It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 10 - Ass Kickers United: Mac and Charlie Join a Cult - full transcript
Mac and Charlie become brain washed by a cult.
My apartment is not a spa.
Dennis and I are
gonna take a soak.
You and Dennis are going
to bathe together?
It's that Turkish
bath thing.
- What are you worried about?
- I'm not worried about anything,
but my apartment is not
a Turkish bath, okay?
Well, Dee, you know, this is
Dennis's apartment now, too.
No. No, goddamn it,
it's not, all right?
Mac and Dennis do
not live here.
Just... So sick of you guys doing
your stupid shit in my place.
What the hell is this?!
One more! Wah!
Stop!
- Hey!
- Oh!
- Good set, boys!
- What are you doing?
Oh, Dee, this is Jojo,
Tiny, Charlie you know.
I don't care.
Together, we are Ass
Kickers United.
Oh, you guys,
come on, please,
I don't want you doing your
weird routines in here!
It's not a routine, Dee, and there
is nothing weird about this, okay?
Ass Kickers United
is a way of life,
based on the life improvement
teachings of the Master.
What kind of cult
shit is that?
No, no, it's not
a cult, Frank.
The Master is the only human
to ever achieve enlightenment
through the way
of the warrior.
Stop, two, three.
One, two, three, four.
Stop.
Come on! Goddamn it!
Frank, I can't get this Fight
Milk out of the goddamn couch!
Oh! Shit!
It burned a hole
in the cushion!
That's probably the crotein.
Don't get that on your skin!
Oh! Frank, Frank, sorry I'm
late, man, but, uh, good news.
I brought checkers.
Oh, what's up, Dee?
I got dominoes, and what
the hell is going on?
Your place looks like shit.
What happened?
Yeah, yeah, it does. I'll tell you
what happened. Mac and his goddamn
Ass Blasters Incorporated were
in here jerking around all day.
Mac, Charlie and a bunch of
goons started a queer club.
- Hmm.
- They got a newsletter.
Oh, shit.
Ass Kickers United.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- Dee, Mac didn't start this club.
- I did.
- What are you talking about?
Yeah. I, uh... I just made this
shit up about Ass Kickers United
to get Mac to stop
eating my Thin Mints.
Huh?
You know how Mac is all
irritating and shit?
- Of course.
- The worst!
Right, well, he was doing
all this irritating shit,
and he was driving
me crazy.
Worst of all, he was eating
all my Thin Mint cookies,
and, so, you know, playing on
Mac's physical insecurities,
I decided I would get in
his head a little bit,
so I created this Master
character, all right?
I typed up this
newsletter, which was,
you know, mostly about fitness and, like,
just kicking ass at life in general,
- just kind of speaking
Mac's language. - Mm.
But mostly, I was speaking of the dangers
of consuming too many Thin Mint cookies.
And I'll tell you, man,
it worked like a charm,
'cause he stopped eating Thin
Mints almost immediately.
- That is extremely impressive.
- Oh.
Dennis, I missed most
of that last part.
Run it by me again.
Frank, I just spoke for five straight
minutes. I'm not doing it again.
- Dennis started a cult.
- No, I didn't start a cult.
Yeah, sure sounds like a cult.
Hey, I got a great idea.
Why don't you type up
another newsletter
and tell Mac and his dum-dum friends
to go and fix up your apartment, right?
That way, you guys can get
the hell out of my place.
Or maybe get some
broads involved.
Cults are great for
attracting New Age tail.
No, guys, you can't go straight
to fixing apartments and getting young,
New Age tail. You can't do that.
That takes years of brainwashing.
But here's the problem. If you don't
do that and write the newsletter
and fix up the apartment, then
I'm just gonna rat you out.
No. Come on, Dee.
I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to.
You know why? 'Cause I'm up to here.
All right, I've had a very
bad day, all right?!
- I'm at the end of my rope, if I'm being
honest. - Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.
All right, look, I'll test
the waters a little bit, okay,
see if we can get
'em there slowly.
Maybe you can get 'em
to eat a shit sandwich.
That would be fun.
Why the hell would I...?
What? No, this isn't about fun.
This is about... it's about Thin
Mints, goddamn it! Right?
And the reason I'm so good at this
is because I take it seriously.
Now, just watch and learn.
Listen up!
According
to the Master, guys,
we're not getting
enough vitamin D,
so these stickers harness
the power of the sun
and deliver it directly
to our bodies, okay?
And, apparently, guys,
there's another exercise.
- Yes, sensei!
- Yeah!
All right, now, they're called hammer
jerks, and it's sort of like a...
- hammer, then you bend.
- Mm-hmm.
- Then you snap, then you jerk.
- Ow.
- Then a hammer.
- Hammer.
- Ow! Bend.
- Bend, snap.
- Damn it.
- Jerk.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hammer, bend, snap, jerk.
Hammer...
I can't believe they went
for the sticker thing.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, so, time to dial
it up a notch.
Let's put 'em to work and get
'em to your apartment.
Yeah, we can't just
dive into that shit.
We talked about this.
It's a slow burn.
They're wearing sticks on
their heads. They're there.
Look, look, look, stop.
You guys are going crazy.
You're gonna blow the Thin Mint thing.
Will you just trust me? I got this.
I am the Master. I'm gonna
get you what you want.
You just got to let
me do my thing.
- That-that-that sounds good.
- Mm, yeah, okay.
- You gonna goddamn
blow this for me? - No.
- You gonna blow the Thin
Mint thing? - No.
"The Master sayeth."
Mm-hmm.
"Kicking ass in life
is all about drywall."
And pussy. Put "pussy."
Goddamn, Frank, don't say "pussy."
It's disgusting. I'm not putting it.
- Hmm. - "To be a total badass,
you must learn carpentry."
Hmm.
"Fixing apartments is
what you must do."
And buy Wolf Cola.
- Let's make some coin.
- Okay.
"And buy Wolf Cola, the only
cola for true refreshment."
- That's good.
- "Splash into the beast."
- Mm-hmm, that's great.
- I know it is.
Cool it with the jerky, will you?
You're driving me nuts.
Now, put-put "bring pussy."
- Goddamn it. All right. Fine. Hey, listen.
- Just put it in.
This is what I'll do.
"Ladies are now mandatory.
"Each of you dick bags must
recruit at least one woman."
- Should we put anything else?
- Make 'em eat a shit sandwich.
What is it with you
and the shit sandwich?
Do you really want to see somebody
take a roll and stick doody in it,
and then they put
it in their mouth?
- God, you are so gross.
- Eh...
Okay, so, how much
for the Wolf Colas?
- Five bucks a piece.
- Okay, great.
- Ma, how many you want?
- I'll take three.
Okay. And Mrs. Mac?
She'll have one.
- Huh? - One. Any more caffeine than
that, and she will not stop talking.
Really? Oh, kind of
want to see that.
- Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you
for a second? - Yeah. What's up?
Um, does all this seem
kind of strange to you?
Huh? Uh, oh, you mean
the Wolf Cola thing?
Yeah. I was wondering. Like, how does
the Master know about Wolf Cola?
Oh, he's an aficionado
of all beverages.
He's gonna know
the finest of colas.
Oh, oh, you mean the
carpentry thing. Yeah.
No. Throughout history, uh, Ass
Kickers have always known carpentry.
- Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.
- Right, okay.
- What are you talking about?
- The women.
- Oh. - The women, dude. This is
supposed to be a men's club, you know?
- Who wants that around?
- Oh. Uh...
I don't know. I'm
kind of cool with it.
Also, I don't ever remember anything
in the newsletters about no women.
It could not have been more
clear: No women, no gays.
I don't ever remember you
reading anything about that.
It was implied, okay?
Look, in these kind of texts, you need
to be able to in-infer what's be...
Look, I'll explain it to you later.
I think I'm just gonna...
I needed some time off.
Whoa. Hey, man, you can't take
a day off from kicking ass, okay?
Look, an Ass Kicker must be
present every day.
An Ass Kicker must do the exercises.
An Ass Kicker must avoid Thin Mints.
I know the rules, okay?
I don't need to...
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
- I'm just gonna go.
- You're just gonna go?!
I mean...
I mean...
Okay, I'm taking the men with
me, and Frank's got the women.
Oh, cool. Are you
an Ass Kicker now?
I'm an Ass Kicker now.
Sweet. All right.
Who signed you up?
- The dumb one.
- Oh, Tiny?
No, no, no. The one eating
paint chips off the wall.
These taste like paint.
Uh, yeah, those are paint
chips there, pal.
- These are?
- Yeah.
- Oh, they're delicious.
- Yeah, that's the good paint.
- Let's go.
- All right, let's go.
Hey, we're gonna, uh,
go swing some hammers.
Oh, you guys, it's so great
that you do construction.
I mean, this is just gonna be easy-- just
slap a couple coats of paint around,
maybe a couple of new doors. You're
gonna be in and out in a few hours.
Yeah.
Oh!
Wow! Shit.
No wall! That's...
pretty awesome.
- Okay, boys, let's get to work.
- Yeah.
Look, I do construction
for a living.
I mean, I thought Ass Kickers was
just some sort of fun workout club--
- you know, like... CrossFit.
- CrossFit.
Hey, man, you don't want
to take this seriously?
Hey, that's fine.
Why don't you give me those
stickers back, then?
Uh, no, I'm coming down with
a cold and I need mine.
Did you do, like, your
deer antler spray?
- Some. But I'm running lower.
- Have some of mine. Here.
All right, you know what, I
overreacted, boys.
I overreacted. I snapped at you,
and the Master wouldn't like that.
And I'm sorry.
I think maybe this
is my mission
and my calling, so why don't you
guys find some other mission
and I'll handle
this one, okay?
- Thanks, Charlie.
- All right, cool.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Goddamn it, Charlie.
It's fine. You know, the guys have been
working their asses off. I got this. Look.
Dee, the Master
says fix it...
I'm gonna fix it.
♪ ♪
Frank, is that you?
Missed you in there, pal.
Still pretty steamy, though,
if you want to hop in and...
- What the hell's this?
- Just watching a little TV.
Are those Thin Mints?
Oh, yeah, big-time, dude.
I love these things.
I notice, uh... you're looking
a little out of shape there, bud.
- I am?
- Yeah.
Yeah, and it's a shame, too, because
you've been looking so great lately.
- So sexy.
- I was?
Yeah, so to see this
is just disappointing.
To me, but, you know...
This disappoints you?
Yeah. What-what
are you doing?
You taking a day off or
something, is that okay?
I'm sure the Master allows
for that, though, right?
Well, I'm not really
sure about that.
Oh, you're not sure, yeah.
Did the Master not make that
crystal goddamn clear?
In all those newsletters?
Was that not clear?
- I didn't... I didn't read
into it like that. - Wow, wow.
I mean, I haven't read
the things, but I've just...
you guys have been
telling me and...
Thin Mints, from what I understand,
that was a whole thing.
I think that was,
like, rule number...
- Oh, shit.
- I... yeah.
I-I... I may have...
I messed up a little bit.
I hope he doesn't notice
the fat that I'm noticing
sort of accumulated all over.
But hey, maybe he won't notice.
I noticed, but maybe he won't.
- Y-You don't think he would, or...
- No, I think he will.
Uh, do you mind if
I use the computer?
I'm just gonna grab this and take it
over here for a little bit, okay?
Mmm.
...and snap it back!
Bend and snap.
How's that neck, Cindy?
Everything good?
How are the muscles?
You feeling okay?
You may want to soak
'em a little bit.
- Actually, I feel great.
- Oh, you feel great.
Frank, I'm in
tremendous pain.
I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to her.
I can't breathe.
Oh, she needs a cigarette break.
Could we stop, please?
I don't care what she needs.
I'm not talking to you.
Do whatever you want.
I'm trying to hurt her.
What?
Uh, well, it's... it... you have
to tear the fascial tissues
in order to tone
the muscles properly.
- According to the Master.
- Oh. Okay.
So you bend and you snap.
But snap your head back.
Bend... you see it?
- Frank...
- And snap!
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
We need to talk.
Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep
working. Go ahead.
- Yeah, okay, you got it.
- Hey, listen.
We gotta make a bit
of an adjustment.
Tiny and Jojo, they don't
want to do the construction,
so I was looking into what cults
do to force people into labor
when the mind tricks don't work, and one
of them was a personality test, right?
You basically just get a bunch of dirt on
people and you hold it over their heads.
So, blackmail.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
So this is a basic personality test.
It's really simple.
It just measures the amount of guilt
stressors that you're feeling.
You know, I took it, and I
just... it's changed my life.
Yeah, Dee, what... what
are guilt stressors?
Oh, great question,
great question.
Apparently, secrets and lies
lead to guilt stressors
and that's not good, you guys.
You know why?
It impedes muscle
development.
- I have read that. - Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, it's science. Yeah, it's just
basic science. - Oh, shit. Yeah.
It does sound like
good science.
So you guys just hang on to that machine
and talk about all your regrets.
And what are
regrets, again?
Y-You just talk about things
you feel really guilty about.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay. Uh, okay.
- Do you want to...
- Yeah, I'll go.
- Uh, Dee, where do my feet go?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
Okay, uh...
I ate a baby toad once.
I'm not proud of it.
Uh, just kind of happened.
It pains me to think about how scared
and confused it was and wondering,
"Why am I not home, and why am
I in some sort of acid pond..."
- Okay.
- "...that's burning my skin?"
And what if it was looking for
its mother? It was just a baby.
Oh, yeah, I got an idea.
- How about we let one of these guys,
uh, give it a shot. - Are you sure?
- 'Cause I don't really feel better,
but all right. - Oh, I'll go. Yeah.
- Where do my feet go, Dee?
- Dee, his feet?
It doesn't make
a goddamn difference.
- Okay. I ate a toad, too.
- Oh, God.
- Really?
- I did.
- Am I good, am I good? Okay.
- Yeah, yeah. Do it again.
Go ahead.
Oh, I feel the burn.
Yeah, how's-how's the neck
feeling? How's the neck?
You know, it's not bad.
It's actually a little tight.
It's a little tight.
Well, how about if we hop
in the healing pool...
- Okay. - ...and I'll give
you some touch therapy,
so you don't seem too
weak for the Master.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I don't suppose that could hurt.
- No, that won't hurt.
Oh, shit.
Oh, hi.
The water's wonderful.
When did you get in here?
Oh, you don't mind that we
came in first, do you?
There's plenty of room.
No, how long are
you gonna be?
- Well...
- Oh, man...
She thinks she has a tear
in her uterine wall,
so it might be a while.
All right. Let's-let's go...
I'm gonna go do a few more
sets of KettlePops while, uh,
- running the block a few times.
- Yeah, nice.
- Don't want to disappoint
the Master. - Mm-hmm.
- You want to come? - Go, you go
get yourself good and banged up.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah...
Guys, guys, guys, there's been
a mistake, a terrible mistake.
I got a new newsletter
from the Master.
There's gonna be no more women,
no more Wolf Cola and no more
carpentry in Ass Kickers United.
This has all been a test
designed by the Master
to figure out who
the true believers are.
I passed, you failed and that's
why I'm going to level two.
Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be level two
as well, but he'll be directly under me.
Wh-What? Where'd you
get that from?
- Uh, it was implied
in the newsletter. - No.
Well, how is Dennis
in level two?
Or an Ass Kicker,
for that matter?
Oh, he bought in.
- He... bought in? - Come on, Ass
Kickers, let's get out of here
before we're tainted by
these disgusting women.
- All right. Crazy.
- Cool!
Failed that test.
Go kick some ass, huh?
Go kick some ass!
Thought you could outmaster
the Master, idiots?
So you swayed 'em back.
Uh, whatever.
- We can do that, too.
- Dee, you think this is easy?
You need years of practice to even
sniff my talent for manipulation.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cult
that needs a charismatic leader.
Yeah.
Goddamn it, Frank.
Goddamn it! No.
No, we cannot let him
get away with this.
No, this is about something different
now, something much more important.
Shit sandwich?
What? Why? What is that?
No. God.
No, this is about
control now.
This is about control and it's
about beating Dennis.
I know exactly what
we need to do.
Deandra, we're all set.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- He's out?
- He's lit.
I have so much alcohol, and I gave
him three bottles of Fight Milk.
Whoa. That's a lot.
Okay, you ready?
Got your cards?
- Okay.
- Okay. Here we go.
Charlie.
Charlie.
Say it louder.
- Charlie, wake up!
- Huh?
What's... what's...
What's happening?
It is I...
the Master!
- Am I dreaming?
- You're having a vision.
- Am I peeing?
- Uh...
Is he peeing?
Just read the card.
You and the other Ass
Kickers must con...
con...
- What's that word?
- Congregate.
Congregate?
What does that mean?
It doesn't matter.
Just say it.
Congregate.
- What does that mean?
- Oh, God. You know what? Just...
Hey, Charlie, hey.
Get all the Ass Kickers together and meet
at Mac and Dennis's apartment, okay?
Lord Zolo is gonna get
you on the mother ship.
Lord Zolo?
Charlie... you've graduated
to the next level. Congratulations.
And your reward is to get to know
all the secrets of the universe.
Yeah, there's just a few
things you have to do.
Okay. I'll do them.
- I'm peeing.
- Uh-oh.
Oh...
Okay, you guys, ready...
Holy shit!
Whoa! What the hell
happened in here?
Hey, do you like it?
Yeah, well, before Master Rex
said that we weren't
supposed to do carpentry,
I talked to Tiny and Jojo and they
got their construction crew in here.
- There's a wall. - Oh, you're
goddamn right there's a wall.
I'm good. Dennis is
gonna shit his pants.
Yeah... why?
What are you good at?
Good at my... I'm a good
person, and you know what?
It's time to... to do the plan
that the Master laid out, right?
I'm gonna take Tiny in the other room
and make the pods ready. Come on, Tiny.
- Oh, we got pods?
- You're so lucky.
- Yeah.
- Of course we got pods.
Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys on that
mother ship with him, you need pods.
Am I right, Master?
- Do-Do I get a pod?
- Okay, guys, guys, guys...
We got a... wow.
Holy shit.
That's a wall.
Yeah. This place
looks great.
You're goddamn right
this place looks great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty
impressive stuff, Dee, but,
uh... it doesn't
seal the deal.
Guys, I've got
an announcement to make.
Yeah, we've got
some big news here.
The Master texted me while we
were on our way over here.
Oh, interesting.
Uh, I wonder how it's possible that
the Master could've texted you
when he's been here
with us the whole time.
Rex is the Master?
- That makes so much sense.
- Yep. Yes.
- Oh, my... - Of course I
know that Rex is the Master,
and of course I would never question
the word of someone so... wise.
But I actually got a text from
the Supreme Overlord Master.
- And that's Rex's master.
- Oh, shit.
"Oh, shit," is right, you guys.
That's the... he's the big guy.
He sits right at the tippy-tippy-top,
and he made it very,
very clear to me that all
of you are going to need to...
commit suicide.
Tits! I knew it!
The final circle.
Yeah, okay, sure, but
hang on a second.
- Can I please talk to you for just
a quick second? - Sure, sure, sure.
Now, why don't you guys get yourselves
all lathered up in lighter fluid
- and, uh, you're gonna get ready to light
yourselves ablaze. - Thank you, thank you!
- Thanks for trusting me.
- Yeah, of course.
I did it. I won.
I am the most
charismatic leader.
I got Tiny to eat
a shit sandwich.
- Ugh!
- Oh! Goddamn it!
- I got him to eat a poopy.
- You idiot!
I got these guys to think they
were going to another dimension.
- I'm the winner.
- Are you kidding me?
They were gonna light
themselves on fire for me.
- I'm the winner.
- Oh...
Guys, guys, hang on a second.
The winner of what?
The... the Ass Kickers, okay?
The winner of the Ass Kickers.
It-it's mine, it's not theirs.
- What? - It's mine, it's... the whole
thing's made up, I made it up.
Master Rex, is this true?
- Oh, don't ask Rex. What...?
- The fire is started.
Thank you so much for
trusting me with this.
- This is good-bye!
- No... goddamn it, no!
- No, man, don't do it!
- Oh!
Run!
Hey! We'll get you
some help, okay?
- We'll call the fire department.
- Yeah.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- And then we'll go to Dee's.
- Yeah, right?
- No, no, can't we go anywhere else?
- No, Dee.
What if the Supreme Overlord
tries to contact us?
- He has to know where we are.
- Yeah, exact-exactly.
All right, well, at least he's
on the mother ship now.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God! Unbelievable!
Come on, let's go.
- Good luck, Jojo!
- Thank you!
Dennis and I are
gonna take a soak.
You and Dennis are going
to bathe together?
It's that Turkish
bath thing.
- What are you worried about?
- I'm not worried about anything,
but my apartment is not
a Turkish bath, okay?
Well, Dee, you know, this is
Dennis's apartment now, too.
No. No, goddamn it,
it's not, all right?
Mac and Dennis do
not live here.
Just... So sick of you guys doing
your stupid shit in my place.
What the hell is this?!
One more! Wah!
Stop!
- Hey!
- Oh!
- Good set, boys!
- What are you doing?
Oh, Dee, this is Jojo,
Tiny, Charlie you know.
I don't care.
Together, we are Ass
Kickers United.
Oh, you guys,
come on, please,
I don't want you doing your
weird routines in here!
It's not a routine, Dee, and there
is nothing weird about this, okay?
Ass Kickers United
is a way of life,
based on the life improvement
teachings of the Master.
What kind of cult
shit is that?
No, no, it's not
a cult, Frank.
The Master is the only human
to ever achieve enlightenment
through the way
of the warrior.
Stop, two, three.
One, two, three, four.
Stop.
Come on! Goddamn it!
Frank, I can't get this Fight
Milk out of the goddamn couch!
Oh! Shit!
It burned a hole
in the cushion!
That's probably the crotein.
Don't get that on your skin!
Oh! Frank, Frank, sorry I'm
late, man, but, uh, good news.
I brought checkers.
Oh, what's up, Dee?
I got dominoes, and what
the hell is going on?
Your place looks like shit.
What happened?
Yeah, yeah, it does. I'll tell you
what happened. Mac and his goddamn
Ass Blasters Incorporated were
in here jerking around all day.
Mac, Charlie and a bunch of
goons started a queer club.
- Hmm.
- They got a newsletter.
Oh, shit.
Ass Kickers United.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- Dee, Mac didn't start this club.
- I did.
- What are you talking about?
Yeah. I, uh... I just made this
shit up about Ass Kickers United
to get Mac to stop
eating my Thin Mints.
Huh?
You know how Mac is all
irritating and shit?
- Of course.
- The worst!
Right, well, he was doing
all this irritating shit,
and he was driving
me crazy.
Worst of all, he was eating
all my Thin Mint cookies,
and, so, you know, playing on
Mac's physical insecurities,
I decided I would get in
his head a little bit,
so I created this Master
character, all right?
I typed up this
newsletter, which was,
you know, mostly about fitness and, like,
just kicking ass at life in general,
- just kind of speaking
Mac's language. - Mm.
But mostly, I was speaking of the dangers
of consuming too many Thin Mint cookies.
And I'll tell you, man,
it worked like a charm,
'cause he stopped eating Thin
Mints almost immediately.
- That is extremely impressive.
- Oh.
Dennis, I missed most
of that last part.
Run it by me again.
Frank, I just spoke for five straight
minutes. I'm not doing it again.
- Dennis started a cult.
- No, I didn't start a cult.
Yeah, sure sounds like a cult.
Hey, I got a great idea.
Why don't you type up
another newsletter
and tell Mac and his dum-dum friends
to go and fix up your apartment, right?
That way, you guys can get
the hell out of my place.
Or maybe get some
broads involved.
Cults are great for
attracting New Age tail.
No, guys, you can't go straight
to fixing apartments and getting young,
New Age tail. You can't do that.
That takes years of brainwashing.
But here's the problem. If you don't
do that and write the newsletter
and fix up the apartment, then
I'm just gonna rat you out.
No. Come on, Dee.
I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to.
You know why? 'Cause I'm up to here.
All right, I've had a very
bad day, all right?!
- I'm at the end of my rope, if I'm being
honest. - Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.
All right, look, I'll test
the waters a little bit, okay,
see if we can get
'em there slowly.
Maybe you can get 'em
to eat a shit sandwich.
That would be fun.
Why the hell would I...?
What? No, this isn't about fun.
This is about... it's about Thin
Mints, goddamn it! Right?
And the reason I'm so good at this
is because I take it seriously.
Now, just watch and learn.
Listen up!
According
to the Master, guys,
we're not getting
enough vitamin D,
so these stickers harness
the power of the sun
and deliver it directly
to our bodies, okay?
And, apparently, guys,
there's another exercise.
- Yes, sensei!
- Yeah!
All right, now, they're called hammer
jerks, and it's sort of like a...
- hammer, then you bend.
- Mm-hmm.
- Then you snap, then you jerk.
- Ow.
- Then a hammer.
- Hammer.
- Ow! Bend.
- Bend, snap.
- Damn it.
- Jerk.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hammer, bend, snap, jerk.
Hammer...
I can't believe they went
for the sticker thing.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, so, time to dial
it up a notch.
Let's put 'em to work and get
'em to your apartment.
Yeah, we can't just
dive into that shit.
We talked about this.
It's a slow burn.
They're wearing sticks on
their heads. They're there.
Look, look, look, stop.
You guys are going crazy.
You're gonna blow the Thin Mint thing.
Will you just trust me? I got this.
I am the Master. I'm gonna
get you what you want.
You just got to let
me do my thing.
- That-that-that sounds good.
- Mm, yeah, okay.
- You gonna goddamn
blow this for me? - No.
- You gonna blow the Thin
Mint thing? - No.
"The Master sayeth."
Mm-hmm.
"Kicking ass in life
is all about drywall."
And pussy. Put "pussy."
Goddamn, Frank, don't say "pussy."
It's disgusting. I'm not putting it.
- Hmm. - "To be a total badass,
you must learn carpentry."
Hmm.
"Fixing apartments is
what you must do."
And buy Wolf Cola.
- Let's make some coin.
- Okay.
"And buy Wolf Cola, the only
cola for true refreshment."
- That's good.
- "Splash into the beast."
- Mm-hmm, that's great.
- I know it is.
Cool it with the jerky, will you?
You're driving me nuts.
Now, put-put "bring pussy."
- Goddamn it. All right. Fine. Hey, listen.
- Just put it in.
This is what I'll do.
"Ladies are now mandatory.
"Each of you dick bags must
recruit at least one woman."
- Should we put anything else?
- Make 'em eat a shit sandwich.
What is it with you
and the shit sandwich?
Do you really want to see somebody
take a roll and stick doody in it,
and then they put
it in their mouth?
- God, you are so gross.
- Eh...
Okay, so, how much
for the Wolf Colas?
- Five bucks a piece.
- Okay, great.
- Ma, how many you want?
- I'll take three.
Okay. And Mrs. Mac?
She'll have one.
- Huh? - One. Any more caffeine than
that, and she will not stop talking.
Really? Oh, kind of
want to see that.
- Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you
for a second? - Yeah. What's up?
Um, does all this seem
kind of strange to you?
Huh? Uh, oh, you mean
the Wolf Cola thing?
Yeah. I was wondering. Like, how does
the Master know about Wolf Cola?
Oh, he's an aficionado
of all beverages.
He's gonna know
the finest of colas.
Oh, oh, you mean the
carpentry thing. Yeah.
No. Throughout history, uh, Ass
Kickers have always known carpentry.
- Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.
- Right, okay.
- What are you talking about?
- The women.
- Oh. - The women, dude. This is
supposed to be a men's club, you know?
- Who wants that around?
- Oh. Uh...
I don't know. I'm
kind of cool with it.
Also, I don't ever remember anything
in the newsletters about no women.
It could not have been more
clear: No women, no gays.
I don't ever remember you
reading anything about that.
It was implied, okay?
Look, in these kind of texts, you need
to be able to in-infer what's be...
Look, I'll explain it to you later.
I think I'm just gonna...
I needed some time off.
Whoa. Hey, man, you can't take
a day off from kicking ass, okay?
Look, an Ass Kicker must be
present every day.
An Ass Kicker must do the exercises.
An Ass Kicker must avoid Thin Mints.
I know the rules, okay?
I don't need to...
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
- I'm just gonna go.
- You're just gonna go?!
I mean...
I mean...
Okay, I'm taking the men with
me, and Frank's got the women.
Oh, cool. Are you
an Ass Kicker now?
I'm an Ass Kicker now.
Sweet. All right.
Who signed you up?
- The dumb one.
- Oh, Tiny?
No, no, no. The one eating
paint chips off the wall.
These taste like paint.
Uh, yeah, those are paint
chips there, pal.
- These are?
- Yeah.
- Oh, they're delicious.
- Yeah, that's the good paint.
- Let's go.
- All right, let's go.
Hey, we're gonna, uh,
go swing some hammers.
Oh, you guys, it's so great
that you do construction.
I mean, this is just gonna be easy-- just
slap a couple coats of paint around,
maybe a couple of new doors. You're
gonna be in and out in a few hours.
Yeah.
Oh!
Wow! Shit.
No wall! That's...
pretty awesome.
- Okay, boys, let's get to work.
- Yeah.
Look, I do construction
for a living.
I mean, I thought Ass Kickers was
just some sort of fun workout club--
- you know, like... CrossFit.
- CrossFit.
Hey, man, you don't want
to take this seriously?
Hey, that's fine.
Why don't you give me those
stickers back, then?
Uh, no, I'm coming down with
a cold and I need mine.
Did you do, like, your
deer antler spray?
- Some. But I'm running lower.
- Have some of mine. Here.
All right, you know what, I
overreacted, boys.
I overreacted. I snapped at you,
and the Master wouldn't like that.
And I'm sorry.
I think maybe this
is my mission
and my calling, so why don't you
guys find some other mission
and I'll handle
this one, okay?
- Thanks, Charlie.
- All right, cool.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Goddamn it, Charlie.
It's fine. You know, the guys have been
working their asses off. I got this. Look.
Dee, the Master
says fix it...
I'm gonna fix it.
♪ ♪
Frank, is that you?
Missed you in there, pal.
Still pretty steamy, though,
if you want to hop in and...
- What the hell's this?
- Just watching a little TV.
Are those Thin Mints?
Oh, yeah, big-time, dude.
I love these things.
I notice, uh... you're looking
a little out of shape there, bud.
- I am?
- Yeah.
Yeah, and it's a shame, too, because
you've been looking so great lately.
- So sexy.
- I was?
Yeah, so to see this
is just disappointing.
To me, but, you know...
This disappoints you?
Yeah. What-what
are you doing?
You taking a day off or
something, is that okay?
I'm sure the Master allows
for that, though, right?
Well, I'm not really
sure about that.
Oh, you're not sure, yeah.
Did the Master not make that
crystal goddamn clear?
In all those newsletters?
Was that not clear?
- I didn't... I didn't read
into it like that. - Wow, wow.
I mean, I haven't read
the things, but I've just...
you guys have been
telling me and...
Thin Mints, from what I understand,
that was a whole thing.
I think that was,
like, rule number...
- Oh, shit.
- I... yeah.
I-I... I may have...
I messed up a little bit.
I hope he doesn't notice
the fat that I'm noticing
sort of accumulated all over.
But hey, maybe he won't notice.
I noticed, but maybe he won't.
- Y-You don't think he would, or...
- No, I think he will.
Uh, do you mind if
I use the computer?
I'm just gonna grab this and take it
over here for a little bit, okay?
Mmm.
...and snap it back!
Bend and snap.
How's that neck, Cindy?
Everything good?
How are the muscles?
You feeling okay?
You may want to soak
'em a little bit.
- Actually, I feel great.
- Oh, you feel great.
Frank, I'm in
tremendous pain.
I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to her.
I can't breathe.
Oh, she needs a cigarette break.
Could we stop, please?
I don't care what she needs.
I'm not talking to you.
Do whatever you want.
I'm trying to hurt her.
What?
Uh, well, it's... it... you have
to tear the fascial tissues
in order to tone
the muscles properly.
- According to the Master.
- Oh. Okay.
So you bend and you snap.
But snap your head back.
Bend... you see it?
- Frank...
- And snap!
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
We need to talk.
Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep
working. Go ahead.
- Yeah, okay, you got it.
- Hey, listen.
We gotta make a bit
of an adjustment.
Tiny and Jojo, they don't
want to do the construction,
so I was looking into what cults
do to force people into labor
when the mind tricks don't work, and one
of them was a personality test, right?
You basically just get a bunch of dirt on
people and you hold it over their heads.
So, blackmail.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
So this is a basic personality test.
It's really simple.
It just measures the amount of guilt
stressors that you're feeling.
You know, I took it, and I
just... it's changed my life.
Yeah, Dee, what... what
are guilt stressors?
Oh, great question,
great question.
Apparently, secrets and lies
lead to guilt stressors
and that's not good, you guys.
You know why?
It impedes muscle
development.
- I have read that. - Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, it's science. Yeah, it's just
basic science. - Oh, shit. Yeah.
It does sound like
good science.
So you guys just hang on to that machine
and talk about all your regrets.
And what are
regrets, again?
Y-You just talk about things
you feel really guilty about.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay. Uh, okay.
- Do you want to...
- Yeah, I'll go.
- Uh, Dee, where do my feet go?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
Okay, uh...
I ate a baby toad once.
I'm not proud of it.
Uh, just kind of happened.
It pains me to think about how scared
and confused it was and wondering,
"Why am I not home, and why am
I in some sort of acid pond..."
- Okay.
- "...that's burning my skin?"
And what if it was looking for
its mother? It was just a baby.
Oh, yeah, I got an idea.
- How about we let one of these guys,
uh, give it a shot. - Are you sure?
- 'Cause I don't really feel better,
but all right. - Oh, I'll go. Yeah.
- Where do my feet go, Dee?
- Dee, his feet?
It doesn't make
a goddamn difference.
- Okay. I ate a toad, too.
- Oh, God.
- Really?
- I did.
- Am I good, am I good? Okay.
- Yeah, yeah. Do it again.
Go ahead.
Oh, I feel the burn.
Yeah, how's-how's the neck
feeling? How's the neck?
You know, it's not bad.
It's actually a little tight.
It's a little tight.
Well, how about if we hop
in the healing pool...
- Okay. - ...and I'll give
you some touch therapy,
so you don't seem too
weak for the Master.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I don't suppose that could hurt.
- No, that won't hurt.
Oh, shit.
Oh, hi.
The water's wonderful.
When did you get in here?
Oh, you don't mind that we
came in first, do you?
There's plenty of room.
No, how long are
you gonna be?
- Well...
- Oh, man...
She thinks she has a tear
in her uterine wall,
so it might be a while.
All right. Let's-let's go...
I'm gonna go do a few more
sets of KettlePops while, uh,
- running the block a few times.
- Yeah, nice.
- Don't want to disappoint
the Master. - Mm-hmm.
- You want to come? - Go, you go
get yourself good and banged up.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah...
Guys, guys, guys, there's been
a mistake, a terrible mistake.
I got a new newsletter
from the Master.
There's gonna be no more women,
no more Wolf Cola and no more
carpentry in Ass Kickers United.
This has all been a test
designed by the Master
to figure out who
the true believers are.
I passed, you failed and that's
why I'm going to level two.
Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be level two
as well, but he'll be directly under me.
Wh-What? Where'd you
get that from?
- Uh, it was implied
in the newsletter. - No.
Well, how is Dennis
in level two?
Or an Ass Kicker,
for that matter?
Oh, he bought in.
- He... bought in? - Come on, Ass
Kickers, let's get out of here
before we're tainted by
these disgusting women.
- All right. Crazy.
- Cool!
Failed that test.
Go kick some ass, huh?
Go kick some ass!
Thought you could outmaster
the Master, idiots?
So you swayed 'em back.
Uh, whatever.
- We can do that, too.
- Dee, you think this is easy?
You need years of practice to even
sniff my talent for manipulation.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cult
that needs a charismatic leader.
Yeah.
Goddamn it, Frank.
Goddamn it! No.
No, we cannot let him
get away with this.
No, this is about something different
now, something much more important.
Shit sandwich?
What? Why? What is that?
No. God.
No, this is about
control now.
This is about control and it's
about beating Dennis.
I know exactly what
we need to do.
Deandra, we're all set.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- He's out?
- He's lit.
I have so much alcohol, and I gave
him three bottles of Fight Milk.
Whoa. That's a lot.
Okay, you ready?
Got your cards?
- Okay.
- Okay. Here we go.
Charlie.
Charlie.
Say it louder.
- Charlie, wake up!
- Huh?
What's... what's...
What's happening?
It is I...
the Master!
- Am I dreaming?
- You're having a vision.
- Am I peeing?
- Uh...
Is he peeing?
Just read the card.
You and the other Ass
Kickers must con...
con...
- What's that word?
- Congregate.
Congregate?
What does that mean?
It doesn't matter.
Just say it.
Congregate.
- What does that mean?
- Oh, God. You know what? Just...
Hey, Charlie, hey.
Get all the Ass Kickers together and meet
at Mac and Dennis's apartment, okay?
Lord Zolo is gonna get
you on the mother ship.
Lord Zolo?
Charlie... you've graduated
to the next level. Congratulations.
And your reward is to get to know
all the secrets of the universe.
Yeah, there's just a few
things you have to do.
Okay. I'll do them.
- I'm peeing.
- Uh-oh.
Oh...
Okay, you guys, ready...
Holy shit!
Whoa! What the hell
happened in here?
Hey, do you like it?
Yeah, well, before Master Rex
said that we weren't
supposed to do carpentry,
I talked to Tiny and Jojo and they
got their construction crew in here.
- There's a wall. - Oh, you're
goddamn right there's a wall.
I'm good. Dennis is
gonna shit his pants.
Yeah... why?
What are you good at?
Good at my... I'm a good
person, and you know what?
It's time to... to do the plan
that the Master laid out, right?
I'm gonna take Tiny in the other room
and make the pods ready. Come on, Tiny.
- Oh, we got pods?
- You're so lucky.
- Yeah.
- Of course we got pods.
Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys on that
mother ship with him, you need pods.
Am I right, Master?
- Do-Do I get a pod?
- Okay, guys, guys, guys...
We got a... wow.
Holy shit.
That's a wall.
Yeah. This place
looks great.
You're goddamn right
this place looks great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty
impressive stuff, Dee, but,
uh... it doesn't
seal the deal.
Guys, I've got
an announcement to make.
Yeah, we've got
some big news here.
The Master texted me while we
were on our way over here.
Oh, interesting.
Uh, I wonder how it's possible that
the Master could've texted you
when he's been here
with us the whole time.
Rex is the Master?
- That makes so much sense.
- Yep. Yes.
- Oh, my... - Of course I
know that Rex is the Master,
and of course I would never question
the word of someone so... wise.
But I actually got a text from
the Supreme Overlord Master.
- And that's Rex's master.
- Oh, shit.
"Oh, shit," is right, you guys.
That's the... he's the big guy.
He sits right at the tippy-tippy-top,
and he made it very,
very clear to me that all
of you are going to need to...
commit suicide.
Tits! I knew it!
The final circle.
Yeah, okay, sure, but
hang on a second.
- Can I please talk to you for just
a quick second? - Sure, sure, sure.
Now, why don't you guys get yourselves
all lathered up in lighter fluid
- and, uh, you're gonna get ready to light
yourselves ablaze. - Thank you, thank you!
- Thanks for trusting me.
- Yeah, of course.
I did it. I won.
I am the most
charismatic leader.
I got Tiny to eat
a shit sandwich.
- Ugh!
- Oh! Goddamn it!
- I got him to eat a poopy.
- You idiot!
I got these guys to think they
were going to another dimension.
- I'm the winner.
- Are you kidding me?
They were gonna light
themselves on fire for me.
- I'm the winner.
- Oh...
Guys, guys, hang on a second.
The winner of what?
The... the Ass Kickers, okay?
The winner of the Ass Kickers.
It-it's mine, it's not theirs.
- What? - It's mine, it's... the whole
thing's made up, I made it up.
Master Rex, is this true?
- Oh, don't ask Rex. What...?
- The fire is started.
Thank you so much for
trusting me with this.
- This is good-bye!
- No... goddamn it, no!
- No, man, don't do it!
- Oh!
Run!
Hey! We'll get you
some help, okay?
- We'll call the fire department.
- Yeah.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- And then we'll go to Dee's.
- Yeah, right?
- No, no, can't we go anywhere else?
- No, Dee.
What if the Supreme Overlord
tries to contact us?
- He has to know where we are.
- Yeah, exact-exactly.
All right, well, at least he's
on the mother ship now.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God! Unbelievable!
Come on, let's go.
- Good luck, Jojo!
- Thank you!