It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 2 - Thunder Gun 4: Maximum Cool - full transcript

FXX presents...

It's Always Sunny
in Philadelphia.

I hope they don't show us

some boring art house movie.

Well, the title
of the move is terrible.

I mean, Focus Group?
What is that?

Focus Group isn't the title
of the movie.

- We're in a focus group.
- Huh?

Charlie, we're here to watch,
analyze, critique,

and then,
most importantly, judge

whatever film
we're gonna be shown.

Uh, these filmmakers...
They need valuable input,

and we have been carefully
selected to provide it.

We were walking out of the mall,

and they offered us
Red Lobster gift cards.

Nevertheless, you know,
they've chosen wisely.

Uh, good afternoon, everyone.

I-I want to thank you
for joining us today.

Now, your feedback
is very important to us.

- Sweet.
- I'm sorry.

I'm just a little confused here,

'cause I can't
follow this movie.

The movie hasn't started yet.

Yeah, uh, Moderator,
not to worry.

I-I just want to assure you that
your movie is in good hands.

Y-You've chosen wisely.

See, I, myself,
am a prolific filmmaker.

In fact,
while you don't thrill me,

I might even consider you
for one of my roles.

Well, thank you, um,
but I'm not really a performer.

I'll get a performance
out of you.

- Uh, where will we appear in the credits?
- In the credits?

- Are we gonna be at the front?
- Yeah, for our contribution.

- Sort of the beginning of the film, or...?
- Yeah.

Well, you-you will not be.

But your opinions
are valuable to us.

- And you're gonna get a lot of them.
- Oh, yeah.

I'm already tearing
this entire experience apart.

- As am I.
- Me, too.

- Why don't we just start?
- I'll tell you what. Why don't you

- just go ahead and show us.
- Let's just, let's see.

Whatever piece of shit
you're gonna show us, you know,

- Yeah.
- So we can tear it apart and get out to Red Lobster?

- Yeah, I'm hungry.
- Okay.

So the title of the film is...

Thunder Gun 4: Maximum Cool.

- Oh!
- What?! -Oh!

- Really?!
- Holy...

Uh... uh... What was that?

I, uh... I'm not sure.

- Uh...
- I-I was totally lost.

Did they make Thunder Gun bad?

- Yeah.
- Okay. So, that was our movie.

Now, clearly,
the film is not done,

but still a work in progress.

- Oh.
- Oh. -Oh, thank God!

- Oh.
- Okay, great. -Oh, Jesus.

Okay, so let's adjourn
to the conference room

to begin our session.

- Let's get into it. Yeah.
- Yeah. Let's-let's fix it.

- We can, uh, we can fix it.
- Oh, yeah.

Okay, why don't we just

break it down, act by act?

I'll play back a scene
from the first act,

and then we can discuss.

- Yeah, okay. All right.
- Okay.

♪ Train roll on... ♪

- Excuse me.
- ♪ On down the line... ♪

Is your name John?
John ThunderGun?

Mm. Maybe once.

Not anymore.

I'm Dr. Ling.

This is my assistant Max.

I'm head of research
and development for Com-Tec.

We need your help.

Why?

You got a bottle of whiskey
that needs draining?

A man named Colonel Washington
has stolen a formula

from our lab.

In the wrong hands,
this formula could be used

as a powerful weapon.

A weapon that could destroy
millions of lives.

We need it back,
but he wants something from us.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Not what, but who.

I am Colonel Washington.

You know my reputation,
so you'll give me what I seek.

Where is ThunderGun?

Right here.

Me.

I am ThunderGun.

I am ThunderGun.

I am ThunderGun.

I am ThunderGun!

I am ThunderGun!

I am ThunderGun!
I am ThunderGun!

I am...

Okay, who has questions
about the setup?

- Mm.
- Oh. -Oh!

- Me, me, me, me!
- Yeah.

- Um, let's start with you.
- What's being set up?

Um... the entire movie.

The, uh...

So, the main characters,
the story, the villain.

That's where you lost me.
Who's the bad guy?

Well, Colonel Washington,
obviously.

That's not clear.

In the old movies,
the good guy wore white,

the bad guy wore black,
or was black.

Well, depending on the hero.

Right?
It's-it's not a racial thing.

- Mm.
- It's about opposites.

See, I want the bad guy
to be different than me

- so I know why I hate him.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm. I hate people who
are different than me.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like Rocky one.

Bad guy was black.

Rocky II... another black guy.

Rocky III... different black guy
with a mohawk.

- Right.
- Yeah, but in Die Hard,

- the bad guy was foreign, right?
- Hmm.

- Yeah.
- So I know why I hate him.

- There we go.
- Yeah.

People hate foreigners.

- Right.
- Yeah, we hate them. -Right? So in Thunder Gun,

you don't have
to do any reshoots, right?

- Yeah.
- Don't-don't make him black.

- Just give him an accent.
- What kind of accent?

What about Australian?
That's pretty foreign.

No, that's not gonna work.

'Cause they're white.

No, because they're fun.

They're a very fun group
of people, right? I mean...

- Yeah.
- Try to hate an Australian.

- It's impossible.
- A bunch of rapscallions.

- Little rascals.
- Ooh, but French, though.

- French.
- Ugh.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Snobby. Snobby, yes.

Yes, yes.
You will definitely dislike him,

but you won't fear him because
he's most likely a pussy.

- Oh.
- Right. -That's right.

- Not scary. Not scary.
- Right, right.

When in doubt,

- go Eastern European, right?
- Right.

- That's a classically evil part of the world.
- Uh-huh.

- There you go.
- That'd work.

You know, let's talk a bit
about the female character.

- Nah.
- Do we have to?

- I would love to.
- The studio needs

a female perspective.

What did you think of Dr. Ling?

Oh, I think she sucks.
First of all, she comes in

with a whole plan,
like she's starting the movie.

So, you... you want the female
characters to have less agency?

Yeah. Look, I feel bad enough
about myself as is.

I don't need some super hot,
funny, smart chick doing, like,

roundhouse kicks
and cracking computer codes

- to make me feel worse.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.

No. No. I-I like the women of
the old Thunder Gun days, right?

Bed 'em and dead 'em.

Look, first act,
he meets a lady.

She's super hot,
but I'm smarter, right?

And then he bangs her,
and she gets dead.

And-and later on,
he meets someone.

All right, this one's smart,
I'll give her that,

but I'm funnier.

You know what I mean?

He bangs her, she gets dead,
and then,

and in the end, he falls in love
with an ugly one,

and who cares about that?
I don't care about that.

And then she gets dead,
and that sets up

for the next movie,
and I'm all in.

Because all
of the women are dead.

You know? No competition.

- Oh, that's a good point. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Right?
- Okay, yeah. Write that down.

- Women hate women.
- I...

I think the studio was trying
to get away

from the female character
just acting

as a plot device
or a sex trophy.

- Ah, but, yeah, why?
- Why?

- But that works.
- Okay, let's move past this.

Let's take it into the
second act with this next clip.

I'm sorry I dragged you
into this, ThunderGun.

Don't lose hope.

We may get out of this yet.

But if we don't,

I think there's something
I should tell you.

We've met before.

Detroit.

Winter.

At a bar.

I went home with you.

The next morning, you were gone,

and I never heard
from you again.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

I never was good
at being tied down.

No, it's not that. It's just...

My assistant.

You know Max.

Well, he's not just
my assistant.

He's my son.

- Are you trying to tell me...
- Yes, John.

He's your son, too.

Max is your son.

Okay.

So, this is the midpoint twist.

What is?

Um, ThunderGun finding out
he has a son.

- Mm-hmm.
- He has a son?

Yes.

But how is this the twist?

I mean, because he's got a kid?

I mean, he's probably got
a thousand kids,

all the raw-dog loads he drops.

I don't know
what "raw-dog loads" are.

Sorry for him.
But my disgusting friend

does bring up a good point.

I mean, every Thunder Gun movie

has at least one very tasteful
yet very erotic sex scene in it,

- and this had none.
- Mm.

Yeah. I've-I've been waiting
for the right time

to bring this up, but I feel
like we need to address

the elephant in the room, no?

- Yeah, this is a big one for us.
- Might as well.

- I've been thinking about it.
- Might as well. -Yeah.

Okay, so... where's the dong?

The-the dong?

- The dong.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the dong. The dong.

John ThunderGun has hung dong

in every chapter of this saga.

And, well, I just watched
90 minutes of one,

and yet not one hang.

Well, I think
that the studio was thinking

the gratuitous nudity
was maybe a bit much.

- Fuck you.
- Bullshit!

- Bullshit!
- This is exactly the type of Hollywood bullshit

that America is sick of.
What are you talking about?

Hollywood's
completely out of touch.

- So out of touch with what people want!
- Don't you want to give people

- what people actually want?
- There's a bigger issue here.

Movies are different now.

You lost a sense of community.

Interesting. Go on.

Look, years ago,
before the Internet,

we would all go out
to the movies together.

Yes.
This is exactly what studios

are trying to bring back.
A-An event.

A place we can all go to
enjoy as a community. Yeah.

I mean, it used to be

you give the creep-show
at the window a couple of bucks,

you could spend all day in there
popping off.

And the joy of it was that
there were people popping off

at the same time.

I mean, n-not that you looked

at each other. It was dark.

You weren't looking
for the gay thing.

But it gave you a sense of
something bigger than yourself.

Now, they... you know,

got rid
of all these movie theaters.

They're taking all the sex out
of the movies.

And what am I supposed to do?

Go home, turn the lights off
and pop off in front of Charlie?

No, thanks.

I'm sorry.

Are you talking
about pornography theaters?

I'm talking
about community, honey.

Right. E... Uh, yeah,
even if the studios

wanted to put back in
the nudity,

they couldn't
because of the new rating.

Wh-What do you mean,
the new rating?

Thunder Gun: Maximum Cool
will be rated PG-13.

What?

Now, that's
quite a midpoint twist.

They did it! They did.

They ruined everything
with this PC bullshit.

Straight white men
can't have anything anymore.

Men? Look,
don't forget white women.

We got completely passed over.

Yeah, and I can't follow
any of this.

We're feeling a lot of outrage
right now, you know,

because we want something,
and we know we deserve it,

- but we're not getting it.
- Mm.

I'm mad, but I don't know
at what anymore.

That's what it is!

- That's what it is!
- I'm pissed!

- Aah! I'm mad.
- Listen, listen.

Our way of life is changing,

- and that's scary.
- Right.

- We don't want to change.
- Oh, that makes me so angry.

- Makes me mad.
- I want to cling

to the way things were,
but they're done.

- Let's get out of here.
- Let's run from this.

- We'll run from it.
- Wait, wait, wait,

- wait, wait.
- Do we have to, legally?

Guys, we can't run. Come on.

What's ThunderGun's slogan?

"No hesitation, no surrender,
no man left behind."

Did we leave a guy
in there, though?

Goddamn right we did, Charlie,

and his name is John ThunderGun.

Like it or not,

we have a civic duty to uphold.

We owe it to ourselves,
to ThunderGun,

and to movie audiences
all over the world

to put a stop to this
liberal, PC bullshit.

Mm-hmm.
But I think we have been selected

for a cosmic reason here;
To put an end to this.

To not pull our punches.

To save the dong.

Save the dong.

- Save the dong.
- Save the dong.

- I agree.
- Oh, for God's sakes.

This is why you don't include women.
Are you kidding me?!

What?!

Don't you see that
there was a rhythm?

- Like a cinematic rhythm.
- Oh, let's do it again.

- Let's do it again.
- No way. No way!

- I get it now.
- You-you can't...

You can't give women
the zingers.

Now, you listen here,
you goddamn Hollywood communist.

I live in Roxborough.

Again, I didn't make this movie.

Listen to me, listen to me.
If you start to strip sex

out of our communities,
out of our culture

and-and even our art,

not only do you isolate people,
but you create an oppression

disguised as morality.

I mean, the...
The Thunder Gun series

has always been groundbreaking
in so many ways,

notwithstanding the recognition
of an inequality

that was present in cinema
since its beginning days.

The objectifying
of the female form. I mean,

with Thunder Gun, a great
injustice was rectified. Okay?

Fairness of the sexes.

A unification
of the human condition.

I'm sorry, is this still about
the flaccid penis

you'd like to see?

You're goddamn right!

- Yeah.
- We want to see it.

Yes, we want to see
the man's dick, but...

I guess what I'm saying is that
it's no longer

just about gratuitous boobs,

it's also about
gratuitous penis.

I mean, ThunderGun
was about progress.

Right. Uh, I think
we all can agree

that public opinion has sort of
turned against the idea

of someone exposing themselves.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

- This is a different thing.
- You're not understanding it.

See, ThunderGun didn't take his
dick out to intimidate people.

He did it because he had
accomplished his mission.

He wanted to kick back
and call it a day.

He did do it once
to intimidate someone,

- but that was the bad guy.
- It was the bad guy.

And it just so happened
the bad guy was a female.

That was the best one.
That was the best one!

- That was funny.
- It made me wish I had a dong

that I could pull out
to celebrate my accomplishments.

You know? Or maybe just
feel the cool breeze

gently tickle the shaft on a,
on a crisp autumn morn.

- I don't know, whatever men do to-to feel powerful.
- That's what it is.

It really is. It really is.

Listen, Moderator,
the point is this.

I mean,
it used to be only, like,

the hard-line conservatives,
like the pearl-clutching types,

were the only ones
that were overly vocal

and extreme in their
policing of sexuality.

But now you got this, like,
liberal wave

of moral authority
sweeping the nation.

You know, it's nuts.
I mean, think about it.

If the conservatives had
always run Hollywood,

movies would have sucked.

You know what I mean?
The art would have suffered.

So I guess the question
we're asking is

how will art fare
under the oppressive thumb

of this new liberal
Hollywood moral PC elite?

Well, I don't know.
It's tough to say.

But is that a world
that we want to live in?

I say no.

I say give me dong
or give me death.

Yeah!

Yeah, man, don't tell me

what I can see
and what I can't see.

So, uh, just to be clear here,
they didn't make it PG-13

because of political
correctness.

- Oh, did they not?
- No. No-no. They-they made it PG-13

because rated-R movies

aren't making
as much money anymore.

Because of streaming,
and most importantly,

- piracy.
- Piracy, huh?

Yeah, and how have you all
been viewing the franchise?

- Oh, no-no, not through piracy.
- No.

In f... In fact, we,
we-we saw the last installment

of-of the franchise
out in the theater.

- We barely made it.
- We barely made it.

Oh, wait, no-no, hold on,

but Frank called in
that bomb threat.

Oh, but-but that was okay,
because remember,

then we went home, and we,
we saw it on the Internet.

- Caught it online.
- We caught it online.

Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah. On that
website that has all the movies.

So, that's... that is pirating.

No, no, no,
pirating is stealing.

We didn't steal it, okay?
We just downloaded it.

And the other one is called,

uh, "FreeMovies/Arrrgh."

Ah, I'm starting to see
a little bit of a pattern here,

So... you're part
of the problem.

Because of people like you,
the studios felt like

this was their only recourse.

PG-13 opens up
a whole new market.

You're saying it's our fault

that we don't get
to see the dong?

You're coming in there changing
everything, you know,

getting rid of the dong, I mean,

how is that
even Thunder Gun anymore?

Well, yeah,
th-they're changing it.

They're rebooting
the entire franchise.

- What?
- What d... What?

You guys didn't get that
from the final scene?

Uh, no, what...?

Okay. Let's review.

I'm not gonna make it
through this one.

We can both go detonate
the hydro-fusion bomb.

No hesitation. No surrender.
No man left behind!

Not this time.

No, Dad.

Please.

Sometimes in order
to save something...

you have to destroy something.

You'll need this
to get out of here, son.

To continue our story.

So, you see,
they're rebooting the franchise

for a younger audience.

The only people who are actually

still going to see movies.

I did not get that.

Well, you haven't gotten
anything the entire day.

Got to side with Charlie
on this one.

I didn't get it. Now, wh-what
was with the fire stick?

You mean the torch?

The one he passed
to his son Max...

As in Maximum Cool... and said,

"You need to continue
our story"?

It's the camera guy
who screwed up.

'Cause ThunderGun, he fell
into that fiery abyss,

- and for some reason, we're watching the kid...
- Yeah,

we wanted to go down
into the volcano with John...

No-no, you guys don't get it.
It's a cliffhanger. Yeah?

It's a cliffhanger. We're gonna
find out what happened to John

in the next movie,
Thunder Gun 5...

- Ooh...
- Or, or there's a post-credit scene

- that we didn't get to see, yes?
- No. No. There's none of that.

This isn't a cliffhanger.
He's dead.

John is dead.
Now we follow the son's story.

- No!
- I don't, I don't want to.

- I don't think so.
- No.

You don't have to think.

I'm telling you,
that's what it is.

ThunderGun fell into a volcano.

He died. And now his son Max
becomes Thunder Son,

the face of the franchise
moving forward.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait...

He has a son?

Fuck, man! What?

- How do you not get that?
- It wasn't clear.

Reshoots. Reshoots.
You got to reshoot.

- Yeah, reshoots.
- Reshoots to make the movie more clear...

No! That's not what
we're gonna do.

We're out of time.
That's it. That's... We're done.

But you're ruining our
favorite movie! Uh...

- How can we save the movies that we love?
- Yeah.

Maybe if you actually
go out to the theaters

and pay to see them, then they
will continue to make them.

Whoa! Oh, that's easy
for you to say!

With your Hollywood liberal
bank account!

Jesus! Who a you people?!

I... am ThunderGun.

I... am ThunderGun.

I... am ThunderGun.

DENNIS and DEE:
I am... Thundergun.

Goddammit, Dee!

- Dee...
- How did you not feel

- that I was next and then you?
- I don't know.

There was a build to it,

- and then...
- It's like, we're trying

to give the woman the final
thing, and she can't do it.

- Okay, start it over.
- You can't go back.

- Start it over?
- You see the problem with women.

Well, RIP ThunderGun, I guess.

Yeah. What a waste.

I recorded
that whole thing for nothing.

Dong-less!

Wait a second.
You recorded the whole thing?

- Yeah.
- Guys... hang on a second.

Do you remember
what ThunderGun said?

Sometimes, in order
to sav something,

you have to destroy something.

And I think I know what we have
to do to save Thunder Gun.

Destroy it?

Well, how are we gonna do that?

With a little help.
From some pirates.

No hesitation.

No surrender.

No man left behind!

Mmm.

I'm bored.

Well, it looks like
this new Thunder Gun movie's

pretty good.

Well, you guys want to see it?

We're gonna have to do
a mad dash across town, though.

It starts in 30 minutes.

- To the sewers!
- To the sewers!

- Let's go!
- Let's go!

No, no, I meant like, let's
see it on that pirate website.

- You think it's up already?
- Here, let me check.

Yeah. We don't have
to go across town.

- It's probably on the, uh...
- Yeah, it's free.

We can stay here and watch it.

- That way it's free.
- Yep. It-it's on there.

- Oh!
- Put it... Yeah.

You want to watch it
on the phone?

- Oh, good.
- All right.

Five tickets
for the price of zero.

Put on the Auto Motion Plus.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH.

- Three!
- I sharpen my teeth.

- Two!
- Too hard, too fast.

- One!
- Look what I just found.

"Week long rental.
Bed to be shared with owners."

What kind of people do you think
you're gonna attract?

Bohemians
with no sexual boundaries.

- You guys know what this means, right?
- No.

Sunny is back.

All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

- Oh, my God!
- Ooh.

Look at these hardwood floors!

You can't make people like you,

but if people don't respect you,

you can make 'em fear you.

Mayans.

All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

Hey! Slow down!

AHS 1984.

All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.