It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - The Gang Misses the Boat - full transcript

Turn this up.
This is my jam right here.

Oh, yeah... Oh, shit!
Did I just miss the turn?

Oh, yeah, dude.
I think it was back there.

Come on, man! You better hurry up.
We're gonna miss that boat!

Well, don't blame me. It took Dee
a goddamn hour to get dressed like a man.

Nah. Captain Barnacle.

It's a great new character I'm
working on. Argh!

- Give me another worm, Charlie.
- All right, coming up.

You want rum or julep?
That's a rum one...

- I'll take the rum one.
- You guys brought worms in here?

Well, we kind of soaked them in alcohol
and you suck the alcohol off of them.

- Ah!
- I ate mine.

You're gonna ruin this!

How often do boat parties come
around and with hot mainline women?

This is a classy event. It took me
hours to get us invited to this.

Oh-oh! There's the boat.

Goddamn it! We missed it.
Aw! This is great!

This is exactly what
I was worried about!

Great, guys. Way to go.

You know what? Screw it.
I'm going in.

What-what are you
talking talking about?

- We're going in.
- Not in the water?

Yes, we're going
in the wa...

Look, guys, this car was
built for this, okay?

It's got air intake valves.

This is precision British land-
to-sea craftsmanship at work.

We're going in.

We're not missing that boat.

What have we become?

I mean, we have literally and
figuratively missed the boat.

I-I used to be
a cool guy, right?

With a cool car hanging out all
the time.

And now I'm a...
what am I?

I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of
worm-sucking idiots!

You? What about me?

I used to be a party boy who
banged chicks all the time.

You guys remember?

But no one was ever good
enough for you, dude.

So, I got self-conscious and
I stopped-- because of you,

I changed who
I am at my core!

Mac, Mac, that is not what
happened, okay?

You are completely
delusional.

I mean, and by the way, all of
us have become so goddamn weird.

I think we're just
hitting our stride.

- Oh, you think we're "hitting our
stride," Frank, really? - Yeah!

'Cause Dee's in a goddamn
costume every other day.

As a matter of
fact, we all are.

I think we have more costumes
in the bar than we do kegs.

I mean, what, what if I said I
wanted to become a man cheetah

- right now, what would you do?
- I'd go get the spots.

He's got spots!

Why do you have spots?
You shouldn't have spots.

That's absurd, man.

- That's absurd. You know what? I actually,
I blame you for most of this. - Me?

Yeah, because you came in here
with your endless goddamn

supply of money and financed
all this bizarre behavior!

You were plenty
weird before me.

What about the underage
drinking scheme?

- I wasn't even here for that.
- But that made sense, Frank.

It worked.

You know what? I got to get
away from you people.

That's what it is. I-I-I-I fly off
the handle every five seconds now.

You know what?

I got to get away from you
people-- you're all insane.

- I'm storming out!
- What? Don't copy me!

I'm the one who's angry.
Goddamn it!

You don't storm out on me.
I storm out on you.

I'm the one who storms out!
I'm the one who... Oh, oh, oh!

Yeah, no, no. Okay.
You know what? Yeah.

That's fine. Storm out.
Get angry.

You guys be that guy 'cause I'm
not gonna be that guy anymore.

I'm not gonna get angry and shit.
I'm gonna cool off.

I'm gonna go back to being
what I was before.

A cool guy who just hangs
out and has a cool car.

So, I'm not gonna storm out, but
I am gonna leave. I'm gonna...

leave casually.

- You want to get lunch?
- Sure.

Yeah?

When was the last time, like,
just you and me went out to eat?

- It's been a while, right?
- By ourselves?

- Yeah.
- I don't even know.

It's nice to go to a diner,
too, you know?

- Like, I like diners.
- Yes.

- I appreciate a menu with pictures.
- It makes it easier.

It's like sometimes those
guys make me do things

- that aren't really me, you know?
- Yeah.

- Like, okay, like, I kind of feel
compelled to call you a bird right now

- and throw my glass of water
in your face. - Right.

But, uh, you know, I'm realizing
that I only do that stuff

'cause I don't want the guys to do it
to me first, you know what I mean?

Of course I do. You know
what I was about to do?

Pretend that I had to go to the
bathroom and then I was gonna

sneak out the window
and just get out of here

'cause I was afraid you were
gonna do that to me first.

- Oh, right, right, right.
- Isn't that weird?

- I was, though. Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.

But again, I think it was...
'cause, like, that's what the guys

- would've done and... - It's the peer
pressure thing from those guys.

Right. Okay.

- Well, forget the the guys today, right?
They're not here. So, um... - Yeah.

Like, what do
you want to do?

Uh, let's see. I'd like to order
my food in a German accent.

- Right, right. Okay, cool.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Why?
- I guess that's just...

I put all these expectations on
myself to be funny all the time.

You know? Because that's what
people have come to expect from me.

But that's not fair. It's too
much pressure for me.

Yeah, right. No, I don't think
anyone expects that at all.

Wait, what about you?
What do you want to do?

Okay, uh, well, I would like
to get a chicken sandwich, but,

- uh, but I think I want to get
the beak on the side? - Mm.

Frank's always making me
eat it first and frankly

I'd rather it last if I'm
gonna have to eat it all...

Ooh, I can help you here.

Instead of eating it last,

you don't have
to eat beak at all.

- Oh!
- Ready to order?

- Ooh!
- Yeah.

Ja, vell, uh,
I vould like ze...

I'm sorry. I would like
a chicken sandwich, please.

Okay. And you?

- Beak!
- No!

- No.
- No.

- Regular chicken sandwich.
- That's it?

- That's it for him.
- Okay.

You did it! You did it.

God, I really
wanted to say it!

- I saw that you wanted to say it badly.
- Yeah, all right, well, this is good.

This is great. This...

- I'm very proud of you. - This is very
good. All right. Look at us! Cheers!

Yeah. No beak.

Bob, I want to thank you for
answering my ad so quickly.

Well, I really needed a car
and I always wanted a Range Rover.

Yeah, well... Hey, I got
to tell you, though.

This is not just a car.

This is a lifestyle.
This is an Eddie Bauer edition.

Tortoise-shell interior,
super-charged twin cam,

European luxury sports
utility vehicle, my friend.

- Wow!
- Yeah! It's a classic, okay?

The only reason I'm giving her up
is 'cause I'm ready to turn a page.

- Yeah. - I'm thinking about getting
an Alfa Romeo, what do you think?

Two seats-- me and a babe.
You like babes, Bob?

- Oh, yeah, sure!
- Yeah! Who doesn't like babes?

Yeah, yeah.
It's a wonderful machine.

I used it to traverse the plains
the Serengeti of my life.

Now, I want that
for you, Bob.

There she is.

I'm sorry. Are you talking
about the car in the river?

Yeah. Well, it's an amphibious
exploring vehicle, so...

You-you think you can
pull it out of the river?

No, no! What fun would
that be, right?

That's not my job.
That's your job.

I don't want to take that from you.
You're gonna love it.

Yeah, right, but I just, I didn't bring
a change of clothes or anything.

That's not really
my fault, is it?

Yeah, I got to say, uh, your line
of questioning's starting to,

it's starting to annoy me.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just, you know,
I thought I was gonna see a car on land.

- You being cute right now?
- No.

- Is that what's happening?
- I'm not being cute.

And no sale! How about that?

'Cause you don't deserve the car.
The car has spoken, I have spoken.

You obviously don't get what's happening
here. So, be gone with you!

All right.

There's that anger
coming up again.

I'm getting weird and arch.
But that's the gang's fault.

That-that's not me.
I'm fine, see? I'm...

I'm calm, man. I'm cool as a cucumber.
It's all good. It's all good.

Talking to myself, but
that's just 'cause I, you know,

I've got shit to say, you know?

♪ Uh-huh, this my shit ♪

♪ All the girls stomp
your feet like this... ♪

Hey!

Hey, I'm Mac,
former party boy.

Looking to get back into
the party-boy scene.

You want me to milk your adrenal gland?
You'll go berserk.

Heh? No?

That's all right.
Ugly anyway.

You're gonna find
that ass to crush.

♪ Oh, Mac ♪

♪ I still got the moves... ♪

Beat it, Frank.
You're acting like it's 2006.

Hey, listen, the hell
with Dennis.

Don't let him screw up
a good thing that we got.

Come on, we'll start
our own crew.

Beat it, jabroni.

Hey, look at that.

What? Oh, that? Is that what you want?
I can get you all that you want.

Maybe I've been thinking about
this all wrong. You know, man?

Maybe I've been lying
to myself all these years.

- Maybe that's what I need.
- Well, we've always known that.

Party boy coming your way.

- Guys, we did it.
- We did it.

Opened a bar.

Hey, gang.

- Frank.
- Oh, hello.

I just parted ways with my old crew,
and I'm looking for a new one.

I'm a financier... of fun things
like schemes and pranks and such.

You got anything?
You interested?

- What?
- Uh, what are you celebrating?

Uh, we-we just bought
a bar together.

You just bought a bar?
That is fantastic.

That's perfect.
Next round's on me.

- Uh, thank you.
- Awesome.

Cheers!

You know, Mac and Dennis aren't here--
they're not gonna ridicule us--

we get to just pick
whatever we want to do.

Well, you know
I like making music.

Yeah, and I like
listening to it, but

it hasn't really ever gotten us
anywhere in the past, so, well,

what about poetry?

- I like poetry, but only if it's def.
- Def Poetry.

- Yeah, like Def Poetry slams.
- Those are awesome.

- Yeah. - I love that.
What happened to that?

I don't know. Did people just
stop thinking they were cool?

That's crazy. Black people
don't do stuff that's not cool.

- Yeah, so... - He doesn't deserve the car,
and that's the plain and simple of it.

- Are you crying?
- No, I wasn't...

It's humid outside, all right?
That-that's why they're moist...

I don't have to explain myself
to a worm-sucking idiot.

Dee, where's the computer?

I thought you were gonna try
and control your rage.

This is irritation, okay?
There's a difference.

And why are you irritated?

I'm irritated because I'm having trouble
finding a proper buyer for the Range Rover.

I need to create a new ad to attract
an appropriate buyer, all right?

Not some asshole who's got a problem
with the car being in a river.

It's awesome that
the car is in a river.

I need someone who
can see that.

Arrogance, vanity-- all over.

He's underwater,
like a Range Rover.

I'm sorry, what is this?
What are you doing?

Def Poetry.

Don't do that.

Makeup... smearin'.

No power steerin'.

He be talkin', but
we don't be hearin'.

I command you to stop.

- Speaks like Zeus.
- Smells like poops.

Rage all over from his head
down to his shoes.

Zeus, poops and shoes?

Guys, you suck at Def Poetry.
You know what?

Announcement-- I have an
announcement to make, all right?

Thank you for
gathering for me.

I'm wearing a mesh shirt,
and it's totally sweet.

You guys probably want me to
burn it, but I won't, all right?

Now, I like this choice.

I like the choices I've made.
I like who I am, all right?

But I realize I've been lying to
myself over the past few years.

And I'm done lying, okay?

- And I found someone who's gonna
allow me to be me. - Okay, good.

- Oh, good, all right, yeah.
- Great. Finally. Yes. - Let's do this.

That all makes sense.
Let's get this over with.

- We're ready. - Let's talk about this.
- Yeah. Yes!

Guys, I'd like you to meet
the love of my life,

Dusty. Come on in, Dusty.

Why did I have
to wait in the hall?

Oh, I was doing a thing
for my friends.

No, no, no, Dusty's a man.
Where is Dusty?

No, Dusty is a... woman. Why would you
think...? Oh, because of the name.

No, no, she's called Dusty because
she's really into angel dust.

I am super into
angel dust.

- Does she have a dick?
- Why would you think she has a dick?

Come on, what-what was that
whole speech about, then?

Oh, well, the last few years,
I've been settling for fives,

you know, and I've been
giving you the tens, okay?

But then I realized, you know
what, I can be a ten guy, too.

I saw a ten, I went after
a ten, and I got a ten.

Let's go, Dusty. We don't
need these turkeys.

I'm gonna go slam ass.

I'm gonna go bang this chick.

What the hell is this?

Anger... bubbling like a pot.

Gettin' hot.

Gonna explode like
a bomb in a toad.

You mark my words.

If you decide to get
into Def Poetry,

you are going to fail and bomb
and gag and fail and bomb.

It's... that's just... you know, but
I don't care, man. That's cool.

Do whatever you want, man.
I-I'm a cool guy now, so...

I'm gonna grab this laptop,
I'm gonna go make a new ad

for my awesome Range Rover,
which I'm gonna sell,

and then I'm gonna get
myself an Alfa Romeo.

You know?

Just me and a babe.
Just me and a babe.

So, you guys do
whatever you want.

Do you like it?

- Why would you say that?
- I'm just kidding.

Guys, guys, guys, I got news.

I got terrible news.

- Wait, dude, do I...?
- Oh, oh, yeah. Hey. You're the...

you're that guy from
the other night.

- I didn't... I didn't recognize you
without the hairpiece. - This is awful.

There's a Jew trying to buy
us out of everything.

You want to get him back?

What are you... what
are you talking about?

I don't know.

W-Well, I'm not usually the idea
man; I'm the money man.

Okay, don't worry about it.

What we'll do is we'll have a beer,
and then we'll come up with something.

Okay. You know, we really appreciated
the drinks the other night,

but we... we've got
to get to work.

You got to get a ferret
down in the basement,

because Charlie says ferrets
scare the shit out of rats.

What are you
talking about?

What is... what is... who...
who is Charlie?

You're Charlie.

No, you're too tall.

By any chance, do you have
homosexual tendencies?

You... you could be Dee,
but you're smaller.

You got a better
body, I think.

You-- I don't know... I don't
know who the hell you are,

'cause we didn't
have a black.

Sir, you got to get
out of here.

Oh. Oh, I get it.

I get it. I got
to prove myself, right?

Okay, I get it.

I'm gonna get to work, and I'll make it
really happen, and this is so exciting.

You guys, this is
gonna be great.

Our thinking: Clear.

Our rhymes: No fear.

Our words, our passion
that flows like beer.

- Misery!
- Chains.

- Thunder.
- Rain.

- We're chasing the dragon.
- We're chasing our pain.

Now, stop, breathe.

Unbroken.

You're free.

Shit, that's def.
That's super def right there.

- Oh, shit, that was the deffest.
- Hey, here's a crazy idea.

- Hmm? - Why don't we run out, go
to an open-mic night, like, right now?

- Right now?
- Yeah, Dee.

I'm scared.

No, I know, but look, without
Mac and Dennis, like,

constantly coming down on us, you're
not gonna bomb. You're gonna do great.

You know, I-I just feel
like I'm feeling something.

I'm totally feeling it.

- Something, like, crazy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess we make a really good...
make a really good team.

- We do make a really good team.
- You're calming me down,

- and we're good at this together.
- Cool, cool. All right.

- Let's do it. That's great.
- Let's go to it.

- Oh, shit.
- Whoops!

- Just kidding.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

- Great crowd, huh?
- Yeah, big night!

Hey-o!

Beer me.

What a crowd, huh?

Oh. Hi. Uh, yeah.
It's-it's good. It's busy.

You're welcome.

Wait, you brought all
these people here?

- I bought them all fake I.D.s.
- Huh?

Yeah. These are all underage
kids-- tweens and such.

I never got to do
that scheme.

Why? Why-why would
you do this?

I don't know why they did it.
They must've had a good reason.

Oh, also, I let a ferret loose in
here and called the health inspector.

What?! Why?!

So you could do the thing,
you know... snap to.

You better do it quick, too.
That kid looks sick as hell.

Excuse me.

Hi.

You guys selling the car?

Uh, yeah. Yes. Hi.

- Hi. Yeah, I, uh, might like to buy it.
- What do you want for it?

Well, I was thinking
somewhere in the ballpark

of the original
price, but, uh...

considering the circumstances, I'm
open to a reasonable discussion.

All right. I mean, it is
an amphibious exploring vehicle,

so it should be
fine, right?

Yes.

Yes, absolutely.

It's nice to talk
to a reasonable man.

Now, are you a sportsman?
Because you look very fit.

- Oh, I ski.
- You ski?

Oh, excellent.
Love skiing.

- Yeah. Do you travel a lot?
- For work, yeah.

- Europe? Eastern Europe?
- Ah, all over, really.

And I assume you'll be taking
the car with you on these trips?

Me? Oh, no.
No, no, no.

I'm-I'm looking for
something for my daughter.

- Your daughter?
- Yeah.

You know, safe, slow vehicle.

Good starter car.

- Starter car.
- That's right.

Mm.

I have contained my rage
for as long as possible,

but I shall unleash my fury upon you
like the crossing of a thousand waves!

Begone, vile man!
Begone from me!

A starter car?!
This car is a finisher car!

A transporter of gods!

The golden god!

I am untethered and my
rage knows no bounds!

- Well, we're gonna figure this out.
- I know.

- We're gonna, we're gonna...
- Hey! What's up, bitches?

I'm a man cheetah.

You want to do
something with this?

We lost it.

- We lost our bar.
- Huh?

Yeah. The health inspector
called the police, man.

The control board pulled
our liquor license.

And we got a $75,000
fine for serving minors.

Well, uh, the other crew always
had something up their sleeve.

I got an idea.

We don't want
to hear your ideas.

This is all your fault.

No... well, wait, Kelly.

Maybe he can help us.

It sounds like he's used
to this kind of thing.

Really?

Yeah, that-that's true.
He got us into this mess.

Maybe he can get
us out of it.

Okay, old man.

What's your plan?

What?

- Can I, um...?
- What?

No.

- There's a beer I want to...
- Oh.

- So, you know, just... all right?
- Yeah, I'm s... sorry.

- Okay. Do you want one, or...?
- No. I... don't.

- All right. Good.
- No.

Is it cold in here?

- I'm not a thermostat, so...
- Okay. I'm sorry.

Okay, all right, all right, listen--
I want things to go back to normal, okay?

I don't like the way
things have become,

and I want them to go back
to the way they were.

Listen up. I want things to
go back to normal.

I don't like the way things are going.
I want 'em to go back to normal.

What the hell are
you doing, man?

- I'm storming in.
- I was storming in...

- What, are you a man cheetah?
- Yeah.

- Cool.
- You like it?

- Yes.
- All right. Good.

- All right, come on, let's...
- I can't do this anymore.

That last crew
sucked on ice.

Okay, look, I like the man cheetah thing.
I want to go back to doing shit like this.

Are you guys on board? I want to go
back to the way things were.

- Oh, yeah, I mean, we definitely...
- Definitely want things to be normal again.

- We should go back in time.
- Can we go way back in time?

- Can we go back a lot?
- Okay, did you bomb and fail

and bomb, just like
I knew you would?

- He did. He did.
- Oh, yes, yeah, that's all that happened,

and nothing else happened
other than that.

- There was a poetry thing. It was bad.
- It was really bad poetry, and...

- shut up, bird!
- You shut up! You can't read!

Okay, this is
good, all right.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, hey.

Okay, this is good, this is good.
So we're all in agreement?

Frank, pay to get my
car out of the river.

- Yes. Done.
- All right.

- Aah, shit, that's starting again.
- Right, yeah, you know what?

Mac's not gonna want
to go back to normal.

He's been banging that hot chick
in the back office all day.

No, I don't like this, okay?

It's unnatural,
and I won't have it.

I'm putting an end to this right now--
we're going back to normal, yeah?

Yeah, you like it? You know what...?

What the hell's going on
in here? What is this?

Oh, we totally just
banged or whatever.

You're fully clothed, Mac.

Have you been pretending to bang
this chick the entire time?

No.

He can't even get
it up with me.

Well, that's because she's
not even that hot. Like...

- She's very hot. - What?!
- Huh?! She's beautiful. - She's hot.

I don't know. I'm, like, not
even feeling that, you know?

Can I get my
angel dust now?

Oh.

Hmm.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Okay.

- Jesus Christ, dude.
- Come on.

- Come on, buddy. You don't have to...
- No.

Wow. All right, you
know what, guys?

Listen,

it's fine, it's all
good, Mac, okay?

Do you want to go back
to the way things where,

- where we don't ask questions, you
just go about your business? - Yeah.

Done.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Ah! I was hoping
this day would come.

I saved a special
surprise for us.

- Is he a man cheetah?
- Yeah.

Awesome. It's really cool.

- Who wants rum ham?
- Rum ham...