Inside Amy Schumer (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Horror - full transcript
Amy gets a terrible haircut, farts when she gets scared, and makes out with Amber Tamblyn.
My friend sent me
a porn link this morning.
Like, you know, my friend and I
will send each other porn
once in a while.
Just, you know, if it's good,
or if one of the guys
looks like one of our dads
or something fun, just...
You know,
we're having a friendship.
I don't know. I've just never
really been into porn.
I mean, the idea of people
getting paid to have sex,
it's just...
It's awful.
It's never ever turned me on.
Totally.
Like, I hear you.
But trust me, this is...
It's just different.
It's not like porny porn.
It's...
It feels like real sex.
It just happens to be,
literally,
from the woman's
point of view.
- I'm curious, I guess.
- Yeah.
Oh...
Oh...
Move down.
Move down, move down. Move down.
- Ow, you're on my hair.
- Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Did you ever see
that movie "Spanglish"?
What?
Call me Adam Sandler.
Can you... Can you move your...
bend your leg back more?
No.
Oh. All right.
Sorry.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
Ohh!
Oh!
Ohh. Ohh.
Don't, don't,
don't, don't, don't.
Okay.
Got a $75 bld now?
At $75.
Did you show me this so I would
think guys were gross
and I would lez out with you?
It worked.
Ripped By mstoll
Do you think there's, like,
a porn they can make for women
that would be more appealing?
Bottomless guys vacuuming.
I don't know.
'Cause they're cleaning up.
Trashy porn is so gross.
I thought you were
gonna say "trapeze,"
but I'm glad
you said "trashy."
I generally don't watch porn.
You liar.
No one believed you.
That car is honking
at what a liar you are.
I had an encounter with
a huge cock this past year.
Are you excited about it?
'Cause I wasn't.
It was...
A huge penis,
I think it's like a unicorn.
Like in theory, you're like,
"Yes!
I would love to see
a unicorn up close.
Yes."
But if a unicorn was actually
standing in front of you,
you'd be like, "Fuck that!"
And you would run.
You'd run.
You'd be like,
"Oh, it's just a horse
with a weapon on its head."
Which is what
a giant penis is.
The only difference is
unicorns are white.
Um...
Who in here
has had an encounter
with a mind-blowingly
huge penis?
Oh, my God, wait.
You should see how sad
all the guys look right now.
Just a sea of sad faces.
Like you, you're like,
"Meredith, I believe she asked
a question. Um..."
Making her clap.
She's like, "I heard her."
Yeah, I think big penises,
they're just, like, superfluous.
It's like a Hummer limo.
You know, they look cool,
but if you can't park it
anywhere, what's the point?
I'm sorry, Amy.
You're allergic to alcohol.
You can never have another drink
for the rest of your life.
Second opinion!
Second opinion!
You can never have
another drink.
You're allergic to alcohol.
Blah, blah, blah, if Peyton
stays healthy, blah, blah, blah.
He's the star,
blah, blah, blah.
But Eli, blah, blah, blah.
Backbone, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, Rodgers and
Brady won the blah, blah, blah.
Zone one "D," bro.
Blah, blah, blah.
- Blah, blah, sport, sport.
- Sport, sport.
Sport! Sport!
Sport! Sport! Sport!
Amy! Amy!
You're allergic to alcohol.
You can never have
another drink.
Yiling went back to China.
I do your bikini area today.
Oh. Oh.
It looks like
inside of barbershop vacuum!
I hate you.
Everyone hates you!
Sport! Sport! Sport!
You can never have
another drink.
Give me more wax!
Blah, blah, blah.
Madison for a girl.
Hunter for a boy.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Push present, blah, blah, blah?
Oh, blah, blah,
Ann Taylor Loft, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, natural birth,
blah, blah, blah.
Zero fat?
Zero calories?
And who do we have here?
Excuse me, shoppers.
We will now play
the entire soundtrack
to "Rent" and "Newsies."
Also, Amy is
the prettiest customer
we've ever had in here,
and Hilary Duff is someone
we've had in here.
Amy! It's me, Ron,
your handsome ex-boyfriend.
This is my fiancée, Karen.
We're getting married.
♪ And you will see ♪
♪ That newsboys
sell the paper ♪
♪ Newsboys! ♪
- ♪ Best of all... ♪
- Yes.
One puppy for every newsie.
I went home with
this guy and, um...
and he went down on me
right away
'cause he was raised well.
Uh...
I'm thinking, like,
"Get his mom's e-mail.
She needs a shout-out."
So he's doing that, and then
he kind of gave up eventually
'cause he could see
I was texting.
I'm like, "It's about you."
So...
He kind of presents
his penis.
Like, he's like, here it is.
And I think he thought because
I'm like a substantial gal
that I'd be like,
"That old thing?"
But I was like, "Mom!"
It didn't even register
as a cock.
Like, it just looked like
an animal had latched on,
like, wouldn't let go.
I was like,
"We should call someone!"
Where does that
sleep at night?
Is there a stable?
Like, does that sleep in hay?
So...
I was not excited.
It was all fear.
I was just like, "What?!
No!"
And I know
I should've been excited.
I should've been taking
Instagram pics with it.
Like, "Huh?!"
"Unh-unh!"
Like fun, possible
holiday photos, right?
I was, like,
getting myself psyched.
I'm like, "Come on, bitch.
You played volleyball
in high school.
You did that
5K run/walk once.
You...
...can do this."
And he was
getting weirded out
'cause I was saying
all this out loud.
So, I was like,
"Who am I kidding?
I'm gonna sleep
with this guy.
What am I, a war hero?"
So...
So I was like,
"Do you have a condom?"
And he was like, "No."
And I was like,
"Way to call me on my bluff.
You know I don't care."
It really takes the wind
out of your sails
for a guy to be like, "Nope."
And you're like,
"All right."
This haircut is a disaster!
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer, okay?
I'm gonna shut
this entire operation down.
- Oh, God.
- I'm so sorry.
- I didn't see you.
- No, it's fine, I'm sorry.
Let me help you.
T-This is mine.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
Uh, this is weird.
I never do this, but...
I love your hair.
Oh, really?
No.
I think it's
the most amazing hairdo
I've ever seen in my life.
What would you even call
a shape like that?
Oh, I... A circle?
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I see that now.
A hair circle.
Huh, well,
I guess I love hair circles.
Who knew?
Life is so full of lessons
and surprises.
Um, do you want to grab coffee
or something?
Uh, yes.
Yes, I would.
- Okay.
- Great.
- I'm... I'm Amy.
- Oh, it's nice to meet you.
I can't believe
you like my perm.
I was really mad about it.
Oh, wow.
Cool dog.
Is that a permanent dog?
What?
Come here.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Hi! You're the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen in my life.
Yes, you are.
I love your hair circle.
Does he go to
a salon to get this done?
Look at the golden light
on you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I love you.
And he's, like,
really, really hot.
So, what's the catch?
I think he may only
be interested in me
because I have this perm.
You're being crazy.
I don't know.
So then I said,
"You, sir,
may sit on my face."
And then what did
your perm say, Angie?
What?
I mean, what did
your dad say, perm-perm?
Yeah, no...
He's only interested in you
because of your perm.
Also, I think he thinks
your name is Angie.
He definitely thinks
my name is Angie.
What should I do?
He's really hot.
I know!
This is my favorite part
of the park.
So beautiful.
Angie...
My life has changed since
the day I ran into you
and your perm.
And I think it's time
that you and I became...
...permanent.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Huh?
Oh, baby.
Oh, my God!
What the hell?!
- What's wrong?
- What happened?!
- What, my hair?
- Yes!
It grows out.
What's wrong with you?
- It's called a permanent.
- They just call it that.
- It's so fucked up!
- Wait, what?!
God, it's so fucking ugly!
- No!
- No!
Aaah!
What's wrong
with you?
Aah! Oh, no!
- My head!
- I'm so sorry. Come here.
- No!
- Give me the fucking ring.
No!
Cliff,
are you coming back?
Pe-e-e-rm!
We tried to have sex.
We tried.
And it didn't work at all.
It didn't fit.
It was like...
Did you see that Winnie the Pooh
where he eats too much honey
and he gets stuck in his door?
No?
You guys had joyless childhoods?
Okay.
It was like a truck getting
stuck in the Holland Tunnel.
That's what it was like.
And I see your faces.
Like, I'm not trying
to make it sound
like I have some
dainty, tea-drinking vagina,
just like this just thimble of
a "Downton Abbey"-watching,
summering-in-the-Vineyard pussy.
Like, no.
In that example,
it was the Holland Tunnel.
It's accurate.
Costs about $12. Uh...
Lot of guys from Jersey
have been in it. Um...
Babe, can we watch
something else?
- I hate these movies.
- Why?
'Cause I... I fart
when I get scared.
See?
Oh, come on, it's cute.
No. It's gross.
Oh, my God,
this really annoys me.
These dumb girls always bring
their cellphones
with them to hide.
The killer hears it.
That's how they get caught.
God.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
- Do you want another beer?
- Yeah, I'll take one.
- You want me to pause it?
- No.
Oh, my God, baby,
you scared me.
Jake! Jake!
No, no, no!
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up.
911 emergency.
This is Karen.
You see these damn kids?
Tell you, I'm sick of
these prank calls.
But, no, it didn't fit.
It didn't work.
I was like packing up my wares,
you know...
"Good luck
in all your endeavors.
Follow me on Twitter"...
leaving.
He couldn't believe
I was leaving.
He's like, "Don't you
want to keep trying?"
I was like, "No."
I was like, "Why,
so I can walk around New York
with my new gaping vagina,
just?"
"Hey!
What?
No, I just had a good weekend.
Hey!"
Picking up my NuvaRing
off the subway platform.
Like, "Uh..."
"Did anyone see where it rolled?
Uh..."
A rat's wearing it
like a crown.
I'm like, "Wait!
Wait."
The saddest version
of "The Nutcracker."
So, Karim,
you have a huge penis.
Yes.
Um, at what age
did you realize
that your penis was bigger
than other people's?
I was watching
a television show, um,
a.k.a. A triple-X movie.
A television show!
You're watching porn. Okay.
And I noticed that mine
was the same size
as a grown man.
And how old were you?
I was in my teens.
I was probably like 14.
What word do you say?
I say, like, penis,
or cock if I'm
feeling comfortable.
I have the name
Mr. Manhattan, so...
Do you call your penis
Mr. Manhattan?
Mr. Manhattan.
It's a star.
It sounds like a star.
Have you ever been nervous
for a girl to see,
or are you always
pretty excited?
I've heard, "Wow!"
You know what I mean?
- You know? Yeah, yeah.
- "Hey!" That kind of a?
Yeah, you could hit a high...
♪ Hoooooo ♪
Oh, wow. So people find the Lord
in your underwear.
Doves will release... Pigeons
will release into the air.
You changed it from doves
to pigeons? You downsized it?
Have you ever
showed it to a girl
and she just started crying?
No.
Do you want to see
if that happens right now?
No, just kidding.
Does it take you longer
to jerk off than other guys?
Jerk-off chronicles, um,
ended in my earlier stages.
You never jerk off?
No, not now, no.
Why? Is it too hard?
You need like a team of experts
to come in?
- Well...
- They're like, "Heave-ho!"
What's going on
with your balls?
Are they...
Are they bigger?
Um, it's perfect, actually.
You know what I mean?
It's like, um,
a hot dog with two meatballs,
you know what I mean?
That doesn't sound perfect.
They're fantastic.
My balls are fantastic.
I do not doubt that.
What are their names?
Hoboken and Secaucus?
Do you get excited
when you find out
a girl has a big pussy?
No.
- No?
- Yeah, that doesn't excite me.
You're not like, "Oh, you're
finally gonna go home"?
You know?
You don't say like, "Oh, we
found a place for you, boy"?
Um, have you ever tried anal?
And where is she buried?
That's hilarious.
Pe-e-e-rm!
What's in this?
Fresh fruit.
He's looking right in
the lens, into Furmanski's soul.
Oh!
Ripped By mstoll
a porn link this morning.
Like, you know, my friend and I
will send each other porn
once in a while.
Just, you know, if it's good,
or if one of the guys
looks like one of our dads
or something fun, just...
You know,
we're having a friendship.
I don't know. I've just never
really been into porn.
I mean, the idea of people
getting paid to have sex,
it's just...
It's awful.
It's never ever turned me on.
Totally.
Like, I hear you.
But trust me, this is...
It's just different.
It's not like porny porn.
It's...
It feels like real sex.
It just happens to be,
literally,
from the woman's
point of view.
- I'm curious, I guess.
- Yeah.
Oh...
Oh...
Move down.
Move down, move down. Move down.
- Ow, you're on my hair.
- Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Did you ever see
that movie "Spanglish"?
What?
Call me Adam Sandler.
Can you... Can you move your...
bend your leg back more?
No.
Oh. All right.
Sorry.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
Ohh!
Oh!
Ohh. Ohh.
Don't, don't,
don't, don't, don't.
Okay.
Got a $75 bld now?
At $75.
Did you show me this so I would
think guys were gross
and I would lez out with you?
It worked.
Ripped By mstoll
Do you think there's, like,
a porn they can make for women
that would be more appealing?
Bottomless guys vacuuming.
I don't know.
'Cause they're cleaning up.
Trashy porn is so gross.
I thought you were
gonna say "trapeze,"
but I'm glad
you said "trashy."
I generally don't watch porn.
You liar.
No one believed you.
That car is honking
at what a liar you are.
I had an encounter with
a huge cock this past year.
Are you excited about it?
'Cause I wasn't.
It was...
A huge penis,
I think it's like a unicorn.
Like in theory, you're like,
"Yes!
I would love to see
a unicorn up close.
Yes."
But if a unicorn was actually
standing in front of you,
you'd be like, "Fuck that!"
And you would run.
You'd run.
You'd be like,
"Oh, it's just a horse
with a weapon on its head."
Which is what
a giant penis is.
The only difference is
unicorns are white.
Um...
Who in here
has had an encounter
with a mind-blowingly
huge penis?
Oh, my God, wait.
You should see how sad
all the guys look right now.
Just a sea of sad faces.
Like you, you're like,
"Meredith, I believe she asked
a question. Um..."
Making her clap.
She's like, "I heard her."
Yeah, I think big penises,
they're just, like, superfluous.
It's like a Hummer limo.
You know, they look cool,
but if you can't park it
anywhere, what's the point?
I'm sorry, Amy.
You're allergic to alcohol.
You can never have another drink
for the rest of your life.
Second opinion!
Second opinion!
You can never have
another drink.
You're allergic to alcohol.
Blah, blah, blah, if Peyton
stays healthy, blah, blah, blah.
He's the star,
blah, blah, blah.
But Eli, blah, blah, blah.
Backbone, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, Rodgers and
Brady won the blah, blah, blah.
Zone one "D," bro.
Blah, blah, blah.
- Blah, blah, sport, sport.
- Sport, sport.
Sport! Sport!
Sport! Sport! Sport!
Amy! Amy!
You're allergic to alcohol.
You can never have
another drink.
Yiling went back to China.
I do your bikini area today.
Oh. Oh.
It looks like
inside of barbershop vacuum!
I hate you.
Everyone hates you!
Sport! Sport! Sport!
You can never have
another drink.
Give me more wax!
Blah, blah, blah.
Madison for a girl.
Hunter for a boy.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Push present, blah, blah, blah?
Oh, blah, blah,
Ann Taylor Loft, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, natural birth,
blah, blah, blah.
Zero fat?
Zero calories?
And who do we have here?
Excuse me, shoppers.
We will now play
the entire soundtrack
to "Rent" and "Newsies."
Also, Amy is
the prettiest customer
we've ever had in here,
and Hilary Duff is someone
we've had in here.
Amy! It's me, Ron,
your handsome ex-boyfriend.
This is my fiancée, Karen.
We're getting married.
♪ And you will see ♪
♪ That newsboys
sell the paper ♪
♪ Newsboys! ♪
- ♪ Best of all... ♪
- Yes.
One puppy for every newsie.
I went home with
this guy and, um...
and he went down on me
right away
'cause he was raised well.
Uh...
I'm thinking, like,
"Get his mom's e-mail.
She needs a shout-out."
So he's doing that, and then
he kind of gave up eventually
'cause he could see
I was texting.
I'm like, "It's about you."
So...
He kind of presents
his penis.
Like, he's like, here it is.
And I think he thought because
I'm like a substantial gal
that I'd be like,
"That old thing?"
But I was like, "Mom!"
It didn't even register
as a cock.
Like, it just looked like
an animal had latched on,
like, wouldn't let go.
I was like,
"We should call someone!"
Where does that
sleep at night?
Is there a stable?
Like, does that sleep in hay?
So...
I was not excited.
It was all fear.
I was just like, "What?!
No!"
And I know
I should've been excited.
I should've been taking
Instagram pics with it.
Like, "Huh?!"
"Unh-unh!"
Like fun, possible
holiday photos, right?
I was, like,
getting myself psyched.
I'm like, "Come on, bitch.
You played volleyball
in high school.
You did that
5K run/walk once.
You...
...can do this."
And he was
getting weirded out
'cause I was saying
all this out loud.
So, I was like,
"Who am I kidding?
I'm gonna sleep
with this guy.
What am I, a war hero?"
So...
So I was like,
"Do you have a condom?"
And he was like, "No."
And I was like,
"Way to call me on my bluff.
You know I don't care."
It really takes the wind
out of your sails
for a guy to be like, "Nope."
And you're like,
"All right."
This haircut is a disaster!
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer, okay?
I'm gonna shut
this entire operation down.
- Oh, God.
- I'm so sorry.
- I didn't see you.
- No, it's fine, I'm sorry.
Let me help you.
T-This is mine.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
Uh, this is weird.
I never do this, but...
I love your hair.
Oh, really?
No.
I think it's
the most amazing hairdo
I've ever seen in my life.
What would you even call
a shape like that?
Oh, I... A circle?
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I see that now.
A hair circle.
Huh, well,
I guess I love hair circles.
Who knew?
Life is so full of lessons
and surprises.
Um, do you want to grab coffee
or something?
Uh, yes.
Yes, I would.
- Okay.
- Great.
- I'm... I'm Amy.
- Oh, it's nice to meet you.
I can't believe
you like my perm.
I was really mad about it.
Oh, wow.
Cool dog.
Is that a permanent dog?
What?
Come here.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Hi! You're the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen in my life.
Yes, you are.
I love your hair circle.
Does he go to
a salon to get this done?
Look at the golden light
on you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I love you.
And he's, like,
really, really hot.
So, what's the catch?
I think he may only
be interested in me
because I have this perm.
You're being crazy.
I don't know.
So then I said,
"You, sir,
may sit on my face."
And then what did
your perm say, Angie?
What?
I mean, what did
your dad say, perm-perm?
Yeah, no...
He's only interested in you
because of your perm.
Also, I think he thinks
your name is Angie.
He definitely thinks
my name is Angie.
What should I do?
He's really hot.
I know!
This is my favorite part
of the park.
So beautiful.
Angie...
My life has changed since
the day I ran into you
and your perm.
And I think it's time
that you and I became...
...permanent.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Huh?
Oh, baby.
Oh, my God!
What the hell?!
- What's wrong?
- What happened?!
- What, my hair?
- Yes!
It grows out.
What's wrong with you?
- It's called a permanent.
- They just call it that.
- It's so fucked up!
- Wait, what?!
God, it's so fucking ugly!
- No!
- No!
Aaah!
What's wrong
with you?
Aah! Oh, no!
- My head!
- I'm so sorry. Come here.
- No!
- Give me the fucking ring.
No!
Cliff,
are you coming back?
Pe-e-e-rm!
We tried to have sex.
We tried.
And it didn't work at all.
It didn't fit.
It was like...
Did you see that Winnie the Pooh
where he eats too much honey
and he gets stuck in his door?
No?
You guys had joyless childhoods?
Okay.
It was like a truck getting
stuck in the Holland Tunnel.
That's what it was like.
And I see your faces.
Like, I'm not trying
to make it sound
like I have some
dainty, tea-drinking vagina,
just like this just thimble of
a "Downton Abbey"-watching,
summering-in-the-Vineyard pussy.
Like, no.
In that example,
it was the Holland Tunnel.
It's accurate.
Costs about $12. Uh...
Lot of guys from Jersey
have been in it. Um...
Babe, can we watch
something else?
- I hate these movies.
- Why?
'Cause I... I fart
when I get scared.
See?
Oh, come on, it's cute.
No. It's gross.
Oh, my God,
this really annoys me.
These dumb girls always bring
their cellphones
with them to hide.
The killer hears it.
That's how they get caught.
God.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
- Do you want another beer?
- Yeah, I'll take one.
- You want me to pause it?
- No.
Oh, my God, baby,
you scared me.
Jake! Jake!
No, no, no!
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up.
911 emergency.
This is Karen.
You see these damn kids?
Tell you, I'm sick of
these prank calls.
But, no, it didn't fit.
It didn't work.
I was like packing up my wares,
you know...
"Good luck
in all your endeavors.
Follow me on Twitter"...
leaving.
He couldn't believe
I was leaving.
He's like, "Don't you
want to keep trying?"
I was like, "No."
I was like, "Why,
so I can walk around New York
with my new gaping vagina,
just?"
"Hey!
What?
No, I just had a good weekend.
Hey!"
Picking up my NuvaRing
off the subway platform.
Like, "Uh..."
"Did anyone see where it rolled?
Uh..."
A rat's wearing it
like a crown.
I'm like, "Wait!
Wait."
The saddest version
of "The Nutcracker."
So, Karim,
you have a huge penis.
Yes.
Um, at what age
did you realize
that your penis was bigger
than other people's?
I was watching
a television show, um,
a.k.a. A triple-X movie.
A television show!
You're watching porn. Okay.
And I noticed that mine
was the same size
as a grown man.
And how old were you?
I was in my teens.
I was probably like 14.
What word do you say?
I say, like, penis,
or cock if I'm
feeling comfortable.
I have the name
Mr. Manhattan, so...
Do you call your penis
Mr. Manhattan?
Mr. Manhattan.
It's a star.
It sounds like a star.
Have you ever been nervous
for a girl to see,
or are you always
pretty excited?
I've heard, "Wow!"
You know what I mean?
- You know? Yeah, yeah.
- "Hey!" That kind of a?
Yeah, you could hit a high...
♪ Hoooooo ♪
Oh, wow. So people find the Lord
in your underwear.
Doves will release... Pigeons
will release into the air.
You changed it from doves
to pigeons? You downsized it?
Have you ever
showed it to a girl
and she just started crying?
No.
Do you want to see
if that happens right now?
No, just kidding.
Does it take you longer
to jerk off than other guys?
Jerk-off chronicles, um,
ended in my earlier stages.
You never jerk off?
No, not now, no.
Why? Is it too hard?
You need like a team of experts
to come in?
- Well...
- They're like, "Heave-ho!"
What's going on
with your balls?
Are they...
Are they bigger?
Um, it's perfect, actually.
You know what I mean?
It's like, um,
a hot dog with two meatballs,
you know what I mean?
That doesn't sound perfect.
They're fantastic.
My balls are fantastic.
I do not doubt that.
What are their names?
Hoboken and Secaucus?
Do you get excited
when you find out
a girl has a big pussy?
No.
- No?
- Yeah, that doesn't excite me.
You're not like, "Oh, you're
finally gonna go home"?
You know?
You don't say like, "Oh, we
found a place for you, boy"?
Um, have you ever tried anal?
And where is she buried?
That's hilarious.
Pe-e-e-rm!
What's in this?
Fresh fruit.
He's looking right in
the lens, into Furmanski's soul.
Oh!
Ripped By mstoll