It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 1, Episode 10 - Birds of a Feather - full transcript

An American spy is captured and put in prison. He's not slated for execution because the Botrovian authorities are convinced he knows the location of the documents he stole. Mundy is tasked with both rescuing the spy as well as recovering the documents.







>> Well, finished, you can have them back.

>> Where's the copy?

>> Right here.

>> It's so small.

It's considered slightly unhealthy
in my profession to carry stolen safe

documents as big as that.

>> Well, I've done my part.

I must get this back to the
minister before it's dismissed.

>> $50,000 in cash.

450 on deposit in Switzerland.

Now here is the number
of the Swiss account.

>> Open up, it's the police.


>> Search all rooms.


>> Don't do that, there's no way.

>> You must escape, I have a family.



>> Open up or we'll break in.


>> I wouldn't go in there if I were you.




>> Any more surprises, Mr. Knox?

>> No more surprises, Colonel.

On my word, as a spy.


>> Oh, look, Al, I'm
not asking you to spy.

Just asking you to steal.





>> A policeman was killed during
Willard Knox's arrest and still they didn't

give him a death penalty.

>> Think they're keeping Knox
alive for some special reason?

>> Never look away, Mr. Mundy, that's one.

>> Yes, a very special reason.

The Miloslav document, it will tell
us precisely at what point certain

countries are committed to come to
the defense of certain other countries.

We know Knox got
the document, I still

think a copy of that
document is missing.

>> And the communists figure
that Knox knows where it is.

>> Concentrate, Mr. Mundy, that's two.

>> Yes, but the
Petrovians don't know

that it could even be
in prison with Knox.

He could be working the same trick
he pulled in Romania six months ago.

>> Oh, his gold tooth you told me about.

>> Exactly.

>> Well, if you're right, that leaves
you with rather a large problem.

Willard Knox is doing 30 years in a
communist maximum security prison.

>> Well, there is a solution.

All we have to do
is to find ourselves

an agent who is
familiar with prisons.

>> Prisons?

>> Mr. Mundy, you've been had.

>> Well, it's not the first time.

You can get yourself another boy, Noah.

>> You're the only man
we've got who has a chance.

>> What chance?
You've been sniffing banana peels again.

I'm a thief, not a magician.

It takes months, years to
break out of a good pen.

>> Well, we've got no other choice.

I can tell you this,
Al, the mission is vital.

>> It always is.

Sorry, I pass.

>> You realize the alternative
to taking this assignment?

>> It doesn't matter, Noah.

Nothing but nothing can
get me on that airplane.

>> You lose your mansion,
your cars, your girls.

You go back to prison,
your parole canceled.

And then we'll turn on the heat.


>> Willard Knox's
last known visitor

was his attorney
appointed by the state.

The attorney's name is Ilyan Voslav.

Now, when you get to Knox,
remember, his last known

contact phrase was "Happy
days are here again.".

>> A groovy. Do I hum it or say it?

>> His response will be "Mother Goose."

>> Mother Goose.

>> Now, if you get that far,
you'll know you found your man.

And he'll know it's safe
to pass you the microfilm.

>> What's my cover
while I'm visiting Petrovia?

>> We've run into a snag about that.

I'm afraid we've
had to arrange for

secondary transportation
across the border.

>> Secondary transportation.

>> We've just passed into Petrovia.

In a few minutes, you'll be on your own.

>> How do you expect to put this
thing down without attracting attention?

>> We don't.

>> Thanks a lot, pal.



>> Excellency.

>> Welcome.

Welcome to the People's
Progressive Penal Institute.

I am Pavel Jilka, the prison director.

>> We are honored to be here, sir.

Allow me to present you to my wife.

>> Madame Marcoux.

>> My executive secretary,
Comrade Anya Salina.

>> Comrade Salina.

>> Comrade Jilka.

>> Well, now that you are here, I
hope you will all enjoy yourselves.

>> Excuse me.

>> Yes, I will take that at the gate.

You will pardon me, won't you?

>> Of course.

>> Thank you very much.

Now, how is your headache, my dear?

>> I'll let you know when we are to
visit prisons and farms and factories.

>> Courage, ma petite.

In a few hours, we will be on our way
to our new home at the embassy in the

United States.

>> It will be wonderful, Mr. Ambassador.

My dream for you come true.

>> Dear Anya, whatever would I
have accomplished all these many years

without you by my side?


>> Good morning.

>> Good morning, Colonel Kessler.

>> How is our little American spy today?

>> As you can see.

>> Still no mail, eh, in or out?

Yes, very interesting.

I'd hoped that Mr. Knox would
be a little more communicative.

However, I'm sure he will
come through, sooner or later.

>> Yes. In the meantime, keep me
informed of any visitors or contacts with

the other prisoners.

>> Of course.

Oh, Colonel, there was one call.

Comrade Boslav, the lawyer appointed
by the state to represent Mr. Knox,

called this morning to say he
would be paying his client a visit.

>> Yes.

Thank you for your report.

>> Good morning.

>> Dietrich.

>> Sir.

>> Sir.

>> Ilyan Boslav.

I seem to remember
processing travel papers for him.

>> Yes, Colonel. An urgent matter of state.

He was to have left yesterday.

>> Verify his departure. Immediately.

>> Yes, sir.

>> As you can see, our inmates are
learning trades which will enable them to

function in society.

We are very proud of
the work done in this room.

>> Monsieur.

>> Hm?

>> These prisoners, what are their crimes?

>> Oh, we have all kinds, madame.

In this room we have
thieves, arsonists, embezzlers.

We even have an American spy.

>> An American spy? How fascinating.

Which one is he?

>> Right over there.

Come, Ambassador, I must show
you something very interesting.

Come with me, please.

>> Hello.

>> Ah.

Oh, hello.

>> Your things are lovely.

>> Oh, thank you.

If you see anything you like, just holler.

My prices are marked way down today.

>> Oh, thank you, but I've got so
much jewelry, I don't know what to do with

all of it.

>> Well, that makes you an unusual lady.

You, uh, you don't sound native.

>> Well, I'm French, but I
haven't seen much of France lately.

>> Well, don't feel badly.
I don't see too much of home either.

>> You're an American.
We're leaving for America today.

>> Oh.

Oh, is that a fact?

Well, uh, say hello to everyone for me.

>> I will.

Well, it's been nice talking to you.

>> Miss, uh, would you do me a favor?

>> If I can.

>> I was admiring your ring.

I don't think I've ever seen
another one quite like it.

>> Well, it's an original,
a family heirloom.

>> Oh, yes, a little fact.

I'd like to try my hand at
something like that someday.

Would you mind, uh,
doing terribly if I sketch it?

>> Uh, I have to leave.

>> It won't take long.
It would mean a lot to me.

>> All right.

>> Perfect.

[phone ringing]

>> Yes?

>> Sir, I have located Ivan Boslav.

>> Good. Is he still in the city?

>> He arrived at our embassy this morning.

In Warsaw.

>> Warsaw?

Order my car. At once.

[motorcycle engine]

>> I'm Ian Boslav.

>> Bag it.


>> Halt!

Security, Herr Boslav.
You've forgotten to sign in.

>> Ah, yes.

>> Even though we may know you're
on site, Herr Boslav, it is required that

we compare signatures.

>> Compare signatures?

>> Through the sample of
the signature we keep on file.

All security measures seem a
great nuisance until they are violated.

Then it can be quite exciting.

>> Sign in.

>> Herr Boslav.

>> Certainly. Would you mind?

>> Allow me.


>> Thank you.

>> Thank you. You may pass through.


Miss, I think I can get
along without this now.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Uh, Mr. Sketch?

I haven't put in the finishing touches yet.

Madame, your host would
like you to see the entire shop.

You see the entire shop for me, Anya.

This man is sketching my ring.

Madame, I hesitate to remind
you of your responsibility.

Anya, you never hesitate to
remind me of my responsibilities.

My days are a constant
stream of responsibilities.

As Executive Secretary to the Ambassador,

it is my function to remind members
of the party on correct protocol.

Perhaps there is another
member of the party

deserving a little
bit of your attention.

Yes, Madame.


You must go, my dear.

I wonder what became of Anya.

I don't know.

You've got to let me see it.
We've got to go.


It's a little rushed.

It's wonderful.

Promise me you'll wear
that ring in Washington.

I know it'll be a big hit.

I will. Thank you.

Thank you.



[doorbell rings]

Comrade Vosloff!

Comrade Vosloff!

I don't think you have met
our distinguished guests.

Ambassador Marku, his lovely wife.

I should like you to meet Ilyan Vosloff,
our State Defender of the People.


A pleasure, Comrade Vosloff.

Perhaps we will meet again.

I hope so.




Happy days are here again, Mr. Knox.

You're kidding.

Who are you?


Mother Goose.


Alexander Mundy. At your service.

You've got to be straight
in from Washington.

Nobody uses that
password stuff out in the field.

I'm a company man.
I work strictly by the book.

So, uh, I've, uh, decided
I like it here, Counselor.

And decided to stop appealing the case.

Ah, yes.

I gather you came for the microfilm.

Then you do have it.

I did have it.

I didn't think anybody had a chance
of getting to me in this, uh, brick

garden, so I smuggled it out.


All of this for nothing.

I wouldn't say that.

I made a sketch that
could lead you right to it.

Lay it on me and I'll be on my way.

I said, could lead you to it.


Meaning here we are talking like old
pals and in a minute you're gonna walk

out of here free as a bird.

Seven years in the service and they
didn't even send me a Christmas card.

Well, I'll send you some dried
fruit the minute I hit the street.

Sure does make you think.

Well, stop thinking, Knox.

Forget it. We wouldn't have a chance.

I'm sure you're right.

But when they get
tired looking for that

microfilm, they're
gonna kill me anyhow.

So what have I got to lose?

Then you've got a plan.

We could force a guard
to take us out of the shop.

What then?

Then we wing 'em.

Fabulous idea. No deal.

You want the microfilm?

Take me with you.

If we get caught, you better
pray we're not in the same cell.

Move on to the aisle.

If we get caught, we
won't be needing cells.

Don't move.

I need a consultation room for my client.

By orders of the director, lead the way.

Prisoner to a consultation
room with his attorney.

Director's orders.

Well, this is an unexpected
pleasure, Colonel.

Where is the American?

In the crafts shop with
his attorney, Ilyan Boslof.

Ilyan Boslof is in Warsaw.

Get in there.


Easy man, the costume is rented.

Shh, that was Kessler,
State Security Police.

We'll never make it.

Don't get up tight. He didn't see us.


Looks more like a fort than a prison.

It was a fort.

This half of the building now serves
as an arsenal for the guards and.

the road gang demolition crews. Catch?

No thanks, I work alone.

Let's go.

What do you want, Jim?

Just evening up the odds.

Crack open a box of that dynamite
and get me some detonator caps, will ya?

I'm gonna find something.


You mind telling me what we're
going to connect this dynamite to?

The security alarm.

Oh, a man after my own heart.

The American prisoner, where is he?

He was taken out for a
consultation with his lawyers.

By whose orders?

By your orders, sir.
















Get out of here.

Hey, hey, hey, I said get out of here.

I can't leave you.

Puck, puck, puck, puck.


Quick, quick, I stashed the microchip.

The Camille ring
belongs to Petrov, the

wife of Petrovia's
ambassador to the States.

You shouldn't have
to... [gunshots].




[shaking the gate].

[machine gun shots]







I've never done anything like this before.

A girl should be open to new experiences.

You do unusual things, I find.

Quite stimulating.

Thank you.

I never met a man so gentle.

A man should be as gentle
as the occasion requires.




Hello, Chief.


If you can get pigeons out of your
mind long enough, you can give some

thought to this assignment.

I know how important it is, sir.
I'm ready to go.

With or without your popcorn?

One that's full of vitamins, Noah.

There's only one problem.

I don't plan on getting caught, but if
they do catch me coming out of the

embassy, you're going to be
left with a lot of egg on your face.

It'll never touch us.

They'll think you're
an overly ambitious

Jewel thief with a
long prison record.

Still, it'd be better all
around if you weren't caught.

The thought has occurred to me.

Think you can do it?

I can lift the ring in my sleep.

It'll even be easier if I can get to
the ambassador's teeny-bopper wife

while she's sleeping.

One foot inside that embassy,
Al, and you're in a foreign country.

If you get caught in that lady's
bedroom, don't count on a lengthy trial.

Nikolai, I wish to reconsider.

If just once we could be alone, huh?

If we could go to the
cinema, it would be wonderful.

It would be something different.

Please, Nikolai, for me.

Now, Trish, don't be foolish.

You know I must attend a
reception given in my honor.

Excellency, your car is ready.

Thank you, Anya.

Is Madame not going to attend
the ambassador's reception?

No, Madame is not going to
attend the ambassador's reception.


I'm sorry, Madame. I
only meant to inquire

should there be calls
later in the evening.

Trish, I am surprised at you.

Anya has a great responsibility
in attending to our official affairs.

Your tone was uncalled for.

You should apologize.

I will not apologize.

Very well.

Then I will apologize.

It isn't necessary, Excellency.
I understand.

She understands, but I do not.

Why do you insist on behaving
this way in front of Anya?

You force her to think of you in
the most uncomplimentary terms.

I don't care what she... Trish,
you do behave like a child.

You refuse to go
to state functions or

perform the duties of a
woman of your station.

Twenty years that woman
has lived by your side.

Do you think she was
delighted to have you marry me?

Trish, Trish, when you are older,

you will recognize the difference
between loyalty and love.

Nikolai, if ever I was
that loyal to another man,

you would soon see the difference.

That window up there is
Madame Marcoux's bedroom.

All right. Stay put.

You can see the driveway
and the window from here.

When the ambassador returns or
anything else unusual grabs your attention,

pass the word to our troops aloft.

Who's that?


Do you think you could scale that
latticework over there if you had to?

Want to race?

Physical sports later.

Keep in touch.




When Ambassador Marcoux arrives,
tell him to return to the embassy at once.

It's an emergency.


Comrade Selina, alert security.
There is an intruder on the grounds.






















You haven't got time for things like that.

So I'm hot-blooded.
I can't help it. What's up?

The grounds are covered with
security guards. Something's wrong.

All right. I'll be along in a minute.








Anya, what is it?

Madame has a late gentleman call her.

I don't believe it.

I will see for myself.

Wait here.

Anya, I hope that you are wrong.

And if you are, you realize the
consequences of this accusation.




You have been sleeping.

Well, of course I've been sleeping.

It's so early.
Are you back from the reception already?

You have been alone all evening?

Well, who would I be with?

Nikolai, what's the matter?

Anya, I ask you to wait outside.

Excellency, have you searched the room?
The closets? The bathrooms?

The kitchen?

What is she saying?
What are you accusing me of?

Nothing, my darling.
I'm sorry to have awakened you.

But there are rumors of
a prowler on the grounds.

Well, what would he be doing here?

He has to be someplace.

Anya, please, step outside.

Excellency, I insist that
you search the room.

Anya, this is my wife.

I will not further this outrageous
intrusion by permitting a search.

Excellency, if you don't
search the room, you are a fool.


That will be all.

There's more than this
than you're telling me.

What has Anna told you?

If it would make you feel better,
go and search. I'll even help you.

There will be some changes made tomorrow.

Changes that will please you.

I have been wrong.

Good night.

Good night.






You seem bent on making this one
assignment some sort of job security.

Now, maybe busting
in and out of maximum

security installations
gives you kicks,

but it isn't getting us the microfilm.

It's as good as in our hands right now.

Yeah, that sounds familiar.

Tristate Plumbing.

This is the Petrovian Embassy.

Would you please send a
plumber over as soon as possible?

We'll get a man out this afternoon.

Tristate Plumbing.


Tristate Plumbing.

Good afternoon.

This is the Petrovian Embassy.

Please cancel our service call.

The order has been adjusted.

All right, thank you for calling.

Al, after last night, that
embassy's going to be a hot spot.

Nobody's going to be able to get
in or out without a security check.

Don't worry. When the chips are
down, just send in Alexander the Great.

Alexander who?

Hasn't the Petrovian Chief of Internal
Security come a long way over just a

little brother?

Madame Marco, my hurried departure
from Petrovia was motivated by you.

Explain yourself, Colonel.

You recall your visit to
the People's Penal Institute.

I've reason to believe
an American agent

may have attempted
to use Madame Marco

to transport stolen state secrets.

Colonel, the whole idea is absurd.

May I examine your cameo ring, Madame?

What is it, Trish?

Give him the ring.

Nikolai, the problem last night,

I didn't take it seriously
or I would have told you.

My ring is missing.

Our intruder took refuge in here.

But why? If you say this man came in
and left through the bedroom window,

would he have come in here?

You came home unexpectedly.

The embassy grounds were
covered by guards on alert.

There was no other place to go.

Now use the other sink.
That one is clogged.

Must be something stuck in the trap.

How long has this sink been out of order?

Since this morning. I reported it.
The plumber's on his way.

Put the embassy on alert.


Well, if you think the ring
is in the sink, then get it out.

You'll have your precious
microfilm and I'll have my ring.

Recovering the microfilm
isn't quite enough, Madame.

I must be able to prove the
Americans are responsible for its theft.

That they violated this embassy.

Tristate Plumbing.
You plug 'em, we slug 'em.

Good afternoon.

I trust that you have no
weapons in those bags.

Oh, come on, man.
I don't know what you're talking about.

I mean, if you
want to get yourself

another boy like me,
I'll pop for the dime.

But guns aren't my scene, baby.

No offense. The embassy
has been the victim of burglars.

Security is my job.

That small...pail.

Oh, that? Well,
that's for getting things

out of small places,
you know, baby?

I mean, I wouldn't be any
good without it, you know?

I see. I think you'll find the
bathroom sink needs some attention.

Oh, cuckoo. Sinks are my bag.
I'll get that done right away, man.

[Doorbell rings].

Why didn't you have him searched?

I'm not interested in what
he takes into that room.

It's what he brings out that will hang him.

[Suspenseful music].

You are under arrest.

Search him.

Perhaps we are mistaken.

[Suspenseful music]

Take him to the X-ray
machine in the basement.

Oh, come on, baby. Honest.
Really, this is... Take him!

We are not mistaken.

[Suspenseful music]


Nothing. I don't understand it. I was sure.

We cannot hold the
young man any longer.

It is already officially

I know it is there somewhere.

Hey, listen, man.
I've had it with this plain doctor thing.

That cat's x-rayed everything
I've got except my back teeth.

Now, if I don't get out to Arlington to unplug Mrs. Hellman's drain, it's gonna be a bad scene. You know what I mean?

I apologize for the inconvenience,
young man. You are free to go.

Please, put the overtime on the bill.

Cuckoo, I like your style.

See you around.

I was not mistaken.
The ring and the document were there.

The mistake, Colonel,
was in ever allowing

the microfilm to
leave the country.

In the first place.

For that, I am afraid,
you must assume

all responsibilities
and consequences.

To an evening of discovery.

But no surprises.

Ah, so here you are.

Why didn't you report in?

Don't you realize
half of Washington is

waiting for your
report and here you sit?

Don't freak out, no. Everything is cool.
How'd you know I got back?

I knew you were back because for
the first time in four years, there was no

answer at video surveillance.

What did you do to them this time, hmm?

Oh, no.

You are sleeping.

You are in a deep, restful sleep.

You will not awaken until I count three.

You are sleeping.

At the count of three, you
will all be in need of new jobs.

All right, let's get back to business.

You got the microfilm?

Is that what you're up so tight about?

Yes, that's what I'm up so tight about.

No, not yet.

Al, I'm in no mood for jokes.
What do you mean, "No, not yet"?

I knew I wouldn't be able to walk out of that
embassy with the ring, so I took an occasional partner.

A partner?

He should have showed up by now.


Where have you been, huh?

A carrier pigeon.

You entrusted the Miloslav
document to a carrier pigeon.

A bird.

Well, not just a bird. Alexander the Great.

I named him myself.


Were you planning to
work with him in the future?

Now and then. Why?

Oh, nothing.
I was just thinking of the expense.

What expense?

Well, you know I have a crew working
round the clock, keeping you under constant survellaince.


So now I'm going
to have to find a

trustworthy and
reasonably loyal pussycat.

You made a little joke.