It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 4 - Wolf Cola: A Public Relations Nightmare - full transcript

FRANK: ♪ Go for it ♪

♪ Go for it ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Go for it, go for it, go. ♪

♪ Go for it, go for it, go. ♪

(grunts)

♪ Go for it, go for it, go. ♪

Go for it, go for it.

(coughing sneeze)

Well, somebody's chipper this morning.

Oh... you guys were there all this time?

I didn't see you.

Yeah, we just didn't want to interrupt

your morning routine.

Is doing cocaine every
morning your routine, Frank?

- Yeah.
- Hey, Frank,

how's Wolf Cola doing?

Funny you should ask.

I'm selling it to the
Jews in Boca Raton.

They're slurping it up

like candy. They're...

I'm telling you, they're addicted.

If I recall,
Wolf Cola used to just be, like,

a money laundering front.

Well, it was,
but I'm selling it now by the truckload.

I mean, they can't get enough of it.

It's become the official
drink of Boca Raton.

Why do you ask?

Well, just 'cause of this.

The group released

another video today.

_

_

_

_

(men shouting)

(automatic gunfire)

Preliminary investigations

have revealed that Wolf
Cola may in fact be

an American soda company,
although how and why Boko Haram

has adopted it as their
official soft drink

is unknown at this time.

We'll keep you updated on
this story as it develops.

Boca Raton, Frank?

Or the official soft
drink of Boko Haram?

Whoops.

♪ ♪

How do you confuse a city in Florida

with a terrorist organization in Africa?

It's an easy misunderstanding.

It is if you're an elderly cokehead,

trying to launder money through a dummy

- (laughing): soda corporation.
- (laughs)

This is bigger than cola, Dee.

This is gonna touch
all of Frank's Fluids.

My God, there are other fluids?

Yeah, Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink...

Fight Milk.

- Fight Milk?!
- Fight Milk?!

- Yeah.
- Wait, wait, dude, that's our drink.

You've been selling that?

It's selling like crazy

with the UFC guys.

- UFC fighters are drinking Fight Milk?
- What?!

Buying it like crazy.

Oh, my God, Charlie, this is huge.

- Yeah!
- Remember, we designed that

for bodyguards, by bodyguards.

And it makes total sense
because the-the best bodyguards

- are former UFC fighters.
- Well, of course.

And the best UFC fighters
are former bodyguards,

so bodyguards, UFC fighters,

- that's like...
- It's a revolving door.

- Absolutely.
- Of course.

We got to take control of the product.

L-let's get out there.

Let's-let's-let's
mingle with these dudes.

- Let's expand the brand, baby.
- (caws)

- Fight Milk's back.
- (both cawing)

- Fight Milk!
- Yeah! Yeah!

Found my go bag.

Dee, come over here
and dye my hair blond.

(Dee and Dennis laughing)

- Go bag?
- You're gonna go blond?

- (laughs)
- Yeah.

This is not funny.

Oh, no, it's very funny to me, actually,

'cause your life's falling apart.

Yeah, you really screwed
yourself this time, Frank.

Hey, do you mind?

Yeah, go ahead. I'm screwed?

You're going down, too, buddy.

(sniffs) What?

Remember when you wanted all the power

so you could get the puss?

I made you executive

vice president of
worldwide distribution.

- Shit, but nobody knows that, right?
- (laughs)

I mean, dude,
I only wanted the illusion of power.

The-the illusion.

I never saw an ounce of puss.

Oh, this is a good day for me.

- You're going down, too? This is great.
- You're laughing?

You're executive vice
president of operations.

- Oh.
- What?

Yes.

Goddamn it, Frank,
why would you lump me into this?

It's a family business.
I wanted it to be wholesome.

- Okay, a-all right, all right.
- Oh, no.

- Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic.
- Oh, no.

I got this, I got this.

We-we just need to face
this thing head-on.

And we need to do it right away, okay?

Because we only have...

...24 hours.

This is why we had to wait

for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

Yes, bitch. Now, listen,

we live in the age of
the 24-hour news cycle,

which means we only have

24 hours to respond to this, okay?

If we don't, then Internet trolls

are gonna control the narrative.

I don't know how we're gonna come back

from dealing with terrorists.

Christ, Mercedes built Nazi tanks, okay?

And the Jews are still
driving their cars around.

Floyd Mayweather beat the shit

out of multiple women
and he's the highest paid

athlete of all time.

All right? There's only one thing

you can't come back from...
banging kids.

Well, what about the Catholic Church?

Hmm. That's a good point.

Yeah, no, they did sidestep

banging kids pretty masterfully,

but they've got billions of
dollars at their disposal

- and we do not, so...
- No.

here we go.

(techno music blares)

- Fight Milk!
- Fight Milk's in the house.

Fight Milk's in the house.

- CHARLIE: Who needs some Fight Milk?
- MAC: Fight! Fight!

(both cawing)

- Fight Milk's in the house.
- That's right.

Time to stop eating your crow

and start drinking your crow, everybody.

MAN: Hey, guys.

Turn off that Cancun,

pussy ass, techno bullshit.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I said.

- I said turn off the...
- That's what I was saying is...

Don't play the c... the...

the Cancun bullshit, Charlie,

- and he said...
- I said the same thing, yeah.

Got to go spring break. Well, anyway,

- let's tell you about ourselves.
- Yeah.

We're the founders and
creators of Fight Milk.

- Yeah.
- We wanted to come by and tell you

a little bit about what we do.

- Yeah.
- Now, I've always been very passionate

- about dominating other men.
- Uh-oh.

There's nothing like the feeling

of another man submitting to your will.

Now that's power.

- Yeah.
- In a lot of ways, that's love.

What are you talking about?

Okay, he's a bodyguard, though.

- Yeah.
- I feel like you were being unclear.

- Did-did I not say that?
- Yeah, you should say...

- you should lead with that.
- I'm screwing up the pitch.

You know what, I'm gonna jump in here.

We're-we're a couple of crow enthusiasts

who wanted to take the power

- and essence of a crow
- (caws)

and-and we packed that
into a delicious milk drink

- that we invented, thus Fight Milk.
- Yeah.

I don't know what you guys
are talking about right now,

but I have heard of your stuff

and Cerrone and Felder,
they actually love it.

- Are you kidding me, dude?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cowboy Cerrone and Paul
Felder drink Fight Milk?

Oh, they love it. They crush it.

- They crush it.
- They're crushing...

- That's...
- Fight Milk

is supposed to be crushed.

Uh, this is for wiping yourself down.

- Yeah, yeah, thanks, bro.
- Okay, man.

- All right, yeah, my man.
- All right, thanks, bro.

Yeah, thanks, guys.

- Hey, good luck with that.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Hello?
- Hello?

- Uh, Mr. Cowboy, Mr. Felder.
- (chuckles)

- Oh, Cowboy!
- Hey!

- Oh!
- Oh!

- It's us, the Fight Milk guys.
- Hey.

Oh, man, we love your drink.

We just had some.

Yeah, man,
I'd get up and shake your hands

if I wasn't shitting my
brains out right now.

- Oh, no.
- No, no, that's fine, yeah.

(farting)

So, Fight Milk makes you sick?

Makes you expel all body fluids.

Sweat, piss,

and shit; we got
these weigh-ins coming up.

Nothing cuts weight like Fight Milk.

Oh, you're using it to cut weight, huh?

Yeah, they should
give you guys a Nobel...

(farting)

(Felder vomits)

Oh, I just puked on my dick!

Rock and roll.

All right, cool.

- Well, uh...
- Rock and roll, yeah.

- Yeah.
- We just got you some merch.

Um...

CHARLIE: Yeah, water bottle.

- (coughing, retching, farting)
- For when you feel better, and...

- Um... yeah,
- We should, uh...

well, keep drinking the-the drinks

that makes you guys throw up and...

- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, God!

♪ ♪

All right, you guys ready?
This is our opportunity

to control our message to the public.

And I think how we do that
is soften their brand.

- Whose brand?
- Boko Haram.

- What?
- Wait, stop,

Fr-Frank, you want to change...

the perception of a global
terrorist organization?

- Yeah, and I've got many facts to do it.
- No. No, no, no, no.

Put your facts away.
We're just here to apologize, bozo.

No, hold on a second, Dee, no.
We're not here

to apologize, either, okay?
You never apologize.

We're just here to take responsibility,

but for nothing specific.

All that matters is that consumers feel

- their voices are being heard.
- No.

You say you're sorry,
and then you just move on.

No, Dee, actually,
you don't say anything.

But you do have a very important job...

to say nothing and stand behind me.

You see, audiences are gonna trust me

over you because you're a woman,

and, by definition, shrill.

No. Women identify with women in power.

Oh, no, Dee.
Women hate other women in power.

- I'm threatened by 'em.
- Everyone is.

Now, objectify yourself and humanize me.

Hmm.

(theme music plays)

And here to tell their side of the story

is the team from Wolf Cola.

Guys, thanks for coming in.

Oh, well, thank you for having us, Chet.

We at Wolf Cola were
as shocked and saddened

by this news as everyone else.

Uh, this by no means reflects our ideals

as a premium soda company.

We're a family-run business,

and we really care
about people's concerns.

Listen, the point is,

we have heard you all,

and we are working tirelessly
to remedy this situation.

CHET: Well, not an easy situation,

indeed, but handled
with grace and aplomb.

Thank you, Mr. Reynolds.
And it looks like

you're already getting good feedback.

Oh, that's-that's great.
Well, uh, thank you, Chet.

And I want to say
thank you to America...

And also, we're sorry.

We accept full responsibility

for this heinous mistake,
and please know

that I am actively firing
people as we speak,

because I am the boss.

(whispers): Bitch.

That's good to know.

Yes.

Next up, a heroic tale...

FRANK: You know what, Chet,

can I say something?

I think we've said enough.

I think... you got to understand

that Boko Haram did not do 9/11.

- Yeah.
- That was... al-Qaeda.

Paris, that was done

by ISIS.

Boko Haram is just concentrating,

they're doing Africa. I mean...

- (groans)
- I mean, there's mosquitos down there

that are bigger terrorists
than Boko Haram.

- (theme music plays)
- We're gonna take a break.

And the 24-hour news cycle starts again.

Way to go, assholes.

- I made good points.
- Jesus Christ,

I am just getting eviscerated online.

People calling me a bitch,
flat-chested bitch,

pretty much everybody
wanting to rape me.

You opened that door the
second you apologized, Dee.

You don't see this?
People need an outlet

to unleash their rage. Now social media

will come down on you

with the fury of a middle-aged man

who's accomplished nothing.

- Hi-yo!
- What's up, bitches?

What's that? What do you got?

Huh? Crow traps, baby. Look.

Fight Milk is boomin'. Apparently,

people are using it to lose weight.

Yeah. Now, we're gonna lean
into that new market

- and rebrand the product.
- Mm-hmm.

I like this rebranding idea.

That's what I got to do...
I got to rebrand my product.

You guys, the problem is,
I just ooze sexuality.

Well, you ooze.

A real woman of power,

she exudes no sexuality at all.

That's true.

I think we got to focus
on not losing Boko Haram.

That's a good business.
The fastest-growing marketplace

is Muslim extremists.

Frank, we're not going into
business with terrorists.

Are you crazy?

Look, we need
to get back on TV immediately

and control the goddamn narrative.

Yeah, speaking of TV, we're
gonna be doing a little controlling

of our narrative,
so you guys mind clearing out?

Yeah, this is now our set.

All right, come on,
we got work to do, guys. Let's go.

Let's go. Don't forget your phone,

- stupid idiot.
- Yep.

(hard rock playing)

- (caws)
- (caws)

- Three, two, one! What up!
- What up!

- Are you fat?
- You probably are, 'cause you're watching TV!

Or Internet.

- ♪
♪
- (cawing)

Fight Milk! Rebrand!

(caws)

- ♪
♪
- (cawing)

Let's talk about women's bodies.

I like women.

It's easy for us men... we have four

acceptable body types.

Skinny ripped, jack ripped, dad bod,

and fat... if you're funny.

It's a landslide!

As we all know, women only have
one acceptable body type.

Skinny, big tits!

New evidence is suggesting
that all this science

inside one crow's egg

can scientifically make
your breasts larger.

Watch the enzymes
enlargify your breasts.

(whooshing)

Want to hear more about it? The sci...

- (cawing)
- Aah!

No nerds! Fight Milk!

(cawing)

Finally there's a crow-based

protein alcoholic drink for you.

BOTH: Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

(cawing)

- Well, what do you guys think?
- I don't get it.

That's 'cause you're a stupid ring girl.

- It couldn't be any simpler.
- Yeah, look,

take it easy. Basically, we're trying

to expand our product to
the world of UFC women,

and look, uh,
ring girls are the perfect combo.

- Really.
- Yeah. I mean, honestly, ladies,

you could afford to lose a few pounds,

maybe in this area...

- Well...
- or here.

Really, I mean, between the three
of you, we could be opening up

a bakery with all the
muffin tops I'm seeing.

- Yes.
- Now, Fight Milk will help you

lose those unwanted pounds

so you don't have to resort to surgery,

which could cause scarring and
make you even less attractive

- to men than you already are, okay?
- All right.

- Now, I feel like...
- No, no, look, I'm sorry,

my friend has really weird women issues.

I didn't realize he
brought a laser pointer.

But the point is,
you guys could look even better

if you drank Fight Milk.

We're not into your
weird diarrhea drink.

Right. Okay, it's not a diarrhea drink.

- It's...
- You know what, Charlie?

This isn't the dream that
I had for Fight Milk.

No! We're not the diarrhea guys.

- No!
- That's not what I want to be.

It's not for women!
It was never made for women!

But it'd be great if
women also drank it.

The dream was to create
a muscle-up energy drink

- Yeah.
- that gave you the power to fight like a crow!

- Yes!
- Men!

Or women. But yes. But definitely

- crow-power fighting skills.
- Either way,

- Absolutely.
- I think, dude, we got to get back to the lab.

I think we got to get some more crows.

(theme music plays)

From dog fighting to
finding a loving home.

(chuckles): Amazing.

Now, who wouldn't want to
adopt a little guy like this?

(chuckling): Well said, Mike.

Great story.

Now a local soda company
is back in hot water

with controversial remarks.

Returning to talk about it today
is the team from Wolf Cola.

Thank you so much for having us back,
Chet. Um,

we at Wolf Cola are not just
about making a satisfying soda.

We are about making satisfied customers.

We do acknowledge consumers' concerns.

Yes, but we are not apologizing.

(mutters)

- Right. Oh.
- Sorry.

I'm just here to humanize him.

- To support me.
- To-to support him.

Support me.

(clears his throat)

Uh, Chet, we would also like to announce

that for every can of Wolf Cola sold,

a portion of the proceeds
will be going to a charity

that supports African people.

FRANK: All Africans,

even the... our friends at Boko Haram,

because they are people, too.

- We don't discriminate.
- Okay, right.

Uh, yeah, look, Chet, if I may

address the public directly?

- By all means.
- Okay.

Um, I assure you

that we have righted this ship,

and we are taking every step necessary

to address all of your concerns.

We at Wolf Cola hope to be a part

of your family's daily
refreshment for years to come.

And we can say that
without saying I'm sorry.

CHET: Well, Mr. Reynolds,

it sounds like Wolf Cola
has the right man in charge.

- (sniffing, grunts)
- Yeah. Well, I appreciate that.

- (laughing): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa.

I thought we were done
with the dog segment.

- What the hell's this?
- Oh. Looks like we got

a lovable little guy
loose in the studio here.

Yeah. Can we get him out of here?

- Great. Thanks.
- Not a dog

- lover, Mr. Reynolds?
- Yeah.

Well, if you're asking me

if I like wild animals
slobbering all over me,

then, yeah, I guess I'm not really a...

- not really a dog lover then.
- Wow. I have

never met a person who
does not like dogs before.

- (laughing): Yeah. Yeah.
- (laughs)

There are plenty of us out there,

uh, Chet. Okay, trust me.
We're just afraid to admit it

because we feel like we're gonna
be judged by people like you.

- Well, let's take a break.
- You know what? Actually, I'm not done.

- Uh, Chet, are you a vegetarian by any chance?
- No.

Oh, so you're a hypocrite. Yeah.

See, I find that
most people that are whining

about dog fights are
actually the same people

going to football games and UFC fights,

watching human beings
beat the ever-loving shit

out of each other while eating,
uh, fried chicken.

So, wait. Are you saying you're
an animal rights activist?

No, I'm actually the opposite, pal.

I can't imagine a bigger waste
of peoples' time and energy.

I mean, Chet,
if you can eat fried chicken, then

I should be able to
eat me some fried dog.

Know what I'm saying?
I should be able to eat a bucket

of fried dog at a chicken fight.
(laughs)

Yeah. All I'm saying is,

look, let's just, you know,
let's be consistent.

(cawing)

(laughing)

MAC: How you feeling, boys?
You've been pounding

- that new formula?
- Yeah, I see you doing it.

Yeah, and we're not doing so good,
asshole,

'cause nothing's coming out of me.

My trash can's empty.

Yeah, we're scared to shit
we ain't gonna make weight.

- MAC: Oh, guys.
- Guys, just don't worry.

- Yeah, yeah, don't worry.
- No, guys, guys, guys.

Don't worry.
Okay, look, this is all a part

of our two-step process, all right?

See, right now, you're crow loading...

Yeah, you drank about, like,

four or five entire crows

'cause I'm grinding one up for
every bottle at this point.

Yes, and it is that crow
enzyme that's jacking you up,

and that's why you look
so beefy and so handsome.

And... All right, but then what's
gonna happen is, you start drinking

the Fight Milk Classic, right,

and-and that's gonna
make you really sick,

'cause that's just the crow eggs

and some of the crow's fecal matter.

So you start to puke everything out,

and then you'll be
fine for the weigh-in.

You're gonna be puking
on your dick in no time.

Yeah, yeah, that one's real nasty.
Don't worry about it.

- Yeah.
- You're gonna make weight at the weigh-in.

Yeah, all I know is,
we don't make weight,

I'm killing you both.

Yeah.

- All right.
- MAC: Uh, that's fine.

We're gonna be... We're good.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right, guys, hey, go... go kick ass.

Remember, that's the nasty one.
Drink that one.

That one's got a real...

♪ ♪

All right,

let's bring out the first fighter,
Cub Swanson.

(applause and cheering)

- We got to get him on Fight Milk, man.
- Oh, yeah, we got to get him.

We got to get him.
We got to get him drinking it.

Up next, the challenger,
Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone.

(applause and cheering,
energetic music playing)

- Come on!
- (cheering)

- Yes!
- (whooping)

This is it. If he makes weight,

this is gonna change Fight
Milk and our lives forever.

I know, but if he doesn't,
we're bolting, right?

Oh, yeah. I've already
scoped out every single exit.

- (crowd chanting)
- 155.

(applause and cheering)

Yes!

MAC: Yeah. We did it!

- We're gonna be rich!
- We did it! We're gonna be rich!

- We're gonna be rich.
- Let's go.

All right, Cowboy,
how you feeling right now?

I'm feeling good. Ready to put
on a show for all these guys.

(Mac and Charlie cawing)

What the hell is going on?
Who are these guys?

Uh, just like to take the
opportunity to thank Fight Milk.

Yes, and thank you, Cowboy,
and thank you, Megan.

We'd also like to take this opportunity

to announce that Fight Milk is now

- the official drink of the UFC.
- Official drink.

Now if you're in...

- (microphone feedback)
- No, no.

This is not the official
drink of the UFC.

And I don't know who these guys are.

- Security, get these assholes out of here!
- Fight Milk!

BOTH: Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

AUDIENCE: Fight Milk!
Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

MAN (on TV):
The nationwide hatred for Wolf Cola

continues to intensify
on an hourly basis...

Holy shit. We're getting hammered
worse than before.

Bye-bye, Frank's Fluids.

Turns out there are two things
that can't be forgiven...

raping children and disliking dogs.

CHARLIE: Well, what am I gonna
do with all the merchandise, man?

Throw it in the garbage, burn it.
Who gives a shit.

Yeah, we're done.
Fight Milk shit the bed.

- What happened?
- CHET (on TV): Breaking news

from the sports world.

Fighters at a UFC

event in Philly tested positive

for several banned substances,

stemming from an energy
drink called Fight Milk.

We pumped it full of human
growth hormone, you know.

Yeah.

I mean, just nothing else was working.

It just... it was just
giving people diarrhea.

- Mm.
- Ugh.

Starting to become known

as the official drink of the UFC,

this Fight Milk is a serious
smudge for the group,

and a potential public
relations nightmare.

- Ooh.
- Holy shit. Holy shit.

- What?
- You guys, this is good.

This is good.
We're freed, and they are screwed.

See, this is actually the one good thing

about the 24-hour news cycle.

If you give it enough time,
something new will come along

to replace peoples'
old outrage with new outrage.

Not much is known about Fight Milk,

except that it's made
right here in Philadelphia

by a parent company
known as Frank's Fluids.

Goddamn it!

(sighs)

Start the clock.

Yeah.