Insecure (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Racist as Fuck - full transcript

I was gonna read.

Sorry.

I mean, I... I could just
go in the living room.

No, no, it's cool. I could
just sleep with the light on.

I can just go to bed, too.

I'm good.

Sorry. Your hands are cold.

Oh, my bad.

Probably all the snow cones I made.

Snow cones? What?

No, I was... I was just making a joke,



or thought I was.

Good night.

Look, I've heard everything
you said and I'm trying.

I really want this to work.

It's just... it's really frustrating

because I don't know
what I'm doing wrong.

You've only been job
hunting for two weeks.

I know, but I thought the
last interview went well.

I mean, the VP went to Georgetown,
too. They had a ton of questions.

Mostly about the gaps in your
resume. They are tough to explain.

Look, I just need to get
back on my feet, okay?

I can't keep living off unemployment.

Well, if you're pressed for income,

you might need to take a step back.



- How far back?
- Something entry-level.

Or maybe hourly like tech support.

No!

Elise, why would I do that?
I'm still getting interviews.

You are. I'm just saying
it could take a while.

It's fine.

No, if it's the perfect job...

I can wait.

I keep telling Ashley
we have a kid on the way.

- It's not the time to add a deck.
- Oh, come on.

You just got that big-white-guy bonus.

Hey, how'd you find out about those?

Look, we got a new black law intern.

Okay, now.

I don't see color.

I just see someone who's
gonna fetch me coffee.

Hey, I'll catch up
with you in just a bit.

- Okay, see you.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi!

I'm Molly, one of the
third-year associates.

Look at you! I like
seeing us in high places, girl.

Well, thank you so much.

But listen, I know everything
is super new right now,

so if you ever need
anything, I can help.

Thanks... Molly.

- Yeah.
- I appreciate it.

- And...?
- Rasheeda.

But you can call me Dada, girl.

Okay. Da... okay.

You know what, let me
check on the head count

and I will get back
to you with a number.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Bye.

Well, I think Issa is just in
over her head with Beach Day.

Can she even plan something like this?

Do they even have bus
parking at the beach?

- I mean those...
- I know.

Every time we go to the
beach, it's a nightmare.

- Is the weather good?
- The sand, the noisy children.

The kind of organization that
goes into stuff like this...

- Hey, guys.
- Issa, hey!

Hey, how's Beach Day going?

How are you doing? Are you so stressed?

I would be so stressed.
Like, so stressed.

It's great. Thank you.

- Well, awesome.
- We are really looking forward to it.

The kids are gonna have so much fun!

- Turnt up at the beach!
- Cute shoes, by the way.

So flattering.

Hey, Frieda, do you have a sec?

I have all the secs you
need. Nope. I heard it. Yep?

Were you guys discussing Beach Day?

It's no big deal.

We were just talking, and a few
of the others had some concerns.

Are they concerns that they
couldn't talk to me about?

I'm sure they could've,

but they just emailed me

to double check a couple little things.

Wait, so there were emails, too?

I... I wasn't cc'd.

They didn't wanna seem like
they were questioning your judgment.

But they weren't sure how you'd react.

But everyone knows this is your event

and I assured them that
you have everything covered.

You're like a toupee.

I'll see you later.

They're having secret white meetings

and they're sending secret white emails.

I made one mistake
during my presentation

and they lost all faith in me.

You know, now I'm the
black girl who fucked up.

And white people at my
job fuck up all the time!

They didn't say shit to Caleb when he
had the kids make those racist puppets.

Where are those emails? I
didn't get shit in my inbox.

- Look, did you talk to Joanne about it?
- No.

'Cause then I'll look too sensitive.

So fucking unfair.

I know, but, hey, you just gotta
work extra hard to prove them wrong.

Yeah.

I'm about to plan the fuck
out of Beach Day, though.

- I know that.
- There you go.

Those kids, they're not even
ready for the ocean and shit.

- Nope.
- They're about to be swimming with sharks.

They're about to be
slap boxing with seals.

I swear.

Let these white people doubt me again.

I'ma throw a kid in they face.

So, I... I saw the
headhunter again today.

- Oh, yeah? How'd that go?
- It was all right.

She said even though I'm
still getting interviews,

I need to be more open
to entry-level positions,

but I'm not trying to
go backwards, you know?

I mean, she sounds
kind of right, though.

But Elise did just email me

about a possible interview tomorrow.

- That's cool.
- That's all you can say?

- What do you want me to say?
- I...

Look, Iss, I know you've been busy,

but I feel like the last
couple of weeks, like...

I mean, just 'cause I'm back here

doesn't mean everything's all good.

No, okay, I'm not saying
that it's all good.

I knew I should've gotten
something to eat before I got home.

These white people got me all "hangry."

- You want me to go get some food?
- No, thanks.

I told Molly I'd meet
her at this stupid thing.

But you're coming home, right?

Like, don't let me catch
you in the Rite Aid.

Too soon.

It's like, I just want him to
know what he did to get us here.

All right, well, have you told Lawrence

what your issues are with him?

Like, really spelled it out?

Because sometimes when
you're really in it,

it's hard to see shit clearly.

Yeah, but why do I have to be
the one who sees shit so clearly?

You know, I love him,
but it's hard to carry

the emotional weight
and the financial weight.

Like, those are heavy as fuck.

Are you sure it's all on him?

I mean, it does take two
to make it or break it.

Bitch, you eating tacos with him or me?

You right, you right.
You can do no wrong.

Number 42, al pastor.

Yeah!

Yes!

All right, so Jared is
coming through tonight.

Rent-a-Is coming?

Why you clowning just
'cause he work at Enterprise?

- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.

Did I Hertz your feelings?

I hate you.

It was funny.

I just need for you to just gauge to see

if he's giving me friend
vibes or fuck vibes.

You can't tell?

No. Sometimes Jared is hella dodgy.

One day I think he's feeling me,

and the next, I can't read him.

All right, fine.

Guess I'll sort this out for you

just like I did for your gynecologist,

which was friend vibes, by the way.

See? God don't like ugly.

Fuck these tacos!

Issa, you're littering!

- Oh, my God!
- Hey, you!

Skee-wee!

What's up, Iss?

- We're in here.
- Okay.

Oh, shit! Look who dragged in the cats!

Kelli, how did your
drunk ass beat us here?

I wasn't trying to miss open bar again.

You gonna use all your drink
tickets? 'Cause I don't play.

You can have mine. They're
only serving Yellow Tail Shiraz.

And, Molly, I see these Fendis.

I got a problem!

- Converse.
- I got a problem.

I love how you just, like,
don't even care, you know?

Molly, where's this new
boo? Is he coming or not?

Well, he's not a new boo yet.

That's why I just need
y'all to gauge him for me.

You should let us hook
you up with somebody.

Here we go.

Babe, tell her about when we
hooked Kelli up with your coworker.

Okay, bitch, barely.

That white boy took me
apple picking. End of story.

- And then?
- Really?

Fine.

We fucked in the orchard. End of story.

I'm so tired of LA men!

What? What's wrong with dudes from LA?

Shit.

Guys, this is Jared.

- Hey. What's going on, y'all?
- Hello.

- Good to see you again.
- You, too.

- You all know each other?
- We met at an open mic.

Y'all know she was rapping on stage?

- What?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We don't need to talk about
this, guys. Let's not even.

You're telling me this
awkward bitch right here

got up on stage and didn't fall off?

Kelli, that's a drink
ticket on the floor?

- Hold up, where?
- Classic Kelli.

- Always ready for a drink.
- Classic Tiffany.

Your life is better than mine

with your flawless-ass face
and your perfect natural...

Fuck you.

You guys, I'm tired and, you know...!

And I got a lot of work to do
tomorrow, so I'ma get out of here.

Issa, don't forget we need your
money for Kelli's birthday trip.

Let me get you on Friday.

- Okay? Bye, guys!
- Yes.

- Skee-wop!
- Girl, don't be disrespectful.

Hey, was I not supposed to say anything?

You're fine.

- You look good, too.
- Shut up.

Girl, he is feeling you so hard

I could hang my coat on his dick.

Like, my heavy coat.

It's not even winter.

- A degree.
- I'm 100% right!

- Nah, nah.
- Come on!

There's my baby saving the day.

Okay, it's true. Okay?

Once they get a degree,

black men turn into the most
"nigga-est" of niggas, okay?

- They act like prized possessions!
- Right?

- I mean...
- Very important and very pretentious.

They act like women should be grateful

for the opportunity to suck their dicks.

- Why not?
- Okay! And then add to that being in LA

where every dude thinks he gonna
bag some exotic model or actress.

You know, that's why I
appreciate New York men,

- because they way more straightforward.
- Talk about it.

LA dudes do not approach black women.

- This is a fact.
- No.

- I approached you.
- See? See?

- Black women are so quick.
- Okay.

To write off all black men.

I mean, maybe that's why
y'all are still single,

- because you're too damn difficult.
- Excuse me?!

- Okay.
- It could be that.

Just because we have standards
does not make us difficult,

- thank you very much, okay?
- Thank you.

The reason why my baby and I work

is because I let him be a
man and he lets me be a woman.

- Bitch, I'ma call bell hooks on you.
- Call her.

Look, hey, but, Molly, you
know what your problem is?

No, but I know you're gonna
tell me. Please enlighten me.

You always try to control
shit, and men don't like that.

- You don't like that.
- They don't like it.

- He doesn't like that.
- I actually think it's kind of sexy.

Coat hanger.

Seriously, where are your friends?

Nah, see, I don't
think they're your type.

- They're all LA dudes.
- I'll make that work.

- You went to college out here?
- Nah, I didn't go to college.

That's what's up.

That's what's up.

- Cool.
- That's... that's cool!

- Hey, you know, good for you, man.
- That's cool.

You know, college isn't for everybody.

Yeah, no, I don't feel like
I missed out on anything.

- Just a degree.
- Except for all the grateful women

apparently waiting to suck my dick.

- I would be, I would be.
- Nasty.

But, like, back to your friends, okay?

- Kelli.
- Like,

what are some of their phone numbers?

Like, off the top of your head?

Yeah, and I'm sorry about my friends.

They were a little crazy today.

- Nah, you still... You can fit right in.
- Did I?

You were actually very
comfortable in that room.

Is that a compliment or...?

It was fun.

- I had a great time with you.
- I did, too.

But please keep all of your
friends away from Kelli.

- She's crazy.
- Nah, she was funny.

- And she kind of had a good point.
- About what?

That maybe sometimes guys
aren't straightforward enough.

I like straightforward.

I like you.

I like you, too.

It's too hot up in here, and I'm
not trying to sweat out my hair.

We should've gone to the movies.

Don't touch me.

Honestly, Robertson is right here.

We can still make it to
the Museum of Tolerance.

I hope there's a ton of trash.

If not, I brought extra.

Why do we have to clean? Really?

It's annoying.

Excuse me, can I have
your attention, please?

Thank you.

Okay, you guys, I know
it's hot, all right?

And we're stuck in traffic

and it's feeling like we're
all gonna die on this bus,

but I need you to remember
that we are not home right now.

Okay?

We are in mixed company.

And a positive attitude can go a long way

in making a truly worthwhile experience

worth the wait.

Thank you.

Beach better have my money!

- Dayniece, that's a strike.
- Beach, don't kill my vibe!

What's my favorite word? Beach!

Okay.

They loved you, but they
decided to go another way.

What?

How did I not get it? What
am I doing wrong, Elise?

- I killed that interview.
- Nothing.

It's just tough out there right
now, but we'll keep trying.

Next.

Go ahead.

Next.

Hey, Tasha.

Look at you,

coming up in here looking like Obama.

I had a job interview.

Okay, I see you.

Then let me go ahead and cash
your last unemployment check.

Nah. I didn't get the job.

Well, then they stupid.

Okay? You got a lot going for you.

Don't know about all that.

I do. You a good black
man. You went to college.

I see you still got some savings.

- Yeah, but...
- But what?

You out there trying to work and
make something of yourself, right?

- Yeah.
- With no kids?

Better keep your head up.

- You right.
- I know.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, let me play with the beach ball!

Why don't more of them swim?

Slavery.

Oh, my God.

How can we be out?

Because you only brought
one bottle of sunscreen.

I didn't think they'd even need any.

Hey, did you need this?

- Yes!
- Yeah, I brought extra.

You look a little burned. In your face.

Oh, no! Do I?

Oh, my God. You are so burned.

I am so white. Just spray me.

What?

Ben, you ain't never lie!

But, for real, I was shadowing
Merrill and Johnson on the Chen case,

and I had to send myself to HR

because Johnson is fine!

Ooh-wee!

- Hey, Rasheeda. Hi.
- Hi!

- Can you come in here for a second?
- Girl, of course.

- Boy, you better not eat my soup.
- Okay.

Hey! You know, I just wanted to check
in to see how you were acclimating.

Girl, I'm good. Thanks!

Good 'cause, you know,
I just wanna make sure

that no one gets the
wrong impression of you.

Why would they?

Mark said I was doing great.

Yeah, and you are.

I just... you know, sometimes
you can be a little...

Girl, you know how
these white people are.

If you wanna be successful here,

you gotta know when to
switch it up a little bit.

- I appreciate your feedback.
- Good.

But I didn't switch it up in my
interview with the senior partners

and I didn't switch it up when I
was named editor of the law review,

so I don't think I need
to switch it up now.

But thank you so much.

Okay, good.

'Cause I'm just trying to help.

Okay.

Today was awesome. Great job, Issa.

Thank you.

And I'm really sorry
about the emails before.

I... I take full responsibility.

- I shouldn't have let that happen.
- Hey, I appreciate it.

Actually, I'd really
love to make it up to you.

Can I take you to drinks or something?

This was such a good idea.

The kids loved it.

They always trying to doubt us.

Beach, you ain't my friend
just 'cause you brown.

Shit went well, so
now you wanna be down?

I overheard your ass on
the bus trying to clown.

Get the fuck outta here
or bow the fuck down.

Hey, could you hold
this real quick, please?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Hey, you know what? We should
do drinks. That sounds great.

Great, great! Thanks.

Kids, make sure you use the bathroom

before you get on the bus, okay?

- Okay.
- Thank you, Miss Issa.

Oh, Dante! Thank you!

Go on. Boy.

You crazy.

Guess who got into The League.

Wait, didn't you say you were
done with those dating apps?

No, no, I said I was done
with shitty-ass dating apps.

Plus I've been waiting, like, three
months to get approved for this.

Now I can finally date
dudes on my level, girl.

- And they fine as fuck.
- But I thought you were feeling Jared.

I am! But, girl, these League
niggas have been vetted.

And Jared didn't even go to college.

Yeah, but you weren't even
tripping about that before.

You act like these niggas
are gonna disappear.

They will!

Look, I just wanna see
what else is out there.

Damn, Issa, why can't
you just support me?

You right, you right.
You can do no wrong.

No, I'm actually right.

Not like with you and
Lawrence when you're wrong,

but I say that you're right, so...

Well, okay, bitch. Have fun, then. Bye!

- Hey.
- Hey.

I didn't know you were
cooking. I brought food home.

Yeah, you said there was
no food, so I made dinner.

It's lamb.

Okay, I'll just put this over here.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Bitch!

You ain't about to get my man, bitch!

I set the table. Thought we could talk.

Can it wait?

I had a long day and I just wanna
binge watch "Conjugal Visits."

Yeah, I just... I
cleaned over there, so...

- Issa!
- What are you yelling for?

Can you pay attention?

You didn't even ask about my shit.

You're not in this
alone. I'm fucking trying.

Put it against the wall right there.

Are you working?

Because there's literally
nothing on the computer except...

My lunch break isn't
eight fucking hours!

- I got it. I'm sorry.
- No, you gotta dab it.

It doesn't matter.
It's just another stain.

No, I'm sorry for everything.

I...

it's on me, too.

Hey, look.

I know I haven't been
my best self lately.

All right? In my career or with you.

Got a job.

That's great!

One of your interviews came through?

No.

It's Best Buy.

It's just a regular sales job.

I just... I needed to
handle my shit, all right?

For me and for us.

Are you sure that's what you wanna do?

I... it's just temporary, you know?

I'll keep interviewing, but...

for now.

I'm proud of you.

I'm in this.

Are you?

I'm in this.

Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey. I was just thinking about you.

Wanna get something to eat?

Look, Jared, I gotta be honest with you.

I'm just not looking for
a relationship right now.

Really?

'Cause that is not the
vibe I've been getting.

Yeah, I'm kind of bad at vibes.

Okay, so... so what
have we been doing, then?

We've been hanging out as friends.

Friend? You wanna be friends now?

I do, yes. But, like, real friends.

So, we cool?

Yeah.

Yeah, we cool.

Good! Great! God, I'm so glad.

All right, well, I'll
give you a call soon, then.

- All right.
- All right, bye.

- Michael. Hi.
- Hey.

- You look great.
- You do, too.

Very nice.

All right.

Oh, my God.

- Right here?
- You got it. Almost there.

All right, right here.

Yeah?

See? Come on.

Can't believe we're
getting rid of this thing.

- You think somebody will take it?
- I don't know.

Do people really just
take couches off the...?

Hey, yo!

What y'all motherfuckers
doing with that "bouch"?

- Where is he gonna put this?
- Oh, my God.