It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 1, Episode 11 - To Steal a Battleship - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mr. Mundy?

Bingo.

Mr. Bain is waiting for you.

I'll take your back.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Darling.

Sweetheart.

I have a surprise for you.

Another one?

-There's a man in the phone booth behind you.
-Terrific.



That man has a gun, darling.

You've gone and spoiled it.

You used to.

You don't do what I tell you.

Well, speak right up, baby.

I hate to get shot at.

Shall we go?

Where are we going?

You're getting on a plane.

I just got off a plane.

Most people like to travel.

I adore it.

Then come with me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]



This is your gate, and this is your ticket.

Would it be too rude
to ask where I'm going?

Geneva.

Geneva.

I don't know anybody in Geneva.

Move.

Uh-uh-uh.

Move.

Bye, darling.

[It Takes a Thieve's theme playing]

Oh, look, Al, I'm not asking you to spy.

I'm just asking you to steal.

[MUSIC PLAYING].

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up?

Problems, Mr. P.

Where's Mundy?

Something happened.

Didn't he arrive?

Oh, he arrived all right,
but he's gone again.

Explain.

Well, I met him, and he was coming to
the car when a blond woman appeared.

They embraced, exchanged whispers,
and he got back aboard his plane again.

With the blond?

No.

Where was the plane bound for?

Geneva.

Get me our office in Geneva.

I'm ordering a massive search for
that double-crossing, dame-chasing--

-Speaking of me?
-Never mind that call.

What happened to you?

Will that be all, sir?

Yes, thank you, Don.

Beautiful.

All right, Al.

Come on, let's hear it.

It was an attempted kidnap.

By a blond?

That's the best kind.

I want facts, Al.

Obviously, Noah.

Somebody's trying to
get me out of the country.

The girl was a front.

There was a guy in a phone
booth with a gun on me.

Could you recognize him?

No, I couldn't recognize him.

Why not?

Because he had dark
glasses on, a great

big hat, and his collar was turned up.
-How'd you get off the plane?

I used the rear exit.

I hid behind a food container.

Carried it out with my usual cleverness.

All right, forget it.

Forget I even asked.

Just let's get going.

Look at the glove compartment.

You'll find a viewer in there.

The man's name is Bjornsen.

He's socially and diplomatically
very well connected here.

VIP?

One of the biggest.

He also has access to
NATO defense secrets,

which he is now
attempting to sell.

To the wrong people.

Check.

Why don't you blow a whistle?

His government wouldn't believe the charge.

He's above search,
arrest, or interrogation.

Where are the papers?

Somewhere in Bjornsen's villa.

Here it is.

Why didn't you just say
somewhere in Europe?

You could lose a
freight train in this place.

Oh, you'd find it.

Do you have any plans, diagrams, roadmaps?

We have floor plans.

Do they indicate where the safe is?

No.

Where are we going?

The Kronberg Hotel.

You have a suite there.

You'll be working with a woman.

Her name is Irena Damos.

She's one of ours.

You'll meet her in the lobby.

She'll swoon all over me, right?

Wrong.

You carry this.

She'll approach you,
and when she does,

you ask her if this
book belongs to her.

She'll answer, "Yes, this
is my copy of Euripides."

Sounds spicy.

I don't know.

I never read it.

Do we really have to go through
with the cloak and dagger bit?

We have our reasons.

Oh, fine.

I stand around the
lobby like some idiot,

waiting for some dame
to come over to me

and tell me that she's lost her Euripides.

Oh, you could do it standing on your head.

I ought to try.

I'd be less conspicuous.

You guys are beautiful.

[music playing]

Pardon me.

You look like a lady
who's lost her Euripides.

I am not.

What kind of a woman do you think I am?

[music playing]

Hello.

I don't suppose you'd
be interested in this?

I think that is my copy of Euripides.

Well, would you take it
before I get my face slapped?

[music playing]

I'll say one thing for our mutual friend.

He hires very attractive agents.

There is much to do, Mr. Monty.

I agree.

Why don't we find a nice quiet spot
and some soft music and get started?

I'd refer only to work.

Tomorrow, Mr. Bjornsen and his
wife are hosting a fashion show.

I designed the clothes for it.

I have also obtained
permission for

you to attend the
event as a photographer

for an American fashion magazine.

Your name is Irina.

I've always done very well with Irina's.

You shall use your cover name, Collins.

Have you got the plans for the villa?

No, not yet.

Well, I will go over the plans with you.

Oh, we're finally getting someplace.

I was told you had some
trouble at the airport.

Well, some of it was trouble.

Some was fun.

I suppose it could have been Bjornsen.

Not the fun part.

But how could he have known about you?

Maybe a little blond told him.

You are frivolous.

Only when it counts.

I think you should go to the villa

and introduce yourself.

If they are surprised when they see you,

then we will know that it was
Bjornsen who waylaid you.

Honey, it wasn't Mr. Bjornsen.

or a Mr. Anybody who tried to waylay me.

Nevertheless, you shall go.

You're rather dominant for
such a very attractive woman.

Mr. Mundy, I shall leave
the actual theft to you.

But I make all the arrangements.

Is that clear?

Well, if you feel that way about it.

Next time you can find your own Euripides.

[music]

You're a nice dog.

My name is Collins.

I'm a fashion photographer.

[barking]

Collins, fashion photographer.

I'll send him right in.

Sound dogs.

They're nice dogs.

Yeah.

[music]

[indistinct].

Madame, Mr. Collins would like to see you.

Mr. Collins.

How do you do, madame?

I'm Mrs. Bjornsen.

I'm surprised to see you here, Mr. Collins.

Really?

Yes, I was informed that you
had cancelled your visit with us.

Who told you that?

My dear, may I speak with you, please?

Please excuse me, Mr. Collins.

Would you come here, please, Mr. Collins?

May I present my husband, Mr. Bjornsen.

How do you do?

And this is Dimitri.

How do you do?

You are from the American magazine.

Yes, I am.

May I see your identification, please?

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Mr. Collins, you will arrive at a
time specified and restrict your

activities to the immediate
area of the fashion show.

When your duties are
completed, you will leave.

Thank you, sir.

I was afraid I'd be expected
to mingle with the guests.

You will excuse us, my dear, please.

Mr. Collins.

Would you care for a drink, Mr. Collins?

No, no, thank you.

Mrs. Bjornsen, you said that you
heard that I'd cancelled my trip.

Yes, I received word
this morning that your

magazine was sending
another photographer.

Who called you about that?

Oh, well, someone just
called on the telephone.

Please, I would like to see
the Taurine here, please.

Yes, madam.

Did he give you his name?

Yes, but I cannot recall it.

He did say he was staying
at the Kronwerk Hotel.

Well, that's convenient.

I'm staying there, too.

Honey, I've really
enjoyed sitting with you.

Even if you were more agreeable,
it wouldn't make any difference.

There you are. Thank you.

It is essential that we find out who
tried to send you out of the country.

I already told you. I wouldn't recognize
him if he fell over me with a beer.

Cheers.

Now, if it was the blonde lady...
Oh, naturally.

Don't knock it. It can be fun.

I've got a great idea.

Why don't we take the car,
drive out into the country,

and we could go to one
of those places where

they have that marvelous
peasant dancing?

Impossible. I do not dance.

What do you do?

I work. You should try it.

Oh, oh, oh.

Look what we've got here.

That is the blonde?

Gift-wrapped.

Come on.

(HORNS HONKING)

Hello, darling.

That's a paper bathing
suit you're wearing, right?

Yes.

Do you have any idea what would
happen to it if I pushed you into the pool?

You wouldn't.

Baby, it would make my whole day.

Now, if you don't tell me where your
boyfriend is, I'm going to provide just such a show.

No, wait. I'll tell you.

Where is he?

He's over there.

Come on.

George.

Al.

Well.

I really am sorry to see you again.

Now it looks like I'm
going to have to get rough.

Now, George, don't do anything foolish.

You never use guns.

Yes, I do.
As soon as I start feeling uptight.

So why don't you sit down?

Sit down.

(BIRDS CHIRPING).

Now, why aren't you in Geneva?

I changed my plans.

It's a pleasure to see you again, George.

Why don't you put that thing away?

No, that's not likely.

You're putting on a few pounds, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, no. Red and drunks.

I see you still go first class.

Yeah.

Credit cards.

You mind if I get up?

Carefully.

Marina!

Miss Damos.

May I present Mr. George Palmer?

How do you do?

George is an old...
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Careful, Al.

Business acquaintance.

Competitor.

From time to time.

You might mention to
our friend that George

is the one who put
the Shanghai on me.

Ah.

That, uh, that little ball of ice is yours?

I'm working on it.

Mmm.

George, I'd like to go to... Mm-mm-mm.
Whatever it is, I can't afford it.

Scoot.

Scoot!

On the lay.

She has a marvelous...

Personality?

Yeah, yeah.

Sit down.

You can't afford it?

No, no. Things are very tight, Al.

I would be able to afford
that if I had to pawn my shoes.

Well, then you'll notice.

I'm barefoot.

How'd you know I was at the airport?

Well, it's funny you should ask me that.

I had a friend of
mine who was at the

Paris airport and saw
you buying a ticket.

And he said that you
used the name "Collins".

Well, by a strange coincidence,

I just happened to,
uh, to hear that an

American photographer
by the name of Collins

was coming in to cover the Bjornsen party.

Right. I put two and two
together, it came up five.

Ha-ha-ha!

So I knew it had to be you.

You always had a
talent for causing trouble.

Ha-ha-ha! I haven't even started yet!

Now get lost.

Any reason?

First come, first serve.

Squatter's rights.

Whatever, it's mine.

George,

I honestly don't know
what you're talking about.

Will you please come off it?

Now every operator in Europe
knows about that Bjornsen necklace.

Bjornsen necklace?

Will you stop with those baby blue eyes?

Well,

now, you smoked me out.

Didn't take much of a fire, did it?

Maybe we could talk.

We've talked.

The answer still comes up, no.

You might consider a merger.

You know what happens when
a chicken merges with a weasel.

Oh, baby, you really
know how to hurt a guy.

You better reconsider.

I have access to the house.

I'll get in the house.

If I know you, you know where the safe is.

Yes, I do, baby.

But I'm gonna keep it to myself.

Now, Al, I want you to
listen to me very carefully.

I'm very serious.

Get lost.

Now, you know I can
play pretty dirty if I have to.

With old friends?

Especially with old friends.

And most especially,
when the old friend is you.

Now, I really mean it, Al.

Claire?

Let me tell you about
my chum, George Palmer.

He and I date back to
tapping piggy banks together.

He's clever, resourceful,
and almost as talented as I am.

Does he know about the NATO papers?

No, he's after the necklace.

He's been around here long enough
to have a pretty good shot at it, too.

You think he's learned
the location of the safe?

He must have.

That con artist wouldn't wash his
hands without a detailed blueprint of the

sink.

Would he trade?

No.

You mean he won't accept cash?

Never.

Why not?

No, uh, thieves like Palmer have ethics.

Understand?

All right, all right.

Just tell me how we can
learn the location of the safe.

Ask Mr. Palmer.

Carl's.

When is he expected?

Right, thank you.

(Sighs)

Bjornsen has made his deal.

The courier's on his
way now for the pickup.

He'll probably be there tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

Thanks for everything.

Well, that's your job.

Find the safe and get the papers
before Bjornsen makes his transfer.

Noah, sometimes
I think you go out of

your way to make
things difficult for me.

Would you get the Jack, please?

There's one possibility.

George Palmer is a very methodical man.

He undoubtedly has made a diagram
of the exact location where the safe is.

If you could get him out of the way
for a while, I could search his gear.

I should find something.

He tried to run me out
of the country, right?

It could make my search a lot easier
if you gave him the same treatment.

(Sighs).

Al, you're going to make
a very successful agent.

Mr. George Palmer?

Yes?

Police.

What do you want?

You'll come along with us, please.

Why?

You are no longer welcome here.

What's the matter? What have I done?

Come along.

(Chuckles)

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you handy ♪

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you handy ♪

♪ Big Sandy, Andy, I'm
gonna keep you handy ♪

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you handy ♪

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪.

♪ I'm gonna keep you ♪

♪ Big Sandy said great big cakes ♪

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you handy ♪

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you handy ♪

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you handy ♪

♪ Come on to my house ♪.

♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you handy ♪

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you ♪

♪ Big Sandy, big Sandy, great big cakes ♪

♪ Come on to my house, my house tomorrow ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep you handy ♪.

George?

George? George?

That was not George.

I'll tell you one thing.

That house will be
completely wired with alarms.

That's the terrace.

That line is a wire,

probably leading to the alarm systems.

For the whole house?

It will be one unit.

Now, if I was George,

I'd put a silencing device.

about here.

Does he do that before
he looks for the necklace?

Before anything else.

That's sexy perfume.

That's soap.

Sometimes I get the feeling
you're really trying to put me down.

Mr. Mundy, what's this?

What?

Here.

That's a wall safe.
I knew there had to be one.

But which room is it in?

It doesn't say.

Mass production.

I beg your pardon?

Ten rooms, all the same
dimensions on the second floor.

I won't have time to check all the rooms.

What's this?

It says "Golden Long Ship".

What's a long ship?

An ancient Viking battleship.

Small replicas are treasured by collectors.

It could be in the same room as a safe.

Yes.

Now, all we have to
look for is a battleship.

And open the safe. That's all.

Didn't Mr. Bain tell you about my talents?

Yes, he did.

Aren't you impressed?

By a thief.

A thief?

A thief who steals in
the national interest.

There's a big difference.

History books will tell you that they've
erected monuments to men like me.

Don't shake your head.

If I recover those NATO
documents and you come to America,

you might find me erected in the park.

Would that attract you?

No.

But it would attract pigeons.

That's very funny.

Well...

Welcome to Boystown.

That's far enough.

Baby.

Well, George.

How are you?

Fine, fine.

How is Geneva?

That's funny.

I'm trying. I'm trying.

What happened?

Well, your phony police
were scared by the real police.

I guess I'm always going to
have trouble with the police.

Al, where are the plans?

What plans?

The floor plans that
you stole from my room?

George.

What would I be doing in your room?

Friend, I'm not playing with you anymore.

Now, you have exactly one minute.

And if those plans aren't
here, I'm going to use this.

And I'm very good with it.

-Okay, buddy.
-Hold it, George!

They're under the rug.

I'll do it.

(music and sound of fighting)

(music and sound of fighting)

- Al, Al, wait, wait, hold
it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

- Al, I'll make a proposition to you.

- You better make it a good one.

- Look, if you take me with you
over the Bjornsen Villa and get me in,

I'll show you where the safe is.

And I'll split this stuff with
you right down the middle.

Well, what do you say, Al?

You're never gonna
find that safe without me.

[Music]

[Phone ringing and jazzy music]

- Yes.

- This is Bain, wake up,
I don't pay you to sleep.

- You don't pay me, period.

- Your friend Palmer got away.

- I know.

- Have you seen him?

- Last night, we made a deal.

I take him to the villa, he
shows me where the safe is.

- That sounds too
generous, what's the catch?

- No catch.

We get the NATO papers,
Palmer gets the necklace.

- Oh no, no thievery.

- Thievery?
What do you call taking the papers?

- Political expediency.

- No, uh, no necklace, no papers.

That's political expediency too.

[Music]

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- I was entertaining a few
friends, made a hard night.

Breaking and entering, huh?

- Not when I'm paying for the sweet.

- Well, I'm enjoying it.

- What?

- Being a kept man.

You come out good in the morning.

- I'm sorry, I can't say the same for you.

Mr. Bain has sent over some
things that you said you would need.

- What I need is you. How about breakfast?

- No, thank you.

- Well, I can't eat alone.

- Your camera is
over there, and that kit

contains some
equipment that you wanted.

- Room service?

- There is also an invitation that
will admit you to the fashion show.

- Room service?

Breakfast for two.

What do you have?

- Breakfast for one.

[Music]

- Room service?

Send up a pot of coffee.

I'll have coffee.

I parked in the lot.

Al, you know, I was just thinking, I'll
bet we could steal Laurel from Hardy

and get away with it.

That's a nice way to put it.

Yeah, but we're out of
step with the time. I mean,

nobody engages in
freewheeling competition anymore.

It's a sad commentary on
the American way of life.

It's true, but the legit's, the
businessmen, they have all the answers.

Al, look, this is the
age of the merger.

Consolidation. You
know, corporate strength.

Holding companies, stock
diversifications, like that?

Absolutely. Now I figure if it
works for them, why not for us?

Well, the idea has merit, George.

Yes, but I don't mean just on this job.
I mean all the way.

You know, together we'd be
merging some very powerful handsets.

We might even float a stock issue.

Darling!

Oh, I'm sorry, Al.
I guess I just work alone.

All right, all right. Go over and do it.

George?

Mm-hmm?

I want a drink.
George, I want a rind ginger.

-Will you please be quiet?
-Madame?

No, thanks. Can I have a rind ginger?

At the bar, madame.

Pardon me, but where's our hostess?

Near the terrace door.

Oh, yes, yes. Thank you.

Well, she's not wearing her necklace.
It must be in the safe.

George, I want a rind ginger.

Will you please shut up?

George, I'm thirsty.

Why don't you jump in the swimming pool?

I... Uh-oh.

Where is Al Mundy?

Mundy? Mundy?
I don't know anyone by the name of Mundy.

All right, then, Collins. Now, where is he?

He doesn't check in with me.

He was all right this morning.

Well, he's very undependable.
Maybe he went to Paris.

He just loves Paris. Doesn't he love Paris?

Mr. Palmer, I could make a
great deal of trouble for you.

Yes, you could.

But you're not the only
person who has a whistle.

If you stink on me, I stink on you.

Then we all get kicked out.

George, I want a rind ginger.

Sweetheart, why didn't you say so?

You'll excuse us, won't you, please?

(phone ringing)

Yes?

This is Irina.

Al Mundy has not appeared yet.

What happened?

I don't know.

But his friend Palmer and the blonde
showed up about ten minutes ago.

Could he have been Shanghai again?

I wouldn't be surprised.

I've just had definite word that
Bjornsen is meeting the courier tonight.

Where?

At the villa.
He has the money to buy the papers.

It's up to you now to stop him.

(Music)

(Music).

You change into the gold
lame and you will wear the print.

What should I wear?

Where have you been?

Studying my Euripides.
What have you been up to?

Looking for you. Time is running out.

Time will do that. Did George show up?

He's here.

Where?

I don't know.

You'd make a good cop.
The Russian Secret Service could use you.

Is Mrs. Bjornsen wearing the necklace?

No.

Well, then narrows it down.
George must have headed for the safe.

I just spoke to Bain.

The courier will be here any
moment to purchase the papers.

Mr. Bjornsen is waiting for him.

You have got to find that safe immediately.

Easy. All we have to do is find George
and we'll know the safe is nearby.

Madame?

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

(Music)

Wait a minute.

Hello, darling.

Hey.

Easy.

We mean too much to each other.

Now, where's George?

I don't know.

Yes, you do and you better tell
me or I'll blow the whole show.

That beautiful blonde hair of yours
will go awfully dark when you're thrown

into a dungeon and prison food
will wipe those curves right out.

You wouldn't dare tell anyone.

Oh, no? First we'll start with the hostess.

No, wait. He went to the terrace to do
something about shutting off an alarm

system or something.

Is he out there now?

No.

Is he going to the safe?

Yes.

Where is the safe?

I don't know.

Honey, you better tell me or
you're going to be blown down.

Honest.

All I know is it's on the
second floor above the terrace.

Save a dance for me. I won't be long.

The courier just arrived.

Now what are we going to do?

Unless we get real lucky.

You'll be back to cutting velvet
and I'll be inside looking out.

(Music).

What I said before about being in charge.

If you have any ideas,
I will go along with you.

Oh, I love you.

George planned to silence
the alarm system on the terrace.

According to the diagram, the wire
should be at the base of the building.

(Music).

If George is spent as usual busy
little self, the silencing system should be

right here.

That miserable thief. I designed this
clamp system myself. He should be

paying me royalties.

Someone's coming.

(Music)

Look, I am not to be played
games with like one of your blondes.

It's all in the line of duty.

You are still on our side?

What do we do?

I've got to gamble on the
story the blond told me.

That the sabers in one of
these rooms above this terrace.

If she's telling the truth,
I can pinpoint that room.

How?

You keep your eye on Bjornsen
and if he moves, let me know.

Leave the tricky stuff to Al.

(Music)

(Music).

(alarm sounds).

Two men ran out of the room.
They went upstairs.

(Music).

There's the room.

Create a diversion with Bjornsen.
Scream, faint, anything. But keep him

downstairs. Come on.

(Music)

(Music).

(Music).

(Music).

(Music)

Looks like someone tried to open it.
You stay here.

Right.

(Music).

(Music).

(Music).

(Music).

Someone tried to open the safe.
The alarm must have chased him away.

Did you see anyone?

No.

What about the longship?

I mean untouched.

My necklace. Was someone after my necklace?

Relax my dear. The safe was untouched.

Now, please keep
looking for that palimpsest.

Please. The ringing of the bell was a false alarm.
There's nothing to be concerned about.

So just continue to enjoy yourselves.

(Music).

Let's conclude our business.
Paper's upstairs. You will follow me?

(Screams)

What do you think?

Excuse me. You've got to help me.
Please. Please help me.

What is it?

There was a man out on the terrace
and he had a gun. He said that he would

shoot me if I made a sound.

Listen to me. Please. Please.

(Inaudible)

(Music).

(Inaudible)

(knocking at the door)

V3. Open this door.

(Music)

(Music)

Now hold it.
Pal, keep your hands on the rope.

Oh well. You shouldn't have done it.
I'll see you in Geneva.

(Whistles)

Huh?

He went that way.

That man on the low.
Stop him. Send the dogs.

(Barking)

The paper's here.

Good.

Some people just refuse to
learn that crime doesn't pay.

[music].