Intelligence (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

- Oh hi, Sally.

It's Mary.

Well, actually I was
wondering whether

we should take the Brownies
somewhere else this weekend.

Oh, no reason.

No, nothing to do with work.

Oh gosh.

Well, anywhere really.

(instrumental music)

Shetland?

(indistinct radio chatter)



(indistinct chatter)

- And in short, that's
why I have to sleep

completely naked.

- Well, that's good to know.

Okay, so just to
remind everyone,

we're still on Amber
alert following

the poisoned water attacks

that took place in
Paris over the weekend.

- How far is Paris?

- Aside from Paris, what
else is going on, Joseph?

Do we have a systems update?

- Yes, not great I'm afraid.

Tuva's already looking into
who might be behind it.

But we had an attack on one
of our own servers last night.



- Oh, fucking tense!

- I know.

- When exactly did it happen?

(alarm blaring)
- No!

- [Intercom] Attention please.

This is a test.

Please take no action.

- What on earth are you doing?

- Sorry.

I still get PTSD from
my time in Afghanistan.

- You never served
in Afghanistan.

- Yeah, I know.

But the drone footage I
saw was very realistic.

- How much data was compromised?

- Yeah, it may sound
insulting really.

Macedites from
the middle server.

They did manage to
capture a tiny bit

of Mary's internet
browsing history, sadly.

- Oh no.

- Please tell me none
of that was sensitive.

- No, apart from

I have been looking
online for a new bra.

- Really, what type?

- Just a brown one.

- Yeah baby.

- Found him.

This is our hacker.

(intense music)

- Fuck me.
- Oh my gosh.

- Gosh, what a dick.

- Sorry, Jerry, do you mind
using less bad language?

- Seriously?

- Shit is fine
thought, isn't it?

Now I say shit all the time.

- No you just talk shit.

There's a difference.

Oh yeah!

(laughter)

No, you have to let go.
- Sorry.

- This guy is good.

He once hacked the NSA database.

- NSA database, really?

You know maybe we should
bring this guy in.

Make him part of the team.

- Absolutely not.

- I'm serious.

I mean Tuva used to
be a hacker, right?

- I don't know if I
appreciate the term hacker

because I'm also a singer.

- The only reason Tuva is here

is because she made a bargaining
plea with the government

in exchange for some
highly sensitive intel.

Please don't say--

- It was about the
Brexit campaign.

- What that was about.

- My point is we should
keep our enemies close.

Surely we can agree on that.

Look, give me 48 hours with him.

If it doesn't work out,

I'm willing to take
the hit on this.

- Fine.

- Really?

- Why not?

I have complete faith in you.

- Ah, looks like I'm
finally rubbing you off

on me.

Finally--

- Rubbing off on you.

- Rubbing?

- Rubbing off on you.

- I'm finally--

- Yes.

- Rubbing off on you.
- Yes, that's the saying.

You're rubbing off on me.

- You wish.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, one final thing.

Barnaby Bailer will be
delivering his seminar

on the politics of
cyber security this week

to which you're all invited.

- Bailer?

The middle east attache?

I love that guy!

He and I used to make
these cupcakes together

when he was over for nine 11.

Who's running his
protection detail?

'Cause last time
got pretty rowdy.

- Oh, I'm sure his
people will run it

given his somewhat
contentious legacy.

- Well, I'll pop down
there just to be sure.

Know what I'm saying?

- I can't hear you.

- Just in case it
should come up,

I actually used to
date Barnaby Bailer.

- What the fuck?

- Jerry, please.

- When we were in
university together.

I don't suspect he'll
remember me, though.

It was all, you
know, very brief.

- What, like in a premature
ejaculation kind of way?

- Sorry, I really don't
know what that is.

- Well, I'm sure
Joseph can show you.

(laughing)

Well, what is it?

- Jerry?

- I don't know,
should we look it up?

- Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

(upbeat music)

- My contact at
the NSA has agreed

to let me view
Jerry's internal file.

Can you save it onto
the private server?

It's important.

- Sure, do you
want an ice cream?

- Did you get
anything I just said?

- No.

(indistinct chatter)

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah, I don't know where
Jerry got to, that's all.

Oh, he and I usually have
a coffee around this time.

Well, I'd bring him a coffee
and just watch him drink it.

- Thanks Mary.

(gasping)

- Oh, Quentin.

Hello.

Sorry, I picked up mom's glasses
by accident this morning.

- I thought you said
you couldn't see.

- Oh well, she can't at night.

- What are you up
to this evening?

- Well, I usually help mom
with her bath on Wednesdays.

- Let me know if I can
ever be of service.

- Oh, I don't think
mom would like that.

- She wouldn't know
if she can't see.

- She would know if there
were four hands in the bath.

- Yes.

Half an octopus.

- Yes.

- See you later.

- Okay.

- So I thought I'd start out

by giving you like a quick tour

and then I don't know.

Probably just hang
out, grab a drink.

Maybe some tail.

Guys, this is Tom.

He's the one that hacked
our server the other night.

- [Group] Hey Tom.

- Hi.

- This is Mary.

Mary's been with GCHQ
from the beginning.

- When was it founded, Mary?

- 1919.

- Right, so then.

- Well, not quite.

I'm actually a lot
younger than I look.

- Really, by how much?

- Gosh, no one's ever
asked me that before.

- Plus she's absolutely
filthy, you know what I mean?

The mouth on her.

- This is Tuva.

What'd you get up
to this weekend?

- Not much.

I just went to a club, got
with couple of salty jerks.

- Your accent's really fresh.

Who is not to use it?

- It's a mix.

So you hacked the GCHQ server?

- Yep.

- I don't know whether
to be impressed, annoyed

or aroused.

- Probably annoyed.

- Annoyed.
- Aroused.

- I could sell the
sprinters off if you like.

- Hey Tom, this is Joseph.

- Yeah I'm sorry, I'm Joseph.

How are you?

I'm actually
Jerry's best friend.

- PA.

- Sorry, no, you go.

- Colleague.

- Do you always dress like that?

- Yes, why?

- No, that's cool.

I was just wondering if it
was for a bet or something.

- I can't even tell
if he's joking.

- Are you joking?

(upbeat jazzy music)

- Do you work out?

'Cause your traps are amazing.

- No, just came out like this.

- Let me introduce
you to Christine.

She's like the scary
Mary Poppins of the team.

- He seems nice.

- I just think he finds me
a little bit intimidating,

which is a shame really.

(upbeat music)

- You know, he's
hiding something,

I'm sure of it.

- Our hands are tied, Chris.

Sorry.

Whitehall don't want us
digging around about Jerry.

- What's that noise?

Are you still on
the Anthrax case?

- Sort of.

Phantom of the Opera, Damascus.

It's just starting.

(beeping)

(techno beeping)

- Well hey, just
out of interest.

Is it possible for
someone like you

to hack into say, I don't know,

the NSA database?

Have a look around,
delete the odd file?

- You know someone's
actually trying

to access your file right now.

- What?

Oh, that's uh, yeah.

Can you abort that transfer?

Just for fun?

- Yeah, I can just do,

aborted.

(beeping)

(instrumental music)

Uh...

- What's happening?

- It's uploading again.

- What the?

- I could just permanently
delete the file.

- I would love to see
what that looks like.

(sniffs)

I love your cologne, by the way.

- I'm not wearing any.

- Still.

- [Man] Done.

(upbeat jazzy music)

Jerry.

- Yeah?

- Should I clean up
your browsing history?

- Yeah, please.

That would be great.

(knocking on door)

I'll be back.

Hey.

- Hey man.

I just wondered
if you would fancy

going to the canteen together.

I do know that curly
sausage you like.

- Oh man, I'd love
to but actually

Tom and I are going
out for T-bones later.

- Tonight?

Oh, 'cause I'm not
doing anything.

- You know, I look at this guy

and I can't help but
think about that saying,

you hang around with
chickens, you cluck.

You hang around with
eagles, you fly.

- Yeah, I know but the main
thing with eagles though

is that they all have
mental health problems.

- [Tom] All done.

- So when is actually--
- Excuse me.

Yeah, thank you.

(upbeat music)

Dude, seriously, how
do you stay in shape?

- Well, I used to be a gymnast

but I just got too big.

- Yeah, I know, me too.

So what kind of stuff?

I mean, can you
show me something?

- It's been a while.

- Come on man.

- I'm out of practice.

- Come on.

- Oh, hey guys.

Come on yeah!

- Okay, watch this.

(gasping)

- Oh!

Wow, what the fuck!

- That was great.

That was--

- Did you see that?
- Yeah, I did.

Well, I used to do that all the
time when I was in gym club.

- What, you were a gymnast?

- Oh, it was mostly
combat rolls,

that kind of thing.

- What's combat roll?

- Oh well, hang on let me just,

I just need a bit of space to...

Thank you.

It's sort of like,

get your leg over

sort of like this.

- You paid someone
to teach you that?

- Yeah.

- Isn't that just
a teddy bear roll?

- Yeah, combat roll.

But we used to practice a
lot more complicated stuff

in my bedroom.

- [Men] Like what?

- Oh, I can't really
demonstrate here

because it's not the space,

and it's not the height?

- For you?

- Come on.

- I just can't really.

I'm not warmed up.

- Joseph, Joseph,
Joseph, Joseph!

- Okay, okay!

- Joseph, Joseph, Joseph!

(indistinct shouting)

(screaming)

- You hungry?

- I could eat.

(laughing)

- Oh man!

(knocking on door)

Yeah?

- [Joseph] Hey.

- Hey, what the fuck?

Is everything okay?

- Yeah, why?

You know I got tased, right?

- No I know that,
but what are you,

what happened?

- Just fancied a change.

- What, from man to woman?

What'd you do to your hair?

- I wanted to make it blonde.

- No.

- No?

- No, that would never
work with someone

of your coloring.

And you end up
looking like a bee.

Buddy.

- So have you,

you're finished with Tom now.

Is he gone back,

where is he?

- He'll be in later
this afternoon.

We got totally shit
faced last night.

(giggling)

What's up?

- Oh, nothing.

- Wait, wait a minute.

Dude, is this because of Tom?

- (laughs) No.

- Listen, you need to relax

and just be your own man.

Okay, you do you.

That's the coolest
thing you could do.

- Yeah.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

Well yeah, just as long as

you and I get to--

- What?

- Well, you know, remain--

- Oh, what like this?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, no this
will never change.

- All right, thank you, good.

So what are you doing tonight?

Do you want to go out to
the cinema or something?

- No, I'm out again
tonight with Tom.

- So when was the last
time you saw Barnaby?

- Gosh, maybe 40 years ago now.

I still think about
him every day, though.

- Can I ask,

are you still a virgin?

- Oh, yes,

but only fairly recently.

- And when was the last
time you washed your wig?

- It's not a wig.

- Tommy, hey.

So listen, I was just
thinking of having

some birthday drinks.

- I can't, I'm sorry.

- No, it's not tonight.

Sorry, I should
have been clearer.

I know you and Jerry
got a thing tonight,

which is fine.

- No, I just mean in general.

I probably can't make it.

- Well, that's cool.

That's cool.

I'm not really flexible anyway.

I'm booked anyway 'cause yeah.

Just let me know.

- I am letting you know.

I can't make it.

- Well, let's not
rule anything out.

I mean it's not for
eight months, Tom.

- Okay, I want you guys here.

Here, here, here,
and here throughout.

Got it?

Also, I'm gonna
need you to clear

a little more space
over here just in case

I need to do karate.

I had a bodyguard buddy

who lost his job because
there wasn't enough space

for him to do karate
at a key moment.

All right, back up a bit.

Little more, little more.

(grunts)

Yeah, another two or three
feet, right over there.

- So, are there any areas
you'd like me to accentuate?

- Oh well.

The vicar at church,

he always says that I
have lovely cheek bones.

- My only worry is that if
I bring those out any more,

you're going to look like
a skull on a broomstick.

- Right.

- Cigarette?

- Yeah, all right.

- Go on ahead.

I'll have this one.

- You got a light?

- Are you still lighting
your cigarettes?

I just chew mine.

- Lips?

- Oh, yes please.

I'd really like him
to tight up lips.

- I'd go for bright pink.

If it's the first time
you've seen each other

in a while,

then you want your
lips to look like a,

cat's butt hole.

- Oh.

And do lots of men
find that attractive?

- No.

But, Barnaby will.

Let's start.

- Guest list.

(jazzy music)

No, the whole thing
needs to be redone.

If I can't pronounce
a last name,

I want them off the list.

Woo, ha, ha.

Good.

Good.

- Oh wow.

- Ow!

- Did you do that
piercing yourself?

- No,

I just slept awkwardly.

- I actually see a
bit of blood, though.

Are you coming?

- Oh no, I think me and Tom

are just gonna hang.

- Cool.

- No, where are you going?

- To the Barnaby Bailer thing.

- Barnaby Bailer's here?

Politician?

- Yeah, I know, what
a fucking nickhead.

- I should go.

Be fun.

- That's what I meant.

Be fun.

Should go.

- I need you in that corner.

Bailer!

- Hi.

- Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

We did nine 11 together.

Can I get you a little cupcake?

You fucking maniac?

- I'd love a glass
of milk, please.

- Right, can someone get
Barnaby a glass of milk?

- Hi, Barnaby.

Would you mind just
taking a quick pic

for our social media?

- No, of course not.

- Would you like me in it again?

- No, of course not.

- You know, let me do this.

I'm really good at
wildlife photography.

How do you?

Right.

Okay, one, two,

Chris, you may
wanna try to smile.

You know just imagine
there's been an attack

on U.S. soil.

Still no good.

Why don't we sex
this up a little.

Tom, leave that, come here!

Throw your arm
around Bailer, yeah.

Oh this is, yeah, this
is better right away.

Here we go.

- Sorry Jerry.

Hi, I'm Barnaby Joseph Harry.

I'm not sure if
your concerned about

having a natural mouth shape.

But if you say wagamama a lot,

it gives you a very kind of

honest look.

- Shall we try that?

One, two, three.

- [Group] Wagamama.

- I've actually
never been to one.

- Oh, it's really great.

The only thing is the
food always arrives

at different times.

- Why?

- No one knows.

- Chris, take a look at this.

I think it's terrific.

Evelyn looks rough.

- Oh hi, Barnaby.

How are you?

- Hi, I'm good, thanks.

- Mary Needham, we were
at Oxford together.

- St. Johns?

Right, are you the
one that had a stroke?

- Oh gosh, no.

It's just make up.

- Right, lovely
to see you again.

- I'm surprised you
even remember me.

- I don't remember you.

- Okay, shall we start?

- Yes.
- Great.

Everyone, we're gonna start.

- Just so you know
I'm gonna be up top

in case anyone tries to poof!

- Did you see where Tom went?

- Sh!

- Right, well, hello everyone.

Thanks so much for having me.

In an increasingly digital world

cooperation between
intelligence agencies

has become vital.

And never has politics
played such an important role

in how we view cyber security

as a society.

In 1997, I started
a very long journey

together with my wife, Samantha.

We moved into Downing Street

with a promise to the
people of Britain.

(alarm blaring)

- No wait, what, what, what!

(screaming)

- Okay, our friends
from Greenpeace in?

(laughing)

Sorry, anyways
onwards and upwards.

Good.

Either we treat hacking
offenses as serious crimes or

(beeping and screeching)

or face the consequences of...

Has someone hacked the system?

I expected better than
this, to be honest.

(pop music)

Excellent, now it's
all over Twitter.

Anyone know who's responsible?

- I must say I'm looking forward

to explaining to
Rupert which one of us

decided to invite a random
hacker into the building.

- Go ahead, there's nothing here

that says this was
the work of Tom.

- Let's get this sorted.

(monitor beeping)

- Could be a different Tom.

(loud pop music)
- Oh my God.

* This is Ground
Control to Major Tom *

* You've really made the grade

* And the papers want to
know whose shirts you wear *

- Wanna go get some T-bones?

- Yeah.

* Now it's time to leave
the capsule if you dare *

(slow guitar music)

(singing in foreign language)

- Very nice.

Cat bum.

- Oh, thank you.

(singing in foreign language)

* Hooray hooray hooray

* Misery is on the way

* There are bad times

* Just around the corner

* There are dark clouds

* Hurtling through the sky

* It's as clear as crystal

* From Bridlington to Bristol

* That we can't save democracy

* And we don't much care

* We better all
learn the merits *

* On the old red flag

* And wait till we
drop down dead *