It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - Hero or Hate Crime? - full transcript
The gang goes to a professional arbitrator to decide who's the rightful owner of a scratch off lottery ticket.
Man: Part of him knows
the power's real.
Announcer: Legion.
All new wednesdays at 10:00.
On fx.
Fxx presents it's always sunny
in Philadelphia.
What's going on
with you, man?
Are you limping?
Uh, no, I've just
been working out
on this new
exercise bike I got,
and my glutes are,
like, so sore.
Yeah.
Charlie: Know what it is?
Oh.
Mac: Yeah, big-time,
big-time.
Howdy.
Hi.
It's... it's very
windy today, isn't it?
Yeah.
Oh, man, look at this.
Dog shit.
Did you just step
in that on purpose?
Oh, no, I just... you know,
i didn't really see it.
You pointed it out to me!
And then you stepped
directly in it.
Since when do you read?
What? Nothing.
No.
Books are stupid.
I don't. I was just...
It wasn't... like,
i didn't time it out.
I mean, why would
i do that?
I have no idea.
Why are you still
standing in it?
It was just
an accident, man.
People step in dog shit
accidentally all the time.
Is that a lottery scratcher?
Sometimes it's in,
sometimes it's out.
Are those mirrors?
No.
You creep.
Look out, faggot!
Both:
Holy shit.
God!
Are you okay?
Hey, frank,
what the hell was that?
What? I saved your life.
But you called me
the "f" word.
So what? I'm a hero.
You used a slur, dude.
That's like a hate crime.
Dennis: Yeah, that's
hateful speech, man.
Dee: You really can't...
Yeah, but he saved his life.
Yeah, but you can't
say that word anymore.
So, which is it?
Mac:
You are entitled to nothing!
Listen, motion to present
articles of confederation.
Motion denied.
Oh...
Shut up, bitch.
You don't
deserve anything.
Excuse me. Hey. Can I help you?
Okay, look, well, usually,
we're a pretty reasonable crew.
Yeah, right? I mean...
Yeah.
...we have our differences,
but we settle them in house.
Sure.
We have a good process.
There's filibusters,
the whole thing.
No.
This one's a doozy.
Yeah, this one we can't
do in-house.
We can't...
We can't...
That's why I wanted
to bring in a third party.
Someone to hear us out and
deliver a final verdict.
That's you, guy.
Yeah, that's... you.
Charlie:
That's you.
Because a great injustice
has occurred, okay?
Frank committed
a hate crime.
I saved your life.
But you used a slur!
It was a slur.
That's...
You'd be dead
if I didn't!
Okay, okay,
i think I'm getting it.
You want me to figure out
whether or not
a hate crime's been committed?
What?
No.
Frank:
No, no, no, no.
Way off. Way off.
No, no,
no, no, no.
Dee: Oh, no, but, no,
it's not about that at all.
Yeah, it's about this.
A two-dollar scratcher
lottery ticket.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Y-you've hired an
arbitration attorney
to figure out which
of you is entitled
to a two-dollar
scratcher?
Now you're getting it.
Me.
He's getting it.
Now he gets it.
Dennis: The thing is, each one
of us feels that we're entitled
to that ticket,
and we need you
to tell us who
it belongs to.
Yeah.
Why don't you scratch it
and see if it's worthless,
and then you wouldn't have
to go through all of this?
Okay, so he's
not getting it.
What?!
Is he serious?
Do you not want a job?
Hold on. Is it Phil?
Is your name Phil?
Yeah, Phil, yeah.
It is Phil?
It's Phil.
This ticket
represents hope, okay?
Potential... yeah?
Promise.
The very foundation upon
which this group rests, eh?
Charlie: Yes.
Mac: And that hope
belongs to me.
It belongs to me,
you son of a bitch!
Please, stop.
Each of you will have an
opportunity to plead your case.
The only rule I have is that
you each treat each other
with respect
and common courtesy.
Do we all agree
to those terms?
Well, we would like
to thank you so much
for taking our case
so last-minute.
The other guy was not our style.
Well, I'm very happy to do so.
I do have a few questions.
Fire away.
Dee: Yup.
Dennis: Of course, yeah.
Now, the ticket in question,
uh, who purchased it?
Me! Thank you.
Well...
That was me,
and that's why
this whole thing is
so cut and dry.
Frank: It's...
Hold on.
I purchased the ticket,
and therefore
the ticket belongs to me.
I actually bought the ticket
a couple of weeks ago.
But I didn't realize it was
gonna be so goddamn blustery
that afternoon.
And as I was putting my book
into my purse,
the ticket flew out
and landed on the ground.
So, you purchased the ticket
two weeks ago.
I did.
And why hadn't you
scratched the ticket yet?
Oh... well,
that's because
nobody ever wins
those tickets, right?
But as long as you
don't scratch it,
then you're not a loser.
You know, in fact,
you're a winner.
Potentially.
Dennis:
God, Dee...
That is so sad!
It's so pathetic.
What are...
It is pathetic.
So sad.
What are you talking--
you just said
this exact same thing,
like, ten minutes ago,
talking about
how the ticket
represented hope and
all that bullshit.
Somehow coming from you,
it just came off so sad.
Well, hold on a second.
Motion for sub-arbitration
to determine whether
or not that's sad.
Motion accepted.
All in favor?
Others:
Aye.
Motion passed.
It's sad, Dee.
I'd also like to point out
that while Dee's version
is the truth,
it's not the whole truth.
Why don't we talk about
the contents of Dee's purse?
The scratcher ticket,
the candy sour worms,
the pack of cigarettes.
Now, what I want to know is...
How can a woman who makes
less than minimum wage
afford such impulse buys?
So, you're
smoking now, Dee?
Frank:
Is this about your weight?
Because if it is,
you're already too bony.
No, I don't think so.
I mean, I think you're
getting pretty tubby
in the midsection area.
What?
Like a bird.
No, no, that's fine.
Her hands are becoming a
major problem for me though.
I have Parkinson's disease.
What?
Well, at least
i have a 46% chance
of getting Parkinson's disease,
according to a DNA test I took.
The medical journal
was because I'm trying to learn
as much as I can
about this, you know?
And, you guys,
according to that,
smoking can reduce
your risk of...
Oh, my god,
who gives a shit?!
What?
Dee, this isn't
about whether or not
you have some horrific
neurological disease
or whether or not your
hands are the right size.
They are, by the way,
but your elbows are a mess.
They're too sharp.
I don't like it.
They're stabbing me.
That's what it is.
You got it.
That's not the point,
that's not the point.
The point is: How can you
actually afford to smoke?
You see, Dee and i
had a deal.
I give her money
for coffee
every morning on
the way to work.
And she's instructed to give
a very generous tip
to the cashier, Cassie.
"This is from my boss, Dennis."
Now, this establishes
both generosity and authority.
Possibly a little dominance.
It's all a very
choreographed dance
between two soon-to-be lovers.
Ah...
Cassie's underage.
Dennis:
No, no, no, what-what?
What are you
talking about?
Cassie is not underage.
Cassie is 21 years old.
So, the champagne
I was purchasing
was to celebrate
her legal drinking status.
And to honor her full maturity.
You see, I was waiting
for Cassie to mature.
You know,
much like an ira.
Y-you put the money in,
then you wait.
And then you make
a hefty withdrawal.
Dennis:
Okay, yeah, sure.
Before full maturity,
yeah, ew.
Yeah, but weren't
you just saying
that you were doing deposits
before maturity?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
See, that's where you're wrong.
No, I was, uh,
between the ages of 18 and 21,
simply making investments.
But not for
early deposits?
Well, deposits are
part of the withdrawal.
Sometimes I can't make
a deposit at all.
Dennis:
Ugh, come on, man.
Just...
Okay, just to be clear:
A deposit's
a load, right?
Yeah.
Well, yeah, yeah.
That's not what
I'm talking about.
No, it's a totally different...
Are you sure?
Dennis: No, with my... no.
Look, not in this particular
case, it's not a lo...
It's-it's...
Yeah, it's a load.
Yeah. I mean, yeah.
But that's not the point!
That's not the point!
The point is:
Dee has no rightful claim
to that ticket,
and I'll prove it.
You see, yesterday,
after noticing
the contents of her purse,
I decided to follow her
this morning.
Cassie never gets her tip,
does she, Dee?
No. Because I refuse
to tip for coffee.
I think it's dumb.
Dennis: Uh-huh.
So if you were buying
circus peanuts
and candy sour worms
and cigarettes,
I think we all know
what that means
about the ticket in
question, don't we?
I don't. Do you know?
No.
Totally lost.
That means she bought it
with my money!
So, technically,
that ticket is mine!
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, let me sum up
the facts thus far.
Miss Reynolds
bought the ticket
with Mr. Reynolds' money.
But Mr. MacDonald
currently possesses it.
Correct. But I deserve it,
and here's why.
There we were, right?
We were just walking
down the street,
minding our own business.
I'd just spotted
the perfect pile of dog shit,
and naturally
I stepped in it.
What?
Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, I'm a little confused.
Why would you voluntarily
step into the dog feces?
Well, I didn't, really...
You just said you did.
Dee: You said naturally
you did...
And we all
watched you do it.
Charlie:
All right, fine.
I voluntarily
stepped in the dog shit
so that I would smell
of dog shit. Happy?
Less happy.
Why would it
make me happy?
I was trying
to cover up the smell
of the skunk
that I let spray me
so that there would be
no questions.
Well, now I have
more questions.
Of course you do.
Like: Why did you let
a skunk spray you?
To cover the smell
of Cologne, man.
Dennis: Oh, man. You know what?
Go to the beginning.
Go to the first smell!
The first smell that begat
all the other smells!
The first smell was cigarettes!
I've been smoking with Dee!
All right?
Fine, I said it.
Oh. Oh, okay.
So, right.
So you thought we would care
about the smell of cigarettes,
but not the smell of
skunk or dog shit.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Well, it doesn't matter
anyway, all right,
because I deserve the ticket.
Because if the shit shoe's
a matcher,
Charlie gets the scratcher!
Oh... shit.
What the shit?
Mac: Come on.
That shirt reeks!
Is that what
that smell was?
Yeah.
I thought it was just him.
It does smell;
It smells very bad.
But give me a cigarette;
I'll cover it up.
But, look, if it smells
like shit, you must acquit.
You know what? If everyone's
gonna be smoking on my dime...
Look, nobody is debating
whether or not
the shoe print is yours.
We all know that it is,
because everybody
saw you kick me.
We're debating whether or not
you actually saved my life.
Which you did not, because
i was just about to do
a sweet backflip
to safety when you...
Oh, bullshit.
He's never once flipped!
Here we go.
I do flips all the time.
Charlie:
You have never once flipped.
Mac: In the pool?
Which you would not have done
had I not warned you,
thereby saving your life!
That is my ticket.
Oh...
Ridiculous.
"Backflip."
Frank: There I was,
minding my own business,
bird watching.
Beautiful day,
isn't it?
It's really
gorgeous and...
Are those mirrors?
No.
You creep.
He wasn't really
bird watching,
he was looking
up women's skirts.
He peeps on women.
That's his move.
He's disgusting.
Frank:
Like I said, bird watching.
Not you.
Now, the point is
that I said,
"look out, faggot,"
which were the words
that saved Mac's life.
Thereby, I am entitled to
at least half that ticket.
Well, why did you use the slur
instead of just yelling
your friend's name?
Well, there was
a lot going on.
I needed something
that would cut through.
Well, as soon as
i said the slur,
everybody knew
to look at Mac.
Frank:
Look out, faggot!
Mac knew to look.
Dennis and Dee knew to look.
Charlie, who kicked him
in the chest,
knew to look.
Hell, even the little kid
with the balloon
knew where to look.
Okay, it may have
been effective,
but it was an
offensive slur.
And a bigot should not be
entitled to a hero's payout.
You're allowed to use
any language you want
to save somebody's life.
Really?
Any language?
Frank: Yes.
You gonna let a man
die over a word?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, come on.
It's just a word.
"Just a word."
Oh. Okay.
Well, frank,
tell me something:
If you were going to save
somebody else's life,
you know, from a falling piano,
and you needed a word to just...
To just cut
right through...
Frank: Mm-hmm.
...what word would you use
to call out to the arbiter?
Uh...
I suppose...
Yeah, you know what?
We're, uh, we're treading
on some dangerous
territory here, buddy.
Yeah.
"Nigger"?
Dennis:
Oh! Whoa, whoa!
Charlie: What, what?
Charlie, you can't
use that word.
I'm trying to guess
the word that he was saying
that he thought
frank was gonna say.
No, you don't say that ever.
I was not using the word.
Dee:
Don't ever... that's not...
You can't use that word, buddy.
And yet, we've just
sort of been
casually throwing
the f-word around
Willy-nilly for
the past few days,
and that hasn't
been a problem?
Well, yeah, Mac, because the...
There's a very dark history
associated with... the n-word.
Yeah.
Did you know that a faggot
is a burning bundle of sticks
on top of which they used
to burn homosexuals?
So, basically, when you
call someone a "faggot,"
you are saying that they
should be burned at the stake.
Is that right?
That's, uh...
Yes.
That's pretty dark,
yeah, that's dark.
That's pretty dark.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah.
Well, maybe there are
a few words
that we shouldn't be
throwing around.
Yep.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about "cunt"?
Oh!
We can't lose that!
Yeah, it's a good word.
What?
That's tough.
It's a great word.
And it's just not offensive.
Charlie:
Especially, uh, directed towards
a woman when you're
trying to insult her.
When you're trying to make
a woman feel small.
That's extremely offensive!
Come on, you could
yell "penis" at me,
and I'd be fine with it.
Well, all right, fine.
Well, then, we're gonna take
away your favorite word.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What, "cocksucker"?
Yeah.
Yeah.
What's wrong with that?
You can't say "cocksucker"
if we can't say "cunt."
I find it offensive
that the idea
of sucking cocks
is offensive.
Exactly. There's nothing
offensive about sucking cock.
Half the population
loves to suck cock.
The other half
of the population,
they love getting
their cock sucked.
It's kind of a win-win.
We're getting off
the point, okay?
In terms of the ticket,
I'm calling bullshit on frank,
because, for some reason,
he thinks that I'm gay,
and that is why he
called me the f-word,
which makes him a bigot.
Oh, wait.
Uh, catch me up here.
Now, you're not gay?
Obviously not.
Faith:
Okay. Interesting.
So, Mr. Reynolds, um, simply,
was just trying
to disrespect you.
He wasn't trying
to make a comment
about your sexual orientation?
No, well, see, here's where
things get just a little bit
tricky, because frank thinks
Mac is gay because...
Mac is gay.
Charlie: Yeah.
What?! What-what are
you talking about?
Enough with this.
This is boring.
I mean, he's into
the closet,
he's out of the closet.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah.
We don't like you
either way.
Oh, look, now, i
care about my body.
So now they become, like,
obsessed with me being gay.
Dee: Obsessed?
We don't care!
We're the ones who don't care.
Okay. All right,
hold on.
Dee, let me just...
Let me put this to bed.
Okay, Mac, we're
in support of it.
So, just come on
out of the closet
and be done with it.
You'll feel better.
You'll feel better.
Frank: Come on.
I honestly have no idea
what you're talking about.
Mac, Mac...
We found the bike.
Yeah, so?
The bike in
the basement?
What about it?
Oh, Mac.
Mac,
don't make me go get the bike.
Oh.
I've got
nothing to hide.
Just, uh, go
get the bike.
I'm-a go get the bike.
I would like to present
into evidence, uh...
Mac's bike.
What? It's an awesome
workout bike.
What's the big deal?
Okay.
Mac, why don't you go ahead
and operate the bike.
Mac:
Yeah.
Sure.
No problem. Just-just like
any other workout bike.
Well...
You pedal...
Uh, there you go.
Dennis:
Outrageous.
Yeah, there it is.
I mean, it's just
the craziest...
All right, all right,
all right.
Okay, I...
I know what
you're thinking, okay?
But it is not
what it looks like.
Dee:
Yeah, what it looks like
is that you are fucking yourself
with a dildo bike.
I mean, you got
the bike shorts
with the slits in
them, in the...
Oh, the-the ones in the back?
That's for air flow.
This is grotesque.
Mac: No, you're
not understanding.
I modded out
a regular workout bike,
to create the optimal workout.
And added a penis.
Yeah.
Oh... I see.
I see where you guys
are getting off the rails.
That's not a penis.
All:
Oh.
It's a fist.
Uh...
I call it
the ass pounder 4000.
And it works like this.
Uh, no...
Imagine you're riding
up a steep hill,
and you've already been working
super hard,
and you're sweating
and you're tired.
What do you do when
you're tired? You want to rest.
You go to sit down,
it pushes you right back up
in your workout.
The ass pounder 4000
will never let you rest.
Yeah, see?
Dennis:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it.
Mac: That's the way it works.
We got it.
Now, I even have
an amazing tagline.
"The ass pounder:
Never stop pumping."
Well, um...
Think we've
seen enough.
I've certainly
learned something.
This... this has nothing
to do with being gay.
This is just the work
of a man who's
an extreme
sexual deviant.
Gay or not.
Can I have one of those?
Mac: Yeah, whatever,
yeah, whatever, dude.
Oh, whatever.
You know, you guys are just
jealous because I've got
a million-dollar idea
and I've got the ticket.
You don't have
the ticket yet, bitch!
I bought the ticket.
What are you talking
about?! Are you crazy?!
Quiet! Quiet!
Quiet!
Now, I've heard from
everybody involved,
and I will make my decision.
But let me make
one thing clear.
In order for this
to be entirely just,
I will make my decision based
on fairness and compromise.
You understand?
Okay, I think I'm all caught up.
All right,
so what's the verdict?
Yeah, what do you got?
I think it's actually
pretty straightforward.
Mr. MacDonald is in possession
of the ticket,
so he has ownership.
However, he
would not be
in possession if his life
were not saved by Mr. Reynolds,
who set off the chain
of events saving him.
So I see it as a 50/50 split.
Are you kidding me?
I'm a hero!
Oh! You bitch!
50/50 split?
...out of the way!
Dennis: Nothing for the man
who paid for the ticket?
I bought it!
And this bigot here is
gonna get a hero's payout?
He may be a bigot and
he did use disgusting speech,
but it's not technically
hate speech since Mr. MacDonald
does not claim to be gay.
Oh.
Oh, does that mean if I claim
to be gay, I get all of it?
Well, um, y-yes.
You would be entitled
to keep all of it.
I claim to be gay!
No!
No, no, no, no.
Now you're gay?
There's a history
behind it.
I've been gay
forever.
Everybody knows it. Even
the balloon kid knew it.
Soon as he gets that ticket,
he's going back in the closet.
Yeah. This isn't fair.
Mark my words.
If he's gonna do it,
he's got to stay out,
which he won't,
i guarantee you.
Fine. Whatever.
Yeah. I'm out!
Totally out. I'm gonna...
Hey, uh, excuse me, would
you please do the honors
on my ticket, please?
It's probably worthless.
Margie: Okay. Sure.
Let's, uh...
Let's see what we have here.
Okay.
Wow.
What?
What is it?
Well, you're a winner.
What? How much?
$10,000.
Charlie: What?!
No! No!
Oh, my god!
Gay Mac rules!
Bullshit!
Gay-gay, rich Mac!
All right, if you will just sign
this, releasing the ticket
and agreeing to my ruling.
Don't mind if I do.
I wonder what I'm gonna do
with all this money.
Maybe start an llc.
Ass pounder 4000?
It's all going right
into the product.
Yeah, yeah, sign the paper so
you can go back in the closet.
Dee: Yeah.
Frank: Go ahead.
You go back in.
Go ahead.
Huh?
Well, you signed the thing.
You got your money.
Just go back in the closet.
Just get it over with.
Charlie:
We know you're gonna do it,
so you might as well just do it.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know. Maybe I'll...
Maybe I'll stay out.
Really?
Yeah.
It doesn't matter.
You can just go back in.
You signed the paper.
Y-yeah.
I mean,
you got your money.
No, I think I'm out now.
Yeah. I'm... I'm gay.
Actually feels
pretty good.
See ya, guys.
Wow.
Finally.
Eh, good for him, right?
Yeah, good for him. I'm...
Absolutely.
Guess I'm happy for him.
Yeah, it's a
relief, honestly.
All right, if, uh,
you'll just take care of this,
then, uh, we'll be all done.
What's this?
That would be a bill.
Ooh.
Oh, money stuff.
Uh...
That goes to frank.
I know it's steep,
but you did go through
three arbiters,
and you've been here 17 hours.
Yeah. I'm exhausted.
Yikes, yikes.
What's-what's it add
up to there, frank?
$9,986.
Yikes.
Holy cow, you guys
aren't cheap.
You guys aren't cheap.
The arbitration
was Mac's idea.
Let's let him pay for it.
That's a great idea.
That's fair.
In fairness' sake.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's got the money for it.
He's got the
money now. Yeah.
But maybe let's make him
pay it tomorrow, you know?
L-let's let him have this.
Yeah. Yeah.
Poor guy did just come out
over a $14 scratcher.
- That's all that's left?
- Yeah.
Oh, no.
That sucks.
Charlie: Oh, no.
Tell you what, man,
i am happy for him,
but I do still hate him.
Oh, yeah.
It's not a gay or
straight thing, is it?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's a Mac thing.
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
look, as we all know,
everything is about
emotion with women.
Right, Dee?
What?
Oh, my god! Whoa!
Whoa.
All right, Dee.
Relax.
We're trying to have
a rational conversation.
Sunny. All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on fxx.
I am a very dangerous man
to know.
Announcer: Taboo.
All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx.
Announcer: Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
Only on fxx.
Careful, honey.
Oh.
Mmm.
What's this?
It's still good.
Announcer: Baskets.
All new Thursdays at 10:00.
On fx.
Man: So, is he crazy?
Man #2:
I think he believes
he's mentally ill.
But at the same time,
part of him knows...
The power's real.
Announcer: Legion.
All new wednesdays at 10:00
on fx.
Take an hour
of his time.
Wow. Look at
Stan's yard.
Someone's been busy.
Clearly not in ours.
Maybe Henry can do
some work today.
Yeah.
I forget your back
is always bad
this time of year.
Only when there
are leaves--
when did you
wash this last?
the power's real.
Announcer: Legion.
All new wednesdays at 10:00.
On fx.
Fxx presents it's always sunny
in Philadelphia.
What's going on
with you, man?
Are you limping?
Uh, no, I've just
been working out
on this new
exercise bike I got,
and my glutes are,
like, so sore.
Yeah.
Charlie: Know what it is?
Oh.
Mac: Yeah, big-time,
big-time.
Howdy.
Hi.
It's... it's very
windy today, isn't it?
Yeah.
Oh, man, look at this.
Dog shit.
Did you just step
in that on purpose?
Oh, no, I just... you know,
i didn't really see it.
You pointed it out to me!
And then you stepped
directly in it.
Since when do you read?
What? Nothing.
No.
Books are stupid.
I don't. I was just...
It wasn't... like,
i didn't time it out.
I mean, why would
i do that?
I have no idea.
Why are you still
standing in it?
It was just
an accident, man.
People step in dog shit
accidentally all the time.
Is that a lottery scratcher?
Sometimes it's in,
sometimes it's out.
Are those mirrors?
No.
You creep.
Look out, faggot!
Both:
Holy shit.
God!
Are you okay?
Hey, frank,
what the hell was that?
What? I saved your life.
But you called me
the "f" word.
So what? I'm a hero.
You used a slur, dude.
That's like a hate crime.
Dennis: Yeah, that's
hateful speech, man.
Dee: You really can't...
Yeah, but he saved his life.
Yeah, but you can't
say that word anymore.
So, which is it?
Mac:
You are entitled to nothing!
Listen, motion to present
articles of confederation.
Motion denied.
Oh...
Shut up, bitch.
You don't
deserve anything.
Excuse me. Hey. Can I help you?
Okay, look, well, usually,
we're a pretty reasonable crew.
Yeah, right? I mean...
Yeah.
...we have our differences,
but we settle them in house.
Sure.
We have a good process.
There's filibusters,
the whole thing.
No.
This one's a doozy.
Yeah, this one we can't
do in-house.
We can't...
We can't...
That's why I wanted
to bring in a third party.
Someone to hear us out and
deliver a final verdict.
That's you, guy.
Yeah, that's... you.
Charlie:
That's you.
Because a great injustice
has occurred, okay?
Frank committed
a hate crime.
I saved your life.
But you used a slur!
It was a slur.
That's...
You'd be dead
if I didn't!
Okay, okay,
i think I'm getting it.
You want me to figure out
whether or not
a hate crime's been committed?
What?
No.
Frank:
No, no, no, no.
Way off. Way off.
No, no,
no, no, no.
Dee: Oh, no, but, no,
it's not about that at all.
Yeah, it's about this.
A two-dollar scratcher
lottery ticket.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Y-you've hired an
arbitration attorney
to figure out which
of you is entitled
to a two-dollar
scratcher?
Now you're getting it.
Me.
He's getting it.
Now he gets it.
Dennis: The thing is, each one
of us feels that we're entitled
to that ticket,
and we need you
to tell us who
it belongs to.
Yeah.
Why don't you scratch it
and see if it's worthless,
and then you wouldn't have
to go through all of this?
Okay, so he's
not getting it.
What?!
Is he serious?
Do you not want a job?
Hold on. Is it Phil?
Is your name Phil?
Yeah, Phil, yeah.
It is Phil?
It's Phil.
This ticket
represents hope, okay?
Potential... yeah?
Promise.
The very foundation upon
which this group rests, eh?
Charlie: Yes.
Mac: And that hope
belongs to me.
It belongs to me,
you son of a bitch!
Please, stop.
Each of you will have an
opportunity to plead your case.
The only rule I have is that
you each treat each other
with respect
and common courtesy.
Do we all agree
to those terms?
Well, we would like
to thank you so much
for taking our case
so last-minute.
The other guy was not our style.
Well, I'm very happy to do so.
I do have a few questions.
Fire away.
Dee: Yup.
Dennis: Of course, yeah.
Now, the ticket in question,
uh, who purchased it?
Me! Thank you.
Well...
That was me,
and that's why
this whole thing is
so cut and dry.
Frank: It's...
Hold on.
I purchased the ticket,
and therefore
the ticket belongs to me.
I actually bought the ticket
a couple of weeks ago.
But I didn't realize it was
gonna be so goddamn blustery
that afternoon.
And as I was putting my book
into my purse,
the ticket flew out
and landed on the ground.
So, you purchased the ticket
two weeks ago.
I did.
And why hadn't you
scratched the ticket yet?
Oh... well,
that's because
nobody ever wins
those tickets, right?
But as long as you
don't scratch it,
then you're not a loser.
You know, in fact,
you're a winner.
Potentially.
Dennis:
God, Dee...
That is so sad!
It's so pathetic.
What are...
It is pathetic.
So sad.
What are you talking--
you just said
this exact same thing,
like, ten minutes ago,
talking about
how the ticket
represented hope and
all that bullshit.
Somehow coming from you,
it just came off so sad.
Well, hold on a second.
Motion for sub-arbitration
to determine whether
or not that's sad.
Motion accepted.
All in favor?
Others:
Aye.
Motion passed.
It's sad, Dee.
I'd also like to point out
that while Dee's version
is the truth,
it's not the whole truth.
Why don't we talk about
the contents of Dee's purse?
The scratcher ticket,
the candy sour worms,
the pack of cigarettes.
Now, what I want to know is...
How can a woman who makes
less than minimum wage
afford such impulse buys?
So, you're
smoking now, Dee?
Frank:
Is this about your weight?
Because if it is,
you're already too bony.
No, I don't think so.
I mean, I think you're
getting pretty tubby
in the midsection area.
What?
Like a bird.
No, no, that's fine.
Her hands are becoming a
major problem for me though.
I have Parkinson's disease.
What?
Well, at least
i have a 46% chance
of getting Parkinson's disease,
according to a DNA test I took.
The medical journal
was because I'm trying to learn
as much as I can
about this, you know?
And, you guys,
according to that,
smoking can reduce
your risk of...
Oh, my god,
who gives a shit?!
What?
Dee, this isn't
about whether or not
you have some horrific
neurological disease
or whether or not your
hands are the right size.
They are, by the way,
but your elbows are a mess.
They're too sharp.
I don't like it.
They're stabbing me.
That's what it is.
You got it.
That's not the point,
that's not the point.
The point is: How can you
actually afford to smoke?
You see, Dee and i
had a deal.
I give her money
for coffee
every morning on
the way to work.
And she's instructed to give
a very generous tip
to the cashier, Cassie.
"This is from my boss, Dennis."
Now, this establishes
both generosity and authority.
Possibly a little dominance.
It's all a very
choreographed dance
between two soon-to-be lovers.
Ah...
Cassie's underage.
Dennis:
No, no, no, what-what?
What are you
talking about?
Cassie is not underage.
Cassie is 21 years old.
So, the champagne
I was purchasing
was to celebrate
her legal drinking status.
And to honor her full maturity.
You see, I was waiting
for Cassie to mature.
You know,
much like an ira.
Y-you put the money in,
then you wait.
And then you make
a hefty withdrawal.
Dennis:
Okay, yeah, sure.
Before full maturity,
yeah, ew.
Yeah, but weren't
you just saying
that you were doing deposits
before maturity?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
See, that's where you're wrong.
No, I was, uh,
between the ages of 18 and 21,
simply making investments.
But not for
early deposits?
Well, deposits are
part of the withdrawal.
Sometimes I can't make
a deposit at all.
Dennis:
Ugh, come on, man.
Just...
Okay, just to be clear:
A deposit's
a load, right?
Yeah.
Well, yeah, yeah.
That's not what
I'm talking about.
No, it's a totally different...
Are you sure?
Dennis: No, with my... no.
Look, not in this particular
case, it's not a lo...
It's-it's...
Yeah, it's a load.
Yeah. I mean, yeah.
But that's not the point!
That's not the point!
The point is:
Dee has no rightful claim
to that ticket,
and I'll prove it.
You see, yesterday,
after noticing
the contents of her purse,
I decided to follow her
this morning.
Cassie never gets her tip,
does she, Dee?
No. Because I refuse
to tip for coffee.
I think it's dumb.
Dennis: Uh-huh.
So if you were buying
circus peanuts
and candy sour worms
and cigarettes,
I think we all know
what that means
about the ticket in
question, don't we?
I don't. Do you know?
No.
Totally lost.
That means she bought it
with my money!
So, technically,
that ticket is mine!
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, let me sum up
the facts thus far.
Miss Reynolds
bought the ticket
with Mr. Reynolds' money.
But Mr. MacDonald
currently possesses it.
Correct. But I deserve it,
and here's why.
There we were, right?
We were just walking
down the street,
minding our own business.
I'd just spotted
the perfect pile of dog shit,
and naturally
I stepped in it.
What?
Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, I'm a little confused.
Why would you voluntarily
step into the dog feces?
Well, I didn't, really...
You just said you did.
Dee: You said naturally
you did...
And we all
watched you do it.
Charlie:
All right, fine.
I voluntarily
stepped in the dog shit
so that I would smell
of dog shit. Happy?
Less happy.
Why would it
make me happy?
I was trying
to cover up the smell
of the skunk
that I let spray me
so that there would be
no questions.
Well, now I have
more questions.
Of course you do.
Like: Why did you let
a skunk spray you?
To cover the smell
of Cologne, man.
Dennis: Oh, man. You know what?
Go to the beginning.
Go to the first smell!
The first smell that begat
all the other smells!
The first smell was cigarettes!
I've been smoking with Dee!
All right?
Fine, I said it.
Oh. Oh, okay.
So, right.
So you thought we would care
about the smell of cigarettes,
but not the smell of
skunk or dog shit.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Well, it doesn't matter
anyway, all right,
because I deserve the ticket.
Because if the shit shoe's
a matcher,
Charlie gets the scratcher!
Oh... shit.
What the shit?
Mac: Come on.
That shirt reeks!
Is that what
that smell was?
Yeah.
I thought it was just him.
It does smell;
It smells very bad.
But give me a cigarette;
I'll cover it up.
But, look, if it smells
like shit, you must acquit.
You know what? If everyone's
gonna be smoking on my dime...
Look, nobody is debating
whether or not
the shoe print is yours.
We all know that it is,
because everybody
saw you kick me.
We're debating whether or not
you actually saved my life.
Which you did not, because
i was just about to do
a sweet backflip
to safety when you...
Oh, bullshit.
He's never once flipped!
Here we go.
I do flips all the time.
Charlie:
You have never once flipped.
Mac: In the pool?
Which you would not have done
had I not warned you,
thereby saving your life!
That is my ticket.
Oh...
Ridiculous.
"Backflip."
Frank: There I was,
minding my own business,
bird watching.
Beautiful day,
isn't it?
It's really
gorgeous and...
Are those mirrors?
No.
You creep.
He wasn't really
bird watching,
he was looking
up women's skirts.
He peeps on women.
That's his move.
He's disgusting.
Frank:
Like I said, bird watching.
Not you.
Now, the point is
that I said,
"look out, faggot,"
which were the words
that saved Mac's life.
Thereby, I am entitled to
at least half that ticket.
Well, why did you use the slur
instead of just yelling
your friend's name?
Well, there was
a lot going on.
I needed something
that would cut through.
Well, as soon as
i said the slur,
everybody knew
to look at Mac.
Frank:
Look out, faggot!
Mac knew to look.
Dennis and Dee knew to look.
Charlie, who kicked him
in the chest,
knew to look.
Hell, even the little kid
with the balloon
knew where to look.
Okay, it may have
been effective,
but it was an
offensive slur.
And a bigot should not be
entitled to a hero's payout.
You're allowed to use
any language you want
to save somebody's life.
Really?
Any language?
Frank: Yes.
You gonna let a man
die over a word?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, come on.
It's just a word.
"Just a word."
Oh. Okay.
Well, frank,
tell me something:
If you were going to save
somebody else's life,
you know, from a falling piano,
and you needed a word to just...
To just cut
right through...
Frank: Mm-hmm.
...what word would you use
to call out to the arbiter?
Uh...
I suppose...
Yeah, you know what?
We're, uh, we're treading
on some dangerous
territory here, buddy.
Yeah.
"Nigger"?
Dennis:
Oh! Whoa, whoa!
Charlie: What, what?
Charlie, you can't
use that word.
I'm trying to guess
the word that he was saying
that he thought
frank was gonna say.
No, you don't say that ever.
I was not using the word.
Dee:
Don't ever... that's not...
You can't use that word, buddy.
And yet, we've just
sort of been
casually throwing
the f-word around
Willy-nilly for
the past few days,
and that hasn't
been a problem?
Well, yeah, Mac, because the...
There's a very dark history
associated with... the n-word.
Yeah.
Did you know that a faggot
is a burning bundle of sticks
on top of which they used
to burn homosexuals?
So, basically, when you
call someone a "faggot,"
you are saying that they
should be burned at the stake.
Is that right?
That's, uh...
Yes.
That's pretty dark,
yeah, that's dark.
That's pretty dark.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah.
Well, maybe there are
a few words
that we shouldn't be
throwing around.
Yep.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about "cunt"?
Oh!
We can't lose that!
Yeah, it's a good word.
What?
That's tough.
It's a great word.
And it's just not offensive.
Charlie:
Especially, uh, directed towards
a woman when you're
trying to insult her.
When you're trying to make
a woman feel small.
That's extremely offensive!
Come on, you could
yell "penis" at me,
and I'd be fine with it.
Well, all right, fine.
Well, then, we're gonna take
away your favorite word.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What, "cocksucker"?
Yeah.
Yeah.
What's wrong with that?
You can't say "cocksucker"
if we can't say "cunt."
I find it offensive
that the idea
of sucking cocks
is offensive.
Exactly. There's nothing
offensive about sucking cock.
Half the population
loves to suck cock.
The other half
of the population,
they love getting
their cock sucked.
It's kind of a win-win.
We're getting off
the point, okay?
In terms of the ticket,
I'm calling bullshit on frank,
because, for some reason,
he thinks that I'm gay,
and that is why he
called me the f-word,
which makes him a bigot.
Oh, wait.
Uh, catch me up here.
Now, you're not gay?
Obviously not.
Faith:
Okay. Interesting.
So, Mr. Reynolds, um, simply,
was just trying
to disrespect you.
He wasn't trying
to make a comment
about your sexual orientation?
No, well, see, here's where
things get just a little bit
tricky, because frank thinks
Mac is gay because...
Mac is gay.
Charlie: Yeah.
What?! What-what are
you talking about?
Enough with this.
This is boring.
I mean, he's into
the closet,
he's out of the closet.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah.
We don't like you
either way.
Oh, look, now, i
care about my body.
So now they become, like,
obsessed with me being gay.
Dee: Obsessed?
We don't care!
We're the ones who don't care.
Okay. All right,
hold on.
Dee, let me just...
Let me put this to bed.
Okay, Mac, we're
in support of it.
So, just come on
out of the closet
and be done with it.
You'll feel better.
You'll feel better.
Frank: Come on.
I honestly have no idea
what you're talking about.
Mac, Mac...
We found the bike.
Yeah, so?
The bike in
the basement?
What about it?
Oh, Mac.
Mac,
don't make me go get the bike.
Oh.
I've got
nothing to hide.
Just, uh, go
get the bike.
I'm-a go get the bike.
I would like to present
into evidence, uh...
Mac's bike.
What? It's an awesome
workout bike.
What's the big deal?
Okay.
Mac, why don't you go ahead
and operate the bike.
Mac:
Yeah.
Sure.
No problem. Just-just like
any other workout bike.
Well...
You pedal...
Uh, there you go.
Dennis:
Outrageous.
Yeah, there it is.
I mean, it's just
the craziest...
All right, all right,
all right.
Okay, I...
I know what
you're thinking, okay?
But it is not
what it looks like.
Dee:
Yeah, what it looks like
is that you are fucking yourself
with a dildo bike.
I mean, you got
the bike shorts
with the slits in
them, in the...
Oh, the-the ones in the back?
That's for air flow.
This is grotesque.
Mac: No, you're
not understanding.
I modded out
a regular workout bike,
to create the optimal workout.
And added a penis.
Yeah.
Oh... I see.
I see where you guys
are getting off the rails.
That's not a penis.
All:
Oh.
It's a fist.
Uh...
I call it
the ass pounder 4000.
And it works like this.
Uh, no...
Imagine you're riding
up a steep hill,
and you've already been working
super hard,
and you're sweating
and you're tired.
What do you do when
you're tired? You want to rest.
You go to sit down,
it pushes you right back up
in your workout.
The ass pounder 4000
will never let you rest.
Yeah, see?
Dennis:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it.
Mac: That's the way it works.
We got it.
Now, I even have
an amazing tagline.
"The ass pounder:
Never stop pumping."
Well, um...
Think we've
seen enough.
I've certainly
learned something.
This... this has nothing
to do with being gay.
This is just the work
of a man who's
an extreme
sexual deviant.
Gay or not.
Can I have one of those?
Mac: Yeah, whatever,
yeah, whatever, dude.
Oh, whatever.
You know, you guys are just
jealous because I've got
a million-dollar idea
and I've got the ticket.
You don't have
the ticket yet, bitch!
I bought the ticket.
What are you talking
about?! Are you crazy?!
Quiet! Quiet!
Quiet!
Now, I've heard from
everybody involved,
and I will make my decision.
But let me make
one thing clear.
In order for this
to be entirely just,
I will make my decision based
on fairness and compromise.
You understand?
Okay, I think I'm all caught up.
All right,
so what's the verdict?
Yeah, what do you got?
I think it's actually
pretty straightforward.
Mr. MacDonald is in possession
of the ticket,
so he has ownership.
However, he
would not be
in possession if his life
were not saved by Mr. Reynolds,
who set off the chain
of events saving him.
So I see it as a 50/50 split.
Are you kidding me?
I'm a hero!
Oh! You bitch!
50/50 split?
...out of the way!
Dennis: Nothing for the man
who paid for the ticket?
I bought it!
And this bigot here is
gonna get a hero's payout?
He may be a bigot and
he did use disgusting speech,
but it's not technically
hate speech since Mr. MacDonald
does not claim to be gay.
Oh.
Oh, does that mean if I claim
to be gay, I get all of it?
Well, um, y-yes.
You would be entitled
to keep all of it.
I claim to be gay!
No!
No, no, no, no.
Now you're gay?
There's a history
behind it.
I've been gay
forever.
Everybody knows it. Even
the balloon kid knew it.
Soon as he gets that ticket,
he's going back in the closet.
Yeah. This isn't fair.
Mark my words.
If he's gonna do it,
he's got to stay out,
which he won't,
i guarantee you.
Fine. Whatever.
Yeah. I'm out!
Totally out. I'm gonna...
Hey, uh, excuse me, would
you please do the honors
on my ticket, please?
It's probably worthless.
Margie: Okay. Sure.
Let's, uh...
Let's see what we have here.
Okay.
Wow.
What?
What is it?
Well, you're a winner.
What? How much?
$10,000.
Charlie: What?!
No! No!
Oh, my god!
Gay Mac rules!
Bullshit!
Gay-gay, rich Mac!
All right, if you will just sign
this, releasing the ticket
and agreeing to my ruling.
Don't mind if I do.
I wonder what I'm gonna do
with all this money.
Maybe start an llc.
Ass pounder 4000?
It's all going right
into the product.
Yeah, yeah, sign the paper so
you can go back in the closet.
Dee: Yeah.
Frank: Go ahead.
You go back in.
Go ahead.
Huh?
Well, you signed the thing.
You got your money.
Just go back in the closet.
Just get it over with.
Charlie:
We know you're gonna do it,
so you might as well just do it.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know. Maybe I'll...
Maybe I'll stay out.
Really?
Yeah.
It doesn't matter.
You can just go back in.
You signed the paper.
Y-yeah.
I mean,
you got your money.
No, I think I'm out now.
Yeah. I'm... I'm gay.
Actually feels
pretty good.
See ya, guys.
Wow.
Finally.
Eh, good for him, right?
Yeah, good for him. I'm...
Absolutely.
Guess I'm happy for him.
Yeah, it's a
relief, honestly.
All right, if, uh,
you'll just take care of this,
then, uh, we'll be all done.
What's this?
That would be a bill.
Ooh.
Oh, money stuff.
Uh...
That goes to frank.
I know it's steep,
but you did go through
three arbiters,
and you've been here 17 hours.
Yeah. I'm exhausted.
Yikes, yikes.
What's-what's it add
up to there, frank?
$9,986.
Yikes.
Holy cow, you guys
aren't cheap.
You guys aren't cheap.
The arbitration
was Mac's idea.
Let's let him pay for it.
That's a great idea.
That's fair.
In fairness' sake.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's got the money for it.
He's got the
money now. Yeah.
But maybe let's make him
pay it tomorrow, you know?
L-let's let him have this.
Yeah. Yeah.
Poor guy did just come out
over a $14 scratcher.
- That's all that's left?
- Yeah.
Oh, no.
That sucks.
Charlie: Oh, no.
Tell you what, man,
i am happy for him,
but I do still hate him.
Oh, yeah.
It's not a gay or
straight thing, is it?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's a Mac thing.
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
look, as we all know,
everything is about
emotion with women.
Right, Dee?
What?
Oh, my god! Whoa!
Whoa.
All right, Dee.
Relax.
We're trying to have
a rational conversation.
Sunny. All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on fxx.
I am a very dangerous man
to know.
Announcer: Taboo.
All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx.
Announcer: Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
Only on fxx.
Careful, honey.
Oh.
Mmm.
What's this?
It's still good.
Announcer: Baskets.
All new Thursdays at 10:00.
On fx.
Man: So, is he crazy?
Man #2:
I think he believes
he's mentally ill.
But at the same time,
part of him knows...
The power's real.
Announcer: Legion.
All new wednesdays at 10:00
on fx.
Take an hour
of his time.
Wow. Look at
Stan's yard.
Someone's been busy.
Clearly not in ours.
Maybe Henry can do
some work today.
Yeah.
I forget your back
is always bad
this time of year.
Only when there
are leaves--
when did you
wash this last?