It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 7 - full transcript

♪ ♪

This is unbelievable.

It's an outrage.
It's unAmerican is what it is.

I thought this was
a free country.

Free. This is censorship.
That's what it is.

What ever happened
to free speech, huh?

You tell me that.

Frank, we're not
inside your head, man.

We don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

Lethal Weapon 5
and 6 are gone.

Huh? What do you mean
they're gone?

They removed them
from the library.

They got pulled?
Yeah. The lady said
they took them down

because of insensitivity.

Huh. Well, I'll be honest
with you guys,

I'm not sure how we, uh,
talked the local library

into displaying those movies
in the first place.
Yeah.

Yeah.
They were works of art.

Well, well, yeah, I mean,
they would've been works of art

had Mac not ruined them
with his blackface.

Okay. Look, uh, my heart
was in the right place,

and III feel awful
about it now.

Look, you never should've
done it in the first place.

That was the whole point of the
conversation we were having.

I told you not to do it, man.
I know, I know, but, look,

I've done a lot of learning
over the past year,

as we all have.

That's true.
We've also done
a lot of growing.

That's true.

A lot of learning,
a lot of growing,

and a lot of being scared.
Yeah.

Yeah.
And, guys, fear is a great
motivator to do the right thing.

Ooh.
Yeah, yeah. Frank, look,
while it is, uh, awful

that they removed our movies,

I think it's probably best
in this instance

to just let sleeping dogs lie.

Yeah, yeah.
Yes.

We'll just put them
in the past, and we'll move on.

Yeah, yeah.
Guys, Lethal Weapon 5 and 6
are in the past.

Right.
Now we have

the path forward
and the knowledge

to do the right thing.
Mmhmm.

And I think it's obvious
what that right thing is.

Make Lethal Weapon 7.

Yes.
Absolutely.
Right?

Let's get going on it.

The show must go on, right?
Yeah.

♪ ♪

You know, as we all know, guys,

our Lethal Weapon movies
were always intended

to be a trilogy that followed
a trilogy, plus a sequel,

but the most important thing

is making sure that this
third movie in a series of seven

can be seen and enjoyed
by audiences

of today's moral
and ethical standards.

Mmhmm.
Right, because
thethe first time

we made that one mistake,
and that was...
Mmhmm.

Well, uh, actually two,

because you did blackface
in the sequel.

Oh.
Ooh, right. The two mistakes.

Yeah, well, uh,
so did Dee, actually.

Okay, so three, we
three mistakes.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you've

also done multiple insensitive
characters in the past,

you know, on and offscreen.
You've played...

I don't know if that's
going into the conversation

we're having here.
It should.

Yeah, well, and Frank
did redface in...
What?

That's also frowned upon.
Oh, Christ Almighty.

It's also frowned upon.
Okay, you know what?
Let's not... Six, seven,

eight, nine, ten mistakes.
It wasn't red,
it was brown.

Guys, let's not get into it,
because Hollywood

has a very clear moral code

on mistakes.
Okay, you get one, right?
Mmhmm.

Like Woody Allen, right?
Roman Polanski.

One mistake and that was it.

Uh, no, actually, those guys

continued to make films
for the next 40 years.

Oh. Uh, Bill Cosby.

Well, he made about
50 mistakes.

Andand I would
actually argue that

all these things
we're talking about,

theythey weren't
so much mistakes

as they were
violent sexual crimes.

Yeah.
Right.

You know, but either way,
look, the point is,

I think we should make
a few adjustments

to the script, you know,
and to our casting choices,

to make sure that this film is
palatable to a modern audience.

Mmhmm. Mmhmm.
Mmhmm. Mmhmm.

Okay, as long as I get to
bang the broad.

Jesus.
Uh, I think

we might want
to avoid that, as well.

How about a blow job then?
Um...

Look, a hand job
or I'm not paying for this.

Ew.

That's a very important part
of the filmmaking process.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I ain't paying for it
unless I get a hand job.

You don't
even like hand jobs.
Fine. You can get a hand job,

but it's got to be under
a towel or a blanket

because I don't want to see
your genitalia.

Cancancan we just talk about

the elephant in the room?

Right? Let's talk
about Murtaugh.

Yes.
Now, uh, obviously,
I will not be playing Murtaugh

in Lethal Weapon 7.
Yeah.

Right.
Yeah.

OOkay.

I will be magnanimously

taking a step back.

Right.
Yeah.

I feel like you're
talking really slow

and taking a bunch of pauses.
I don't know what's going on.

II'm waiting for you guys
to praise me.

Uh, what?
Why?

Oh, 'cause I'm doing
something antiracist,

and I think I deserve praise
for that, do I not?

You don't get praise for telling
people you're not racist.

Then why am I doing it?

Why don't we just
move on from this, guys?

Uh, let's move past that.
Yeah.

Yeah. All right.
Yeah.
Yes, please.

Let's make the movie.

Let's make a movie!
Let's dive in.

Yeah, it's gonna be easy.
Okay. Let's make a movie.

It's gonna be fun.
We're over,
we're overthinking it.

G'day, former partner.

Sorry I'm a little late.

I got stuck up on
some traffic on the 405.

Yeah, I got off at Sepulveda,

and then II made my way
over to Moorpark.

From there, I sort of
wiggled down to Tujunga,

then I tickytackied over
to the, to the Laurel Canyon.

Oh, my God, what is she doing?

That accent is terrible.

And what's with
all the directions?

Why is she explaining so much?

Well...
Oh, yeah.

WWe found that people
had, uh, no idea

where the characters were
in the first two,

so we thought we'd clear it up.

Everyone was confused about
where things were happening

and what things were happening.

Where props came from,
et cetera.
Sure, sure.

Well, hopefully,
Murtaugh's good.
Yeah.

Oh, whowho did you wind up
getting for that?

Oh, well, so, Frank
went under the bridge to get

a prostitute for his sex scene.

He talked the pimp
into playing Murtaugh,

so, you know,
some guy named Pepper Jack,

or something like that. Yeah.
Okay.

Pepper Jack?
Yeah, you know this guy?

Yeah.
All right.
Oh, cool.

That's okay, partner.
I'm just glad you're here.

Let's start the party now.
Yeah.

Happy birthday, little baby ho.
I wish your ho mama

Riggs' wife and my daughter
could be here to see this,

but she died.

Run along and play,
little bitch.

Have fun.

Now, this is all wrong. I mean,
he's playing it like a pimp.

Well, he is a pimp.

So, give him the note.
So, you...

Give him the note.
Just tell him to tone it...

Yeah,
tell him to tone it down.

You mean...
Yeah.

You guys can give it to him.

No, you give it to him
'cause you're the director.
Yeah.

Oh. What's that?

You know what? It's me phone.

It's been in my pocket
the whole time.

Well, go ahead,
answer it, bitch.

Yeah. Okay.

G'day. How you going?

Sorry to interrupt, boys.

I hope you're having
as much fun as I am.

I know we all enjoy

a big bang.

Wait, wait, wait.
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

This ain't working for me.

It's not working for me.
Cut. Okay.

It's just not working.
Okay, cut,

cut, cut, cut, cut. No.
'Cause, uh...

Guys, take five.
Yeah, I say that.

I say, "Take five." Also, I say,
"Cut," guys, 'cause I am the,

I'm the director.
Okay, listen.
Listen, Frank.

I agree. It's not working.
Okay, Dee is terrible.

Okay. She's terrible,
but it's not her, it's my thing.

I'm talking about Look,

like, first of all, it's just,

you know, I say, "Big bang."

I ain't even banging this chick.

Yeah, that's a good point.
It's continuity.

Yeah.
Okay.
Doesn't make sense.

You're right.
Okay, maybe you could say,

"I'm sick of getting
jerked around.

I'm ready to explode."
Yeah.

Look, I don't think
it's too much to ask

for me to have
a little real stuff.

Okay, listen, Frank,

you should not be actually
having sex with anybody.

It's called acting, Dennis.

No. Mm.
Marlon Brando

got to jam butter
up his costar's orifice

against her will
and got nominated for an Oscar.

We could make this
more of an art house film.

I'm open to it.
She is a prostitute,
so I don't know

what the rules are...
I don't want butter
to get involved.

It's gonna get... Oh.
Uh,
excuse me, gents.

Yeah, uh...

So, uh, how'd I do?

Oh, Mac. Yeah, you were, uh...
Yeah, Mac had a note.

You were gonna give some notes.
Yes. Uh, yes. Uh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's this?
Now, I hope you're not, uh,

hating on Pepper Jack's flow?

No. No, no,
I'm not hating on your...

I mean, I feel, like,
I'mI'm in the way here.

Are my headphones working?
Well, you guys,
you're not in the way.

Are yours, are yours working?
You guys are... Yeah.

Um, no. II think what

Your flow is great. I think
what you're doing's great.

The thing is,
maybe this next take,

you could do it
a little bit more...

A little more...

...Pepper Jack.
Yeah.

A little bit more Pepper Jack.

That's what I was thinking.
Okay.

Yeah. Okay.
Well, okay then.

Now we cooking. All right.
Okay. We're cooking.

Thank you, Pepper Jack.
Thank you.
Hey, no problem, man.

Little more Pepper Jack.
Hey, man,

you didn't give him the note.

Yeah. Well...

Guys, look, II just don't think

we should be silencing
Black voices.

Guys, there's a larger issue
at play here,

and that is that all the
people of color that we know

are people of the bridges
and the streets, okay?

Look, they're pimps and
prostitutes, which, I tell you,

says a lot more about us

than it does about them,
that's for sure.

That's not a great look.
That's not...

We're gonna have to do
some real soulsearching.

We should really open up our...
Yeah, absolutely.

We got to dig real deep
into our contacts,

and we got to find, like,
diverse voices that don't...

Yeah.
Uh, oh, guys, actually,

I think I know how to kill
two birds with one stone.

Thank you for the opportunity,
and I'm hip to your hustle.

Bringing a woman of color
to spice things up.

Eh?

Wait, wherewhere is she?
Where is she?

The woman of color?
Is right here.

You're a woman of color?

Yeah, I'm Persian.

That's the ethnicity
from Iran. Hello?

He's, uh, ignorant.
Anyway,

there's a dearth of Iranian
female directors, so thank you.

Uh...

Yeah, uh, to be clear, you
will be the assistant director.

Okay, we'll see.
Now, let's talk about payment.

I will accept
the following things:

coins, cash,

checks,

food, vape pens,
pens in general, scissors.

Sure. Let'slet's move on
from this.

Uh, guys, uh...

I made a few changes
to the script

because Dee was, well,
she was terrible.

Oh, I could see that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I sent her out to lunch,

and I'd like to shoot
before she gets back.

So can we do that?
Let's do this.

Let's shoot. Okay, guys,
let's get to places.

Okay, guys, let's get to places.

Uh, well, I
That's what the director...
Well, let's get to places.

Let's get to places.
Director in the house.

Okay, fine.
I'll give the note.
Can you just let her speak?

Well, you Okay. Uh, yes.
Can you let her speak?

Wow.

Good day, former partner.
Sorry I'm late.

II got a little upjammed
traffic on the 504, uh, 450,

on the highway.

Uh, I got off on "Spellybada,"

but I took that all the way down
to Moorpark.

And then I took that down
to "Tacaha" Cucamonga.

And then I tackied all the way
over to Laurel Canyon. Ticky.

Uh, this is gonna be tough
to cut around.

Artemis, diddid
you give Pepper Jack the note?

Yes. Yeah, I simply asked him

if he's ever been
to a child's birthday party.

He said yes.
I said, "Take us to that place.

Make it authentic
to your experience."

What? What do you mean
this is not my kid?

Are you motherfuckers
kidding me?

I've been paying child support
for five years,

and Pepper Jack's
pullout game is strong.

So, if I don't get
some answers real fast,

Pepper Jack about to cut
all of y'all.

Oh. Oh, shit.

Go with it, Charlie.
We can use it.

What's next? Come on. The phone.

The phone. The phone.
We're going to the phone bit.

Fix it, Charlie. Fix it.
All right, yeah.

Oh, man, I would cut,
I would cut someone, too. Damn.

Yeah, I'm sure you do have a
good pullout game, Pepper Jack.

Uhoh. What's that?
This is phone,

that I've whole had
on me this time.

Uh, hello, who's this?
It's Charlie uh, Riggs.

Sorry to interrupt, boys.

I hope you're having as much...
Honey, what is the matter?

Uh, I'm fine.
Keep going, keep going.

I don't think your dick work.

He might need an anal stimulant.

Candy, get the butter!

No! No butter.
There's no butter involved.

What about
the Brando thing, Frank?

It don't work the other way.
Yeah, it does.

Uh, Frank?

You gonna have to
pay Pepper Jack,

whether you bust a nut or not.

You understand that, don't you?

I don't know what's happening.
Are we still in the scene?

That's my Fraggle Rock thermos.
He stole that from me.

Wh... What's this?

Are you guys
shooting without me?
Dee's here.

CCut.
Goddamn it, Dee!

Cut.
Yeah, cut.
Cut.

Goddamn it, Dennis.

Let's take a five, everybody.
Let's take a five.

Listen. Guys, none of this
is working.

You think we got to fire
Pepper Jack?

No, no, no, no, no.

His anger and intensity
areare good, you know?

Just... not for
this role.

I think we need
to recast Murtaugh.

We need someone lovable,
someone versatile,

someone with the skill, range,

and talent of one of the best
actors of our generation.

We need Don Cheadle.

You know Don Cheadle?

No. But I know the guy
that plays him.

Hey, partner. Happy you made it.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

People be driving
like bitches on the 405.

And my level of intensity

is because I am crazy
on account of my wife's murder.

In case anybody is feeling
uncomfortable about it.

I think this is working.
This is, like, way better.

That's okay.
I'm just glad you're here.

Man... Whew.

We getting too old
for this shit, huh?

Well, yeah, we are.

Hey. Happy birthday, baby girl.

Now, I...

I...

II know I haven't always
been there for you,

but I want you

to know I'm always,

always with you.

Right here.

In your heart.

Whoa, he's really good.
He's good.

He's really good.
He's the he's a real actor.

He's the real deal.
Okay. Here comes
our new villain, guys.

Fingers crossed it works.

Hold that thought, son.
My shit be blowing up.

Talk to me.

Excuse me?

What are you doing in this park
in my neighborhood?

Who is this, bitch?

It's Karen. Karen White.

And I live in this neighborhood,
and I am sure that you do not.

And if you don't leave right
now, I will call the police,

and I will tell them
you attacked me.

I just don't understand
how this is a villain.

Well, one of the last socially
acceptable groups to villainize

are entitled white women.
Mm.

It's just, like,
making me uncomfortable.

You know what I mean?

It's not fun, is it?
It's no fun.

No. She's a cunt. She's a cunt.
You want our movie to be fun.

She's a little bit cunty.
It's just too real.

Damn it, guys.
I really wanted this to work.

I really did,

but maybe putting up
any group of people as villains

these days is potentially
problematic. I don't know.
Yeah.

Maybemaybe villains
shouldn't be people at all, huh?

Wait, you're
totally right. Right?

Like wh Like what
if we make the villain,

like, a big dog
or something, right?

Or a bunch of raccoons

stacked up in a trench coat?
You know?

Or a trench coat
full of bees flying around?

Like, that would scare me.
Imagine seeing that.
Bees! Bees are cool.

Bees are scary.
What about,

like, a plague?
An act of God.

All the best villains
in the Bible were acts of God.

A tsunami.

Ooh, but, you know what?
Let's call it a tidal wave.

That feels
less racially charged.

Yeah. Right, right.
I don't want to say that

I don't want to say
that all waves are Asian.

Yeah, you want to make sure
that waves are, you know...

Just neutral.
Yeah. Notnot culturally...

That's good, that's good.
Um...

Hey, happy birthday, baby girl.

I know I haven't always
been there for you.

But...

I'm always with you.

Right here,

in your heart.

Uh, hhold all that crying, man.

Let me II
My shit be blowing up.

Yeah, yeah. Go on.

Oh. It says, "Look behind you."

Oh, no!

Tidal wave!
Where'd that come from?

Well, no country specifically.

Just an act of God, I guess.

No God specifically,
just the universe

or whatever.

This is a piece of shit.
Yeah.

I can't work like this.
No.

We can't even
get past the first scene.

Well, I don't know what
the point of making a movie is

if we can't even be in it.
Yeah, or bang whores.

All right, guys, listen.

We can still do this.
Okay, what about this?

What if Riggs and Murtaugh

start to shoot out a path
so that the tidal wave moves

to a field that's been
decimated by climate change.

That doesn't even
make any sense.
Climate change? That's so dumb.

That sucks, man. I don't want
to watch that movie.

Guys, I know it's not great,
all right?

But it's the right thing to do,

and we have to do
the right thing.

Since when do you care
about doing the right thing?

Guys, guys, listen, listen.

Over the course
of the last year,

I've learned to listen,
to not talk, to grow.

Guys, I'm woke.

Okay? Now, let me tell you
how I reached this awakening.

I was on a date, and, as usual,
I fibbed about my age a bit

so I could score
a younger prospect.

The woman was in her 20s,
and the date

was going quite well,
or so I thought.

It becomes just, like, so clear

that the patriarchy

isis really just
an offshoot of privilege.

Uh, 100%. Yeah.

No, I Yeah. Um...

You know, you have
the most beautiful eyes.

Thanks. D

Don't you agree with what
I was just saying, though?

Abso Yeah. Tot I mean, yeah.
Whatever.

Whatever?
Listen, can...

can we just keep this light,
you know?

I'mI'm less interested
in politics

and more interested
in what makes you tick.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you're gross. God.

The young generation

on the left seemed to be
a tough nut to crack,

so I turned my attention

to the youth of the right.

Socialists are ripping away
our freedom.

Totally.
It's a slippery slope

until we are living
in a failed welfare state.

Right. Hey, what do you say
we get out of here

and get into our own
slippery state?

You know what I mean, Lisa?

No.

I'm talking about us banging,
you conservative little minx.

Pig.

I was learning.

This generation
is more socially active

on both sides
of the aisle, so...

this time, I engaged.

I mean, don't you agree?
Yes.

We need to allow others
a chance to speak for once.

Well, yes, but even
by saying, "Allow,"

you're implying that
you have all the power.

Uh, but I thought you were
saying I did have the power?

Are you twisting my words?

No. I'm just, uh...

I'm just trying to understand

what the hell you're
talking about. II can't follow.

See? This is exactly
what old people always do.

Old people?
Uhhuh.

I'm 26.

But my rational thinking

and my desire for an open
dialogue were a dead giveaway.

It was all starting

to make sense.

See, this generation
doesn't even understand

half the shit
that they're saying.

They aren't
more ethical than us.

They just want
to be perceived as such.

And who could blame them?

I mean, they've spent
their entire adult lives

only 280 characters away

from being tweeted
into oblivion.

Either way,

I took a new tack...

We need to use our privilege

as much as we
possibly can to protect people.

How can you not see that?

We need to use our privilege

to protect people
as much as we can.

How can I not see that?

Because if we don't, who will?
Because if we don't, who will?

Exactly. What we need
is a revolution.

Exactly.
What we need is a revolution.

Simply regurgitating
back to them

exactly what they're saying
to each other

in their ridiculous
echo chambers

is all they want.

And then, we can get
what we want.

Yes, Daddy!

Daddy!

Oh, also they're riddled
with insecurity

and have serious daddy issues,
so that helps.

Guys, we have to listen
to the young.

Otherwise,
we are doomed to have sex

with only old people
for the rest of our lives,

and I won't do that.

No.
Right.

Oh, my God.

I never thought about that, man.

So, you know what I say?

Finger on the pulse,
finger on the puss.

Ew.

Ew.
That's gross.

I see what you're saying now.
Soso what do we do?

I'll tell you exactly
what we're gonna do.

:
All right.

Uh, hi.

Hey, hey.
Uh, Mr....

Cheadle Uh, Donovan McNabb...

TTiger Woods, Elvin

whatevwhatever your name is.
Um, listen,

we have, uh, we have come
to the conclusion that, um,

you and only you
have the knowledge,

the experience and thethe
authenticity to tell this story.

So, we are gonna do the right
thing. We're gonna, we're gonna

do the woke thing,

and hand complete
creative control

over to you...

I feel like you were
gonna say something else?

Well...
I think he was waiting
for the applause.

Well...

Oh. Okay? Uh...

Oh, yeah! Yay!
Sure, sure.

If you must.

It's nice when it happens,
isn't it?

Feels nice.
Sure. Nice when
it happens naturally.

When it happens naturally,
I like it.

Yeah, um, listen, the point is,

we want you to know
that we are allies.

Great.

Okay?
We are allies.

We are your allies.
Up top.
Allies!

Yes, yes, yes.

We're on your side.

But were they?

Lethal Weapon 7 was destined
to be an inferno

of quasiwokeness and, uh,

good oldfashioned racism.

Out of the, uh,

smoldering ashes, however,
I pieced together

a cautionary tale.

An exploration, not of what
is gained by learning,

but of what is lost

by staying ignorant.

Thank you.
Thank you so much. Wow.

Oh, my God.
This is so humiliating.

Where does he get off
telling our story

without even
including us at all?

And he made us look
like assholes.

I feel used.

I feel misunderstood.

What does he know
about our experience?

Yeah. I'll tell you, there's
only one thing left to do.

Make Lethal Weapon 8?

Yup.
Yeah, right?

Yes. Yes!

I'll play Murtaugh.
Goddamn it, Mac.

II'll play Murtaugh.
No! No, no, no, no.

Did you not watch the...
I'll do it good.

♪ ♪