Intelligence (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
When Jerry learns that his best friend Clint, an FBI Agent, has been sleeping with his wife he accidentally shoots him. When Clint shows up at GCHQ with an extradition order for Jerry, the staff stage a wedding to protect him.
I need to see his file.
- Someone's actually trying
to access your file right now.
- He's hiding something,
I'm sure of it.
Were you disgraced at the NSA
and forced to take
the position here?
- No.
Mother...
(siren wailing)
Anyway, I'm taking
Melissa up the Orinoco
for her birthday,
so that'll be nice.
- Is it a surprise?
- I hope so.
(both laughing)
(phone beeps)
- [Barmaid] There you go.
- Oh no, I don't
think those are ours.
- Oh.
- Yeah, they are.
I ordered these, thank you.
- Jerry, I can't, I'm on duty.
- Dude, come on.
How often do we get to do this?
Huh?
- I'm just gonna
cut to the chase.
- Oh man, I love this track.
- Oh, yeah.
So anyway, as part of
my work at the FBI,
we've been investigating a few
of the officers at the NSA.
- Right, right.
Hey, do you wanna dance?
- No, not right now.
So we've just filed a report,
and I hate to do
this to you, buddy--
- You know what, whatever
you're about to say,
surely it can wait
three minutes.
- Jerry.
Jerry, please don't
make this more difficult
than it already is.
I've been asked to bring you in,
but I'm sure it's
just a formality.
- Man, I'm in the middle
of my dance here, come on!
- Jerry, whatever you did,
I'm sure the NSA
can strike a deal.
- Woo!
- Jerry.
- Yeah, you still got it.
- Okay.
- Yeah!
- Why don't we just go
pay for our drinks--
- Yeah, we'll just go.
(Clint laughing)
What, what?
- That's my gun.
- Yeah.
- That's my gun.
- Jerry.
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Jerry.
- Let's do this.
- Whoa.
- Woo hoo!
- Jerry, please.
Yep, yep.
- Nope, nope, nope, no, no.
No, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Jerry, no.
(gun bangs)
(people screaming)
(Clint screams)
Is this because I'm
sleeping with Melissa?!
- What?!
(radio chattering)
- Gosh, sorry I'm late.
I overslept.
- You look really well, Mary.
Did you have a nice weekend?
- Yes, Mum died.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh my God.
- No, it's actually quite nice.
I get to choose my own
clothes and everything.
- Well, if that's everything,
I've promised the foreign office
an update on the Karazamov file.
It seems like there
are now concerns
there may be a
mole here at GCHQ.
(upbeat music)
- What the fuck?!
- Fortunately, it's not for
any of you to worry about.
- Just to let you know, I might
be going on a little holiday
after I've made all of
Mom's funeral arrangements.
- And when is that?
- Oh, it was supposed
to be Wednesday,
but then there was
a mix up at church,
so now I've had to have it
back home for a few days.
- How are you storing her?
Because if it gets too
warm, she might explode.
- Mm.
- Oh, gosh.
Well, she's just in the
spare room at the minute,
because next door's
dog kept finding her.
- Fantastic.
Shall we crack on?
- Hey, let me know if you
want a hand with any of that.
My uncle used to run a
funeral parlor back at home.
- Really?
Wow.
- He actually invented
a number of techniques
for putting the body
into various shapes
when in the coffin.
Will it be an open casket?
- Possibly, yes.
- And will she be face up?
- Oh, I hope so.
- Yeah, 'cause he
used to do things
like have the person
waving, like...
Or beckoning you over.
Or like they were trying to
climb out, you know, like...
- Oh.
I was just wondering if it
might be easier to cremate her?
- Nice work.
- At home?
- Well, no.
With a ceremony and everything,
but I just thought
it could be quicker.
- Well, yes, or you could
partially cremate her
and then bury what's left.
- It's a bit like starting off
a jacket potato
in the microwave.
- Somebody's here.
- Right?
And?
- FBI.
- And do they have a name?
- Clint Foster.
(Jerry gagging)
- Sorry.
It must have been
something I ate.
- Sorry, who did you
say was here again?
- Clint Foster.
(Jerry gagging)
- Jerry, are you all right?
(Jerry gagging)
- Right, I have no
idea who that is.
Did he leave a message?
- No, he's in your office.
- My...
(Jerry gagging)
- Oh my god.
- [Chris] You did plant the
spy cam in Jerry's office?
- Yeah.
(computer beeps)
- Did you turn it on?
- I see you cropped me out
of our graduation photo.
- Did I?
What do you want, Clint?
- Well (grunts)...
- Oh, was that your bad toe?
- No.
Listen, I know this is awkward--
- Not as awkward as
you sitting on my desk.
- Jerry--
- Clinton?
- Jerry--
- Clint.
- Weenie--
- Clint.
- Jerry--
- Clint, what, just--
- We need to talk.
- No, you don't
tell me what to do.
First, get off my desk.
Stand, there you go.
Okay.
- And now I want
you to shut the door
and come inside your office.
- No, you know what,
we need to swap places.
One, two, three, swap.
Now get the fuck
out of my office!
- Jerry!
Jerry.
- Go on.
- Jerry, we need to talk.
- You get the hell
out of here, okay?
I never wanna see you again.
- What's going on?
- You wanna tell
her, Clint, huh?
You wanna explain to everyone
how you slept with my wife?
- Look, neither of us
meant for that to happen.
Oh yeah, what, did it
just fall in there, huh?
How many times, how many
times did you sleep with her?
- Jesus, Jerry, let's not do
this in front of everyone.
- No, I'm sure they
all wanna know anyway.
How many?
- Including last night?
- Mm-hm.
- Eight or nine hundred times.
- What?
Why?
Why, Clint?
- I don't know.
Because maybe I
haven't felt this way
about anybody since
Kimberly died.
- I don't even know who that is!
- Kimberly.
My first wife.
Got hit by a truck?
- Oh, Kimberly.
- Listen Jerry, why don't
you and I go find a place
where we can talk in private?
It's for your own good.
- No.
I'm not gonna grant
a divorce, Clint.
Screw Melissa, and screw you.
You and me are done.
- Is that why you
think I'm here?
The NSA have called your
case back into review.
I'm here to take you home.
The plane leaves tonight.
(Jerry gagging)
- Okay, so naturally, I have
a few things I'd like to say,
and I'm sure you have a
few questions of your own.
- Oh, absolutely tons.
- But for now, just in
the interest of time,
I'd appreciate if
you didn't interrupt.
So obviously you're aware
that I work for the NSA.
- Do you want me to
say even when I agree?
- Well, some indication that
you're alive would be nice.
- Sorry, yeah, of
course I know that.
Yeah.
- Anyway, you remember
how I also said
I was close to the president?
- Are you waiting
for me to respond?
- Yeah.
- No, I don't know.
- Well, I was.
- Nice.
- Now let's just
say I was approached
by a member of his
team to look into ways
in which I could
potentially influence
the results of the election,
purely from a cyber perspective.
- Did that actually happen then?
- Doesn't matter, but let's
just say a high-ranking figure
asked you to do the same.
What would you do?
- Oh, I wouldn't even
know where to start.
I struggle with Excel sometimes.
- Okay, sure, but put
yourself in my shoes.
You're someone at the
NSA who's been working
on this stuff for years.
You're at the top of your game.
You're kind of amazing--
- Yeah.
- Which is why you find
yourself on vacation
with this senator, who's
acting like you're best buds.
- Right, in which
case I would say,
"Listen, we're best buds, but
you know I work for the NSA.
"I'm not allowed
to talk about it."
- Well of course that's
what you're meant to say,
but now imagine you're in
this beautiful sushi bar.
- Oh, lovely.
- You've already consumed
several bottles of saki.
- Oh, hell.
- Tina Turner is in
one corner of the room.
- Why?
- It doesn't matter.
- Is she singing?
- She's asleep.
I'm just trying to
paint a picture here.
My point is there's
a world in which
you might share some highly
classified intel, right?
- Not if it'd undermine
national security, no.
- But what if you know it
would make your country
stronger, safer, more American?
- Isn't that virtual
treason, though?
- By whose definition?
- The legal definition.
- Then yeah.
- Aren't you worried about that?
- I am now.
- Well they can't
send you back, I mean,
what will I do all day?
(upbeat music)
- My point is there's a world
in which you might share
some highly-classified intel--
- Is it working now?
- Perfectly.
- Do you mind if I
stay at Dad's tonight?
- Yes, I do.
- Well, guys, unless
anyone knows how to avoid
an extradition order,
I guess this is it.
Clint's giving me 'til
the end of the day
to wrap everything up
and say my goodbyes.
- A shame you didn't get married
while you were over here?
- Why?
I could avoid extradition
if I'd married a Brit?
- I think so.
It's how Paddington avoided
being sent back to Peru.
I don't know, maybe it's
different for bears.
- Well, wait a minute,
couldn't we just pretend
that I married one of
you guys months ago
and forge the documents?
Tuva, would you--
- No.
What about Mary?
- Ooh, gosh, I'd love to.
It's just me and Quentin
have started, you know--
- No, it's okay, people
wouldn't have bought us
as a couple anyway, given
your whole, you know, face.
- Who else is there?
(upbeat music)
- What?
- Okay, we need to make
this absolutely bulletproof.
The NSA are gonna wanna
see witness testimonials,
marriage certificates,
wedding footage.
- What about your wife?
- Melissa.
Can you kill her off?
On paper, I mean.
- Sure, I can do that.
- Can it be crocodiles?
- Sure, I can do that.
- When do you want to
say that you got married?
- 9/11?
- No, it's gotta be
more recent than that.
- I just read a lot
of hotel wedding packages
were much cheaper that day.
- Hey, I don't wanna go cheap.
If we're gonna go through
with this, I wanna go all out.
- Great.
Hey, I won't get into
trouble with the NSA
for doing this, will I?
- Listen, this is
all on me, okay?
If you guys go down,
I'll be right behind you.
(upbeat music)
Okay, so for the
NSA to buy this,
they have to believe that
we are completely in love.
- Mm-hm.
- And that our love
for each other is so intense,
it would break your heart
if I left you, okay?
Are you comfortable with that?
- God, yeah, yeah.
- All right, let's do this.
Oh, take that off.
- Okay.
Do you wanna put it--
- No, no, just throw
it on the floor.
Great, smile, smile.
- Should I hold you like that?
- No, you don't need to.
- No?
- Smile.
- [Quentin] Okay.
Are you ready?
- We should be laughing
as we kind of go into it.
- Okay.
(both laughing)
- [Quentin] So how long have
you and Jerry been an item?
- Oh.
- Oh.
- God, well--
- Wow.
- Since the first
day he arrived.
I mean, it was like
being attacked by a bull.
- [Quentin] And did you
mind the age difference?
- Not really, no.
- Yeah, no.
No, I didn't.
- It was weird, no, no.
I mean, I think when you're
truly in love when someone,
you just don't
really see an age.
- Yeah.
- You know, even when
it's really quite big,
but yeah, occasionally
I'll wake up at night
and just be like, "Oh God,
you know, when I'm 70,
"he'll be, what, 130, 140?"
- We should probably move on.
- But I mean, the sex is...
- Is what?
- Don't talk about it?
- Yeah, I don't think
we should talk...
Let's not mention that.
- It's nothing, it's nothing.
- [Quentin] So are you and
Jerry living together now?
- We are.
- Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, we are.
- Thank goodness,
'cause there was a while there
that it was almost painful
that we were apart so much--
- It was a very difficult
24 hours, but, I mean, I'm
still living with my dad,
so it is quite tight, isn't it?
- Yep.
This smile, just, oh.
Sorry, for the edit,
maybe ask about kids.
- Yes.
- You know, like we've
been talking about kids.
- Okay, okay.
- I think it'll help the case.
- Do you like kids?
- I like kids.
We both like kids.
It's funny you
should ask, because--
- We have five kids.
- Oh.
You have five kids.
And how old?
- How old are they now?
- [Quentin] Yes.
- Well, they're, well...
- Uh...
- Five, four, three,
two, and one.
- Yeah, we're not gonna be
able to use any of that.
- Listen, I just wanna thank
you for your cooperation.
You could have made this a
whole lot more difficult.
- Any time.
- Don't take this the wrong way,
but we have a nickname for
you back in the states.
The iron curtain.
You're impenetrable.
- Why would I take
that the wrong way?
(upbeat music)
- I very much
enjoyed last night.
- Yes, me too.
- I'm just wondering if you
could check under your bed.
My external hard
drive's gone missing.
- I haven't seen it.
- It's very sensitive.
- Quinton, do you
have your camera?
- Yes.
- [Jerry] Okay, get ready.
- Are you sure this
is gonna be okay?
- It's the only suit we
had in your size, sorry.
- No, I'm not
supposed to see you.
It's bad luck.
- So should I just walk
in from the back, or--
- Yeah, do you have any music?
- I could sing something.
- Oh, well that's
up to the bride.
- Oh no, I'd love that.
- [Tuva] Cool.
- Okay.
- Let's do this.
(upbeat music)
(computer beeps)
(Tuva singing in
foreign language)
(Tuva singing in
foreign language)
(singing in foreign language)
Okay, I think we're good.
- Cool.
- It was beautiful.
- Joseph, repeat after me.
- Repeat after me.
- I do solemnly declare.
- I do solemnly declare.
- That I, Joseph Harries.
- That I, Joseph Harries.
- Just use your own voice.
Try it again, please.
- I do solemnly declare.
- I do solemnly declare.
- That I, Joseph Harries.
- That I...
- Joseph Harries.
- Joseph Harries.
- Know not of any
lawful impediment.
- Know not of any lawful...
- [All Three] Impediment.
- Impediment.
- Why I should not be married
to Jerry Apache Bernstein.
- Why I should not be married
to Jerry Apache Bernstein,
apart from the outstanding
extradition order,
but I'm sure we'll be able--
- Okay, we'll edit
that out later.
- Tuva, do you have the rings?
- What?
(Mary grunts)
- So I was a bit unsure
as to how this might work
out, but it's good to know
you know how to play
with the big boys.
- Well, it isn't all the
time we get to cooperate
alongside one of our
oldest and closest allies.
- You know, if you're
ever looking for a way
out of this shit hole,
we'd love someone
like you at the FBI.
You've certainly earned
your points with the NSA.
- Maybe now they'll
take us seriously.
- Oh, maybe.
(door beeps)
- Where is everyone?
- What do you mean
"Where is everyone"?
- I don't know.
(Chris sighs)
- Joseph Harries, with
this rings, I thee wed.
- Oh, lovely, thank you.
Take that.
- Jerry Apache Bernstein, with
this skull ring, I thee wed.
- Aw.
- Without further ado, it
gives me great pleasure
to pronounce you
partners in law.
- Oh, sorry.
(glass chatters)
Hey!
(everyone clapping)
(Joseph laughing)
- And now you can
kiss the bride.
- Oh, I don't think we...
Okay, I...
Okay, turn around, okay.
Chris, hey.
Sorry, we were just--
- Filming--
- Filming a short--
- Porno.
- Show reel.
A show reel.
- Yeah, I've got a buddy
in the adult film
industry who's looking
for a few dwarves
for his next project.
- Really?
Because what it looks like
is you're staging a wedding
in order to avoid
immediate extradition
to the United States,
where you're highly likely
to face charges of treason.
- Jerry, buddy, you really think
this is gonna make a difference?
Come on, we're leaving.
(upbeat music)
- Hang on.
I must say, I do
find it staggering
that the FBI and the
NSA should choose
to pin all this
on an individual.
Jerry is unequivocally one
of the most average officers
I've ever had the
pleasure of working with,
so to somehow imply that
he could have influenced
an entire election not only
insults my intelligence,
which in case you
haven't already figured,
is really quite high,
but also stinks of the NSA
looking for a scapegoat
to save its own skin.
We all make mistakes, all of us.
I once overcooked beef.
But although it may not
look it, we are only human,
and we live in
increasingly testing times,
so perhaps even people like
Jerry deserve a second chance,
just maybe not a third.
For now though, he
remains one of us,
my responsibility,
and I won't have him
suddenly taken away
from this shit hole,
particularly as I can have
this whole saga wrapped up
in so much red tape, that
before you're even allowed
to so much as look
at Jerry again,
everyone in this room will
have passed away, even Evelyn.
- Oh my God.
- They're gonna come
after you no matter what.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Whatever.
No.
Wow, Chris.
I didn't realize I was such
a valuable asset to GCHQ.
- Asset is one word for
it, leverage is another.
Imagine how much intel
the NSA might be willing
to give away if
we held on to you.
- Right, so I'm
kind of like ransom.
Well that's cool.
I mean, that's still
a compliment, right?
Right?
- Sorry, Chris,
can I just check,
do we still get time
off for our honeymoon?
(singing in foreign language)
- Hey, Chris!
No, no, drink that.
(group cheering)
(phone vibrating)
(bottles clinking)
(phone vibrating)
Yeah!
Woo, Chris!
(phone vibrating)
(group cheering)
(phone vibrating)
Don't do that!
(singing in foreign language)
(group chattering)
(singing in foreign language)
(group chattering)
(singing in foreign language)
(group chattering)
- Mary, we're doing shots.
- Mary, come do a shot!
Come do a shot.
* Hooray, hooray, hooray
* Misery's on the way
* There are bad times
just around the corner *
* There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky *
* It's clear as crystal
* From Bridlington to Bristol
* That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care *
* We'd better all learn the
lyrics of The Old Red Flag *
* But wait 'til we
drop down dead *
- Someone's actually trying
to access your file right now.
- He's hiding something,
I'm sure of it.
Were you disgraced at the NSA
and forced to take
the position here?
- No.
Mother...
(siren wailing)
Anyway, I'm taking
Melissa up the Orinoco
for her birthday,
so that'll be nice.
- Is it a surprise?
- I hope so.
(both laughing)
(phone beeps)
- [Barmaid] There you go.
- Oh no, I don't
think those are ours.
- Oh.
- Yeah, they are.
I ordered these, thank you.
- Jerry, I can't, I'm on duty.
- Dude, come on.
How often do we get to do this?
Huh?
- I'm just gonna
cut to the chase.
- Oh man, I love this track.
- Oh, yeah.
So anyway, as part of
my work at the FBI,
we've been investigating a few
of the officers at the NSA.
- Right, right.
Hey, do you wanna dance?
- No, not right now.
So we've just filed a report,
and I hate to do
this to you, buddy--
- You know what, whatever
you're about to say,
surely it can wait
three minutes.
- Jerry.
Jerry, please don't
make this more difficult
than it already is.
I've been asked to bring you in,
but I'm sure it's
just a formality.
- Man, I'm in the middle
of my dance here, come on!
- Jerry, whatever you did,
I'm sure the NSA
can strike a deal.
- Woo!
- Jerry.
- Yeah, you still got it.
- Okay.
- Yeah!
- Why don't we just go
pay for our drinks--
- Yeah, we'll just go.
(Clint laughing)
What, what?
- That's my gun.
- Yeah.
- That's my gun.
- Jerry.
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Jerry.
- Let's do this.
- Whoa.
- Woo hoo!
- Jerry, please.
Yep, yep.
- Nope, nope, nope, no, no.
No, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Jerry, no.
(gun bangs)
(people screaming)
(Clint screams)
Is this because I'm
sleeping with Melissa?!
- What?!
(radio chattering)
- Gosh, sorry I'm late.
I overslept.
- You look really well, Mary.
Did you have a nice weekend?
- Yes, Mum died.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh my God.
- No, it's actually quite nice.
I get to choose my own
clothes and everything.
- Well, if that's everything,
I've promised the foreign office
an update on the Karazamov file.
It seems like there
are now concerns
there may be a
mole here at GCHQ.
(upbeat music)
- What the fuck?!
- Fortunately, it's not for
any of you to worry about.
- Just to let you know, I might
be going on a little holiday
after I've made all of
Mom's funeral arrangements.
- And when is that?
- Oh, it was supposed
to be Wednesday,
but then there was
a mix up at church,
so now I've had to have it
back home for a few days.
- How are you storing her?
Because if it gets too
warm, she might explode.
- Mm.
- Oh, gosh.
Well, she's just in the
spare room at the minute,
because next door's
dog kept finding her.
- Fantastic.
Shall we crack on?
- Hey, let me know if you
want a hand with any of that.
My uncle used to run a
funeral parlor back at home.
- Really?
Wow.
- He actually invented
a number of techniques
for putting the body
into various shapes
when in the coffin.
Will it be an open casket?
- Possibly, yes.
- And will she be face up?
- Oh, I hope so.
- Yeah, 'cause he
used to do things
like have the person
waving, like...
Or beckoning you over.
Or like they were trying to
climb out, you know, like...
- Oh.
I was just wondering if it
might be easier to cremate her?
- Nice work.
- At home?
- Well, no.
With a ceremony and everything,
but I just thought
it could be quicker.
- Well, yes, or you could
partially cremate her
and then bury what's left.
- It's a bit like starting off
a jacket potato
in the microwave.
- Somebody's here.
- Right?
And?
- FBI.
- And do they have a name?
- Clint Foster.
(Jerry gagging)
- Sorry.
It must have been
something I ate.
- Sorry, who did you
say was here again?
- Clint Foster.
(Jerry gagging)
- Jerry, are you all right?
(Jerry gagging)
- Right, I have no
idea who that is.
Did he leave a message?
- No, he's in your office.
- My...
(Jerry gagging)
- Oh my god.
- [Chris] You did plant the
spy cam in Jerry's office?
- Yeah.
(computer beeps)
- Did you turn it on?
- I see you cropped me out
of our graduation photo.
- Did I?
What do you want, Clint?
- Well (grunts)...
- Oh, was that your bad toe?
- No.
Listen, I know this is awkward--
- Not as awkward as
you sitting on my desk.
- Jerry--
- Clinton?
- Jerry--
- Clint.
- Weenie--
- Clint.
- Jerry--
- Clint, what, just--
- We need to talk.
- No, you don't
tell me what to do.
First, get off my desk.
Stand, there you go.
Okay.
- And now I want
you to shut the door
and come inside your office.
- No, you know what,
we need to swap places.
One, two, three, swap.
Now get the fuck
out of my office!
- Jerry!
Jerry.
- Go on.
- Jerry, we need to talk.
- You get the hell
out of here, okay?
I never wanna see you again.
- What's going on?
- You wanna tell
her, Clint, huh?
You wanna explain to everyone
how you slept with my wife?
- Look, neither of us
meant for that to happen.
Oh yeah, what, did it
just fall in there, huh?
How many times, how many
times did you sleep with her?
- Jesus, Jerry, let's not do
this in front of everyone.
- No, I'm sure they
all wanna know anyway.
How many?
- Including last night?
- Mm-hm.
- Eight or nine hundred times.
- What?
Why?
Why, Clint?
- I don't know.
Because maybe I
haven't felt this way
about anybody since
Kimberly died.
- I don't even know who that is!
- Kimberly.
My first wife.
Got hit by a truck?
- Oh, Kimberly.
- Listen Jerry, why don't
you and I go find a place
where we can talk in private?
It's for your own good.
- No.
I'm not gonna grant
a divorce, Clint.
Screw Melissa, and screw you.
You and me are done.
- Is that why you
think I'm here?
The NSA have called your
case back into review.
I'm here to take you home.
The plane leaves tonight.
(Jerry gagging)
- Okay, so naturally, I have
a few things I'd like to say,
and I'm sure you have a
few questions of your own.
- Oh, absolutely tons.
- But for now, just in
the interest of time,
I'd appreciate if
you didn't interrupt.
So obviously you're aware
that I work for the NSA.
- Do you want me to
say even when I agree?
- Well, some indication that
you're alive would be nice.
- Sorry, yeah, of
course I know that.
Yeah.
- Anyway, you remember
how I also said
I was close to the president?
- Are you waiting
for me to respond?
- Yeah.
- No, I don't know.
- Well, I was.
- Nice.
- Now let's just
say I was approached
by a member of his
team to look into ways
in which I could
potentially influence
the results of the election,
purely from a cyber perspective.
- Did that actually happen then?
- Doesn't matter, but let's
just say a high-ranking figure
asked you to do the same.
What would you do?
- Oh, I wouldn't even
know where to start.
I struggle with Excel sometimes.
- Okay, sure, but put
yourself in my shoes.
You're someone at the
NSA who's been working
on this stuff for years.
You're at the top of your game.
You're kind of amazing--
- Yeah.
- Which is why you find
yourself on vacation
with this senator, who's
acting like you're best buds.
- Right, in which
case I would say,
"Listen, we're best buds, but
you know I work for the NSA.
"I'm not allowed
to talk about it."
- Well of course that's
what you're meant to say,
but now imagine you're in
this beautiful sushi bar.
- Oh, lovely.
- You've already consumed
several bottles of saki.
- Oh, hell.
- Tina Turner is in
one corner of the room.
- Why?
- It doesn't matter.
- Is she singing?
- She's asleep.
I'm just trying to
paint a picture here.
My point is there's
a world in which
you might share some highly
classified intel, right?
- Not if it'd undermine
national security, no.
- But what if you know it
would make your country
stronger, safer, more American?
- Isn't that virtual
treason, though?
- By whose definition?
- The legal definition.
- Then yeah.
- Aren't you worried about that?
- I am now.
- Well they can't
send you back, I mean,
what will I do all day?
(upbeat music)
- My point is there's a world
in which you might share
some highly-classified intel--
- Is it working now?
- Perfectly.
- Do you mind if I
stay at Dad's tonight?
- Yes, I do.
- Well, guys, unless
anyone knows how to avoid
an extradition order,
I guess this is it.
Clint's giving me 'til
the end of the day
to wrap everything up
and say my goodbyes.
- A shame you didn't get married
while you were over here?
- Why?
I could avoid extradition
if I'd married a Brit?
- I think so.
It's how Paddington avoided
being sent back to Peru.
I don't know, maybe it's
different for bears.
- Well, wait a minute,
couldn't we just pretend
that I married one of
you guys months ago
and forge the documents?
Tuva, would you--
- No.
What about Mary?
- Ooh, gosh, I'd love to.
It's just me and Quentin
have started, you know--
- No, it's okay, people
wouldn't have bought us
as a couple anyway, given
your whole, you know, face.
- Who else is there?
(upbeat music)
- What?
- Okay, we need to make
this absolutely bulletproof.
The NSA are gonna wanna
see witness testimonials,
marriage certificates,
wedding footage.
- What about your wife?
- Melissa.
Can you kill her off?
On paper, I mean.
- Sure, I can do that.
- Can it be crocodiles?
- Sure, I can do that.
- When do you want to
say that you got married?
- 9/11?
- No, it's gotta be
more recent than that.
- I just read a lot
of hotel wedding packages
were much cheaper that day.
- Hey, I don't wanna go cheap.
If we're gonna go through
with this, I wanna go all out.
- Great.
Hey, I won't get into
trouble with the NSA
for doing this, will I?
- Listen, this is
all on me, okay?
If you guys go down,
I'll be right behind you.
(upbeat music)
Okay, so for the
NSA to buy this,
they have to believe that
we are completely in love.
- Mm-hm.
- And that our love
for each other is so intense,
it would break your heart
if I left you, okay?
Are you comfortable with that?
- God, yeah, yeah.
- All right, let's do this.
Oh, take that off.
- Okay.
Do you wanna put it--
- No, no, just throw
it on the floor.
Great, smile, smile.
- Should I hold you like that?
- No, you don't need to.
- No?
- Smile.
- [Quentin] Okay.
Are you ready?
- We should be laughing
as we kind of go into it.
- Okay.
(both laughing)
- [Quentin] So how long have
you and Jerry been an item?
- Oh.
- Oh.
- God, well--
- Wow.
- Since the first
day he arrived.
I mean, it was like
being attacked by a bull.
- [Quentin] And did you
mind the age difference?
- Not really, no.
- Yeah, no.
No, I didn't.
- It was weird, no, no.
I mean, I think when you're
truly in love when someone,
you just don't
really see an age.
- Yeah.
- You know, even when
it's really quite big,
but yeah, occasionally
I'll wake up at night
and just be like, "Oh God,
you know, when I'm 70,
"he'll be, what, 130, 140?"
- We should probably move on.
- But I mean, the sex is...
- Is what?
- Don't talk about it?
- Yeah, I don't think
we should talk...
Let's not mention that.
- It's nothing, it's nothing.
- [Quentin] So are you and
Jerry living together now?
- We are.
- Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, we are.
- Thank goodness,
'cause there was a while there
that it was almost painful
that we were apart so much--
- It was a very difficult
24 hours, but, I mean, I'm
still living with my dad,
so it is quite tight, isn't it?
- Yep.
This smile, just, oh.
Sorry, for the edit,
maybe ask about kids.
- Yes.
- You know, like we've
been talking about kids.
- Okay, okay.
- I think it'll help the case.
- Do you like kids?
- I like kids.
We both like kids.
It's funny you
should ask, because--
- We have five kids.
- Oh.
You have five kids.
And how old?
- How old are they now?
- [Quentin] Yes.
- Well, they're, well...
- Uh...
- Five, four, three,
two, and one.
- Yeah, we're not gonna be
able to use any of that.
- Listen, I just wanna thank
you for your cooperation.
You could have made this a
whole lot more difficult.
- Any time.
- Don't take this the wrong way,
but we have a nickname for
you back in the states.
The iron curtain.
You're impenetrable.
- Why would I take
that the wrong way?
(upbeat music)
- I very much
enjoyed last night.
- Yes, me too.
- I'm just wondering if you
could check under your bed.
My external hard
drive's gone missing.
- I haven't seen it.
- It's very sensitive.
- Quinton, do you
have your camera?
- Yes.
- [Jerry] Okay, get ready.
- Are you sure this
is gonna be okay?
- It's the only suit we
had in your size, sorry.
- No, I'm not
supposed to see you.
It's bad luck.
- So should I just walk
in from the back, or--
- Yeah, do you have any music?
- I could sing something.
- Oh, well that's
up to the bride.
- Oh no, I'd love that.
- [Tuva] Cool.
- Okay.
- Let's do this.
(upbeat music)
(computer beeps)
(Tuva singing in
foreign language)
(Tuva singing in
foreign language)
(singing in foreign language)
Okay, I think we're good.
- Cool.
- It was beautiful.
- Joseph, repeat after me.
- Repeat after me.
- I do solemnly declare.
- I do solemnly declare.
- That I, Joseph Harries.
- That I, Joseph Harries.
- Just use your own voice.
Try it again, please.
- I do solemnly declare.
- I do solemnly declare.
- That I, Joseph Harries.
- That I...
- Joseph Harries.
- Joseph Harries.
- Know not of any
lawful impediment.
- Know not of any lawful...
- [All Three] Impediment.
- Impediment.
- Why I should not be married
to Jerry Apache Bernstein.
- Why I should not be married
to Jerry Apache Bernstein,
apart from the outstanding
extradition order,
but I'm sure we'll be able--
- Okay, we'll edit
that out later.
- Tuva, do you have the rings?
- What?
(Mary grunts)
- So I was a bit unsure
as to how this might work
out, but it's good to know
you know how to play
with the big boys.
- Well, it isn't all the
time we get to cooperate
alongside one of our
oldest and closest allies.
- You know, if you're
ever looking for a way
out of this shit hole,
we'd love someone
like you at the FBI.
You've certainly earned
your points with the NSA.
- Maybe now they'll
take us seriously.
- Oh, maybe.
(door beeps)
- Where is everyone?
- What do you mean
"Where is everyone"?
- I don't know.
(Chris sighs)
- Joseph Harries, with
this rings, I thee wed.
- Oh, lovely, thank you.
Take that.
- Jerry Apache Bernstein, with
this skull ring, I thee wed.
- Aw.
- Without further ado, it
gives me great pleasure
to pronounce you
partners in law.
- Oh, sorry.
(glass chatters)
Hey!
(everyone clapping)
(Joseph laughing)
- And now you can
kiss the bride.
- Oh, I don't think we...
Okay, I...
Okay, turn around, okay.
Chris, hey.
Sorry, we were just--
- Filming--
- Filming a short--
- Porno.
- Show reel.
A show reel.
- Yeah, I've got a buddy
in the adult film
industry who's looking
for a few dwarves
for his next project.
- Really?
Because what it looks like
is you're staging a wedding
in order to avoid
immediate extradition
to the United States,
where you're highly likely
to face charges of treason.
- Jerry, buddy, you really think
this is gonna make a difference?
Come on, we're leaving.
(upbeat music)
- Hang on.
I must say, I do
find it staggering
that the FBI and the
NSA should choose
to pin all this
on an individual.
Jerry is unequivocally one
of the most average officers
I've ever had the
pleasure of working with,
so to somehow imply that
he could have influenced
an entire election not only
insults my intelligence,
which in case you
haven't already figured,
is really quite high,
but also stinks of the NSA
looking for a scapegoat
to save its own skin.
We all make mistakes, all of us.
I once overcooked beef.
But although it may not
look it, we are only human,
and we live in
increasingly testing times,
so perhaps even people like
Jerry deserve a second chance,
just maybe not a third.
For now though, he
remains one of us,
my responsibility,
and I won't have him
suddenly taken away
from this shit hole,
particularly as I can have
this whole saga wrapped up
in so much red tape, that
before you're even allowed
to so much as look
at Jerry again,
everyone in this room will
have passed away, even Evelyn.
- Oh my God.
- They're gonna come
after you no matter what.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Whatever.
No.
Wow, Chris.
I didn't realize I was such
a valuable asset to GCHQ.
- Asset is one word for
it, leverage is another.
Imagine how much intel
the NSA might be willing
to give away if
we held on to you.
- Right, so I'm
kind of like ransom.
Well that's cool.
I mean, that's still
a compliment, right?
Right?
- Sorry, Chris,
can I just check,
do we still get time
off for our honeymoon?
(singing in foreign language)
- Hey, Chris!
No, no, drink that.
(group cheering)
(phone vibrating)
(bottles clinking)
(phone vibrating)
Yeah!
Woo, Chris!
(phone vibrating)
(group cheering)
(phone vibrating)
Don't do that!
(singing in foreign language)
(group chattering)
(singing in foreign language)
(group chattering)
(singing in foreign language)
(group chattering)
- Mary, we're doing shots.
- Mary, come do a shot!
Come do a shot.
* Hooray, hooray, hooray
* Misery's on the way
* There are bad times
just around the corner *
* There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky *
* It's clear as crystal
* From Bridlington to Bristol
* That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care *
* We'd better all learn the
lyrics of The Old Red Flag *
* But wait 'til we
drop down dead *