Insecure (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Messy as Fuck - full transcript

Do you want your man or not?

Do you know your plans or not?

You gonna go back home or not?

You gonna claim your throne or not?

Is you Khaleesi or that other bitch...

Whose name I don't remember

Issa!

I'm hungry, let's go!

Okay!

Wait a minute,

so you're trying to tell me
that you went all the way to Daniel's house



and nothing happened?

Like, at all?

I didn't even go inside.

Hold the fuck up!

You got on stage and went all Dej Nope
about my broken pussy for nothing?

Like, all that drama for zero dick?

- Bitch, you buggin'.
- It wasn't for nothing, though.

Like, it wasn't even about Daniel.

It was about me.

Like, I became someone else up there.

You know, it was, like, brave me.

It was "no fucks" me.
And I wanna be that person.

You used to be that person.

All freestylin',
drunk-in-my-backseat and shit.



- So, what, you trying to be a rapper now?
- No!

L just wanna not be scared
to do shit anymore.

Well, you know what?
That sounds real cool, real noble,

but can you just leave my shit out of it?

- You right.
- Okay, thank you.

And, you know, I'm really sorry
for saying your pussy's broken.

- You know, I was just talking.
- No, no, no, shut up.

You was right, my pussy is broken,
and I need to take better care of her.

So, I'm gonna get her a tune-up.

A tune-up? Like, she needs her oil changed?

Like, your pussy gonna pass
a smog check or...

Shut the fuck up.

- I'ma get her fixed.
- How, Sway?

I'm making today Molly Maintenance Day.

I'ma get my hair done, nails done,
everything did.

Like a fancy day!

Basically, yeah.

If I'm feeling fancy and well
taken care of, so will she.

- That makes sense.
- Right?

Yo, lssa, you got Lawrence calling me now.

What? Just ignore it.

Hello, you've reached
the voice mailbox for Molly Carter.

Please leave a message.

Watch him, watch him, now watch him.

- That's what's happening.
- Watch him, watch him.

It's 11-8 right now, man.

- Yo, it's Renee.
- Rence!

- About time.
- Yo!

Hey, who all is there?

Fast Mike and Brandon. Where you at?

Man, Pasadena is far as fuck.

Nigga, it's only, like, four freeways.

- Grab me a Guinness, B.
- I got you.

Yo, bro, Fast Mike got fat as fuck.

I wanna call him Slow Mike,
but you know how sensitive that nigga gets.

What's good with you, man?

Shit is up right now, money.

I sold a house to Tyga earlier, man.

I was starstruck,
tap dancing for his ass and shit.

That nigga swole as fuck.
Commission was crazy.

- That's cool.
- What's up with you, man?

How's that new project going,
Whoop-Dee-Whoop?

- It's Whoop-Whoop.
- What I say?

I'm still working on my business plan, man.

Plus, you know,
there's so many apps out there now,

it's hard to break into the market.

Am I going too broad,
do I need to be more specific?

It's just a lot, you know?

Cool, cool. That's what's up, man.

Hey, I'ma be selling you a house soon, fam.

- How are you and old girl?
- Issa's cool.

She...

I kind of fucked up her birthday, man.

Oh, damn, man, you gotta fix that.

But other than that, you good, right?

Actually, man, I was calling
'cause I just wanted to...

Oh, shit, this motherfucker
hit a three, bro.

Hey, man, let me finish
the rest of this game.

I'ma shout at you, all right?

Yeah, all right. All right, cool.

You getting a pedicure?

I probably should.

Girl.

Lawrence ever suck your toes?

Once, but it made us both uncomfortable.

He was sucking on your big old man feet?

Girl, I tell ya, that nigga is the one.

Or someone else might be.

What are you talking about?
I like Lawrence.

Bitch, I love him.

But... I mean, maybe I'm not satisfied.

You know, maybe I wanna be
clicked down properly.

You know, maybe I wanna be
face down, ass up,

surrounded by foreign freaks, you know?

Maybe I wanna ask a nigga
what he wants for breakfast

and he replies, "That pussy,"

and he's talking about me, girl.

- You know?
- I can't with you.

You don't know.

I'm just saying

Lawrence hasn't put it down
in a very long time, okay?

And maybe I need to get on
one of those apps like you, girl.

Girl, calm your deprived ass down.

- You are not about this app life.
- Try me.

Bitch, I'm not gonna sign up.
I just wanna see what's out there.

All right. You asked for it.

Check it, that's OKCupid.

It's free, so it's, like,
bottom-of-the-barrel dudes.

I bought a bunch of new movies
at the barbershop.

Bootleg and chill?

Tinder used to be cool,

but now it's basically a fuck app.

So, what are you in the mood for?

We could ditch the menus
and have our own dinner for two.

I'll be six, you be nine.

Hinge at least pulls
from your network of friends,

but, apparently, all my friends
only know Hotep niggas.

No.

I just want a queen that respects herself,

who lays off the swine,

who stands beside her king
like a strong black woman should.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But my queen gotta be a freak, too.

I fucked that nigga 'cause he was fine.

But then, he had the nerve to dump me,

'cause I told him
I never went to the beach till college.

Nigga, you sell Obama puzzles
at the African marketplace

and you gonna judge me?

You grew up in LA and you never went
to the beach?

Okay, Windsor Hills, I was a hood rat.

All I knew was Florence and Crenshaw.
Whatever, I am still fly.

Basically, most of these dudes
are not looking for a relationship.

They're just trying to fuck.

- Really?
- Yep.

I mean, I just wanna up
the quality of dudes that I meet.

There's this one app called The League.
It's for elite dating.

Like, girl, you gotta be
a professional just to get in.

I mean, I've been on,
like, a three-month waiting list.

Three months? To meet one nigga?

Yeah, this is a lot.

You gotta fuck a lot of frogs
to get a good frog.

That's not the saying, or any saying.

The point is, it's a numbers game.
Check it.

I'm going on a date with
this frog tomorrow.

He could be different.

You never know.

So, what we doing next?

I gotta get my hair done
and then something else.

What?

It's a vagacial appointment.

It's, like, a facial for your vagina.

I said everything did.

I saw it on Draya's Instagram.

I mean, you could roll if you want to.

Fuck! I guess I'll go home and deal
with this motherfucking relationship.

You should write Hallmark cards.

Bitch, shut up.

- I'll see you later.
- Go handle your man, girl.

Do you know who you are?
You're the bossiest bitch.

You're a grown-ass woman
like Solange's sis.

You're gonna take control like Janet
or lose control like Missy.

The decision is yours,
boss up or be a pussy.

No.

If you're reading this, it's your birthday

We're gonna sip champagne like we...

Thanks, man.

- Issa.
- Lawrence?

Where have you been?
I've been calling you.

I had... You know,
I had my phone on airplane mode.

What the fuck?

- I'm just buying...
- You're buying panties?

Why you being all loud?

Why are you buying a six pack?

It's cheaper and it's not
like it's the cute kind.

Wait, are you not coming home?

Lawrence, I'm not ready
to talk about this right now.

No, no. No, no, no.

You can't keep ignoring me, lssa.
I wanna talk!

Lawrence, we are not about to be
the black couple fighting in Rite Aid.

Okay, listen, I know that this is
about your birthday, okay? But...

This is not even about my birthday.

- See? You don't even...
- I don't even what?

I can't do this right now.

- I'm sorry, I gotta go.
- Wait, lssa!

Lawrence, wait.

Can I get your Rite Aid
card for the discount?

Come on, man.

I men and women.

I got two bitches waiting on me outside

and two counts of murder on my head

that they know about.

And I ain't sorry.

Girl, hey! Look at you.

How was your vagacial?

This bitch blew bubbles at me.
My pussy is still broken.

At least I have an icebreaker
for my date tomorrow night.

But what are you still doing here?

I thought Miss No Fucks was going home.

Can I stay one more night?

Flavor Flav said yes already.

Issa, what's going on?
Why are you avoiding Lawrence?

I kissed Daniel.

But it was, like... It was, like...

And then it was... And
then it was finished.

Bitch, I knew it with your old lying ass.

Okay, I did not lie because, technically,
I did not go inside or fuck him.

That's a sound defense.

And I saw Lawrence,
and, girl, he just doesn't get it.

And I don't know what to do, and I'm tired.

Stay as long as you need.

Thank you.

And just so we're clear,
I'm still Miss No Fucks.

It's a whole process. It's a thing, so...

Yeah.

How's your presentation going?

Girl, I got too much on my mind, okay?

I am about to just wing this shit,
"no fucks" style.

And these white people,
they're not even gonna know the difference.

They're not gonna know.

You're so stupid.

Can I borrow some clothes
for work tomorrow?

Boy, bye. Nope.

Blazer twins.

Look at that.

Hey, I'm so glad you came in early.

So, about our youth...
Your youth outreach initiative...

Did you get my e-mail?

No, I had a lot to do this weekend.

Well, I don't wanna step on your toes,

but I spoke to some of the teachers
at Thomas Jefferson,

and it turns out the students
have a high interest in sports.

Sports? That's not exactly
outside of what they know

and don't you think that's
extremely limiting?

No, I hear you. That is
sadly stereotypical.

But to your general point

about exposing them
to new and untraditional things,

what about partnering with USC

for sports like lacrosse,
water polo or even real polo?

I don't...

Culturally speaking, I just...

It's crippling for inner-city kids

to rely solely on sports
to achieve success, you know?

That's true.

Well, my other idea was to take them
to different neighborhoods

and to do a community cleanup.

You mean, take a bunch of black kids

and have them clean up the streets
like a chain gang.

That's the whitest shit you've ever said!

You know, community service is cool,
but I think I found my stride.

- I got this.
- Okay.

- Thank you, though.
- Thank you.

Guys, I've been doing this a long time,

but I still get excited
when my staff takes initiative

to maximize their impact in the classroom.

Issa, Freida, the floor is yours.

Thank you, Joanne.

So, the kids
of Thomas Jefferson Middle School

are stagnant because
they don't know what else is out there.

So, my idea is to expose them

to the arts around Los Angeles.

Which arts?

All of them.

Are you referring to, like,
visual arts, theatrical arts,

or did you really just mean the arts?

What I'm asking is, is that it?

- No, that's...
- that's not it.

If they're interested in painting and
sculpture, we can take them to The Broad.

If they like music,
we can take them to the Hollywood Bowl.

There's the Watts Towers...

Have you put together a budget on this?
That sounds expensive.

It does, right?

No, I was gonna
get people excited about it first

and then, I was gonna
take a stab at the budget.

A stab?

So, you have really no idea
how much this is gonna cost at all?

This sounds like a whole lot of work
for very little benefit.

I see where you're going with this,

but have you thought about the risk factors,
the execution, how's it mission-driven?

The mission would be... Help me.

We were also considering
a community service component

- which I...
- Not yet, Freida.

- This is Issa's idea. Let her finish.
- Okay.

Yeah, no, a community service component
could also be included...

Culturally, I'm just, like...

Wouldn't they rather go
to an African-American museum

or, like, a Latino museum

and just see how much more grateful
other generations were?

Oh, my God,
what about Hip-hop Shakespeare?

The kids would love Othello.

An interracial romance.

What about a drum circle?

That really helps with aggression.

I took an African dance class in high school,
so I could do mask work with the kids...

We watch Lemonade...

And then we go to Lemonade and we eat.

You eat good food that's good for you,
and we see art.

And then afterwards,
we can have, like, a big feast,

like, an African feast afterwards...

Can I have a few minutes, please?

Everyone, let's reconvene
at the end of the day.

Yes, but when the plaintiff took this job,
he signed a waiver

that completely indemnifies our client
of any and all risks

associated with operating heavy machinery.

You are so fucking smart.

I'll keep reviewing
the employment contract.

Sorry to interrupt.

- Hey.
- Molly, good points today.

Thank you 'cause, you know,
actually, I was...

Diane, I never got a chance
to formally congratulate you

on your engagement.

Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Wedding planning is the most stressful.

My wife and I went crazy.

Are you going crazy yet?

You know, I'm going crazy
with all this work we have to do.

Oh, my God, I haven't even
thought about the wedding yet, you guys.

It's, like, only been a few days.

Did you see the ring?

- Well, there it is. Well...
- It's a princess cut.

- That is a diamond.
- Look at mine.

Come in.

Hey-

So, I'm sorry
about the presentation today.

- I know you were expecting more.
- I was.

And I just wanna let you know

that I am fully committed to and invested
in We Got Y'all. I just had a lot...

Let me stop you right there.

You're not.

Sorry?

I hired you because I saw someone
who wanted to make a difference.

You seemed passionate at first,

but I've noticed you've been on autopilot
for a while now.

If you don't wanna do the work,

if you're no longer invested
in what we're trying to do here,

maybe this isn't the right place for you.

No, it... No, it is!

And you're right.

I wanna be here and I will do better.

The leader who does not take advice
is not a leader.

That's a proverb from Kenya, date unknown.

Okay.

If you're reading this, it's your birthday

We gonna sip champagne like we thirsty

- What up, yo?
- Nothing, yo, I'm good.

So let's have a toast
It's your birthday

Hey, something up?
I ain't seen your girl in a minute.

Y'all good? Shit, you fucked another bitch?

What? No. No.

Talk to me, blood.

Me and Nala was just about to
go watch the Bare Bears.

Care Bears, Daddy.

We don't use no "C" -words, sweetheart.
This is a Blood house.

Are you sure you're bool, man?

I've just been messing up. I started
this business that didn't pan out.

Now I'm watching all my friends
just pass me by.

It's just been frustrating on all levels.

A nigga's stuck?

Yeah.

Yeah, you ain't working,
you ain't providing.

Shit, you probably ain't
even putting it down.

- Man, hey.
- Nah, nah, no disrespect.

You love your girl and shit, right?

Yeah, I do, I just...

I just don't know
how to change things, you know.

Well, hear me out.

I used to be out there fucking bitches,
being inconsiderate and shit.

But then when I had Nala, I was like,

what if she meet a nigga like me?

I even tried to make it work with her moms,
but her moms is a H-O-E.

- So F-U-C-K her B-I-T-C-H A-S-S.
- Hey, hey!

I gotta spell fast. She is so smart.

She know her ABBs and shit.

Daddy's little Einstein?

Daddy's little Einstein.

Anyway, bling your shit up, blood.

Hey, and if it don't
work out, I got bitches.

Cool.

Bool.

I completely forgot
about the surveys these kids did.

Yeah, well, they were
still in sealed envelopes.

Voice of the children.

You believe this? It's so telling.

And you were right, they did mostly list
basketball and football in their interests.

Mostly spelled wrong, but still.

They wanna be part of a team.

Or they wanna take it out the hood.

Look at this question.

"What is something you'd like
We Got Y'all to do next year?"

- This is sad.
- "Take us to the Crenshaw mall."

"Go to Benihana's."

"Dave & Buster's."

"Stand in line for Jordans."

These kids can't even imagine
past the 10 freeway.

No, I'm not laughing at...

- That's sad.
- It's sad.

No, my friend grew up around here,

and she was talking about how
she never went to the beach until college.

No way. Ls she okay?

Yeah, she's fine. She's a lawyer, but...

Okay.

I don't know, what if we just took
these kids to the beach to start?

You know, we could even do
your service idea and make it a...

Beach cleanup.

Word twins.

Hello.

It's becoming our thing.

No, look,

hands down, the worst dating experience
I've had, Coffee Meets Bagel.

Wait, worse than OKCupid?

Listen, I've never had
so many women eyeing my shoe size

and asking me, "So, are the rumors true?"

Wait, about your...

Yeah, white girls have no shame.

So you mostly date white girls?

Not at all, I just went through this period
where black women weren't feeling me.

- Now I know you lying.
- No. No, no, listen.

You're the first black woman
who's responded to me in a minute.

I don't know what it is.

- Really?
- Really.

You two okay?

You want some more wine
or are you in a rush?

Sure, no rush here.

Can we have your Argentinian Malbec?

- Okay.
- Thanks, man.

- You're gonna like this. Yeah.
- Am I?

Am I gonna like it like
I like your chicken?

I mean, you know...

- I mean, just a taste!
- You got pasta.

- This was fun.
- Yeah.

You wanna grab some coffee?

Definitely.

You trying to fuck, though?

- You motherfucker.
- All right.

You think that just 'cause you know
some fancy wine-speak

I'm just supposed to let you take me home?

What, three glasses of Spanish wine
means we fuck?

Malbec's Argentinian, but...

I spent all this time
trying to make sure that my pussy is fixed,

but it turns out you are just like
every other single asshole out here.

I didn't break my pussy,
niggas like you broke my pussy.

So, I'm home. You still the same nigga?

Yep, but who else you gonna be with?

I got options, nigga. I got options.

So, you ready to talk now?

You ready to man up now?

You wasn't expecting that?

That was good. That was, like, pow.

What's my mama gonna say
about us breaking up?

I don't give a shit about your mama, nigga!

She's really nice.

Where'd you put all my shit?

In a box to the left.

It's like a jungle sometimes, nigga.

So, you know I'm gonna take all my DVDs.

Don't nobody wants
your Steve Harvey box set.

You know I'm still working
on my business plan.

I got a plan, start the business.

Nigga, how 'bout that?

Bitch, you know I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, broken pussy!

Jared.

Right, right.

What's up? You got a little

something all over your face.

Okay, so you got jokes.

Somebody who runs out of a club
and don't say good-bye.

Yeah.

Who is this?

That's Flavor Flav.

You should get a Doberman
and name him Chuck D.

- Thank you. I try.
- Very clever.

Did a little something.

Got an interview with a
headhunter tomorrow.

That's great.

I shouldn't have ignored you today.

Thug Yoda spelled an entire sentence today.

For real?

That's brazy.