It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 1, Episode 7 - When Thieves Fall In - full transcript

The storage order is correct.

The weight on the handcart is wrong.

Wait for my order.

Open the door.

Seal the door.

Lower the temperature.

Take it down all the way.

It won't affect the first, but
anything else will freeze to death.

Now you come over close to the window.

You of course have no knowledge
of an attempt to steal the Cavassa.

Of course not.



(Gunshot)

(Music)

Oh, look, Al.
I'm not asking you to spy.

Just asking you to steal.

(Music)

(Music)

It's your move, Miss Spencer.
Be careful or I'm liable to Bakst you into a corner.

Good defense, but I'm coming after you.

(Music)

The lenses are all out of focus
and the sound system's on the blink.

Better send for the repair service.

Looks like you've got me
in check, Miss Spencer.

Winner takes all.

A.I.



Offer my congratulations.

(Music)

Okay, I'll break it up.

The game's over.

We were just playing chess.

You're lucky I arrived in time.

One more move and he'd have had you mated.

Report Bakst to your unit, Miss Spencer.

You're a great competitor, officer.

I'll get you on the rematch.

This is Noah Bain.

Can you read me?

Yes, sir.

I want the following
briefing session recorded.

Briefing session?

What's that?

I know.

You're not a spy, you're a thief,
but this one is tailor-made for you, Al.

You know what this is?

Sable.

Baltic.

Gold medallion.

Prize quality.

Snatching stoles is not my bag.

Of course, a criminal mastermind
like you wouldn't soil his long, skinny

fingers on anything so
common as a fur heist.

But this is different, Al.

This is the Kavkar Sable.

It's an important coat.

Important coat.

Resign while you're ahead, Noah.

We'll notify the SIA you've
had a physical breakdown.

Look, it's not just the fur.

It's what's inside that counts.

What's inside, Noah?

The cloth chart
showing the exact

locations of all the
ICBM sites in Siberia.

It's quite a plot, Al.

It's an international frame-up.

The Kavkar Sable is going to be presented
as a gift to celebrate the signing

of a new trade treaty between the
Baltic states and the United Kingdom.

The daughter of the United Kingdom's
Minister of Commerce is going to

receive the Sable.

Then at the border, the secret police
step in and accuse the United Kingdom

of high-level espionage activities
with the map in the lining to prove it.

Both countries look bad
and the trade treaty falls apart.

Why don't you warn British Intelligence?

Well, there are factions on both
sides that are looking for any excuse to

break up that treaty.

We helped put it
together and we want

it to stick, but we
can't show our hand.

What's the catch, Noah?

Snatching furs is for beginners.
Why can't your agents handle it?

They tried to.

They got killed.

The Sable is kept under maximum
security in a refrigerated vault.

It's a blue fence of a building.

Guards, alarm
systems, concrete floors.

Nothing to it. We can
tunnel in from Finland.

There's no time.
The presentation ceremony is this week.

How about a double switch?

Okay, Al. What have you say?

I'll need some pictures of the
Minister of Commerce's daughter.

Her name is Sidna Cavendish.

A little like a bent Twiggy.

A friend of royalty.

Voted best dressed clothes horse.

We can give one of our agents a trick
haircut, buy her a pair of boots and a miniskirt

No, your agent wouldn't work. They're
nice girls, but they're too muscular.

And what's worse, they're honest.

What you need is a
trained professional thief.

No, absolutely not.
The State Department is after my...

I know a crook who could handle this.

And so do you. Do you remember that
girl in Montefiore at the casino who was

impersonating the Princess?

The one who left her my wallet?

She looks enough like Sidna
Cavendish to be her twin.

Forget it. Besides, we don't have time.

What about your big time
SIA computing machine?

A full-time pro must have a record.
Trace it.

We don't know her name.

Brown. Charlene.
Her friends call her Charlie or Chuck.

Right at your fingertips, huh?
What, were you planning a heist or a party?

Well, if I'm going to pull a double
switch, I have to have an accomplice.

Central control.

Put out a three-stage
computer trace on Charlene

Brown, a.k.a. Charlie
Brown, a.k.a. Chuck.

Felon, female.

Record and/or want.
SIA and Eastern Criminal Bureaus.

Subject, Charlene Brown.
Now serving one to three

years, grand larceny, 10701
Patapsco Correction Center.

There's your hotshot
professional, locked in prison.

Come on, Noah. Doing a stretch
in the slants is like going to finishing

school, studying with the masters.

Get out the Ritz and Springer.

No, absolutely not.
The SIA can't handle more than one of you.

Then fake her into somebody else's custody.

Whose?

Who else?

Parole a thief to a thief on parole.

They'll write books
about you in law school.

Send in 10701 C. Brown.

This is an unusual degree of kleptomania.
According to her record, she was

picked up for GTA.

I'm afraid you'll have to fill me
in on the technical details, GTA.

Grand Theft Auto.

Grand Theft Auto.

She drove a Rolls Royce
right off the showroom floor.

What's all this, Warden?
Some creepo claims he's my husband?

You remember me, Mrs. Brown? Fred Jackson.
I used to be in the oil business.

Oh, I know you from someplace.
You're a friend of... Your husband.

Hello, darling.

What a trip. My husband.

Our attorney has submitted notarized
copies of our marriage certificate.

The warden is releasing
you in your husband's custody.

In his custody?

Think of it as a
partnership. I'm sure if we

work hard together,
we can make a go of it.

Are we free to take up where we left off?

Nothing has changed.

Take me home.

Warden, you've made two people very happy.

You gotta be kidding.

You went to all the
trouble to forge the

papers and hype the
warden just to spring me

so that we can pull a
heist taking a fur coat.

You know better than that.

Al.

I wouldn't heist a double-breasted
chinchilla with ermine flaps.

He said fur coat. I didn't.

And I said "cob car sable."

Al.

It's no use. We've got to tell her.

You can't. Let him talk.

It's in the lining.

Al, that's classified information.

Classified?

Classified AAA by Lloyd's of London.

Look, Fred, she won't help us
unless I tell her why we want the coat.

Tell me. Tell me what's in the coat.

Diamonds.

My birthstone.

Worth one million dollars in cash.

My favorite amount.

She looks exactly like you.

Spitting image with a short
haircut and a wiggy wardrobe.

I can't let her steal the whole wardrobe.
- You can't pay for it. We're thieves, Noah, remember?

She was suspicious when you wouldn't let
her lift the furniture
out of the mansion.

It was government property.

Do you want her to help
us steal the cob car sable?

All right, we've got no choice.

Just close your eyes.

I'll slip you the price tags.
You can settle up when we leave.

You better know what you're doing.

Watch out for the pink-faced
man with the lizard eyes.

He's the floor fuzz.

And the lady with the shopping
bag is the assistant heat.

(music)

Oh, Daddy, they're smashing.

I prefer you in tweeds.

May I?

Yes, yes, you may. I'm Wellesley Hainsford.

This is my bride, Wendy,
and my accountant, Mr. Chilton.

Oh, something from our
fall collection, perhaps.

Perhaps.

This way?

Thank you.

Would you sit?

Thank you.

A cappuccino?

Oh, no, thank you.

Maybe later.

Excuse me.

(music)

Do you like it?
- Well, it's really not you.

Thought we'd start stealing.

Start? We haven't stopped.

Watch Chuck when she
tries on the next dress.

(music)

I don't see anything.

Look closer.

I still don't see anything.

Her skirts are getting longer
and she's putting on weight.

Oh, she is getting heavier.

She's got on three
miniskirts, two glasses,

a sports outfit,
and a street coat.

Won't they notice anything?

Not if we keep running up the bill.

No.

Oh, charming, charming.

Yes, we'll take two of those and I'd
like to have four of the evening gowns

in pink, white, avocado, and the persimmon.

I like the persimmon color.

Yes.

Mr. Chilton, what's your tally?

$18,720.26.

With tax, $21,340.

Oh, yes, the tax. Thank you.

She certainly carries fur as beautifully.

Do you have anything in white?
Floor length?

For the ballet.

I was thinking more for the horse show.

Oh.

Jack.

Well, she's doing all right.

How about you?

Well, we agreed ahead of time.
The accessories are in my bag.

I see. Do you want me to distract
the store detectives for you?

You'll never learn, Noah.

Those plastic heads are ex-cops. Put out to pasture.
They've been asleep for years.

The only time he ever gets up is when the models go by and the lady,
every time she goes to the water cooler,

she takes a sip out of her
flask from a shopping bag.

It's all right. He's with me.

I still think they can spot you.

You haven't spotted me.

You haven't done anything yet.

You see that Pearl necklace?

Watch.

How'd you do that?

Feel my arm. Squeeze.

You can use a workout.

They're not my arms. They're stuffed.

Stuffed?

Yeah. My hands are stuffed. The gloves are stuffed.
Watch.

Freaky, huh?

Come on. Let's get out of here.

Yeah. I can hardly walk.

Oh, I love you. Isn't it divine?
Say it's mine, Daddy.

It's mine, Daddy.

Come on. Can I have it?

All right, Wendy dear. You can have it.

Ah. Would you add up the total, please?
We're late for tea.

Go put your coat on, Wendy.

Can't I wear this one home?

We'll have it sent.

Will this be a check?

Oh, no, no. I prefer cash.

Cash?

Yes, it's always much
neater and Chilton

here. He carries
hoards of cash on him.

How much does it come to, Chilton?

$43,896.51.

Cash? I'll have to speak to the manager.

I suppose it's inconvenient.
An extra trip for the armored car.

Well, better make a check, children.

It's more customary.

Yes. Well, I want the things delivered
as soon as the check clears the bank.

Will you take care of that for me?

I'll supervise the delivery myself.

Thank you. Thank you.

I can't float a check for $43,000.

Checks cost a dime, Noah. Pay now, stop payment later.
Purchase completed. Nobody's hurt.

Here are the price tags
on the items copped.

Send in a real check later to
cover it and your conscience is clear.

Conscience? What's that?

It's meaning, Daddy.

Ten best dressed women in America.
Come on, let's split before I melt.

Easy on the arm.
- Oh, I forgot. It's not real.

(Music)

This side of that dividing fence
is the international free port.

Our escape plane will be
waiting on this side of the field.

The other side of that
fence is Baltic State territory.

Now, here are your passports.
Your tourist visas have cleared.

You know, you're very well organized.

He's got government connections.

We meet Bakst here at 2300.

Now, what kind of talk is that?
My clock goes up to 12 and crumps out.

That's 11 P.M. Baltic Standard Time.

Sid Noyes' visit is
scheduled for three days.

That's our way out. The customs
people will be ready for you in three days.

So, we'll make a run for it tonight.

We'll have a UN neutral observer standing
by to hurry you through on an emergency call.

Your daddy is ill in London.

See, the main thing is to hit them
quick with the diplomatic passports.

So that they won't have time
to check the lining of the code.

Once you're on this side of
the fence, they can't touch you.

Yes?

Why, it's you all ducks. It didn't run.

Thank you.

Well, the official party
is now entering customs.

So, get in as close as
you can and observe her.

Good luck.

Ta-ta, Freddie.

[Music]

Her accent is Mayfair.

Listen close so you don't
blow it with the Liverpool noise.

[Music]

V. W. Henderson, UK diplomatic
mission to the Minister of Commerce.

Dismiss Sid Noyes Cavendish.

It's a good thing I brought my own clothes.

She's a perfect 20-20-20.

Now, come on, admit it.

I am much prettier than she is.

You're gorgeous.

Now will you shut up?

The cat with the ball-bearing eyes
is the man currently starring in the

Baltic Police Department's
theater of cruelty.

Major Dimitri.

Will you handle the details?

Listen to me.
Diplomatic passport, special visa.

Guest of Kamysa Parashenko.

Miss Cavendish's luggage
will go straight to the hotel.

Oh, the Baltic Star Hotel, Presidium Suite.

That's correct.

You have lovely
accommodations, Miss Cavendish.

That's grand. That's grand.

We have a limousine waiting to
take you on a brief tour of the city.

The Kamysa thought perhaps you would
like to see the shipyards today and the

plan on East Germany.

Just a tiny, sure.

Miss Cavendish would like to freshen
up before the presentation ceremony.

The ceremony is not until seven.

I adore shipyards.

This way, please.

I've got the accent, but that walk.

It's like a tight stork.

Morning.

Good morning.

We're tourists.

Hi.

Texarkan are, so my wife.

Say, you got a
taxi or auto bus, we

got to get over to
that Baltic Star Hotel.

Right through door and left.

Thank you.

Good day.

Good day.

But, sir.

We've got to beat their bags to the hotel.

We've got time for a tiny tour.

I adore shipyards.

(Music)

Breath-taking decor.

Gray on gray.

Here's a couple of them,
uh, them, uh, Copex.

Is that all right for you?

Yes, yes.

Thank you.

Listen, treat yourself to a
glass of that, that Schlewowitz.

See you later.

(Door closes)

The luggage from the
airport ought to be in by now.

You knew, of course, we
wouldn't be staying overnight.

If I had, I would have ordered
separate rooms with a double lock.

You would, with the two
greatest lock pickers in the world.

You know, they'd notice a civilian
roaming around the halls, but...

these official red
jackets warp their minds.

I have a tremendous
amount of confidence in you.

Am I your beneficiary?

How do I look?

(Laughing)

Like Sergeant Pepper.

Ronnie, Ronnie, listen.

Here's the picture of...
Sidnor meeting Dimitri.

Try to match up with that Halloween outfit.

And, uh, meet me at the freight elevator.

(Music)

Official party.

This is Miss Sidnor Cavendish's truck, duh?

Duh.

They ask we share these.

I going up, save you three.

Push button.

Da.

(Music)

(Music)

(Knocking)

Hello?

It's okay.

(Music)

That's grand.

Have you got the riot control juice?

This will straighten her hair.

Okay.

If you need me, call room service.

Room service?

Uh-uh.

Our room telephone is 601.

(Music)

Ah, you see? The trunk is here.

That's grand.

I enjoyed my tour on
the shipyard, Major Dmitri.

I do hope you shall
continue to be my guide.

I've been assigned to you personally.

Tomorrow, at the tannery.

Tonight, at the presentation ceremony.

Kamisapova Shenko has selected me
as your personal escort for the cocktail

party after the ceremony.

He's my cousin.

Sorry, Henderson.

But we'll all be together.

I'll arrive early and help with
the presentation arrangements.

Henderson, sorry.

That's seven.

I'll fill out the itinerary
while you freshen up.

(Music)

I suppose Major Dmitri will
show you the fishery as well.

I shouldn't want to see the
fishery with anyone but you.

After all, I'm not your official escort.

I'm only your aide.

(Music)

You might have told
him that the Minister

of Commerce had
already arranged an escort.

I don't want him hanging
about here every minute.

Sorry, Henderson.

That's all you seem to say nowadays.

Henderson, sorry.

See here. Are you sending me off?

I'd rather intended putting you down.

That won't do, signal.

Besides, we meant so much to each other.

Henderson, what's gotten into you?

Henderson, have you lost your good self?

Darling, that's not what you
said in my flat in Kensington.

Henderson, that sort of
rot we had with Henry VIII.

Henderson, let go of my arm.

Signal!

Signal?

What's going on?

But I'm not myself.
Not with you playing grabbers.

No, by George, you're not yourself.

This is a case for the security police.

Put down that phone.

Operator?

Operator!

Operator!

Henderson!

(Music)

Operator.

Operator, room 601.

(Music)

What can I do for you?

(Music).

I can hear you breathing.

Chuck.

(Music).

Are you alright?

Chuck, answer me.

(Music)

Room service.

(Music).

Ah, madame. Room service, madame.

(Music)

Here.

Oh.

What happened?

Chloroform with a vodka chaser.

You're not supposed to
spray that stuff on yourself.

Oh, won't you stop that?

Oh, Al, I don't want to let you down,
but this whole scheme is a giant bomb.

I step in for Sidnor for two seconds
and Henderson spots me as an imposter.

He was close to you?

You might say that.

Well, maybe he could tell the difference,
but believe me, the Baltic fuzz will never spot you.

Major Dimitri is tuned in to Sidnor's
vibrations. They've got a thing going.

Keep away from him.

Keep away from him. He's going to
be here any minute to help me with the

arrangements.
He's going to be here at seven.

We've got to find the arrangements.

They're over there on the briefcase.

According to Henderson's itinerary,
the commissar and his party will arrive

at the proscenium suite at eight o'clock.

The proscenium suite that's here?

Yeah. No wonder it's so decorated.

Here's the program. The
commissar proposes a toast, then you

propose a toast. It's all
written out in the native tongue.

I don't speak Baltic.

Well, who can't? Just make the sounds.
You'll be very good at that.

A few basic Baltic sounds.

Then the commissar presents the kavkaz
sable to you in front of the cameras.

Cameras?

Being carried
internationally by TV satellite.

Intimate audience of billions.

Where is Sidnor?

In the bathtub.

Tie her up. I'll take care of Henderson.

It's efficient, but I hope you
have something more in mind.

They'll be out for the night.

We'll lock the door from
the inside with a wire.

Wait a minute.
Henderson is supposed

to accompany me to
the ceremony tonight.

We'll pull a double-double switch.

I think you got a big whiff
of that spray can in there.

Look, you're not the only
master of disguise on this caper.

Oh, no. You're a
regular criminal genius.

We're gonna have
a masquerade ball.

I'm gonna be Sidnor and
you're gonna be Henderson.

He's my size.

He has green eyes.

I'll squint mine.

Major Dimitri has seen him close up.

So I'll hang Bakst.
I'll stay out of Dimitri's orbit.

Anyway, he's gonna be
zeroed in on your miniskirt.

It's formal.

So wear your formal miniskirt.

Sidnor is a fashion freak.

It won't work.

We've got to be bold, daring.

Or is that a little scary for you?

Don't worry about me. I can cut it.

At least I look like Sidnor.
You've got to get a whole new head.

Well, we've got plenty of makeup.
Sidnor has a kit for each eye.

Now will you come on?

It's bold. It's daring. And it's suicidal.

Look, our real problem is
the house heat in the hall.

Keep shuffling it with a tray so
they have to see me come out.

Well, you go on
and leave me. I'll

gag 'em and tie 'em
and lock the joint up.

And then I'll go out and wait for Dimitri.

Pa, don't get up. It's just the valet.

It'll only take a moment.

For madame?

In the bedroom, please.

(music playing)

(music playing).

Ah, now I want that red
dress Bakst by Friday, please.

Thank you, madame.

Excuse me.

Ah, Henderson, do come in, Major Dimitri.

He's here to help us with our arrangements.

Major.

Shall we proceed with the arrangements?

The commissar would like to keep it simple.

The delegate will be seated here,
where the television will be here.

Would you excuse me, please?
I must climb into my frock.

If you need any help with your
zipper, don't hesitate to ask.

Oh, I shan't.

Miss Cavendish, Baltic Security Police.

This is Miss Cavendish.

You are here for the presentation ceremony.

Ah, yes. Major Dimitri has
already made the arrangements.

Commandant.

Ah, Major, Commander Bakst.

Henderson, diplomatic corps.

Yes, sir. I know who you are.

Ah, yes.

You were observing Miss
Cavendish's arrival at the customs entry.

Ah, you notice me.

I didn't realize I was
quite so conspicuous.

Well, I wouldn't say
conspicuous, Commander.

Distinguished.

Ah-ha!

Now I know why you are
in the diplomatic service, sir.

Well, my men will
be stationed in the

corridor and outside
several of the doors.

Ah, Commander, there's
one thing I beg of you.

What is that?

Well, could you keep
them out of my private bath?

I don't like to use the hotel laundry.
My things are hanging all about.

You do understand.

Yes, of course.
No one will be allowed to go in at all.

Ah, the television technicians are here.

The commissar must be here by now.

Aren't you staying for the festivities?

Thank you, but my primary mission
is the care and safety of the Baltic

people's gift to the people
of the United Kingdom.

The Kavka Sable?

That. And we are bringing it from
the Tannery Vault in an armored car.

It is my intention to
supervise its arrival personally.

I hope you'll mention these superb
security measures to your cousin, Major.

I had intended to do so, Mr. Henderson.

Thank you, sir.

How do you feel?

Sick.

Mr. Kavka, signal Kavka.

Oh, what is Kavka saying?

I'll give you a minute.

Mr. Kavka, signal Kavka.

Order of the Minister of Commerce.

We congratulate you on this wonderful
celebration of the new reciprocal

treaty of commerce.

From my father, the Minister of
Commerce, and on behalf of the peoples of

the United Kingdom, who join in
this historic celebration, greetings.

May I present the delegates and
armed workers of the Baltic state, who

represent millions of citizens,
together with all the people around the

world, who are enjoying this
outstanding celebration throughout the

television network of the Balkan state.

Greetings, delegates.

Major Dimitri.

Congratulations on
your joyful style of dress.

The Balkan state has
not yet adopted the

miniature skirt because
of ice and snow.

And now I will present the delegates
for the benefit of the enthusiastic

people throughout the
world, Ludmila Argenia

Kaskaskova, Secretary
General Alf Urzuk.

And now to seal the treaty in
the Baltic tradition with a toss.

To a successful adventure
between our two countries.

And now, begin.
To seal it!

From the Baltic
people, the finest fur

in the entire world,
the Kafka is safe.

Hello. Henderson here. Diplomatic call.
I'm with Commissar Pavelchenko's

party. We'll need a limousine at the
front door for Miss Sydenor Cavendish.

There's been an emergency. She has
to be at the airport immediately. And I'd

like a standby car for me in case I
have to join her on a moment's notice.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Miss Cavendish. You
asked me to remind you about the surprise.

About, of course, the surprise.

You've given her such a lovely
gift that she insists upon giving you

something to remember her by.

Hurry, make a loop.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Time to go.

Max is trying to get into the bathroom.

But it's locked in the inside.

He's trying to unscrew the doorknob.

You go to the elevator. There's a
car waiting to take you to the airport.

What about you?

I'll stall them with this knob, too.

Why won't you come with us?

The Commissar thinks she's
going to spring a surprise on him.

And the corridor guards wouldn't
dare stop the guest of honor.

I'll be behind you.

It is beautiful, isn't it?

Would you mind escorting me down to my car?

Mr. Henderson.

How did you get in here?

I... I... I was gassed.

Who did it?

S... Sydner is here, too.

No, no, no, no, no.
She's with the Commissar.

Imposter. Imposter!

This service is excellent in
this hotel, but the lifts are slow.

Perhaps I'll try this one.

Where is Miss Cavendish?

Preparing a surprise.

Where?

In the corridor.

Is she wearing the coat?

Of course.

She's an impostor.

Tell the commissar.

Wait a minute. You tell the commissar.
Security is your responsibility.

You open the door. I get the telephone.

Door's open. Not my responsibility.

This is a police emergency.
Commander Bakst speaking.

No, it has not been taken care of.

She was not supposed to leave the hotel.

Stop him. Stop him at once.

Give me the Chief Customs Inspector.
This is Commander Bakst speaking.

The representative of the United
Kingdom is arriving at Customs now.

We have reason to believe that
she and her aide are impostors.

But you will initiate the
exposure plan regardless.

The treaty must be destroyed.

I've cursed Sable....but she is unaware of the
espionage evidence in the lining.

Admit her to Customs
at once, but be quite sure.

United Nations
observers and international

press photographers
witness the arrest.

The subject is approaching now.
We will proceed on plan.

Station the guards.
Get the UN officials

and notify the foreign
news services. Hurry!

There she is.

But I do not see him.

Stay on that monitor.

(Music)

- Hello? - Yes.

- We are in trouble. - I know.

We have been monitoring
the security police calls.

- She is trying to run Customs.
- Well, stop her. Get her out of there.

Stop her? Commander Bakst says
every security cop in town after us.

No, he wants her to try to get through.

He has got the UN
and the World Press

set up to witness
the capture of a spy.

- He looks for the commissar.
- No, he is a member of the faction that is

out to blow the treaty.

Henderson is his opposite
number on the other side.

Look, we have got to get her out of there.

She will wind up in Siberia or
dead in front of some firing squad.

If they inspect that coat,
we will all wind up dead.

- What are you going to do? - Snatch it.

Diplomatic passport,
Miss Sydenall Cavendish.

You will wait here, please.

You searched this area for Henderson.

If he makes any resistance, shoot him.

I'll do it.

I don't believe I know you.

- Give me the coat. - No.

Take the coat off, put it over
your arm and give it to me.

Forget it.

- They are going to inspect it.
- Don't try and shuck me.

An opportunity for a coat like
this comes once in a lifetime.

- You want me to snatch it off?
- You try it and I will create an

international incident.

You won't believe.

We will take the coat, madam.

It is my private property.

Forty million people
saw commissar

Pavelchenko give it to
me on international TV.

I've got the right to take it home.

We have reason to believe that you
are using this coat in an illegal manner.

We demand that you surrender
it for customs inspection.

- Their pockets are empty.
- We are not concerned with the pockets.

We order you to submit the
coat for inspection of the lining.

The coat doesn't belong to the young lady.

- It belongs to me. - The coat is mine.

Prepare to make the arrest.

The coat obviously belongs to the lady.

It belongs to me and I can prove it.

How can you prove it?

By the lining.

By the lining in the coat.

There's a map sewn into the lining
and it shows all the tourist vacation

spots I hit while I was
here on my vacation.

These two are obviously accomplices.

Let's have a look
at this list of tourist

vacation spots
sewn into the lining.

We will want the United
Nations observer to be a witness.

Photographs will be permitted.

Now, the lining.

The lining.

There is no lining.

Arrest both of them.

On what charge, Commander Bakst?

For... for... for...
falsification of passport.

But their
passports are in order.

My coat, please.

It was an honest mistake.

And you tell the commissar
that my tour has been just grand.

Goodbye.

Congratulations, Al.
That's what I call a perfect double switch.

That's what I call a perfect double cross.

Double cross is right. What happened
to the diamonds and the lining?

What happened to the lining?

I'll tell you what happened to the lining.

She was so anxious to
share it with her partners.

So while I risked my neck jamming
the doorknob, she was off in a limousine,

tearing the stuffing out of the coat.

Some coat. Not even a one-carat baguette.

Nothing but an old map.
So you tossed it out of the window?

Of course I tossed it out of the window.
You lied to me.

Good thing we did.
Trust you with a zerk on

it south of the border.
Goodbye, Charlie.

Well, at least we've got the coat.

We've got the coat. I've got the coat.

Girl's gotta have
something more to

show than just a fake
marriage certificate.

It's up to you, Al. She's in your custody.

You hear that?

Keep up, Charlie Brown.
Or it's Bakst in the slams.

The warden was right.

When I see something I like, I
just can't keep my hands off it.

So I'll keep the coat.

The plane is waiting.

The plane is waiting.

(upbeat music)