It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 7 - Mac Kills His Dad - full transcript

A tragic ferry
accident today--

apparently a ferry rammed
into the shoreline

at full speed near a local
power plant there.

There are multiple fatalities
and injuries reported at this hour.

That's really depressing, and how
do you lose control of a ferry?

They're slow as shit.

- Guy must've been drunk.
- Yeah.

Hey-yo! Check out
my new threads.

Picked them up
at the airport.

What were you doing
at the airport?

I don't know, just
farting around.

I found this shop
full of this stuff.

Look at that! I got
some for everybody.

"Life is happy"?
What the hell is that?

Well, it's-it's clothing that
supports a positive message.

I mean, you wear it and you
celebrate that life is happy, baby.

In other news, a man is in custody
for murder of a state witness

who was brutally beheaded by
an assailant wielding a stop sign.

A man seeking justice is beheaded
by a maniac with a stop sign.

You're right, Frank,
life is happy.

The suspect in custody is
a 59-year-old repeat felon

by the name of
Luther MacDonald.

Holy shit-- that's my dad!

If convicted, MacDonald could
face the death penalty.

Can you believe what they're saying
about my dad having killed that guy?!

- Mmmm.
- Yeah.

Yeah, why-why wouldn't
I believe that?

No way.

This has got to be bullshit. He's innocent,
and I'm not gonna let the State kill him.

I'm gonna save
my dad's life.

- Thanks for coming with me, man.
- Well, you're forcing me to.

- Yeah, well...
- So I'm here.

Of course, of course. We got
to show support for my dad, right?

We got to let him know that we
know he didn't do it.

I know, but I believe
that he did, so...

- Well, are you gonna be cool?
- I'll be cool, you know,

as long as he doesn't ask us to shove
heroin up our ass again, I'll-I'll be cool.

He might
and I might do it.

Well, you would enjoy
it more than I would.

- Uh, here he comes.
- Oh, here he comes.

Oh, Dad! He looks great, huh? Dad!
Da-Dad! Hey! How are you?

It's been so long! Look! I-I
brought a picture of Mom here

just to make you feel more at home.
She looks good, right?

And, uh, me-- what about me?
How do I look? Do I look cool?

- Give it a rest.
- Do I look cool?

What do you want?

Uh, we-we just wanted to come
by and tell you that we believe

that there is no way
that you did this.

You didn't do
it, right, Dad?

No.

Right. I knew it!
I knew it!

Another innocent man being
railroaded by the system!

Besides, there's no way that
you could've done this.

You have a bad shoulder

and that's why you could never
have a catch with me, remember?

- Right.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, Charlie and I just want to let
you know that we will not rest

until you are
proven innocent.

Look,

I got a lawyer
appointed to me.

It'll be fine.

No, uh, uh, sorry,
uh, Mr. Mac, uh,

you really don't want to put your life
in the hands of a public defender.

I mean, those guys
are absolute clowns.

I tell you what-- I'd be interested
to take a look at your case,

you know, if-if you want
a little outside help.

I specialize in bird law mostly,
but I know my way...

Stay out of this!

Both of you!

I do not want you
stirring things up!

You hear me?

Yeah, I-I-I-I-I
hear you, Dad.

Um, one last thing, though.

I love you and I...

Oh, I love you!
I love you, Dad!

- I love you! He can't hear me because of
this... - Uh, he definitely heard you.

And the glass is too thick.

I think there's something...
something wrong with that.

- Yeah.
- Uh, all right.

We're now being told the ferry
captain was intentionally

trying to steer the ferry into
the nearby power plant.

The captain has tested negative
for alcohol and drugs.

The guy wasn't even drunk!

This was a sober man purposely
steering a ship into a power plant.

Oh, God, the world is
a very depressing place.

You guys are depressing.

I'm trying to enjoy
my cone over here.

Turn that crap off!

Yeah, baby!

There they are! The
usual suspects!

Pondy! Just the man
I want to see!

Now, this man loves life!

I'd love to get
into some shots.

Line them up, Frankie!
Line them up!

Now we got some
positive vibes in here.

You are his AA sponsor,
right?

Never change, Dee.
I love it! Come on!

Do a shot with me.
Come on-- shot, shot, shot!

I gotta say I feel like a shot
might make me feel better.

I think I need to do
a shot at this point.

- All right, to the brim.
- Let's go, Frank, all right.

Yeah, you're looking pretty dapper there,
Bill-- you hittin' it hard, or what?

- I'm celebrating today, baby.
- What's the special occasion?

I'm gonna kill myself.

What?

Yeah, no, no, I'm gonna
drink myself to death.

Yeah, I botched it.
Life, you know?

Old B.P. had a good
run, though, you know?

It-It's like there's this tiny little
soul man in my body driving me around.

That little soul man's ready
to power old Bill down

and move on to the next
party monster.

Aw, come on, you guys
own a bar, right?

You watch people slowly kill
themselves every day, am I right?

Keep it open.

♪ ♪

Charlie, this is
a huge waste of time.

No, no, no, no, this is
standard procedure.

They do this on
every crime show.

You know, the murder police come
down to the scene of the crime

and they find some blue-collar guy
and they talk to him while he's working.

Let's just talk to this guy over
here-- he could know something, right?

Why would he
know anything?

He's moving crates
from one place to...

Will you just listen to me?
All right?

Excuse me, sir, uh,
do you work here?

- Yeah.
- Please, don't stop your work.

They never do on TV. Go ahead
and place that bag down.

Uh, now, are you familiar
with the beheading

that took place
here last week?

- Are you a cop? - No. But, uh, I do
work on the behalf of the accused.

I'm taking care of his
interests and whatnot.

This is his son,
uh, Ronald.

You're Luther's kid?

Yeah. That's right, bozo. And I'm willing
to do whatever it takes to make sure

- he doesn't get the death penalty,
all right? - Is that a threat?

Why don't you tell
us what you saw.

I didn't see either
of those guys, okay?

- There was more than one guy?
- I said too much.

I don't want any
trouble, okay?

Well, then stop giving us trouble,
and tell us if there was another guy.

- My lips are sealed, guys. - Then unseal
them, or I'll unseal them for you!

Hey, hey, hey, what the hell are you doing?
You can't threaten this guy.

Threaten? I wasn't
threatening him.

How do you not know what
a threat sounds like?

- Oh, you mean the "lips" thing?
- Yes, the "lips" thing.

Charlie, he's got words in his
lips-- I needed to get them out.

I know the words are in his
lips-- I saw them in there.

Just let me... you know,
let me coax them out.

Otherwise, you're gonna freak the guy out,
all right? Just let me handle it, okay?

Sir, your lips are fine. I...

Great.

That happens to us
way too much.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't really
care that much about Bill,

I just don't want him
dying in the bar.

We've had too many
deaths in there already.

We should probably try
not to have another one.

We got to show Pondy
life is worth living.

Right. I'm not real excited about
Maureen being a part of this,

but yeah, we'll do it.

Ah. W...

- Hello, Dennis.
- Oh, God.

Maureen, what's going on with your face?
What have you done?

I've had a few surgical procedures
to enhance my natural beauty.

- You look like a cat.
- Yes, exactly. Cats are beautiful.

- Where are your breasts?
- Oh, they're in my face.

Great. Um, I don't really
have time for this shit, so,

have you gathered
Bill's family for us?

Me-yes.

You kids remember
Uncle Dennis?

He came to talk to us about something
important. Go ahead, baby.

- Yeah. Uh...
- Are you two getting back together?

- Oh, no.
- I think so.

- Uh, no, never.
- Uh, uh, okay.

Um, listen, you guys, your dad--
He needs your help right now.

- He's in a pretty tough spot.
- I don't call him "Dad."

I call him Mr. Cocksucker,
'cause he sucks so many cocks.

Weird. Uh, I'm not going
to call him that, okay?

- I'll just refer to him as "Bill,"
I guess from now... - Yeah.

Okay, so, listen,
here's the thing.

He is at our bar right now
drinking himself to death.

Oh, that's fantastic.

What? No, that's not
fantastic.

- The man's trying to kill himself.
- If he dies, we get money.

When I get my money, I want
to buy a new cell phone.

I'm gonna a gun, because I'm
the man of the house.

- Oh, shit, no. This kid
should not have a... - No.

No, no. Please. We're trying to show
Bill that life is worth living.

Your dad loves you.

- No, he doesn't.
- Oh.

- No.
- Has he not said it?

- Because I'm telling you, he just...
- He does.

No. He told me. He said, "I
do not love you. You're a punk."

He called me too
fat to be a slut,

and tried to serve me an
omelet with cocaine in it.

Listen, guys, this is about
forgiving Bill, your dad, okay?

- It's not about blaming him.
- No.

Oh, I blame you, too.

You and the other
hookers he slept with.

Hold on a second. I'm not...
I'm not a hooker.

- I never have been.
- Nah.

- You're a hooker.
- You're a fat slut!

Oh, oh. Oh, okay, all...

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. - And you...
you ruined his sister with the divorce,

and look at her face.

- She looks like a cat.
- Cats are magical.

I kind of like... I mean,
maybe you could get some fur.

Oh, I like that idea.

- What are you talking? No!
- Yeah.

Do you think you
could do a tail?

I don't see why
I couldn't do a tail.

- Don't-don't... No.
- Yeah. You could go full cat

and start wearing humans
on your sweatshirt.

No one is turning themselves into
a goddamn cat with my money!

Can we focus here?
Let-Let's...

let's get back to showing
Bill that life is happy.

Bill's a lying, cheating, drug-addict piece
of garbage, and we all hope he dies.

Yeah.

Hey, Dad, hey, um, so, I-I know
you told us to stay out of it,

but, but we found out that
there was another guy.

Also, we got a stop sign
and recreated the murder,

and there was no way that
you could have swung that.

Actually, I kind of jacked my
shoulder up a little bit, too.

Do you realize
what you've done?

No. Yeah. No. I told
him, Mr. Mac.

I said, "Hey, stealing a stop
sign-- that's a felony,"

and as your counsel,
I did advise against it.

I'm talking about you going
to the crime scene.

Word's out my son is
intimidating witnesses.

Now, that makes me
look like I'm guilty.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

- Your dad'd be a good lawyer.
- His idea.

But, look, the point is, we found
out that this other guy exists.

All we need to do is get his
name, and then I can rat on him.

Do not be a rat!

Stop... trying...
to handle it,

or I... am going to have to
handle you, okay?

Okay, Daddy.

Oh.

- I love you, Dad.
- Oh, let it go. Let it go.

Oh... it's just
I thought maybe...

- Yeah.
- It's not broken.

No. Yeah, it's working
fine, isn't it?

No, it works. He
seemed a little...

- he seemed a little upset.
- All right... plan "B" here.

I got an idea.

Why don't we check
the guest record,

right, because maybe that
guy came to visit my dad?

- Oh, the other guy signed in?
- Yes.

And, uh,
that's a good point.

Luther MacDonald visited
by... Bonnie Kelly?

Holy shit!

Well, that's the same
name as my mom.

It is your mom.

Nah. I'm sure there's plenty
of Bonnie Kellys.

You know, they probably all sign their name
with those weird, squiggly lines, and...

Cursive? Are-are you talking
about cursive, dude?

Uh...

cursing?

Cursive. Everybody can under...
Okay, look, doesn't matter.

We have to figure out why
she came to visit my dad.

And why is she signing
my mom's name?

Goddamn it, goddamn it.

Hey!

Bill, we want
to talk to you.

Hey, you guys see this? It was another
ferry that ran into the power plant.

Copycat crime.

- Hilarious, right?
- No!

No. There are black and white
areas in life, Bill,

- and that's a... that's a black area.
- Uh, look, turn it off.

We want to focus on the positive
in life now, Pondy.

Yeah, yeah, which is why we're all
wearing these ill-fitting T-shirts.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Okay, we want to show you some
reasons why life is worth living.

- Yeah.
- And, Dennis, you're up.

Okay, so, uh, I like
a good mani-pedi.

- Uh. - Yeah, I like... I like
a good, healthy nail. I love one.

You know, you get your... you
get your nail beds clean,

- you get your cuticles pushed back, right?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

- You get your hangnails all trimmed up...
- That's great.

...by one of those nice
ladies over there.

You know, a lot of
those are sex workers.

Yeah, the gals at the nail salon
there-- yeah, they're prostitutes.

They're trafficked in.
Usually in shipping containers.

I mean, they're, like, crammed in
there, you know, like-like sardines,

- shipped with sardines sometimes.
- Oh.

It's ugly, but
the point is,

those ladies doing your nails probably
tugged a guy off right before you.

They ship 'em in in
shipping containers?

That's depressing as hell.

- Uh, uh...
- Goddamn!

- All right, Dee?
- Me?

- You, you're up, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Hey, Bill, you know,

for me, uh, really it's just the simple
things that I like in my life,

like a moonlight walk
or a-a cozy, warm nap.

Or a delicious, ripe piece
of fruit, you know?

- Oh.
- Mmm.

The, uh, sex workers use
fruit during the act.

- What? - Yeah. Yeah, well, the citrus
masks the taste of a dirty penis.

In fact, 95% of fruit has usually
been in someone's orifice

- before it even reaches the market.
- Okay.

Okay, I'm done.
He's ruined fruit for me,

- so I'm done.
- You've made fruit depressing.

All right, well, I got this.

Okay, all right, what makes
me happy is, like, you know,

at night, a ride around town in
a limousine, partying, having a good time.

When I'm on my way
home, I'll pass a bum.

I take a balloon with some champagne
in it, lob it out and bean him.

He only gets a little
bit in his mouth.

- He doesn't get the whole thing.
- Right.

Not even a full sip of it.
And you say,

"Hey, how do you like a taste of
the good life, you sack of shit?"

- Hey, that's a...
- God, that is awful!

That is a horrible thing to do
to another human being!

Goddamn you!

Hey, get over here, Frank.
Get over here.

- Okay, that's it, I'm done.
- Well...

All right, this is depressing as shit.
I'm not doing this anymore.

In fact, I'm starting to think
that his family was right.

You guys, what if we took out
a life insurance policy on the guy?

I mean, if he's gonna
do it anyway,

we might as well make
a little money off of it.

- Hmm, that's dark.
- Yeah, I know.

But can you take a life insurance
policy out on anybody?

Does it work that way?

Mm, it's a gray area, but
I think I got a guy,

I could twist his arm,
we could get one.

Okay, I say we embrace
the gray area of life, okay,

because what we're
doing is not working.

What, the State can murder somebody
without them even wanting to die

but a grown man can't kill
himself if he wants to?

A man should be able to end
his life if he wants...

- He's a grown American man.
- We're American.

Aw, to hell with him.
We tried. I give up.

- Great, Frank.
- Glad you're on our side.

- Mmm.
- You're a terrible sponsor, by the way.

Yeah.

Okay, so why were you
visiting Luther, Mom?

- I went to go...
- She don't know nothin' about nothin'.

Look, we know there was another
guy in on this, all right?

So, come on, anything
you can give us.

He was staying here
for a few months.

He was here for a few months? Mom,
why wouldn't you tell me that?

Mm.

Okay, well-well, was he here
on the night of the murder?

Uh, no.

- Mom, don't lie, okay?
Okay, yes.

- Quiet, Bonnie.
- No, no.

Mom, if you know something,
you got to tell me.

I can't lie to my Charlie.

Good! Tell me everything.

Okay. They were both here.

They were both inside me.

Eduardo was in my mouth, and
Luther was in my butt.

Oh, my God, no, don't
tell me everything.

- What? No! What?!
- Damn it, Bonnie.

- Eduardo who?
- Sanchez.

Holy shit. Tell us more.

Then Luther went in
Eduardo's butt for a while.

Tell us less. Tell us less.

Then they both "completed"
on each other.

I-I was left out
of the finale.

And then Eduardo went out
and then he killed somebody

and then... th... Well,
that's all I know.

Jesus goddamn Christ, Mom.
If you know that, just say that.

Don't tell me the whole thing about banging
every single guy that comes in the house.

If you just know about-about the murder,
just say the murder part! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, this is crazy.
You guys know what this means?

That my father was trying
to establish dominance,

and that's the only reason
he was in his butt or...

What are you tal... Why
are you focused on that?

- Well, it's about power.
- We have our guy now.

I feel like we should make that
known, that it's about power, okay?

- Let's not make any of it known.
- We got to go to the police.

Don't be a rat.

All right, look, Mrs. Mac, we're
not gonna rat, all right?

We're gonna figure
something else out. Good?

Mm.

Okay, you're off
words again.

Great. Uh, and, Mom, don't bang every
guy that comes into the house.

- How 'bout that?
- Okay, I won't, sweetie.

Okay.

- It is my gift to you.
- This is... this is great. Thank you.

Guys, guys, guys, we've had a
major break in my dad's case.

What's Ponderosa
doing here?

Oh, he's, uh, gonna
drink himself to death,

so we took out a life
insurance policy on him.

Oh, cool, yeah.
Pretty dark, though, right?

We've been over this.

- We've justified this already.
- Don't worry about it. We're okay with it.

Fair enough. Uh, turns out that
Mac's dad didn't kill the guy.

No, there was another
man in on this.

Yeah, it's gonna look really bad if
I rat on this man Eduardo Sanchez,

- so I can't say his name.
- Uh...

You just did. You
just ratted him out.

You said his name.

By the way, another guy being there
doesn't mean that your dad didn't do it.

He might've done it
with the other guy.

Oh, no, uh, my dad established
dominance over this man.

All right, well, let's not...

- Oh, what-what does that mean?
- What's this?

Uh, there's some weird
prison sex going on.

He may or may not have
been a power bottom.

The bottom line is he talked his
lover into doing the murder for him.

- Not his lover, his prison bitch.
- Hey, what if I confess? Hmm?

What?

Yeah, I could take my own
life while saving your dad's.

Everybody wins.

Well, yeah, except everyone would
think that you decapitated

- a man with a stop sign.
- Ooh, even better.

Oh, that'll really
embarrass the wife.

Okay, I like where this is going, but
I got to bring something up here. Um,

if you were to do that-- and I don't
want to be crass or, you know--

but how would that
affect, uh, the...

- Oh, we still get the money.
- Yeah?

I bought the most
expensive policy I could.

- Great.
- Let's go confess, baby!

Yeah.

I can't... I'm sorry.

I just... I don't get how it's dominant
if they finished on each other.

- How is that dominant?
- It's dominant because he finished first.

Then he allowed
Eduardo to finish.

No, you're making that up.
You don't know that.

- Oh, oh, there's Bill.
- Oh, hey.

Well, I did it.
I confessed.

Why aren't you in
handcuffs then?

Weirdest thing, I'm sitting in
the interrogation room, you know,

sobering up a little bit, looking
at myself in the two-way mirror and

I kept reading this shirt.

Yeah. Yeah, I started thinking,
"You know what, life is happy.

I want to live!"

Well, then what did
you confess about?

Eduardo Sanchez. That guy
you were talking about?

Turns out he's some big gang member
that they've been after for years.

Yeah, your dad's innocent.

Holy shit, my
dad's gonna get off.

That means I'm a hero!

I did it!

- Dad, Dad, we did it.
- We did it.

Yeah, we did it!

They're gonna nail this Eduardo Sanchez
guy and you're gonna walk free.

I saved you.

- Saved me?
- Yeah.

You buried me.

Now everyone in here
thinks I'm a rat.

They're gonna
kill me in here.

Because of you.

I'm-I'm sorry.

I still love you.

I don't.

He definitely heard you.

You know, he can...
he can hear you.

He didn't mean that, though.
He was just upset.