Intelligence (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

- Mary, boardroom now.

Jerry, Joseph.

Quickly.

We haven't got long.

(percussion music)

Whenever you're
ready, gentlemen.

- So how's everyone doing, huh?

Are we all okay?

Wow, you're tight.

Chris, can we get some bagels
and maybe some pastries?

Also, I'd love a
little pot of honey



and some pasta arrabiata.

- Do you want another coffee?
- No, I'd better not.

- Okay, so first of all,

I would just like
to thank all of you

for staying through the night.

- No, I love it like this.

You know, some of
the best decisions

I've ever made were at night.

Let's do this.

I will have some coffee.

- Sit.

Okay, so as you are aware,

currently all key NHS
systems are down as a result

of what Tuva has identified
as a polymorphic virus.



Tuva.

- It's polymorphic virus.

- Thank you.

In short, we have detected
the destructive subsection

of malware which has infiltrated
the entire NHS network,

preventing all
doctors and nurses

from accessing patient
records across the country.

- Just as a little tip,

you might want to take a
breath every now and then.

So how big a deal is
this, I mean really?

- Huge.

Approximately one in three
Britons uses the NHS every day.

In five hours, it'll be chaos.

- Well, I mean, if
it's just three people,

I could probably
treat them myself.

- I said one in three.

- Even so.

Why are those same people
using the NHS every day?

See, that's the problem
with free health care.

Boom, mic drop.

(radio chatter)

- If this gets out,
there will be mass panic.

Mary, what's the
variance analysis?

- Well, there's good
news and bad news.

Which would you like first?

- I don't care.
- The good news.

No, you should always
deliver the good news first.

That way there's a
chance that the person

might not even
hear the bad news.

- I completely agree
with that, actually.

I was once singing Happy
Birthday at a friend's party

so loud no one even heard
that the building was on fire.

Is that what you meant?
- Nope.

- Nope.

- Mary, please continue.

We are on a ticking clock here.

- Okay, so the good
news is that the virus

is definitely running
from a single source,

and I've managed to narrow down

which codes we need to go
through to debug the system.

- How many?

Approximately?

- About 50,000?

- Right.

And the bad news?

- Wait, whoa, that
wasn't the bad news?

- Because the virus
is so unstable,

there's no way of us handling
the output digitally.

We're going to have to go
through all the entries by hand.

- What the fuck?

- Jerry.

- [Joseph] There's more.

- Right.

Chris, can you and I
have a word in private?

- No.

- Okay, then can everyone
please cover your ears?

- I'm not listening anyway.

- You know, you could tell
me if this is a drill.

- It's not a drill.

We don't run drills
through the night.

- With respect, isn't that
exactly what you'd say

if this were a drill, though?

- With respect, isn't it also

exactly what I would
say if it weren't?

- Sorry, you completely lost me.

- Sorry, is this a drill?

- It's not a drill.

It's not a drill.

- What?

- A drill!
- Sorry.

- I think it's a drill.

- [Chris] Okay, well, if
we're doing this by hand,

we'd better crack on.

- Surely it'd be quicker

to just go after
whoever's responsible

and disable the virus
from their own machine?

- MI-5 are already looking
into who may be behind this.

- Great, then we should
give them a hand.

- Apprehending the culprit
isn't our job, I'm afraid.

- You know that I'm
trained in profiling

and enhanced
interrogation, right?

- Even if we did use
those methods over here,

it's not our job.

Shall we make a start?

- Chris, seriously.

I mean, Joseph
and I have already

made excellent progress
honing in on a suspect.

And I mean from a
career point of view,

wouldn't it stand you in good
stead for a position at MI-5?

- What makes you think
I want to work at MI-5?

- Doesn't everyone here
want to work for MI-5?

I just assumed this place
was like a holding pen.

- You have two minutes
to convince me.

Go.
- Excellent.

Joseph, show her what we've got.

- Okay, so I have written a
program that, fingers crossed,

should be able to predict
whether the person

behind this cyber attack
is male or female.

what do you plan to do,
knock on each of their doors?

- It's what Santa does.

Sorry, that was a
joke, obviously,

just to take the edge off
how you're looking at me.

- What Joseph means is now
that we have a working program,

we could start to add in all
kinds of different parameters.

- Like what?

- Like whether the
person behind this

is a known cyber terrorist.

- Surely if we knew that,

we'd know if they
were male or female.

- Yeah, that was a bad example.

Sorry, I just really
need the loo as well.

- The point is, we're
gonna hone in on someone,

and for the record
I very much doubt

this is the work of a woman.

- Why?

- I don't know, I just have

really good instincts
about women.

For starters, why would
a woman hack the NHS?

Huh?

It's just not a very
womanly thing to do.

- The fact is, if
you're a woman,

you are far less likely
to be a terrorist.

- Thank you. See?

- Yeah, but we are not
making the same point here.

- I actually once got
stopped and searched

whilst wearing a hijab.

- Why were you wearing a hijab?

- I jut got it from
a charity shop.

I didn't actually
know what it was.

- Isn't that offensive?

- Oh gosh, sorry.

- Don't apologize to
me, apologize to Joseph.

- But why?

- Isn't that your area?

- I've never worn a hijab.

- Sorry.
- That's all right.

Ah.

Male.

- There you go, see?

I was right.

- Great, so we know the
person behind this is a man.

Go and tell MI-5.
- Right!

I see what you did there.

- Actually, no, there's a
confidence intel on that.

Okay, so there's a 40%
chance that it's a man.

- So it's 60%
chance it's a woman?

- No, that can't be right.

- Okay, great, so we're
looking for a woman now.

- Yeah, I think for
absolutely safety,

let's tell MI-5 we're looking
for either a woman or a man.

- Or why don't you stop wasting

mine and everyone else's time

and focus on something
more tangible.

Shall we?

- Look, Chris, if
this is a drill--

- It's not a drill!

Will you please
stop saying that?

- Why is this even happening?

I mean, don't these guys use,
what, anti-virus software?

- Joseph?

- What?

- Weren't you meant to be
assisting them with that?

After the 2018
NHS systems merge?

- Well, yeah, but they just

never responded to
my memos, so I just--

- I think part of the problem
with the way you write

is that people don't believe
it comes from a human.

- Okay.

- Surely you could've
just installed

the security plug-ins remotely.

That would have been
the next obvious step

if you knew that they were
making themselves vulnerable.

- I just couldn't think of
any new passwords, though,

so mine always end up
being the same one.

- Jesus.

- Mine always end
up being DameNew69.

- Well, don't be
surprised if this gets

called into review in
a few months' time.

- I don't know what
else to say, I--

- Well, maybe just
don't say anything.

Now can we please get on?

I'm meant to be briefing the
health secretary before dawn.

- Hello, everyone.

- Oh, fucking hell, what now?

- So HR have said that you all

need to stop what you're
doing and eat for 15 minutes.

- We don't have
time for Chinese.

Staff welfare is one thing,

but so are the lives of
countless individuals

up and down the country.

- Chris, don't you
have an appraisal soon?

- I'll have the pork balls.

- Can I just ask,
is this on TCHQ?

Because Mummy won't let
me carry any cash on me.

- Evelyn?

- I can't afford it.

- No, go and check with HR.

- Right, sure.

See you later, everybody.

- Is she usually that perky?

- Wouldn't you be too, if
you'd been asleep all day?

Now, for the love of God,
can we please get on?

- Yeah, come on,
let's do this, people!

I'll have the Chinese menu.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

(percussion music)

(snores)

(percussion music)

- Surely we've got
to be getting close.

How long have we been going?

- 20 minutes.

- What?

- Hey, guys.

HR have said everyone can have

up to 10 pounds of the takeaway.

- I'll just take the cash.

- How much?

- Is there sharing?

I can't eat fish
or seafood, sadly.

Otherwise my neck
really swells up.

- I'd love to see how
big it can get one day.

- Oh gosh, okay.

- Can I just get some
rice, please, Evelyn?

- What kind?

- Just cooked, thanks.

- And can I have
some water chestnuts?

- Mm-hm.

- And a big bag
in case I'm sick.

- Okay.

- You know what, I think
I'll just have the,

hello?

- Right, Mary, I'm
leaving you in charge.

- Wha?

- Oh gosh, really, are you sure?

- I'll only be
gone an hour or so.

- Just because last time

I was left fully in
charge of Guides,

it cost the parish over
40,000 pounds in damages.

- That sounds like
a great night.

- I know we're not technically
going around the room,

but just so I said it, you know,

I'm more than happy to
throw my hat in the ring

in a kind of
lead-from-the-very-back
kind of way.

No.

- Look, Chris, I get you
giving that responsibility

to the oldest
person in the room,

but wouldn't it make more
sense leaving me in charge?

- What, so you and Joseph

can get back to
your computer games?

No thanks.

- No, wait, wait, wait, come on.

Do you really think
I'm going to jeopardize

the lives of, how
did you put it,

countless individuals
up and down the country

just to prove to you
that my way is quicker?

Chris, please,
have a little faith

in my respect for your command.

- Fine.

Jerry's in charge.

Everyone keep doing
what you're doing.

Call me with any developments.

I'll be back before dawn.

- Okay, drop this
shit, let's go.

- Oh my God.

- Listen up.

My gut is telling
me we're looking

for someone who used
to work for the NHS.

Maybe a disgruntled
former employee.

Check that against anyone

with a strong background
in computer engineering.

- Yeah, yeah, on it.

- Tuva, talk to me.

- Why are you wearing a headset?

- It helps me focus.

Now come on, people,
let's do this.

We're on a clock here.

(percussion music)

- What does that say?

Mary.
- Yeah.

- Will you just
take a look at this?

- Anything?

- [Mary] No.

- What's the NHS stand for?

- National Health Service.

(percussion music)

(snores)

- You okay?

- Mm.

- Anything?

- [Joseph] No, nothing useful.

(mutters)

- Anything?
- Oh, God.

No, not yet.

Sorry, Jerry.
- Goddammit.

- So look, we
narrowed it down to,

that's 400 people, basically.

- What's the motive
for the crime?

Motive for the crime?

- Are you allowed to say that?

- You are my number one.

- Oh God, I can't wait to
get out of these old clothes.

- Me too.

- Oh gosh, Quentin.

Didn't know you were still here.

- I'm always here.

Some phrentic profiles for
cross-referencing purposes.

Nice to see you again.

Night-night.

- Night.

- There's a spare
bed in the basement.

In case you get sleepy.

- No, no, that's okay.

- [Joseph] Oh, golly gosh.

- Did you manage to
go to the toilet yet?

- No, I got about as
far as the second floor

and then I had to turn back.

It is so scary
with it being dark.

- Oh, I know.

I once saw the ghost of
Alan Turing in the car park.

- [Joseph] Really?

- Was he looking for a space?

- I've got something.

Okay, so one of the things
I've started to realize

is that it's much
easier doing this

when you have color photos.

- Gosh, that's a very
diverse bunch, isn't it?

- Thank you.

- I worry it's a
bit too diverse.

- Okay, so what I've done here

is assimilate all the
data from the program

along with Tuva's trace matches

and combined that
with an algorithm

that basically mimics
my own gut instincts.

Anyway, taking all
of that into account,

these are our top six suspects.

- You know two of these
are the same person?

- Yeah, it was a test.

You passed.

Anyone have a preference
as to which photo we use?

- Maybe the one
where he's smiling?

I know you shouldn't say it,

but I always think it must be

quite stressful
being a terrorist.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Oh, God, isn't that thingie
from the Doritos commercial?

- [All] Oh, yeah.

- Isn't he?

You know the one I mean?

- So no?

- We'd probably have to go
through his agent anyway.

- Who exactly are we
looking at here, then?

- Right.

So

my money is on Abdullah
blah blah blah.

- And he's a resident in the UK?

- Yeah.

I guess as much as Joseph
is resident in the UK.

- I am resident in the UK.

So, sorry, did he work
for the NHS as well, then?

- Yes, he's a
licensed chiropractor.

Which, as we all know,
is not a real thing.

So immediately I was
like, wah wah wah wah.

- What about Jenny Taylor?

She worked for the
NHS for 20 years,

was made redundant in
2017 after the cuts.

The following year
she lost her husband

when he was
accidentally prescribed

the wrong medication
for eczema, oh gosh,

plus she has a PhD
in computer science

and hasn't been seen for
the last three weeks.

- Well.

- Yeah, I don't know.

I keep being drawn back to
Abdullah for some reason.

- Isn't that Farouk al Hakshah?

- I don't know, depends
what you just said.

- That is Farouk.

But it won't be him.

He sadly blew his brains
out in prison in 2014.

- Right.

- Did he die?

- Okay, so this is great.

We're slowly narrowing
it down to Abdullah.

- Who is Margaret?

- I thought it could be her
too, but she's been sectioned.

- What, like cut up into pieces?

- No, committed?

- Even better.

Bye-bye, Maggie.

So I guess I was right.

Abdullah's our guy.

- But he doesn't have quite
as strong a motive as Jenny.

- Yeah, but look at him.

Does he really need one?

- Yeah, but motive's
your thing, right?

I mean, that's what
you've been saying,

it's all about motive.

- Wait a minute.

Are you guys honestly telling me

that behind the face of this
sweet, respectable white lady

is the monster
we're looking for?

Jesus!

- Oh my God.

When did she come in?

(clears throat)

- Please tell me this
isn't what it looks like.

- Why? What does it look like?

- That you've
undermined my authority,

putting your own ego ahead
of GCHQ procedure to pursue

an agenda fueled by ignorance
and racial prejudice?

- Maybe you're the racist
for assuming I'm racist

when Jenny here clearly has
the requisite background,

education, and motive
to hack the NHS.

Shame on you, Chris.

And you're welcome.

- Follow me.

Chop chop.

Specifically said carry on
doing exactly what you--

- [Jerry] You want
to do this now?

You want to do this now
when we could be catching--

- [Chris] Why not?

- [Jerry] Oh--

- [Chris] For God's sake.

- This is, this is crazy.

- Oh really?
- You need to focus.

- Oh, that's Yankee bullshit.

- Oh, come on, Chris.

We're always gonna have
a different approach.

We're like Han Solo
and Jabba the Hutt.

Anyway, it worked, right?

We have a suspect now.

- And what if you're wrong?

- Yeah, I don't think
that's physically possible.

But either way,
we're outta time.

- Yes.

Because of you!

- Listen, if this is because

we ended up honing
in on a woman,

believe me, I'm as
disappointed as you are.

But for right now all I need
is for you to turn a blind eye

so I can hack into
Jenny's home computer.

- No.

That's not how we
do things here.

(knocking on door)
What?

- Hi, update from Whitehall.

Both Chelsea Hospital
and Royal Holloway

are unable to proceed
with any surgery

and dozens admitted last night

are now in a critical
state because they haven't

been able to access
any medical records.

Also, I don't quite
know how to say this,

but the food's gonna
be another 30 minutes.

- Leave!

- Sorry.

- Do what you have to do.

But this conversation
never happened.

- Right.

Understood.

- Why are you winking?

- What do you mean?

No one's winking here.

- Can you stop winking?

- Okay, I'd appreciate,
as a general rule,

if you didn't say out loud
when I'm winking, okay?

Let's try that again.

- Absolutely not.

- Fine.

(percussion music)

How long before we know
if Jenny's our guy?

- It depends.
- On what?

- On whether you're
going to stop talking.

- [Mary] You okay?

Do you still need the toilet?

- Yeah, I tried
pushing really hard,

but now I just feel too guilty.

- Why?

- I don't know, just maybe
if I had done my job properly

none of this would
have happened.

- No, no, you can't
think like that.

That's like me feeling
guilty about the war in Iraq.

- You really think Christine
would give you a job

that was important
to national security?

- That's true.

Oh, what a gorgeous doggie.

- [Tuva] I'm in.

- Is it her?

- Not sure.

I can't find, yes, it's her.

- Yes! I knew it was her.

- Anything?

- It's her.

Let me see if I can
disable the virus.

- Come on, come on,
you got this, Tuva.

What do you guys do to
celebrate after a crisis?

- Move on to the next crisis.

- Because at the NSA we like

to set off a bunch of fireworks.

Although the CIA
recently asked us to stop

because it was becoming too
obvious whenever we got a lead.

- We've got that lovely central

grassy area which
would be perfect,

but HR said they've
seen hedgehogs mating.

- Let's put a pin in any

potential celebrations
for now, don't you think?

Come on, focus.

- Come on, Tuva.

- Come on, Tuva.
- You can do this.

- We're running out of time.

- My poor bum.

Can you feel it vibrate?

- Yes, I can.

(computer chiming)

- Huh.

- Oh, God.
- Well done.

- What did--
- I'm off to the toilet.

- Is that it?

Wait, wait, no, no, no,
hey, hey, come back here.

Come here, come here.

I know you Brits don't
touch, but come on.

Group hug, right now.

Bring it in.

Tuva! Tuva! Tuva! Tuva!

Yes, woo!

Okay, now lift me up.

Guys, I'm...

(percussion music)

Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

I'm waiting.

- What for?

- Come on, come on.

You can say it.

I did good, right?

It worked.

- Yes.

Despite breaking a hundred
different rules, you did good.

Well done.

- Thank you.

- Shame it was all
a drill, really.

- What?

You're kidding.

- Sorry.

Couldn't say.

Obvious reasons.

- Oh, fucking hell!

I said it was a drill,
like, three times!

Oh, fucking bullshit!

God...

Joseph!

- Yeah?
- It was a drill!

- What?
- Yeah! She lied!

- Sorry, it was a drill?

- Of course it wasn't.

Go back to sleep.

- [Jerry] That was dirty, man!

I mean, come...

(bell dinging)

You timing this?

- Yeah.

- [Jerry] Okay,
give her the shrimp.

- Ready?
- Yes.

- [Jerry] What's the biggest
your neck's ever got?

- [Joseph] And what does
the measurement say?

* Hurray, hurray, hurray

* Misery's on the way

* There are bad times
just around the corner *

* There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky *

* It's as clear as crystal

* From Bridlington to Bristol

* That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care *

* We'd better all learn the
lyrics of the old Red Flag *

* But wait till we
drop down dead *