Intelligence (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

(footsteps)

(upbeat drum music)

- Morning.

- Morning, all right?

(computer beeps)

(sips drink)

(Computer beeps fast)

(chime)

What does that mean?

(mouse clicks)

(computer chimes)



(mouse clicks)

(upbeat drum music)

(radio noises)

- Um, Evelyn, can I get
a hot squash please?

- Why is there a kid coming?

- Well, it's for me.

- So sorry I'm late,

the hotel I'm staying at
doesn't have a decent gym,

so I had to free run
it all the way here.

- Free run, what's that?

- Watch and learn babe.

(giggles)

- Do you have an
update on China?

- Actually, my buddy
at the NSA and I,



did some pretty
breathtaking work on that.

This is first rate intel,
my guy is the best.

- This is just taken
from Wikipedia.

- Right, you have that here?

Oh, can I get a protein shake?

- Yes would you
like lamb or beef?

- That'll be all thanks Evelyn.

- That reminds me,
who do I talk to

about switching hotels?

- Certainly not me,
certainly not now.

- Because I need a place

that serves organic
chicken breast like 24/7.

- Okay so, just
so that you know,

everyone at SIASEC will be
having to redo their APT tests

- [Woman] What really?

- Is that because I
accidentally deleted

the entire department's
personnel files

and all previous
aptitude scores?

- What do you think?

- Could it just be a coincidence

- You know this is actually

a perfect opportunity
for me to get

to know where everyone's at.

- As merely liaison
with the NSA ,

what makes you think you need
to know where everyone is at?

- Who knows what
I'm going to need to

liaise with them about, right?

Plus, we run aptitude
tests at the NSA like,

every few hours
just to make sure

we're all constantly
at the top of our game.

- And this will give
us a chance to see

if you're at the top of yours.

- What do you mean? I'm exempt.

- Why would you be exempt?

- Because I'm NSA

- I would say that's
even more reason

for you to take the test,
you're one of the team now,

so to speak.

- Maybe you and I should
talk about this privately.

I just don't wanna lower morale

by getting the highest score.

- I'm sure the team
will understand.

I presume you're aware it
involves a polygraph test?

- Huh.

- Chris, hypothetical question,

what would happen to someone
who's currently working

at GCHQ doing absolutely fine,

might've encountered a few
little hiccups along the way

but then doesn't end up faring

so well in this
next round of tests?

- I'd say you'd be fired.

- Oh, I wasn't talking about me.

- There's only so far we can
take positive discrimination,

I'm afraid.

- You know, I've never
really understood that.

- Oh, well it's when
someone who isn't white,

is actually really
good at what they do.

- That's not it.

- No, I get what it means,

I just don't see why we should

be discriminating on any level,

positive or negative,

look ultimately I just
want the best candidates

to win the best job.

- Thank you I agree.

- Why are you nodding?

- Regardless of whether
white black or your thing,

- Hello.

- You know, I'm two
percent native American,

bet you couldn't tell.

- I can always tell.

- Well, I mean, we were
all black once weren't we?

Oh, that's not racist, it's
just something mum says.

(radio static)

(drum music)

(people mumbling)

- Ah, great, is that my chicken?

- Yes, and I didn't
know what you liked

so I just got a mix of thighs
and a couple of big breasts.

- Did you do a background check?

- On the chicken?
- [Jerry] Yeah

- It's just a
rotisserie chicken.

- So we don't know
if it's organic?

- Not yet, no.

- Close the door.

Shut the blinds.

Sit down.

So I've been thinking
about these tests tomorrow.

- Oh God, me too,
hopefully they'll just

demote me if I get a bad score.

I don't think they'll
actually fire me.

- Is it even possible for
you to get demoted though?

I mean you're the
least paid here, right?

- What makes you say that?

- Listen, maybe we could
help each other out,

what if I was the one
overseeing the tests?

- Wait, you'd help me pass?

- Well I'd have to
take into account

just how bad your score was,

I wouldn't want it
to be too obvious.

- No, of course not.

Plus you know, sometimes
it's a good thing

for a certain person
in the group to fail

just so everyone gets to
see what that looks like.

- Yeah, no I can
get that, so what,

do you want me to
fail on purpose?

'cause I can easily do that.

- No definitely
not, all I mean is

if the titanic had successfully
crossed the Atlantic

to new york, do you really think

that film would've grossed
2.1 billion dollars

at the box office?

- I still don't know what
you mean, are you saying

that it sank on purpose?

- No, all I'm saying is that
you should stick with me,

and everything will be okay.

- Wow, that's true, but
that's what Scar says

in the Lion King isn't it,

and then it all goes tits up.

(chuckles)

So what, have upstairs
signed off on this then?

- Yes, kind of.

Who does Chris report to?

- Rupert

- Then no.

- All right, I can
sort you out then.

So, Rupert is on a plane,
but I should still be able

to patch you through.

- You know, I just need
one second to figure out

the best way to actually --
- Hello?

- Hello Rupert.

Hey, it's Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

- Jerry!

- [Jerry] Hello,

- Chris says you're
settling in well.

- Oh yeah, I'm having a --
- How are you find --

- Sorry, I'm having a --
- How are you --

- It's, I'm thrilled --
- How are you --

- No you go,

- [Rupert] Pardon?

- (laughs) I said I'm
thrilled, I'm thrilled,

- What?

- I think there's a delay,

can you fix that?
- Ouch.

- Yes I'm on a plane, I'm.

- [Jerry] No I see that.

Oh now you're frozen, it's
a good look, but your fro--

- [Joseph] Ow!

- [Rupert] Jerry,
Jerry just tell me,

how are you getting
along with Chris?

Do you know she has one
hell of a reputation?

- Does she, for sleeping around?

- No, for being good at her job.

- No, right of course,

I was just wondering if she
had some kind of condition,

because I usually vibe
with all types of women.

- Look, Jerry, we're
about to land in Syria,

- [Jerry] Oh you're
back, hello champagne,

do you mind if I conduct those,

what is it?

The SIASEC aptitude tests that
are scheduled for tomorrow?

- I didn't quite
catch any of that,

but I'm sure it'll be fine.

- That's great, great,
I was just saying that,

since I'll be running the
aptitude tests tomorrow,

which you just
verbally agreed to,

I'm just bummed, you know,

bummed that I won't be able
to take the test myself,

but I'll be sure to
let Christine know

of this conversation, okay?

- I think Tuesday.

- Sounds good, have a
lovely time in Syria.

(Static)

Yeah, I think we're --

- [Joseph] That was dead easy.

- Yeah.

(laughs)

Is he an alcoholic?

- Yes he is.

(static)

- [Rupert] Pardon?

Jerry?

I think you're frozen now.

- Chris I don't
know what to say,

Rupert and I were
just spit balling

about ways to freshen
up the test and Bam!

He put me in charge, I hope
you don't think it was my idea.

- If only it he was
reachable to verify that,

and you're exempt I presume?

- Well yeah, I mean, if I'm
gonna be overhauling the way

the tests are run, I don't
want to sway the results.

So, I think I'd like
to start by timing,

how quickly everyone
can get undressed

and then put all their
clothes back on again.

- To test aptitude?

- Yeah, also are you familiar
with the game "Sardines"?

(drum music)

- Okay, so what I
would like to do

is a quick polygraph test.

What's that piece of crap?

- It was just a backup,
prefer the older models.

Do you mind if I
touch your head?

- Whereabouts?

- Here and here

- Yes that's fine.

Ow, ow.

- What's the problem?

- I can't get these
to stick down,

there's too much hair.

- Well can't you
just take it off?

It's a wig right?

- No.

- I'm happy to shave an area,

- No that won't be necessary,
just hold them in place.

Not you.

- Oh, sorry.

Sorry if my fingers
are a bit smelly.

- Thank you, Quentin.

Okay, so Mary were
going to start by doing

just a couple of
trial questions.

So, what is your full name?

- Mary Fanny Nidam

- So I've added a slight US
vibe to your standard APT test.

Can you just start bouncing
up and down on that for me?

What's, no you put your
feet on that, on the bar.

Wait where are you going?

- Like that?

- What are you doing?

Okay so now I'm going
to call out ten numbers,

and I want you to
repeat them back to me

but in reverse order.

three, zero, 34, nine,
81, four, four again, 53,

nine and 528.

(Metal creaking)

- Are you even talking to me?
- Come on man!

Yes or no, would you
ever betray your country

for drug, money, or sex?

- Sex.

528,

nine,

three, four again, four

- 528,

nine,

53, four,

four, 81,

nine,

34, zero, three.

- Well, I'll have to make
sure that that's correct.

- It is.

(piano music)

- four,

320 --

(air horn)

( Joseph screams)

- Get up we're going again.

Did you vote for Brexit?

- I don't know, who is that?

- Ow, ow, Jesus Christ why
do you keep hitting me?

- I'm just testing
your reflexes.

What was the name
of your first pet?

- Wolf.

- That was the name
of your pet, wolf?

- Yeah

- What was your, was it a wolf?

- Yeah

- That's really cool.

- How do you think
I'm doing overall?

'cause I weirdly feel
I'm doing quite well.

- Ow!

- You know you can
try to hit me too.

- Okay

- Ow, what the fuck!

- Sorry

- Would you ever
sleep with a coworker?

- Oh my God, that's
so embarrassing.

Maybe I don't know
like an American?

- Sorry.

- Would you ever
sleep with a co --

- Yes, Mary.

- Oh fuck you!

Would you ever sleep
with a coworker?

- I just came to clean the room.

- What are you doing Friday?

Would you ever sleep
with a coworker?

- Of course not.

- So that's not what
the machine is saying.

Oh my God,

Is the person you
have feelings for --

- I don't have
feelings for anyone.

- In this room?

- This is a waste of time.

- Wha --

(screams)

- Sardines.

(drum music)

- Hmm, oh Chris.

- Of Course they used anthrax,

to kill off all the
rabbits in the 50's.

- That looks like my dad!

could that be any ordinary,

if you found out a
family member was--

- A terrorist.
- Terror I know.

- So what would you do if
they end up letting you go?

- Oh I'm sure I'll be fine,

well I've always had this dream

of becoming a trumpet teacher.

- Oh, that'd be nice.

- You play trumpet?

- Oh no, I'd have
to learn first.

Oh Jerry, Jerry, how did we
all do, are the results in?

- I'm still calculating
everyone's scores,

but Tuva, you should consider
coming to work for the NSA

with marks this high.

Mary, looks like you're safe.

- Do you still need
that urine sample?

- Oh God yes.

- Jerry, so do you want one
from Mary and I as well?

- Please don't just sit there,

go and find out
when Rupert's back.

- Sure I'll check with Pa.

- Check with who, sorry?

- Pa, is that not her name?

- His PA?

It's pronounced PA.

How can you not know that?

That's what you are!

Go away.

- Oh my God.

- You smell nice Jerry.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yes?

- Hey hun.
- Please don't call me that,

- So listen,

about earlier, I
just wondered whether

we should keep your
feelings for me secret.

- If there was anything
to keep secret,

and I assure you there isn't,

the last person I would trust
with that information is you.

- I understand why you
might want to deny it,

but just so you know
you're not the first.

- To deny it?

- At the NSA about
80% of the staff

are attracted to me,

and that's just the
people we know about.

- I'm not attracted
to you Jerry.

This isn't the war, British
women don't just drop their

bloomers for any GI spiv with
an accent and a Hershey bar.

- Well, that's not what your
biometric data is showing.

I'd hate for this to get
out and embarrass you.

- You and I both know those
machines are unreliable.

- I know of only two real cases

where a polygraph has
given false readings,

and in both cases,
they happened in films.

- Well there must be a mistake.

- Then why are you
so nervous around me?

Look at you.

- There is no way
I have feeling --

- A polygraph doesn't lie.

- Well there's only
one way to prove that.

You take it.

- (laughs) I have no problem
taking a polygraph, wait.

(drums music)

- So how did I do man,
do you still aren't able

to mark me up?

- I don't know, ill try

but your score was
really on the fence.

- Oh God, but which side?

- Okay listen so I
kind of painted myself

into a corner here, I
might need to cue you

at certain times in the testing,

just to pick --
- What do you mean?

- Well, it doesn't matter.

- What do you mean cue you?

- Shh

- What's Joseph doing here?

- Yeah I'd like an impartial
adjudicator on this,

someone who lacks the mental
capacity to skew the results.

- Fair enough, should
be fun, you're ready?

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, oh I have
a little twitch

that comes out once in a while,

it's nothing.

- Chris do you want me to
run through a few trial

questions first just to make
sure the equipment's working?

- [Christine] Yes.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah.

- So answering yes or no,
what is your favorite film?

- "The Greatest Showman"

- Have you ever taken
any illegal substances?

- No

There was one time, at the NSA

when I had to sniff
a work surface,

but it turned out the
entire work surface

was covered in crack.

- Yeah that seems
to be working fine.

- Great, should we begin?

- Hold on just let me.

(Heavy breathing)

- Yes.

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Two months ago,

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,

listen, I really
think it's only fair

if all the questions
come from Joseph.

- Okay, how many
legs have you got?

- No you don't have to
create the questions,

they just have to come from you.

To, to.

- Yeah.

What does that say?

- "Redacted"

- Okay, two months
ago GCHQ intercepted a

- Redacted.
- Redacted, Jesus.

- Sorry, file from
the oval office,

implying a coverup
within the NSA,

yes or no, were you
aware of such a coverup?

- No.

- It says lie.

- What the fuck?

I mean move on
that didn't count,

ask another question.

- What's a tampon?

- Not you, one of her --

- Sorry, "Despite
requesting upgraded access

to your internal file at
the NSA, it still comes up

as classified why?"

- Oh thank, I don't know.

- "However when speaking
with several senior figures

at the NSA It seems
your move over to GCHQ

was more to do with damage
control, why might that be?"

- Can we take a break?

- Yeah.
- No.

- I think I might
sneeze, actually,

and I don't want it
to affect the test.

- Fine, I'll wait.

(cymbal drum music)

- I might be a minute.

(phone vibrates)

- What Evelyn?

Why are you and Esther.

- Put this on your thumb.
- What's that about?

- Take it, put it on
your fucking thumb.

- No I don't wanna be a part --

- Hey do you want me to
say you passed the test?

- Did I not pass?

- Are you kidding?

Take this, put it on
your fucking thumb.

- [Christine] This
is ridiculous.

- I agree

- Let's just get on with this.

Answering yes or no, were
you disgraced at the NSA

and forced to take
the position here?

- No

sorry I.

- No

- Have you always
had two heartbeats?

- Yes, I had a twin
but I absorbed him.

- Oh for God's sake, Joseph
leave the room please.

- That's hardly fair.

- Joseph, go, now.

- What do you want me to do?

- (mumbles) Don't give it to
me, don't hand it to, don't --

(Joseph mumbles)

what is this?

- Just get out!

- Get out sir!

- I'm sorry.

(cymbal drums music)

- Let's, try that again.

Answering yes or no,

were you dis --

were you disgraced at the N --

were you disgraced at the NSA

and forced to take
the position here?

- No

Mother fu --

- Okay so, this is obviously
not an ideal situation,

for either of us.

- Mm-mh.

On the other hand, this
equipment is notorious

for acting up.

Isn't it?

- Mm-hmm.

- Maybe I should ask
Rupert to take another look

at this when we're
not so stretched?

- I think that,

is a great idea.

Just between us,

I was right huh?

You do have feelings for me.

- I guess we'll never know.

- I promise you I
wasn't ear wigging,

but just to be clear
are we writing off

the whole set of tests?

- Yes it would seem so.

You're off the hook,

for now.

- Hallelujah, (chuckles)

for now.

- So in love with me.

- Really?

- It's sad.

(upbeat music)

(Muna knocking)

- Oh, Muna.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Just came around
to empty the bin.

- Oh no, no let me.

- Its okay I'll --
- No let me, okay.

Sorry. (chuckles)

- Sorry.

* There's a bad pie
just around the corner *

* There's a dark cloud
patching through the skies *

* It's as clear as crystal

* From Brislington to Bristol

* That we can't save democracy

* And we don't much care

* We better all run the
merits or beyond that flag *

* But wait till we
drop down dead *