Intelligence (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
When Jerry admits that he has slept with Tuva, Joseph is devastated. But when he learns that Jerry is married he begins to question their whole friendship. Having failed her appraisal, Christine attempts to soften her style.
(upbeat music)
- [Jerry] Joseph,
quiet room, now.
- Oh my god, what's wrong?
Jerry, what is it?
God, Jerry, are you okay?
- Yeah.
- So what's wrong,
what happened?
- I think I have syphilis.
And maybe gonorrhea too.
I really can't tell.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, yeah, hey, can
you get the fuck out?
Thank you.
- Thank you.
So what do you think it was
something that you ate maybe?
- No, I had sex last night.
- Oh my god with who?
- I can't say.
- Not Christine.
- No, she must be, what my age?
- So was it with a prostitute?
- Ew, no.
- Not Mary.
- No I just said it
wasn't a prostitute.
- Well then who?
- Look, I can't, okay?
She made me promise
to tell anyone.
- It's fine, just tell me.
- It was Tuva.
(upbeat music)
(woman choking)
I mean, obviously I've
had lots of experience
but Tuva can do things I've
only seen possible with CGI.
- Right, who's
got a poorly dick?
- Quintin, thank God.
- I mean, how did this even
end up happening, Jerry?
- Quintin, have you
seen the film Avatar?
- Why, has it turned blue?
- No, but look.
- Oh god no.
- Hey, hey, don't turn away.
I mean, that's just rude.
(Jerry gasps)
Have you seen anything like it?
- Only in livestock.
- Fantastic appraisal scores
off the back of that
NHS scenario, Chris.
- Sorry, where did you
say you were again?
- I actually don't know.
There was one area where
you seem to have failed.
- [Chris] Failed?
- Yes, it was in staff
welfare and management.
- Get out!
(woman coughs)
Why?
- Be gentle please (gasps).
Mother!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Just gonna try again, okay?
- Okay, okay.
- It looks like
subepidermal hematoma.
- Oh my god, is that fatal?
- No, no, no, it's just trauma.
What exactly happened?
Did she punch you in the penis?
- I mean, there was.
No.
- Why is it still erect?
- It's not erect.
- Hey.
- Hey, you all right?
(fart squelches)
- I'm so sorry.
I think I've had
too much baraka.
- You know they're not
suppositories, right?
- Good morning.
- Oh gosh, are you okay?
- Yeah.
(fart squelches)
(groans) Are you okay?
- Good morning team,
valued staff members.
Right, who'd like some raisins?
- Yeah, actually I
would Chris, thanks.
I'm absolutely ravenous.
I had a big night last night.
- So I know that
we've all got a lot
to be getting on with
but I just wanted
to remind all of you
that if ever work
becomes too stressful
and you want to talk about it
or about anything
else for that matter,
I'm always here.
That includes you, too, Evelyn.
- I never find work stressful.
- Well, no, but
if you ever wanted
to talk about something
more personal.
Okay, so.
- I was the first in my
class to get my period.
- It doesn't have to be now.
So I've had an update on the
Dixons car phone data breach.
I do think this is going
to be one for you, Mary.
They've used a 28
bit block cipher.
- That's what my PhD was in.
- Exactly.
And no one else could
bear taking it on.
- Really, okay well it might
take me a little longer
than usual because my
mum's not been well.
She's nearly 90.
- She musta had you
when she was very young.
- You see this is a good example
of something that you might
want to come and speak
to me about.
- I'd really appreciate
that actually, Chris.
She keeps telling me
to go fuck myself.
- Well, perhaps when you've
finished all this work
and removed all the
corrupted files.
- Oh, right.
- End of play today
would be soon enough.
(upbeat music)
- Hey you.
(women cooing)
- Oh.
- Wonder if it's
a boy or a girl.
- Oh gosh.
I can never tell.
- That's the
problem with babies,
they don't have boobs.
- No.
- Hi.
- Hello darling.
- Well done.
- Thanks.
- Hey, I've just been looking
at the Karasimov file,
do we have a contact
in linguistics who
can translate Russian?
- Have you tried Olga?
- I can never understand
what she's saying.
- You know she's Russian.
- Oh is that what that is?
Oh right.
- Thanks for the card by the way
but I only celebrate my
birthday every other year.
- Well, that's fine just
keep it for next year then.
There's nothing in
there that can go off.
- Anything else?
- Well, I just wanted
to let you know
that I know about you and Jerry.
- Has he been mouthing me off?
- Oh god, he didn't say
if he'd done that as well.
Sorry, so has this been
going on for a while then?
I only ask just
'cause Jerry seemed
to imply it was like
a permanent thing.
- Wow, okay, well, either way,
I just don't like to
sleep with the same person
more than once.
I think it's lazy.
- Oh, no, I agree
with that, me too.
God, yeah.
It's boring.
But you never
know, maybe one day
you might find that one person
who you wanna settle down.
- No, that would
never work for me.
- No, no, 'cause you're just.
It's funny though I
was doing one of those
like online harmony tests things
and we actually come
out as 89% I think.
- Yeah, it's that 11%
I'm worried about.
- Then why sleep with Jerry?
- Because I don't care about him
like I'd care about you.
But you're right,
I should let him know
it won't happen again.
Plus he's so not over his wife.
(phone rings)
- Is everything okay?
Well the district nurse
will be around in a bit.
Yes, that's the one.
But you really can't
call her that nowadays.
(glass tapping)
- Yes?
- Hi, Chris, do you have
like 40, 45 minutes?
- Not that long, no.
Is this about the
Buble conspiracy?
- I don't know what that is.
- Thanks Evelyn.
No, can you leave
the room please.
- Oh my god.
- Sorry.
- Quickly.
- So, listen, I don't
wanna name names
but there is someone
in the office
who I've started to think of
as more than just a friend.
- Why?
- 'Cause she's really nice.
- Are you talking about me?
- No, why?
Are you interested?
- Of course not.
So this is about Tuva?
- Oh, I really don't
wanna say who it is.
- Well I'm guessing
it's not Mary.
- Oh, no, no, God no,
no, definitely not Mary.
Anyway, it turns out this person
for whatever reason has
actually ended up having sex
with someone else on our team.
- Jerry.
- I really don't
wanna name names.
- Yes, but surely not Mary?
- No, it's still not Mary
but the thing is this
person is in fact
a very good friend.
- Jerry, of course,
he walks all over you.
- And on top of that I've
just found out he has a wife.
- Jerry's married?
- So now I'm beginning to
question do I even know
who this person is anymore?
- Jerry?
- I mean, what do you
think I should do?
Do you think I should
talk to him about it or?
(paper rustling)
- Yes.
- Right.
It's a yes.
Can I have a raisin?
- Yes.
(Jerry gasps)
- Hey beautiful.
- Okay, so I'm just
going to say it
so we can move on.
- Oh my god you're pregnant?
- It's been less than 12 hours.
- I don't care I wanna keep it.
- No, this was a one off.
It can never happen again.
- I don't understand,
you sure sounded
like you were enjoying yourself.
- You know sometimes
I moan like that
when I'm really bored.
- I thought we had a connection.
- You kept calling me Melissa.
- Oh come on, was
it really that bad.
Melissa (sobs).
- Yes.
- Fine, you know what?
Actually, I was on
my way to find you
and tell you the same thing so.
- So are we good?
- Tuva, do you really think
this is the first time
I've had a one
night stand, please.
- Great.
(Jerry sobbing)
(upbeat music)
- Oh, hi, Jerry, I just wondered
if we'd have a little chat.
- It's actually not
a great time for me.
I'm super busy.
- Did Tuva come and see you?
- You know what she did.
Poor kid.
She won't leave me
alone, so clingy.
I had to shut that shit down.
I'm actually worried
about her, she was a mess.
I hope she's gonna be okay.
- Listen, if you ever
wanna chat about anything,
just, you know I'm here, right?
- Okay, thanks.
- Maybe you could come
around to mine tonight.
Get my dad to cook
something and we can chat.
- Nah, I think
it'll be too spicy.
- Let's go out, come on.
- Can we go somewhere cozy?
- Of course, the Railway
Inn is super cozy, honestly.
- Is it?
Do they do mashed potatoes?
- I can ask, I mean,
it's very easy to make.
- Okay.
- [Joseph] Yeah?
- Yeah, let's do this.
(keys tapping)
(phone ringing)
- Very nice.
Hey, does this turn into
a topless place later?
- I don't think so, no.
- Listen, I'm really glad
we decided to go out, man.
Just us two guys.
- Yeah, do you wanna
just have a seat
and I'll just get
this first round.
What would you like?
- Yeah, I'll have a scotch.
Top shelf, neat.
- Cool, neat.
- No, neat, no ice.
- Yeah, yeah that's neat.
- Oh hey, also, get
another round of whatever
those two are having.
- What, for us?
- For them.
- Oh right, okay.
(people gasping)
Hey, Tuva, what
are you doing here?
- Hey, you want to
see some magic tricks?
- I can't really.
- Oh come on, pick a card.
- Okay, okay, just really quick.
I love magic.
- Hello?
- I am so sorry, Jerry,
there was a huge queue.
- Where'd you get that?
- Oh, I didn't even see that.
- Cheers, buddy.
- Cheers man, you all right.
This is nice, isn't it?
Just us two.
(Jerry gasps)
Chatting away.
- [Jerry] Right?
- Yeah.
Well, you know, it
just dawned on me.
We've never really ever spoken
about relationships and stuff.
- No, so when was the last
long term relationship you had?
- Oh me.
Probably like my gran.
- Do you have type?
- I haven't really
established a pattern yet.
- You ever hooked up
with anyone at work?
- No not yet.
- Aren't there like 6,000
people workin' at GC HQ?
- Well, yeah, but I mean
I can't access everywhere
with my pass so.
- Yeah, but surely
those odds are great.
I mean, even for somethin'
happenin' by chance.
- Yeah, but I mean I don't
know how accurate a figure
that is, I mean, that
might include staff
from GC HQ Bute for all I know.
I don't wanna have to trek
down there every time.
- I'm not makin' you
uncomfortable, am I?
I'm just tryin' to be friendly.
- No, it's.
- What?
- No, it's just nice
hearing you refer
to me as a friend, that's all.
Are you all right?
- You know what, let's
get another round.
- Oh no, I'm gonna get these.
That's absolutely fine.
- Right, then get us
a couple of shots too.
- Neat?
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- So who are you here with?
- Oh, just a couple
of old school friends.
- Those two?
- No, not them two, no, no.
- You want a drink?
- Maybe just like
a really quick one?
- Can we have a
couple of tequilas?
- Yes, it's just a little
bit tricky at the moment
because the, one of the
people that I'm here with,
he's a bit upset 'cause
the girl he was seeing
has just split up with him so.
- Is she hot?
- I find her attractive, yeah.
- Are you going
to say something?
- To you, oh, I don't know.
Maybe, I just don't
want him to think
that I've been thinking about
them having sex, you know?
- There you go.
- Oh well.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Right.
(Joseph sputters)
Oh my god what's that?
- You never had tequila before?
- I thought it was like squash.
(upbeat music)
I am so sorry Jerry.
- Man, what took so long?
- I had to pop to the toilet.
Just I've got the runs I think.
- Well, surely that would
make things quicker.
- Well, there
wasn't a cubicle so.
- Let's do this.
Cheers buddy.
- Cheers man.
(Jerry whoops)
Yeah.
So what were we talkin' about.
- Well, I think you were about
to me about your
last relationship.
- What, no, man,
don't bring me down.
I'm tryin' to get up.
You know, you really
should go for one of those.
Which one's your favorite?
- I just wouldn't wanna choose.
- [Jerry] Come on man.
- It's fine.
No, Jerry, honestly.
- Oh they are so
waiting for you.
They're begging for it.
- She's not.
- All right, I'm gonna go talk
to 'em, see what I can do.
Come on, come on,
quickly, quickly.
- Okay.
- Yeah baby.
- So, just so I know, how
much are you willing to spend?
- What?
- Hi Chris just to let you know
that I've finally cracked it.
- Yes, I was just
going to take a look.
I'll let Dixons know.
Is there something else?
- No, no, I should
probably get back to mum.
- Yes, good idea.
- The district nurse
just called and she's.
- Okay, try not to
take this the wrong way
but they both have concerns
about your dwarfism.
- Well, that's fine, I
completely understand.
What about you?
- I think I'm starting
to get used to it.
- No, are you interested
in either of those?
- No, no, I'm not lookin'
for a relationship.
- Oh what, because
you're married, Jerry?
- Have people been talkin'
about me behind my back?
- Why didn't you tell me?
- 'Cause it's none
of your business.
- Well you told Tuva.
- That was different, all
right, just slipped out.
- Well, Jerry, there's been
plenty of opportunities
when it could've easily
slipped out of me.
- What?
- [Waiter] Sorry guys.
- What else did
Tuva say about me?
- I don't know, why would I care
about how she feels about you?
- Wait a?
You like Tuva?
- Yes, I like, of
course I like Tuva.
Obviously.
Why is that so funny?
- No, it's just.
You deserve better.
- No I don't.
- Hey, I'm just tryin' to
look out for you, okay?
You just said we were buddies.
- Yeah, well buddies don't
keep things from each other.
- Exactly, I mean, I didn't
know you liked her like that.
You shoulda made your
feelings more obvious.
- [Tuva] Hey.
- What, Tuva, what?
- So is Jerry your date?
- Mm-hm.
- Cool.
Why didn't you say?
- You knew she was here?
- Sorry, did I
not tell you that?
- Is this why you
brought me here
so you two can hang out?
- Hang on, I just need
to work out exactly
how this came about 'cause
I'm actually quite drunk now.
- This is how you
try to cheer me up?
- Well, apart from this bit
I'm havin' a great night.
- Me too, I'm gonna go out
to the garden to
smoke some weed.
- [Jerry] Whoa.
- [Tuva] You guys wanna come?
- No, not, my asthma's.
- No, knock yourself out.
- Sorry.
- Cool, later.
- Why would you lie to me?
I thought we were friends.
- Well, you know what?
I thought we were
friends as well
but there's some people who
think you walk all over me.
- What?
What else do they say?
- That you pee sitting down.
- Okay, that's my business
and not all the time.
Okay, sometimes I don't
know what's gonna happen
so I play it safe.
- That you're secretly vegan.
- Oh fuck you.
- That you're weak.
- You think I'm weak?
- Well, you're always talkin'
about how tough you are
but no one's ever
seen it have they?
- Okay, you know what?
Here, you wanna arm wrestle?
- I don't wanna arm
wrestle, it hurts my arm.
- Whatever.
- You know what I'm done.
- Where are you, hey,
hey, don't walk away.
I'm talkin' to you.
- I'm going home Jerry.
- What a wuss.
- Okay get up.
- What?
- [Joseph] Get up.
- Why?
- We're fighting, get up.
- We're gonna fight?
I'm the one who should
be fighting you.
- Go for it, move your table.
- Oh, oh, you want
help with the table?
- [Joseph] Yeah.
- Yeah, where are we going?
- Just to the right like that.
- [Jerry] There.
- Thank you.
- I can move furniture too.
- [Joseph] Go for it.
- Look at that and this.
Here, there, there,
you have enough space
for all your moves huh?
You little.
- Little what?
- Just little.
(Joseph grunts)
Yeah, sorry buddy.
I'm sorry, it's just
instinct, sorry.
Hey!
Hey!
Okay, can you stop hugging me?
- No.
- Hey.
(Joseph grunts)
- Ow Jerry!
- Sorry, again, instinct.
Come on, get up.
Hey, don't try!
- Ow!
- Yeah, yeah, kick me.
Where you goin' you
little squirrel?
Oh, you're tryin' to
look me in the eye huh?
- Why are you such a dickhead?
- What?
- Well you treat me
like shit all the time.
- I don't treat you
like shit, you're my PA.
- I'm not your PA, I've been
workin' at GC HQ for 12 years.
I'm a junior analyst.
- Really?
- Yes!
Just lose the front.
- Oh you think I
have a front now?
You think I'm frontin'?
- Well why won't you let me in?
- Jesus.
- Come on, why?
- You wanna know why I
won't let you in, huh?
You really wanna know?
'Cause the last time I let
someone in, I shot him.
I lost my best friend.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
All right, are you happy?
(Joseph thuds)
You really gotta work
on your instinct.
(upbeat music)
(dogs barking)
(man snores)
- [Joseph] Jerry.
* Hooray, hooray, hooray
* Misery's on the way
* There are bad times
just around the corner *
* There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky *
* It's as clear as crystal
from Bridlington to Bristol *
* That we can't save democracy
* And we don't much care
* We'd better all
learn the lyrics *
* Of the old red flag
* And wait until
we drop down dead *
- [Jerry] Joseph,
quiet room, now.
- Oh my god, what's wrong?
Jerry, what is it?
God, Jerry, are you okay?
- Yeah.
- So what's wrong,
what happened?
- I think I have syphilis.
And maybe gonorrhea too.
I really can't tell.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, yeah, hey, can
you get the fuck out?
Thank you.
- Thank you.
So what do you think it was
something that you ate maybe?
- No, I had sex last night.
- Oh my god with who?
- I can't say.
- Not Christine.
- No, she must be, what my age?
- So was it with a prostitute?
- Ew, no.
- Not Mary.
- No I just said it
wasn't a prostitute.
- Well then who?
- Look, I can't, okay?
She made me promise
to tell anyone.
- It's fine, just tell me.
- It was Tuva.
(upbeat music)
(woman choking)
I mean, obviously I've
had lots of experience
but Tuva can do things I've
only seen possible with CGI.
- Right, who's
got a poorly dick?
- Quintin, thank God.
- I mean, how did this even
end up happening, Jerry?
- Quintin, have you
seen the film Avatar?
- Why, has it turned blue?
- No, but look.
- Oh god no.
- Hey, hey, don't turn away.
I mean, that's just rude.
(Jerry gasps)
Have you seen anything like it?
- Only in livestock.
- Fantastic appraisal scores
off the back of that
NHS scenario, Chris.
- Sorry, where did you
say you were again?
- I actually don't know.
There was one area where
you seem to have failed.
- [Chris] Failed?
- Yes, it was in staff
welfare and management.
- Get out!
(woman coughs)
Why?
- Be gentle please (gasps).
Mother!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Just gonna try again, okay?
- Okay, okay.
- It looks like
subepidermal hematoma.
- Oh my god, is that fatal?
- No, no, no, it's just trauma.
What exactly happened?
Did she punch you in the penis?
- I mean, there was.
No.
- Why is it still erect?
- It's not erect.
- Hey.
- Hey, you all right?
(fart squelches)
- I'm so sorry.
I think I've had
too much baraka.
- You know they're not
suppositories, right?
- Good morning.
- Oh gosh, are you okay?
- Yeah.
(fart squelches)
(groans) Are you okay?
- Good morning team,
valued staff members.
Right, who'd like some raisins?
- Yeah, actually I
would Chris, thanks.
I'm absolutely ravenous.
I had a big night last night.
- So I know that
we've all got a lot
to be getting on with
but I just wanted
to remind all of you
that if ever work
becomes too stressful
and you want to talk about it
or about anything
else for that matter,
I'm always here.
That includes you, too, Evelyn.
- I never find work stressful.
- Well, no, but
if you ever wanted
to talk about something
more personal.
Okay, so.
- I was the first in my
class to get my period.
- It doesn't have to be now.
So I've had an update on the
Dixons car phone data breach.
I do think this is going
to be one for you, Mary.
They've used a 28
bit block cipher.
- That's what my PhD was in.
- Exactly.
And no one else could
bear taking it on.
- Really, okay well it might
take me a little longer
than usual because my
mum's not been well.
She's nearly 90.
- She musta had you
when she was very young.
- You see this is a good example
of something that you might
want to come and speak
to me about.
- I'd really appreciate
that actually, Chris.
She keeps telling me
to go fuck myself.
- Well, perhaps when you've
finished all this work
and removed all the
corrupted files.
- Oh, right.
- End of play today
would be soon enough.
(upbeat music)
- Hey you.
(women cooing)
- Oh.
- Wonder if it's
a boy or a girl.
- Oh gosh.
I can never tell.
- That's the
problem with babies,
they don't have boobs.
- No.
- Hi.
- Hello darling.
- Well done.
- Thanks.
- Hey, I've just been looking
at the Karasimov file,
do we have a contact
in linguistics who
can translate Russian?
- Have you tried Olga?
- I can never understand
what she's saying.
- You know she's Russian.
- Oh is that what that is?
Oh right.
- Thanks for the card by the way
but I only celebrate my
birthday every other year.
- Well, that's fine just
keep it for next year then.
There's nothing in
there that can go off.
- Anything else?
- Well, I just wanted
to let you know
that I know about you and Jerry.
- Has he been mouthing me off?
- Oh god, he didn't say
if he'd done that as well.
Sorry, so has this been
going on for a while then?
I only ask just
'cause Jerry seemed
to imply it was like
a permanent thing.
- Wow, okay, well, either way,
I just don't like to
sleep with the same person
more than once.
I think it's lazy.
- Oh, no, I agree
with that, me too.
God, yeah.
It's boring.
But you never
know, maybe one day
you might find that one person
who you wanna settle down.
- No, that would
never work for me.
- No, no, 'cause you're just.
It's funny though I
was doing one of those
like online harmony tests things
and we actually come
out as 89% I think.
- Yeah, it's that 11%
I'm worried about.
- Then why sleep with Jerry?
- Because I don't care about him
like I'd care about you.
But you're right,
I should let him know
it won't happen again.
Plus he's so not over his wife.
(phone rings)
- Is everything okay?
Well the district nurse
will be around in a bit.
Yes, that's the one.
But you really can't
call her that nowadays.
(glass tapping)
- Yes?
- Hi, Chris, do you have
like 40, 45 minutes?
- Not that long, no.
Is this about the
Buble conspiracy?
- I don't know what that is.
- Thanks Evelyn.
No, can you leave
the room please.
- Oh my god.
- Sorry.
- Quickly.
- So, listen, I don't
wanna name names
but there is someone
in the office
who I've started to think of
as more than just a friend.
- Why?
- 'Cause she's really nice.
- Are you talking about me?
- No, why?
Are you interested?
- Of course not.
So this is about Tuva?
- Oh, I really don't
wanna say who it is.
- Well I'm guessing
it's not Mary.
- Oh, no, no, God no,
no, definitely not Mary.
Anyway, it turns out this person
for whatever reason has
actually ended up having sex
with someone else on our team.
- Jerry.
- I really don't
wanna name names.
- Yes, but surely not Mary?
- No, it's still not Mary
but the thing is this
person is in fact
a very good friend.
- Jerry, of course,
he walks all over you.
- And on top of that I've
just found out he has a wife.
- Jerry's married?
- So now I'm beginning to
question do I even know
who this person is anymore?
- Jerry?
- I mean, what do you
think I should do?
Do you think I should
talk to him about it or?
(paper rustling)
- Yes.
- Right.
It's a yes.
Can I have a raisin?
- Yes.
(Jerry gasps)
- Hey beautiful.
- Okay, so I'm just
going to say it
so we can move on.
- Oh my god you're pregnant?
- It's been less than 12 hours.
- I don't care I wanna keep it.
- No, this was a one off.
It can never happen again.
- I don't understand,
you sure sounded
like you were enjoying yourself.
- You know sometimes
I moan like that
when I'm really bored.
- I thought we had a connection.
- You kept calling me Melissa.
- Oh come on, was
it really that bad.
Melissa (sobs).
- Yes.
- Fine, you know what?
Actually, I was on
my way to find you
and tell you the same thing so.
- So are we good?
- Tuva, do you really think
this is the first time
I've had a one
night stand, please.
- Great.
(Jerry sobbing)
(upbeat music)
- Oh, hi, Jerry, I just wondered
if we'd have a little chat.
- It's actually not
a great time for me.
I'm super busy.
- Did Tuva come and see you?
- You know what she did.
Poor kid.
She won't leave me
alone, so clingy.
I had to shut that shit down.
I'm actually worried
about her, she was a mess.
I hope she's gonna be okay.
- Listen, if you ever
wanna chat about anything,
just, you know I'm here, right?
- Okay, thanks.
- Maybe you could come
around to mine tonight.
Get my dad to cook
something and we can chat.
- Nah, I think
it'll be too spicy.
- Let's go out, come on.
- Can we go somewhere cozy?
- Of course, the Railway
Inn is super cozy, honestly.
- Is it?
Do they do mashed potatoes?
- I can ask, I mean,
it's very easy to make.
- Okay.
- [Joseph] Yeah?
- Yeah, let's do this.
(keys tapping)
(phone ringing)
- Very nice.
Hey, does this turn into
a topless place later?
- I don't think so, no.
- Listen, I'm really glad
we decided to go out, man.
Just us two guys.
- Yeah, do you wanna
just have a seat
and I'll just get
this first round.
What would you like?
- Yeah, I'll have a scotch.
Top shelf, neat.
- Cool, neat.
- No, neat, no ice.
- Yeah, yeah that's neat.
- Oh hey, also, get
another round of whatever
those two are having.
- What, for us?
- For them.
- Oh right, okay.
(people gasping)
Hey, Tuva, what
are you doing here?
- Hey, you want to
see some magic tricks?
- I can't really.
- Oh come on, pick a card.
- Okay, okay, just really quick.
I love magic.
- Hello?
- I am so sorry, Jerry,
there was a huge queue.
- Where'd you get that?
- Oh, I didn't even see that.
- Cheers, buddy.
- Cheers man, you all right.
This is nice, isn't it?
Just us two.
(Jerry gasps)
Chatting away.
- [Jerry] Right?
- Yeah.
Well, you know, it
just dawned on me.
We've never really ever spoken
about relationships and stuff.
- No, so when was the last
long term relationship you had?
- Oh me.
Probably like my gran.
- Do you have type?
- I haven't really
established a pattern yet.
- You ever hooked up
with anyone at work?
- No not yet.
- Aren't there like 6,000
people workin' at GC HQ?
- Well, yeah, but I mean
I can't access everywhere
with my pass so.
- Yeah, but surely
those odds are great.
I mean, even for somethin'
happenin' by chance.
- Yeah, but I mean I don't
know how accurate a figure
that is, I mean, that
might include staff
from GC HQ Bute for all I know.
I don't wanna have to trek
down there every time.
- I'm not makin' you
uncomfortable, am I?
I'm just tryin' to be friendly.
- No, it's.
- What?
- No, it's just nice
hearing you refer
to me as a friend, that's all.
Are you all right?
- You know what, let's
get another round.
- Oh no, I'm gonna get these.
That's absolutely fine.
- Right, then get us
a couple of shots too.
- Neat?
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- So who are you here with?
- Oh, just a couple
of old school friends.
- Those two?
- No, not them two, no, no.
- You want a drink?
- Maybe just like
a really quick one?
- Can we have a
couple of tequilas?
- Yes, it's just a little
bit tricky at the moment
because the, one of the
people that I'm here with,
he's a bit upset 'cause
the girl he was seeing
has just split up with him so.
- Is she hot?
- I find her attractive, yeah.
- Are you going
to say something?
- To you, oh, I don't know.
Maybe, I just don't
want him to think
that I've been thinking about
them having sex, you know?
- There you go.
- Oh well.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Right.
(Joseph sputters)
Oh my god what's that?
- You never had tequila before?
- I thought it was like squash.
(upbeat music)
I am so sorry Jerry.
- Man, what took so long?
- I had to pop to the toilet.
Just I've got the runs I think.
- Well, surely that would
make things quicker.
- Well, there
wasn't a cubicle so.
- Let's do this.
Cheers buddy.
- Cheers man.
(Jerry whoops)
Yeah.
So what were we talkin' about.
- Well, I think you were about
to me about your
last relationship.
- What, no, man,
don't bring me down.
I'm tryin' to get up.
You know, you really
should go for one of those.
Which one's your favorite?
- I just wouldn't wanna choose.
- [Jerry] Come on man.
- It's fine.
No, Jerry, honestly.
- Oh they are so
waiting for you.
They're begging for it.
- She's not.
- All right, I'm gonna go talk
to 'em, see what I can do.
Come on, come on,
quickly, quickly.
- Okay.
- Yeah baby.
- So, just so I know, how
much are you willing to spend?
- What?
- Hi Chris just to let you know
that I've finally cracked it.
- Yes, I was just
going to take a look.
I'll let Dixons know.
Is there something else?
- No, no, I should
probably get back to mum.
- Yes, good idea.
- The district nurse
just called and she's.
- Okay, try not to
take this the wrong way
but they both have concerns
about your dwarfism.
- Well, that's fine, I
completely understand.
What about you?
- I think I'm starting
to get used to it.
- No, are you interested
in either of those?
- No, no, I'm not lookin'
for a relationship.
- Oh what, because
you're married, Jerry?
- Have people been talkin'
about me behind my back?
- Why didn't you tell me?
- 'Cause it's none
of your business.
- Well you told Tuva.
- That was different, all
right, just slipped out.
- Well, Jerry, there's been
plenty of opportunities
when it could've easily
slipped out of me.
- What?
- [Waiter] Sorry guys.
- What else did
Tuva say about me?
- I don't know, why would I care
about how she feels about you?
- Wait a?
You like Tuva?
- Yes, I like, of
course I like Tuva.
Obviously.
Why is that so funny?
- No, it's just.
You deserve better.
- No I don't.
- Hey, I'm just tryin' to
look out for you, okay?
You just said we were buddies.
- Yeah, well buddies don't
keep things from each other.
- Exactly, I mean, I didn't
know you liked her like that.
You shoulda made your
feelings more obvious.
- [Tuva] Hey.
- What, Tuva, what?
- So is Jerry your date?
- Mm-hm.
- Cool.
Why didn't you say?
- You knew she was here?
- Sorry, did I
not tell you that?
- Is this why you
brought me here
so you two can hang out?
- Hang on, I just need
to work out exactly
how this came about 'cause
I'm actually quite drunk now.
- This is how you
try to cheer me up?
- Well, apart from this bit
I'm havin' a great night.
- Me too, I'm gonna go out
to the garden to
smoke some weed.
- [Jerry] Whoa.
- [Tuva] You guys wanna come?
- No, not, my asthma's.
- No, knock yourself out.
- Sorry.
- Cool, later.
- Why would you lie to me?
I thought we were friends.
- Well, you know what?
I thought we were
friends as well
but there's some people who
think you walk all over me.
- What?
What else do they say?
- That you pee sitting down.
- Okay, that's my business
and not all the time.
Okay, sometimes I don't
know what's gonna happen
so I play it safe.
- That you're secretly vegan.
- Oh fuck you.
- That you're weak.
- You think I'm weak?
- Well, you're always talkin'
about how tough you are
but no one's ever
seen it have they?
- Okay, you know what?
Here, you wanna arm wrestle?
- I don't wanna arm
wrestle, it hurts my arm.
- Whatever.
- You know what I'm done.
- Where are you, hey,
hey, don't walk away.
I'm talkin' to you.
- I'm going home Jerry.
- What a wuss.
- Okay get up.
- What?
- [Joseph] Get up.
- Why?
- We're fighting, get up.
- We're gonna fight?
I'm the one who should
be fighting you.
- Go for it, move your table.
- Oh, oh, you want
help with the table?
- [Joseph] Yeah.
- Yeah, where are we going?
- Just to the right like that.
- [Jerry] There.
- Thank you.
- I can move furniture too.
- [Joseph] Go for it.
- Look at that and this.
Here, there, there,
you have enough space
for all your moves huh?
You little.
- Little what?
- Just little.
(Joseph grunts)
Yeah, sorry buddy.
I'm sorry, it's just
instinct, sorry.
Hey!
Hey!
Okay, can you stop hugging me?
- No.
- Hey.
(Joseph grunts)
- Ow Jerry!
- Sorry, again, instinct.
Come on, get up.
Hey, don't try!
- Ow!
- Yeah, yeah, kick me.
Where you goin' you
little squirrel?
Oh, you're tryin' to
look me in the eye huh?
- Why are you such a dickhead?
- What?
- Well you treat me
like shit all the time.
- I don't treat you
like shit, you're my PA.
- I'm not your PA, I've been
workin' at GC HQ for 12 years.
I'm a junior analyst.
- Really?
- Yes!
Just lose the front.
- Oh you think I
have a front now?
You think I'm frontin'?
- Well why won't you let me in?
- Jesus.
- Come on, why?
- You wanna know why I
won't let you in, huh?
You really wanna know?
'Cause the last time I let
someone in, I shot him.
I lost my best friend.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
All right, are you happy?
(Joseph thuds)
You really gotta work
on your instinct.
(upbeat music)
(dogs barking)
(man snores)
- [Joseph] Jerry.
* Hooray, hooray, hooray
* Misery's on the way
* There are bad times
just around the corner *
* There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky *
* It's as clear as crystal
from Bridlington to Bristol *
* That we can't save democracy
* And we don't much care
* We'd better all
learn the lyrics *
* Of the old red flag
* And wait until
we drop down dead *