Inside Amy Schumer (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Episode #5.2 - full transcript
- Don't you enjoy how
confident your SPANX
make you feel in the office?
Aren't they the best?
Yes.
- Giving you a hug
under your clothes
that would be too tight
if they weren't holding
all your mistakes and
poor choices together?
- Sure do.
- But what about
when you get home?
- Oh, well, that's
the best part.
I can finally
breathe.
- Sure, you can!
Your tubby torso
is free at last,
thank God Almighty.
Like this, right?
Oh.
- Gross! Is that what you
think your man wants to see?
Just because you're home,
doesn't mean it's okay for you
to be a fat fatty.
But don't make plans
to die alone just yet.
I'm here to save your
lard ass yet again
with Home SPANX, the
SPANX you wear at home!
Just because you're in the
comfort of your own home,
doesn't mean you should
stop hating yourself.
Home SPANX, SPANX for home.
- They just look like
SPANX but with a picture...
- With a picture
of a home on 'em.
That's right, Einstein...
So you know to wear them
in the safety of
your own fat home.
- Wow, so skinny. God.
Yeah, now you look only
20 pounds overweight.
I'm hard as a rock.
Thanks a lot, Home SPANX.
- You're welcome,
under-five boyfriend.
- Me?
- Shh.
- I hear you. I
just didn't think
it was a good movie.
Like, I thought the acting
was terrible, and it
just wasn't very funny,
you know.
Yeah, I don't know.
Wait, hold on. Can
I call you back?
What?
Excuse me.
- Yep?
- Hi, um, what is this?
- What's what?
- It says "Fart Park."
- Oh, yeah. It's part of
this city-wide initiative.
You know, judgment-free zones
where people can go fart.
It's outside, COVID-friendly.
It's pretty great.
So that's what's going on
in there, everybody's
just farting?
- I mean, hopefully. But,
we've seen some accidents.
- Huh.
- 'Scuse me!
- Sorry.
- Close the gate, please!
- First time at Fart Park?
- Yeah,
is it that obvious?
- That's just Harry,
one of our regulars.
He's annoying,
but he's harmless.
All fart and no bite
as we like to say around here.
I'm Josh, by the way.
- Amy.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh.
- Uh...
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I'll
leave you to it.
Okay.
- Farting is such sweet sorrow.
- Yeah, I just felt
this connection
you wouldn't believe, just
as soon as we shook hands.
Josh.
Yeah, he just seemed so sweet.
I'll let you know if
I see him again today.
Can I call you back?
Oh, my God. What happened?
- There was a
murder at Fart Park.
- Josh...
Oh...
I would know
that fart anywhere.
- He was such a kind man.
- That's the guy!
- This dude?
- No. No, no, no!
He should've closed the gate!
How many times could I ask?
He should've closed the gate!
He should've closed the gate!
- Josh!
But as I watched the now
lifeless body being loaded
into the back of that cold,
soulless coroner's van,
I knew that Josh would
have become my husband.
I just knew. I could
feel it in my bones.
And though the thought of
living the rest of my life
without Josh completely
broke my heart.
I knew he would forever
hold a place in the depths
of my fart.
The two words "fart
park" occurred to me.
Like, I don't know
what this idea is,
but I knew that the name
was gonna be Fart Park.
- Right away, I
remember thinking like,
"There should be a
murder at Fart Park,"
just super-dramatic.
Thought that would be funny.
- And then I had a
moment where I was like,
"I don't know if it
should be a murder."
Like, I don't think we
need a murder at Fart Park,
and everybody was like,
"You're an idiot, Amy.
There has to be a
murder at Fart Park."
- We've got really
good actors...
People that, you know,
went to Yale and
studied very hard,
and then they're gonna
have on their résumé...
"Fart Park."
- Now that he's gotten
used to seeing you
in Home SPANX all the time,
are you tired of your
boyfriend being disappointed
by your blubberous,
naked body during sex?
Well, be tired no more,
and free his willy!
Here comes Sex SPANX!
- Are these
affiliated with SPANX?
- No, don't touch me, pig.
- Oh, yeah, you look acceptable.
You mind if I still turn down
the lights so it's
basically fully dark?
- Always.
- Mm.
- And we didn't stop there.
There's actually no occasion
when anybody should have
to experience your real,
vile tank of a body.
That's why we've also made...
Shower SPANX!
- Put these on!
- Oh, hi.
I'm Amy.
You need to
put on the headphones...
so you can
hear what I'm saying.
- Headphones?
- Yeah, but can you hear me?
- Yeah, do I sit here?
- Yeah, take a seat there.
- Oh, my gosh. Is
this a studi...
This is a studio.
- It sure is, Amy S.
I'm a little starstruck,
off the record.
You're my favorite. I
thought you should've won.
- Oh, that's so nice.
No, but I'm... you know,
there's only one rose.
I'm glad things went the
way they were supposed to,
you know? I feel
like I was myself
the whole time.
- Totally. Yeah.
- You know?
And so I'm really
proud of how it went.
But... and I'm so
happy for Colby.
- Yeah, totally. So
today, pretty easy really.
Not too hard, what
we have to do today.
We just have to rerecord
some of the things you said
on the show.
Sometimes the mics don't
pick things up great,
and we just have
to get 'em again.
Yeah, it shouldn't be too hard.
The lines are right there.
- These are my lines here?
- Yeah, that's right.
- Okay.
- Those are the lines we need
to pick back up.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you see 'em?
- Oh, I wish I had a script
on the show. Maybe
I would've won.
Hey, look, you were great.
Colby's loss, that's what I say.
- Aw, thank you for saying that.
And I'm so excited to watch
the episodes with my family
and my grandma is
coming. She's 100.
She's gonna be 100.
- Great, really cool.
Okay, so you're gonna
hear three beeps
and a lesser signal
to say the line, okay?
- Okay, three beeps,
right? Okay, got it.
- First up... Well, it
sounds like you said
"I'm so nervous my
pits are sweating."
- Oh, God.
- That's so embarrassing.
I said that? Ugh.
- Okay, so three beeps.
After the beeps.
- Okay.
I'm so nervous my
pits are... sweating.
Oh, sorry. I messed that up.
- Don't worry. That's
fine. That's fine.
We can work around it.
We can... we can work around it.
- Really?
Okay.
- Totally fine.
You're a natural.
You got this.
You're doing great.
Okay, next line.
Um...
Oh. I-I have to say this?
- Yup, yup. So just
wait for the beeps.
Here they come.
- I can't believe this
garbage whore thinks
she can talk to Colby again.
I just started talking to Colby.
What a dumb garbage whore.
Okay, "garbage whore" isn't
gonna make me very popular.
Is there any way we
could just cut that out?
- We're-we're picture
locked, I'm afraid.
So, yeah, we have
to match it exactly.
Let's keep rolling.
Let's keep going, Amy.
You're doing great.
- I hope she gets
COVID. The long kind.
I might have COVID. I'm
not feeling that well.
I'm gonna make sure to
breathe on her a lot
at the cocktail
party so she gets it.
Hopefully she's not vaxxed
and she goes home and dies.
Okay, is there any way
we can just cut that out?
I-I-I'm really not feeling
too proud of that moment.
- No, as I said,
we-we are picture
locked now, so...
- I didn't know that people
were necessarily recording
or... was that
definitely me saying it?
'Cause I know microphones
can pick up on other people
and it can...
People can kind of
throw their voices.
- No, this line in
particular you were pretty...
Like, you said, "Can I go in
the confessional booth now?
I've got something
to get off my chest."
So you actually
kind of initiated...
- It's me saying it?
- Definitely you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the next... the next
line after the beeps.
Oh, God.
Oh, okay.
This one isn't bad.
Phew!
Okay.
I'm so excited for my
one-on-one with Colby.
I think
I'm gonna suck him off
behind the candle
display in the hallway.
Let's see Kaitlin S. do that.
Come on, I-I... Did I
definitely say that?
I-I really... I-I've...
I don't think I've ever
said those words in my life.
- Oh, hundo percento.
- Just, I'm not that
kind of person, you know?
I'm a... I'm a teacher.
- Yeah, that's why
this is so great,
'cause, like,
imagine your teacher
saying these things on TV.
These kids are gonna go nuts.
Their parents are
gonna go crazy.
You're gonna be famous.
Or infamous. I can't remember
which one is, like,
the negative one.
But people are gonna
know your name, Amy S.
- Okay. Next line.
Okay, next line.
You know the Jews are
trying to replace us, right?
I-I really... I don't
feel great about this.
- Actually, sorry Amy,
could you do those again?
'Cause when you said
them on the show,
like, you were really hammered.
So could you, like,
kind of slur the speech?
And maybe add like a
little kind of, like, dr...
'cause you were
drooling on the show
when you said these things.
So if you could add
kind of, like, a drool-y
kind of wet sound.
You know
the Jews are trying
to replace us, right?
You know what? I think I
might have to take off.
I-I think I should
call, like, a lawyer.
- Don't worry, that's
actually the last line.
- Oh, okay.
- You did great.
Now we just need to get
some wild crying sounds.
- You just... a bunch of...
- Crying noises.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
'Cause you did that a lot.
You did a lot of crying.
- Fuck.
- This is when you
were in the limo.
Do you remember? And
you were going home
earlier than you
thought you would be.
And you're just kind of
sobbing and sad and pathetic.
- Very good. Great. And
so can we pick it up
to kind of, like, scream-crying?
So this is when Kaitlin R.
Borrows Colby for a sec.
- Yes. I hated
when she did that.
That was totally uncool
because she'd already
spent time with him.
- Yeah, you were really
upset about that.
- So mad, yeah.
- Yeah, nice.
Yeah, okay, but we really need
it sloppy, though, Amy, like...
Yeah, that's it. Ugly.
That's right. So
sadness and rage.
Yeah, all over your
face. Yeah, great.
Bit of horniness
and, like, regret.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, that one was good.
Okay, we're gonna keep going.
And now this is when
you started vomiting
while you were scream-crying.
Beautiful.
Be vomiting, crying, screaming,
a little bit of farting.
- You started
farting a little bit.
Farting, crying, screaming.
You're so sad.
You're so pathetic.
I really...
- Beautiful. Bit more farts.
Couple of farts. Oh, Amy.
That was... that was amazing.
I'm in the presence
of greatness.
That was perfect. Your
friends, your family,
the millions of people
who watch "The Bachelor,"
they're gonna be blown away.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I think... I think you're
gonna be real happy
with this, Amy.
- Okay.
Thank-thank you. That's it?
- No, thank you. That's you...
That's you done. You're done.
You're done.
- Cut.
Yeah. Great.
Thanks, Amy. You're a star.
You should have won.
You should have won.
- Okay.
Are you single?
- I... I'm asexual, actually.
- Okay.
- Thank you, though.
- You know the Jews are
trying to replace us, right?
Reality dating shows
are bad for women.
They're bad for men.
And I will watch
them all until I die.
- That thing is still out there.
- Governor Babbit,
what do we do?
- I guess one of us is
gonna have to go out there
and try and stop it.
- Babbit's the one who didn't
fix the electrical grid.
So now the power's going out.
I told you
I had that trip to Mexico
planned months ago.
- Boys, we don't settle
disputes by yelling.
This is Texas.
We draw guns.
- No matter what
happens out there,
we'll defend this room
like it's the Alamo.
- No!
Oh, my God.
- This is the girls room.
Fuckin' Texas.
- We wanted to do a
horror movie scene.
And I think we figured out
what scares Texas politicians
more than anything.
- The runners up were
hurricanes, power outages,
uh, and the border.
- Anyway, here it is.
This is your brand new office.
- What?
- Yeah.
- This is mine?
Oh, my God.
- Yep.
- Is that a plant?
- Uh, no.
Or, actually, yeah,
I guess-guess it is.
Look at that, huh?
Yeah.
I don't know why I smelled it.
- Not bad, right?
- It's amazing.
I really love it.
Thank you so much, Mr. Riley.
- Oh, just call me Boss.
And no thanks necessary.
You earned it.
Anyway, have a seat.
Make yourself at
home. Get comfy.
- Okay. I really wanted to.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Take it for a test drive.
- Uh, so a few
things to go over.
We're gonna get you a keycard.
There's a private bathroom
just for the execs.
Uh, mini fridge gets
stocked every...
- Hello?
- Monday.
And then every now and then
a little bit of poison leaks
into this office.
- What?
- Um, what else?
Oh, Clara's setting you
up with an assistant.
Uh, if you have a preference
on race, just let her know.
- I'm sorry, I just...
It sounded like you said
that this office leaks
a little bit of poison?
- Uh, yeah, just
a few times a day.
Just, you know, a little bit.
- Like...
- Poison, poison?
- Yeah, it's an aerosol poison.
It comes right out of the vents.
- Um... Is that a problem?
- I mean, you know, no.
If it... if the
other partners...
If it leaks in
everybody's office,
then I'll go down with the ship.
Well, it doesn't.
Yeah, it's just this office.
- So it's not good for me?
- Look, Amy, I'm sensing
a little hesitation.
Why don't you talk to me, child.
What's up? Are you feeling
a little bit overwhelmed?
You're the first female
partner we've had here, right?
Is that a little
bit of pressure?
You gonna start
bleeding on that chair?
- No, I don't even get my period
for another ten days so...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
TMI-ay-ay!
Ew, boy - Sorry.
Okay.
- Eww, boy!
- Okay. I won't talk
about that anymore
if you don't. I do
just want to kind of
circle back to
this poison thing.
- Amy, um, yeah,
I gotta tell ya,
I'm proud that we
made you a partner.
I really feel like
a move like that
can really just pull us
into the 20th century.
- Yeah, me too. I'm just...
I am kind of wondering, though,
you know, if maybe we
could turn the poison off
if it's just from right here?
Like, maybe we can cover
it up or something?
- No, 'cause that gets
rid of the ventilation.
Then everyone gets COVID.
So the answer to that is no.
See the couch?
You haven't even said
anything about it yet.
What do you think
of this design?
Not bad, right?
I had them cover
it with newspaper
so you don't have to worry
about your monthly drippy drips.
- I'm sorry, I-I don't mean
to be annoying, but the...
Regarding the poison...
- What is the obsession
with the poison?
There was a sign
on the front door.
It said "Do not enter.
Bad poison. Will die."
I un-taped that for you.
- It said "Will die"?
- You know what, Amy? I'm
sorry but it just feels
like you're being very
ungrateful right now.
I went to bat for you.
I said, "Hey, fellas, it
seems like a tampon company
should have at least
one woman on the board."
I did that. For you.
And now this.
All right, I guess this
is not good enough.
- No, no, no, no.
- I guess my design...
- No, no, no.
- That I laid out is
just no good.
- No. No, it is.
It's good. It's
good. It's good.
- You know what? I
think they were right.
Maybe you should
never mentor a woman.
Or a person of color.
Or all the different
types of gays.
- No. No, no, no.
I disrespected you.
I did. And I am
so sorry for that.
You have to forgive me.
I think I'm probably ovulating.
And that is probably
why I'm so emotional.
- That's what I was gonna say.
- Yeah.
- But I didn't know
what the word was.
- No, it's... there's...
Yeah, just women, you know...
A week before, ten
days before their eggs drop...
- That's the period?
- No. It's...
- Are there eggs?
- That's the lining
of your uterus. That's...
it drops out of your...
Out of your...
- But there's...
- Are there eggs in the blood?
- No, there's eggs...
There's eggs in your ovaries.
But I'm... I disrespected you
and I should just be
saying "Thank you."
You've been so generous to me.
And let's just forget
about all of this, Boss.
- All right. Well,
you're welcome.
And welcome aboard.
Congratulations.
- Holy fuck, the poison!
- I don't even smell anything.
Oh, boy.
- Golly, she looks svelte.
- Bet she's wearing
Casket SPANX.
- Nope! Casket SPANX
went out of business.
Don't ever say that name again.
- I just meant...
- But just because
Casket SPANX got sued
into oblivion, doesn't mean
you couldn't be svelter.
You shouldn't have to wait
for your body to decompose
to be skin and bones.
That's why we're here to help,
you Roald Dahl-looking bitch.
- Us or her?
- You, you fat piece of shit.
What if once you start to decay
you're hit with the
devastating fact
that like everyone in
middle school suspected,
you are big-boned?
Well, don't worry. We
have your fat back...
With Skinny Girl Coffins.
- Skinny Girl
Coffins. It's so easy.
- Skinny Girl Coffins
are the only way
today's deceased hotties
can rest in peace...
of ass.
Skinny Girl Coffins by
me, Bethenny Frankel.
Once again, Ron Weiner.
- But as I watched the na...
- I just did a gravel ride.
It's a combination. It's,
like, road bike frame.
It's not mountain biking,
but it's off-road biking.
And I just did... it's...
You know, you're working
different muscles. So
you could ride five miles
and you could be as
tired as riding 50,
'cause you're doing
a lot of hills.
- All right, I can
act like a dumb bitch
on "The Bachelor." No problem.
- Like this, right?
Like this, right?
- What's happening?
- I think you have to hit it...
- Fucking hell.
- I think you have to hit it
on the... against the couch.
Wait, I need to make sure
you can see my vagina.
- We have to see the...
- I definitely see it.
- I like to put seltzer
in my water bottle.
- It's so easy.
confident your SPANX
make you feel in the office?
Aren't they the best?
Yes.
- Giving you a hug
under your clothes
that would be too tight
if they weren't holding
all your mistakes and
poor choices together?
- Sure do.
- But what about
when you get home?
- Oh, well, that's
the best part.
I can finally
breathe.
- Sure, you can!
Your tubby torso
is free at last,
thank God Almighty.
Like this, right?
Oh.
- Gross! Is that what you
think your man wants to see?
Just because you're home,
doesn't mean it's okay for you
to be a fat fatty.
But don't make plans
to die alone just yet.
I'm here to save your
lard ass yet again
with Home SPANX, the
SPANX you wear at home!
Just because you're in the
comfort of your own home,
doesn't mean you should
stop hating yourself.
Home SPANX, SPANX for home.
- They just look like
SPANX but with a picture...
- With a picture
of a home on 'em.
That's right, Einstein...
So you know to wear them
in the safety of
your own fat home.
- Wow, so skinny. God.
Yeah, now you look only
20 pounds overweight.
I'm hard as a rock.
Thanks a lot, Home SPANX.
- You're welcome,
under-five boyfriend.
- Me?
- Shh.
- I hear you. I
just didn't think
it was a good movie.
Like, I thought the acting
was terrible, and it
just wasn't very funny,
you know.
Yeah, I don't know.
Wait, hold on. Can
I call you back?
What?
Excuse me.
- Yep?
- Hi, um, what is this?
- What's what?
- It says "Fart Park."
- Oh, yeah. It's part of
this city-wide initiative.
You know, judgment-free zones
where people can go fart.
It's outside, COVID-friendly.
It's pretty great.
So that's what's going on
in there, everybody's
just farting?
- I mean, hopefully. But,
we've seen some accidents.
- Huh.
- 'Scuse me!
- Sorry.
- Close the gate, please!
- First time at Fart Park?
- Yeah,
is it that obvious?
- That's just Harry,
one of our regulars.
He's annoying,
but he's harmless.
All fart and no bite
as we like to say around here.
I'm Josh, by the way.
- Amy.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh.
- Uh...
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I'll
leave you to it.
Okay.
- Farting is such sweet sorrow.
- Yeah, I just felt
this connection
you wouldn't believe, just
as soon as we shook hands.
Josh.
Yeah, he just seemed so sweet.
I'll let you know if
I see him again today.
Can I call you back?
Oh, my God. What happened?
- There was a
murder at Fart Park.
- Josh...
Oh...
I would know
that fart anywhere.
- He was such a kind man.
- That's the guy!
- This dude?
- No. No, no, no!
He should've closed the gate!
How many times could I ask?
He should've closed the gate!
He should've closed the gate!
- Josh!
But as I watched the now
lifeless body being loaded
into the back of that cold,
soulless coroner's van,
I knew that Josh would
have become my husband.
I just knew. I could
feel it in my bones.
And though the thought of
living the rest of my life
without Josh completely
broke my heart.
I knew he would forever
hold a place in the depths
of my fart.
The two words "fart
park" occurred to me.
Like, I don't know
what this idea is,
but I knew that the name
was gonna be Fart Park.
- Right away, I
remember thinking like,
"There should be a
murder at Fart Park,"
just super-dramatic.
Thought that would be funny.
- And then I had a
moment where I was like,
"I don't know if it
should be a murder."
Like, I don't think we
need a murder at Fart Park,
and everybody was like,
"You're an idiot, Amy.
There has to be a
murder at Fart Park."
- We've got really
good actors...
People that, you know,
went to Yale and
studied very hard,
and then they're gonna
have on their résumé...
"Fart Park."
- Now that he's gotten
used to seeing you
in Home SPANX all the time,
are you tired of your
boyfriend being disappointed
by your blubberous,
naked body during sex?
Well, be tired no more,
and free his willy!
Here comes Sex SPANX!
- Are these
affiliated with SPANX?
- No, don't touch me, pig.
- Oh, yeah, you look acceptable.
You mind if I still turn down
the lights so it's
basically fully dark?
- Always.
- Mm.
- And we didn't stop there.
There's actually no occasion
when anybody should have
to experience your real,
vile tank of a body.
That's why we've also made...
Shower SPANX!
- Put these on!
- Oh, hi.
I'm Amy.
You need to
put on the headphones...
so you can
hear what I'm saying.
- Headphones?
- Yeah, but can you hear me?
- Yeah, do I sit here?
- Yeah, take a seat there.
- Oh, my gosh. Is
this a studi...
This is a studio.
- It sure is, Amy S.
I'm a little starstruck,
off the record.
You're my favorite. I
thought you should've won.
- Oh, that's so nice.
No, but I'm... you know,
there's only one rose.
I'm glad things went the
way they were supposed to,
you know? I feel
like I was myself
the whole time.
- Totally. Yeah.
- You know?
And so I'm really
proud of how it went.
But... and I'm so
happy for Colby.
- Yeah, totally. So
today, pretty easy really.
Not too hard, what
we have to do today.
We just have to rerecord
some of the things you said
on the show.
Sometimes the mics don't
pick things up great,
and we just have
to get 'em again.
Yeah, it shouldn't be too hard.
The lines are right there.
- These are my lines here?
- Yeah, that's right.
- Okay.
- Those are the lines we need
to pick back up.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you see 'em?
- Oh, I wish I had a script
on the show. Maybe
I would've won.
Hey, look, you were great.
Colby's loss, that's what I say.
- Aw, thank you for saying that.
And I'm so excited to watch
the episodes with my family
and my grandma is
coming. She's 100.
She's gonna be 100.
- Great, really cool.
Okay, so you're gonna
hear three beeps
and a lesser signal
to say the line, okay?
- Okay, three beeps,
right? Okay, got it.
- First up... Well, it
sounds like you said
"I'm so nervous my
pits are sweating."
- Oh, God.
- That's so embarrassing.
I said that? Ugh.
- Okay, so three beeps.
After the beeps.
- Okay.
I'm so nervous my
pits are... sweating.
Oh, sorry. I messed that up.
- Don't worry. That's
fine. That's fine.
We can work around it.
We can... we can work around it.
- Really?
Okay.
- Totally fine.
You're a natural.
You got this.
You're doing great.
Okay, next line.
Um...
Oh. I-I have to say this?
- Yup, yup. So just
wait for the beeps.
Here they come.
- I can't believe this
garbage whore thinks
she can talk to Colby again.
I just started talking to Colby.
What a dumb garbage whore.
Okay, "garbage whore" isn't
gonna make me very popular.
Is there any way we
could just cut that out?
- We're-we're picture
locked, I'm afraid.
So, yeah, we have
to match it exactly.
Let's keep rolling.
Let's keep going, Amy.
You're doing great.
- I hope she gets
COVID. The long kind.
I might have COVID. I'm
not feeling that well.
I'm gonna make sure to
breathe on her a lot
at the cocktail
party so she gets it.
Hopefully she's not vaxxed
and she goes home and dies.
Okay, is there any way
we can just cut that out?
I-I-I'm really not feeling
too proud of that moment.
- No, as I said,
we-we are picture
locked now, so...
- I didn't know that people
were necessarily recording
or... was that
definitely me saying it?
'Cause I know microphones
can pick up on other people
and it can...
People can kind of
throw their voices.
- No, this line in
particular you were pretty...
Like, you said, "Can I go in
the confessional booth now?
I've got something
to get off my chest."
So you actually
kind of initiated...
- It's me saying it?
- Definitely you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the next... the next
line after the beeps.
Oh, God.
Oh, okay.
This one isn't bad.
Phew!
Okay.
I'm so excited for my
one-on-one with Colby.
I think
I'm gonna suck him off
behind the candle
display in the hallway.
Let's see Kaitlin S. do that.
Come on, I-I... Did I
definitely say that?
I-I really... I-I've...
I don't think I've ever
said those words in my life.
- Oh, hundo percento.
- Just, I'm not that
kind of person, you know?
I'm a... I'm a teacher.
- Yeah, that's why
this is so great,
'cause, like,
imagine your teacher
saying these things on TV.
These kids are gonna go nuts.
Their parents are
gonna go crazy.
You're gonna be famous.
Or infamous. I can't remember
which one is, like,
the negative one.
But people are gonna
know your name, Amy S.
- Okay. Next line.
Okay, next line.
You know the Jews are
trying to replace us, right?
I-I really... I don't
feel great about this.
- Actually, sorry Amy,
could you do those again?
'Cause when you said
them on the show,
like, you were really hammered.
So could you, like,
kind of slur the speech?
And maybe add like a
little kind of, like, dr...
'cause you were
drooling on the show
when you said these things.
So if you could add
kind of, like, a drool-y
kind of wet sound.
You know
the Jews are trying
to replace us, right?
You know what? I think I
might have to take off.
I-I think I should
call, like, a lawyer.
- Don't worry, that's
actually the last line.
- Oh, okay.
- You did great.
Now we just need to get
some wild crying sounds.
- You just... a bunch of...
- Crying noises.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
'Cause you did that a lot.
You did a lot of crying.
- Fuck.
- This is when you
were in the limo.
Do you remember? And
you were going home
earlier than you
thought you would be.
And you're just kind of
sobbing and sad and pathetic.
- Very good. Great. And
so can we pick it up
to kind of, like, scream-crying?
So this is when Kaitlin R.
Borrows Colby for a sec.
- Yes. I hated
when she did that.
That was totally uncool
because she'd already
spent time with him.
- Yeah, you were really
upset about that.
- So mad, yeah.
- Yeah, nice.
Yeah, okay, but we really need
it sloppy, though, Amy, like...
Yeah, that's it. Ugly.
That's right. So
sadness and rage.
Yeah, all over your
face. Yeah, great.
Bit of horniness
and, like, regret.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, that one was good.
Okay, we're gonna keep going.
And now this is when
you started vomiting
while you were scream-crying.
Beautiful.
Be vomiting, crying, screaming,
a little bit of farting.
- You started
farting a little bit.
Farting, crying, screaming.
You're so sad.
You're so pathetic.
I really...
- Beautiful. Bit more farts.
Couple of farts. Oh, Amy.
That was... that was amazing.
I'm in the presence
of greatness.
That was perfect. Your
friends, your family,
the millions of people
who watch "The Bachelor,"
they're gonna be blown away.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I think... I think you're
gonna be real happy
with this, Amy.
- Okay.
Thank-thank you. That's it?
- No, thank you. That's you...
That's you done. You're done.
You're done.
- Cut.
Yeah. Great.
Thanks, Amy. You're a star.
You should have won.
You should have won.
- Okay.
Are you single?
- I... I'm asexual, actually.
- Okay.
- Thank you, though.
- You know the Jews are
trying to replace us, right?
Reality dating shows
are bad for women.
They're bad for men.
And I will watch
them all until I die.
- That thing is still out there.
- Governor Babbit,
what do we do?
- I guess one of us is
gonna have to go out there
and try and stop it.
- Babbit's the one who didn't
fix the electrical grid.
So now the power's going out.
I told you
I had that trip to Mexico
planned months ago.
- Boys, we don't settle
disputes by yelling.
This is Texas.
We draw guns.
- No matter what
happens out there,
we'll defend this room
like it's the Alamo.
- No!
Oh, my God.
- This is the girls room.
Fuckin' Texas.
- We wanted to do a
horror movie scene.
And I think we figured out
what scares Texas politicians
more than anything.
- The runners up were
hurricanes, power outages,
uh, and the border.
- Anyway, here it is.
This is your brand new office.
- What?
- Yeah.
- This is mine?
Oh, my God.
- Yep.
- Is that a plant?
- Uh, no.
Or, actually, yeah,
I guess-guess it is.
Look at that, huh?
Yeah.
I don't know why I smelled it.
- Not bad, right?
- It's amazing.
I really love it.
Thank you so much, Mr. Riley.
- Oh, just call me Boss.
And no thanks necessary.
You earned it.
Anyway, have a seat.
Make yourself at
home. Get comfy.
- Okay. I really wanted to.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Take it for a test drive.
- Uh, so a few
things to go over.
We're gonna get you a keycard.
There's a private bathroom
just for the execs.
Uh, mini fridge gets
stocked every...
- Hello?
- Monday.
And then every now and then
a little bit of poison leaks
into this office.
- What?
- Um, what else?
Oh, Clara's setting you
up with an assistant.
Uh, if you have a preference
on race, just let her know.
- I'm sorry, I just...
It sounded like you said
that this office leaks
a little bit of poison?
- Uh, yeah, just
a few times a day.
Just, you know, a little bit.
- Like...
- Poison, poison?
- Yeah, it's an aerosol poison.
It comes right out of the vents.
- Um... Is that a problem?
- I mean, you know, no.
If it... if the
other partners...
If it leaks in
everybody's office,
then I'll go down with the ship.
Well, it doesn't.
Yeah, it's just this office.
- So it's not good for me?
- Look, Amy, I'm sensing
a little hesitation.
Why don't you talk to me, child.
What's up? Are you feeling
a little bit overwhelmed?
You're the first female
partner we've had here, right?
Is that a little
bit of pressure?
You gonna start
bleeding on that chair?
- No, I don't even get my period
for another ten days so...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
TMI-ay-ay!
Ew, boy - Sorry.
Okay.
- Eww, boy!
- Okay. I won't talk
about that anymore
if you don't. I do
just want to kind of
circle back to
this poison thing.
- Amy, um, yeah,
I gotta tell ya,
I'm proud that we
made you a partner.
I really feel like
a move like that
can really just pull us
into the 20th century.
- Yeah, me too. I'm just...
I am kind of wondering, though,
you know, if maybe we
could turn the poison off
if it's just from right here?
Like, maybe we can cover
it up or something?
- No, 'cause that gets
rid of the ventilation.
Then everyone gets COVID.
So the answer to that is no.
See the couch?
You haven't even said
anything about it yet.
What do you think
of this design?
Not bad, right?
I had them cover
it with newspaper
so you don't have to worry
about your monthly drippy drips.
- I'm sorry, I-I don't mean
to be annoying, but the...
Regarding the poison...
- What is the obsession
with the poison?
There was a sign
on the front door.
It said "Do not enter.
Bad poison. Will die."
I un-taped that for you.
- It said "Will die"?
- You know what, Amy? I'm
sorry but it just feels
like you're being very
ungrateful right now.
I went to bat for you.
I said, "Hey, fellas, it
seems like a tampon company
should have at least
one woman on the board."
I did that. For you.
And now this.
All right, I guess this
is not good enough.
- No, no, no, no.
- I guess my design...
- No, no, no.
- That I laid out is
just no good.
- No. No, it is.
It's good. It's
good. It's good.
- You know what? I
think they were right.
Maybe you should
never mentor a woman.
Or a person of color.
Or all the different
types of gays.
- No. No, no, no.
I disrespected you.
I did. And I am
so sorry for that.
You have to forgive me.
I think I'm probably ovulating.
And that is probably
why I'm so emotional.
- That's what I was gonna say.
- Yeah.
- But I didn't know
what the word was.
- No, it's... there's...
Yeah, just women, you know...
A week before, ten
days before their eggs drop...
- That's the period?
- No. It's...
- Are there eggs?
- That's the lining
of your uterus. That's...
it drops out of your...
Out of your...
- But there's...
- Are there eggs in the blood?
- No, there's eggs...
There's eggs in your ovaries.
But I'm... I disrespected you
and I should just be
saying "Thank you."
You've been so generous to me.
And let's just forget
about all of this, Boss.
- All right. Well,
you're welcome.
And welcome aboard.
Congratulations.
- Holy fuck, the poison!
- I don't even smell anything.
Oh, boy.
- Golly, she looks svelte.
- Bet she's wearing
Casket SPANX.
- Nope! Casket SPANX
went out of business.
Don't ever say that name again.
- I just meant...
- But just because
Casket SPANX got sued
into oblivion, doesn't mean
you couldn't be svelter.
You shouldn't have to wait
for your body to decompose
to be skin and bones.
That's why we're here to help,
you Roald Dahl-looking bitch.
- Us or her?
- You, you fat piece of shit.
What if once you start to decay
you're hit with the
devastating fact
that like everyone in
middle school suspected,
you are big-boned?
Well, don't worry. We
have your fat back...
With Skinny Girl Coffins.
- Skinny Girl
Coffins. It's so easy.
- Skinny Girl Coffins
are the only way
today's deceased hotties
can rest in peace...
of ass.
Skinny Girl Coffins by
me, Bethenny Frankel.
Once again, Ron Weiner.
- But as I watched the na...
- I just did a gravel ride.
It's a combination. It's,
like, road bike frame.
It's not mountain biking,
but it's off-road biking.
And I just did... it's...
You know, you're working
different muscles. So
you could ride five miles
and you could be as
tired as riding 50,
'cause you're doing
a lot of hills.
- All right, I can
act like a dumb bitch
on "The Bachelor." No problem.
- Like this, right?
Like this, right?
- What's happening?
- I think you have to hit it...
- Fucking hell.
- I think you have to hit it
on the... against the couch.
Wait, I need to make sure
you can see my vagina.
- We have to see the...
- I definitely see it.
- I like to put seltzer
in my water bottle.
- It's so easy.