It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 5 - Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer - full transcript

Have you read
where there's clowns
coming to towns

and scaring children?

Can you see
if that's a paid gig?

Fxx presents it's always sunny
in Philadelphia.

Dennis:
All right.

Uh, let's get started.

What do you guys want to know?

narrator: The circumstances
surrounding the death of

the woman born
Maureen ponderosa

captivated south Philadelphia.

She was discovered in an alley
with a broken neck.

In 2013, Maureen had begun

her transition to a cat.

And in her cat form,
she went by the name bastet

to honor the Egyptian god
of cats.

The story quickly became fodder
for local media.

So much for having nine lives.

This cat did not land
on her feet.

She landed on her neck.

Narrator:
Authorities soon focused

on the suspicious nature
of her death.

Girard:
My name is Lance girard.

I've been with the Philadelphia
police department for 24 years,

12 of which were with
the homicide division.

I've seen a lot of things.

A man wants to turn himself
into a woman?

Okay. Who am I to judge?

But, really, a cat?

What's next? A watermelon?

First thing we wanted
to establish is

to whether the deceased
was acting strange.

Not like "I'm turning myself
into a cat" strange.

More like suicide strange.

We learned that she was excited
about an upcoming surgery,

a, uh, reverse nipplectomy.

That's where
they add more nipples.

I guess--

I don't know--
she wanted more nipples.

The thought of that just
makes me want to blow my lunch.

Now, apparently,
the ex-husband was on the hook

for this surgery
due to an alimony arrangement.

He wasn't happy about it.

That's when he became
our primary suspect.

Dennis:
Was I irritated by this?

Yeah, of course I was.

I mean, it was the most
expensive procedure yet.

You know,
but i-i remained supportive

and, uh, kept my cool.

And I never threatened her
in any way.

Now, due to the nature
of this call,

we decided to bring him in
for questioning.

And he cooperated.

Said he wanted
to clear his name.

Girard:
He answered every question.

Even offered DNA samples.

Although he did request
to draw his own blood,

which is kind of strange.

Mr. Reynolds was forthright.

Charming, quite frankly.

Girard:
It wasn't until I reviewed

the interrogation footage later
that I saw it.

Something very unsettling.

24 years on the job,

I'd never seen anything
like it.

Two hours.

Never moved.

Never blinked.

Gives me goose bumps
just thinking about it.

He had all the right answers,

but my gut told me
this guy was guilty.

Of something.

Did I kill Maureen? No.

Am I glad she's dead? Sure.

Narrator: Maureen's family was
convinced of Dennis's guilt.

Maureen?

Maureen died three years ago.

Dennis killed bastet, all right?

And let me tell you something.
He did us all a favor.

You ever seen a grown woman
take a dump in a sandbox?

Narrator: Despite conjecture,
the question still remained:

Was there anything
in Dennis Reynolds' past

that would suggest him
capable of murder?

Testing. Testing.

Syphilis. Syphilis.

That's... well, yeah...

Well, he kind of...

Snapped the neck, uh, off a crow
one time a little bit.

But that... but that's not

not normal right, you know?

I mean, it was just like boys

being boys. Yeah. That...

Look, we had a totally
normal childhood, and...

Look, Dennis wouldn't
hurt a fly. No way.

Frank:
Whatever Deandra says is bs.

She's probably just
covering for him

because she's afraid he's gonna
snap her neck like that crow.

Dee: He didn't just snap it.

He broke the thing's head
clean off.

It was gruesome.

I still have nightmares
about it.

And I'm old.

She told you what?

No, no, no, no. No, no.

Look... that crow was injured,

and I was simply
putting it out of its misery,

while, yes, testing the tensile
strength of a crow's neck.

Well, yes,
there was another crow,

but that's because
i simply couldn't believe

that a crow's neck
could be that weak.

Well, yes,
there was a third crow,

and a fourth, if you must know,
but who likes crows?

Frank: Look, if you can kill
a crow, you can kill a cat.

Cat, cat, cat...

That's why I started recording
all our conversations.

I suspected frank
was probably recording

all of our conversations,
because of course he would.

But let me tell you something,

he was no fan of Maureen's,
either.

He was just trying
to deflect attention,

which is why I started recording

all of our conversations
as well.

I could have worn a goddamn
imax camera around my neck

and he wouldn't have noticed.

The old bitch.

And I caught him saying
some pretty troubling stuff.

What are we watching here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cats, cats.

Is that me?

Cats. I'll tell you what to do
with cats.

Who shot this thing? Dennis?

Here's what you do with cats.

Back in the sweatshop in 'nam,
we found a cat,

we tossed it right in the soup.

Those hungry bastards
ate cat soup every day.

What's the worst thing
that could happen?

Some little kid choke
on a hairball and die.

So then you toss him
in the soup.

I was making money hand
over foot, literally.

Somebody lost a hand or a foot,
I'd toss it in the soup.

Well, that's all a lie.

Uh, there was no soup.

Nope.

There's no sweatshop.

Excuse me.
I got to go to the can.

Narrator: Investigators wanted
to verify the timeline

Dennis provided to authorities.

Dennis:
Like I told the police, uh,

Mac and I were watching a movie
back at the apartment,

and then I went to the bar.

That's true. We were watching
operation dumbo drop.

We were doing this amazing thing
that I came up with,

where we watch an old movie,

and then I turn
the volume down really low

and we make wiseacre remarks
the entire time.

Yeah, he didn't come up with it.

It's just
mystery science theater 3000.

It's a spin on that.
It's exactly that.

Well, there's no robots.
So it's worse.

Oh, come on, Dennis.
It's funny.

It-it's not funny.
It's not funny at all,

because you can never
think of jokes on the fly.

H-he, like,
pauses the movie

to try and think of
something funny to say,

and then he never can
think of anything funny,

so he ends up just saying a line
from borat or Austin powers.

It's super annoying and
played-out, and it's not funny.

Well, uh, like this.
"Get in my belly."

But you're never referring
to anything when you say it.

"Yeah, baby.
Get in my belly."

Well, that's two
different characters.

That's Mike Myers.
It's not Mike Myers.

It's... it's
multiple characters

that Mike Myers plays
in-in the same movie.

Multiple characters
in the same movie?

What is he, a wizard?

Look, it's funny, Dennis.

It's not funny.

Are we done with this?
Can we be done?

I'm tired of saying the same
things over and over again.

Well, wait. Wh-- hold-- Dennis,
d-don't leave without me.

I mean, dude, look,
are you mad at me?

Narrator: Investigators could
find no discrepancies

in the timeline.

But then...

A twist.

He totally could have done it.

Now, supposably, Dennis didn't
see Maureen that night,

but remember that Maureen
was once Dennis's...

"Wife. Very nice."

That was borat.

It was Friday, payday.

Maureen always came
into paddy's

to pick up her alimony check,
asap.

Narrator: To avoid confusion,
it should be pointed out

that in a bizarre twist,

Deandra Reynolds refused to
be a part of this documentary

unless we allowed her
to play Maureen

in the reenactment.

Mac: And Dennis always made
a big show

of getting her
with the spray bottle.

You know,
because cats hate water.

So, you see, Dennis totally saw
Maureen that night.

Charlie was there.

Why hasn't he spoken up?

Probably because Dennis...

Intimidated him.

Oh, I just thought it'd be
more dramatic if I...

Oh, come on, come on.
I didn't lie.

I just left out some facts
that are insignificant.

And-and intimidate Charlie?
Please. What am I gonna do?

Call him on the phone
and threaten him?

No, I know. But, I mean,
if Mac's gonna do it,

then, you know, I'm gonna do it.

At this point
in the interrogation,

Christ, I was at a loss.

Narrator:
Further inspection
of Dennis Reynolds' safe

revealed a cache
of suspicious items.

Dennis:
Awesome.

Narrator:
So while Mr. Kelly's statements

were clearly unreliable and
would need to be thrown out,

another breakthrough came:

Autopsy results
came back from the lab.

Um...

Look, is getting groomed
like a cat by your ex weird?

Yep.

Is it illegal?

I wish.

Narrator: The investigation
was at a crossroads.

Then another massive break.

Frank: Dennis has an answer
for everything.

Well, answer me this:

Where's the collar?

Cats have collars.

Maureen's body

didn't have a collar on it.

Killers keep trophies.

Alls I'm saying,

find the collar,
find the killer.

Narrator: This is not the first
time the collar came up.

Dee Reynolds had, oddly,

made the collar an issue
during filming.

Dee:
Hey. Stop!

Stop! Stop with the squirting!
Stop! Cool it!

We said one spray
and then my line.

I... it was in my contract
that we talked...

I put one squirt in there
for... on purpose.

And this collar! I...
Th-there's something wrong

with the collar.
It's driving me nuts.

It... is an actual flea collar?

You son of a bitch.

I-i really think
the water activated

some kind of, like, chemical
agent. My-my neck's burning.

Narrator: Was the flea collar
actually burning her,

as she claimed?

Are you serious?

Yes, asshole!
It was burning my skin!

You want to zoom in on this?!

Narrator:
Hard to say.

But maybe there was
another reason she removed it.

Frank:
Whatever Deandra says is bs.

She's probably just covering
for him because she's afraid

he's gonna snap her neck
like that crow.

Narrator: Maybe Deandra
didn't want to wear the collar

in order to cover
for her brother

and to establish that Maureen
never wore a collar at all.

We then discovered something
in this piece of footage

that blew the doors wide open
on this case.

Was I a person of interest?

Yeah.

I am an interesting person.

But at the end of the day,
you know,

I'm just some guy
with a crazy ex-wife

who fell off of a roof
pretending to be a cat.

That's the end of it.

All my stories checked out.

I was cleared. Case closed.

Frank: Find the collar,
find the killer.

Find the collar,
find the killer.

Dennis: ...'Cause a dog
is who I am now!

Wrestling announcer:
...Hit the referee!

Frank:
Find the collar...

Mac:
"Very nice."

Frank: Find the collar,
find the killer.

guys, this was an open-and-shut
case that was shut months ago.

And Maureen never wore a collar.
You guys put that there.

Well, yeah, we needed
a big twist at the end

to show that you're guilty.

But I'm-I'm not guilty.

What about the security footage
of Maureen's death?

I mean, it shows her
prancing around on the roof

like an asshole,
and then she just falls off.

Charlie:
People don't want to see that,

because it's hard evidence,
you know what I mean? Yeah.

Charlie: Like, it's better
to actually sit on that footage

until, like, maybe episode
ten, and then let people

decide then if you're
guilty or not.

Ten episo... you're gonna do
ten episodes of this?

Yeah, but then even then
we would keep it vague.

I mean, 'cause
that's entertainment, you know?

Someone gets murdered,
and then you make a show.

But you never give
any actual answers,

because that's
what people love.
No.

You drag it out. You rake it
all over the victim's family.

It's sort of like eating
a bag of chips, you know?

It's never gonna
actually make you full,

and at the end you're sick,

but you want
to go back for more.

You want more chips.

Murder is chips.
Okay,

you know what, I don't know
what you guys are talking about,

but I'm gonna find these tapes,
and I'm gonna destroy them.

Well, we have backups,
so it... oh, you know what?
Yeah.

That could make a good episode,
where he's destroying--

let's think about that, right?
He's destroying the tapes...

Mac:
You know what,

that would be

"Very nice."

Is that borat?

Yes! See?

He gets it.
He's laughing.

Yeah, 'cause I know he
was doing an impression.
He's laughing.

Okay, wait, uh, let me...
Let me think of another one.

Let me think of another one.
"I'll be back."

Charlie: Oh...
Who is that? Who is that?

Captioned by
media access group at wgbh

who do girls
want to have sex with
more than anybody?

Jugglers.
Ju--

dudes who can,
like, juggle things.
I know what a juggler is.

Sunny.
All new, wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on fxx.

I am a very dangerous man

to know.

Announcer: Taboo.
All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx.

Announcer: Man seeking woman.

All new, wednesdays at 10:30.

Only on fxx.

I had a little, uh,
kung pao chicken
in my teeth.

Was it alive?

I look terrific now.

Man: So, is he crazy?

Man #2:
He believes he's mentally ill.

But at the same time,
part of him knows...

The power's real.

Take an hour
of his time.

Wow. Look at
Stan's yard.

Someone's been busy.

Clearly not in ours.
Maybe Henry can do
some work today.

Yeah.

I forget your back
is always bad
this time of year.

Only when there
are leaves--

when did you
wash this last?