It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - The Gang Spies Like U.S. - full transcript
When Dennis and Mac send Dee to spy on the fish factory across the street, Frank and Charlie become suspicious themselves.
That's what's
good about a beer.
- Yeah, it's good.
- It just keeps cycling through you...
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
We got news.
- We've got terrible news.
- Yeah.
- What do you got?
- Okay, you know that Chinese
fish factory across the street?
The one with the horrible smell?
- Ugh. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Of course.
- Disgusting.
- Been there forever?
They've installed security cameras
pointed directly at Paddy's.
- Yeah.
- What?
- They're pointing them at us?
- Yes. - They can't do that.
That's bullshit! What,
are they spying on us?
Yes, dude, I think they're spying
on us, and you know what else?
They bought the building next door
and they are expanding like crazy.
I'm telling you, it is only a matter of
time before the Chinese take us over.
Oh, they've always been very
secretive for a fish factory.
And do you ever feel like maybe
they're using that fish smell
to cover up, like, maybe
some other mysterious smell?
- Mmm.
- It is an incredibly strong smell.
- It's turned me off of fish.
- Me, too!
- That's so bad.
- Oh, I'm off of fish.
And I used to eat so much
fish, guys, I mean...
- I love fish. - 'Cause fish has
all the good fatty acids, right?
- A good fish, a solid fish?
- Protein, omega numbers...
- So many omegas-- threes, fours and fives.
- Melts in your mouth.
You get to eat
all your scales.
- Don't eat the scales.
- No, you don't eat the scales.
You know, you don't get scales
unless it's a fish or a reptile.
- You got to get them...
- Don't eat reptiles.
Yeah, not eating all
reptiles, just the good ones.
Okay, guys, we got a plan.
Dee, come with us.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna help us gather intel.
- Okay.
- Let's do it, come on.
- There she goes.
- Let's go.
All right, and then, uh, what
do Frank and I do?
Well, you guys just hang
back, uh, do your thing.
Don't eat reptiles
and just hang out.
- What?
- What, you're going with Dee over us?
- Right.
- Yeah.
I-Is this 'cause you guys have been
living at her place ever since your fire?
You know what I mean? I feel like you burn
your place down, you move into Dee's,
and now you're, like,
getting all buddy-buddy...
- Yeah. Yeah, chummy-chummy.
- Yeah, I-I guess so.
- You know, if you need.
- That's crazy!
Dee over us? I mean, you
can't count on her.
You're completely
unreliable, Dee, really.
You're, like, all gangly and
uncoordinated.
And she's constantly gonna
back-sass you.
Oh, she'll argue with
everything you say.
- You know, it's bullshit.
- No, you know what's bullshit?
Me getting boxed
out all the time.
And these guys have finally realized, by
living with me, that old Dee is pretty cool
after all, and pretty
funny, too.
So maybe I shouldn't be the butt
of everybody's jokes anymore.
Let's... let's not
get crazy, Dee.
- Yeah, you're always gonna be the butt
of our jokes. - Whatever, let's roll.
- Yeah, we're still gonna make jokes
at your expense. - That's okay, let's go.
Yeah, uh... just hang.
Uh, we're good.
- Huh?
- What the hell was that?
Something stinks here, Charlie,
and it ain't just the fish.
Dude, the other day, I was trying
to get in the back office...
- Yeah?
- Dennis had the door locked.
- Mac locked the door, too!
- What is that?
Who locks the office door?
I feel like they're always sneaking around
now, and they're all, like, nervous.
Something big is
definitely going down.
I got a plan. You know what?
How about you and I spy
on that Chinese factory?
Yeah, but, Charlie, I trust the Chinese
as far as I could throw their factory.
- Mm-hmm. - But the real threat isn't
abroad, Charlie; It's right here at home.
We got to spy on
Mac and Dennis.
♪ ♪
- Oh, God, that smell!
- Whew!
The air quality in
here is terrible!
How do these people
survive in this?
Oof. Well, you
know the Chinese.
It's like, business first,
breathing second, goddamn it!
At least we know that
it's a real fish factory,
not some sort of
a front for something.
- Well... - Well, Dee, we don't
know that for sure, okay?
And that's why you got
to get a job here.
I got to get a job here?
What am I looking for?
Shady practices, you know?
Sketchy dealings. Schematics.
Uh, human rights violations,
anything, Dee.
Just-just, you know,
gather intel.
Okay. What are you
guys gonna do?
Dee, you're on a need-to-know
basis here, okay?
There's a chain of
command here, okay?
- You're at the very bottom. Yeah.
- You're way down.
Well, at least tell me
what the whole plan is.
Dee, the one time we bring you
in on a thing instead of Charlie
and all we get is
back-sass and questions?
- Do you want to be on
the team or not? - Yeah.
Yeah, I want to be part of
the team, okay? Yes, sorry.
So how do I gather
the intel?
Oh, Jesus Chri...
Talk to people.
I don't know, flirt with the
manager.
He'll love how "pretty" and
"blonde" you are.
Don't do that. I'm blonde.
Look, my mind goes to that
office up there, you know?
What kind of shady
shit's going on in there?
And now I'm doing
your job for you.
You know what, let's just go get Charlie,
'cause I don't want to hold her hand
- through the whole process.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No Charlie.
No Charlie, okay? I got
this, you guys, I got this.
- Don't worry about me, I got this.
- Okay, we need you, Dee. Go.
- Go.
- Go.
It sucks not having
our own apartment.
We got to get back
in there, dude.
I know. I hate Dee.
Dennis, I hate her.
I know, I know, but at least we got her
out of our hair for a little while.
- Yeah.
- We can finally do our plan.
Yes, okay.
- Oh, goddamn it.
- What is that?
Goddamn it! All right, look.
Let's just deal with it, and then
we can get back to business.
Yeah, okay. All right, all right.
I'm coming!
- I'm coming, Jesus Christ... oh.
- Hey, guys.
What do you want, Charlie?
We're busy.
I wanted to apologize
about, um,
snapping earlier today with
words at you guys, and then
I came here to make an apology...
apology words.
- What's he talking about?
- I-I don't know. I don't remember.
- Okay, thank you.
- Well, hang on! Hang on a second.
I got you guys a flower
arrangement for you.
Great. Thanks.
- Give it to him.
- You can't just have it. There's a plan.
I have to come in
and give it to you.
- And put it down.
- All right, fine.
Come in, put them
down and then go.
- Okay, and I'm in.
- He's in.
Okay. Uh...
Put the vase close to them,
so we can see them.
Right. Okay... and good.
And where are you guys spending
the most of your time?
It's a very small apartment.
We're all over the place.
- Just put them anywhere.
- And I'll put them down right here, then.
No. No good, move them.
Can't put them
here, though.
Where can I put them?
Dude, any... put them in the
trash, for all we care.
- I don't...
- Putting them a little further back, so...
- Yeah, that's good.
- And right about here.
Uh, great, we don't care.
It's fine.
No, to the left.
To the left, you say?
Didn't say that.
Don't talk out loud to me.
Roger that.
- Who's Roger?
- Who's Roger?
Just...
thinking about legally
changing my name to Roger.
What's wrong with
your ear, dude?
S... spider crawled up in my ear.
It was living there.
Right.
Sends its thoughts to me.
Is it telling you to leave?
Spider, can I leave?
To the left.
Right there, that's good.
- Okay.
- Now get out of there.
Oh, Jesus Chr...
- Let's get back to business, please.
- Yeah, come on.
I was doing a little research earlier,
and I stumbled upon something huge.
Hey, man.
Can you hear and see everything?
- They're talking about research.
- Research, huh?
It is everything that
we've been looking for.
Dude, it's gonna save us so much time.
It is a game-changer.
Check this out.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
There's so much
potential here!
- What is it?
- This is great!
- I can't see.
- Yeah, shit.
So, listen, do me a favor. Give me
a little bit of time with this, okay?
Let me dig in to this a little bit,
see what the potential really is.
- Yeah, I'll give you some space. Okay.
- Yeah. Oh, oh, wait, Mac.
- Yeah?
- One more thing.
Mm-hmm.
Throw those goddamn
flowers in the trash.
Yeah. Right.
Pieces of shit.
- Goddamn it!
- Son of a bitch.
We got to get our
hands on that laptop!
Right.
Name's Dee.
I'm new around here.
So, what's the deal
with these masks, huh?
Are they gonna protect you from the fish
or protect the fish from you-- am I right?
No. I didn't get that.
You chop fish, pull gut!
"Pull gut." Totally, yeah.
Listen, I'm gonna pop this off 'cause
it's not protecting me from the smell,
so I'm not really sure
what the point is.
Hey.
Give me the skinny.
Are you guys up to anything
non-fish related around here or...?
Seriously? All
right, goddamn it.
You are of no use to me.
Oh, here we go.
Uh, excuse me. Hello.
Hi. Um...
Uh, my name's Dee and I'm
new around here,
and I just would love to chat with
you sometime in private, you know?
Maybe up in your secret
private office up there?
I need you to chop
fish and pull the gut.
Yeah. No, I get it. I-I get that
you're a chop fish, pull gut factory.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Don't go anywhere. Hi.
Um, uh, how about
this, huh?
Uh-oh. What do
you see, huh?
American girl, blue
eyes, blonde hair...
It got me! It got me good!
Aah! It got in my mouth!
It's getting in...
Hi. Hey, guys.
What are you doing, dude?
You texted us 911.
- What's the emergency?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah, uh, well,
our friendship's in
danger, so...
- I stole Frank's credit card. You guys
want to have lunch? - You got Frank's card?
- I got the card.
- I'm annoyed, but I could eat.
- All right, let's go. - Yeah, to be honest
with you, my taste for fish is returning.
- Yeah, I've been thinking about it all day.
- My taste for fish is slowly returning, too.
Yeah. And Guigino's does have
the best fish. Very well!
All right, you know, maybe, uh... maybe
just order a couple apps though.
I think Frank would prefer that.
You know, that's...
Who cares what
Frank prefers?
We're buying this food with
his stolen credit card.
And I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.
- Uh, welcome back, gentlemen.
- I'm sorry. Do I know you, pal?
I've never seen this man
before in my life.
I waited on you before.
You tied my shoelaces together.
- I fell down.
- I'm getting nothing.
- I'm drawing a blank on this guy.
- Yeah, yeah, that means nothing to me.
- What are you saying? - A scalding hot
plate of spaghetti fell into my face?
I'm to remember every man I've seen
fall into a plate of spaghetti?
Never mind. Uh, can
I get your order?
- Get me the snapper, bozo.
- Snapper fish for the man.
Actually, our fish supplier
had an incident at their facility,
so we are limited on fish.
Market price is
quite high today.
Do you have
the snapper or not?
Yeah, uh, we do.
But it's $44.
Ooh. Oh, my God. All right.
Well, then, let's do some
cheaper chicken or, uh...
Well, no. I'm in a fish mood now.
Fish has been established.
- It was established, wasn't it?
- Yeah, it was. So three snappers.
Yeah, why are we talking
about it so much?
- Get the goddamn snappers!
- Okay... oh...
- Get the snapper!
- Jesus Christ.
- Who is that guy?
- Guigino's is slipping.
- It's slipping.
- It is, they are slipping.
- They do have great fish, though.
- So, what's going on with our friendship?
Yeah.
Okay.
Ha!
Charlie, I'm in.
How you doing? You having lunch?
Keeping them busy?
Uh, yeah, but slight hitch, though.
The snapper is, uh, $44.
What?! No, no, no, no $44!
Get them appetizers.
I know, but, like, they want
fish and I kind of want fish, too,
and the waiter said it's
the market price, so...
All right. Wait,
I got the laptop.
Let me go to the search
history.
Holy shit!
Damn it! Sweeping up
fish guts with a broom!
Got to be some kind of
workers' rights violation.
What are you...?! Aah! You idiot! What
are you picking it up with your hands?!
Uh, hell no, lady, no.
Uh, look, I realize this might
all be moon talk to you,
but I'm not touching fish
guts with my hands, okay?
You know what we could do?
Yeah, let's just disperse it.
You know what I mean?
Just send it all over the place!
Nobody will know.
Just kind of... There we go.
Oh-oh. Look out!
I know...
Yeah, it's so crazy.
I saw that.
- Hey, Frank. Sweet hat and jacket.
- Don't.. Charlie, don't sit there.
- Huh?
- Sit back there.
- We got to be smart about this.
- Yeah, all right.
Why didn't we just meet back at
the apartment then?
- That would've been better.
- Because you got me thinking about fish.
Oh, right, nice. Yeah.
Get the snapper. It's delicious.
- Mmm.
- Hi. How can I help you?
Oh, perfect.
You're here now, too.
You're talking to me
like you know me.
- Have we ever met?
- Let's just move past this part.
- What can I get you?
- I'm gonna have the snapper.
And I'm gonna buy one for the strange
man behind me who I've never met.
Gentlemen, I hate
to inform you two...
strangers here that
we are out of snapper.
We had some issues with our local supplier,
so we are completely out of fish today.
How do you not have fish?!
It says "Fresh fish
daily" on the menu.
Well, I just explained it.
I went step by step.
But how come you don't have
it? It's on the menu!
- For the reasons I said.
- You have no snapper?!
- There's a sequence of events...
- It says right here snapper...
- Do you have fish or do you not have fish?
- Can I get you a non-fish entree?
- You can get lost.
- With pleasure.
All right, so... what
did you find out?
I think I know what
those guys are up to.
Can I just sit over there? 'Cause
I feel like the cover's blown now,
- and now I have to go like... You know
what I mean? - All right, sit over here.
I think I know what
they're up to.
- Okay, what?
- I think Mac and Dennis
are going into business with
the Chinese guys across the street.
- What? - They're gonna open up
some kind of pastry factory!
What? What makes
you think that?
I saw it on their
search history.
Only two words came up.
"Asians..."
and "cream pies."
Oh, shit.
They're gonna turn Paddy's into some
kind of Asian cream pie factory!
- Those bastards!
- Yeah!
- Oh, my God!
- Sons of bitches!
- So, what are we gonna do?
- We got to beat them at their own game.
Okay, the Chinese want cream
pies, they'll get cream pies.
But only, they're not gonna
get them from those bozos.
They're gonna be getting
their cream pies from us.
Can I go now?
Because I feel like you had
a really long session last time.
I did, yeah, I went on
for a long, long time,
but that's how much
it takes, all right?
I'm trying to build up to something,
to-to a major finish, you know?
And-and I didn't get to because
Charlie interrupted us
with his goddamn
emergency lunch.
What are you doing?
I really don't want to stumble
across whatever it is
that you're stumbling across.
Let me finish.
- Wait, no, this... we got
a problem here. - What?
- The Internet's not working.
- What?
No... No!
Come on!
- Oh, son of a bitch. - What is it,
Charlie? We're in the middle of a crisis.
Trouble getting online?
Yeah, how did you know that?
We need to talk.
Hi, how can I help...
Oh, you're back.
Why do you look
familiar to me?
I'm the waiter you
didn't tip earlier.
Yeah, well, you're not gonna get
tipped again with that attitude.
We'll take the snapper.
Uh, this guy, too.
He's-he's with us.
Well, as I told this gentleman only
moments ago, we are out of fish today.
We came to Guigino's for
the fish.
- It says "Fresh fish daily."
- Uh, you know what, Dennis?
I'll have a plate of piping
hot spaghetti instead.
Extra sauce.
All right. You know what?
That sounds good.
I'll-I'll take spaghetti, too.
Nice and sloppy.
So you do remember me.
- We're busy! Okay? Can we get spaghetti?
- He wants spaghetti.
- I want spaghetti, too, please.
- He's gonna get spaghetti.
- Just get us the spaghetti.
- And some snapper fish, if you have it.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, thank you...
- What's that guy's attitude?
- I don't know what that guy's deal is.
Hey, you know what we should do? We
should tie his shoelaces together.
Classic! When he falls,
it'll spill all over.
Yeah, the spaghetti
will get on him!
Oh, I've always
wanted to see that.
Hey, can I come sit with you guys?
'Cause I feel my cover's blown, here.
You don't have a goddamn cover; You're,
uh, dressed like it's Halloween.
- Come over here.
- All right, I'm coming over.
All right.
- Now, what's going on, man?
- What's going on?
Listen, Frank's onto you. That's why
I had Dee's Internet shut down.
- He knows what you're doing.
- Oh, come on.
- Frank knows what we're doing?
- Yes!
And honestly, guys, you should be
ashamed of yourselves. Really.
What? I'm not ashamed.
I'm a little bit ashamed, but
I think that's natural.
Well, look, here's the thing. Now
Frank wants to start doing it, too.
- So what?
- So what? Let him do it.
Well, he wants me
to do it with him.
I assumed you two
did that already.
- Me, too.
- No!
And now he wants us to do it
with the Chinese guy across the street,
so I knew you wouldn't
be into that.
Well, no, I'm not into that.
That's bizarre.
Exactly. I feel like I should
be doing it with you guys.
- Ah...
- Come on, man.
This is getting
weird and messy.
- I-I don't want to get you involved.
There's too many people. - Come on, guys.
- Just go do it with Frank.
- I know... okay, well, is Dee in on it?
- Ew! God, no!
- Why would we... ugh.
That's why she's at the
factory, to distract her.
Come on, guys. It should
be you and me, okay?
I like cream pies as much
as the next guy.
Oh, shh... don't-don't
say it out loud.
Well, okay, okay, okay. Let me make a...
cream pie... for you, okay?
Then you can try it.
See what you think.
I do not want to taste
your cream pie.
They taste great,
I can guarantee it.
You've tasted yours?
Of course I have.
Haven't you?
- No!
- I've tasted mine.
- I didn't like it.
- I've tasted mine, yeah.
- I-I liked mine.
- Whatever, dude.
If you don't care about the
taste, fine, all right?
But they're not just
gonna be for us anyway.
- It's not... what?
- What?
We're gonna sell them to
everyone in Philly.
Who the hell's gonna
want to buy them?
Everyone's gonna want to buy
them, everyone loves them,
- especially little kids.
- Ew... dude!
- Little kids?
- I'd love watching a kid do it.
Dude, you are gonna get
in a lot of trouble.
Hell, no, dude. It's not like I'm gonna
do it without the parents' permission,
I'll do everything...
- No parent is gonna let you...
- Where are you gonna go?
The parents are gonna watch.
They're gonna be so psyched...
They're not gonna
want to watch!
- What are you talking about? No. - Oh, we
got to go overseas for that. That's just...
No, you don't.
That's as American as it gets.
Guys, you gotta think about this
as a business venture, right?
The three of us combine our ingredients,
making, like, one gigantic,
delicious cream pie, some
little kid sucking it down
and he's paying us
for the pleasure.
Hang on a second.
What kind of cream pie
are you talking about?
What... kind of cream pie
are you talking about?
♪ ♪
Cream pies.
Everyone loves them.
Comedians, baseball players,
even protestors.
Cream pies are a rich American
tradition and also delicious.
Mmm, my mouth's getting wet just
watching her eat that cream pie.
Asians know electronics.
And fish.
But Americans
know cream pies--
except for them.
God bless cream pies,
and God bless America.
And China, too.
♪ ♪
Look, I'm an experienced
businessman
with a long history
in Asian countries.
Imagine my cream pie
taste and know-how
combined with your
underpaid labor force.
We could corner
the cream pie market!
Wait, wait just a second.
It's, uh... it's my
business partner.
Hello? I'm in the middle
of the meeting now.
The video killed.
What do you mean, it's not the
same kind of cream pie?
Oh, wait, I'll look.
♪ ♪
Holy shit!
Holy shit...
Well, it looks like
relying on old Dee
really paid off for you
guys after all, huh?
What are you talking about?
Wh... my series of accidents shut the whole
factory down for, like, a couple days.
Dee, we never asked you to
shut down the factory.
Yeah, that's what's been
driving up the price of fish.
Yeah, snapper's way up.
Snapper's through the roof.
You can't even get snapper!
We're out of snapper, Dee!
Look, you see, I told you
you can't count on her.
Oh, and by the way, we stole our Wi-Fi
from that place, too. Did you know that?
Oh, so now we got no
Wi-Fi because of you.
Actually, we're pretty dependent
on that Chinese factory.
- We need the Chinese, Dee, we need the...
- Yeah, for the cream, for the cr...
Don't-don't... All right,
guys, you know what?
She seems fine and I'm
not worried about her.
Let's-let's go discuss our research
a little bit further, yeah?
Ooh, for what, for what?
For one of our next schemes?
Yeah. Yeah. For the next scheme, Dee.
Uh, we'll be in touch.
Oh. You guys could just do that here,
you... Wait, I can call for more chairs!
Listen, guys, uh, first of
all, I'm gonna suggest that we
reset our browser each time
we do a research session.
- That's a good idea. For privacy.
- Right.
Yeah, and, you know, we're
spying on ourselves.
That doesn't really gather any
useful information.
- No, it's just all porn.
- Right.
We should keep spying on the
Chinese, though.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Actually, when I was over there,
I looked at their search
history; It's all porn, too.
- Is it?
- Ah, we're all doing it.
I think what you're gonna
find when you're spying
on the general population is
that everyone is just, uh...
- masturbating constantly.
- I know I am.
And yet you've never
heard of a cream pie.
good about a beer.
- Yeah, it's good.
- It just keeps cycling through you...
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
We got news.
- We've got terrible news.
- Yeah.
- What do you got?
- Okay, you know that Chinese
fish factory across the street?
The one with the horrible smell?
- Ugh. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Of course.
- Disgusting.
- Been there forever?
They've installed security cameras
pointed directly at Paddy's.
- Yeah.
- What?
- They're pointing them at us?
- Yes. - They can't do that.
That's bullshit! What,
are they spying on us?
Yes, dude, I think they're spying
on us, and you know what else?
They bought the building next door
and they are expanding like crazy.
I'm telling you, it is only a matter of
time before the Chinese take us over.
Oh, they've always been very
secretive for a fish factory.
And do you ever feel like maybe
they're using that fish smell
to cover up, like, maybe
some other mysterious smell?
- Mmm.
- It is an incredibly strong smell.
- It's turned me off of fish.
- Me, too!
- That's so bad.
- Oh, I'm off of fish.
And I used to eat so much
fish, guys, I mean...
- I love fish. - 'Cause fish has
all the good fatty acids, right?
- A good fish, a solid fish?
- Protein, omega numbers...
- So many omegas-- threes, fours and fives.
- Melts in your mouth.
You get to eat
all your scales.
- Don't eat the scales.
- No, you don't eat the scales.
You know, you don't get scales
unless it's a fish or a reptile.
- You got to get them...
- Don't eat reptiles.
Yeah, not eating all
reptiles, just the good ones.
Okay, guys, we got a plan.
Dee, come with us.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna help us gather intel.
- Okay.
- Let's do it, come on.
- There she goes.
- Let's go.
All right, and then, uh, what
do Frank and I do?
Well, you guys just hang
back, uh, do your thing.
Don't eat reptiles
and just hang out.
- What?
- What, you're going with Dee over us?
- Right.
- Yeah.
I-Is this 'cause you guys have been
living at her place ever since your fire?
You know what I mean? I feel like you burn
your place down, you move into Dee's,
and now you're, like,
getting all buddy-buddy...
- Yeah. Yeah, chummy-chummy.
- Yeah, I-I guess so.
- You know, if you need.
- That's crazy!
Dee over us? I mean, you
can't count on her.
You're completely
unreliable, Dee, really.
You're, like, all gangly and
uncoordinated.
And she's constantly gonna
back-sass you.
Oh, she'll argue with
everything you say.
- You know, it's bullshit.
- No, you know what's bullshit?
Me getting boxed
out all the time.
And these guys have finally realized, by
living with me, that old Dee is pretty cool
after all, and pretty
funny, too.
So maybe I shouldn't be the butt
of everybody's jokes anymore.
Let's... let's not
get crazy, Dee.
- Yeah, you're always gonna be the butt
of our jokes. - Whatever, let's roll.
- Yeah, we're still gonna make jokes
at your expense. - That's okay, let's go.
Yeah, uh... just hang.
Uh, we're good.
- Huh?
- What the hell was that?
Something stinks here, Charlie,
and it ain't just the fish.
Dude, the other day, I was trying
to get in the back office...
- Yeah?
- Dennis had the door locked.
- Mac locked the door, too!
- What is that?
Who locks the office door?
I feel like they're always sneaking around
now, and they're all, like, nervous.
Something big is
definitely going down.
I got a plan. You know what?
How about you and I spy
on that Chinese factory?
Yeah, but, Charlie, I trust the Chinese
as far as I could throw their factory.
- Mm-hmm. - But the real threat isn't
abroad, Charlie; It's right here at home.
We got to spy on
Mac and Dennis.
♪ ♪
- Oh, God, that smell!
- Whew!
The air quality in
here is terrible!
How do these people
survive in this?
Oof. Well, you
know the Chinese.
It's like, business first,
breathing second, goddamn it!
At least we know that
it's a real fish factory,
not some sort of
a front for something.
- Well... - Well, Dee, we don't
know that for sure, okay?
And that's why you got
to get a job here.
I got to get a job here?
What am I looking for?
Shady practices, you know?
Sketchy dealings. Schematics.
Uh, human rights violations,
anything, Dee.
Just-just, you know,
gather intel.
Okay. What are you
guys gonna do?
Dee, you're on a need-to-know
basis here, okay?
There's a chain of
command here, okay?
- You're at the very bottom. Yeah.
- You're way down.
Well, at least tell me
what the whole plan is.
Dee, the one time we bring you
in on a thing instead of Charlie
and all we get is
back-sass and questions?
- Do you want to be on
the team or not? - Yeah.
Yeah, I want to be part of
the team, okay? Yes, sorry.
So how do I gather
the intel?
Oh, Jesus Chri...
Talk to people.
I don't know, flirt with the
manager.
He'll love how "pretty" and
"blonde" you are.
Don't do that. I'm blonde.
Look, my mind goes to that
office up there, you know?
What kind of shady
shit's going on in there?
And now I'm doing
your job for you.
You know what, let's just go get Charlie,
'cause I don't want to hold her hand
- through the whole process.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No Charlie.
No Charlie, okay? I got
this, you guys, I got this.
- Don't worry about me, I got this.
- Okay, we need you, Dee. Go.
- Go.
- Go.
It sucks not having
our own apartment.
We got to get back
in there, dude.
I know. I hate Dee.
Dennis, I hate her.
I know, I know, but at least we got her
out of our hair for a little while.
- Yeah.
- We can finally do our plan.
Yes, okay.
- Oh, goddamn it.
- What is that?
Goddamn it! All right, look.
Let's just deal with it, and then
we can get back to business.
Yeah, okay. All right, all right.
I'm coming!
- I'm coming, Jesus Christ... oh.
- Hey, guys.
What do you want, Charlie?
We're busy.
I wanted to apologize
about, um,
snapping earlier today with
words at you guys, and then
I came here to make an apology...
apology words.
- What's he talking about?
- I-I don't know. I don't remember.
- Okay, thank you.
- Well, hang on! Hang on a second.
I got you guys a flower
arrangement for you.
Great. Thanks.
- Give it to him.
- You can't just have it. There's a plan.
I have to come in
and give it to you.
- And put it down.
- All right, fine.
Come in, put them
down and then go.
- Okay, and I'm in.
- He's in.
Okay. Uh...
Put the vase close to them,
so we can see them.
Right. Okay... and good.
And where are you guys spending
the most of your time?
It's a very small apartment.
We're all over the place.
- Just put them anywhere.
- And I'll put them down right here, then.
No. No good, move them.
Can't put them
here, though.
Where can I put them?
Dude, any... put them in the
trash, for all we care.
- I don't...
- Putting them a little further back, so...
- Yeah, that's good.
- And right about here.
Uh, great, we don't care.
It's fine.
No, to the left.
To the left, you say?
Didn't say that.
Don't talk out loud to me.
Roger that.
- Who's Roger?
- Who's Roger?
Just...
thinking about legally
changing my name to Roger.
What's wrong with
your ear, dude?
S... spider crawled up in my ear.
It was living there.
Right.
Sends its thoughts to me.
Is it telling you to leave?
Spider, can I leave?
To the left.
Right there, that's good.
- Okay.
- Now get out of there.
Oh, Jesus Chr...
- Let's get back to business, please.
- Yeah, come on.
I was doing a little research earlier,
and I stumbled upon something huge.
Hey, man.
Can you hear and see everything?
- They're talking about research.
- Research, huh?
It is everything that
we've been looking for.
Dude, it's gonna save us so much time.
It is a game-changer.
Check this out.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
There's so much
potential here!
- What is it?
- This is great!
- I can't see.
- Yeah, shit.
So, listen, do me a favor. Give me
a little bit of time with this, okay?
Let me dig in to this a little bit,
see what the potential really is.
- Yeah, I'll give you some space. Okay.
- Yeah. Oh, oh, wait, Mac.
- Yeah?
- One more thing.
Mm-hmm.
Throw those goddamn
flowers in the trash.
Yeah. Right.
Pieces of shit.
- Goddamn it!
- Son of a bitch.
We got to get our
hands on that laptop!
Right.
Name's Dee.
I'm new around here.
So, what's the deal
with these masks, huh?
Are they gonna protect you from the fish
or protect the fish from you-- am I right?
No. I didn't get that.
You chop fish, pull gut!
"Pull gut." Totally, yeah.
Listen, I'm gonna pop this off 'cause
it's not protecting me from the smell,
so I'm not really sure
what the point is.
Hey.
Give me the skinny.
Are you guys up to anything
non-fish related around here or...?
Seriously? All
right, goddamn it.
You are of no use to me.
Oh, here we go.
Uh, excuse me. Hello.
Hi. Um...
Uh, my name's Dee and I'm
new around here,
and I just would love to chat with
you sometime in private, you know?
Maybe up in your secret
private office up there?
I need you to chop
fish and pull the gut.
Yeah. No, I get it. I-I get that
you're a chop fish, pull gut factory.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Don't go anywhere. Hi.
Um, uh, how about
this, huh?
Uh-oh. What do
you see, huh?
American girl, blue
eyes, blonde hair...
It got me! It got me good!
Aah! It got in my mouth!
It's getting in...
Hi. Hey, guys.
What are you doing, dude?
You texted us 911.
- What's the emergency?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah, uh, well,
our friendship's in
danger, so...
- I stole Frank's credit card. You guys
want to have lunch? - You got Frank's card?
- I got the card.
- I'm annoyed, but I could eat.
- All right, let's go. - Yeah, to be honest
with you, my taste for fish is returning.
- Yeah, I've been thinking about it all day.
- My taste for fish is slowly returning, too.
Yeah. And Guigino's does have
the best fish. Very well!
All right, you know, maybe, uh... maybe
just order a couple apps though.
I think Frank would prefer that.
You know, that's...
Who cares what
Frank prefers?
We're buying this food with
his stolen credit card.
And I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.
- Uh, welcome back, gentlemen.
- I'm sorry. Do I know you, pal?
I've never seen this man
before in my life.
I waited on you before.
You tied my shoelaces together.
- I fell down.
- I'm getting nothing.
- I'm drawing a blank on this guy.
- Yeah, yeah, that means nothing to me.
- What are you saying? - A scalding hot
plate of spaghetti fell into my face?
I'm to remember every man I've seen
fall into a plate of spaghetti?
Never mind. Uh, can
I get your order?
- Get me the snapper, bozo.
- Snapper fish for the man.
Actually, our fish supplier
had an incident at their facility,
so we are limited on fish.
Market price is
quite high today.
Do you have
the snapper or not?
Yeah, uh, we do.
But it's $44.
Ooh. Oh, my God. All right.
Well, then, let's do some
cheaper chicken or, uh...
Well, no. I'm in a fish mood now.
Fish has been established.
- It was established, wasn't it?
- Yeah, it was. So three snappers.
Yeah, why are we talking
about it so much?
- Get the goddamn snappers!
- Okay... oh...
- Get the snapper!
- Jesus Christ.
- Who is that guy?
- Guigino's is slipping.
- It's slipping.
- It is, they are slipping.
- They do have great fish, though.
- So, what's going on with our friendship?
Yeah.
Okay.
Ha!
Charlie, I'm in.
How you doing? You having lunch?
Keeping them busy?
Uh, yeah, but slight hitch, though.
The snapper is, uh, $44.
What?! No, no, no, no $44!
Get them appetizers.
I know, but, like, they want
fish and I kind of want fish, too,
and the waiter said it's
the market price, so...
All right. Wait,
I got the laptop.
Let me go to the search
history.
Holy shit!
Damn it! Sweeping up
fish guts with a broom!
Got to be some kind of
workers' rights violation.
What are you...?! Aah! You idiot! What
are you picking it up with your hands?!
Uh, hell no, lady, no.
Uh, look, I realize this might
all be moon talk to you,
but I'm not touching fish
guts with my hands, okay?
You know what we could do?
Yeah, let's just disperse it.
You know what I mean?
Just send it all over the place!
Nobody will know.
Just kind of... There we go.
Oh-oh. Look out!
I know...
Yeah, it's so crazy.
I saw that.
- Hey, Frank. Sweet hat and jacket.
- Don't.. Charlie, don't sit there.
- Huh?
- Sit back there.
- We got to be smart about this.
- Yeah, all right.
Why didn't we just meet back at
the apartment then?
- That would've been better.
- Because you got me thinking about fish.
Oh, right, nice. Yeah.
Get the snapper. It's delicious.
- Mmm.
- Hi. How can I help you?
Oh, perfect.
You're here now, too.
You're talking to me
like you know me.
- Have we ever met?
- Let's just move past this part.
- What can I get you?
- I'm gonna have the snapper.
And I'm gonna buy one for the strange
man behind me who I've never met.
Gentlemen, I hate
to inform you two...
strangers here that
we are out of snapper.
We had some issues with our local supplier,
so we are completely out of fish today.
How do you not have fish?!
It says "Fresh fish
daily" on the menu.
Well, I just explained it.
I went step by step.
But how come you don't have
it? It's on the menu!
- For the reasons I said.
- You have no snapper?!
- There's a sequence of events...
- It says right here snapper...
- Do you have fish or do you not have fish?
- Can I get you a non-fish entree?
- You can get lost.
- With pleasure.
All right, so... what
did you find out?
I think I know what
those guys are up to.
Can I just sit over there? 'Cause
I feel like the cover's blown now,
- and now I have to go like... You know
what I mean? - All right, sit over here.
I think I know what
they're up to.
- Okay, what?
- I think Mac and Dennis
are going into business with
the Chinese guys across the street.
- What? - They're gonna open up
some kind of pastry factory!
What? What makes
you think that?
I saw it on their
search history.
Only two words came up.
"Asians..."
and "cream pies."
Oh, shit.
They're gonna turn Paddy's into some
kind of Asian cream pie factory!
- Those bastards!
- Yeah!
- Oh, my God!
- Sons of bitches!
- So, what are we gonna do?
- We got to beat them at their own game.
Okay, the Chinese want cream
pies, they'll get cream pies.
But only, they're not gonna
get them from those bozos.
They're gonna be getting
their cream pies from us.
Can I go now?
Because I feel like you had
a really long session last time.
I did, yeah, I went on
for a long, long time,
but that's how much
it takes, all right?
I'm trying to build up to something,
to-to a major finish, you know?
And-and I didn't get to because
Charlie interrupted us
with his goddamn
emergency lunch.
What are you doing?
I really don't want to stumble
across whatever it is
that you're stumbling across.
Let me finish.
- Wait, no, this... we got
a problem here. - What?
- The Internet's not working.
- What?
No... No!
Come on!
- Oh, son of a bitch. - What is it,
Charlie? We're in the middle of a crisis.
Trouble getting online?
Yeah, how did you know that?
We need to talk.
Hi, how can I help...
Oh, you're back.
Why do you look
familiar to me?
I'm the waiter you
didn't tip earlier.
Yeah, well, you're not gonna get
tipped again with that attitude.
We'll take the snapper.
Uh, this guy, too.
He's-he's with us.
Well, as I told this gentleman only
moments ago, we are out of fish today.
We came to Guigino's for
the fish.
- It says "Fresh fish daily."
- Uh, you know what, Dennis?
I'll have a plate of piping
hot spaghetti instead.
Extra sauce.
All right. You know what?
That sounds good.
I'll-I'll take spaghetti, too.
Nice and sloppy.
So you do remember me.
- We're busy! Okay? Can we get spaghetti?
- He wants spaghetti.
- I want spaghetti, too, please.
- He's gonna get spaghetti.
- Just get us the spaghetti.
- And some snapper fish, if you have it.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, thank you...
- What's that guy's attitude?
- I don't know what that guy's deal is.
Hey, you know what we should do? We
should tie his shoelaces together.
Classic! When he falls,
it'll spill all over.
Yeah, the spaghetti
will get on him!
Oh, I've always
wanted to see that.
Hey, can I come sit with you guys?
'Cause I feel my cover's blown, here.
You don't have a goddamn cover; You're,
uh, dressed like it's Halloween.
- Come over here.
- All right, I'm coming over.
All right.
- Now, what's going on, man?
- What's going on?
Listen, Frank's onto you. That's why
I had Dee's Internet shut down.
- He knows what you're doing.
- Oh, come on.
- Frank knows what we're doing?
- Yes!
And honestly, guys, you should be
ashamed of yourselves. Really.
What? I'm not ashamed.
I'm a little bit ashamed, but
I think that's natural.
Well, look, here's the thing. Now
Frank wants to start doing it, too.
- So what?
- So what? Let him do it.
Well, he wants me
to do it with him.
I assumed you two
did that already.
- Me, too.
- No!
And now he wants us to do it
with the Chinese guy across the street,
so I knew you wouldn't
be into that.
Well, no, I'm not into that.
That's bizarre.
Exactly. I feel like I should
be doing it with you guys.
- Ah...
- Come on, man.
This is getting
weird and messy.
- I-I don't want to get you involved.
There's too many people. - Come on, guys.
- Just go do it with Frank.
- I know... okay, well, is Dee in on it?
- Ew! God, no!
- Why would we... ugh.
That's why she's at the
factory, to distract her.
Come on, guys. It should
be you and me, okay?
I like cream pies as much
as the next guy.
Oh, shh... don't-don't
say it out loud.
Well, okay, okay, okay. Let me make a...
cream pie... for you, okay?
Then you can try it.
See what you think.
I do not want to taste
your cream pie.
They taste great,
I can guarantee it.
You've tasted yours?
Of course I have.
Haven't you?
- No!
- I've tasted mine.
- I didn't like it.
- I've tasted mine, yeah.
- I-I liked mine.
- Whatever, dude.
If you don't care about the
taste, fine, all right?
But they're not just
gonna be for us anyway.
- It's not... what?
- What?
We're gonna sell them to
everyone in Philly.
Who the hell's gonna
want to buy them?
Everyone's gonna want to buy
them, everyone loves them,
- especially little kids.
- Ew... dude!
- Little kids?
- I'd love watching a kid do it.
Dude, you are gonna get
in a lot of trouble.
Hell, no, dude. It's not like I'm gonna
do it without the parents' permission,
I'll do everything...
- No parent is gonna let you...
- Where are you gonna go?
The parents are gonna watch.
They're gonna be so psyched...
They're not gonna
want to watch!
- What are you talking about? No. - Oh, we
got to go overseas for that. That's just...
No, you don't.
That's as American as it gets.
Guys, you gotta think about this
as a business venture, right?
The three of us combine our ingredients,
making, like, one gigantic,
delicious cream pie, some
little kid sucking it down
and he's paying us
for the pleasure.
Hang on a second.
What kind of cream pie
are you talking about?
What... kind of cream pie
are you talking about?
♪ ♪
Cream pies.
Everyone loves them.
Comedians, baseball players,
even protestors.
Cream pies are a rich American
tradition and also delicious.
Mmm, my mouth's getting wet just
watching her eat that cream pie.
Asians know electronics.
And fish.
But Americans
know cream pies--
except for them.
God bless cream pies,
and God bless America.
And China, too.
♪ ♪
Look, I'm an experienced
businessman
with a long history
in Asian countries.
Imagine my cream pie
taste and know-how
combined with your
underpaid labor force.
We could corner
the cream pie market!
Wait, wait just a second.
It's, uh... it's my
business partner.
Hello? I'm in the middle
of the meeting now.
The video killed.
What do you mean, it's not the
same kind of cream pie?
Oh, wait, I'll look.
♪ ♪
Holy shit!
Holy shit...
Well, it looks like
relying on old Dee
really paid off for you
guys after all, huh?
What are you talking about?
Wh... my series of accidents shut the whole
factory down for, like, a couple days.
Dee, we never asked you to
shut down the factory.
Yeah, that's what's been
driving up the price of fish.
Yeah, snapper's way up.
Snapper's through the roof.
You can't even get snapper!
We're out of snapper, Dee!
Look, you see, I told you
you can't count on her.
Oh, and by the way, we stole our Wi-Fi
from that place, too. Did you know that?
Oh, so now we got no
Wi-Fi because of you.
Actually, we're pretty dependent
on that Chinese factory.
- We need the Chinese, Dee, we need the...
- Yeah, for the cream, for the cr...
Don't-don't... All right,
guys, you know what?
She seems fine and I'm
not worried about her.
Let's-let's go discuss our research
a little bit further, yeah?
Ooh, for what, for what?
For one of our next schemes?
Yeah. Yeah. For the next scheme, Dee.
Uh, we'll be in touch.
Oh. You guys could just do that here,
you... Wait, I can call for more chairs!
Listen, guys, uh, first of
all, I'm gonna suggest that we
reset our browser each time
we do a research session.
- That's a good idea. For privacy.
- Right.
Yeah, and, you know, we're
spying on ourselves.
That doesn't really gather any
useful information.
- No, it's just all porn.
- Right.
We should keep spying on the
Chinese, though.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Actually, when I was over there,
I looked at their search
history; It's all porn, too.
- Is it?
- Ah, we're all doing it.
I think what you're gonna
find when you're spying
on the general population is
that everyone is just, uh...
- masturbating constantly.
- I know I am.
And yet you've never
heard of a cream pie.