Insecure (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

And We Got Y'all
offers after school tutoring,

mentoring programs, community service,
standardized test coaching,

Big Brother, Big Sister,
and just general filling in the cracks.

As youth liaison,

I can assure you that whatever it is
you need to succeed,

we got y'all.

So, do y'all have any questions?

Don't be shy, guys, fire away.

Why you talk like a white girl?

You caught me. I'm rocking blackface.

That's racist.



Any other questions?

What's up with yo hair?

I don't know what you mean?

My cousin can put some tracks in it

unless you like it like that.

You rude. She African.

We're all from Africa, guys.

Absolutely. Let's stick to questions
about the program.

Sorry.

Is this what you always wanted to do?

No.

But I got this job after college,
and it fit my interests at the time.

Are you single?

I don't think that's appropriate.



Yeah, she's single.

Okay, since you guys are so interested
in my personal life,

here it is.

I'm 28, actually 29 'cause
today's my birthday.

I came from a great family,
I have a college degree.

I work in the non-profit world
because I like to give back.

I've been with my boyfriend for five years,

and I did this to my hair on purpose.

So I hope that covers everything.

Does anybody actually have
any questions about "We Got Y'all"?

Why aren't you married?

I'm just not right now.

My dad said ain't nobody checkin'
for bitter-ass black women anymore.

Dayniece, that's detention. Apologize now.

Sorry.

That... That's okay.

And tell your dad
that black women aren't bitter.

We're just tired of being
expected to settle for less.

Her outfit settled for less.

My boss founded a non-profit
to help kids from the hood.

But she didn't hire anybody from the hood.

I'm torn between the Booker T. Method
and the Du Bois method.

What would James Baldwin say
is most beneficial for people of color?

In 2016, are you talking about?

I've been here five years, and they think
I'm the token with all the answers.

Let's just ask Issa.

Issa, what's "on fleek"?

I don't know what that means.

I know what that shit means.

But being aggressively passive
is what I do best.

I used to keep a journal to vent.
Now I just write raps.

Go, shorty It's my birthday

But no one cares
because I'm not having a party

'Cause I'm feeling sorry
for myself

Look, nigga
Guess you're still single

Couldn't find another bitch
to make your toes tingle

Hot shit...

How different would my life be
if I actually went after what I wanted?

Maybe I'd be more like
my best friend, Molly.

She's like the Will Smith of corporate.

So they want us to be
more environmentally responsible.

But it's, like, seriously,
why do we need trees?

White people love Molly.

Black people also love Molly.

Domino, bitch!

What am I doing wrong?

Wait. You got the LaVinci family to settle?

Yep.

No frickin' way. How?

I convinced their youngest son to testify.

His inheritance was already guaranteed.

Oh, God! That's unbelievable.

Please, please, teach me your ways.

One day.

- Was that the Arab guy?
- Yes.

He said, "Hey." I love it.

So sweet. What are you gonna write back?

You know, I think I'm just gonna call him.

'Cause, I mean,
"hey" means "I wanna talk," right?

Yeah, sure. I think...

What'd he say?

He must be texting me
from a meeting.

You know, he's a product engineer.

So, he's probably engineering
shit as we speak.

Seems like you really like him.

You know, I do.

We've only been on three dates,
but he's so different.

And I never thought I'd end up
with someone who wasn't black. You know?

Totally.

Me and Jamal are always talking about
how we're not each other's types

but, I don't know, it works.

Girl, Jamal is frontin'.

Niggas love Asians and Latinas and Indians
and white chicks and mixtures.

But you know what,
if they are not checkin' for me,

I ain't checkin' for them.

Jamal said I was his first.

We were just going with the flow.

It came out of nowhere,

'cause for a sec,
I thought we were having a good time.

Wait. Whose idea was it
to go with the flow?

It was mutual.

Okay, bitch, it was his.
But I was cool with it.

- Was he hairy?
- He was Arab.

- So, yes.
- Absolutely.

And then, he goes from, like,

calling me every day,
to sending me text messages.

- Oh, damn.
- Right?

And then this motherfucker got the audacity
to hit me with this bullshit.

"Sorry. I'm not looking
for a relationship right now."

Sad face.

He did not sad face you.

I will slap you right bish... What...

That's my life.

Can we eat? I'm hungry as fuck, okay?

Have you ever tried, like, the raw meat?

Not that raw meat,
but you know what I'm sayin'.

Like the food.

You Okay?

Yeah, girl.

You know what, this is your birthday.
I don't wanna make this about me.

- No.
- Stop.

What's going on?

It's, like, it doesn't
matter what I do, Issa.

If I'm into them, then I'm too smothering.

If I take my time and try to give them
space, "I didn't think you were into me."

Fine. Sex right away. Lose interest.

Wait to have sex. Lose interest.

If I don't have sex at all...

Motherfucker, no!

I'm a grown-ass woman.
I did not sign up for that bullshit.

I think your pussy's broken.

- What?
- No, I read about it.

It's, like, pussies breaking everywhere.

I think your pussy's sad. It's had enough.

And if it could talk, it would make
that sad Marge Simpson groan.

Yes, that's it. That's your pussy.

You're an asshole. Fuck you, Issa.

They're gonna kick us out this restaurant.

Are you ladies ready?

No. Can you give us, like, two minutes?
We're just, you know...

- All right.
- She's not gonna come back for hours.

- That's my pussy talkin'.
- Where's the broken pussy?

Here, it's number four.

Thanks for treating me, girl.

You know I got you.

Now, why don't you go home, and get
you some of that good birthday ass...

“Yes, Lawrence, how you dam' there?“

Actually, I'm thinking about
ending things with Lawrence.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Did you not just see me
crying tears of singleness in there?

No, no. One of us is having sex tonight.

We don't do anything.
Like, there's no excitement.

It's just too comfortable.

Okay, wait. Are you guys fighting? What?

No, I wish.

Sometimes, I wish he'd just, like, slap
the shit out of me out of angry passion.

Not really, but kinda.

So, you're an idiot. It's cool.

No, seriously. I'm starting to resent him.

Like, I've spent my entire 20s with a dude
that I'm not even gonna end up with.

Well, I mean, you're still 29.

You got one more year.

- Bitch, you're right.
- I know.

I don't have time for the bullshit anymore.

Wait, what are you saying?

I'm breaking up with him tonight.

Bitch, no you're not.

You're right, I'm not.

'Course I'm right. I know you.

- Hey. Happy birthday, babe.
- Thank you.

Why aren't you dressed?
The show starts at 10:00, right?

I bombed the interview.

Jeez, Lawrence.

L just got nervous, and I started saying
stuff that didn't make any sense.

I didn't talk about anything
I could bring to the table.

I just spit words out.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

You know, I literally
spit on him, all right?

Then I spilled hot coffee
all over his desk.

Never mind, then.

Hey, I'm sorry for ruining your birthday.

Issa, can we, you know,
Redbox a movie and just stay in?

I promise I'll make it up to you.

All right. Thanks.

Let me finish watching this video,
and then we can go to 7-Eleven.

You want pecs? You want abs?
It takes fucking discipline.

So stop making excuses and do it.

Make it happen.

It's not gonna happen
by sitting on your ass!

What do you want to rent?

You know what? You pick.

And these poor, poor children
need our guidance more than anything.

They were so intent on not acknowledging
the burdens that face them every day.

They focused mostly on Issa's love life.

Which I have to say,
served as a great icebreaker.

Thomas Jefferson Middle School statistics

state that 40% will not
graduate high school.

And 20% will become teen parents.
We absolutely have to intervene.

Educated black women
are highly unlikely to get married

the more education they have.

On the bright side,
many black women are work-focused

and find happiness in their careers.

But, then, there is a small percentage
of pathetic women who have neither.

They are purposeless.

You're wrong!

What is she wrong about, Issa?

What do you think we need to do
to help these kids?

Well, stop treating them
like they're all the same, for one.

They already get enough of that.

I think these kids need permission
to explore on their own.

Okay, well, where does
"We Got Y'all" fit in?

Right.

Nothing's gonna change for these kids
if they're stuck in the same shitty place.

They need to know that
there's more out there for them.

So as youth liaison, I
want to take the lead on

building a program for the kids
outside of the school.

Great. Work with Frieda.

Have the proposal to me by Monday.

All right.

Ken and Patricia,
tell me about San Pedro Middle School.

Last year, we had "Black and White..."

We didn't wanna spend a lot,
on the brochures...

I just was not expecting it.

I walk in, and, first of
all, he was being shady.

All night, I had no idea what was going on.

- And I go into the house...
- Hey, guys.

What'd I miss?

Molly, I got engaged.

He proposed last night.

My God. I'm so happy for you.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- Finish the story.
- Okay, okay.

So, okay... So, where was I?

I walked in and my favorite flowers
are, like, everywhere.

And he had these little notes
that were, like, tied to balloons.

Balloons. For real?

Girl that is crazy. Balloons.

Yeah, they were, like,
tied to my friends and family...

Sorry...

You deserve it.

- Hi, girl.
- It is never happening for me.

You sound like you're exercising.
You don't exercise.

Diane got engaged.

- To her black boyfriend?
- Yes.

Damn.

- They wife others up with a quickness.
- Right?

And they don't even have to be that cute.

You know, I'm not trying to be shady,

but why does she deserve to get married,
and I don't?

Girl, stop, who says you
don't deserve to be married?

Jesus, apparently. He the nigga
that gave me this broken-ass pussy.

Okay, listen, I promise Jesus isn't
conspiring against you and your pussy.

- You need to go out tonight.
- No.

- I'm taking you out. Be ready at 8:00. Bye.
- Wait.

Issa? Issa?

Hi, I'm sexy.

Let's get out of here.

You're super.

Oh, my God, you're a music producer.
Do you know Beck?

I don't make love, I fuck.

You want some of this pussy pot pie?

Pop, pop, pop. Pot pie.

No.

Well, hello, Daniel.

No, you drive on the wrong
side of the street.

Let me sprinkle some
pussy Parmesan on you.

Awesome.

You hungry?

Hey, tiger.

No. It's so stupid.

Take a drink.

Shots, shots.

You gonna take this 'nani or not?

Take this 'nani!

Take it!

No.

It's too aggressive.

What are you all dressed up for?

- I'm taking Molly out tonight.
- On a date?

Should I be jealous?

No, she's just really upset,
and I want to make her feel better.

What's wrong with her now?

She doesn't think she'll ever get married.

She might be on to something.

Don't be a dick. Dating is hard.

Not if she didn't take it so seriously.

Plus, her standards are way too high.

Yeah, maybe she should
lower them like I did.

- Wait, what the fuck?
- Never mind. Forget it. I'm sorry.

No. What's that supposed to mean?

It means sometimes I don't know
what the fuck we're doing.

We're together?

Yeah, but where are we going? Are we here?

- Is this it?
- Babe.

Because maybe I didn't know it before,
but I know it now,

and I don't wanna just
sit on the couch with you

for the rest of my life
and wait for something to happen.

What are you talking about?

Nobody's just sitting on the couch.

I'm almost done with my business plan. You
know, I'm just getting my shit together.

You've been getting your shit together
for four years, Lawrence.

I just feel like we're wasting our time.
I don't have time to waste.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying maybe we should

get our shit together separately
and see what happens.

You wanna break up with me?

Molly's waiting on me.
I'm gonna spend the night at her house.

- We can talk about this tomorrow.
- Hey.

- Issa!
- See you later.

Hey! Iss!

Issa, why are we in 1997 Inglewood?

Bitch, I don't know.
I've never been here before.

But I've heard really good things.

Nigga, from who, your middle school Crips?

Will you stop being all judgmental?

Okay, I could've taken you to some stuck-up
Hollywood spot with a bunch of assholes.

But we're here, okay?
Let's have fun tonight.

Yes.

- Fine. But you are buying me a drink.
- Okay.

We're gonna have some drinks tonight.

You're gonna get so fucked up.

It's gonna be a strong drink.

So are y'all broken up or not?

I think so.

You know, I told him how I felt,
and his last words were,

- "You wanna break up with me?"
- And you said?

That I was spending the night at your house
and that we'd talk about it later.

But I'm pretty sure he got the message.

Yeah, and the message was,
"She mad, but we good."

We need to find you somebody.

Every dude in here got dry cornrows.
That's a fact.

Listen, bougie bitch,
half of these dudes are cute, okay?

Where? What?

Let's just go stand by them
so they notice you.

Since when did you become
Party McPartison?

I usually have to drag your ass out.

- Come on, over here.
- What?

Issa, where are we going? No. Jesus.

I got it. No, let me finish. I got it.

He's coming. He's coming. He's coming.

Hey. How y'all ladies doing tonight?

Good.

I'm Jared, by the way.

- Molly.
- Nice to meet you.

- Issa.
- Hi.

So what, y'all performing? What's going on?

Oh, my God. No.

We didn't even know
it was this kind of a party.

- Word.
- Wait. Are you performing?

- No. Hell, no. Hell, no. No, no, no.
- Thank God.

My little brother is.

I don't know if this is really his
kind of crowd. You know what I mean?

You mean he's not a gin and juice,
smoke weed every day,

fuck bitches, get money kinda guy?

He's more like
a skinny-jeans juicing type dude.

Give it up for Train Wreck.

- So your little brother?
- Yeah, he'll be up there soon.

Rs'?

Daniel? Hey.

What are you even doing here?

My friend's performing tonight.
I produce some of his tracks.

What are you doing here?

My friend Molly had suggested here,
this place, where we are.

What a coincidence.

How was your birthday?

Chillin'. Nothing special.

Well, we celebrating tonight.

- Let me get you a drink.
- Okay.

- What you want?
- A vodka tonic.

Two vodka tonics, man.

Wait. I just don't understand
why these grown-ass men

are still dressing like Kris Kross.

I bagged you looking like Kris Kross.

Okay, that was high school
when I thought prison jeans were sexy,

and you didn't bag me till college,
fuck you very much.

I'm pretty sure my jeans
were still sagging.

Well, I'm just glad your pants grew up.

Yo, remember when we used to rap?

- You still flow?
- I might actually still write.

You lyin'. You lying.

Right, now. It's open mic night.

So you rappers, singers,
get it off your chest, all right?

I dare you.

No. I'm... Nope.

Come on, Issa. It was just your birthday.

You're never gonna have this moment again.

You got this. You got this.

What up, y'all?

You were polite.

- Isn't that your girl?
- What?

That's your girl, right?

What the fuck?

Love rookie
She give 'em all her cookies

By cookies I mean pussy
This girl is kinda loosey

Dudes take her off the shelf
And they put her on credit

Thirty days later
they return it and regret it

Used like a dishrag
Dumped with a hashtag

I blame it on the pussy
That shit must be bad

Broken pussy...

Broken pussy

Maybe it's dry as hell
Maybe it really smells

Broken pussy...

Oh, my God. She's talking about me.

Maybe it's really rough
Maybe it's had enough

Broken pussy

Nobody wants you
'cause you got a broken pussy

Broken pussy - Broken pussy

- Broken pussy!
- Broken pussy!

Hey!

Maybe it's really rough
Maybe it's had enough

- Broken pussy!
- Hey...

Maybe it's really rough
Maybe it's had enough

- Broken pussy!
- Hey...

Broken pussy

Thank you, guys.

Girl, I'm sorry, okay?
It wasn't even about you.

Daniel dared me to do it.

And you know how we were talking about

this being the last year of my 20s
and how I need to make the most of it.

I don't even know what came over me,

but I just went up there
and I just did that shit, you know?

I mean, I don't know. You tell me.
I thought I was pretty good up there.

So am I still spending the night, or not?

Can you shut the fuck up?

Damn.

What did I say?

The only reason we came to that
hoodrat-ass club tonight

is so that you could hook up with Daniel.

I didn't even know he was gonna be there.

Bitch, stop it. You knew.

This was always about you.

It was about you, too.

Is my life a joke to you?

No, no, no, real talk.

'Cause it's bad enough that
I got to deal with real triflin' niggas

and real untraditional
niggas on a daily basis.

And now I got to worry about
dealing with a triflin' best friend?

You made a joke of my heartbreak up there.

I didn't mean to.

I didn't think about it like that.

That's the damn problem, Issa. You don't
stop to think about the shit you do

can actually affect others.

Are you kidding me?

My whole life is about
how shit affects others.

Okay, my job, my boyfriend, you.

I care about how shit affects you, too.
I always listen to you.

Nigga, you only listen to me because
I make you feel better about you.

Damn it.

I mean, this is bullshit.
I didn't even want to go out tonight.

You drag me out here,
then I meet a decent dude,

then you should've seen
how fast Jared left.

What if he was the one?

That's right, nigga. I'll never know.

Never know.

Bitch.

I know you did not just respond
to that motherfucking text message.

- I didn't.
- You're lying.

Did you just send a text message?

I swear on my brother's life
and my life I did not send a text.

Okay, now it's technically sent.

- But, Daniel, he disappeared...
- You know what, fuck you!

And if you fuck Daniel,
you're as much of a dumb bitch as I am.

Fucking asshole.

- Motherfucker, open the door!
- It's the child locks.

- I wasn't playing with you.
- Shut the fuck up.

Shit.

HEY-

Where you going?

- I shouldn't be here.
- Why?

Come on. You're here.

I got you this.

No Moscato, but some shit Drake would like.

Why are you assuming I like Drake?

Every black girl that went to college
likes Drake.

He just really gets us.

I'm not a dumb bitch.

I never said you were.

No, you didn't.

But I just got out of a relationship,

I think, and I wanted to try being
this new, different person,

and you seem like the perfect person
to be this new, different person with.

Because you've always
been my "what if" guy,

but I can't just jump from one relationship
to another because that's crazy...

Relationship?

I'm not looking for a relationship.
Maybe...

Maybe I gave you the wrong idea.

No, you didn't.

That's good to know.

Bitch, you still mad?

Bitch, you still trippin'?

My girlfriend

If you don't get off of me...

Where's your bag? 'Cause I only see one.

It's not under your big-ass wrap?