It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 1, Episode 12 - Turnabout - full transcript


That's it?

That's it.
The People's National Institute of Science.

A cracker box.

I hope so.

You're sure the lens is in there?


Al, we've got to get that lens back.
It's the only one of its kind.

What that lens could do attached
to a laser beam is unbelievable.

You know your cover?

Anton Dorkovich, Chicago University.
A curly wolf when it comes to optics.

I've been thinking
about walking through the

Iron Curtain. Don't
worry about it, Noah.

I'll worry.

You'll get your lens. A piece of cake.

Well, it's in your hands now.

As they say in the theater, break a leg.

See you later.


Are you all right?

Noah, I don't think you're
going to believe this.

I just broke my leg.


Oh, look, Al, I'm not asking you to spy.

I'm just asking you to steal.


We've got less than a
week to get that lens back.

They're sending it on to Moscow then.

What can I tell you, Noah?

You can tell me how you're going to
get out of that bed and grab that lens.

Well, it's going to be a little
difficult, isn't it, since I can't walk?

Did you get the stuff I sent for?

It's being flown in.
Miss Ames is down after it now.

I like Miss Ames. You have
impeccable taste when it comes to nurses.

She's not just a nurse.
She's one of my best operatives.

I usually are.

What's the latest on the leg?

It could be worse. A small fracture.

I'll be able to hobble
around in a couple of days.

A couple of days?
But we've got to move now.

We are, Noah. We are. Relax.

Well, I wish you'd tell me how.

There was postage due. 50,000 perpendix.

Well, that's outrageous.

Forty-three cents American money.

Oh, yes, yes, I forgot.

You're looking lovely this morning.

So are you.

I'm feeling a little pale and wan.


What's all this stuff?

That's a junior burglar's kit. Mark II.

Al, we haven't got time.

Ah, yes, we have, if you want that
lens back before it goes bye-bye.

I do, but how?

Very simple.

You're going to steal it.


Oh, no. Oh, no. You're the thief, not me.

You've got all the instincts.

It's impossible.

I'll be with you every step of the way.

From now on, you're Professor Dorkovich.

They're waiting for you at the Institute.

We wouldn't want to disappoint them.

Look, I had a sheltered childhood.
I never learned how to steal.

You're a cop, aren't you?
That's one of the best qualifications.



Stick it in your ear.

Go ahead.

Now, we'll sew this little
microphone into the lapel of your coat.

Can you sew, Elena?


If you can cook, too, we're in trouble.

Noah, take off your coat.


Now, here it is.

With this thing turned
on, I'll be able to hear

everything you say and
everything that's said to you.

You go to the Institute,
verbalize everything.

I'll be with you every step of the way.

Just tell me everything you see.
You don't have to worry about a thing.

I see. You're going to steal it by proxy.

That's right.

Here, take this torch.
You may need this, too.

Al will never get away with this.

Getting chicken?

Don't say that.

I'm afraid I'll lay an egg.

A joke?

You know our association
has done you a world of good?

Oh, yeah? Listen, all the
time I'm at the Institute...

I'll be here with the beautiful
Miss Ames, eavesdropping on

every word you say, whispering
sweet nothings into your ear.

Oh, oh, I'm feeling feverish.

Do you have your thermometer?

Check me.

You feel perfectly all right to me.

Oh, so do you, baby.

You're really enjoying
all this, aren't you, Al?

Well, outside of the fact that
my leg hurts a bit, Disneyland.

You'd better go, Professor.
They're waiting for you at the Institute.

You know, I've worked my
way up to be an administrator.

I don't have to be doing all this.

No, well, this is very good for you.

You'll learn how the
other half of the world lives.


Good luck, Professor.

(tense music)

Noah, where are you?

Just outside the main entrance.

Check their security.

Look for burglar alarms.

There'll be guards at all entrances.

Keep me posted.

How can I do that?
Won't it look like I'm talking to myself?

Secret agents and professors
talk to themselves all the time.

It goes with the profession.

Keep going, Noah.

I'll be with you every minute.

Good luck.

(doorbell rings)

Good morning.

I'm Professor Anton Dorkovich.

Ah, good morning, Professor.

We have been expecting you.

I'm Colonel Gilveney,
head of Institute security.

That's the one that watched Noah.

Every movie makes.

Of course.

I beg your pardon?

I mean I'm pleased to meet you, Colonel.

All our facilities are
open to you, Professor.

You see, your reputation has preceded you.

That's very flattering.

I'm particularly anxious
to meet Dr. Schneider.

And she you?


Cool it. Cool it, Noah.

Yes, of course.

We didn't know.

Well, I'm familiar with the
doctor's brilliant work, of course.

Well, science, you
understand, knows no gender.

We are very proud of
Dr. Schneider's work in optics.

The whole world pays homage to her.

As well you should be.

A product of our glorious people's science.

And the University of
Southern California, I believe.

You have a sense of humor.


Notify Dr. Schneider that Professor
Dorkovich is on his way down.

I will take you there personally.

If you please, Professor.

Oh, this must be the hall
to the optics laboratory.

Yes, of course, Professor.

You seem very well guarded here.

Very well guarded.

You see, the West is constantly trying to
steal the secrets of the people's science.

The security measures you have seen
are only the top one-tenth of the iceberg.

The remainder is below the surface.

Believe me, Professor, the institute
is impregnable, like a giant safe.

If necessary, we can even fluoroscope every
person and every item leaving the building.

Nothing can get out or
in without our permission.

If you please.

Dr. Schneider.

Good morning, Colonel.

May I present Professor Anton
Dorkovich from the United States.

Professor Dorkovich, this
is indeed a great pleasure.

It's mutual, madam, I assure you.

I have heard of your remarkable
work with the variable X-factor

in the pulsating ultraharmonics
of the infrared hyperstructure.

You've heard of that, have you?


What's she look like, Noah?

I must say, Doctor, I
never expected the famous

Dr. Schneider to be
such an attractive woman.

Not bad, huh? That'll make it easier.

Why, thank you, Professor.

Professor Dorkovich, our
socialist equality has done

away with the necessity
for bourgeois compliment.

Professor Dorkovich is merely
exercising good manners, Colonel.

Something our socialist
state could do with more of.

That's it, pal.
Target for tonight, you've got a tottering.

You must forgive the Colonel, Professor.

Call me Anton.

That a boy. Beautiful.

But in our urgency to create a new
order of things, we sometimes forget

that the old order does at least
have a few values worth preserving.

And now I'm sure you would be interested
in at least some aspects of our work.

Oh, I would indeed, madam.

We've heard of your advances in
light amplification even in America.

I think that our efforts have
even coincided occasionally.

Really? In what areas?

Laser optics, generally.

What a remarkable coincidence.

Our laboratories have just
provided me with a remarkable lens.

Doctor, that lens is classified.

Nonsense, Colonel.
Science should be an open book.

Doctor, as Chief of Security, I must...

Dear Colonel, your
authority ends at that door.

Oh, really, Doctor, you
shouldn't go to such bother.

Opening the cabinet.

Notice anything? Is there a key?

Here it is, Professor.

It is the only one of
its kind in the world.

And fortunately, it was my
country which developed it.

I didn't know your country
was working in that direction.

Neither did I.
I was most pleasantly surprised.

Is it in a box?

I see it's in a box.

Very perceptive, Professor.

See what it takes to open it.

Beautiful, isn't it? And truly remarkable.

Unfortunately, I will only have
several days to work with it.

Doctor Schneider, if you please.

Colonel, will you stop worrying?

Didn't you say that Professor
Dorkovich is thinking of joining us?

He has not yet taken that step.

But it is very much on my mind.

Professor, this lens is designed
to multiply almost to infinity

the amplification produced
by the corundum crystal.

Oh, it would be fascinating
working with you on such a project.

Oh, you tempt me, madam.

We have nothing like it
in America, I swear to you.

Check for alarms. Ways out.

Don't worry about the locked cabinet.

We can handle that later.


I beg your pardon?

I mean, we, you and I, working together.

Oh, what a stimulating idea.

Yes, it is exciting, isn't it?


Lean on her, Noah. Get next to her.

Ask her to have dinner with you.

Smile. Be charming. For once in your life.

Dr. Schneider?


I'd like to pursue this
line of thought with you.

I know you're busy.

But I hope you're not too busy.

But I hope you're not too busy.


To have dinner with me tonight.

I'd be delighted to.

You see, Noah? You see?
There's nothing to it.

Beautiful. Just hang in there, baby.

You will remember security
matters, Dr. Schneider.

While it is true Professor Dorkovich
is sympathetic to our cause,

he has not yet committed himself.

And you know the security
regulations regarding aliens.

Colonel, you think perhaps Professor
Dorkovich is an American agent?

Not at all. I merely point out.

Then let me point out
that as soon as possible,

I intend giving the Professor
all our state secrets.

The Café of the Revolution.

It used to be the Imperial Café.

Oh, yes.

With violins.

Now they have a loudspeaker.

Dr. Schneider, I merely remind
you of your duty to the state.

Colonel, no one permits me to forget it.

Come, Professor.

Let me show you some of our experiments.

I know you'll be very
interested, particularly in this one.

Yes, sir.


Who, sir?

I do not trust him.

Not though I like the way Dr. Schneider
is blushing like a schoolgirl.

Get me a complete
dossier on Dorkovich Anton.


And I want him watched 24 hours a day.

I do not like his interest in
our Dr. Schneider and our lens.




Thank you.

It's okay to talk, Al. I've just
finished checking the room for bugs.

You sure?

Of course I'm sure. I've been
a cop too long not to know

how to check for bugs or
spot a tail when I see one.

It was on me the
minute I left the Institute.

Gilveney. He's a sharp one.

If he's tailed you on the outside, then
he must have a tail on you inside too.

Don't come to my room, Noah.

You're welcome anytime.

Will you two kindly keep
your mind on business?

That's what I'm doing. As
long as I'm tied up here, my

business interests are
limited to the material at hand.

Kindly inform Miss Ames that she
is to treat you as one of the enemy.

You tell her.


I've located the lens, and maybe
I can get it out of its cabinet.

But how do I get it out of the building?

In your pocket.

You walk out one foot ahead of the other.
Very simple.

Well, if you'd had one look at Gilveney,
you know that isn't going to be easy.

Besides, there's always
somebody in that optics lab.

Well, I'll keep the pressure
on the doctor. From

what you told me, it
shouldn't be too difficult.

I can't turn romance
on and off like a faucet.

What kind of a secret agent are you?

A boss secret agent.

A boss secret agent?

Yes, a boss secret agent. I'm used
to getting things done by directives.

Al, I'm in this over my head.
I can't pull it off.

Sure you can. Sure you can.
I'll be with you all the way.

Have I ever let you down?


I'm thinking about it. How's your leg?

Well, with the tender, loving
care of Miss Ames, I've been able

to manage a few steps, but I'm
not well enough to pull a job off.

Maybe in a few days I...
You know we can't wait.

Then work on Dr. Schneider.

Try nibbling on her ears. They like that.

You're taking her out to
dinner tonight, aren't you, Noah?

Yes, I am.

Well, I'll be there.
I'll be listening to every word you mumble.

Well, small talk isn't my strong point.

Well, then try some
big talk. Come on, with

some big talk, I'll give
you every hint I can.

Oh, it galls me to
think of you lying there.

Noah, I'm on a bed of pain.

Al, if this circuit were
wired for television,

I have a hunch I'd come over
there and break your other leg.

Noah, you have a dirty but accurate mind.

Have a nice time at dinner tonight, boss.

I know I will.

(funny music).

Why don't you just dump
it all on the tablecloth?

That way we won't have to
decide where to start eating.

What are you, comrade?
Some kind of a counter-revolutionary?

I'm afraid the service isn't
as good as it used to be.

I suppose you have to accept a few
inconveniences for the sake of all this.

But these are merely surface appearances.

The real accomplishments of
the revolution aren't so visible.


Easy on the social criticism, Rudolph.

You're there to romance her, remember?

That oaf. He's having us watched.



The man over there by the wall.
One of his policemen.


Well, it's nice to know
you're being remembered.

I must say, Doctor,

in spite of socialist
equality of the sexes,

it hasn't made you any
less attractive as a woman.

Attaboy. Attaboy, Noah.

Well, I'm afraid my
work has kept me so busy

that I haven't had much
time to think of anything else.

Well, I believe in hard work myself.

But surely one must take time for
the more pleasurable aspects of life.

The greatest pleasure is...

achieved. It's your accomplishment.

That depends on what it is
you accomplish, don't you think?

Tell me, Professor, does the sun
still shine every day in Los Angeles?

Every day.

I enjoyed myself so much
there at the university.

Of course, I was just
a frivolous young girl.

I wish I could have been there then.

But you must have been
a beautiful young girl.


Oh, I didn't say anything.

Tell her, will you?

You must have been a beautiful young girl.
Go ahead.

I meant to say...

you must have been a beautiful young girl.

Oh, well, it really
doesn't matter, does it?

Well, maybe not in your country,
but in mine, it always matters.

Professor, you are gallant.

And it really doesn't
hurt anything, does it?

A little gallantry.

Well, now, tell me about your work.

There really isn't very much to tell.

But I'm sure your experiments
in the determination

of the constants of oddness
factor in hyperwaves are fascinating.

Oh, them, sure. Fascinating.

You have the prettiest eyes.

Keep throwing them in there, Lefty.

I... personally,

I feel that Professor Ellington is
in error with his hypothesis that...

Absolutely. He shouldn't even have started.

Have you ever been married?



Why, no.

I can't believe that.

An attractive woman like you.

I bet you left a trail of
broken hearts behind you.


Tell me more about yourself.

That's all I need?

Yes, sir. They had dinner, they
talked, and he took her home.

Were they friendly?

They seemed friendly.

I don't mean that they shake
hands and treat each other politely.

Was there anything between them?

Yes, sir.

Oh. What?

At the table, sir.

With this, we are going to win the world.

Now get out of here.

Yes, sir.

You read these, Dorgonov?

Yes, sir.

A complete history on Dorkovich.

His universities, his honors and awards,

his publications, his works.

Very thorough.

Thank you, sir.

Except for one little thing.

No one seems to have
met the man personally.

No one knows what he looks like.

Everything we have is second-hand.

It has all been verified, sir.

I do not plan to underestimate
the talents of American intelligence.

Does Dorkovich exist?

Is he real?

But he is staying at the Red Star Hotel.

And to think that you are standing there.

while the collective farms
are screaming for milkmaids.

Colonel, I couldn't care
less about such things.

Professor Dorkovich is a wonderful,
sympathetic, intelligent man.

Doctor, the West is corrupt,
decadent and oppressive.

Nevertheless, it does occasionally
seduce the weaker among us.

We must be strong at all times.

I cannot be bothered.
My work is far too important.

Very well, then I must tell
you something about the lens.

What about the lens?

It was not exactly
developed by our scientists.

Oh, but I understood... What
you understood is not important.

The lens is contraband.

There are people who
are trying to steal it from us.

Contraband? You mean stolen?

It is our property and it
must be guarded at all times.

But isn't that what you
are paid to do, Colonel?

You make my job difficult.

Professor Dorkovich may be here

for the one purpose of
getting the lens away from us.

Who did the lens originally
belong to, Colonel?

It is the property of the state.

If anything happens to it
while it is in your custody...

Well, let me just say that the
immediate responsibility is yours.

And that there is a need
for scientists in Siberia.

Well, you've got to get the key, Noah.

She carries it on her person at all times.

Believe me, if you work it right,

there's nothing more
accessible than a lady's person.

I don't think you've
got the right attitude.

I can't get the key.

All right, you'll have to pick the lock.

And the next time you go to the Institute,

see if they've got any
automatic sprinklers.

What for?



Al, what for?

For fun, Noah.

Don't you ever do anything for fun?

Yes, I do. I send people to
prison, and don't you forget it.

Yes, Al.

The whole building is
protected by automatic sprinklers.

Good. Then we might as well do it now.

Those sprinklers are tied
into a fire alarm system.

Touch them off, and everybody
will head for the great outdoors.

Everyone but you. Clear?

How about the lock and the kit?

How about the lock and the cabinet?

The place will be in total
confusion for about 15 minutes.

That ought to be enough time, even for you.

Have you got the torch?

Got it.

All right. If it's clear, we do it now.

Can you reach the sprinkler heads?

If I push a table over underneath it.

My son, you have my blessings.

Do it.

Professor Dorkovich!

I wanted a word with you.

I know it's a good thing I did.

What are you doing?

(tense music)


Tell him you dropped a framus.

I dropped a framus.

You dropped a what?

A framus for my hearing aid.

I think it rolled back there somewhere.

Professor Dorkovich, I
know you are sympathetic

to us, and we who believe
in the world revolution

must be willing at all times
to do what is asked of us.

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

I have already spoken with the authorities

and they agree with me that the time is
right for you to defect to us immediately.

Right now?

I have the papers in my office.

I didn't know you had to
fill out papers to defect.

Oh, little things.

A formal request for political asylum,

renunciation of prior
citizenship, all very proper.

Oh yes, I want to be proper.

We have already notified the world press

that they should stand by for an
important news conference this afternoon.

Oh, you have, have you?

Take it easy, Noah. Play along with him.

He's calling the shots now.

Colonel, I don't think it would be
wise to make the move right now.

Stall him. Don't fight him.

My government feels differently.

Well, my work in progress.

It can't simply be abandoned.

Oh, you will be given
all the facilities you need,

perhaps even rights here at the Institute.

Believe me, Professor, there
is nothing for you to go back to.

Drag your feet, Noah.

If you don't, the S.I.A.
will have to get a new boss.

It's very attractive, Colonel.

However, I must think about it.

Perhaps if I were to
discuss it with Dr. Schneider.

An excellent idea. I will go with you.

What, no Framers?

Well, no matter.

We will order you a new
Framers from the Electronic Trust.

The People's State can provide everything.

Even a Framers?

We have a warehouse full of them.

I'd like to see that.

Of course, Colonel.

Nothing could make me happier
than working with Professor Dorkovich.


Well, Professor, that's it then, isn't it?

I don't know.

I'd have to make a complete inspection
of all the facilities I'd be working with.

Ask about pension plans
and unemployment insurance.

General working conditions.
You know that sort of thing?

Scientific workers in a socialist
state are completely unhampered.

Right, Dr. Schneider?

Oh, yes.
We have everything we need to work with.

And complete freedom of choice of project?


As long as it is approved
by the Central Committee.

Well, naturally.

You're both making it
sound very attractive.

Well, Dr. Schneider can answer any
questions you might have far better than I.

The good doctor can be most
convincing, can't you, Doctor?

I would be most happy to help
the Professor make up his mind.

The State cannot ask for anything more.

Well, Professor, remember the
news conference this afternoon.

I'll see you later.

I do not like that man.

Oh, he's just doing his job.

Even in the United States, you know, there
must be people concerned with security.

No, this is no time to
justify your existence.

Set off the alarm.

I must tell you something.

It is most difficult to concentrate on pure
science in a country so security conscious.

Well, they seem to have
given you everything you need.

Even a little more than I need, Professor.

Your name is Anton. Give her that.

Please, call me Anton.


For instance, I could do
with a little less guidance.

I see.

Well, granted, my country is the
breeding place of capitalist oppression.

They do seem to give you the
freedom to choose your work.

And you are really going to defect to us?

Well, let's say, dear lady, I'll
do what my conscience tells me.

Noah, will you please leave the spreading
of the good word to the voice of America?

We've got to get the lens.
Will you punch in?

Of course. The decision is yours.

But I just hope you
know what you are doing.

So do I, dear lady. So do I.

You are looking for something?

Yes, a place to wash my hands.

Oh, to the left, outside the
door, at the end of the hall.

Thank you.

And, Anton, hurry back, please.
I still think we have much to discuss.

Dear lady, I promise you I'll be
back in here in a very few minutes.

[water sprinklers].

[Water sprinkles].

[Alarm continues]

I'm at the cabinet, Al.

Put the pick in the lock, gently.

I'm doing it.

Turn it to the right, easily.

I'm turning it.


I told you it's a matter of feel.

Keep turning it.

I'm turning it.

Move it back and forth, gently, in and out.

All right, I'm pulling it in and out.




You'll hear the tumblers click in.

Still nothing. Wait.

Wait there, there. I got it.

(alarm beeping)

I blew it, Al.

The box was resting on the plunger alarm.

Get the lens out of the box.
That's all you can do for now.

And run for it. Good luck.

[Alarm continues]

All doors and windows sealed, sir.

All guards on station.

Naturally, there was no fire.

No, sir. A ruse.

Is Professor Dorkovich
still in the building?

There is no record of him leaving, sir.


Then we have him.

Find him. Bring him here.

Yes, sir.

[Door closes]

It's no good, Al.

They're searching and
fluoroscoping everything.

I couldn't get a microbe past them.

All right. Get rid of the lens.

I will not. I just got it.

No, I do what I tell you to, right
now, if you want to stay alive.


It's in the cigarette butt
container outside the radiation lab.


Now, walk out of the
building like you own the place.

You won't get far.

I'll bet on it.

Hey, hey.

Professor Dorkovich, you are under People's
arrest by order of Colonel Galvani.

I protest. I'm an American citizen.

If you have any complaints, Professor,
you may bring them up with Colonel Galvani.

I am sure that he will be
very amused to hear them.

Your denial is not only a
waste of time, it is childish.

I know nothing about your missing lens.

As a scientist, I confess I would
like to have it, but I didn't take it.

You were in the laboratory
when the alarm went off.

I was not. Ask Dr. Schneider.

I was washing my hands.

Can you prove that?

I have no witnesses. Would you?

You stole the lens, Professor.

You saw you could not
get it out of the building.

You hid it somewhere.

We shall find it.

Then what do you need me for?

Make it easy for us, and we
will immediately deport you.

But if you make us find it ourselves,

the people's prisons are
not noted for their comfort.

Neither are your hotels
or restaurants, by the way.

Very well.

You have had your chance, Professor.

You will be taken back to your hotel room,

where you will be kept
under total surveillance.

We shall find the missing lens.

I am sure it will have
your fingerprints on it.

If not, there are other ways we can
determine whether or not you took it.

But I am positive you did.

When that determination has been made,

then you will take another
goodwill tour, Professor.

This time of the people's prisons.

Believe me, it is a tour you
will wish you had never taken.

Get him out of here.

You shouldn't be on it this much yet.

Have to, Elena, if we are
going to keep Noah out of jail.

On the other hand, a few months
in stir might do him some good.

Will they find the lens?

Sooner or later.

They clean out those cigarette
butt boxes every few days.

Even supposing you could get
in, how could you get out again?

- If they fluoroscope everything...
- I don't know. Not yet.

I don't know. Not yet.


Where are you? Can you talk?

Just down the hall.

There's a couple of gorillas
outside with some Tommy guns.

You've been on the spot.

What do you think?

I think that lens might as
well be up on the moon.

From the moon we could get it.

Well, you're not going
to get it from the Institute.

Wanna bet?

Al, you couldn't smuggle out a louse.
They're X-raying everything and every body.

They're even going through the
trash cans. Briefcases are being

checked. Men, women, and
children are being searched to the skin.

Searching trash cans, huh?

What goes out of that building?

The usual things.
People, reports, dispatches.


Samples from the experiments, I suppose.

Don't suppose.
Tell me specifically about the trash.


send it out in big barrels.

But Al, that's no good.
They'd dump them and check

every paper. I even seen
them going through garbage.

X-ray everything?

Everything. From the optics lab,
the physics lab, the radiation lab.

Al, they're not gonna
let that lens get out.

Radiation lab.

What kind of trash do they have?

Contaminated matter.

Lead cartons.

Carboys of radiated wastewater.

It's dangerous stuff, Al.

They'd probably take it
out and dump it somewhere.

Hold it. Someone's coming.

But doctor, I have not communicated
with anyone in this room. My orders are...

You can get up with the
colonel if you wish, but

I will speak with Professor
Dorkovich. Please.


It's a wonder we get anything done.

And I think it's outrageous
what they are doing to you.

Oh, just a little misunderstanding, doctor.

Professor, people are sent to the mines
every day on misunderstandings like this.

Are you really going to defect to us?

Well, I had toyed with the idea, but every
day it's becoming less and less attractive.

Noah, she'll know about the
waste products. Find out all

you can about the disposal of
the wastewater. Understand?

Who comes after it? When and how?
Everything you can. It's important.

Doctor. Yes? I have the distinct
impression that you're not entirely happy.

I have my work and everything I need.

The only thing is sometimes
I find myself wondering why.

What purpose am I fulfilling? Pure science.

Pure science.

That lens.

You know what they will do with it? Make a
weapon out of it. That's your pure science.

I suppose it could be used as a weapon.

And I tell you something
else. I do not think

it was developed by
our own scientists. No.

They haven't been engaged in such work.
And suddenly the lens appears.

I think it was stolen.

Well, I suppose it could happen. I've
heard somewhere that such things go on.

It makes me want to wash
my hands of the whole affair.

The wastewater, Noah. Turn on the charm.
Get it out of her, will you?

Doctor? Yes?

Only a few months ago I
was in Southern California.

The sunshine there is glorious.

It's become the second largest
metropolitan area in the United States.

Millions of happy people.

Universities flourishing.

Thousands of cultural activities.

Men and women laughing together.

There's no place quite like it on Earth.

Professor, why do you tell me all this?

Because I want you to tell me something.


I want to know

exactly what you know
about the disposal of

radioactive wastewater
from the radiation lab.


Doctor, what do you remember
best about your days at USC?

Chocolate malts.

Gallons and gallons of chocolate malts.

Well, what I have to know
relates directly to chocolate malts.


Do you believe that?

I'm sorry to mix you up in this, but
the driver's helper is always female.

That's one thing that can be
said about the socialist paradise.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm a much better spy than you.

What about the real driver and his helper?

They'll be out for another
six or seven hours.

When they wake up, it'll take
them another couple of hours.

On top of that, they'll untie
themselves and get their gags off.

We'll have time.

You got the papers?

Right here.

Well, let's go.

You gonna make it?


Where's Jan and Korto today?

They got overdosed last time out.

I wouldn't have your job for anything.

The hours are good.

I get, uh, a good pay.

I don't have to recharge
the base of my watch.

What more could a man ask for?


You want to get yourself killed?


What do you think this is? This is freeble.

Freeble all over the place.


The walls, on the ceiling, everywhere.

If you got any of that on
you, you'd be a dead man.

You better get out of
here while you got the time.


Is it really freeble?

It is. It is when I say it is.

I still don't see how
we're going to get it out.

A little thing about refractive indexes.

Take that cap off.

Or should I say indices.

Glass disappears in water.

What happens then?

We either walk out of here or we're going
to wind up with very long stretched necks.

Come on. Let's go.



That'll be Gilveney.

He looks like he knows what he's doing.

So do I.

Should be an interesting contest.

Over there.

Push it out.

Wait a minute.

What is it?

I wouldn't get too close, Colonel.

Be very careful.

It's radioactive material.
It's very dangerous.

All right. Go ahead.

Thank you.


Got it.

But it's hotter than a 50-cent pistol.

Will be decontaminated.

Now get to the checkpoint I told you about.

You'll be contacted and
gotten out of the country.

What about you?

Don't worry about me.
Get that lens to safety.

I'll see you later.

With a little luck.

You'll need it, pal.

I've got connections.

And, uh, Al.


I hate to leave him.

He's got all the makings
of a first-class thief.

The lens comes first, Captain.

That's the trouble with being a spy.

No room for sentiment.

Oh? Where do we unload that lens?

Nothing would make me happier

than you proving me wrong.

Wish this was the start.

[engine starts]


[engine revs]


(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Oh.


It's as good as new.

I'm very good with broken legs too.

- I might've guessed.

Noah, with your sense of
timing, you're going to get

yourself into a lot of
trouble one of these days.

Glad to see you.

- I'll bet you are.

- How'd you get out?

- I told you, I have connections.


- Oh.

This is the man I was
telling you about, Al Mundy.

Al, this is Dr. Elsa Schneider.

How do you do?

- I'm so pleased to meet you.

- And this is Miss Ames,
one of our best operatives.

- How do you do?

- This is Dr. Schneider.

- Yes.

- And I had to urge
you to make love to her?

- Professor Dorkovich,
Mr. Bain, is a rather shy man.

But he takes
directions remarkably well.

- All in the line of duty, huh, Noah?

- I just wanted to tell
you that Dr. Schneider

has thought it over about
our conditions of research

in this country and decided to defect.

Now, Dr. Schneider has connections too.

That's how I happen to be here.

- I couldn't possibly have
left you behind, Noah.

- Well, what do you think, Noah?

Tough assignment?

- It was one of the toughest.

- Well, sir, in my opinion, when it comes
to problems, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Isn't that right, Dr. Schneider?

- Al.

- Oh, listen, don't look at me, pal.

My bag is getting into situations
like this, not getting out of them.

And this time, there'll
be no wee small voice

speaking to you,
telling you what to do.

You'll be completely on your own.

- Noah, weren't you going to
show me the Smithsonian Institute?

And aren't the cherry blossoms
blooming along the tidal basin?

- Al.

- Good luck, pal.

Let me know how you come out.

(gentle music).

- What's the matter?

- Oh, I still wish I had that
little microphone hooked up.

- Well, you said you wouldn't
be talking to him anymore.

- Who'd be talking?

I'd give a bundle if
I could just listen in.

Oh, beautiful.