It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 8 - The Gang Goes on Family Fight - full transcript
When the gang appears on a nationally broadcast game show, Dennis does his best to make a good impression.
- Oh, man, this is so exciting.
- Is this the green room?
Yeah. - A game show. Can you guys
believe we're gonna be on a game show?
- All right, all right, relax.
- Awesome!
Guys, the green room
of Family Fight...
- I've got goose bumps.
- Yeah, all right, calm down.
Don't start acting
like an animal, here.
All right, listen, this is
Family Fight.
This is a nationally
televised program.
This is a very big deal
for us, okay?
We're talking... What are you doing?
Are you stealing an ashtray right now?
- Yeah.
- Why?
We have ashtrays, and you
don't even smoke.
This is a perfect place for me
to lay out my political agenda.
- No, no, no. No politics, man.
- What?
Because it's too
polarizing, okay?
And don't be misogynistic and
please don't be gross, I mean...
Guys, let's-let's be
smart about this.
Let's be right down the middle.
Right down the middle
sounds so boring.
That's not what
the audience wants to see.
Thinking I'm gonna do a Jenny
McCarthy thing, where I'm, like,
super sexy, but I got
a potty mouth.
Ah-ah, no, no, Dee, you are
never going to be sexy.
And do not do a potty
mouth thing, okay?
We don't want to come
across as low-brow animals.
Now, have some veggie platter
and have some fruit, okay?
- That is brain food.
- Mm-mm, no way, not me.
Haven't eaten in three days.
I don't want to be puffy.
J-Mac's face...
it's never puffy.
Yeah, because J-Mac's face is
stapled to the back of her head.
Now, eat some food.
You look emaciated and sick.
What is that?
Fart noise key chain.
Dennis, what is this
enticing bowl of white?
- This?
- Yeah.
Charlie, that...
that's cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese? Like... cheese
from some cottage? Whose cottage?
Well, like, what
is that, exactly?
How do you not
know what it is?
- Aren't you, like, a cheese guy?
- I'm not a cottage guy.
You are gonna make
us lose this game.
Here comes
the other family.
Hello.
You must be
the Reynolds family.
I'm Janet, and we're
the Barretts.
Oh.
Okay...
Hey, guys!
I'm Lisa. I'm
stage manager.
Both teams ready?
Let's play Family Fight!
It's time to play
Family Fight!
Let's give it up for your host,
Grant Anderson!
How you doing, man?
Hey, oh!
Hello! All right!
Thank you for coming out, everybody,
and welcome to Family Fight.
I'm your host,
Grant Anderson.
Today, we have
the Barrett family...
Oh, all right.
...versus the Reynolds family!
And they are here for a whole
lot of cash, so let's get it on!
Give me Janet,
give me Frank.
Here we go.
Oh... whoa.
Whoa, I didn't get a good look
at you before backstage.
Sha-booyah roll call.
Okay, all right, we got some-some
sparks flying already here.
Now, let's get up here and do this.
Come on, Frank, you ready?
- I'm ready.
- All right, man.
Top four answers on the board, here: Name
an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.
- Frank!
- Pig!
Show me pig!
All right, oh, Frank's doing
a little dance there.
Now, Frank, you want
to pass or play?
- Pass or play?
- Oh, we... we'll play.
- Play, play, play.
- We're gonna play.
All right, so, Frank... you want to tell
me a little bit about the family?
Yeah. Well, yeah, you
know, uh, Grant?
- Yes, Grant.
- I want to...
I want to change
my answer.
- What?
- Wh... what? Why?
I have realized it's-it's not
totally accurate,
because I've seen
a pig eat a man.
In fact, I've seen many
pigs eat many men.
It was a bloodbath.
Well, okay, well,
we can't do that.
I'm gonna move on, though,
'cause you're losing me here.
Yeah?
Oh, Grant... a lighthearted
barb, if you will.
So, uh, so...
His talk of pigs and man flesh is
confusing as it is frustrating.
Right.
Don't you just want to...
- I hear you, I hear you, Dennis. - You
know, you have these people in your life
- and you just want to...
- Yeah.
Now, Dennis, uh, why don't you
tell me something? What do you do?
Me? Oh, well, I am
the proprietor of,
uh, one of the most charming pubs
in all of South Philadelphia.
- All right.
- Paddy's Pub.
- Paddy's Pub! Paddy's Pub!
- Paddy's... Paddy's Pub.
Yeah.
Yeah, but listen, I am
so much more, Grant.
Um, I'm kind of a jack of all
trades, if you will.
- Okay. - So the question
really isn't "What do I do?"
It's "What don't I do?"
Wow. Now, there's a lot of
confidence right there. I like that.
- I like that, Dennis. All right.
- Yeah.
Hey, buddy, can you name an animal
that we eat but doesn't eat us?
Oh, easy. A sea urchin.
- A sea... a what now?
- Sea urchin.
- Sea urchin.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Show me sea urchin!
- Ooh, one strike.
- Oh.
One strike for
the Reynolds here.
Wow, that, uh, that buzzer
sounds... it's awfully loud.
- It is loud. - Pierces you right
down to your soul, doesn't it?
- I don't like it.
- Okay.
- I'll be fine, though.
- You're right. All right, thank you.
- Okay.
- Who do we have here?
- Hi.
- Hello... Deandra.
- Yep.
- Reynolds.
Deandra, help me out-- name an animal
that we eat but doesn't eat us.
- Well, Grant, I'll tell you what...
- Mm-hmm?
...I like to eat cock.
Whoa, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we can't say...
Lisa, are we gonna...?
See what I did there? It's a little bit
of a double entendre type of thing.
I was talking about
chicken, but I said "cock."
Yeah, don't say that word.
Please, I'm-I'm...
Just, it's a family show, so we're
just gonna go with "chicken," okay?
Show me chicken!
- Ow!
- There you go.
Okay.
- Ronald Reynolds.
- Yeah!
- Hello, sir.
- Hey!
- How you doing today?
- I'm great, Grant.
I'm just really excited to be
here with my new family.
- Oh... your new family?
- Yeah.
- Oh, a little bit of background.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, actually, just for
clarification.
Um, he raised them, but
he didn't sire them.
Now, he may have sired him--
we're not exactly sure,
- but they do live together in squalor.
- Yeah, yeah.
I actually brought
my blood bucket
in case you guys want to run his
blood and see if it all checks out.
- It'd be good to know. - Yeah, if we want
to do, like, a quick DNA sequencing...
- Yeah. - ...at the commercial break, that
actually would clear things up for everybody.
- If we could.
- It would set the record straight.
But either way, I was always the
odd man out, you know?
I mean, you know.
And then Frank, here, adopted me and now
I'm a part of the Reynolds family!
Okay, well...
We don't...
I'm... I'm just... I'm not even gonna
try to figure that one out, so...
Okay, here-here's the deal,
guys: From now on,
I'm not gonna ask you guys
any more questions at all...
- Yes. - ...other than the ones
that keep the game moving.
- Great! Yeah!
- All right?
Great!
Show me... cow!
Nope, that's me.
I say that word.
I say the "show me" part.
You just give me the answer.
- Okay, Ronald?
- Right, I'm sorry.
- Show me c...
- Don't say "show me."
- He just said that.
- Don't say it.
- He just said that.
- Just say the answer.
Show... show me..
is the part I say?
Here's the one thing... there's only
one thing in the whole world
at this moment you
shouldn't say...
- Mm-hmm?
- "Show me."
So just give me the answer,
and then I'll say sh...
You know what, go ahead and do it.
Just go ahead and do it, then.
- Do what?
- Mother of...
Show me cow!
Cow!
Good answer!
So, sadly we got to stay here.
Okay.
- Charlie?
- Yeah?
Just need you to name
an animal...
- Yeah! - ...that we eat
but doesn't eat us.
Doesn't eat us-- that's easy.
Dragon!
Charlie, do you eat dragon?
No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh,
it's-it's not a meal for peasants,
it's a meal for kings, and I'm
sort of a common man.
But they don't eat us; They, uh,
it's like a misconception.
They actually eat
gold and treasure.
That's why they're always
sitting on a big pile of it.
- Bad answer. - Bad answer.
- Bad answer.
That's-That's a bad
answer.
Okay, show me dragon!
- I told you!
- Oh, my God!
Well, astonishingly, uh,
one person surveyed
gave the answer
dragon, so...
What a world!
All right, the Reynolds family
has won round one!
- There you go, all right.
- Sha-booyah!
- All right.
- Sha-booyah!
But we got a lot more show to
go! It could be anybody's game.
We'll be right back after this
with Family Fight!
That's commercial, guys!
Back in three.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Yeah, that was, uh, that was terrible.
I mean, we're bombing out there.
This-this is exactly what
I was trying to avoid, guys.
What are you talking about?
We won that round.
Yeah, but you were being
lascivious and disgusting.
Dee was making sex jokes that were
going over like a lead balloon.
Well, at least we got all of
our answers right.
Yeah, that-that's utterly
ridiculous.
I mean, how is dragon an answer
and sea urchin isn't?
- Everyone knows... - I don't know, but
there's always a weirdo or two in those
panels who's gonna
give a stupid answer
and Charlie's always
gonna get those, right?
- So... Yeah!
- Yeah, I'll get the steal.
Plus, people don't even really
eat sea urchin, Dennis.
Most people don't
eat dragons.
Well, dragonflies.
People don't eat
dragonflies.
Don't make that noise.
I don't like it.
Just relax, would
you, Dennis?
Look, if we make asses out of ourselves,
they just won't air the episode, okay?
Okay, first of all, you don't know that,
and secondly, don't tell me to relax.
All right, don't you start
making that noise.
All right, it's not funny when they do
it, it's definitely not funny when...
Oh, goddamn it!
And welcome back to
Family Fight.
We got the Reynolds family over
here with a hundred points.
We got the Barretts
over here with zero.
Give me Bobby,
give me Dennis!
Here we go!
Okay.
Hey, Bobby, all right.
All right, somebody got a little,
a little lead in his shoes.
Uh, no.
No. No, my shoes are fine.
I assure you.
They're made of the finest
Italian leather.
The fit is perfect. Therefore,
there would be no room for lead.
All right.
The top four answers
are on the board.
We asked a hundred
people on the street,
"Name something people
groom themselves with."
Dennis!
Laser beams, Grant.
- La-Laser beams?
- Yeah, laser beam.
It's the only way to completely
obliterate the follicle.
Show me laser beam!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That noise, it's too loud.
Can we, can we just
turn it down a touch?
We cannot, we cannot.
Bobby, you got an answer?
- I got an answer.
- All right.
- Hair brush!
- Show me hair brush!
Hair brush, that's so obvious.
God, that buzzer noise!
Isn't that just
irritating as hell?
- Come on, we got to think of a steal
here, okay? - I got one, I got one!
What about, uh, uh, bleaching
cream for your facial hair?
- What the hell?!
- No, no. I-I got it.
- Drakkar Noir.
- Mm, too specific.
You know what it is?
I think it's a bride.
A bride could be
a good answer.
- What? - You can't become a groom
or get groomed without a bride.
- Oh, no, no... - Right, right. That's not
the kind of grooming they're talking about.
I don't know.
Charlie could be right.
- Uh, yeah, I... I got dragon.
- No, he's not, he's not right!
Because nobody else
is that stupid.
Show me pumice stone!
All right, here we go.
Reynolds family for the steal!
No, no, we're not
gonna say that.
The comb, a comb!
I'm gonna go with...
toe knife.
With what now?
With a toe knife 'cause
I-I use a-a sharp blade
to dig the scum out
of my toenails.
Once in a while, I cut myself,
but it puses up and in three
days, it's good as new.
- Sure.
- Toe knife!
Way more information than
we needed, but, uh...
show me toe knife.
Okay, the Barretts win the board!
There you go! All right!
Okay, let's see-see what that
last answer was.
Bride!
- Charlie was right.
- I knew it.
Do you, do you groom
a bride, Lisa?
All right, hey, let's get onto
that last round now!
I need some Dee, I need a little
bit of Lester! Come on down!
Okay.
Come on, Dee!
All right.
Okay, here we go-- top six
answers are on the board.
Name something that
people are afraid of.
Oh, oopsie-daisy!
Looks like I, I broke it.
- You think?
- Oops.
Can't believe that's...
Ain't never seen anything
like that in my life.
What do you got, hands
made of anvils?
You want me to answer that or
answer the-- this one?
- I don't want you to answer either
of them, okay? - Yeah, sorry.
Because I don't know who won
- because you broke the machine.
- That makes sense.
- Right? Okay?
- It makes sense, yeah.
Okay, everybody, we're gonna
take a couple seconds.
- We'll be right back after this.
- Okay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Start thinking of a steal because if
we get this one, we win the game.
All right, all right.
What's the question?
- Things people are afraid of.
- That's still the question?
- Yeah... - How do you not know
how the game works by now?
Okay, I'm afraid of
game show rules.
- You guys, I know what it is.
- Yeah?
- It's failure.
- That's too pathetic.
Liberal yahoos
taking my guns.
That-that is a political
firestorm, Frank. No!
Oh, oh! The Nightman.
All right, guys, these are
terrible answers, all right?
Now, normally I would've said
the crust on a crème brûlée
burning the top of your mouth, but
I'm thinking like a commoner now
and I really do think that
the right answer is probably...
clowns.
- That's a good answer.
- I know.
I feel like it could
be Nightman.
No, I feel like it isn't
the Nightman...
- He could be right, dude.
- I've got a lot...
Show me dogs!
God ****!
Okay, Reynolds, you get a chance to steal
and win the whole game right here.
Name something that
people are afraid of.
- We're gonna go with...
- Wait, wait, wait, Frank.
You have to say it in
the form of a question.
- What is...?
- No, you don't, you don't...
you don't have to do that
'cause it's not Jeopardy.
- Ah, it's not Jeopardy.
- All right?
- Say "show me," Frank.
- Don't say "show me," Frank.
Just say the word.
Just say the word.
- Show me clowns!
- All right.
Show me clowns!
Yeah! We did it!
We did it!
And the Reynolds
win the game!
The Reynolds win the game!
Sha-booyah, sha-booyah,
sha-booyah, you lose!
Sha-booyah, sha-booyah,
sha-booyah, you lose!
All right, okay.
So, anyway...
let's take a look
at the last one, everybody.
"Nightman."
Don't know what that is.
- Just don't know what it is.
- What is happening?
Pretty strange
answers today!
All right, man. Uh, we're gonna come
right back and play some Fast Money.
We'll see you right
after these messages.
- How the hell was "Nightman"
an answer? - Right.
Dude, I think I'm
remembering what happened.
I took this survey.
I got interviewed at a mall and I thought
it was, like, a government thing.
- Oh...
- Okay, all right.
That makes a lot
more sense.
That's actually the only
thing that makes sense.
Right? Okay. So I should play Fast Money,
because I'm gonna know all the answers.
No, no, no, you're only gonna
know your answers.
And that's only gonna get us one
point for every question.
We need to get all the top
answers to win Fast Money.
Right, totally, totally.
And then we spin the wheel.
Okay, you're definitely not gonna
play, 'cause you can't understand
- a thing that's happening.
- I'll play.
No, you won't play, because
you've been nothing but gross
and foul and polarizing
the entire time.
You're embarrassing me in front
of the whole nation. Dee...
Mmm.
- ...you and I are gonna play.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Can I do my fart keychain?
Absolutely goddamn not.
Okay, now go get something to
eat, you look terrible.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm very hungry, but I'm not gonna
blow it now. This is my close-up.
God, don't be a dumb, hungry
bitch the entire time.
- Guys, we're back.
- Ooh!
Okay, all right, you're going
first, Dee, you're going first.
Come on, Dee, go, Dee!
Here we go.
All right, we are back with Fast
Money, here with Dee Reynolds.
But first, there's somebody who
wants to say something to you.
Hey, Reynolds family!
Win $20,000 and bring home the
money for Paddy's Pub!
Yeah, all right.
I'm done dancing like a monkey.
Give me my five bucks, Charlie.
Ha-ha, wow!
That was a rough video, right there.
That dude is hard on the eyes.
Yeah. He's all burned up.
- We couldn't get anybody else?
- No.
Okay, you ready, Dee?
Oh, you better believe it.
But, uh...
- Mm-hmm? - ...first, hold on a...
hold on a second,
- there's, um...
- Yeah?
- There's, uh...
- You okay?
- Ooh! Yeah.
- You all right?
Uh, yes... there's a... just
a quick bit I wanted to, uh...
Oof.
Oh, whoops-a-daisy.
That's about as low-brow
as it gets.
Yeah, Dennis isn't
gonna like that.
- It's pretty funny, though.
- Okay, new plan.
All right.
This is not good.
So we're back here with, uh,
Fast Money here.
Uh, now we got Frank
doing it, 'cause...
people just be faintin'
up in here, so, okay,
give me 30 seconds
on the clock.
Name something you thought
existed when you were a child.
Santa Claus.
Name something you might
find in a bathtub.
Soap!
Name something
people add sugar to.
Coffee.
A thing you associate with
Charlie Chaplin.
Little mustache.
Name a foreign country whose
films are popular in America.
France.
Damn!
You did it, man...
Oh, oh, that was so good!
That was so good, Frank!
Hey, you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
- Frank did great.
- Frank?
- Yeah, uh, Dee passed out.
- She... of course she did.
- She's so embarrassing.
- Right.
All right, here we go, everybody. We're
gonna bring Dennis out right now.
Here he is, Dennis Reynolds.
- Here we go.
- Yeah, Dennis.
All right.
Okay.
Now, Dennis...
Frank got the number one answer
for every single question,
so you only need five
points to win the game.
- Okay, I can do it.
- Okay?
- Now, Grant, listen, I know I gave
some bad answers before... - Yes.
...but I understand
the game perfectly now,
and, uh, that does
not represent me.
- Okay, I like that.
- Okay? So I'm ready to give good answers.
- I like that.
- That does represent me.
All right, that sounds good,
that sounds good.
If you repeat any of Frank's answers,
you're gonna hear this sound...
- ...and then...
- Thought we were done with the buzzer.
- Only if you repeat an answer.
- Even in this round?
- Yes, even in this round. Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
If you don't know an answer,
you can say "pass"
- and we'll just move on
to the next question. - Okay.
- All right, are you ready?
- Yes, yes.
30 seconds on the clock.
Name something you thought
existed when you were a child.
Santa Claus.
Oh, God... uh, pass.
Name something you might
find in a bathtub.
S... uh, soap.
Ah! God, I really
hate that buzzer.
- Can we not do that?
- Clock's ticking, clock's ticking.
- Okay, uh, pass.
- Name something people add sugar to.
God...
coffee.
Oh, God...
Nope, we gotta...
we need an answer.
Yeah, no, no, okay, no, then
pass, then pass, 'cause...
A thing you associate
with Charlie Chaplin.
Mmm... pass.
Okay, name a foreign country whose
films are popular in America.
France.
- Oh, God, no, no!
- Already said that.
Oh, God, France. France.
France. France.
- That's still not the answer.
- Little mustache.
Soap, soap, France.
- Something else!
- It won't stop!
He said that already.
Don't say "France."
- Give up.
- All right, I have never seen
a more embarrassing display
in my entire career.
Oh, please don't air this.
Okay? Please don't...
don't air this... you
won't air this, right?
Oh, no, no, we definitely air it. We
always air it. No matter what, we air it.
- That's how we do it, my friend.
- It just went so wrong...
Good night, everybody! Thanks for
joining us here on Family Fight!
Take care.
Why'd they have
to air that part?
- That was the end part.
- The best part.
Yeah, they air
the whole show.
This doesn't represent
me, though.
This doesn't represent me.
That's not who I am.
So just don't air it.
It's the buzzer that was...
That just doesn't represent me.
So just don't air it!
- Is this the green room?
Yeah. - A game show. Can you guys
believe we're gonna be on a game show?
- All right, all right, relax.
- Awesome!
Guys, the green room
of Family Fight...
- I've got goose bumps.
- Yeah, all right, calm down.
Don't start acting
like an animal, here.
All right, listen, this is
Family Fight.
This is a nationally
televised program.
This is a very big deal
for us, okay?
We're talking... What are you doing?
Are you stealing an ashtray right now?
- Yeah.
- Why?
We have ashtrays, and you
don't even smoke.
This is a perfect place for me
to lay out my political agenda.
- No, no, no. No politics, man.
- What?
Because it's too
polarizing, okay?
And don't be misogynistic and
please don't be gross, I mean...
Guys, let's-let's be
smart about this.
Let's be right down the middle.
Right down the middle
sounds so boring.
That's not what
the audience wants to see.
Thinking I'm gonna do a Jenny
McCarthy thing, where I'm, like,
super sexy, but I got
a potty mouth.
Ah-ah, no, no, Dee, you are
never going to be sexy.
And do not do a potty
mouth thing, okay?
We don't want to come
across as low-brow animals.
Now, have some veggie platter
and have some fruit, okay?
- That is brain food.
- Mm-mm, no way, not me.
Haven't eaten in three days.
I don't want to be puffy.
J-Mac's face...
it's never puffy.
Yeah, because J-Mac's face is
stapled to the back of her head.
Now, eat some food.
You look emaciated and sick.
What is that?
Fart noise key chain.
Dennis, what is this
enticing bowl of white?
- This?
- Yeah.
Charlie, that...
that's cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese? Like... cheese
from some cottage? Whose cottage?
Well, like, what
is that, exactly?
How do you not
know what it is?
- Aren't you, like, a cheese guy?
- I'm not a cottage guy.
You are gonna make
us lose this game.
Here comes
the other family.
Hello.
You must be
the Reynolds family.
I'm Janet, and we're
the Barretts.
Oh.
Okay...
Hey, guys!
I'm Lisa. I'm
stage manager.
Both teams ready?
Let's play Family Fight!
It's time to play
Family Fight!
Let's give it up for your host,
Grant Anderson!
How you doing, man?
Hey, oh!
Hello! All right!
Thank you for coming out, everybody,
and welcome to Family Fight.
I'm your host,
Grant Anderson.
Today, we have
the Barrett family...
Oh, all right.
...versus the Reynolds family!
And they are here for a whole
lot of cash, so let's get it on!
Give me Janet,
give me Frank.
Here we go.
Oh... whoa.
Whoa, I didn't get a good look
at you before backstage.
Sha-booyah roll call.
Okay, all right, we got some-some
sparks flying already here.
Now, let's get up here and do this.
Come on, Frank, you ready?
- I'm ready.
- All right, man.
Top four answers on the board, here: Name
an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.
- Frank!
- Pig!
Show me pig!
All right, oh, Frank's doing
a little dance there.
Now, Frank, you want
to pass or play?
- Pass or play?
- Oh, we... we'll play.
- Play, play, play.
- We're gonna play.
All right, so, Frank... you want to tell
me a little bit about the family?
Yeah. Well, yeah, you
know, uh, Grant?
- Yes, Grant.
- I want to...
I want to change
my answer.
- What?
- Wh... what? Why?
I have realized it's-it's not
totally accurate,
because I've seen
a pig eat a man.
In fact, I've seen many
pigs eat many men.
It was a bloodbath.
Well, okay, well,
we can't do that.
I'm gonna move on, though,
'cause you're losing me here.
Yeah?
Oh, Grant... a lighthearted
barb, if you will.
So, uh, so...
His talk of pigs and man flesh is
confusing as it is frustrating.
Right.
Don't you just want to...
- I hear you, I hear you, Dennis. - You
know, you have these people in your life
- and you just want to...
- Yeah.
Now, Dennis, uh, why don't you
tell me something? What do you do?
Me? Oh, well, I am
the proprietor of,
uh, one of the most charming pubs
in all of South Philadelphia.
- All right.
- Paddy's Pub.
- Paddy's Pub! Paddy's Pub!
- Paddy's... Paddy's Pub.
Yeah.
Yeah, but listen, I am
so much more, Grant.
Um, I'm kind of a jack of all
trades, if you will.
- Okay. - So the question
really isn't "What do I do?"
It's "What don't I do?"
Wow. Now, there's a lot of
confidence right there. I like that.
- I like that, Dennis. All right.
- Yeah.
Hey, buddy, can you name an animal
that we eat but doesn't eat us?
Oh, easy. A sea urchin.
- A sea... a what now?
- Sea urchin.
- Sea urchin.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Show me sea urchin!
- Ooh, one strike.
- Oh.
One strike for
the Reynolds here.
Wow, that, uh, that buzzer
sounds... it's awfully loud.
- It is loud. - Pierces you right
down to your soul, doesn't it?
- I don't like it.
- Okay.
- I'll be fine, though.
- You're right. All right, thank you.
- Okay.
- Who do we have here?
- Hi.
- Hello... Deandra.
- Yep.
- Reynolds.
Deandra, help me out-- name an animal
that we eat but doesn't eat us.
- Well, Grant, I'll tell you what...
- Mm-hmm?
...I like to eat cock.
Whoa, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we can't say...
Lisa, are we gonna...?
See what I did there? It's a little bit
of a double entendre type of thing.
I was talking about
chicken, but I said "cock."
Yeah, don't say that word.
Please, I'm-I'm...
Just, it's a family show, so we're
just gonna go with "chicken," okay?
Show me chicken!
- Ow!
- There you go.
Okay.
- Ronald Reynolds.
- Yeah!
- Hello, sir.
- Hey!
- How you doing today?
- I'm great, Grant.
I'm just really excited to be
here with my new family.
- Oh... your new family?
- Yeah.
- Oh, a little bit of background.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, actually, just for
clarification.
Um, he raised them, but
he didn't sire them.
Now, he may have sired him--
we're not exactly sure,
- but they do live together in squalor.
- Yeah, yeah.
I actually brought
my blood bucket
in case you guys want to run his
blood and see if it all checks out.
- It'd be good to know. - Yeah, if we want
to do, like, a quick DNA sequencing...
- Yeah. - ...at the commercial break, that
actually would clear things up for everybody.
- If we could.
- It would set the record straight.
But either way, I was always the
odd man out, you know?
I mean, you know.
And then Frank, here, adopted me and now
I'm a part of the Reynolds family!
Okay, well...
We don't...
I'm... I'm just... I'm not even gonna
try to figure that one out, so...
Okay, here-here's the deal,
guys: From now on,
I'm not gonna ask you guys
any more questions at all...
- Yes. - ...other than the ones
that keep the game moving.
- Great! Yeah!
- All right?
Great!
Show me... cow!
Nope, that's me.
I say that word.
I say the "show me" part.
You just give me the answer.
- Okay, Ronald?
- Right, I'm sorry.
- Show me c...
- Don't say "show me."
- He just said that.
- Don't say it.
- He just said that.
- Just say the answer.
Show... show me..
is the part I say?
Here's the one thing... there's only
one thing in the whole world
at this moment you
shouldn't say...
- Mm-hmm?
- "Show me."
So just give me the answer,
and then I'll say sh...
You know what, go ahead and do it.
Just go ahead and do it, then.
- Do what?
- Mother of...
Show me cow!
Cow!
Good answer!
So, sadly we got to stay here.
Okay.
- Charlie?
- Yeah?
Just need you to name
an animal...
- Yeah! - ...that we eat
but doesn't eat us.
Doesn't eat us-- that's easy.
Dragon!
Charlie, do you eat dragon?
No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh,
it's-it's not a meal for peasants,
it's a meal for kings, and I'm
sort of a common man.
But they don't eat us; They, uh,
it's like a misconception.
They actually eat
gold and treasure.
That's why they're always
sitting on a big pile of it.
- Bad answer. - Bad answer.
- Bad answer.
That's-That's a bad
answer.
Okay, show me dragon!
- I told you!
- Oh, my God!
Well, astonishingly, uh,
one person surveyed
gave the answer
dragon, so...
What a world!
All right, the Reynolds family
has won round one!
- There you go, all right.
- Sha-booyah!
- All right.
- Sha-booyah!
But we got a lot more show to
go! It could be anybody's game.
We'll be right back after this
with Family Fight!
That's commercial, guys!
Back in three.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Yeah, that was, uh, that was terrible.
I mean, we're bombing out there.
This-this is exactly what
I was trying to avoid, guys.
What are you talking about?
We won that round.
Yeah, but you were being
lascivious and disgusting.
Dee was making sex jokes that were
going over like a lead balloon.
Well, at least we got all of
our answers right.
Yeah, that-that's utterly
ridiculous.
I mean, how is dragon an answer
and sea urchin isn't?
- Everyone knows... - I don't know, but
there's always a weirdo or two in those
panels who's gonna
give a stupid answer
and Charlie's always
gonna get those, right?
- So... Yeah!
- Yeah, I'll get the steal.
Plus, people don't even really
eat sea urchin, Dennis.
Most people don't
eat dragons.
Well, dragonflies.
People don't eat
dragonflies.
Don't make that noise.
I don't like it.
Just relax, would
you, Dennis?
Look, if we make asses out of ourselves,
they just won't air the episode, okay?
Okay, first of all, you don't know that,
and secondly, don't tell me to relax.
All right, don't you start
making that noise.
All right, it's not funny when they do
it, it's definitely not funny when...
Oh, goddamn it!
And welcome back to
Family Fight.
We got the Reynolds family over
here with a hundred points.
We got the Barretts
over here with zero.
Give me Bobby,
give me Dennis!
Here we go!
Okay.
Hey, Bobby, all right.
All right, somebody got a little,
a little lead in his shoes.
Uh, no.
No. No, my shoes are fine.
I assure you.
They're made of the finest
Italian leather.
The fit is perfect. Therefore,
there would be no room for lead.
All right.
The top four answers
are on the board.
We asked a hundred
people on the street,
"Name something people
groom themselves with."
Dennis!
Laser beams, Grant.
- La-Laser beams?
- Yeah, laser beam.
It's the only way to completely
obliterate the follicle.
Show me laser beam!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That noise, it's too loud.
Can we, can we just
turn it down a touch?
We cannot, we cannot.
Bobby, you got an answer?
- I got an answer.
- All right.
- Hair brush!
- Show me hair brush!
Hair brush, that's so obvious.
God, that buzzer noise!
Isn't that just
irritating as hell?
- Come on, we got to think of a steal
here, okay? - I got one, I got one!
What about, uh, uh, bleaching
cream for your facial hair?
- What the hell?!
- No, no. I-I got it.
- Drakkar Noir.
- Mm, too specific.
You know what it is?
I think it's a bride.
A bride could be
a good answer.
- What? - You can't become a groom
or get groomed without a bride.
- Oh, no, no... - Right, right. That's not
the kind of grooming they're talking about.
I don't know.
Charlie could be right.
- Uh, yeah, I... I got dragon.
- No, he's not, he's not right!
Because nobody else
is that stupid.
Show me pumice stone!
All right, here we go.
Reynolds family for the steal!
No, no, we're not
gonna say that.
The comb, a comb!
I'm gonna go with...
toe knife.
With what now?
With a toe knife 'cause
I-I use a-a sharp blade
to dig the scum out
of my toenails.
Once in a while, I cut myself,
but it puses up and in three
days, it's good as new.
- Sure.
- Toe knife!
Way more information than
we needed, but, uh...
show me toe knife.
Okay, the Barretts win the board!
There you go! All right!
Okay, let's see-see what that
last answer was.
Bride!
- Charlie was right.
- I knew it.
Do you, do you groom
a bride, Lisa?
All right, hey, let's get onto
that last round now!
I need some Dee, I need a little
bit of Lester! Come on down!
Okay.
Come on, Dee!
All right.
Okay, here we go-- top six
answers are on the board.
Name something that
people are afraid of.
Oh, oopsie-daisy!
Looks like I, I broke it.
- You think?
- Oops.
Can't believe that's...
Ain't never seen anything
like that in my life.
What do you got, hands
made of anvils?
You want me to answer that or
answer the-- this one?
- I don't want you to answer either
of them, okay? - Yeah, sorry.
Because I don't know who won
- because you broke the machine.
- That makes sense.
- Right? Okay?
- It makes sense, yeah.
Okay, everybody, we're gonna
take a couple seconds.
- We'll be right back after this.
- Okay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Start thinking of a steal because if
we get this one, we win the game.
All right, all right.
What's the question?
- Things people are afraid of.
- That's still the question?
- Yeah... - How do you not know
how the game works by now?
Okay, I'm afraid of
game show rules.
- You guys, I know what it is.
- Yeah?
- It's failure.
- That's too pathetic.
Liberal yahoos
taking my guns.
That-that is a political
firestorm, Frank. No!
Oh, oh! The Nightman.
All right, guys, these are
terrible answers, all right?
Now, normally I would've said
the crust on a crème brûlée
burning the top of your mouth, but
I'm thinking like a commoner now
and I really do think that
the right answer is probably...
clowns.
- That's a good answer.
- I know.
I feel like it could
be Nightman.
No, I feel like it isn't
the Nightman...
- He could be right, dude.
- I've got a lot...
Show me dogs!
God ****!
Okay, Reynolds, you get a chance to steal
and win the whole game right here.
Name something that
people are afraid of.
- We're gonna go with...
- Wait, wait, wait, Frank.
You have to say it in
the form of a question.
- What is...?
- No, you don't, you don't...
you don't have to do that
'cause it's not Jeopardy.
- Ah, it's not Jeopardy.
- All right?
- Say "show me," Frank.
- Don't say "show me," Frank.
Just say the word.
Just say the word.
- Show me clowns!
- All right.
Show me clowns!
Yeah! We did it!
We did it!
And the Reynolds
win the game!
The Reynolds win the game!
Sha-booyah, sha-booyah,
sha-booyah, you lose!
Sha-booyah, sha-booyah,
sha-booyah, you lose!
All right, okay.
So, anyway...
let's take a look
at the last one, everybody.
"Nightman."
Don't know what that is.
- Just don't know what it is.
- What is happening?
Pretty strange
answers today!
All right, man. Uh, we're gonna come
right back and play some Fast Money.
We'll see you right
after these messages.
- How the hell was "Nightman"
an answer? - Right.
Dude, I think I'm
remembering what happened.
I took this survey.
I got interviewed at a mall and I thought
it was, like, a government thing.
- Oh...
- Okay, all right.
That makes a lot
more sense.
That's actually the only
thing that makes sense.
Right? Okay. So I should play Fast Money,
because I'm gonna know all the answers.
No, no, no, you're only gonna
know your answers.
And that's only gonna get us one
point for every question.
We need to get all the top
answers to win Fast Money.
Right, totally, totally.
And then we spin the wheel.
Okay, you're definitely not gonna
play, 'cause you can't understand
- a thing that's happening.
- I'll play.
No, you won't play, because
you've been nothing but gross
and foul and polarizing
the entire time.
You're embarrassing me in front
of the whole nation. Dee...
Mmm.
- ...you and I are gonna play.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Can I do my fart keychain?
Absolutely goddamn not.
Okay, now go get something to
eat, you look terrible.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm very hungry, but I'm not gonna
blow it now. This is my close-up.
God, don't be a dumb, hungry
bitch the entire time.
- Guys, we're back.
- Ooh!
Okay, all right, you're going
first, Dee, you're going first.
Come on, Dee, go, Dee!
Here we go.
All right, we are back with Fast
Money, here with Dee Reynolds.
But first, there's somebody who
wants to say something to you.
Hey, Reynolds family!
Win $20,000 and bring home the
money for Paddy's Pub!
Yeah, all right.
I'm done dancing like a monkey.
Give me my five bucks, Charlie.
Ha-ha, wow!
That was a rough video, right there.
That dude is hard on the eyes.
Yeah. He's all burned up.
- We couldn't get anybody else?
- No.
Okay, you ready, Dee?
Oh, you better believe it.
But, uh...
- Mm-hmm? - ...first, hold on a...
hold on a second,
- there's, um...
- Yeah?
- There's, uh...
- You okay?
- Ooh! Yeah.
- You all right?
Uh, yes... there's a... just
a quick bit I wanted to, uh...
Oof.
Oh, whoops-a-daisy.
That's about as low-brow
as it gets.
Yeah, Dennis isn't
gonna like that.
- It's pretty funny, though.
- Okay, new plan.
All right.
This is not good.
So we're back here with, uh,
Fast Money here.
Uh, now we got Frank
doing it, 'cause...
people just be faintin'
up in here, so, okay,
give me 30 seconds
on the clock.
Name something you thought
existed when you were a child.
Santa Claus.
Name something you might
find in a bathtub.
Soap!
Name something
people add sugar to.
Coffee.
A thing you associate with
Charlie Chaplin.
Little mustache.
Name a foreign country whose
films are popular in America.
France.
Damn!
You did it, man...
Oh, oh, that was so good!
That was so good, Frank!
Hey, you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
- Frank did great.
- Frank?
- Yeah, uh, Dee passed out.
- She... of course she did.
- She's so embarrassing.
- Right.
All right, here we go, everybody. We're
gonna bring Dennis out right now.
Here he is, Dennis Reynolds.
- Here we go.
- Yeah, Dennis.
All right.
Okay.
Now, Dennis...
Frank got the number one answer
for every single question,
so you only need five
points to win the game.
- Okay, I can do it.
- Okay?
- Now, Grant, listen, I know I gave
some bad answers before... - Yes.
...but I understand
the game perfectly now,
and, uh, that does
not represent me.
- Okay, I like that.
- Okay? So I'm ready to give good answers.
- I like that.
- That does represent me.
All right, that sounds good,
that sounds good.
If you repeat any of Frank's answers,
you're gonna hear this sound...
- ...and then...
- Thought we were done with the buzzer.
- Only if you repeat an answer.
- Even in this round?
- Yes, even in this round. Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
If you don't know an answer,
you can say "pass"
- and we'll just move on
to the next question. - Okay.
- All right, are you ready?
- Yes, yes.
30 seconds on the clock.
Name something you thought
existed when you were a child.
Santa Claus.
Oh, God... uh, pass.
Name something you might
find in a bathtub.
S... uh, soap.
Ah! God, I really
hate that buzzer.
- Can we not do that?
- Clock's ticking, clock's ticking.
- Okay, uh, pass.
- Name something people add sugar to.
God...
coffee.
Oh, God...
Nope, we gotta...
we need an answer.
Yeah, no, no, okay, no, then
pass, then pass, 'cause...
A thing you associate
with Charlie Chaplin.
Mmm... pass.
Okay, name a foreign country whose
films are popular in America.
France.
- Oh, God, no, no!
- Already said that.
Oh, God, France. France.
France. France.
- That's still not the answer.
- Little mustache.
Soap, soap, France.
- Something else!
- It won't stop!
He said that already.
Don't say "France."
- Give up.
- All right, I have never seen
a more embarrassing display
in my entire career.
Oh, please don't air this.
Okay? Please don't...
don't air this... you
won't air this, right?
Oh, no, no, we definitely air it. We
always air it. No matter what, we air it.
- That's how we do it, my friend.
- It just went so wrong...
Good night, everybody! Thanks for
joining us here on Family Fight!
Take care.
Why'd they have
to air that part?
- That was the end part.
- The best part.
Yeah, they air
the whole show.
This doesn't represent
me, though.
This doesn't represent me.
That's not who I am.
So just don't air it.
It's the buzzer that was...
That just doesn't represent me.
So just don't air it!