Inside Amy Schumer (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode #5.1 - full transcript
- I have psoriasis,
and it's tough.
It leaves me struggling
to do the things I love.
So I talked to my doctor,
and he prescribed Flatuda.
Flatuda is clinically proven
to control moderate
to severe psoriasis,
so I can get back to
doing what I love.
For you.
I made that.
- Oh.
Oh, wow.
Thank you, hon.
- You like it?
- I love it.
- In clinical studies,
Flatuda was proven
to reduce psoriasis
twice as fast as the
leading medication.
You know, I've been thinking
about quitting being a judge
and opening a pottery shop.
- Yeah.
- Flatuda let me get
back to living my life
so I can focus on what matters.
Morning, honey.
- Morning.
Did you already have
your coffee today?
- Yeah.
- What did you drink it out of?
- Hmm?
- What did you drink
your coffee out of?
- Oh, I, uh, I don't remember.
- Did you drink it out of this?
- Uh, yeah, I guess so.
- You guess so? Okay.
And, uh...
what about this?
- Hmm?
- Were you planning
on using the mug
that I made you?
- Yes, of course.
- When?
- Soon.
- How soon?
- Tomorrow, if not later today.
Your skin looks great.
- So lemme just see if I
have this right, Michael.
You woke up this
morning, came down,
made a big pot of hot coffee.
And instead of using this
mug your wife made you,
which is right next
to the coffee maker,
you walked all the way down
to the other side of the kitchen
and went in the cabinet to get
to the mugs all the way there?
Am I following?
- Yeah, I guess so.
I don't know. It was
early. I'm tired.
It was 1:30 p.m.
- Amy, I love the
mug you gave me.
- What do you love about it?
- What... what do you mean?
- What do you mean,
"What do I mean?"
What do you love about it?
- Mom!
- Cool it, Hannah.
- Well, I love all
of the little bumps
and I love that it's
shiny in some parts
and then not in others.
I think that's cool.
- And I like that.
- Yeah?
You like that, Mike?
- Mom, look.
I drew a picture of our family.
Happy.
- Oh, honey.
That is so good.
- I'm really not seeing it.
- What?
- Looks nothing like us.
You don't even have that hat.
And we're not
wearing any clothes.
That's disgusting.
It sucks. Do it again.
- Mom, you're scaring me.
- Shut the fuck up, Hannah.
- Okay, look.
Having a beautiful, lovely drink
out of this wonderful mug!
- Good!
- Mmm.
Wow, that's so nice...
- Isn't it?
- The way it sort
of hits my lip.
- I'm so glad you like it.
- Feels so good
to drink out of.
- Yeah! If you...
- Are you fucking happy?
- Yeah, yeah!
I'm so fucking happy now!
- Go get my Flatuda.
I'm sorry I yelled.
- I'm sorry.
I love you so
much. I love you.
- Talk to your doctor
about Flatuda today.
May cause delusions
about artistic ability.
- So this mug is the
prop from that scene,
which is the most exciting
prop I've ever held.
And it sort of looks like if
vomit got run over by a car.
It feels awful to hold.
The only thing my therapist
said I'm lacking is empathy.
- Oh, well, same.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Same.
- Mmm, guys, I
actually love the rain.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's so nice
to sometimes just be, like,
inside, warm and cozy,
you know?
- Oh, my God, exactly.
And can we just
stop and acknowledge
how incredible it is that
we're all here together,
just be here, be present,
breathe, gratitude?
- Oh, did I not tell you?
I'm always really present now.
I started about six
months ago, so...
- Wow.
- Good for you.
Gratitude.
- Brianna, can I just say,
your skin looks amazing.
- Aww, that's because it is.
Thank you for my skin.
Thank you for my voice.
Oh, here I go.
- Well, you give
that gratitude, girl.
It feels so good, right?
- It does.
- Yeah.
But really, have
you changed products
or maybe a little
something else?
If you know what
I mean.
I mean, I would never
get anything done,
but, you know,
like, no judgments.
- I mean, this is a safe space.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- You can tell us.
- You can.
- I'm not gonna touch anything
on my God-given face or body,
but you do you, girl.
- Guys, no way.
Honestly, no way.
I am au naturel and filled
to the brim with gratitude.
Truly. That's what you see.
It's just gratitude.
- Oh, bubbling
over with nonstop,
balls-to-the-wall gratitude.
No question. Yes.
- Same. Like, gratitude.
- Yes! Yes.
- Same.
- Exactly, so I got something
called the See-through
Smart Laser.
It just burns off the very
top layer of the dermis.
It's, like, not
even a legal laser
because it's so light.
'Cause, like, I'm just
gonna gracefully rock
into my old age with
God's plan up there.
Like, whoever she is,
I'm sticking with it, you know?
- Same. Same.
- Honestly, same.
- Literally same.
- That's why I
felt so comfortable
getting these eyelash
and hair extensions,
because I'm not changing
Goddess' work at all.
I'm just adding to it.
Like, I love me.
I just wanted to add more
of me to me, you know?
- Yes, and that is
the exact reason
I got my calf implants.
Gratitude!
- Grat.
- Grats.
- Gratitude, gratitude,
gratitude.
- Gra-tat-tat.
- And your calves look sick.
- What?
- Have you been getting steps?
Oh, my God, no.
- Yes!
- Actually, I didn't tell you?
- No.
- Oh, my God. Did I tell you?
- No!
- Did I tell you?
- No.
- Okay, well, I've found
that for me and
listening to my body
that walking wasn't right, and
I can only be fully present
and fully in gratitude
if I'm completely still.
Which is also why
it was so easy for me
to start getting Coldform.
- Wait, that's when
they blast your fat
with a big
MRI-machine-looking thing,
right, until your body
gets frostbitten and dies?
- Correct.
Yes, and on my pets' lives,
I would never get any work done.
- No, thank you.
- But that wasn't something
that I was willing to miss.
Gratitude.
- Gratitude.
Well, I would get that done too.
I mean, you look great.
- Aww.
- But you know, I just
feel like if I start,
I'm not gonna stop.
- Same.
- Samesies.
- Same, you guys.
- Same.
- Same?
- Same.
- Same?
- Same.
- Same.
- Same, same, same, same.
- Same, same, same.
- Same, same, same.
- So for me, it's,
you know, no work.
I'm just really grateful for
the gifts I've been given.
- Like, the same.
- So what I got was called
Fat Suck, Fat Blow.
It's where they
take your own fat
from unwanted places,
and they stick it back in to
places where it should be.
I just thought, "I am
giving me back to me.
And that... that's gratitude."
- Yes, it is.
- Gratitude.
- Yes, it is.
- I'd be jealous
if I wasn't so grateful.
- You look amazing.
- And what about you, Court?
What have you been doin'?
- Yes, bitch.
- Meditation?
- Well...
- Courtney, it doesn't actually
sound like you're in
gratitude right now.
- No, no, no. I... I am. I am.
- That's just not what it's
really seeming like, Courtney.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Courtney, I don't wanna pile
on, but I don't even think
you're present right now.
- You guys, come on.
- Really?
- You guys know I'm present.
- Really?
- I'm present, you guys.
- Courtney?
- I am fucking present, Amy.
Fuck you.
- Okay.
- Well, good!
- Gratitude to the sky.
- Gratitude!
- Good! Gratitude.
- 100P grat.
- Hey, do you guys wanna
go to Haiti this weekend
on my private jet and get
our faces and bodies made
into Lily Collins'
face and body?
- Um, yes.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Gratitude.
- Gratitude!
Gratitude.
- Yeah, Amy wanted
me in that scene,
but I told her a Black
woman ain't that stupid.
- Noelle Christensen
is a big-city bigwig.
- And this year, profits are...
- With the career
she always wanted.
But sometimes, life
gets in the way.
Hey, Amy.
- Hey, big shot
workaholic little sis.
We can't wait
to see you this weekend
at the town's holiday festival
that we do every year.
- Yeah, about that...
Listen, we are so...
- Slammed at the office
because of end-of-year accounts?
You tried that last year,
okay, and the year before.
Look, Noelle,
I know our hometown has
never been your thing,
but it's Christmastime, and
everyone's looking forward
to seeing workaholic
big-city Noelle,
my little sister
who's younger than me,
that's you.
Christmas, girl!
It's Christmas!
- Watch it, lady.
- Hey, you big jerk.
- Noelle?
- Finley?
- Last time I saw you, you
were breaking up with me
at graduation to
move to the big city
to become a skyscraper jockey.
- If you mean managing a
Fortune 200 hedge fund,
then yes, I did.
And you sell Christmas trees?
- Is something wrong
with that, Broadway?
- No, I just...
I remember you saying you wanted
to become a talented painter.
- Yeah, well.
Garlandton ain't a place
where dreams come true, is it?
My dad's brother's friend got
sick and we lost the farm.
- Anyway, enjoy your cell phone.
Lil sis,
can you please peel yourself
from your spreadsheets
and help me with
these baking sheets?
You used
to love making
our special Christmas cookies.
Right?
Uh-oh.
This calls for... I think
you need a little flour.
Uh, uh, uh.
Oh!
Ah!
Finley, come in.
I felt bad about before.
- And I know this place's
old heater ain't so great,
so I thought I'd drop
off some firewood.
Or have you been in
the city too long
to remember how to
get a fire going?
You got an app for that,
city slicker?
- An app for what?
Okay.
Well, okay, I'm gonna
leave my workaholic
lil sis to have some privacy
with her hot capable
ex from high school
that may have been
the one that got away.
- You know, I still
paint a little.
Mostly landscapes
around Garlandton.
It's a special place if
you really look at it.
- I'm beginning to see
that more and more.
- This Christmas...
- Noelle.
I thought you were heading
back to your big city.
- You know, I was, but this town
is just so magical, especially
during the holidays.
- Hallmark presents...
- It makes me remember
what really matters.
- Like all lives.
- You know, I'm not sure
why I ever lef...
I'm sorry. What did you say?
- All lives matter.
- Lock her up, lock her up.
Christmas!
And that's why I left.
All right, I'm out.
- But my artwork.
- I'm good.
- "The Last Noelle."
- It's Trump!
- You left...
- He's the best.
- For a reason.
- Christmas!
- I had to take so many
showers after shooting this,
and I've played a
lot of pieces of shit
on this show over the years.
Colorado.
Come for the fresh air,
the perfect mountains' majesty,
a magical night
under a magical sky.
Whatever kind of experience
you're looking for,
you can find it
here in Colorado.
But we're more than just
beautiful wilderness.
We also have
bustling town centers
and access to all the
services you may need.
Mmm, all as legal
as a fresh mug of hot
cocoa is refreshing.
- Visiting here was
on our bucket list
of things to do before we die,
which honestly, I might have
if I hadn't been able
to visit Colorado.
- Not that you need
some big dramatic reason
to come to Colorado.
No one should have to
justify a trip to Colorado.
Maybe you just wanna
do with your own body
what you wanna do
with your own body.
And if that's...
Come to Colorado.
That's all right by us.
- My employer actually paid
for my trip to Colorado.
They covered travel
and time off.
I mean, I did have to get HR
involved in my personal life,
which is obviously not ideal
and they didn't cover childcare
while I was out of
town, but still.
I'm grateful for
access to Colorado.
- Colorado is more centrally
located than you think,
especially if you're
coming from, say, Utah,
Arizona, Wyoming,
Nebraska, or Oklahoma.
Actually, if you're
coming from Missouri,
or Nebraska, or even Iowa,
don't forget, Illinois
is another great option.
But we'd prefer you
come see us in Colorado.
But seriously, do what
you need to do, girl.
- I came to Colorado from Texas.
As a last resort, I could
have gone to a city in Texas
that has a super chill DA,
if you know what I mean.
But why risk it?
- So why not? Come
say hi to Colorado.
There are even organizations
that will help you get
to Colorado and
experience Colorado
and recover from Colorado
as discreetly as you please.
For more information,
open your browser,
click Private Browsing,
or better yet,
subscribe to an encrypted
VPN internet provider
and check out these sites,
before deleting
your search history,
just to be sure.
Heads-up, these offers may
be for a limited time only
because holy fucking shit!
Colorado!
- What?
- I know.
- Okay, baby Tigers!
I am so psyched to welcome you
to the Midwest State University,
but particularly
to the third floor
of Harrison House Dorm!
Yes, as your orientation guide
and resident advisor,
I'll be your go-to Tiger.
I'll help you in any way I can,
even if it's just French
braiding your hair
while you cry about
missing your family dog.
- Can you do a fishtail braid?
- Maybe.
Did Midwest State give
us a bunch of free swag
to give out?
Grab a bag, y'all!
Let's see. We've got
some Tigers T-shirts,
a water bottle for
definitely just water,
not diet White Claw, wink wink.
Your meal card,
a pre-charged portable
phone charger, mace.
What else?
- I'm sorry. Did you say mace?
- Is there something
wrong with that?
What, are you, like,
macist or something?
All aboard the
Don't Rape Me Train.
Let me hear you blow.
Check those bags
for these, honey.
That's the sound of
a woman in trouble.
Though notice no one
from the university
coming to check out that
noise because the school
doesn't actually
do squat.
Ooh, a cute
lanyard for your dorm keys.
We all know how to hold
our keys, right, right?
Check out my little
Wolverines. Amazing.
- Is anyone else scared?
- Can you do a braid that
wraps around your head
like a Victorian maid?
- Maybe no more braid questions?
Oh, okay. Ooh! Another
extra phone charger.
Keep your fucking phone charged
and the charger charged.
I am not kidding.
You need to make sure
you have evidence.
- Of what?
- Here's a brochure
for our women's services,
where the only thing
they actually do
is make you take
a pregnancy test.
- Inside the brochure
is just a coupon
for one free karate lesson?
I love karate.
Hi-ya. Like Miss
Piggy. Girlboss.
Which reminds me,
we all know the importance
of a safeword, right? Yeah?
At Midwest State University,
the safeword is "Go, Tigers."
Let me hear you say
it. - Go, Tigers!
- Anyway, that's just
your starter safeword.
Feel free to change it.
Your safeword can
be anything you want
as long as you realize
you're not actually safe here
or at most colleges.
Gum?
- I wanna go home.
- And I know that y'all know
that you're more likely
to know your attacker,
so maybe just don't know anyone.
And if you do insist on dating,
I'd find someone who
isn't good at sports
or connected to wealth or
power or friends or parents.
- Okay, cool. What's this?
Like, a list of course
recommendations?
- Oh, yeah, those
are courses to avoid
because the professors
are all ped...
Did you gals try the gum yet?
It tastes like Gatorade, right?
- It's so good, yeah.
- So good.
Yeah, it's sugar-free because
your body is a temple,
but also a target.
Look, I know you're
probably like,
"Why do we have to do all this?
"Why can't the school
just teach guys
not to assault?"
Sorry, sorry.
"Or hold 'em responsible
when they do?"
I could not get through
that with a straight face.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna call my mom.
- Ooh, a gift certificate.
- Oh, yeah! Okay.
That is redeemable
for three textbooks
at the bookstore or a bus ticket
to the closest state
where abortions are legal.
Can you do cornrows?
God damn it.
Every woman for themselves!
Check your bags!
- That scene is a huge bummer.
I pitched it to Sascha,
who's still in college,
so it must be an even
bigger bummer to her.
- College orientation
is basically just
"Welcome to college. You're
about to be assaulted."
It's really dark.
- I met our writer Ron Weiner
when I was on an episode
of "30 Rock" he wrote
a million years ago that
I was mostly cut out of.
- Yeah, Amy actually kind
of got herself cut out
because she ad-libbed
a lot of lines,
which got me really
furious, actually.
But later on, we became friends,
and I ended up
emailing her these MP3s
of these really kind of,
like, dorky comedy songs
that I used to write.
- I love Ron's songs,
and I wanted them
to be on our show,
so here's Ron.
Would you like fries
with that pizza?
- I'd like the Happy
Meal with pizza.
Life's amazing, all around you.
Normal items, hidden secrets.
- Keep alive your
childish wonder.
- I swear, whenever
we're about to roll,
my vagina itches.
- I don't know what that is.
- It's chlamydia.
- Oh. I need a stretcher.
- Here we go. Cameras set?
- Yep.
- And tomorrow for Friday
we got everybody...
We got a drug
truck for the crew.
Yeah, you're welcome.
- Stop doing your
Chihuahua noise.
Go to your room!
Wait, go to my room
and get my Flatuda.
- Go to your mom's room.
- It's so easy.
and it's tough.
It leaves me struggling
to do the things I love.
So I talked to my doctor,
and he prescribed Flatuda.
Flatuda is clinically proven
to control moderate
to severe psoriasis,
so I can get back to
doing what I love.
For you.
I made that.
- Oh.
Oh, wow.
Thank you, hon.
- You like it?
- I love it.
- In clinical studies,
Flatuda was proven
to reduce psoriasis
twice as fast as the
leading medication.
You know, I've been thinking
about quitting being a judge
and opening a pottery shop.
- Yeah.
- Flatuda let me get
back to living my life
so I can focus on what matters.
Morning, honey.
- Morning.
Did you already have
your coffee today?
- Yeah.
- What did you drink it out of?
- Hmm?
- What did you drink
your coffee out of?
- Oh, I, uh, I don't remember.
- Did you drink it out of this?
- Uh, yeah, I guess so.
- You guess so? Okay.
And, uh...
what about this?
- Hmm?
- Were you planning
on using the mug
that I made you?
- Yes, of course.
- When?
- Soon.
- How soon?
- Tomorrow, if not later today.
Your skin looks great.
- So lemme just see if I
have this right, Michael.
You woke up this
morning, came down,
made a big pot of hot coffee.
And instead of using this
mug your wife made you,
which is right next
to the coffee maker,
you walked all the way down
to the other side of the kitchen
and went in the cabinet to get
to the mugs all the way there?
Am I following?
- Yeah, I guess so.
I don't know. It was
early. I'm tired.
It was 1:30 p.m.
- Amy, I love the
mug you gave me.
- What do you love about it?
- What... what do you mean?
- What do you mean,
"What do I mean?"
What do you love about it?
- Mom!
- Cool it, Hannah.
- Well, I love all
of the little bumps
and I love that it's
shiny in some parts
and then not in others.
I think that's cool.
- And I like that.
- Yeah?
You like that, Mike?
- Mom, look.
I drew a picture of our family.
Happy.
- Oh, honey.
That is so good.
- I'm really not seeing it.
- What?
- Looks nothing like us.
You don't even have that hat.
And we're not
wearing any clothes.
That's disgusting.
It sucks. Do it again.
- Mom, you're scaring me.
- Shut the fuck up, Hannah.
- Okay, look.
Having a beautiful, lovely drink
out of this wonderful mug!
- Good!
- Mmm.
Wow, that's so nice...
- Isn't it?
- The way it sort
of hits my lip.
- I'm so glad you like it.
- Feels so good
to drink out of.
- Yeah! If you...
- Are you fucking happy?
- Yeah, yeah!
I'm so fucking happy now!
- Go get my Flatuda.
I'm sorry I yelled.
- I'm sorry.
I love you so
much. I love you.
- Talk to your doctor
about Flatuda today.
May cause delusions
about artistic ability.
- So this mug is the
prop from that scene,
which is the most exciting
prop I've ever held.
And it sort of looks like if
vomit got run over by a car.
It feels awful to hold.
The only thing my therapist
said I'm lacking is empathy.
- Oh, well, same.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Same.
- Mmm, guys, I
actually love the rain.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's so nice
to sometimes just be, like,
inside, warm and cozy,
you know?
- Oh, my God, exactly.
And can we just
stop and acknowledge
how incredible it is that
we're all here together,
just be here, be present,
breathe, gratitude?
- Oh, did I not tell you?
I'm always really present now.
I started about six
months ago, so...
- Wow.
- Good for you.
Gratitude.
- Brianna, can I just say,
your skin looks amazing.
- Aww, that's because it is.
Thank you for my skin.
Thank you for my voice.
Oh, here I go.
- Well, you give
that gratitude, girl.
It feels so good, right?
- It does.
- Yeah.
But really, have
you changed products
or maybe a little
something else?
If you know what
I mean.
I mean, I would never
get anything done,
but, you know,
like, no judgments.
- I mean, this is a safe space.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- You can tell us.
- You can.
- I'm not gonna touch anything
on my God-given face or body,
but you do you, girl.
- Guys, no way.
Honestly, no way.
I am au naturel and filled
to the brim with gratitude.
Truly. That's what you see.
It's just gratitude.
- Oh, bubbling
over with nonstop,
balls-to-the-wall gratitude.
No question. Yes.
- Same. Like, gratitude.
- Yes! Yes.
- Same.
- Exactly, so I got something
called the See-through
Smart Laser.
It just burns off the very
top layer of the dermis.
It's, like, not
even a legal laser
because it's so light.
'Cause, like, I'm just
gonna gracefully rock
into my old age with
God's plan up there.
Like, whoever she is,
I'm sticking with it, you know?
- Same. Same.
- Honestly, same.
- Literally same.
- That's why I
felt so comfortable
getting these eyelash
and hair extensions,
because I'm not changing
Goddess' work at all.
I'm just adding to it.
Like, I love me.
I just wanted to add more
of me to me, you know?
- Yes, and that is
the exact reason
I got my calf implants.
Gratitude!
- Grat.
- Grats.
- Gratitude, gratitude,
gratitude.
- Gra-tat-tat.
- And your calves look sick.
- What?
- Have you been getting steps?
Oh, my God, no.
- Yes!
- Actually, I didn't tell you?
- No.
- Oh, my God. Did I tell you?
- No!
- Did I tell you?
- No.
- Okay, well, I've found
that for me and
listening to my body
that walking wasn't right, and
I can only be fully present
and fully in gratitude
if I'm completely still.
Which is also why
it was so easy for me
to start getting Coldform.
- Wait, that's when
they blast your fat
with a big
MRI-machine-looking thing,
right, until your body
gets frostbitten and dies?
- Correct.
Yes, and on my pets' lives,
I would never get any work done.
- No, thank you.
- But that wasn't something
that I was willing to miss.
Gratitude.
- Gratitude.
Well, I would get that done too.
I mean, you look great.
- Aww.
- But you know, I just
feel like if I start,
I'm not gonna stop.
- Same.
- Samesies.
- Same, you guys.
- Same.
- Same?
- Same.
- Same?
- Same.
- Same.
- Same, same, same, same.
- Same, same, same.
- Same, same, same.
- So for me, it's,
you know, no work.
I'm just really grateful for
the gifts I've been given.
- Like, the same.
- So what I got was called
Fat Suck, Fat Blow.
It's where they
take your own fat
from unwanted places,
and they stick it back in to
places where it should be.
I just thought, "I am
giving me back to me.
And that... that's gratitude."
- Yes, it is.
- Gratitude.
- Yes, it is.
- I'd be jealous
if I wasn't so grateful.
- You look amazing.
- And what about you, Court?
What have you been doin'?
- Yes, bitch.
- Meditation?
- Well...
- Courtney, it doesn't actually
sound like you're in
gratitude right now.
- No, no, no. I... I am. I am.
- That's just not what it's
really seeming like, Courtney.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Courtney, I don't wanna pile
on, but I don't even think
you're present right now.
- You guys, come on.
- Really?
- You guys know I'm present.
- Really?
- I'm present, you guys.
- Courtney?
- I am fucking present, Amy.
Fuck you.
- Okay.
- Well, good!
- Gratitude to the sky.
- Gratitude!
- Good! Gratitude.
- 100P grat.
- Hey, do you guys wanna
go to Haiti this weekend
on my private jet and get
our faces and bodies made
into Lily Collins'
face and body?
- Um, yes.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Gratitude.
- Gratitude!
Gratitude.
- Yeah, Amy wanted
me in that scene,
but I told her a Black
woman ain't that stupid.
- Noelle Christensen
is a big-city bigwig.
- And this year, profits are...
- With the career
she always wanted.
But sometimes, life
gets in the way.
Hey, Amy.
- Hey, big shot
workaholic little sis.
We can't wait
to see you this weekend
at the town's holiday festival
that we do every year.
- Yeah, about that...
Listen, we are so...
- Slammed at the office
because of end-of-year accounts?
You tried that last year,
okay, and the year before.
Look, Noelle,
I know our hometown has
never been your thing,
but it's Christmastime, and
everyone's looking forward
to seeing workaholic
big-city Noelle,
my little sister
who's younger than me,
that's you.
Christmas, girl!
It's Christmas!
- Watch it, lady.
- Hey, you big jerk.
- Noelle?
- Finley?
- Last time I saw you, you
were breaking up with me
at graduation to
move to the big city
to become a skyscraper jockey.
- If you mean managing a
Fortune 200 hedge fund,
then yes, I did.
And you sell Christmas trees?
- Is something wrong
with that, Broadway?
- No, I just...
I remember you saying you wanted
to become a talented painter.
- Yeah, well.
Garlandton ain't a place
where dreams come true, is it?
My dad's brother's friend got
sick and we lost the farm.
- Anyway, enjoy your cell phone.
Lil sis,
can you please peel yourself
from your spreadsheets
and help me with
these baking sheets?
You used
to love making
our special Christmas cookies.
Right?
Uh-oh.
This calls for... I think
you need a little flour.
Uh, uh, uh.
Oh!
Ah!
Finley, come in.
I felt bad about before.
- And I know this place's
old heater ain't so great,
so I thought I'd drop
off some firewood.
Or have you been in
the city too long
to remember how to
get a fire going?
You got an app for that,
city slicker?
- An app for what?
Okay.
Well, okay, I'm gonna
leave my workaholic
lil sis to have some privacy
with her hot capable
ex from high school
that may have been
the one that got away.
- You know, I still
paint a little.
Mostly landscapes
around Garlandton.
It's a special place if
you really look at it.
- I'm beginning to see
that more and more.
- This Christmas...
- Noelle.
I thought you were heading
back to your big city.
- You know, I was, but this town
is just so magical, especially
during the holidays.
- Hallmark presents...
- It makes me remember
what really matters.
- Like all lives.
- You know, I'm not sure
why I ever lef...
I'm sorry. What did you say?
- All lives matter.
- Lock her up, lock her up.
Christmas!
And that's why I left.
All right, I'm out.
- But my artwork.
- I'm good.
- "The Last Noelle."
- It's Trump!
- You left...
- He's the best.
- For a reason.
- Christmas!
- I had to take so many
showers after shooting this,
and I've played a
lot of pieces of shit
on this show over the years.
Colorado.
Come for the fresh air,
the perfect mountains' majesty,
a magical night
under a magical sky.
Whatever kind of experience
you're looking for,
you can find it
here in Colorado.
But we're more than just
beautiful wilderness.
We also have
bustling town centers
and access to all the
services you may need.
Mmm, all as legal
as a fresh mug of hot
cocoa is refreshing.
- Visiting here was
on our bucket list
of things to do before we die,
which honestly, I might have
if I hadn't been able
to visit Colorado.
- Not that you need
some big dramatic reason
to come to Colorado.
No one should have to
justify a trip to Colorado.
Maybe you just wanna
do with your own body
what you wanna do
with your own body.
And if that's...
Come to Colorado.
That's all right by us.
- My employer actually paid
for my trip to Colorado.
They covered travel
and time off.
I mean, I did have to get HR
involved in my personal life,
which is obviously not ideal
and they didn't cover childcare
while I was out of
town, but still.
I'm grateful for
access to Colorado.
- Colorado is more centrally
located than you think,
especially if you're
coming from, say, Utah,
Arizona, Wyoming,
Nebraska, or Oklahoma.
Actually, if you're
coming from Missouri,
or Nebraska, or even Iowa,
don't forget, Illinois
is another great option.
But we'd prefer you
come see us in Colorado.
But seriously, do what
you need to do, girl.
- I came to Colorado from Texas.
As a last resort, I could
have gone to a city in Texas
that has a super chill DA,
if you know what I mean.
But why risk it?
- So why not? Come
say hi to Colorado.
There are even organizations
that will help you get
to Colorado and
experience Colorado
and recover from Colorado
as discreetly as you please.
For more information,
open your browser,
click Private Browsing,
or better yet,
subscribe to an encrypted
VPN internet provider
and check out these sites,
before deleting
your search history,
just to be sure.
Heads-up, these offers may
be for a limited time only
because holy fucking shit!
Colorado!
- What?
- I know.
- Okay, baby Tigers!
I am so psyched to welcome you
to the Midwest State University,
but particularly
to the third floor
of Harrison House Dorm!
Yes, as your orientation guide
and resident advisor,
I'll be your go-to Tiger.
I'll help you in any way I can,
even if it's just French
braiding your hair
while you cry about
missing your family dog.
- Can you do a fishtail braid?
- Maybe.
Did Midwest State give
us a bunch of free swag
to give out?
Grab a bag, y'all!
Let's see. We've got
some Tigers T-shirts,
a water bottle for
definitely just water,
not diet White Claw, wink wink.
Your meal card,
a pre-charged portable
phone charger, mace.
What else?
- I'm sorry. Did you say mace?
- Is there something
wrong with that?
What, are you, like,
macist or something?
All aboard the
Don't Rape Me Train.
Let me hear you blow.
Check those bags
for these, honey.
That's the sound of
a woman in trouble.
Though notice no one
from the university
coming to check out that
noise because the school
doesn't actually
do squat.
Ooh, a cute
lanyard for your dorm keys.
We all know how to hold
our keys, right, right?
Check out my little
Wolverines. Amazing.
- Is anyone else scared?
- Can you do a braid that
wraps around your head
like a Victorian maid?
- Maybe no more braid questions?
Oh, okay. Ooh! Another
extra phone charger.
Keep your fucking phone charged
and the charger charged.
I am not kidding.
You need to make sure
you have evidence.
- Of what?
- Here's a brochure
for our women's services,
where the only thing
they actually do
is make you take
a pregnancy test.
- Inside the brochure
is just a coupon
for one free karate lesson?
I love karate.
Hi-ya. Like Miss
Piggy. Girlboss.
Which reminds me,
we all know the importance
of a safeword, right? Yeah?
At Midwest State University,
the safeword is "Go, Tigers."
Let me hear you say
it. - Go, Tigers!
- Anyway, that's just
your starter safeword.
Feel free to change it.
Your safeword can
be anything you want
as long as you realize
you're not actually safe here
or at most colleges.
Gum?
- I wanna go home.
- And I know that y'all know
that you're more likely
to know your attacker,
so maybe just don't know anyone.
And if you do insist on dating,
I'd find someone who
isn't good at sports
or connected to wealth or
power or friends or parents.
- Okay, cool. What's this?
Like, a list of course
recommendations?
- Oh, yeah, those
are courses to avoid
because the professors
are all ped...
Did you gals try the gum yet?
It tastes like Gatorade, right?
- It's so good, yeah.
- So good.
Yeah, it's sugar-free because
your body is a temple,
but also a target.
Look, I know you're
probably like,
"Why do we have to do all this?
"Why can't the school
just teach guys
not to assault?"
Sorry, sorry.
"Or hold 'em responsible
when they do?"
I could not get through
that with a straight face.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna call my mom.
- Ooh, a gift certificate.
- Oh, yeah! Okay.
That is redeemable
for three textbooks
at the bookstore or a bus ticket
to the closest state
where abortions are legal.
Can you do cornrows?
God damn it.
Every woman for themselves!
Check your bags!
- That scene is a huge bummer.
I pitched it to Sascha,
who's still in college,
so it must be an even
bigger bummer to her.
- College orientation
is basically just
"Welcome to college. You're
about to be assaulted."
It's really dark.
- I met our writer Ron Weiner
when I was on an episode
of "30 Rock" he wrote
a million years ago that
I was mostly cut out of.
- Yeah, Amy actually kind
of got herself cut out
because she ad-libbed
a lot of lines,
which got me really
furious, actually.
But later on, we became friends,
and I ended up
emailing her these MP3s
of these really kind of,
like, dorky comedy songs
that I used to write.
- I love Ron's songs,
and I wanted them
to be on our show,
so here's Ron.
Would you like fries
with that pizza?
- I'd like the Happy
Meal with pizza.
Life's amazing, all around you.
Normal items, hidden secrets.
- Keep alive your
childish wonder.
- I swear, whenever
we're about to roll,
my vagina itches.
- I don't know what that is.
- It's chlamydia.
- Oh. I need a stretcher.
- Here we go. Cameras set?
- Yep.
- And tomorrow for Friday
we got everybody...
We got a drug
truck for the crew.
Yeah, you're welcome.
- Stop doing your
Chihuahua noise.
Go to your room!
Wait, go to my room
and get my Flatuda.
- Go to your mom's room.
- It's so easy.