It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - Episode #13.1 - full transcript
What an awesome night it's been, huh?
- Yeah.
- Good night, what a night.
You know, you know,
when I first started working at Paddy's,
this place was way more
likely to host a dog fight
than an event like tonight.
In fact, when I first walked in,
there were two dogs fighting.
- Sure.
- They were, like, strays or something
that had wandered in? No one noticed.
- I don't know.
- Anyway, the point is,
that this place has changed.
You know? It's really evolved.
And it's been so welcoming
of this brown-skinned girl
and her liberal ideals.
They're like family now.
Which is saying a lot,
since the first time I met Frank,
he pulled a gun on me.
Misunderstanding. Not racial.
Thanks, Frank. Anyway, the point is,
Paddy's is now a place
where progressive-minded people
like us can feel at home.
And I think that is worth
a round of applause.
Yeah.
Oh.
You think those liberal
morons bought it?
- Oh, yeah!
- They bought every word you said.
Oh, we've never been this successful.
This wine is selling like crazy.
And look,
it's called "Conservative Whine,"
but it's spelled with an "H,"
'cause it's like "We're whining."
It's a pun.
It's a play on the word "wine."
Yeah. Yeah, Mac, I get it.
I came up with it.
- Yeah. yeah.
- Yeah, so smart. Shut up, Mac.
- So smart.
- I get it, I get it.
We're squeezing those liberal
boners for all they got,
and we're just gonna
keep on squeezing them.
- Yeah.
- Uh, no, we're not.
- No, we're not.
- Dee, try to keep up, man.
- Okay?
- I'm sorry.
- Got to keep up.
- Look.
These liberals are easy.
It's the conservative
crowd we're going after.
- How?
- Nice. How? Whatcha thinking?
Oh, uh, a little thing like...
we're gonna make Paddy's great again.
_
All right.
- Hello, guys! Welcome!
- Hello.
Thank you for letting me host
- the planning evening.
- Uh-huh. What'd you make?
Yes, I made Mac's Famous Mac and Cheese
and some energy drinks for everybody.
It's all he ever makes
and it's un-edible.
Okay, whatever.
Let's get to the plan.
Uh, ooh, ooh.
Sorry, um, for interrupting.
I just wanted to do the unveiling first,
if that's cool.
- The unveiling of what?
- Okay, everybody,
are you ready?
Bam.
- All right, what's up?
- What's going on?
Oh, well,
I-I got into really good shape.
Am I hitting the light right?
Wh-What... what's happening?
- Why?
- Why?
I don't know,
I thought maybe we could use it.
Use it for what?
For the bar.
- How?
- How?
Well, Cindy, do you think maybe
we could fit this into the plan?
I don't think so.
I don't really know
what's going on here, though.
- Me, neither.
- Yeah, no one ever really knows what's going on with Mac.
- He's fat, he's skinny, he's muscular, it's...
- It's best to ignore it.
It's really a cry for
help and attention,
- I think, so...
- Yeah.
...what you do in that
situation is you ignore those.
Yeah, treat it like a baby.
Treat it like a toddler.
- We're not gonna... put it into the plan?
- That make sense?
- Yeah. Okay.
- Why did I... why did I do it?
- Nobody knows.
- We don't know.
- So, I have a great plan.
- Should I put my shirt on?
- But...
- I think that's best.
Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, congrats,
Mac, it looks really good.
- Good job.
- Can we figure out a way
- to incorporate later?
- Let's just move past it now,
- 'cause it's dinnertime.
- Yeah?
You guys like me, right?
- So...
- Okay,
I have a plan how we are
gonna shut down Murphy's Pub.
What's that?
- What's Murphy's Pub? What is that?
- Wait, what is that?
Murphy's Pub?
It's around the corner from you guys.
- Oh, the bar, the bar.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
The super successful
bar around the corner.
- They do well.
- Why would we shut that down?
Because they do, like, five times
- the business that we do.
- They do?
Yeah, so we're gonna poach
their customers, shut them down,
thereby making Paddy's great again.
- Whoa! That is so smart.
- That is smart.
Why have we never
thought about doing that?
I don't know,
we're gonna steal their customers.
Ah, this is the waitress.
Do you guys mind if I get this?
Yeah, we're right in the middle...
Hey, honey.
Sorry, I'm in a meeting.
Are you just...
You're just checking in?
I don't know.
Is the TV just not working?
All right.
Can I call you later or something,
'cause I'm just...
We're super bu... we're in the thing.
Yeah, I'll check in later.
- Sorry, she was just checking in.
- Oh, cool.
Yeah. All right, so what's up?
- So, how are we gonna do this?
- I'm gonna take you through the plan.
There's a lot of moving pieces,
and you each play
- a crucial part.
- It's here! It's here!
Cindy, I am so sorry for interrupting,
but it has finally arrived,
and I think you are going
to be very impressed
with what is inside this crate.
- Another rocket launcher.
- No, Frank.
Much cooler than that.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
What am I looking at here, Mac?
- What? What do you mean?
- Oh...
- Is that a sex doll?
- Yeah.
- Is that Dennis?
- Well, yeah, of course.
- Is that part of the plan?
- No!
Why did you get a sex doll
of your old roommate?
Because you told me to get one.
- I definitely did not.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was, I was super sad about
my old roommate leaving,
and you said I needed something
Dennis-shaped to fill my hole.
No, Mac, I said that you obviously had
a Dennis-shaped hole in your
life that you needed to fill.
How is that not the same thing?
Okay, I obviously wanted you to,
I don't know, maybe start dating
or do something,
not get a sex doll of your best friend.
- No, not best friend.
- Oh, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah, sorry, not best friend.
- He didn't like him much.
He left him a contact number
for where he was gonna be
in North Dakota, but it ended
up being a mental health line.
- Yeah.
- He miswrote
- one of the digits, and that...
- Nah, he knew what he was doing.
- He was avoiding him.
- No, it was not a mistake.
All right, well, look, guys,
either way, it's not weird.
It's not like I'm
gonna have sex with it.
He's gonna have sex with that
the second we walk out of this door.
No. It might just be cool to have around
for, like, companionship, you know?
- Nah, he wants to bang it.
- I'm not gonna bang it.
- This is the waitress again. Should I get it?
- Oh, my God, come on.
Okay, you know what,
you know what, this is just...
this is not gonna work here, all right?
Let's just go.
Please get rid of the doll.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll get rid of the doll.
It was a misunderstanding, you know?
Like, I'm not gonna have sex with it.
He is. The second we leave,
he's gonna bang it.
Okay, guys, I am going to use
social media to spread fake news
that Murphy's hired an
alt-right figurehead
to speak at their pub.
The liberals are gonna protest,
while the conservatives are
gonna march for the speaker's
First Amendment rights,
and that is where Frank comes in.
A tuba? What am I gonna do with a tuba?
You're gonna play it
to enflame the crowd.
Dee, we're gonna need to
distract Murphy's security guard
- with a pretty blonde.
- Okay.
You want me to go find one?
No. I'm talking about you.
Oh, you want me to flirt? Oh, wow.
Normally I'm on lookout
while Dennis flirts.
But okay, I'm in.
- Great. Next part of the plan. Now, listen up...
- Oh, hey, guys.
So, so sorry.
Cindy, I'm so sorry I'm late.
- Got held up, but I am ready.
- What is this?
Why did you bring that thing?
I told you to get rid of it!
Oh, I tried, but apparently,
I cannot return the doll
due to the custom nature
of the usage of the doll.
- Banging its mouth.
- Right.
I guess some people do.
I don't know, but I don't know.
Either way, what do you guys think?
- About what?
- I'm shirtless in the duster.
Oh, yeah. Why?
- Well, I thought that could work.
- Toward what?
I don't know.
This is Cindy's plan.
Cindy, how does this work?
It doesn't. Stop trying to
shoehorn your shirtless-ness
into plans that have no need for it.
Well, I feel like this is
what Dennis would've done.
Yeah, but Dennis
had a reason for it, man!
And you're not Dennis!
You're never gonna be, all right?
- So just drop it.
- This, by the way,
- is desperate and sad.
- It's just sad, dude.
It was his idea anyway, so...
I'm sorry,
the sex doll gave you an idea?
Well, not exactly,
but you know, it was, like,
when I was sitting there with him,
I was sort of picturing
what Dennis would say.
- Oh.
- And that's...
- Nice one, man.
- What?
Oh, something the doll just said.
The doll talks to you now?
No, the doll's not talking to me,
but like he said,
I was picturing what Dennis
might've said in the situation
and Dennis just said
something really funny.
- What was it?
- Well, it was about you, Dee.
- I just heard it.
- Do you picture it?
I heard it. Oh, yeah.
- I heard it.
- It's...
What the hell are you
guys talking about?
- It called me a bird.
- Yes! It did.
- Exactly.
- So you did hear it.
- We all heard it.
- Bird.
How is that funny?
It's-it's really not.
It's just the way Dennis
would have said it.
You can just sort of picture
it coming out of his mouth.
Okay, okay, cool, but, guys,
can we just get back to the plan?
- Yes.
- Mac's shirtless plan, or...?
Mac's shirtless plan.
No, he did not have a plan.
Our plan. My plan.
To shut down Murphy's.
Dee, you're gonna flirt
with the security guard.
Frank, tuba. Mac, Charlie,
I need you to change
labels on wine bottles.
Okay? Any questions?
Yes?
The blowjob mouth,
did it come standard on the doll
or did you customize that?
It's not a blowjob mouth, Dee.
Don't be crass.
I requested that the doll feel as though
- it's in mid-conversation.
- Oh.
- Okay. Any other questions?
- Yup.
Not about the sex doll.
"Liberal Tears." It's so funny because
the liberals are always
whining about stuff
and the conservatives drink it up.
- They're drinking their tears.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
No, Cindy's brilliant, man.
And using all the glitter and
stuff was a great idea, too,
- you know what I mean?
- Yeah, I had a good idea about the glitter.
I was thinking maybe
you would slather it
all over my naked torso
and we would use that.
Why?
Oh, well, that can just be a
part of the plan, you know?
It doesn't have anything to
do with anything, though.
Well, then why did I do all
this working out, Charlie?
Nobody knows, man.
- All right, guys. What do you think?
- Whoa!
- Wow, Dee, you look great!
- Really?
Yeah, I hate to admit it,
but this look's kind of working for you.
Yeah, you might actually be able
to distract that security guard.
Nice.
Whoa!
- Frank, you got it, man!
- Holy shit! Uh, look.
Dee looks good,
Frank's killing it on the tuba,
we might actually be able
to pull this thing off.
I think we're gonna do it. I think...
What happened?
I can't do it.
- Wh-Why?
- What went wrong?
He's staring right at me.
So what?
Look, I know it's just a lifeless thing
that Mac pumps his loads into,
but it's in my head.
Again, guys,
I am not having sex with the doll.
- You unload in that doll.
- You're having sex with the doll.
- You unload into that doll.
- I can smell it. Yeah.
No, th-that's bleach. I cleaned him.
- Well, then why did you clean it?
- Why did you clean it?
It doesn't matter why I cleaned it.
I-I'm a sanitary person.
Look, I got to be honest.
It's in my head, too.
- How?
- It doesn't like what I'm wearing
and it thinks I need more makeup.
- Oh...
- Oh, my God.
I can totally see that.
Yeah, I can picture Dennis
saying that to you right now.
Yeah, it also thinks Mac looks fat.
- That's... that's a lie!
- I know, I know, but it...
- that's just what he thinks.
- Let me ask it. Dennis, does Mac look fat?
- What... No!
- Oh, yeah.
Dennis, Dennis, I am not fat.
Look, I'm ripped.
I don't know why he did it either, man.
He just did it.
Well, there... it's a long story.
He's not impressed.
What, you don't like the labels?
It doesn't like the labels on the...
these are dumb
"Liberal Tears," right.
Does it say "tear"
or does it say "tear"? It's confusing.
Maybe I'll do a couple
of crunches, though.
I'm gonna go put some more lipstick on.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna practice.
Yeah... oh. Yeah. Oh.
Now I'm getting a call again.
It's her again.
Hey, honey.
Yeah, I'm just, I'm working...
still working with the ga...
Yeah. Uh, they're all...
You want to say hi or something?
Tell her not to worry
'cause I'm doing crunches.
Oh, yeah, no,
he's doing crunches for Dennis.
No, he's not back.
It's... what do you care
if Dennis is back?
Look... Can I...
Can we just catch up later
when I get home from...
Hang on. I just got an idea.
So it's called "Liberal Tears."
I don't know if it's confusing,
that's not really the point.
What I want to know is
what do you think of this?
I think it's super weird.
Like in a good way or like...?
Like in the creepiest
possible way, Charlie.
I mean, it's like Dennis
is sitting in our apartment
just staring at us.
I know, but, like, look,
you need someone to talk to, right?
And I-I just,
I can't be that guy right now.
I'm so busy being a success and stuff.
It's just, like, so much work.
I'm sorry.
You want me to talk to the doll?
Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
And-and it's weird,
'cause it's-it's kind of
like he talks back to you.
It's crazy. He's already shamed Mac,
which was pretty funny.
All right, I got to run.
W-W-Wait. You're leaving? Can I come?
Well, no, sweetie.
It's... I-I got to go work at the bar.
A-And that's gonna be a trigger
for you with all the drinking...
- I feel like like you're always going to the bar...
- Sweetie.
- ...and always running out.
- Oh, sweetie, the feelings.
N-N-No. The doll.
That's what the doll is for.
You talk to the doll,
- and-and not me so much.
- Charlie.
Mm, sorry. I feel foolish.
You had this, Frank;
I heard you earlier.
I know, but I'm all in my head about it.
Okay, now that makes one, two, three.
- Three bottles of wine.
- Three?
You guys have only done three bottles?
Yeah. I'm sorry, Cindy.
We just got a little distracted.
- Yeah.
- Wait. And what happened
to the labels; those just say "wine."
We thought "Liberal Tears"
was maybe gonna be confusing,
- you know?
- Yeah, like, what if people read it like "tears"?
You know, like,
what are these liberals tearing?
- And why are they tearing it?
- Yeah.
And, Dee, what is this?
Oh, it's just a-a new lighting setup.
It-it washes me out.
It's-it's a better look.
Guys, what is happening here?
Everything was going so smoothly.
Yeah, it's nothing. It's fine.
No, it's nothing.
W-We're doing good still, we're good.
- Whatever. We got this.
- Don't worry about us. - Don't know.
Wait a second.
This doesn't have anything
to do with the doll, does it?
- Come on. Why would the doll...?
- No.
- The doll? What do we care about the doll?
- The doll...
No?
- Okay, well, where is the doll?
- It's at my apartment.
Why isn't it in the trash?
It's-it's just doing me a quick favor.
- Get rid of it.
- Yeah.
I don't care. Trash. Burn.
River. Just get rid of it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
It was a bad... bad idea.
- Yeah, get rid of it, dude.
- It's going in the trash.
- Yeah, get rid of it, man.
- Yeah. Got to go. Got to go.
See, I told him. I told him.
It's just a doll, you know?
It's-it's fun to have around.
It's kind of cool.
Hey, it's me.
It looks like Cindy wants me
to get rid of the...
What the hell is this?
Oh, I fucked him.
♪ Bring me a higher love ♪
Well, yeah, I can see that. Why?!
Um, because that's what
it was designed for?
You were...
you were supposed to talk to it,
- not have sex with it!
- Okay, well, I did talk to it.
And it told me to drink
this bottle of wine.
And then it talked me
into having sex with it.
I can't... You know,
this is cheating, by the way.
- You're cheating on me.
- Uh, with a doll.
- With Dennis!
- Okay, you sh...
His voice is funny.
- Oh, oh, oh! Go to hell!
- I hadn't noticed it.
- Go... You go right to hell!
- It's-it's so high.
- Okay. All right. I know.
- Stupid...
No, shh, shh, shh. Everybody, this is...
- Yeah, shut up, man!
- This is awkward. I got it.
Charlie, I'm breaking up with you.
You're-you're breaking up with me?
- I think you should leave.
- I'm gonna break up with you!
I already said it.
We think you should get out.
- I can't believe this. I'm out of here.
- Wa-Wa-Wait!
Wait, wait, wait. Okay.
Do you have any more bottles of wine?
♪ Bring me a higher love. ♪
I'm sorry, Charlie. This sucks.
I mean, I think maybe some fresh
titty will cheer you up, huh?
- Yeah.
- Charlie, the waitress
is an asshole.
You're just way better off
- without her.
- Yeah. No, you're right.
I'm-I'm just pissed that
Dennis did that to me.
- Of course.
- You know what I mean?
- Dennis is a bastard, man. Right?
- Yeah.
- Always has been, always has been.
- I mean, dude, look around.
You're in the strip club, man.
- Okay!
- We always go to the strip club
- to make ourselves feel better.
- That's right.
- This is fun. Right?
- Yeah, okay. Yes.
Yes.
I feel like I'm forcing it a little.
- It feels forced, right?
- Yeah.
- Why is that?
- Why are we here?
Yeah, I mean, look, guys,
I think the problem is
that we're trying to do
things that we used to do.
But-but things are different now.
Look, Dennis is gone,
and he is not coming back.
We have to accept that.
Yeah, why are we letting Dennis
keep messing up our lives?
- He's not even here, man.
- Yeah. Absolutely. Right.
Like, it's time
to move on from that guy.
And if I'm being perfectly honest,
I like Cindy better.
Oh, yeah. She's smart, she's funny.
- Yes.
- She's an asshole but in all the right ways.
- She's just the right amount of asshole, you know?
- Yeah, exactly.
She's kind of like Dennis
but only way better.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Better than Dennis.
I absolutely prefer her to Dennis.
- Right?
- I like her more.
So, look, maybe we just got
to put Dennis behind us,
- finally, once and for all...
- Mm.
...and move forward, with Cindy,
and be a new gang.
To the new gang.
- There you go.
- The new Cindy gang.
- Yeah, right! New gang!
- New gang, new gang. - New gang with Cindy.
Cindy.
All right, what do we do with him?
Not sure yet.
But, uh, what do you say we do,
like, three rounds of shots
- and figure it out after that?
- Hey!
Hey!
Hey-o! So sorry we're late.
Guys, what the hell?
The Murphy's protest
is about to start. Where is everyone?
Cindy, we just wanted to let
you know that you were right
- about everything, and we think you are amazing.
- Yes, yes.
Now, we were at the strip club
last night, and we came up with a way
to deal with our Dennis
issues and do your plan
- and finally move forward.
- Yeah.
Guys? Let's do it!
Oh, God.
Oh, yuck!
No, stop! Stop it!
Stop! Charlie, stop!
How is this moving things forward?
What are you doing?
Oh, I was playing his asshole.
That part I got. Why?
Well, well, after a series of events
- that I'd rather not go into...
- Not necessary.
I came to the realization
that the only way
to not be humiliated by Dennis
while playing the tuba
- was to play him.
- But then,
out front, he got a little nervous
- about doing that. Yeah. He got a little gun-shy.
- I couldn't do it.
- So I volunteered.
- Yeah.
Well, you see,
we're still making Paddy's great again,
- but now everybody's happy.
- That's right, that's right.
So, what do you think?
You want to know what I think?
- Yeah.
- Um, here's what I think.
I think that you all went
to a strip club last night
and you got super hammered and horny
and the three of you
decided to fuck the doll,
only to find out that when
force is applied to the almost
vacuum-tight polyurethane hole,
it made a noise.
You instantly put it in your mouth.
You probably knew it'd work, because
you clearly have had sex
with the doll multiple times.
You decided that this was
the most brilliant idea
that you've ever come up with,
when, really, it was the result
of the most insane, disgusting
orgy that has ever taken place.
And you, Dee, you just sat back
and watched the whole thing
happen because you are so
numb to this kind of behavior
that it doesn't even
register to you as odd.
- That's dead-on.
- Yeah, you nailed it.
- You nailed it. I mean, like...
- Boy, that... - Wow. Yeah.
- Point by point.
- You ran home with that one.
Guys, come on. You are better than this.
I know you can be better than this.
And I can help you.
But you got to make a choice, okay?
You can either leave Dennis behind
or you can stay the same.
Keep doing what you're doing...
playing a doll's asshole with your mouth
and talking to something that's
never gonna talk back to you.
Or will it?
Oh, shit!
- Kill it!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh. Hey, hey. Take it easy, man.
I'm not a doll.
I threw that thing on the floor.
By the way, what is that thing?
I don't like it. Why do you have it?
- It's for Mac.
- Yeah.
Oh, Mac's shooting his loads into it?
- Definitely his. He definitely is.
- No, no.
Yeah. All right, well, anyway,
I'm back. The real me.
Let's not-not make a whole thing of it.
You.
Uh, I gather
you were meant to replace me?
Well, that's not necessary
anymore, so, um,
you can go now.
Excuse me?
I think you can go.
You dress like it's 1998.
Your look is played out and so are you.
- You're basic.
- Oh. I see.
Well, why don't we, uh...
- why don't we ask them?
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh...
- Well, he did just get here,
- so let's not go crazy, right?
- Kind of like seeing him.
Charlie, you were just playing
his asshole to humiliate him.
- Ah.
- I do lots of crazy things, you know?
- I never really know what I'm...
- Yeah. - That's in the past.
- Yeah. I mean...
- And I like to live in the present.
Dee, you don't want this loser back,
do you?
I mean...
- What? Come on.
- Uh...
They're just gonna go back
to treating you like shit
the minute I leave!
Come on, us ladies,
we got to stick together.
Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying,
but I kind of like being the only woman.
'Cause it makes me feel special.
This is insane. You know what?
Screw you guys.
Enjoy your crappy lives and your insane,
miserable, failed ideas.
You guys are played out. You're basic.
- Uh-oh.
- Ooh, yeah. You know what?
- You already said that. Uh...
- Yeah.
- You did. She said that already.
- A second ago.
Did you run out of insults?
- Recycling her material.
- Yeah. That's not good.
- She didn't have to have a bad attitude about it.
- That's not good. Yeah. Hey,
- I don't know about you guys,
- What a bitch.
but I'm a little bit thirsty.
Do you guys still serve beer here,
or...?
- Oh, yeah.
- I knew you were gonna say something funny, man.
- So smart, too. Clever.
- Do we serve beer? - Because we're a bar.
- Clever. Yeah.
- Do we serve beer?
- Funny, man.
- We do.
Well, welcome back, man.
- Well, for now. I'm back for now.
- Oh? All right.
Guys, you know what?
I think we just made
Paddy's great again.
Shut up, bird.
- Oh!
- Oh!
So reliable.
Yeah, yeah,
you can just count on it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, Mac, did you gain a little weight?
- Yeah.
- Good night, what a night.
You know, you know,
when I first started working at Paddy's,
this place was way more
likely to host a dog fight
than an event like tonight.
In fact, when I first walked in,
there were two dogs fighting.
- Sure.
- They were, like, strays or something
that had wandered in? No one noticed.
- I don't know.
- Anyway, the point is,
that this place has changed.
You know? It's really evolved.
And it's been so welcoming
of this brown-skinned girl
and her liberal ideals.
They're like family now.
Which is saying a lot,
since the first time I met Frank,
he pulled a gun on me.
Misunderstanding. Not racial.
Thanks, Frank. Anyway, the point is,
Paddy's is now a place
where progressive-minded people
like us can feel at home.
And I think that is worth
a round of applause.
Yeah.
Oh.
You think those liberal
morons bought it?
- Oh, yeah!
- They bought every word you said.
Oh, we've never been this successful.
This wine is selling like crazy.
And look,
it's called "Conservative Whine,"
but it's spelled with an "H,"
'cause it's like "We're whining."
It's a pun.
It's a play on the word "wine."
Yeah. Yeah, Mac, I get it.
I came up with it.
- Yeah. yeah.
- Yeah, so smart. Shut up, Mac.
- So smart.
- I get it, I get it.
We're squeezing those liberal
boners for all they got,
and we're just gonna
keep on squeezing them.
- Yeah.
- Uh, no, we're not.
- No, we're not.
- Dee, try to keep up, man.
- Okay?
- I'm sorry.
- Got to keep up.
- Look.
These liberals are easy.
It's the conservative
crowd we're going after.
- How?
- Nice. How? Whatcha thinking?
Oh, uh, a little thing like...
we're gonna make Paddy's great again.
_
All right.
- Hello, guys! Welcome!
- Hello.
Thank you for letting me host
- the planning evening.
- Uh-huh. What'd you make?
Yes, I made Mac's Famous Mac and Cheese
and some energy drinks for everybody.
It's all he ever makes
and it's un-edible.
Okay, whatever.
Let's get to the plan.
Uh, ooh, ooh.
Sorry, um, for interrupting.
I just wanted to do the unveiling first,
if that's cool.
- The unveiling of what?
- Okay, everybody,
are you ready?
Bam.
- All right, what's up?
- What's going on?
Oh, well,
I-I got into really good shape.
Am I hitting the light right?
Wh-What... what's happening?
- Why?
- Why?
I don't know,
I thought maybe we could use it.
Use it for what?
For the bar.
- How?
- How?
Well, Cindy, do you think maybe
we could fit this into the plan?
I don't think so.
I don't really know
what's going on here, though.
- Me, neither.
- Yeah, no one ever really knows what's going on with Mac.
- He's fat, he's skinny, he's muscular, it's...
- It's best to ignore it.
It's really a cry for
help and attention,
- I think, so...
- Yeah.
...what you do in that
situation is you ignore those.
Yeah, treat it like a baby.
Treat it like a toddler.
- We're not gonna... put it into the plan?
- That make sense?
- Yeah. Okay.
- Why did I... why did I do it?
- Nobody knows.
- We don't know.
- So, I have a great plan.
- Should I put my shirt on?
- But...
- I think that's best.
Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, congrats,
Mac, it looks really good.
- Good job.
- Can we figure out a way
- to incorporate later?
- Let's just move past it now,
- 'cause it's dinnertime.
- Yeah?
You guys like me, right?
- So...
- Okay,
I have a plan how we are
gonna shut down Murphy's Pub.
What's that?
- What's Murphy's Pub? What is that?
- Wait, what is that?
Murphy's Pub?
It's around the corner from you guys.
- Oh, the bar, the bar.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
The super successful
bar around the corner.
- They do well.
- Why would we shut that down?
Because they do, like, five times
- the business that we do.
- They do?
Yeah, so we're gonna poach
their customers, shut them down,
thereby making Paddy's great again.
- Whoa! That is so smart.
- That is smart.
Why have we never
thought about doing that?
I don't know,
we're gonna steal their customers.
Ah, this is the waitress.
Do you guys mind if I get this?
Yeah, we're right in the middle...
Hey, honey.
Sorry, I'm in a meeting.
Are you just...
You're just checking in?
I don't know.
Is the TV just not working?
All right.
Can I call you later or something,
'cause I'm just...
We're super bu... we're in the thing.
Yeah, I'll check in later.
- Sorry, she was just checking in.
- Oh, cool.
Yeah. All right, so what's up?
- So, how are we gonna do this?
- I'm gonna take you through the plan.
There's a lot of moving pieces,
and you each play
- a crucial part.
- It's here! It's here!
Cindy, I am so sorry for interrupting,
but it has finally arrived,
and I think you are going
to be very impressed
with what is inside this crate.
- Another rocket launcher.
- No, Frank.
Much cooler than that.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
What am I looking at here, Mac?
- What? What do you mean?
- Oh...
- Is that a sex doll?
- Yeah.
- Is that Dennis?
- Well, yeah, of course.
- Is that part of the plan?
- No!
Why did you get a sex doll
of your old roommate?
Because you told me to get one.
- I definitely did not.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was, I was super sad about
my old roommate leaving,
and you said I needed something
Dennis-shaped to fill my hole.
No, Mac, I said that you obviously had
a Dennis-shaped hole in your
life that you needed to fill.
How is that not the same thing?
Okay, I obviously wanted you to,
I don't know, maybe start dating
or do something,
not get a sex doll of your best friend.
- No, not best friend.
- Oh, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah, sorry, not best friend.
- He didn't like him much.
He left him a contact number
for where he was gonna be
in North Dakota, but it ended
up being a mental health line.
- Yeah.
- He miswrote
- one of the digits, and that...
- Nah, he knew what he was doing.
- He was avoiding him.
- No, it was not a mistake.
All right, well, look, guys,
either way, it's not weird.
It's not like I'm
gonna have sex with it.
He's gonna have sex with that
the second we walk out of this door.
No. It might just be cool to have around
for, like, companionship, you know?
- Nah, he wants to bang it.
- I'm not gonna bang it.
- This is the waitress again. Should I get it?
- Oh, my God, come on.
Okay, you know what,
you know what, this is just...
this is not gonna work here, all right?
Let's just go.
Please get rid of the doll.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll get rid of the doll.
It was a misunderstanding, you know?
Like, I'm not gonna have sex with it.
He is. The second we leave,
he's gonna bang it.
Okay, guys, I am going to use
social media to spread fake news
that Murphy's hired an
alt-right figurehead
to speak at their pub.
The liberals are gonna protest,
while the conservatives are
gonna march for the speaker's
First Amendment rights,
and that is where Frank comes in.
A tuba? What am I gonna do with a tuba?
You're gonna play it
to enflame the crowd.
Dee, we're gonna need to
distract Murphy's security guard
- with a pretty blonde.
- Okay.
You want me to go find one?
No. I'm talking about you.
Oh, you want me to flirt? Oh, wow.
Normally I'm on lookout
while Dennis flirts.
But okay, I'm in.
- Great. Next part of the plan. Now, listen up...
- Oh, hey, guys.
So, so sorry.
Cindy, I'm so sorry I'm late.
- Got held up, but I am ready.
- What is this?
Why did you bring that thing?
I told you to get rid of it!
Oh, I tried, but apparently,
I cannot return the doll
due to the custom nature
of the usage of the doll.
- Banging its mouth.
- Right.
I guess some people do.
I don't know, but I don't know.
Either way, what do you guys think?
- About what?
- I'm shirtless in the duster.
Oh, yeah. Why?
- Well, I thought that could work.
- Toward what?
I don't know.
This is Cindy's plan.
Cindy, how does this work?
It doesn't. Stop trying to
shoehorn your shirtless-ness
into plans that have no need for it.
Well, I feel like this is
what Dennis would've done.
Yeah, but Dennis
had a reason for it, man!
And you're not Dennis!
You're never gonna be, all right?
- So just drop it.
- This, by the way,
- is desperate and sad.
- It's just sad, dude.
It was his idea anyway, so...
I'm sorry,
the sex doll gave you an idea?
Well, not exactly,
but you know, it was, like,
when I was sitting there with him,
I was sort of picturing
what Dennis would say.
- Oh.
- And that's...
- Nice one, man.
- What?
Oh, something the doll just said.
The doll talks to you now?
No, the doll's not talking to me,
but like he said,
I was picturing what Dennis
might've said in the situation
and Dennis just said
something really funny.
- What was it?
- Well, it was about you, Dee.
- I just heard it.
- Do you picture it?
I heard it. Oh, yeah.
- I heard it.
- It's...
What the hell are you
guys talking about?
- It called me a bird.
- Yes! It did.
- Exactly.
- So you did hear it.
- We all heard it.
- Bird.
How is that funny?
It's-it's really not.
It's just the way Dennis
would have said it.
You can just sort of picture
it coming out of his mouth.
Okay, okay, cool, but, guys,
can we just get back to the plan?
- Yes.
- Mac's shirtless plan, or...?
Mac's shirtless plan.
No, he did not have a plan.
Our plan. My plan.
To shut down Murphy's.
Dee, you're gonna flirt
with the security guard.
Frank, tuba. Mac, Charlie,
I need you to change
labels on wine bottles.
Okay? Any questions?
Yes?
The blowjob mouth,
did it come standard on the doll
or did you customize that?
It's not a blowjob mouth, Dee.
Don't be crass.
I requested that the doll feel as though
- it's in mid-conversation.
- Oh.
- Okay. Any other questions?
- Yup.
Not about the sex doll.
"Liberal Tears." It's so funny because
the liberals are always
whining about stuff
and the conservatives drink it up.
- They're drinking their tears.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
No, Cindy's brilliant, man.
And using all the glitter and
stuff was a great idea, too,
- you know what I mean?
- Yeah, I had a good idea about the glitter.
I was thinking maybe
you would slather it
all over my naked torso
and we would use that.
Why?
Oh, well, that can just be a
part of the plan, you know?
It doesn't have anything to
do with anything, though.
Well, then why did I do all
this working out, Charlie?
Nobody knows, man.
- All right, guys. What do you think?
- Whoa!
- Wow, Dee, you look great!
- Really?
Yeah, I hate to admit it,
but this look's kind of working for you.
Yeah, you might actually be able
to distract that security guard.
Nice.
Whoa!
- Frank, you got it, man!
- Holy shit! Uh, look.
Dee looks good,
Frank's killing it on the tuba,
we might actually be able
to pull this thing off.
I think we're gonna do it. I think...
What happened?
I can't do it.
- Wh-Why?
- What went wrong?
He's staring right at me.
So what?
Look, I know it's just a lifeless thing
that Mac pumps his loads into,
but it's in my head.
Again, guys,
I am not having sex with the doll.
- You unload in that doll.
- You're having sex with the doll.
- You unload into that doll.
- I can smell it. Yeah.
No, th-that's bleach. I cleaned him.
- Well, then why did you clean it?
- Why did you clean it?
It doesn't matter why I cleaned it.
I-I'm a sanitary person.
Look, I got to be honest.
It's in my head, too.
- How?
- It doesn't like what I'm wearing
and it thinks I need more makeup.
- Oh...
- Oh, my God.
I can totally see that.
Yeah, I can picture Dennis
saying that to you right now.
Yeah, it also thinks Mac looks fat.
- That's... that's a lie!
- I know, I know, but it...
- that's just what he thinks.
- Let me ask it. Dennis, does Mac look fat?
- What... No!
- Oh, yeah.
Dennis, Dennis, I am not fat.
Look, I'm ripped.
I don't know why he did it either, man.
He just did it.
Well, there... it's a long story.
He's not impressed.
What, you don't like the labels?
It doesn't like the labels on the...
these are dumb
"Liberal Tears," right.
Does it say "tear"
or does it say "tear"? It's confusing.
Maybe I'll do a couple
of crunches, though.
I'm gonna go put some more lipstick on.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna practice.
Yeah... oh. Yeah. Oh.
Now I'm getting a call again.
It's her again.
Hey, honey.
Yeah, I'm just, I'm working...
still working with the ga...
Yeah. Uh, they're all...
You want to say hi or something?
Tell her not to worry
'cause I'm doing crunches.
Oh, yeah, no,
he's doing crunches for Dennis.
No, he's not back.
It's... what do you care
if Dennis is back?
Look... Can I...
Can we just catch up later
when I get home from...
Hang on. I just got an idea.
So it's called "Liberal Tears."
I don't know if it's confusing,
that's not really the point.
What I want to know is
what do you think of this?
I think it's super weird.
Like in a good way or like...?
Like in the creepiest
possible way, Charlie.
I mean, it's like Dennis
is sitting in our apartment
just staring at us.
I know, but, like, look,
you need someone to talk to, right?
And I-I just,
I can't be that guy right now.
I'm so busy being a success and stuff.
It's just, like, so much work.
I'm sorry.
You want me to talk to the doll?
Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
And-and it's weird,
'cause it's-it's kind of
like he talks back to you.
It's crazy. He's already shamed Mac,
which was pretty funny.
All right, I got to run.
W-W-Wait. You're leaving? Can I come?
Well, no, sweetie.
It's... I-I got to go work at the bar.
A-And that's gonna be a trigger
for you with all the drinking...
- I feel like like you're always going to the bar...
- Sweetie.
- ...and always running out.
- Oh, sweetie, the feelings.
N-N-No. The doll.
That's what the doll is for.
You talk to the doll,
- and-and not me so much.
- Charlie.
Mm, sorry. I feel foolish.
You had this, Frank;
I heard you earlier.
I know, but I'm all in my head about it.
Okay, now that makes one, two, three.
- Three bottles of wine.
- Three?
You guys have only done three bottles?
Yeah. I'm sorry, Cindy.
We just got a little distracted.
- Yeah.
- Wait. And what happened
to the labels; those just say "wine."
We thought "Liberal Tears"
was maybe gonna be confusing,
- you know?
- Yeah, like, what if people read it like "tears"?
You know, like,
what are these liberals tearing?
- And why are they tearing it?
- Yeah.
And, Dee, what is this?
Oh, it's just a-a new lighting setup.
It-it washes me out.
It's-it's a better look.
Guys, what is happening here?
Everything was going so smoothly.
Yeah, it's nothing. It's fine.
No, it's nothing.
W-We're doing good still, we're good.
- Whatever. We got this.
- Don't worry about us. - Don't know.
Wait a second.
This doesn't have anything
to do with the doll, does it?
- Come on. Why would the doll...?
- No.
- The doll? What do we care about the doll?
- The doll...
No?
- Okay, well, where is the doll?
- It's at my apartment.
Why isn't it in the trash?
It's-it's just doing me a quick favor.
- Get rid of it.
- Yeah.
I don't care. Trash. Burn.
River. Just get rid of it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
It was a bad... bad idea.
- Yeah, get rid of it, dude.
- It's going in the trash.
- Yeah, get rid of it, man.
- Yeah. Got to go. Got to go.
See, I told him. I told him.
It's just a doll, you know?
It's-it's fun to have around.
It's kind of cool.
Hey, it's me.
It looks like Cindy wants me
to get rid of the...
What the hell is this?
Oh, I fucked him.
♪ Bring me a higher love ♪
Well, yeah, I can see that. Why?!
Um, because that's what
it was designed for?
You were...
you were supposed to talk to it,
- not have sex with it!
- Okay, well, I did talk to it.
And it told me to drink
this bottle of wine.
And then it talked me
into having sex with it.
I can't... You know,
this is cheating, by the way.
- You're cheating on me.
- Uh, with a doll.
- With Dennis!
- Okay, you sh...
His voice is funny.
- Oh, oh, oh! Go to hell!
- I hadn't noticed it.
- Go... You go right to hell!
- It's-it's so high.
- Okay. All right. I know.
- Stupid...
No, shh, shh, shh. Everybody, this is...
- Yeah, shut up, man!
- This is awkward. I got it.
Charlie, I'm breaking up with you.
You're-you're breaking up with me?
- I think you should leave.
- I'm gonna break up with you!
I already said it.
We think you should get out.
- I can't believe this. I'm out of here.
- Wa-Wa-Wait!
Wait, wait, wait. Okay.
Do you have any more bottles of wine?
♪ Bring me a higher love. ♪
I'm sorry, Charlie. This sucks.
I mean, I think maybe some fresh
titty will cheer you up, huh?
- Yeah.
- Charlie, the waitress
is an asshole.
You're just way better off
- without her.
- Yeah. No, you're right.
I'm-I'm just pissed that
Dennis did that to me.
- Of course.
- You know what I mean?
- Dennis is a bastard, man. Right?
- Yeah.
- Always has been, always has been.
- I mean, dude, look around.
You're in the strip club, man.
- Okay!
- We always go to the strip club
- to make ourselves feel better.
- That's right.
- This is fun. Right?
- Yeah, okay. Yes.
Yes.
I feel like I'm forcing it a little.
- It feels forced, right?
- Yeah.
- Why is that?
- Why are we here?
Yeah, I mean, look, guys,
I think the problem is
that we're trying to do
things that we used to do.
But-but things are different now.
Look, Dennis is gone,
and he is not coming back.
We have to accept that.
Yeah, why are we letting Dennis
keep messing up our lives?
- He's not even here, man.
- Yeah. Absolutely. Right.
Like, it's time
to move on from that guy.
And if I'm being perfectly honest,
I like Cindy better.
Oh, yeah. She's smart, she's funny.
- Yes.
- She's an asshole but in all the right ways.
- She's just the right amount of asshole, you know?
- Yeah, exactly.
She's kind of like Dennis
but only way better.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Better than Dennis.
I absolutely prefer her to Dennis.
- Right?
- I like her more.
So, look, maybe we just got
to put Dennis behind us,
- finally, once and for all...
- Mm.
...and move forward, with Cindy,
and be a new gang.
To the new gang.
- There you go.
- The new Cindy gang.
- Yeah, right! New gang!
- New gang, new gang. - New gang with Cindy.
Cindy.
All right, what do we do with him?
Not sure yet.
But, uh, what do you say we do,
like, three rounds of shots
- and figure it out after that?
- Hey!
Hey!
Hey-o! So sorry we're late.
Guys, what the hell?
The Murphy's protest
is about to start. Where is everyone?
Cindy, we just wanted to let
you know that you were right
- about everything, and we think you are amazing.
- Yes, yes.
Now, we were at the strip club
last night, and we came up with a way
to deal with our Dennis
issues and do your plan
- and finally move forward.
- Yeah.
Guys? Let's do it!
Oh, God.
Oh, yuck!
No, stop! Stop it!
Stop! Charlie, stop!
How is this moving things forward?
What are you doing?
Oh, I was playing his asshole.
That part I got. Why?
Well, well, after a series of events
- that I'd rather not go into...
- Not necessary.
I came to the realization
that the only way
to not be humiliated by Dennis
while playing the tuba
- was to play him.
- But then,
out front, he got a little nervous
- about doing that. Yeah. He got a little gun-shy.
- I couldn't do it.
- So I volunteered.
- Yeah.
Well, you see,
we're still making Paddy's great again,
- but now everybody's happy.
- That's right, that's right.
So, what do you think?
You want to know what I think?
- Yeah.
- Um, here's what I think.
I think that you all went
to a strip club last night
and you got super hammered and horny
and the three of you
decided to fuck the doll,
only to find out that when
force is applied to the almost
vacuum-tight polyurethane hole,
it made a noise.
You instantly put it in your mouth.
You probably knew it'd work, because
you clearly have had sex
with the doll multiple times.
You decided that this was
the most brilliant idea
that you've ever come up with,
when, really, it was the result
of the most insane, disgusting
orgy that has ever taken place.
And you, Dee, you just sat back
and watched the whole thing
happen because you are so
numb to this kind of behavior
that it doesn't even
register to you as odd.
- That's dead-on.
- Yeah, you nailed it.
- You nailed it. I mean, like...
- Boy, that... - Wow. Yeah.
- Point by point.
- You ran home with that one.
Guys, come on. You are better than this.
I know you can be better than this.
And I can help you.
But you got to make a choice, okay?
You can either leave Dennis behind
or you can stay the same.
Keep doing what you're doing...
playing a doll's asshole with your mouth
and talking to something that's
never gonna talk back to you.
Or will it?
Oh, shit!
- Kill it!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh. Hey, hey. Take it easy, man.
I'm not a doll.
I threw that thing on the floor.
By the way, what is that thing?
I don't like it. Why do you have it?
- It's for Mac.
- Yeah.
Oh, Mac's shooting his loads into it?
- Definitely his. He definitely is.
- No, no.
Yeah. All right, well, anyway,
I'm back. The real me.
Let's not-not make a whole thing of it.
You.
Uh, I gather
you were meant to replace me?
Well, that's not necessary
anymore, so, um,
you can go now.
Excuse me?
I think you can go.
You dress like it's 1998.
Your look is played out and so are you.
- You're basic.
- Oh. I see.
Well, why don't we, uh...
- why don't we ask them?
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh...
- Well, he did just get here,
- so let's not go crazy, right?
- Kind of like seeing him.
Charlie, you were just playing
his asshole to humiliate him.
- Ah.
- I do lots of crazy things, you know?
- I never really know what I'm...
- Yeah. - That's in the past.
- Yeah. I mean...
- And I like to live in the present.
Dee, you don't want this loser back,
do you?
I mean...
- What? Come on.
- Uh...
They're just gonna go back
to treating you like shit
the minute I leave!
Come on, us ladies,
we got to stick together.
Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying,
but I kind of like being the only woman.
'Cause it makes me feel special.
This is insane. You know what?
Screw you guys.
Enjoy your crappy lives and your insane,
miserable, failed ideas.
You guys are played out. You're basic.
- Uh-oh.
- Ooh, yeah. You know what?
- You already said that. Uh...
- Yeah.
- You did. She said that already.
- A second ago.
Did you run out of insults?
- Recycling her material.
- Yeah. That's not good.
- She didn't have to have a bad attitude about it.
- That's not good. Yeah. Hey,
- I don't know about you guys,
- What a bitch.
but I'm a little bit thirsty.
Do you guys still serve beer here,
or...?
- Oh, yeah.
- I knew you were gonna say something funny, man.
- So smart, too. Clever.
- Do we serve beer? - Because we're a bar.
- Clever. Yeah.
- Do we serve beer?
- Funny, man.
- We do.
Well, welcome back, man.
- Well, for now. I'm back for now.
- Oh? All right.
Guys, you know what?
I think we just made
Paddy's great again.
Shut up, bird.
- Oh!
- Oh!
So reliable.
Yeah, yeah,
you can just count on it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, Mac, did you gain a little weight?