It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 10 - Mac Finds His Pride - full transcript
Mac, Mac, open up!
Let me in!
There's no time to waste! Come on!
Come on, man! I know you're in there!
Oh, that's it! I'm coming in!
Ow! Oh, shit!
I just opened up the old cut.
Why didn't you open the door?
- It wasn't locked.
- Come on, we got to get going.
You got any ice in there? Ow.
They put me in charge.
It's a gay pride parade or something.
Can I use this sock?
Oh, my God.
We're making a float for the parade,
to rope in the gays.
Ow! But we only got 24 hours.
I'm gonna use this newspaper.
I stuff it up. I plug it. Okay.
Well, you're gonna be our prize gay.
You're gonna dance on top.
They told me to get you.
I told 'em,
"I don't get the whole gay thing."
I drew the short straw, so here I am.
Let's roll.
I-I don't want to do that,
because I-I just...
I don't know
where I fit in as a gay man,
and it's starting to get to me.
Oh, Christ! Now?
They give me one job and I got
to deal with your feelings?
I-I don't know. I-I...
I'm not feeling very proud.
A-All right.
Look, Mac, I never really got you.
And-and, to be honest,
now that you're gay,
I get you even less.
Nothing against it.
I just don't get it.
But let's try and work together, okay?
Help me help you, all right?
All right. I guess. Sure.
Okay. Let's go find your pride.
_
Where exactly are you taking me, Frank?
Your problem is you're only
hanging out with straights.
I'm gonna take you to a club
where you can meet a few guys,
maybe snap you
out of that funk you're in.
All right. I just don't know if
I'm ready for a relationship, you know?
You're just scared, is all.
You got to meet a couple of normal gays.
And, by the way, when we're in there,
you got to watch my back.
If one of these queens comes at me,
I'm gonna go berserk.
Frank, you're a 75-year-old man with
a face that looks like hamburger meat.
I'm sure you're safe.
Yeah.
L-Let's try to blend in.
Okay.
Ooh.
Jesus Christ, Frank.
Isn't this what all gay guys are into?
I-I don't think so, but,
either way, I know I'm not into it.
A-All right, all right, relax.
Let's hit the buffet. We'll hang back.
We'll scope out the scene.
Okay? Ooh, look at that.
Ooh. This is a much better spread
than they have at the straight orgies.
- Yeah, I don't feel comfortable in here, Frank.
- Oh. Hmm.
I know. That's why
you got to jump in headfirst.
Go find some nice guys,
smack you around a little bit.
I don't want to get smacked around.
That's part of the culture, Mac.
It's a very small subset of the culture.
And it's totally fine for these guys,
but it's just a little too much for me.
Too... Ow. Oh, and this cut.
I got to take 'em out and restuff.
- Oh, God.
- Goddamn, dude, that is disgusting.
- Mm, I got to plug it. I got to plug it up.
- Oh!
- You're putting it in the chicken?
- Got to... Yeah.
- What are you... Oh, my God.
- No, I got to keep it plugged.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, that's spicy.
Ooh, there must be some hot
sauce on them wings.
They're buffalo wings.
- Let me try one.
- Don't eat the god... Oh, Frank.
Oh, look out. Incoming.
Um, how may we help you?
Mac, unzip this thing,
so we can find out what it wants.
Sir, I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
Why? Because I'm straight?
No. Because you put your
nose rags in the chicken.
Oh, uh, excuse me, Your Highness,
I'll be more careful.
Hey, how much I got to pay you
to let my boy Mac here
take you for a spin?
I'm not a prostitute.
- You do this for fun?
- Yes.
I'm never gonna get it.
I'll never get this.
Why did I get this mission?
- I... You see, I drew the short straw.
- Okay.
- Uh, let's go, Frank. I'm so sorry, sir.
- That's it.
W-We'll be leaving.
Frank, let's just go home.
No, no, no. No, Goldilocks,
we're not going home.
You got to find that pride.
Okay, this place is a little too rough.
I-I admit it. Fine.
We're gonna go someplace softer.
♪ Oh, no, no, finally,
it has happened to me ♪
♪ Right in front of my face,
my feelings can't describe it... ♪
So, you see anything you like?
Not really.
These are drag queens, Frank.
Come on, Mac. Help me out.
I'm sticking my neck out for you
and you're giving me nothing.
How are you sticking
your neck out for me?
I'm running a real risk
coming to a joint like this.
I mean, one false move
and these fairies could
poke me full of holes.
"Fairies"? What year is it in your head?
Well, help me out here, man.
We're running out of time.
When you came out to your father,
did you come out
as a top or a bottom?
A boy or a girl?
Oh, I haven't come out to him yet.
Well, maybe that's it.
You got to tell your dad.
Yeah, I-I just don't think
I can come out and tell him.
I-I feel like I got to show him.
And-and I've been working
on something, actually,
but it's just gonna take me
a few more weeks, so...
No, no, weeks, weeks, no.
We got to be on that float tomorrow.
Look... I don't know
what to tell you, man.
You just don't... you don't know
what's going on inside of me.
Well, I'm sure there's
five or six superviruses
- eating out your insides.
- No, no.
I mean the struggle to be who I am.
I-I just want to show him,
so that he can understand.
All right, well, explain it to me.
Okay, well, there's...
there's, like, this storm inside of me
and-and it's been raging my whole life.
And-and I'm down on my knees
and-and I'm-I'm looking
for answers and then God comes down
to me... and it's a very hot chick...
- and she pulls me up and we start dancing, okay?
- W-Wait, wait, wait.
You're gay and you're
dancing with a hot chick
- who is God?
- Yes.
- The Catholics really fucked you up.
- Oh, you didn't get it?
- I'm never gonna get it.
- Okay. All right.
- Let me start at the beginning, and I'll...
- No, no. Wait.
Christ, I'm sweating.
My-my head is exploding.
I'm gonna try some of this...
put a little of this.
It'll be good.
Ah! Ah!
Ah, shit!
Ah, that burns.
Oh, Christ, it's swelling.
Frank, I think your nose
- is infected, man.
- No, no, no, no.
I got... I'm using this insulation
to plug up the flow. I just...
Yeah, that seems safe.
Oh, shit! Here he comes.
- I'm freaking out.
- Don't-don't dance around it.
Just tell him. Rip the Band-Aid off.
- He'll be cool. You'll see.
- He'll be cool.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he's cool, he's cool.
Yeah.
- Go for it.
- Yeah.
H-Hey.
Hey, Dad! H-Hey, it's, uh...
it's-it's been a couple years.
- So, how you been?
- Yeah.
My cellmate ratted on me
for having an extra pillow.
I cut out his tongue with
a rusty pair of pliers
and fed it to the maggots.
Cool...
Very cool.
So, um...
there's something that, uh,
I've been meaning to
tell you for a while now.
Uh-huh...
All right, there's, like,
a storm inside of me, all right?
And-and-and... and God
sent me an angel...
- an angel, and this... this angel is a woman.
- No. Don't.
And this woman and I...
we start dancing,
and we get very passionate, and then...
It's all very confusing, but in the end,
something new is born.
Well, wha-what he's trying to say...
Oh, I know exactly
what he's trying to say.
My son... finally knocked someone up.
I'm gonna be a grandfather.
- Uh...
- Finally!
Someone to carry on my name.
Yeah, I mean...
You know, I-I could carry on your name.
Yeah. Son, listen to me.
I never really got you, you know?
But now,
I see that there's hope for you yet.
Well, I-I mean, not with your life,
but with the life of your son.
Well, we don't know
that it's gonna be a boy.
Hey, if it's not a boy,
you flush that shit out and try again!
Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
I'll flush that shit out, and you...
I'm gonna give you a boy, Dad.
I'm gonna be a grandfather.
We will! Dad, you are
gonna be a grandfather. Daddy.
Uh, Dad? Dad?
Hey, Dad? Yeah, Dad.
Oh, no, he had to go.
The guards called him back.
The guards called him back.
Oh, that went well.
Frank? Frank?
- Ah! Ah, this goddamn cut!
- Yeah...
- Oh!
- Trying to plug it up.
- Whoa!
- But I can't stop it.
- Holy shit!
- Oh.
I'm using lemon juice and hot
glue to close up the wound.
- Uh, yeah, okay.
- Huh?
- All right, look, where's Mac, dude?
- Huh?
- Mac. You were supposed to get him. Where is he?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Well, is he... is he here? Come on.
- He's coming.
- All right, well, good.
Well, he's super late, though. Come on.
No big deal if he doesn't do it, right?
I mean, we could find somebody else.
Someone else? Come on, come on.
What are you gonna have you, me,
dancing on top of the gay float?
- No.
- No, no, the press'll murder us!
- We need an authentically gay man.
- Huh.
They'll see right through it, man.
They'll kill us.
I didn't know you guys were
taking this so seriously.
We're taking it very seriously.
You know what?
I got something to show you.
Come look, okay?
That will change everything.
Hey-oh!
Holy shit!
- Yeah, right?
- Right? - Huh? Oh!
- I mean, this thing's amazing, man.
- Aw.
Like, it's got a working bar,
it's got these confetti cannons.
- Huh.
- It's even got, like, a shower
- that's gonna pour water on Mac...
- Ooh.
- ...while he does his, like, sexy gay dance...
- Oh!
...or whatever the hell he's
been working on this whole time.
- Yeah.
- So, the only thing that's missing...
- Yeah?
- ...is Mac!
Yeah. Uh, uh...
Yeah, good, good.
No problem, I got that covered.
- I got it.
- I hope so, dude,
'cause you only had one job to do, man.
I got it, I got it.
Go, go. Don't mess around the bar. Go!
Sure. What? Ugh!
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Oh!
Ah, no!
- Mac!
- What do you want, Frank?
You were banging that broad,
weren't you?
You're-you're trying
to get a girl pregnant
just because that's what
your father wants you to do!
- Ah! Ah! Ah.
- No, no. Frank, that's not what it is, man.
You don't understand.
You're going back in the closet,
aren't you?
I can't stand it.
Nobody can stand it. Ah.
I'm not going back in the closet,
all right?
I-I just need to come out to him my way,
and I'm not ready
to do that yet, all right?
Ah! Ah! I don't care!
You're coming with me,
you're going on that float.
No! Frank, I'm not ready.
I don't want to do it,
and you can't make me.
Fine! Fine. Okay.
Stay here and bang your broads
and feel sorry for yourself.
You know, I don't care.
I don't need you. I'll get another gay.
Somebody way hotter than you.
Hey-oh!
Allow me to introduce Paddy's top gay,
a man everybody
in the neighborhood knows,
everybody loves.
The gay that will rope in all the gays.
- Cricket!
- What?
- Hey! Huh?
- Oh! Ah, ha, ha, ha.
Oh! Yeah.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
What the hell, Frank? Where's Mac?
- Mac's out.
- Why?!
- Well, I think he's going back in the closet.
- Goddamn it.
You had one job: get the gay man
to dance on the gay float.
- I know. No, he's, he...
- It's not that hard.
We got a problem. We got a problem.
Dennis doesn't want to drive.
Now he's saying he's
claustrophobic under there.
What is Cricket doing here?
- Because Frank blew it!
- Aw, come on, man.
- You had one job to do.
- That's what I said.
Cricket's gonna do the dance.
Dance, Cricket. Go. Dance.
No. No, no, no. He look... Oh, God.
No! Come on, man.
- No.
- He looks like a monster, and you look like a monster.
We're not trying to invite
a bar full of monster men.
We're-we're looking for
high-spending gay men.
Yeah, but get Dennis to dance.
You can't get the straight man to dance.
The press would murder us.
The press doesn't give
two shits about us.
Frank, it's 2018,
and you're the only person
who doesn't seem
to understand gay culture.
That's true. That's true.
My head is swelling with blood.
Goddamn it, Charlie.
We got to be there in 20 minutes.
All right. You know what?
Um, Cricket, fine.
You can dance. Let's go.
- Yo.
- Frank, can you at least
- drive the thing? Let's go.
- Yeah. All right.
- Yes.
- You're driving. You'll squeeze in there.
- You drive.
- Come on, man. - Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Lady, I'm not going anywhere
until I see an Abraham Lincoln.
- Here you go.
- What is this? What is this?
- Like, 73 cents.
- No. I-I said Abraham Lincoln.
- There's a bunch of Lincolns in there.
- Oh, those are pennies!
- Okay. You want to give it back to me?
- Well, no. Hold on.
- Okay, you're gonna do it?
- Yeah, I'll do it.
- Yes, of course I'll do it.
- Then go do it. Go!
All right, now wait a second.
How do you turn it on? First the lights.
What is that?
Oh, that must be...
Okay, let's see what we got here.
Okay, uh, "Start north on Second Street.
Turn right on... Dickens Avenue."
Straight to... What the...?
Oh. Oh, shit. I...
Oh, God. Oh, this is ridiculous.
Oh, shit, I can't do this.
You know what? Screw this.
No good.
Mac?
Mac?
Mac, come here. Let me in. Let me in.
I'm gonna break the door down!
One. Two. Three.
Whoa. Ah, sh...
Ah, shit!
Jesus, Frank, that's a lot of blood.
Is that from just now?
Oh, no. No, that's from earlier.
You-you see, Mac,
I've been in agony the whole day,
but I came to this realization
that sometimes you got to let
the blood flow
in order to start the healing.
Some cuts you just can't plug up.
That's the same for you.
You got this thing inside you,
and you're trying to plug it up.
But you got to let that shit out.
You got to let it flow.
Otherwise, you're gonna be in
agony for the rest of your life.
So you're saying that
if I dance on the float,
that maybe I'll find my pride?
No. No, forget the float.
That's just doing it
for the wrong reasons.
You got to do something else.
I got you a couple things from the float
that you can use. I paid off the warden.
They think they're seeing
a Blake Shelton concert,
and I put your dad in the front row.
All right, I just...
I just don't know
if I can do this, Frank.
Mac, I don't get it,
and I may never get it,
but I do know you got to do this.
You said you want
to tell your dad your way.
So now do it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hello, gentlemen.
Dudes.
Unfortunately...
Blake Shelton
will not be making it today.
But, uh, he did send me in his stead,
and I've got something special
to show you.
Uh, my name is Ronald McDonald, and...
I named him that.
I got something
that I got to tell you, Dad,
and I've been trying to find
the best way to do it, and...
I just thought instead of saying it,
maybe I could just show
you how I feel inside.
Dad...
I'm gay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Oh, my God.
I get it.
I get it.
Let me in!
There's no time to waste! Come on!
Come on, man! I know you're in there!
Oh, that's it! I'm coming in!
Ow! Oh, shit!
I just opened up the old cut.
Why didn't you open the door?
- It wasn't locked.
- Come on, we got to get going.
You got any ice in there? Ow.
They put me in charge.
It's a gay pride parade or something.
Can I use this sock?
Oh, my God.
We're making a float for the parade,
to rope in the gays.
Ow! But we only got 24 hours.
I'm gonna use this newspaper.
I stuff it up. I plug it. Okay.
Well, you're gonna be our prize gay.
You're gonna dance on top.
They told me to get you.
I told 'em,
"I don't get the whole gay thing."
I drew the short straw, so here I am.
Let's roll.
I-I don't want to do that,
because I-I just...
I don't know
where I fit in as a gay man,
and it's starting to get to me.
Oh, Christ! Now?
They give me one job and I got
to deal with your feelings?
I-I don't know. I-I...
I'm not feeling very proud.
A-All right.
Look, Mac, I never really got you.
And-and, to be honest,
now that you're gay,
I get you even less.
Nothing against it.
I just don't get it.
But let's try and work together, okay?
Help me help you, all right?
All right. I guess. Sure.
Okay. Let's go find your pride.
_
Where exactly are you taking me, Frank?
Your problem is you're only
hanging out with straights.
I'm gonna take you to a club
where you can meet a few guys,
maybe snap you
out of that funk you're in.
All right. I just don't know if
I'm ready for a relationship, you know?
You're just scared, is all.
You got to meet a couple of normal gays.
And, by the way, when we're in there,
you got to watch my back.
If one of these queens comes at me,
I'm gonna go berserk.
Frank, you're a 75-year-old man with
a face that looks like hamburger meat.
I'm sure you're safe.
Yeah.
L-Let's try to blend in.
Okay.
Ooh.
Jesus Christ, Frank.
Isn't this what all gay guys are into?
I-I don't think so, but,
either way, I know I'm not into it.
A-All right, all right, relax.
Let's hit the buffet. We'll hang back.
We'll scope out the scene.
Okay? Ooh, look at that.
Ooh. This is a much better spread
than they have at the straight orgies.
- Yeah, I don't feel comfortable in here, Frank.
- Oh. Hmm.
I know. That's why
you got to jump in headfirst.
Go find some nice guys,
smack you around a little bit.
I don't want to get smacked around.
That's part of the culture, Mac.
It's a very small subset of the culture.
And it's totally fine for these guys,
but it's just a little too much for me.
Too... Ow. Oh, and this cut.
I got to take 'em out and restuff.
- Oh, God.
- Goddamn, dude, that is disgusting.
- Mm, I got to plug it. I got to plug it up.
- Oh!
- You're putting it in the chicken?
- Got to... Yeah.
- What are you... Oh, my God.
- No, I got to keep it plugged.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, that's spicy.
Ooh, there must be some hot
sauce on them wings.
They're buffalo wings.
- Let me try one.
- Don't eat the god... Oh, Frank.
Oh, look out. Incoming.
Um, how may we help you?
Mac, unzip this thing,
so we can find out what it wants.
Sir, I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
Why? Because I'm straight?
No. Because you put your
nose rags in the chicken.
Oh, uh, excuse me, Your Highness,
I'll be more careful.
Hey, how much I got to pay you
to let my boy Mac here
take you for a spin?
I'm not a prostitute.
- You do this for fun?
- Yes.
I'm never gonna get it.
I'll never get this.
Why did I get this mission?
- I... You see, I drew the short straw.
- Okay.
- Uh, let's go, Frank. I'm so sorry, sir.
- That's it.
W-We'll be leaving.
Frank, let's just go home.
No, no, no. No, Goldilocks,
we're not going home.
You got to find that pride.
Okay, this place is a little too rough.
I-I admit it. Fine.
We're gonna go someplace softer.
♪ Oh, no, no, finally,
it has happened to me ♪
♪ Right in front of my face,
my feelings can't describe it... ♪
So, you see anything you like?
Not really.
These are drag queens, Frank.
Come on, Mac. Help me out.
I'm sticking my neck out for you
and you're giving me nothing.
How are you sticking
your neck out for me?
I'm running a real risk
coming to a joint like this.
I mean, one false move
and these fairies could
poke me full of holes.
"Fairies"? What year is it in your head?
Well, help me out here, man.
We're running out of time.
When you came out to your father,
did you come out
as a top or a bottom?
A boy or a girl?
Oh, I haven't come out to him yet.
Well, maybe that's it.
You got to tell your dad.
Yeah, I-I just don't think
I can come out and tell him.
I-I feel like I got to show him.
And-and I've been working
on something, actually,
but it's just gonna take me
a few more weeks, so...
No, no, weeks, weeks, no.
We got to be on that float tomorrow.
Look... I don't know
what to tell you, man.
You just don't... you don't know
what's going on inside of me.
Well, I'm sure there's
five or six superviruses
- eating out your insides.
- No, no.
I mean the struggle to be who I am.
I-I just want to show him,
so that he can understand.
All right, well, explain it to me.
Okay, well, there's...
there's, like, this storm inside of me
and-and it's been raging my whole life.
And-and I'm down on my knees
and-and I'm-I'm looking
for answers and then God comes down
to me... and it's a very hot chick...
- and she pulls me up and we start dancing, okay?
- W-Wait, wait, wait.
You're gay and you're
dancing with a hot chick
- who is God?
- Yes.
- The Catholics really fucked you up.
- Oh, you didn't get it?
- I'm never gonna get it.
- Okay. All right.
- Let me start at the beginning, and I'll...
- No, no. Wait.
Christ, I'm sweating.
My-my head is exploding.
I'm gonna try some of this...
put a little of this.
It'll be good.
Ah! Ah!
Ah, shit!
Ah, that burns.
Oh, Christ, it's swelling.
Frank, I think your nose
- is infected, man.
- No, no, no, no.
I got... I'm using this insulation
to plug up the flow. I just...
Yeah, that seems safe.
Oh, shit! Here he comes.
- I'm freaking out.
- Don't-don't dance around it.
Just tell him. Rip the Band-Aid off.
- He'll be cool. You'll see.
- He'll be cool.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he's cool, he's cool.
Yeah.
- Go for it.
- Yeah.
H-Hey.
Hey, Dad! H-Hey, it's, uh...
it's-it's been a couple years.
- So, how you been?
- Yeah.
My cellmate ratted on me
for having an extra pillow.
I cut out his tongue with
a rusty pair of pliers
and fed it to the maggots.
Cool...
Very cool.
So, um...
there's something that, uh,
I've been meaning to
tell you for a while now.
Uh-huh...
All right, there's, like,
a storm inside of me, all right?
And-and-and... and God
sent me an angel...
- an angel, and this... this angel is a woman.
- No. Don't.
And this woman and I...
we start dancing,
and we get very passionate, and then...
It's all very confusing, but in the end,
something new is born.
Well, wha-what he's trying to say...
Oh, I know exactly
what he's trying to say.
My son... finally knocked someone up.
I'm gonna be a grandfather.
- Uh...
- Finally!
Someone to carry on my name.
Yeah, I mean...
You know, I-I could carry on your name.
Yeah. Son, listen to me.
I never really got you, you know?
But now,
I see that there's hope for you yet.
Well, I-I mean, not with your life,
but with the life of your son.
Well, we don't know
that it's gonna be a boy.
Hey, if it's not a boy,
you flush that shit out and try again!
Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
I'll flush that shit out, and you...
I'm gonna give you a boy, Dad.
I'm gonna be a grandfather.
We will! Dad, you are
gonna be a grandfather. Daddy.
Uh, Dad? Dad?
Hey, Dad? Yeah, Dad.
Oh, no, he had to go.
The guards called him back.
The guards called him back.
Oh, that went well.
Frank? Frank?
- Ah! Ah, this goddamn cut!
- Yeah...
- Oh!
- Trying to plug it up.
- Whoa!
- But I can't stop it.
- Holy shit!
- Oh.
I'm using lemon juice and hot
glue to close up the wound.
- Uh, yeah, okay.
- Huh?
- All right, look, where's Mac, dude?
- Huh?
- Mac. You were supposed to get him. Where is he?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Well, is he... is he here? Come on.
- He's coming.
- All right, well, good.
Well, he's super late, though. Come on.
No big deal if he doesn't do it, right?
I mean, we could find somebody else.
Someone else? Come on, come on.
What are you gonna have you, me,
dancing on top of the gay float?
- No.
- No, no, the press'll murder us!
- We need an authentically gay man.
- Huh.
They'll see right through it, man.
They'll kill us.
I didn't know you guys were
taking this so seriously.
We're taking it very seriously.
You know what?
I got something to show you.
Come look, okay?
That will change everything.
Hey-oh!
Holy shit!
- Yeah, right?
- Right? - Huh? Oh!
- I mean, this thing's amazing, man.
- Aw.
Like, it's got a working bar,
it's got these confetti cannons.
- Huh.
- It's even got, like, a shower
- that's gonna pour water on Mac...
- Ooh.
- ...while he does his, like, sexy gay dance...
- Oh!
...or whatever the hell he's
been working on this whole time.
- Yeah.
- So, the only thing that's missing...
- Yeah?
- ...is Mac!
Yeah. Uh, uh...
Yeah, good, good.
No problem, I got that covered.
- I got it.
- I hope so, dude,
'cause you only had one job to do, man.
I got it, I got it.
Go, go. Don't mess around the bar. Go!
Sure. What? Ugh!
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Oh!
Ah, no!
- Mac!
- What do you want, Frank?
You were banging that broad,
weren't you?
You're-you're trying
to get a girl pregnant
just because that's what
your father wants you to do!
- Ah! Ah! Ah.
- No, no. Frank, that's not what it is, man.
You don't understand.
You're going back in the closet,
aren't you?
I can't stand it.
Nobody can stand it. Ah.
I'm not going back in the closet,
all right?
I-I just need to come out to him my way,
and I'm not ready
to do that yet, all right?
Ah! Ah! I don't care!
You're coming with me,
you're going on that float.
No! Frank, I'm not ready.
I don't want to do it,
and you can't make me.
Fine! Fine. Okay.
Stay here and bang your broads
and feel sorry for yourself.
You know, I don't care.
I don't need you. I'll get another gay.
Somebody way hotter than you.
Hey-oh!
Allow me to introduce Paddy's top gay,
a man everybody
in the neighborhood knows,
everybody loves.
The gay that will rope in all the gays.
- Cricket!
- What?
- Hey! Huh?
- Oh! Ah, ha, ha, ha.
Oh! Yeah.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
What the hell, Frank? Where's Mac?
- Mac's out.
- Why?!
- Well, I think he's going back in the closet.
- Goddamn it.
You had one job: get the gay man
to dance on the gay float.
- I know. No, he's, he...
- It's not that hard.
We got a problem. We got a problem.
Dennis doesn't want to drive.
Now he's saying he's
claustrophobic under there.
What is Cricket doing here?
- Because Frank blew it!
- Aw, come on, man.
- You had one job to do.
- That's what I said.
Cricket's gonna do the dance.
Dance, Cricket. Go. Dance.
No. No, no, no. He look... Oh, God.
No! Come on, man.
- No.
- He looks like a monster, and you look like a monster.
We're not trying to invite
a bar full of monster men.
We're-we're looking for
high-spending gay men.
Yeah, but get Dennis to dance.
You can't get the straight man to dance.
The press would murder us.
The press doesn't give
two shits about us.
Frank, it's 2018,
and you're the only person
who doesn't seem
to understand gay culture.
That's true. That's true.
My head is swelling with blood.
Goddamn it, Charlie.
We got to be there in 20 minutes.
All right. You know what?
Um, Cricket, fine.
You can dance. Let's go.
- Yo.
- Frank, can you at least
- drive the thing? Let's go.
- Yeah. All right.
- Yes.
- You're driving. You'll squeeze in there.
- You drive.
- Come on, man. - Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Lady, I'm not going anywhere
until I see an Abraham Lincoln.
- Here you go.
- What is this? What is this?
- Like, 73 cents.
- No. I-I said Abraham Lincoln.
- There's a bunch of Lincolns in there.
- Oh, those are pennies!
- Okay. You want to give it back to me?
- Well, no. Hold on.
- Okay, you're gonna do it?
- Yeah, I'll do it.
- Yes, of course I'll do it.
- Then go do it. Go!
All right, now wait a second.
How do you turn it on? First the lights.
What is that?
Oh, that must be...
Okay, let's see what we got here.
Okay, uh, "Start north on Second Street.
Turn right on... Dickens Avenue."
Straight to... What the...?
Oh. Oh, shit. I...
Oh, God. Oh, this is ridiculous.
Oh, shit, I can't do this.
You know what? Screw this.
No good.
Mac?
Mac?
Mac, come here. Let me in. Let me in.
I'm gonna break the door down!
One. Two. Three.
Whoa. Ah, sh...
Ah, shit!
Jesus, Frank, that's a lot of blood.
Is that from just now?
Oh, no. No, that's from earlier.
You-you see, Mac,
I've been in agony the whole day,
but I came to this realization
that sometimes you got to let
the blood flow
in order to start the healing.
Some cuts you just can't plug up.
That's the same for you.
You got this thing inside you,
and you're trying to plug it up.
But you got to let that shit out.
You got to let it flow.
Otherwise, you're gonna be in
agony for the rest of your life.
So you're saying that
if I dance on the float,
that maybe I'll find my pride?
No. No, forget the float.
That's just doing it
for the wrong reasons.
You got to do something else.
I got you a couple things from the float
that you can use. I paid off the warden.
They think they're seeing
a Blake Shelton concert,
and I put your dad in the front row.
All right, I just...
I just don't know
if I can do this, Frank.
Mac, I don't get it,
and I may never get it,
but I do know you got to do this.
You said you want
to tell your dad your way.
So now do it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hello, gentlemen.
Dudes.
Unfortunately...
Blake Shelton
will not be making it today.
But, uh, he did send me in his stead,
and I've got something special
to show you.
Uh, my name is Ronald McDonald, and...
I named him that.
I got something
that I got to tell you, Dad,
and I've been trying to find
the best way to do it, and...
I just thought instead of saying it,
maybe I could just show
you how I feel inside.
Dad...
I'm gay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Oh, my God.
I get it.
I get it.