, like, climbing

the corporate ladder, you know?

I definitely see myself
running this place one day.

Dooley, come on, man.

No headlocks!

I'llI'll be running aa
multimilliondollar business,

and you'll be working
at a roller rink.

Yeah, there's a lot of money
in rollerskating, like,

you would not believe
how many quarters

I find in these
vending machines.

You're talking about thumbing
through vending machines

for loose change.

You think that's comparable
to my thing?

Well, that one's empty,
but, yeah, you never know.

Oh, is that my beeper?

Oh, no, that's my mobile phone.

Yeah, I don't have
anything that beeps.

Yeah, hang on.

Oh, it'sit's my dad.

Hello, Father.

Oh.

Yeah. Yes. Uh, yeah, right away.
Guys, I got to run.

Uh, my dad forgot his briefcase,

and he needs it
for an important meeting, so...

Oh, cool.
What's the meeting about?
Business, man.

I, like, I don't... I got to go.

I can't make him mad, okay?
I'm on my way, Father.

Mobile phones. Fads for yuppies.

Mark my words, Charlie, those
things will never catch on.

Okay.

Ah, my special little helper.
Hey. Hey.

I couldn't do it without you.

Hold the briefcase.
Okay. Thanks, Father.

Oh, not you.

I was talking about
this little guy. Right here.

You're taking pills?
Mm. Mm.

Ah. Yeah.
It enhances my performance

and impresses my colleague,

if you know what I'm saying?

Oh, wow, okay,
that makes sense. Yeah.
Yeah.

Ticktock, buddy.
Your hour's almost up.

Uh, be right there, hon.

Oh, she sounds tough.

Oh, you have no idea.
Okay, you can go.

No, wait, wait.
Dad, Dad, wait, wait.

Come here, come here.
Listen, if I may be so bold,

I know you like to usually
do your business in private,

but, uh, I'd like to join you.

Huh? Youyou want to join us?

Yeah. OOr I can just sit
in the corner and watch.

II just want to learn.

Wellwellwell, that'sthat's
a little weird, Dennis.

II don't know about that.

How am I supposed to learn

if you don't show me
how to do it?

You don't know how?

No.
I don't know anything.

The guys were teasing me
about it earlier.

Well, I probably
would tease you, too.
Yeah, butbut,

I mean, it's not my fault.
You never showed me anything.

I thought this was something
you'd learn in school.

Well...

Well, II don't,
I don't love this Dennis, but,

if you want, you can sit
in the corner and watch.

But no eye contact

'cause that'll throw me
off my game.

OOkay.
All right.

Come on, let's go in
before the pill kicks in.

YYeah. Okay.

Honey.

Yeah, what I'm saying is
Silly String's not so silly

when it's stuck
in a wheel bearing.

So, actions do have
consequences. You know?

Smokey! Filing a damage report
here, boss.

I don't know what to tell you.

I'm gonna have to
sell the joint.

Lot of good people
are gonna lose their jobs.

Kills me, but it's over.

Oh, no.

18, 19.
Worth every penny.

2,000. There's a little
something in there for you.

Yeah, whatever.
Say hello to your sister.

Well, there you go. You happy?

Wha...

What was that?

That's how it's done.

Uh, it was a little fast,
but she was hot.

I f... I feel like
I just watched you

have sex with a prostitute.

Yeah.
Why?

What do you mean why?
It was your idea.

I didn't want
to watch you have sex.

I didn't want you
to watch me have sex, either.

I thought you were gonna
show me what you do at work.

This is what I do at work.

Well...
does Mom know about this?

Don't bring
your mother into this.

I'm not gonna
let you watch next time.

I don't want to watch next time!

I didn't want
to watch this time!

All right, look,
you're officially fired.

Whatwhat?

This is not working out
for me, Dennis. Youyou...

you watched me bang, I mean,
and now you're whining.

You're gonna go cry
to your mommy. It's too much.

I don't even know what it is
I'm being fired from.

Look... Here.

Here's five grand.

Whatwhat is this?

That's to keep your mouth shut.
That's your paycheck.

II don't understand.
What is happening?

That's your severance pay.
My sever...

Go on.

I don't understand any of this!

♪

Sup, son.
I'm having the best night.

I just sold two ounces
of Compton Endo.

Yeah, well, all right,

II hate to rain on your
drugdealing parade, but, um,

Smokey's selling
this joint, man.

So what? I could
deal drugs wherever.

Hey, you should
come work for me, man.

I'm making mad Benjamins, son.

Holy shit.

Whoa, dude, there's got to be,
like, $80 in there.

It's $4,000, Charlie.

Yeah, I made it in,
like, two hours.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

Shit, man, but, like,
isn't dealing drugs,

isn't that kind of dangerous?

Damn straight it is, Charlie.

That's why I got myself a gat.

Dude. You have a gun?

Yeah.
Cool, huh?

Put that shit away, all right?

Don't let Smokey
see you with that.

Oh.
Oh.

Hey, guys.
Hey, Sweet Dee.
Hey, Dee.

Charlie, can you tighten
the axle nuts on these?

My friends and I are working on
sort of a farewell routine.

Oh, got to tighten
them Dee's nuts.

Dee's nuts.

They're your nuts,
so I said, "Dee's nuts." Like...

Yeah, II'm sorry. I just don't
find crass humor that funny.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah, sorry.

Oh, yeah. Um, but, Dee,
just a quick headsup,

like, if I tighten up
these nuts, it's gonna...

Dee's nuts. Now I said it.

That happens.

I'm so sorry.
Butbut in all seriousness,

ifif I do tighten up the, uh,

the axle nuts,
it's gonna slow you down.

I know. The thing is,
my friends,

they're just not as fast as me,

and I don't want to hurt
their selfesteem,

so I just figured if I make
myself slower, everyone's happy.

Oh, that's super nice of you.
Oh, yeah.

Hey, and don't forget,
positive energy.

Positive energy.
Cool.
Positive.

There's my beeper.
Oh, shit.

That thing is really cool.
I'll admit that.

Cool? Charlie, in 20 years,

everybody's gonna have a beeper.
Mark my words.

Yeah, yeah. Also, you keep
saying that, and I don't know

if you're, like,
fully expecting me to, like,

mark these words down 'cause
I don't have, like, a pen on me.

Okay, come on, let's go.
They'rethey're outside.

Yeah, okay. Uh, all right.
Stepping away, Smoke.

All right, be cool.
Just play it cool, man.

Yeah, I'm just nervous, dude.
I've never done something

against the law,
really, like this.

Nah, it'sit'sit's
not that hard.

It's not that hard.
Oh, here they come.

Here they come.
Is this the guy?

These are our guys?
Yeah, I think that's him. Yeah.

Yeah, that's him. Okay.

It's very easy. It's very easy.

Just walk up there,
you say, "How much?"
Mmhmm.

"How much do you want?"

They tell you, and then...
Uhhuh.

...you throw the bags in,
they throw the money out,

and that's it.
End of transaction.

Okay, cool. II can do that.

And then, um, maybe
I'll introduce myself, too?

Put a name to the face 'cause
customer service is important.

No.
Um...

No, no, don't do that
because it's not.

It's a drug deal.

Yeah, but if they don't feel
comfortable, you know, like,

knowing me, they might not
return as customers.

You don't want them to know you.

They will return,
no matter what,

because they're
addicted to the drugs.

Oh.
That's how it works.

Oh. Okay, cool.
Yeah.

One more thing.

Take off the skates.
Yeah, but if I take off

the skates, I'm gonna have to
walk over there in my socks

'cause I skated to work today.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, that's not gonna
look cool, right?
Okay, fine. Yeah.

Uh, thatthat's them.
Okay, I'll walk on my toes,

so you can't tell
I'm on skates.
What? No.

You might as well just,

you might as well
just skate over.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Coming.

OOne minute.

Evening.

Jesus Christ.

♪ I got five on it...♪
Hi. II'm Charlie.

I'll be taking care
of you guys this evening.

Uh, uh, how we doing?

Let me get five.

FFive, yeah, sure.

Uh, five for the fine fella.

"I got five on it."

Sorry, it's...

I'm a little thrown off.
I was expecting

you guys to be
so much older than me. Um...

One second.
Let me get it out here.

Okay. Five. One,

two, three... Whoa. Dropped one.

Sorry. It's three, four, five.

Sorry. It's my,
it's my first night.

II'm in training, so...

Uh, thank you
for your patience.

Um, so I'm gonna need 40, uh,

$40...

for, uh...

I'm gonna-I'm gonna need $40!

Oh, no, he didn't.

We got a problem here, fellas?

Yeah, hehehe's got
a gun, so...
That's a gat.

I got a gat.

Shoot the tires.
Um...

What the hell is this?

Uh, that's the handle.
Just the handle.

I can see that. You're
carrying around a gun handle?

Yeah, I found it in the trash.

It's still cool, though.
Oh, my God.

Dude, that was so stupid.

We could've gotten killed, Mac.

No, no, there's no b--
there's no bullets.

You can't get killed
'cause there's not--

You can't get shot.
With their gun!

Oh, with their gun.

Yeah, with their gun
we could've gotten killed.

Oh! Got one.

All right, well,
look on the bright side, Mac.

We just made a quick 25 cents.

Hey. Hey, guys.
Why the long faces?

Smokey's selling the rink.

What?
Yeah.

And Mac's
a terrible drug dealer,

as am I, apparently.

I just don't know what I'm gonna
do with the rest of my life now.

How was work with your dad?

Oh, uh, yeah, it was cool.
You know, um,

I learned a lot, but II
don't really think it's for me.

Oh?

Really? Why? Like, what it is?

WhatWhat's the work?

Uh, it'sit'sit's
complicated, you know?

ItIt's, um, messy,

andandand I don't want
to describe what I saw.

Why?

Look, suffice it to say,

II don't want to have
anything to do

with that kind of business,
you know what I mean?

And I'm starting to think
that my dad's a bad man.

Really?

You know what, man?

You can go your own way.
You're your own man.

Mark my words,

you're probably never
gonna see that guy again

for the rest of your life.

I hope not.

Yeah.

Guys, check this out.

What if we...

what if we went into business,
like, for ourselves?

Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.

Likelike, we do what Dennis's
dad does at work, right,

but we do it with each other.

You don't want to do
what my dad does, okay?

And definitely not
with each other.

All right.
Um, so, I'd like to clarify

by saying that I think
what we should do

is invest in ourselves.

Yeah, I mean, like,
right, that's what I mean.

Like, check this out, like, what
if we buy the rink from Smokey?

Oh, shit.

We own the roller rink?
Yeah.

Like, the three of us,
together as partners?

Mmhmm.
Oh.

II got four grand right here.

Oh, my God. That's crazy.

I just got five grand
from my dad.

Oh, dudes, that's perfect.
I just got 25 cents,

uh, from the machine over there.

25 cents is not gonna
get us shit, man.

Oh, no, I mean,
I just got it now.

I have more saved up.

Well, okay, well,
how much do you have total?

From the machines
and my paycheck

and just, like,
saving the quarters and shit,

I've saved up, like, $57,000.

Holy shit, man.
Oh, that'sthat'sthat's...

Uh...
You know what?

That actually might be enough

for an equal partnership
with us.
Yes.

Yeah. Well...
Yeah.

Equal doesn't quite
make sense...
Hey, you know what,

I'm starving.
Do they have sandwiches here?

Well, yeah, you know,
they do have sandwiches.

Would you like a sandwich?
Yeah. You want something
with meat on it?

The sandwiches
are good, but, like...

I'mI'm paying.
I'll pay for the sandwich.

Equal just doesn't
totally make sense.

Let's give it up for
the Sweet Dee Skaters.

They'rethey're
starting the dance.
All right, here we go.

And then we'll have
sandwiches...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely. Oh, man.
Let's go, Dee!

Yeah. Looking good.
All right. Go, Dee!

Oh, thanks, guys. You rock!
Let's go, Sweet Dee!

Come on, Dee.

Yeah. All right. Let's go, sis.

Come on, Dee!

♪ Take this pink ribbon
off my eyes♪

♪ I'm exposed,
and it's no big surprise♪

♪ Don't you think I know♪

♪ Exactly where I stand?♪

♪ This world
is forcing me to hold♪

♪ Your hand♪

♪ 'Cause I'm just a girl...♪

Look at her go, man.
Yeah, she's really flying, huh?

Imagine if she didn't have to
slow down for her friends.

She doesn't have to. No, no, no.

II-When she asked me
to tighten her skates,

I secretly loosened them,
you know,

'cause real friends don't
slow each other down, right?

They help them soar.

♪ ...let me have any rights...♪

Oh. Oh!

Oh!
Oh, shit!
Ooh!

Goddamn.

Ooh. That was brutal.

You all right?

Hey. Stop it! Get off me, bitch!

Hey, sis, areare you okay?

You hit your head
pretty hard there.

Yeah, I'm fine,
you smallhaired cunt.

Whoa.
What? Excuse me?

It was a joke, okay?

Oh, you don't understand humor?

It was a joke.
That's why she was...

Oh.
Oh.

Heyhey, Dee, um,
we're gonna buy the rink.

Do you want to be
partowner with us?

Oh, oh, oh, are you?

Yeah, we could really use
your positive attitude.

Oh, oh, oh, could you?

You know
what you could also use?

A breath mint
'cause your mouth smells

like you just ate
a giant slice of shit pizza.

Okay, I'm confused, Dee.
DDo you want to be in?

NNNNNo, Charlie.

Thank you, anyway,
but I don't want to be involved

with you losers, okay?
'Cause you're losers.

I'm moving to Hollywood.

I'm gonna get rich,
I'm gonna get famous,

and I'm probably
gonna marry Scott Wolf.

Get out of my way, bitch!
Leave me alone!

Sweet Dee is not being
very sweet.

You know what?
She just got her bell rung.

She's gonna be fine.

Oh, dude,
that's what it is, right?

II'm sure by tomorrow
it'll wear off,

and she'll be back to spreading
her sunshine again, right?
Yeah.

Yeah.
All right, come on,
let's go buy this rink.

Yeah. Let's do it.
All right. Let's go buy
a roller rink.

Smokey!

You want to buy my joint?

Absolutely, Smokey.
I mean, look, uh,

we heard you're selling it,
and wewe want to be the buyers.

Yeah, and we will pay any price.

Yeah. Well, well,
hanghang on a second.

No, we won't pay any price.

We'll pay the appropriate price
for a roller rink.

The rink?

I don't own this place.

I just work here
for the free parking.

Oh.
Oh.

I own the bar around the corner.

There's a bar
around the corner?
Yeah.

Yeah.

That place is a real dump.

Oh. Okay. Uh...
Okay.

Uh, we'll take it. Any price.
Well, well, hang on a second.

We don't know if we'll take it.
We haven't even seen it yet.
Stop saying that.

You are a terrible negotiator.
How do you...?

He's a really bad drug dealer,
too, man.

I can tell.
Yeah.

Paddy's, huh?

You guys like that name?

No.
No.
No, right?

No, it's terrible.
It's pretty bad.
We'll change it.

Yeah.
Definitely. First thing we do.

Yeah.
Mmhmm.

Should we check it out?
Yeah.

Smells like fish.
You guys smell that?

Yeah.
It does smell like fish.

Get a cooler sign, you know?
Yeah.

'Cause it's kind of, like,
old and wooden.

Huh.

Yeah, uh...

I mean, you know,

doesn'tdoesn't quite
have the same pageantry

as a roller rink, but, uh...

Well, there's aa palpable
sadness in here.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel that.

And a stink, right?
Like... Yeah.
Yeah.

But that said, I mean,
you know, it's got potential.

Right. It doesn't have
to be this, right?

Like, check it out.

We could gut this place,
make it totally our own, right?

Yes. Yes!
Make it whatever we want.
Yes.

Yes. We could become really
successful bar owners, right?

Of course we could, dude.
Like, the most

successful bar owners in all
of South Philadelphia,

in all of the country.
That's reasonable.

Guys, mark my words,

when we're finished
with this place,

you're not even
gonna recognize it.

I got a lot of things wrong.
Yeah.

Yeah. We really didn't
change that much.

No. No, you haven't even
changed clothes, for instance.

You're still wearing
the same sweatshirt.

Hey, can I talk to you guys

about the, uh, percentage
shares of the bar for a second?

Oh, shit. Uh...

Sandwiches.
We were gonna get...

Oh, yeah, wewe got,
uh, sandwiches.

Yeah, we got sandwiches
from a place, and, uh...
Are you hungry?

Yeah, you hungry?
You want a sandwich?

Yeah.
Yeah.

You're gonna
have to pay for it.
Let's get Charlie a sandwich.

I'm gonna check
the sandwich thing out.

♪ Don't it always seem to go♪

♪ That you don't know what
you've got till it's gone?♪

♪ They paved paradise,
put up a parking lot♪

♪ Ooh, bopbopbopbop♪

♪ Ooh,
bopbopbopbop♪

♪ They took all the trees♪

♪ Put 'em in a tree museum♪

♪ And they charged the people♪

♪ A dollar and a half
just to see 'em♪

♪ Don't it always seem to go♪

♪ That you don't know what
you've got till it's gone?♪

♪ They paved paradise,
put up a park...♪