It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - Frank Retires - full transcript

When Frank decides to retire, the gang fights over who is in now charge of the bar.

We think it's a sinkhole!
It's awesome!

- It's really not that awesome.
- It's blowing my mind!

How is a hole in the ground
blowing your mind?

Look, I was a little bit
skeptical at first, too,

but we've been playing with this thing
for three hours now, and it's fantastic.

I'm sorry, can I ask how do
you play with a goddamn hole?

First, we just started, like,
throwing things down it

and then we never heard it land. It would
just kind of rattle around down there.

Then we got a flashlight to see
if we could see the bottom.

We couldn't. Then I threw it down
there, you know, to prove a point.

What was the point?

It was something to do with how metal
travels faster than light or...?

No, it was that light is
either on or off.

There's no speed to light. It's,
it was an anti-science thing.

This hole, it's very
exciting, Dennis.

I mean, it represents infinite
possibilities. It's endless.

What if there's, like,
a mutant living down there?

We can get him up and he can
live in the bar with us.

We've already got one mutant hanging
out with us in the bar all the time.

Hey, Frank, did you
hear what I said?

I turned a frustrating
conversation into a joke on you.

- The, uh... thing.
- Huh? Oh, y-yeah.

Frank, what do you
think about this hole?

Pretty cool, huh? You want
to do something with it?

No. I don't.

In fact, something
just dawned on me.

I need to quit.

Wha-What? What are, what
are you talking about?

I don't care anything
about this hole.

I-I'm passionless.

What are you
saying, Frank?

I hereby officially retire
from Paddy's Pub.

All right, now, with
Frank retiring,

I know we're all a little bit concerned
about how that affects everyone's shares.

Frank owned 51% of
Paddy's Pub and we own 46%.

Well, we did, not-not Dee.
She-she doesn't own shit.

- Yeah, I know. Goddamn it.
- Yeah, yeah.

And, Charlie, you actually
gave up most of your shares

for various sandwiches and snacks
and sundries and things.

What the hell is a Franquito?

It says Franquito owns three
percent of Paddy's Pub?

Oh, yeah, I don't know. That's probably
one of Frank's weird shell corporations.

It doesn't matter. Who gives a shit?
It's only three percent.

Whoever gets Frank's 51% is
the majority shareholder.

That is who
controls the bar.

That is who gets the throne.

Oh, there-there's a throne?

Oh, sorry. No, I was just
referring to the desk chair

as the throne 'cause
that's where the boss man sits.

Ugh, gross. That chair smells
like Frank's butt.

It's not actually
Frank's butt;

I think it's a combination of all
of our butt smells, you know?

- That's worse.
- Yeah.

Why would anybody
want that chair?

No, no, it's not about the chair itself.
It's what the chair represents.

- The chair represents power.
Okay, well, all right.

How do we divvy up
Frank's shares then?

Uh... Okay, well, um...

- I'll-I'll take them.
- You? You?

You think we're gonna give the
shares to the man who wants to

pull a mutant from a mystery hole
in the bar and live with him?

All right, well, look, I'm just
trying to come up with a system.

- We got to have a system here...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

We do have
a system for this!

Paddy's Succession Plan,
remember?

Oh, shit! Right.
Yes, right!

Paddy's Succession Plan.

It was like a will
that we drew up

to help us determine who would
get each one of our shares

in the very likely event of our
untimely deaths, that's right.

We drank, like, three
bottles of tequila

and then we started
talking about our legacy

- and how important that was to us.
- Oh! Got to have a legacy.

- Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?
- Oh, oh! Yeah, okay.

- Read it! Read it! Read it! Read it!
- "Paddy's succession plan.

Paddy's Pub shall secure our
legacy here, henceforth

and forevermore throughout
the birthright of our firstborn kin.

- Who had the pen here?
- It makes sense. Don't be a bitch.

What it means is every one of our shares
gets passed down to our firstborn.

Right, right! Our firstborn!

- The shares get passed down
to the firstborn kin? - Yeah.

We are the firstborn
kin of Frank.

Well, now, hang on, that's
not, like, an official document.

Uh, well, you signed
it in your blood.

Oh, that, yeah, there it is--
"Trundle," written in blood.

Oh, yeah, I was going by
Trundle at the time, wasn't I?

No, no, no. You were trying to write
"Charlie" and you wrote "Trundle."

No, I was going by
"Trundle the Great."

You came up with that
after you miswrote it.

Well, look, the point is you can't just
take the bar based on a paper plate.

Sorry, Charlie.

I'm siding with
Dennis and Dee.

I'm your humble servant.

You're just gonna
give it to them?!

That's a binding contract.
Okay? You wrote it in blood.

That's gonna hold up in a court of
law and I know when to pick a side.

- I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.
- Wait, hold on a second.

You guys aren't even
actually Frank's kid.

You're Bruce Mathis' kid, all right? And
I technically might be Frank's kid.

Charlie, I pledge my
allegiance to you.

- No, no, no, no.
- Wait a second, no.

- But Frank is a Reynolds and we are
Reynolds. - Yup, we're Reynolds.

Yeah, and it's the name
that carries on the line,

not maybe being
someone's bastard kid.

It was always you guys. I tricked him,
I tricked him. It was always you.

It is the blood
that binds.

And his blood is pumping
through my veins.

And I shall prove it.

This is a little bit harder because he
might win 'cause he has some good points.

But you guys might win...

- We don't give a shit about what you're
talking about! - It doesn't matter.

Hey-o! There's my guy!

Hey, I got a piping hot
Grilled Frank for you, okay?

I got the sausage,
the Spam, the bacon.

I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake
and cooked with a stick of butter.

I don't want that, Charlie.

I'm trying to get in shape.

I read all about this
phenomenon that guys' bodies

immediately turn to shit
the second they retire.

- Oh, yeah?
- I got to work on it.

All right, well, you know, just-just
take a peek, see if you like it.

Uh, hey, listen, man, can
I ask you something?

What?

Are you, like, um...

my dad?

What?

Are, like... are you the-the
father of me and shit?

- We've-we've been over this.
- Yeah.

- Your mother's a giant whore.
- Right.

I don't want to stress
about this, Charlie.

I'm retired. Leave me alone.
I want to watch a little TV.

- Yeah. All right.
- Charlie, hey... Oh.

- Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
- Uh, yeah. Hey.

Hey, um, I came up with
a really great idea, dude.

Yeah?

I'm gonna play both sides.

Why would you
tell me that?

Should I not have?

Probably shouldn't 'cause if you're trying
to keep a secret from me, well, now I know.

I should've...
Should I tell them?

No, I don't think you
should tell either side

'cause if you try to play both
sides and they both know,

- you're not playing anybody.
- What should I do now?

I don't... I don't give a
shit. Why are you here?

I'm here to prove my
allegiance to you.

Because I believe that
you're the rightful heir.

Okay, whatever.

- All right, well, I see... I see that
you don't believe me. - Why would I?

So I am prepared to take a
blood oath with you.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, dude!
Oh, that was Frank's toe knife!

Oh, it hurts so much.
All right, quick, shake on it.

- No, I'm not gonna touch your blood.
- Do you have something I could...

- I got to close this wound.
- Yeah, here, just plug it up.

That was so not as cool
as I thought it was gonna be.

That sock's probably gonna
get it more infected, though.

All right, look, look,
look, look, dude.

We got to prove that
Frank is your dad.

Dude, he-he doesn't even want to have
that conversation with me, okay?

And he's certainly not gonna
get tested, you know?

He's really resistant
to the whole thing.

All right, well, then we're gonna
have to do some testing of our own.

Yeah?

I can choke a man out
in four seconds flat.

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, I guess we could try
that, or, uh... - All right.

You know, I could probably take
his blood right now. He's out.

He's staring right at us.

Yeah, he's been falling asleep with his
eyes open like that, but he's way out.

I mean, we could prick him.
He won't feel a thing. Frank!

- Anything?
- Nothing!

Not a single butt
smell to that.

- How is that possible?
- I don't know.

It's either this guy's butt
or this brand of chair.

It's got to be
the brand, right?

All right, we got to get one
of these for our throne.

- Yeah. Yeah. Hey!
- Hey!

Hey, what do you say, Doc?
So, what is the verdict?

- Is Frank Charlie's dad or not?
- I don't know.

I don't know who that is.

What I do know is I came
to work this morning

to find a very large
bucket of blood in my lab.

Yeah, well, that's the sample, obviously,
and, uh, you know, if it's too big,

it's because Frank sprung
a little bit of a leak there.

Yeah, it was a mess, huh?

- He was bleeding like crazy.
- There was blood everywhere,

but we caught enough
of it, I think.

Yeah, we must have cut a
deep vein or something.

Wait a second. Most of
this came from one man?

Did we take too much? I-I didn't
think that we took too much.

Yes. You took too much.

Also, there's traces of more
than four individuals in here

and at least one animal.

Was there blood in
the bucket before?

It is a blood bucket, so
yeah, there was old blood.

I didn't come here to get
sassed, okay?

I came here to get
an answer to my question.

So is Frank
Charlie's dad or not?

The only thing that
I can tell you is that,

based off of how much
blood is in this bucket,

your friend is in
desperate need of blood.

All right, Dee, the bar
is finally ours.

Let's talk redecoration.

Well, I'm thinking chrome, and I'm
thinking chrome everywhere.

The other thing that's important
to me is a proper dance floor.

That way, any time I want
to just pop a boogie,

I can do it wherever I am, and it
won't be weird, you know what I mean?

- Okay.
- Oh, think of it, brother.

With them out of the way,
we can do as we please.

Two butts, one throne.

All right, you know what,
you've been doing this all day.

- Why are you talking like that?
- I'm just being... I'm being arch.

- Why? - Well, because we're being
devious and we're plotting,

and I just wanted to make sure that it was
clear that we were devious and plotting.

You don't need to indicate to
me that you're being devious

when you're actually
being devious.

I guess I had some concerns
that you wouldn't pick up on it

if I didn't make it super clear.

Yeah, but the problem is if
you start doing that,

- everybody's gonna pick up on it. And
that defeats the purpose. - Yeah, got it.

Dennis, Dee, quickly--
we don't have much time.

Charlie and I doctored
a paternity test

to make it look like
Frank is Charlie's dad.

But the tests were
actually inconclusive;

There was too much blood
in the bucket to tell.

The reason I'm telling you all
this is because I'm playing

both sides so that
I always come out on top.

So, with this information,
I'm gonna leverage you guys

into making me the head of
security at the new Paddy's Pub.

- Mm. - O-Okay, okay, couple things
right off the bat, there, pal.

Number one, um, never tell one side
that you're playing both sides.

- Yeah. - And number two, if
you are gonna play both sides,

don't give away the information
before you get what you want.

Oh, shit.

Right, don't give away
the in-information.

- Yeah. - All right, well, if I am gonna
play both sides, what should I do?

- Oops. - You're still telling us
that you're playing both sides,

so why would we help you?

Uh... Okay, well, what if I make a blood
oath... uh, allegiance to you guys?

- Oh!
- Ooh.

Gross.

Yeah, I, uh, I sliced it with
Frank's toe knife and, uh,

it's not bleeding anymore,
but maybe I could...

- Oh, yeah, here, I'll just
get it again. - Oh!

- Oh, shit!
- Oh, God!

Jesus, dude, that
was the lime knife.

Oh, I feel that-- it stings.
Oh, Dee, here, shake my hand.

- No, get away from me, gross.
- Aah. Dennis?

No, your blood is disgusting.

- Aah. What should I do?
- Go to the doctor.

Mac, why the hell'd you
sprint ahead of me, man?

Oh, 'cause I'm
playing both sides.

- Jesus Christ.
- Wow.

It doesn't matter.
Okay, guys,

I got some documentation here
proving that I am the rightful heir

- to Frank's butt chair.
- Yeah.

All right, Charlie,
save it, save it.

Mac already told us that that's
not a real paternity test.

What the hell, dude?
You swore a blood oath to me.

Dude, you never touched
my blood, okay?

All right, you know what, if
you really want to work here...

- kick Charlie out of here.
- Hmm.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

No problem, dude.
Charlie, let's go, bud, get...

All right, dude, I'm
gonna carry you out.

Oh, shit. Oh, my
God, he is so heavy.

He's, like, grounding
himself with something.

Oh, now he's going limp. No,
come on, dude, that's not fair.

Help me out, here, Charlie.
Help me out.

That's it, dude, that's it.
I'm choking you out.

- Okay. - You're going out,
dude, you're going to sleep.

Good night, dude,
good night, bitch.

Your head of security just
choked himself out.

Hey, Frank, I know you're
trying to be healthy,

so I got you a hoagie with
extra pickles in it--

I figured you could use
the veggies and stuff...

Oh, shit!

Hi, Charlie.

What... What's going
on with you, man?

I forgot to dye my
hair this morning.

What's up with your teeth?

I was eating some of
Deandra's pyramid scheme berries.

I was trying
to get healthy.

Right.

I feel a little
light-headed.

All right, well, I'm sure
it's nothing, you know.

Probably just, like, tired from
working hard and then...

You know, the body crashes when...
O-Oh, shit, did you fall asleep again?

- Frank?
- Is he dead?

- Oh, shit.
- He looks bad.

What are you sneaking
up on me for?

Oh, listen, Dennis is acting
weird and I don't like it.

Now, I know he's got something
planned, but he's not indicating,

- so I don't know what it is.
- Right.

- No, I get that, I guess, so, yeah.
- Yes, yes, exactly, Charlie,

so here's the plan: We need to outsmart
him before he can have us murdered...

- Are you okay?
- ...and throw us in... Hmm?

Do you need a glass of
water or something?

No, I'm good.

- What are... W-What's happening?
- I'm... I'm being arch.

- Oh. Oh. - We're doing a thing
together, so you know...

Yeah, no, I know, just 'cause
you're telling me what's up.

Okay, okay, fine.
The point is

we got to prove that you're
the rightful heir to the throne.

Yes, of course, that's why
I got this plastic bag,

'cause my blood bucket
was inconclusive.

You just need
a couple drops.

- Right, yeah.
- So let's open him up.

Yeah, all right, but you know,
we got to be careful, you know,

'cause I think I took too
much blood last time.

- Is that what's going on?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, you just
need a couple drops.

- Yeah, all right, just a prick, just
a little prick. - Just a prick. Okay.

Oh, my God, so much blood!

- Oh, so much blood, I think we hit
an artery, Dee, look at this. - Yeah.

- Oh, shit.
- Is he okay?

No, he's okay, you know,
the duct tape'll stop it.

Okay, let's just get...
Wait, oh, shit, this is leaking.

Oh, no. Oh, shit,
I'm holding it...

Wait, wait, stop, stop!
Oh, damn it.

Shoot, Charlie, I'm sorry,
I was trying to help.

Can't imagine it was gonna be
a very good sample anyway--

there are quite a few pickles
floating around in that bag.

- Yeah, what I was thinking.
- Shit.

Wait a second-- which one of
you and Dennis was firstborn?

- We're twins.
- No, I know, I know, but, like,

who did Barbara actually,
like, pop out first?

Oh, shit.

Oh, Charlie.
"Worst is first!"

- What is that?
- "Worst is first."

My mom used to say that to me all
the time because I was first

and she thought
I was the worst.

- Holy shit, that's terrible, but
that's good for us. - Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, so that means you're
the rightful heir to the butt chair.

So, all right, we can work with that.
All right, let's get out of here,

- come on, we can't tell anybody
about this, all right? - Okay, okay.

Let's... All right, let's just go.

Always hated these.

So that's gonna change.

Worst is first, dude,
worst is first.

- What are you talking about, man?
- Dee is conspiring against you.

Charlie figured it out.

"Worst is first."

Charlie and Dee were
getting blood from Frank

when Charlie realized
Dee was born first.

Therefore,
she's the rightful heir.

Then I got a little bit
more blood from Frank,

'cause I feel like we're probably
gonna use it in the future

- and he was already opened up, so
who gives a shit? - Okay, all right.

How'd you get all
this information?

I was hiding in
Frank's apartment,

and then they went out into the hallway
and I heard them through the door.

Dude, the best part is I'm gonna use
this information to leverage you

into giving me a better
position under your reign.

You just told me the infor...

You know what? Forget it.
Good job.

Um, how about the position of
my pawn, how's that sound?

- Pawn. Pawns are cool, there's a lot
of them, you know. - Yeah.

They move diagonally.

I've always thought that I move
a little bit too much forward

and back and I should
be more like... like...

'Cause then, you can't see me
if I'm coming at you like this.

Like, sideways.
Well, watch.

Well, don't move your head, dude. All
right, what if you keep your head

- there but close your eyes...
- You know, it doesn't matter.

I need you to do
something for me.

Oh... oh, my God.
That is crazy.

It's the smell of
a thousand butts.

Hey! Dennis! Dennis,
I did your bidding.

- Good.
- Yeah.

Frank is on his way.

But dude, whatever it is you got
planned, you better do it fast,

because if Dee and Charlie get that
birth certificate, you're screwed.

Look, Mac, I told you,
I've got it under control.

Everything is going
according to my plan.

Right.

- Worst is first!
- Worst is first!

Oh, brother, looks as though
you've underest... - Stop doing that.

- It doesn't work.
- No?

Look, we found the birth certificate
proving Dee was born first.

- Mm-hmm.
- Worst is first.

Worst is first, yeah, and then Charlie
and I, we made a blood oath,

- so now we're in cahoots.
- Yeah!

Hey, Trundle, can
I get in on that?

- Ugh!
- I'm on their side.

- Nasty.
- You idiots.

Did you not think that
I had anticipated this?

While you were running
around town like lunatics,

chopping your hands to bits,
I did a little bit of research.

Turns out Franquito isn't a
shell corporation after all.

He's a person.

- Dee, you remember Josefina, our
maid from the early '80s? - Yeah.

Well, it turns out Frank had
been banging her for years,

and just before we
were born, he was.

Franquito!

Ven acá!

Holy shit!

- Whoa!
- What?

Yeah, look upon him.

Yeah, he doesn't speak any English, by
the way, so don't try talking to him.

But we worked
something out.

Yeah, Frank's shares go to him,
'cause he's the firstborn...

and then Franquito
signs to me.

It's game, set and match.

Holy shit.

What is happening
right now?

I'm not...

I'm not feeling so well.

Retirement is difficult.

Anyway... hey, Frank!

Guess who this is.

Haven't seen him in
a while, have you?

♪ ♪

Come closer.

It's your son.

Franquito.

Yes.

Of course it is.

Look how beautiful he is.

Oh! My one true child.

Come closer.

Oh!

You give me so much
joy right now.

And, so, Frank, the bar
shall go to him.

Oh!

Just need you to sign
here and here.

When a man is no longer
needed in the tribe,

his body betrays him.

Yeah.

When he has no purpose,

the blood seems
to drain from his body,

leaving him a shell of
the man he once was.

All right, I don't know where you're
going with this, but can you just sign?

I'm unretiring.

Wh-What?!

I have a plan.

I will retain all,

and Franquito will help me run
the bar as my number two.

Speaking of number two...

- Oh! - Dude.
- Oh!

Damn it! Come on.
I just cleaned that.

That's Frank's butt smell.
That is it. I told you.

- That is the exact smell of the chair.
- Oh, no!

Everything is better
than it was before.

- No, it isn't.
- No.

- It's so much worse.
- I have my son to rule with me.

No, you don't.

- What do you mean?
- Because Franquito's not your son.

- I made it all up.
- What?! How?!

All right, look, guys,
it's very simple.

Seven years ago, I walked into
a Wahwah, and I saw this guy,

and I thought, "Holy shit! That guy looks
just like Frank, but, you know, Mexican."

And then I came up with a plan
where I could make Frank believe

that he had a son with our maid
Josefina all those years ago,

and I could bilk him out of
a shitload of money under the guise

that the money was all going
to his firstborn son,

Franquito, when, in fact, the
money was going to me.

And it worked, too.
It was a good plan.

Yeah, but that's, like...

incredibly devious, dude. I mean,
you've been screwing Frank for years?

I mean, you guys would have done that,
too, right, if you'd thought of it?

- Uh, I don't... I don't know.
- I don't know, man. I mean...

Yeah, I think you guys would
have, but, either way,

it doesn't matter, you know,
'cause everything is, uh,

as it should be, so
let's grab some drinks.

No, no, everything is
not as it should be.

You tried to screw
us out of the bar.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you tried
to steal the bar. - No, no, no, no,

I was trying to get things to go
back to the way they were--

get him back on the throne,
and, you know,

so we could get back to doing all
the things that we love to do at Paddy's,

you know, like, um, finding out
what's at the bottom of a hole.

- Shit.
- Right? Did we ever?

Did you guys ever find out what
was at the bottom of that?

No, we dropped
it completely.

- Yeah. - Oh, shit, dude. There could be
a Goonies situation down there, right?

- That. Yeah, that's what I was thinking,
yeah. - Yeah, we were discussing it.

- You know, the hole... The hole in
the bathroom? - You feeling better?

Yeah, I feel pretty
good about this.

All right, come on,
let's go check it out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's get in the bathroom.

- You want to try to flush that thing
one more time? - Ah, the hole.

Oh, I'm so excited things are
back to the way they were.

Yes.

Go play in your little
hole, you fools.

You still need me to stick
around, or can I...?

No, Franquito.
We're done here.

- Can I get my five bucks?
- Yes, you can get your five bucks.

Goddamn, you're
a greedy bastard.