In the Motherhood (2009): Season 1, Episode 3 - Bully - full transcript
Jane becomes a bully at work in order to scare her boss.
SO THERE IT IS.
WE ALL THINK
IT TURNED OUT REALLY GREAT,
A TRUE COLLABORATION.
IF I SAW THIS ON A TURNPIKE,
I'D STOP HERE EVEN IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO PEE.
(laughs) (woman) I LOVE IT.
(man) YEAH, IT'S VERY, VERY NICE.
SO WOULD I.
(woman) SO NEAT.
WELL, THIS... THIS IS AWFUL.
YEAH, IT, UH, IT REALLY SUCKS, JANE.
(man) I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT ALL ALONG.
(woman) OH, GOD! UGH!
(man) IT'S TERRIBLE.
(woman) REALLY BAD. BLAIR,
YOU TOLD US TO TAKE IT IN THIS DIRECTION.
WELL, NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU
TO TAKE IT IN A NEW DIRECTION--
THE TRASH CAN.
(inhales deeply)
(exhales deeply)
JANE, IT'S THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE
BEEN LATE THIS WEEK, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, I'M JUST A MANNY.
I'M NOT A MACHINE.
ALTHOUGH, IT WOULD BE
PRETTY COOL IF I WAS A MACHINE.
I'M SORRY, HORATIO. MY BOSS
IS ON A REAL TEAR LATELY.
AND MY COWORKERS JUST...
(loudly) SOLD ME OUT!
(normal voice) PLEASE TELL ANNIE
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MAKE IT
TO HER SOCCER GAME AGAIN.
Oh, and try
to keep the baby awake
SO I CAN TELL HER A BEDTIME STORY.
WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?!
NO. FIRST SLOW EYEBLINK,
SHE'S HITTING THE SACK.
SHE'S LITTLE, BUT SHE FIGHTS
DIRTY--SPITTING AND COOING.
OH, THANKS FOR MAKING IT
SOUND SO HORRIBLE, HORATIO.
IT ALMOST MAKES
STAYING AT WORK BEARABLE.
(whispers) GOTTA GO.
(sighs) I FEEL BETTER.
♪♪
(child giggles)
(doorbell rings)
HEY! IT'S MY SISTER...
(chuckles)
AND HER KIDS.
AND HER MANNY. OKAY.
HORATIO!
I HAVEN'T BEEN
TO THE MARKET ALL WEEK.
YOU DON'T MIND IF WE EAT HERE, RIGHT?
NOT AT ALL. I ALWAYS HAVE A HOT MEAL READY
FOR A WORKING MOM WHO CAN'T
GET IT TOGETHER FOR HER KIDS.
IT'S MY DUTY AS A STAY-AT-HOME.
HEY, YOU--YOU KNOW WHAT, HORATIO?
YOU SHOULD COME ON OUT AND KICK
IT WITH ME BY THE GRILL, MAN.
AH, I GOT A RASPBERRY HEFEWEIZEN.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT. YOU HAVE ANY BEER?
(Jason) YEAH. YEAH.
HEY, EMS.
HEY!
WE'RE HERE TO MOOCH.
THE MORE THE MERRIER.
IT'LL BE FUN SPLITTING
FOUR PIECES OF
ORIGAMI SEA BASS EIGHT WAYS.
OH, WE'LL MAKE A GAME OF IT.
SO MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE TODAY.
YEAH, JUST THE BASICS--
"T.J. HOOKER" HOOD SLIDE
AND "THE DUKES OF HAZZARD"
DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW ENTRY.
OH, I DIDN'T REALIZE
THAT TONIGHT WAS
THE DRINKING CONTEST.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?
AH, WORK IS TERRIBLE,
AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT ANNIE.
APPARENTLY, THERE IS
A BULLY AT THE BUS STOP
TERRORIZING ALL THE KIDS.
IS HE MAKING FUN OF HER LITTLE BOOBIES?
NO, SHE'S 11.
IT'S AWFUL. I WAS BULLIED
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE, TOO.
DID THEY MAKE FUN OF YOUR LITTLE BOOBIES?
OKAY, GET OFF THAT.
HEY, MOM, THEY'RE PLAYING
YOUR COMMERCIAL AGAIN.
(woman)
♪ IF YOU'RE A GIRL OR A MAN ♪
♪ OR IN THE BACK OF A VAN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA
CALL-ALL-ALL YOUR BRAINS OUT ♪
THAT SONG YOU MADE BACK
IN THE DAY
JUST MADE US $7 TODAY.
CA-CHING!
OH!
AND THEY ONLY HAD TO CHANGE
ONE WORD. (laughs)
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY FRIEND
WAS THE LEAD SINGER OF PONY.
WE WERE
A SEMINAL PUNK ROCK BAND--
FROM MARCH '84 TO...
LATE JULY...
'84.
OKAY.
YEAH.
IT WAS HARDCORE.
YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME
I HEAR THAT SONG,
IT REMINDS ME
OF THE BACKSEAT
OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND'S
HATCHBACK.
YOU'RE WELCOME. (laughs)
AND THE FRONT SEAT.
AND ONE TIME ON THE HOOD.
WOW.
OKAY. YOU KNOW, ROSEMARY,
IS IT HARD FOR YOU
TO HEAR YOUR PUNK ROCK ANTHEM
BE TURNED INTO
A PHONE COMMERCIAL?
I'M AN ARTIST,
AND I JUST FELT ARTISTICALLY...
MM-HMM.
THAT I WOULD LIKE
TO MAKE A TON OF MONEY.
SO, NOPE, WASN'T THAT HARD.
OKAY, I'M GONNA ASK YOU SOMETHING CRAZY.
IS THERE ANY WAY YOU WOULD
CONSIDER PERFORMING WITH PONY
AT THE EVENT I'M PLANNING?
THE OTHER LADIES
ON THE COMMITTEE WOULD FREAK.
PERFORMING?
(chuckles) I DON'T KNOW.
OH, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
YEAH.
I MEAN, I'D HAVE TO GET THE
BAND BACK TOGETHER... SURE.
AND A LOT OF THOSE GUYS
HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM ANYMORE...
OR PHONES. WHAT'S THE EVENT?
IT'S
A PRESCHOOL FUND-RAISER.
(laughs) (laughs) DID YOU....
DID YOU JUST ASK ME
TO PERFORM WITH PONY
AT A PRESCHOOL FUND-RAISER?
IS THAT WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
OKAY, I DIDN'T REALIZE
IT WAS SUCH A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!
HELLS, YEAH!
YEAH!
WHOO! ROCK 'N' ROLL!
PONY!
♪ AHH ♪
♪ PONY ♪
(all singing indistinctly)
YOU GUYS REALLY DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS.
HONEY, WE'RE HERE TO HELP.
OH, I GUARANTEE YOU'RE
JUST GONNA MAKE IT WORSE.
(boy) WHAT IS THAT STINK,
PERKINS?
DID YOU STEP IN IT
OR JUST EAT IT FOR BREAKFAST?
LOOK AT THAT BULLY
TAKING ON KIDS TWICE HIS SIZE
LIKE IT'S NOTHING.
THANK YOUR MOM WHEN YOU SEE HER,
'CAUSE THESE JICAMA STICKS
JUST SAVED YOU
FROM GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED.
(vehicle approaching)
AH, IF IT ISN'T GOOFUS.
WHAT, NOW YOU HAVE
A LITTLE ENTOURAGE?
I HAVE NEVER SEEN THESE PEOPLE
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
HEY, THAT'S HER LUNCH.
I DON'T KNOW
WHO PACKS HER LUNCH,
BUT THEY'RE ALWAYS NASTY.
I GOT IT.
(clears throat)
LISTEN, BRO,
YOU SEEM COOL--
NICE BABY. DID IT
COME OUT OF YOUR BUTT?
NO.
HEY, YOU HAVE TO REALIZE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE
HURTS PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE POINT, FATSO.
WHAT'D YOU CALL ME?
WHAT'D YOU CALL ME?
STOP IT.
STOP IT.
I MEAN IT! CUT IT OUT!
I MEAN IT! CUT IT OUT!
I'M AN IDIOT!
NICE TO KNOW.
OOH.
WOW. HE'S GOOD.
(laughs)
SUCKS. BAD.
WORSE. AWFUL.
JANE, ARE YOU FEELING WELL?
I'M FINE. ARE YOU SURE?
'CAUSE YOUR WORK LOOKS LIKE
YOU JUST VOMITED
ONTO A PIECE OF PAPER.
OKAY, ENOUGH. BLAIR, LISTEN.
YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS.
YOU CAN'T KEEP THROWING MY WORK
AWAY, MAKING ME STAY LATE.
I NEED TO GO HOME
AND TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS.
JANE, YOU NEED TO BE
MORE LIKE RHODA--
LONELY, BARREN, ALLERGIC
TO CATS. THIS WORK IS HER LIFE.
IT'S ALL I HAVE.
QUIET.
BESIDES, JANE, YOU DRAW
LIKE A DRUNK GORILLA.
THIS NEEDS TO GO.
THIS NEEDS TO GO.
EXCUSE ME?
EXCUSE ME?
YOU NEED TO STOP... RIGHT NOW.
YOU NEED TO STOP... RIGHT NOW.
WHAT THE--OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.
WHAT THE--OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.
ARE YOU--ARE YOU MOCK--
ARE YOU--ARE YOU MOCK--
WHAT THE--HUH?! (gasps)
WHAT THE--HUH?! (gasps)
I DON'T QUITE...
ALL RIGHT, SHOULD WE GET STARTED?
(woman) WONDERFUL.
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING.
AND WE SHOULD ALL THANK MAGGIE
FOR BRINGING
THE TURKEY ROLL-UPS.
RIGHT? AREN'T THEY DELICIOUS?
(woman) MMM!
NOW SHE DIDN'T
MAKE 'EM HERSELF,
BUT SHE DID GET THEM
AT ROBERTSON'S,
WHICH ARE ALMOST AS GOOD AS THE ONES AT GILBERT'S.
OH, I CHECKED GILBERT'S. THEY WERE OUT.
EVEN THE ONE ON FRANKLIN?
SO I HAVE SOME EXCITING NEWS.
MY VERY GOOD
CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND ROSEMARY
FROM THE BAND PONY...
(gasps) HAS AGREED TO
PERFORM AT THE FUND-RAISER!
WHOO! OH!
I LOVE THAT COMMERCIAL!
ISN'T IT GREAT? RIGHT?
I-I CAN'T GET THE SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.
ALL RIGHT,
NOW ON TO PICKING A THEME.
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS?
NO? OKAY, WELL,
I HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE.
I CALL IT "A MAGICAL NIGHT WITH
THE CREATURES OF THE FOREST."
SO IF WE COULD ALL TURN
TO PAGE THREE OF OUR HANDOUT.
EXCUSE ME?
IS SOMEONE INTERRUPTING? YES?
HI. I'M GRETCHEN.
I'M NEW HERE.
I HEARD YOU WERE
LOOKING FOR A THEME,
SO I WHIPPED UP
A LITTLE SOMETHING LAST NIGHT.
OKAY, WELL, I THINK WE'VE ALREADY DECIDED.
SOMEONE GET THE LIGHTS, PLEASE? THANKS.
SO THANK YOU. OKAY.
NOW I CALL MY CONCEPT...
(bubbles gurgling)
"UNDER THE SEA."
(Maggie gasps)
(women murmuring)
SHE'S BLOWN IT WIDE OPEN.
(chuckles)
OKAY, THANK YOU, GRETCHEN.
OKAY, THANKS. THANKS. LIGHTS!
YOU KNOW WHAT, GRETCHEN?
WE'RE NOT FLASHY PEOPLE.
OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION
ONE THING ABOUT MY DESIGN.
MY FRIEND EVA PARKER
WOULD LOVE TO HELP US OUT.
WELL, I THINK WE HAVE
ENOUGH HELP HERE.
OH, I'M SORRY. HER FRIENDS
CALL HER EVA PARKER.
YOU MAY KNOW HER AS EVA LONGORIA PARKER.
(women gasping)
OHH! (gasps) OH, MY GOD!
OKAY... LET'S REFOCUS HERE.
(Gretchen) YEAH, YEAH, WE CAN GET HER. YES.
YEAH, SHE'S A GOOD FRIEND
OF MINE. I MEAN, I'VE KNOWN HER
A FEW YEARS, BUT WE'RE REALLY CLOSE. SURE, YEP,
WELL... WELL, WE COULD DO ANTS ON A LOG OR...
AND I HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER, SO... (speaks
indistinctly) EVEN A PE--A PETTING ZOO?
UH, LISTEN, BLAIR. CAN I TALK TO YOU?
(gasps) OH! NO! DON'T. PLEASE.
NO, ABOUT YESTERDAY-- JANE,
YOUR MOCKING WORDS WERE QUITE EFFECTIVE.
YOU SHOWED ME
WHAT I SOUNDED LIKE.
YOU HELD A MIRROR
UP TO MY FACE,
AND BESIDES THE GORGEOUS
DESIGNER GLASSES,
I DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I SAW,
SO THANK YOU. ANYTHING ELSE?
CAN I GO HOME EARLY?
NO PROBLEM. CARRY ON.
(stapler clicking)
OH.
OH, GOD.
JANE, I'M SO SORRY.
HERE. YOU CAN HAVE MY STAPLER.
(stapler clicks)
(Emily) NO, I TOTALLY
UNDERSTAND. OKAY. BYE-BYE.
WELL, NOW I CAN'T EVEN BRING
MY THRICE-BAKED COOKIES
TO THE FUND-RAISER.
UGH! THIS GRETCHEN WOMAN
IS COMPLETELY TAKING CONTROL
OF THE ENTIRE EVENT.
YEAH.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I FIT IN ANYMORE.
(sighs) YOU KNOW WHAT, EMILY?
WHEN SOMEONE IS
VERY... OBSESSIVE...
MM-HMM? AND CONTROLLING,
JUST TUNE 'EM OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I DO. I'M SO JUST UPSET,
YOU KNOW? EVERY YEAR, THIS EVENT IS LIKE
A NEW AND EXCITING
CHALLENGE FOR ME.
ONCE, I BARGAINED
500 HAWAIIAN DRINK UMBRELLAS
FOR A PENNY APIECE
WHEN EVERYONE SAID
IT COULDN'T BE DONE.
THAT HIGH LASTED SIX MONTHS.
(cymbal crashes)
WELL, I LIKE THE IDEA OF A HIGH
THAT LASTS FOR SIX MONTHS.
(sighs) BUT, UM, HERE.
LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING. SIT DOWN.
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS,
THIS EVENT
ISN'T ABOUT THE GLITZ.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GLAMOUR.
IT'S ABOUT THE CHILDREN.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT TIME
THAT PONY PLAYED FARM AID III.
WE WERE THERE TO RAISE MONEY
TO BUY SHOES AND CLOTHES
FOR COWS AND CHICKENS.
THOSE CHICKENS NEEDED US
JUST THE WAY THESE KIDS...
NEED EMILY.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, ROSEMARY.
HA HA!
I AM GONNA PITCH IN
AND DO IT FOR THE KIDS.
AND PONY IS GONNA
BE THERE TO SUPPORT YOU
WITH THE UNIVERSAL POWER
OF MUSIC!
HUH?! AM I RIGHT, GUYS?!
YES.
(man) SURE.
RIGHT ON.
THANK YOU, ROSEMARY, FOR GIVING
ME A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE.
HEY, ARE THOSE MY SCARVES?
I DON'T KNOW. ARE THEY?
I DON'T KNOW. ARE THEY?
(whispers) OKAY.
WOW. I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU HOME
FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
WELL, I SORT OF MAKE
MY OWN HOURS NOW.
(sighs) HOW'S IT GOING
WITH ANNIE AND THAT BULLY?
HMM. I GOT THIS CLOWN.
I'VE PROFILED THIS KID,
AND NOW I'M IN HIS HEAD.
I'M GONNA GO ALL DR. PHIL ON HIM.
THAT'S GREAT, HORATIO,
BECAUSE WE CANNOT LET THIS BULLY
GET AWAY WITH IT,
EVEN THOUGH
YOU CAN SORT OF UNDERSTAND
THE NEED TO CONTROL
AN OUT OF CONTROL WORLD...
THE POWER, GETTING TO SPEND
MORE TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY,
GETTING WHAT YOU WANT
WHEN YOU WANT IT.
(Kelis' "Bossy" playing)
♪ I'M BOSSY, I'M THE BITCH
Y'ALL LOVE TO HATE ♪
♪ I'M THE CHICK
THAT'S RAISED THE STAKES ♪
♪ I TOLD YOUNG STUNNA
HE SHOULD SWITCH TO BAPE ♪
♪ I'M BACK WITH AN 808
'CAUSE I'M BOSSY ♪
♪ OOH, LET ME SLOW IT DOWN SO YOU
CAN CATCH THE FLOW ♪ (cheering)
♪ SCREW IT UP,
MAKE IT GO EXTRA SLOW ♪ (gasps)
♪ REAL GIRLS GET DOWN ON THE
FLOOR ♪ (coos and laughs)
♪ ON THE FLOOR,
GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR ♪
♪♪
NO BABY THIS TIME.
JUST YOU AND ME.
YOU KNOW THE PERSON YOU HURT
MOST WITH YOUR BULLYING?
IT'S YOU, BRO. THE BULLY.
YOU MAY NOT SEE THIS
RIGHT NOW,
BUT YOU'RE
CHASING EVERYBODY AWAY.
YEAH. I DO FEEL LIKE
NONE OF THESE PEOPLE LIKE ME.
(sighs)
IT'S OKAY TO CRY, BRO.
YOU AND I--
WE'RE CONNECTING.
TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR HOME LIFE.
WELL, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH.
ANY TIME I SEE FOOD,
I JUST WANNA HORDE IT.
CLASSIC STARVATION BEHAVIOR.
AND WHEN I CALLED YOU FATSO,
I WAS JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE
OF ALL THE FOOD YOU HAVE TO EAT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOT THAT MUCH.
BUT ANYWAY, LISTEN...
TAKE THIS $20.
NO ONE HAS TO KNOW
WHERE IT CAME FROM.
JUST GO BUY SOME FOOD.
YOU EVER GET HUNGRY AGAIN,
COME SEE ME, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
HEY,
BE NICE TO THEM KIDS, HUH?
HEY, YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY!
THIS IS CASHMERE, TURDFACE.
(laughs)
OKAY, LADIES, NOW WHEN
THE KELP CURTAIN OPENS,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CLEAR THIS AREA. CONNIE?
EVA'S GONNA BE LOWERED
ONTO THE ENORMOUS CLAMSHELL.
CONNIE, COULD YOU MOVE?
CONNIE?
(chuckles) I MEAN,
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
HI, GRETCHEN.
OH, HI!
HI. SO I'M HERE TO HELP,
AT YOUR SERVICE.
ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO HELP MAKE THIS FUND-RAISER
GREAT FOR THE KIDS.
YOU KNOW, DECORATIONS, I COULD BEDAZZLE
THE CLAMSHELL-- PARKING LOT DUTY.
I'M SORRY?
PERFECT.
OH, BUT, UM, WELL, UNLIKE YOU,
I-I LOOK TERRIBLE IN ORANGE.
OH, I KNOW.
OH, ALSO AS IT TURNS OUT, EVA
SAID SHE WOULD DO SOME SINGING
AS WELL AS SOME
LIGHT STAND-UP.
WOW! THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH.
IT TURNS OUT WE'RE THE REAL DESPERATE
HOUSEWIVES. (women laughing)
SHE IS GONNA BE GREAT.
BUT THEN I GUESS
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY TIME
LEFT FOR PONY TO PERFORM.
SO I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THE
ONE TO TELL HER THAT. WAIT, WAIT.
NO, BUT WE CAN'T JUST TOSS THEM
ASIDE AT THE LAST MINUTE.
ALSO, EVA WAS SO EXCITED
TO PERFORM, SHE SAID SHE WOULD
DONATE A ROMANTIC DINNER
WITH HER AND HER HUSBAND
AT THE SILENT AUCTION. WHAT?!
(women gasp)
OH, MY GOD!
OKAY, I NEED THAT DINNER.
I'M GONNA GO CALL MY BROKER
AND TELL HIM
TO JUST SELL EVERYTHING.
(chuckles) WE ARE GONNA RAISE THE
ROOF UP IN HERE! WHOO! (women laugh)
LITERALLY. WE'RE GONNA GENERATE
SO MUCH MONEY
WITH THIS FUND-RAISER,
WE'RE GONNA PUT IN
A SECOND STORY.
SO YOU'LL TELL ROSEMARY THEN?
GREAT. CONNIE?
I--WAIT, BUT...
HEY, EMILY. ME AND THE BAND JUST
CAME BY TO CHECK OUT THE VENUE.
COULD I TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?
OH, WOW. THIS IS GONNA BE
EVEN BIGGER THAN WE THOUGHT!
OH, MY GOD,
I JUST GOT REALLY NERVOUS.
OKAY, WELL, IT SEEMS
THAT, UM, EVA PARKER--
UH, SORRY.
EVA LONGORIA PARKER--
WELL, SHE'S GONNA DO SOME SONGS
AND SOME LIGHT STAND-UP.
EVA LONGORIA PARKER IS
OPENING FOR US?! (gasps)
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! (laughs)
ROSEMARY, GRETCHEN SAYS WE DON'T
NEED PONY TO PERFORM ANYMORE.
WHAT?
WELL, EMILY, WHY WOULD YOU
LET GRETCHEN MAKE THAT DECISION?
I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST,
IT'S A FUND-RAISER,
AND SHE DONATED SOME DINNER
TO A SILENT AUCTION.
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S--
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU SAID.
IT'S FOR THE KIDS, RIGHT?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE GAVE UP
TO BE HERE?
ICEMAN CANCELED A CONFERENCE
IN MAUI.
MAVERICK--UP ALL NIGHT
TRYING TO CATCH A BAT.
AND GOOSE BOUGHT SHOES.
I LOOK LIKE A LAWYER!
HE LOOKS LIKE A LAWYER, EMILY!
(whispers) I'M SORRY.
THAT'S IT. WE ARE OUT OF HERE. OUT OF HERE!
ROSEMARY, PLEASE! I'M SORRY!
IT'S A NEW ME.
I'M HOME EARLY EVERY NIGHT.
AND THIS WEEK,
I WENT TO TWO SOCCER GAMES,
I GOT A MASSAGE AND I MADE
SOMEBODY WASH MY CAR.
IT WAS FANTASTIC. OH, HOW'S THE FUND-RAISER?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR? EMILY BACKSTABBED ME.
GOOSE WANTS TO KILL HER.
I JUST WANT TO MAIM HER.
ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES,
I GUESS.
THIS ENTIRE WEEK
HAS JUST BEEN
ONE BIG DELICIOUS, YUMMY
CRAP SANDWICH.
YEAH, I HEAR YA.
I USED TO DREAM
ABOUT NAKED WOMEN.
NOW I'M DREAMING
ABOUT FIGHTING A 10-YEAR-OLD.
HI, BABY. SO IS THAT BULLY STILL
PICKING ON YOU AND HORATIO?
NOPE. I ACTUALLY FOLLOWED
AUNT ROSEMARY'S ADVICE
AND TUNED HIM OUT.
PLUS, I HID BEHIND THIS GIRL
WITH REALLY FUNNY TEETH.
IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN
NOTICE ME ANYMORE.
I'M GLAD I COULD BE
OF SERVICE TO SOMEONE.
(imitates explosion)
I'LL JUST BE NEXT DOOR
JUST IN CASE... NOBODY NEEDS ME.
HONEY, I AM SO IMPRESSED
WITH THE WAY YOU HANDLED
THAT SITUATION.
I'M VERY PROUD OF...
HORATIO, YOU LEFT THE MILK
OUT AGAIN!
YOU BETTER GET
YOUR BABY-WATCHING ASS
OVER HERE RIGHT NOW
BEFORE I KICK IT!
OH, MY GOD. I'M HAVING A BULLY FLASHBACK.
I KNOW. ME, TOO.
OH, I'M--I'M SORRY. I THINK
I SLIPPED INTO WORK MODE.
ARE YOU TALKING
TO PEOPLE AT WORK LIKE THAT?
IT MAKES ME A BETTER MOM!
OH. (sighs)
WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I REALIZED?
WHAT?
I AM A ROTTEN FRIEND. I FEEL
SO AWFUL ABOUT ROSEMARY.
BABY, BABY, BABY,
YOU'RE NOT A ROTTEN FRIEND. I AM.
YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND
THAT I KNOW.
YOU'RE THE BEST MOTHER,
BEST LOVER.
I WOULD MAKE LOVE TO YOU
RIGHT NOW
IN A VERY PASSIONATE
BUT RESPECTFUL WAY
IF WE WEREN'T
IN A PRESCHOOL. OH.
THANKS, BABE. BUT THAT DOESN'T
GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID VEST.
EMILY! EMILY, YOU HAVE
TO COME QUICKLY!
GRETCHEN IS IN THE BATHROOM
AND SHE WON'T COME OUT!
IT'S GO TIME.
GO, BABE.
UNLOCK THAT STALL, GRETCHEN!
NO. I'M NEVER COMING OUT.
IT IS THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED. WHAT?
EVA LONGORIA JUST CANCELED.
(gasps)
SHE TOOK ANOTHER GIG.
OHH.
(thud)
GRETCHEN, I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO COME ON OUT OF THAT STALL.
I'D RATHER NOT.
I MAY HAVE FLUSHED MY PANTS.
GRETCHEN, I KNOW WHAT
EVA LONGORIA PARKER
WOULD MEAN TO THIS PRESCHOOL,
BUT WE'RE DOING A FUND-RAISER
FOR OUR CHILDREN TONIGHT,
AND WE'VE GOT
A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
TO GO FIND MY FRIEND ROSEMARY
AND BEG HER TO COME BACK HERE.
GOD KNOWS WHERE SHE IS.
(toilet flushes) I'M HERE
AND I'M READY TO ROCK.
OH, ROSEMARY!
THANK GOD. I'M SO SORRY
FOR EVERYTHING I DID.
QUEEN SKINNY BONES OVER HERE
THREW ME OFF MY GAME.
NOW I SHOULD'VE
STOOD UP FOR YOU.
I SHOULD'VE BEEN THE LEADER
THAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN--
WHO I LOVE TO BE,
THE EMILY WHO FIGHTS
FOR WHAT IS GOOD AND RIGHT AND-- MM, YEAH.
THAT WAS PLENTY. GOT IT.
LISTEN, EVERYBODY THINKS
I'M THE WEIRD MOM.
YOU STAY-AT-HOME MOMS?
TOTALLY BONKERS.
GOOSE, COME ON!
WE GOT A GIG.
(Goose) YEAH, I THINK
I FOUND SOME PANTS IN HERE.
GUYS, LISTEN UP.
I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
YOU ARE SO FUNNY.
NO, BLAIR, SERIOUSLY.
I'M DONE WITH THE BULLYING.
DID YOU GET YOUR HAIR CUT?
NO, I'VE BEEN REALLY...
HOW COME NO ONE
WILL LISTEN TO ME?
HEY, RHODA?
OH, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHIRT.
(scoffs) I'M NOT FALLING FOR THIS.
NO, REALLY, YOU HAVE--
I'M NOT GONNA LOOK DOWN
SO YOU CAN HIT ME IN THE FACE.
STOP IT. I'M TIRED OF THIS.
EVERYBODY'S TIRED OF THIS.
OW!
("Bossy" playing)
NOT SO TOUGH, ARE YOU?
I'M IN CHARGE NOW.
GIVE ME THAT.
I HATE COFFEE. TAKE THAT.
WHERE'S CHRIS? I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO SIT ON CHRIS.
(music stops) IT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU.
GO CHANGE YOUR SHIRT.
I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. HI.
I HATE TO DO THIS, BUT I HAVE
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR SON.
HE'S BULLYING CHILDREN
AT THE BUS STOP.
I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
HE HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE...
(voice breaks)
SINCE HIS FATHER LEFT.
IT'S BEEN SO HARD
TO RAISE HIM ON MY OWN.
(whispers) IT'S...
(normal voice) SO...
SO HARD. (inhales)
(singsongy) MOM, I'M HOME!
(gasps)
(laughs)
HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!
(indistinct conversations)
(taps microphone)
HELLO, LITTLE PANDA PRESCHOOL!
WHOO!
OH! EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT
'CAUSE I'M BACK IN CHARGE.
OKAY? SHE'S BACK! WONDERFUL!
SO I WANNA THANK ALL OF YOU
FOR COMING TONIGHT.
AND I ESPECIALLY WANNA THANK
MY DEAR FRIEND ROSEMARY
FOR UNDERSTANDING
AND ACCEPTING ME
FOR THE COMPLEX-- (Rosemary) GET
OFF THE STAGE! EMILY, WE GOT IT.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER,
EVERYONE, FOR PONY!
WHOO!
(cheering) YEAH!
GOOD MORNING, LITTLE PANDA!
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
THIS FIRST SONG'S
FOR THE CHILDREN.
LET'S KILL THIS, PANDA!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
(playing punk music)
AAH!
(cheering)
IS THAT SKIRT MADE OF TOILET SEAT COVERS?
IT'S GORGEOUS!
♪ IF YOU'RE A GIRL OR A MAN ♪
♪ OR IN THE BACK OF A VAN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA,
I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA ♪
♪ I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA,
I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA ♪
♪ I'M GONNA
BLEEP YOUR BRAINS OUT ♪
WE ALL THINK
IT TURNED OUT REALLY GREAT,
A TRUE COLLABORATION.
IF I SAW THIS ON A TURNPIKE,
I'D STOP HERE EVEN IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO PEE.
(laughs) (woman) I LOVE IT.
(man) YEAH, IT'S VERY, VERY NICE.
SO WOULD I.
(woman) SO NEAT.
WELL, THIS... THIS IS AWFUL.
YEAH, IT, UH, IT REALLY SUCKS, JANE.
(man) I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT ALL ALONG.
(woman) OH, GOD! UGH!
(man) IT'S TERRIBLE.
(woman) REALLY BAD. BLAIR,
YOU TOLD US TO TAKE IT IN THIS DIRECTION.
WELL, NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU
TO TAKE IT IN A NEW DIRECTION--
THE TRASH CAN.
(inhales deeply)
(exhales deeply)
JANE, IT'S THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE
BEEN LATE THIS WEEK, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, I'M JUST A MANNY.
I'M NOT A MACHINE.
ALTHOUGH, IT WOULD BE
PRETTY COOL IF I WAS A MACHINE.
I'M SORRY, HORATIO. MY BOSS
IS ON A REAL TEAR LATELY.
AND MY COWORKERS JUST...
(loudly) SOLD ME OUT!
(normal voice) PLEASE TELL ANNIE
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MAKE IT
TO HER SOCCER GAME AGAIN.
Oh, and try
to keep the baby awake
SO I CAN TELL HER A BEDTIME STORY.
WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?!
NO. FIRST SLOW EYEBLINK,
SHE'S HITTING THE SACK.
SHE'S LITTLE, BUT SHE FIGHTS
DIRTY--SPITTING AND COOING.
OH, THANKS FOR MAKING IT
SOUND SO HORRIBLE, HORATIO.
IT ALMOST MAKES
STAYING AT WORK BEARABLE.
(whispers) GOTTA GO.
(sighs) I FEEL BETTER.
♪♪
(child giggles)
(doorbell rings)
HEY! IT'S MY SISTER...
(chuckles)
AND HER KIDS.
AND HER MANNY. OKAY.
HORATIO!
I HAVEN'T BEEN
TO THE MARKET ALL WEEK.
YOU DON'T MIND IF WE EAT HERE, RIGHT?
NOT AT ALL. I ALWAYS HAVE A HOT MEAL READY
FOR A WORKING MOM WHO CAN'T
GET IT TOGETHER FOR HER KIDS.
IT'S MY DUTY AS A STAY-AT-HOME.
HEY, YOU--YOU KNOW WHAT, HORATIO?
YOU SHOULD COME ON OUT AND KICK
IT WITH ME BY THE GRILL, MAN.
AH, I GOT A RASPBERRY HEFEWEIZEN.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT. YOU HAVE ANY BEER?
(Jason) YEAH. YEAH.
HEY, EMS.
HEY!
WE'RE HERE TO MOOCH.
THE MORE THE MERRIER.
IT'LL BE FUN SPLITTING
FOUR PIECES OF
ORIGAMI SEA BASS EIGHT WAYS.
OH, WE'LL MAKE A GAME OF IT.
SO MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE TODAY.
YEAH, JUST THE BASICS--
"T.J. HOOKER" HOOD SLIDE
AND "THE DUKES OF HAZZARD"
DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW ENTRY.
OH, I DIDN'T REALIZE
THAT TONIGHT WAS
THE DRINKING CONTEST.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?
AH, WORK IS TERRIBLE,
AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT ANNIE.
APPARENTLY, THERE IS
A BULLY AT THE BUS STOP
TERRORIZING ALL THE KIDS.
IS HE MAKING FUN OF HER LITTLE BOOBIES?
NO, SHE'S 11.
IT'S AWFUL. I WAS BULLIED
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE, TOO.
DID THEY MAKE FUN OF YOUR LITTLE BOOBIES?
OKAY, GET OFF THAT.
HEY, MOM, THEY'RE PLAYING
YOUR COMMERCIAL AGAIN.
(woman)
♪ IF YOU'RE A GIRL OR A MAN ♪
♪ OR IN THE BACK OF A VAN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA
CALL-ALL-ALL YOUR BRAINS OUT ♪
THAT SONG YOU MADE BACK
IN THE DAY
JUST MADE US $7 TODAY.
CA-CHING!
OH!
AND THEY ONLY HAD TO CHANGE
ONE WORD. (laughs)
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY FRIEND
WAS THE LEAD SINGER OF PONY.
WE WERE
A SEMINAL PUNK ROCK BAND--
FROM MARCH '84 TO...
LATE JULY...
'84.
OKAY.
YEAH.
IT WAS HARDCORE.
YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME
I HEAR THAT SONG,
IT REMINDS ME
OF THE BACKSEAT
OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND'S
HATCHBACK.
YOU'RE WELCOME. (laughs)
AND THE FRONT SEAT.
AND ONE TIME ON THE HOOD.
WOW.
OKAY. YOU KNOW, ROSEMARY,
IS IT HARD FOR YOU
TO HEAR YOUR PUNK ROCK ANTHEM
BE TURNED INTO
A PHONE COMMERCIAL?
I'M AN ARTIST,
AND I JUST FELT ARTISTICALLY...
MM-HMM.
THAT I WOULD LIKE
TO MAKE A TON OF MONEY.
SO, NOPE, WASN'T THAT HARD.
OKAY, I'M GONNA ASK YOU SOMETHING CRAZY.
IS THERE ANY WAY YOU WOULD
CONSIDER PERFORMING WITH PONY
AT THE EVENT I'M PLANNING?
THE OTHER LADIES
ON THE COMMITTEE WOULD FREAK.
PERFORMING?
(chuckles) I DON'T KNOW.
OH, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
YEAH.
I MEAN, I'D HAVE TO GET THE
BAND BACK TOGETHER... SURE.
AND A LOT OF THOSE GUYS
HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM ANYMORE...
OR PHONES. WHAT'S THE EVENT?
IT'S
A PRESCHOOL FUND-RAISER.
(laughs) (laughs) DID YOU....
DID YOU JUST ASK ME
TO PERFORM WITH PONY
AT A PRESCHOOL FUND-RAISER?
IS THAT WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
OKAY, I DIDN'T REALIZE
IT WAS SUCH A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!
HELLS, YEAH!
YEAH!
WHOO! ROCK 'N' ROLL!
PONY!
♪ AHH ♪
♪ PONY ♪
(all singing indistinctly)
YOU GUYS REALLY DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS.
HONEY, WE'RE HERE TO HELP.
OH, I GUARANTEE YOU'RE
JUST GONNA MAKE IT WORSE.
(boy) WHAT IS THAT STINK,
PERKINS?
DID YOU STEP IN IT
OR JUST EAT IT FOR BREAKFAST?
LOOK AT THAT BULLY
TAKING ON KIDS TWICE HIS SIZE
LIKE IT'S NOTHING.
THANK YOUR MOM WHEN YOU SEE HER,
'CAUSE THESE JICAMA STICKS
JUST SAVED YOU
FROM GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED.
(vehicle approaching)
AH, IF IT ISN'T GOOFUS.
WHAT, NOW YOU HAVE
A LITTLE ENTOURAGE?
I HAVE NEVER SEEN THESE PEOPLE
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
HEY, THAT'S HER LUNCH.
I DON'T KNOW
WHO PACKS HER LUNCH,
BUT THEY'RE ALWAYS NASTY.
I GOT IT.
(clears throat)
LISTEN, BRO,
YOU SEEM COOL--
NICE BABY. DID IT
COME OUT OF YOUR BUTT?
NO.
HEY, YOU HAVE TO REALIZE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE
HURTS PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE POINT, FATSO.
WHAT'D YOU CALL ME?
WHAT'D YOU CALL ME?
STOP IT.
STOP IT.
I MEAN IT! CUT IT OUT!
I MEAN IT! CUT IT OUT!
I'M AN IDIOT!
NICE TO KNOW.
OOH.
WOW. HE'S GOOD.
(laughs)
SUCKS. BAD.
WORSE. AWFUL.
JANE, ARE YOU FEELING WELL?
I'M FINE. ARE YOU SURE?
'CAUSE YOUR WORK LOOKS LIKE
YOU JUST VOMITED
ONTO A PIECE OF PAPER.
OKAY, ENOUGH. BLAIR, LISTEN.
YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS.
YOU CAN'T KEEP THROWING MY WORK
AWAY, MAKING ME STAY LATE.
I NEED TO GO HOME
AND TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS.
JANE, YOU NEED TO BE
MORE LIKE RHODA--
LONELY, BARREN, ALLERGIC
TO CATS. THIS WORK IS HER LIFE.
IT'S ALL I HAVE.
QUIET.
BESIDES, JANE, YOU DRAW
LIKE A DRUNK GORILLA.
THIS NEEDS TO GO.
THIS NEEDS TO GO.
EXCUSE ME?
EXCUSE ME?
YOU NEED TO STOP... RIGHT NOW.
YOU NEED TO STOP... RIGHT NOW.
WHAT THE--OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.
WHAT THE--OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.
ARE YOU--ARE YOU MOCK--
ARE YOU--ARE YOU MOCK--
WHAT THE--HUH?! (gasps)
WHAT THE--HUH?! (gasps)
I DON'T QUITE...
ALL RIGHT, SHOULD WE GET STARTED?
(woman) WONDERFUL.
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING.
AND WE SHOULD ALL THANK MAGGIE
FOR BRINGING
THE TURKEY ROLL-UPS.
RIGHT? AREN'T THEY DELICIOUS?
(woman) MMM!
NOW SHE DIDN'T
MAKE 'EM HERSELF,
BUT SHE DID GET THEM
AT ROBERTSON'S,
WHICH ARE ALMOST AS GOOD AS THE ONES AT GILBERT'S.
OH, I CHECKED GILBERT'S. THEY WERE OUT.
EVEN THE ONE ON FRANKLIN?
SO I HAVE SOME EXCITING NEWS.
MY VERY GOOD
CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND ROSEMARY
FROM THE BAND PONY...
(gasps) HAS AGREED TO
PERFORM AT THE FUND-RAISER!
WHOO! OH!
I LOVE THAT COMMERCIAL!
ISN'T IT GREAT? RIGHT?
I-I CAN'T GET THE SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.
ALL RIGHT,
NOW ON TO PICKING A THEME.
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS?
NO? OKAY, WELL,
I HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE.
I CALL IT "A MAGICAL NIGHT WITH
THE CREATURES OF THE FOREST."
SO IF WE COULD ALL TURN
TO PAGE THREE OF OUR HANDOUT.
EXCUSE ME?
IS SOMEONE INTERRUPTING? YES?
HI. I'M GRETCHEN.
I'M NEW HERE.
I HEARD YOU WERE
LOOKING FOR A THEME,
SO I WHIPPED UP
A LITTLE SOMETHING LAST NIGHT.
OKAY, WELL, I THINK WE'VE ALREADY DECIDED.
SOMEONE GET THE LIGHTS, PLEASE? THANKS.
SO THANK YOU. OKAY.
NOW I CALL MY CONCEPT...
(bubbles gurgling)
"UNDER THE SEA."
(Maggie gasps)
(women murmuring)
SHE'S BLOWN IT WIDE OPEN.
(chuckles)
OKAY, THANK YOU, GRETCHEN.
OKAY, THANKS. THANKS. LIGHTS!
YOU KNOW WHAT, GRETCHEN?
WE'RE NOT FLASHY PEOPLE.
OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION
ONE THING ABOUT MY DESIGN.
MY FRIEND EVA PARKER
WOULD LOVE TO HELP US OUT.
WELL, I THINK WE HAVE
ENOUGH HELP HERE.
OH, I'M SORRY. HER FRIENDS
CALL HER EVA PARKER.
YOU MAY KNOW HER AS EVA LONGORIA PARKER.
(women gasping)
OHH! (gasps) OH, MY GOD!
OKAY... LET'S REFOCUS HERE.
(Gretchen) YEAH, YEAH, WE CAN GET HER. YES.
YEAH, SHE'S A GOOD FRIEND
OF MINE. I MEAN, I'VE KNOWN HER
A FEW YEARS, BUT WE'RE REALLY CLOSE. SURE, YEP,
WELL... WELL, WE COULD DO ANTS ON A LOG OR...
AND I HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER, SO... (speaks
indistinctly) EVEN A PE--A PETTING ZOO?
UH, LISTEN, BLAIR. CAN I TALK TO YOU?
(gasps) OH! NO! DON'T. PLEASE.
NO, ABOUT YESTERDAY-- JANE,
YOUR MOCKING WORDS WERE QUITE EFFECTIVE.
YOU SHOWED ME
WHAT I SOUNDED LIKE.
YOU HELD A MIRROR
UP TO MY FACE,
AND BESIDES THE GORGEOUS
DESIGNER GLASSES,
I DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I SAW,
SO THANK YOU. ANYTHING ELSE?
CAN I GO HOME EARLY?
NO PROBLEM. CARRY ON.
(stapler clicking)
OH.
OH, GOD.
JANE, I'M SO SORRY.
HERE. YOU CAN HAVE MY STAPLER.
(stapler clicks)
(Emily) NO, I TOTALLY
UNDERSTAND. OKAY. BYE-BYE.
WELL, NOW I CAN'T EVEN BRING
MY THRICE-BAKED COOKIES
TO THE FUND-RAISER.
UGH! THIS GRETCHEN WOMAN
IS COMPLETELY TAKING CONTROL
OF THE ENTIRE EVENT.
YEAH.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I FIT IN ANYMORE.
(sighs) YOU KNOW WHAT, EMILY?
WHEN SOMEONE IS
VERY... OBSESSIVE...
MM-HMM? AND CONTROLLING,
JUST TUNE 'EM OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I DO. I'M SO JUST UPSET,
YOU KNOW? EVERY YEAR, THIS EVENT IS LIKE
A NEW AND EXCITING
CHALLENGE FOR ME.
ONCE, I BARGAINED
500 HAWAIIAN DRINK UMBRELLAS
FOR A PENNY APIECE
WHEN EVERYONE SAID
IT COULDN'T BE DONE.
THAT HIGH LASTED SIX MONTHS.
(cymbal crashes)
WELL, I LIKE THE IDEA OF A HIGH
THAT LASTS FOR SIX MONTHS.
(sighs) BUT, UM, HERE.
LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING. SIT DOWN.
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS,
THIS EVENT
ISN'T ABOUT THE GLITZ.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GLAMOUR.
IT'S ABOUT THE CHILDREN.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT TIME
THAT PONY PLAYED FARM AID III.
WE WERE THERE TO RAISE MONEY
TO BUY SHOES AND CLOTHES
FOR COWS AND CHICKENS.
THOSE CHICKENS NEEDED US
JUST THE WAY THESE KIDS...
NEED EMILY.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, ROSEMARY.
HA HA!
I AM GONNA PITCH IN
AND DO IT FOR THE KIDS.
AND PONY IS GONNA
BE THERE TO SUPPORT YOU
WITH THE UNIVERSAL POWER
OF MUSIC!
HUH?! AM I RIGHT, GUYS?!
YES.
(man) SURE.
RIGHT ON.
THANK YOU, ROSEMARY, FOR GIVING
ME A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE.
HEY, ARE THOSE MY SCARVES?
I DON'T KNOW. ARE THEY?
I DON'T KNOW. ARE THEY?
(whispers) OKAY.
WOW. I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU HOME
FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
WELL, I SORT OF MAKE
MY OWN HOURS NOW.
(sighs) HOW'S IT GOING
WITH ANNIE AND THAT BULLY?
HMM. I GOT THIS CLOWN.
I'VE PROFILED THIS KID,
AND NOW I'M IN HIS HEAD.
I'M GONNA GO ALL DR. PHIL ON HIM.
THAT'S GREAT, HORATIO,
BECAUSE WE CANNOT LET THIS BULLY
GET AWAY WITH IT,
EVEN THOUGH
YOU CAN SORT OF UNDERSTAND
THE NEED TO CONTROL
AN OUT OF CONTROL WORLD...
THE POWER, GETTING TO SPEND
MORE TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY,
GETTING WHAT YOU WANT
WHEN YOU WANT IT.
(Kelis' "Bossy" playing)
♪ I'M BOSSY, I'M THE BITCH
Y'ALL LOVE TO HATE ♪
♪ I'M THE CHICK
THAT'S RAISED THE STAKES ♪
♪ I TOLD YOUNG STUNNA
HE SHOULD SWITCH TO BAPE ♪
♪ I'M BACK WITH AN 808
'CAUSE I'M BOSSY ♪
♪ OOH, LET ME SLOW IT DOWN SO YOU
CAN CATCH THE FLOW ♪ (cheering)
♪ SCREW IT UP,
MAKE IT GO EXTRA SLOW ♪ (gasps)
♪ REAL GIRLS GET DOWN ON THE
FLOOR ♪ (coos and laughs)
♪ ON THE FLOOR,
GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR ♪
♪♪
NO BABY THIS TIME.
JUST YOU AND ME.
YOU KNOW THE PERSON YOU HURT
MOST WITH YOUR BULLYING?
IT'S YOU, BRO. THE BULLY.
YOU MAY NOT SEE THIS
RIGHT NOW,
BUT YOU'RE
CHASING EVERYBODY AWAY.
YEAH. I DO FEEL LIKE
NONE OF THESE PEOPLE LIKE ME.
(sighs)
IT'S OKAY TO CRY, BRO.
YOU AND I--
WE'RE CONNECTING.
TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR HOME LIFE.
WELL, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH.
ANY TIME I SEE FOOD,
I JUST WANNA HORDE IT.
CLASSIC STARVATION BEHAVIOR.
AND WHEN I CALLED YOU FATSO,
I WAS JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE
OF ALL THE FOOD YOU HAVE TO EAT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOT THAT MUCH.
BUT ANYWAY, LISTEN...
TAKE THIS $20.
NO ONE HAS TO KNOW
WHERE IT CAME FROM.
JUST GO BUY SOME FOOD.
YOU EVER GET HUNGRY AGAIN,
COME SEE ME, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
HEY,
BE NICE TO THEM KIDS, HUH?
HEY, YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY!
THIS IS CASHMERE, TURDFACE.
(laughs)
OKAY, LADIES, NOW WHEN
THE KELP CURTAIN OPENS,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CLEAR THIS AREA. CONNIE?
EVA'S GONNA BE LOWERED
ONTO THE ENORMOUS CLAMSHELL.
CONNIE, COULD YOU MOVE?
CONNIE?
(chuckles) I MEAN,
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
HI, GRETCHEN.
OH, HI!
HI. SO I'M HERE TO HELP,
AT YOUR SERVICE.
ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO HELP MAKE THIS FUND-RAISER
GREAT FOR THE KIDS.
YOU KNOW, DECORATIONS, I COULD BEDAZZLE
THE CLAMSHELL-- PARKING LOT DUTY.
I'M SORRY?
PERFECT.
OH, BUT, UM, WELL, UNLIKE YOU,
I-I LOOK TERRIBLE IN ORANGE.
OH, I KNOW.
OH, ALSO AS IT TURNS OUT, EVA
SAID SHE WOULD DO SOME SINGING
AS WELL AS SOME
LIGHT STAND-UP.
WOW! THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH.
IT TURNS OUT WE'RE THE REAL DESPERATE
HOUSEWIVES. (women laughing)
SHE IS GONNA BE GREAT.
BUT THEN I GUESS
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY TIME
LEFT FOR PONY TO PERFORM.
SO I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THE
ONE TO TELL HER THAT. WAIT, WAIT.
NO, BUT WE CAN'T JUST TOSS THEM
ASIDE AT THE LAST MINUTE.
ALSO, EVA WAS SO EXCITED
TO PERFORM, SHE SAID SHE WOULD
DONATE A ROMANTIC DINNER
WITH HER AND HER HUSBAND
AT THE SILENT AUCTION. WHAT?!
(women gasp)
OH, MY GOD!
OKAY, I NEED THAT DINNER.
I'M GONNA GO CALL MY BROKER
AND TELL HIM
TO JUST SELL EVERYTHING.
(chuckles) WE ARE GONNA RAISE THE
ROOF UP IN HERE! WHOO! (women laugh)
LITERALLY. WE'RE GONNA GENERATE
SO MUCH MONEY
WITH THIS FUND-RAISER,
WE'RE GONNA PUT IN
A SECOND STORY.
SO YOU'LL TELL ROSEMARY THEN?
GREAT. CONNIE?
I--WAIT, BUT...
HEY, EMILY. ME AND THE BAND JUST
CAME BY TO CHECK OUT THE VENUE.
COULD I TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?
OH, WOW. THIS IS GONNA BE
EVEN BIGGER THAN WE THOUGHT!
OH, MY GOD,
I JUST GOT REALLY NERVOUS.
OKAY, WELL, IT SEEMS
THAT, UM, EVA PARKER--
UH, SORRY.
EVA LONGORIA PARKER--
WELL, SHE'S GONNA DO SOME SONGS
AND SOME LIGHT STAND-UP.
EVA LONGORIA PARKER IS
OPENING FOR US?! (gasps)
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! (laughs)
ROSEMARY, GRETCHEN SAYS WE DON'T
NEED PONY TO PERFORM ANYMORE.
WHAT?
WELL, EMILY, WHY WOULD YOU
LET GRETCHEN MAKE THAT DECISION?
I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST,
IT'S A FUND-RAISER,
AND SHE DONATED SOME DINNER
TO A SILENT AUCTION.
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S--
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU SAID.
IT'S FOR THE KIDS, RIGHT?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE GAVE UP
TO BE HERE?
ICEMAN CANCELED A CONFERENCE
IN MAUI.
MAVERICK--UP ALL NIGHT
TRYING TO CATCH A BAT.
AND GOOSE BOUGHT SHOES.
I LOOK LIKE A LAWYER!
HE LOOKS LIKE A LAWYER, EMILY!
(whispers) I'M SORRY.
THAT'S IT. WE ARE OUT OF HERE. OUT OF HERE!
ROSEMARY, PLEASE! I'M SORRY!
IT'S A NEW ME.
I'M HOME EARLY EVERY NIGHT.
AND THIS WEEK,
I WENT TO TWO SOCCER GAMES,
I GOT A MASSAGE AND I MADE
SOMEBODY WASH MY CAR.
IT WAS FANTASTIC. OH, HOW'S THE FUND-RAISER?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR? EMILY BACKSTABBED ME.
GOOSE WANTS TO KILL HER.
I JUST WANT TO MAIM HER.
ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES,
I GUESS.
THIS ENTIRE WEEK
HAS JUST BEEN
ONE BIG DELICIOUS, YUMMY
CRAP SANDWICH.
YEAH, I HEAR YA.
I USED TO DREAM
ABOUT NAKED WOMEN.
NOW I'M DREAMING
ABOUT FIGHTING A 10-YEAR-OLD.
HI, BABY. SO IS THAT BULLY STILL
PICKING ON YOU AND HORATIO?
NOPE. I ACTUALLY FOLLOWED
AUNT ROSEMARY'S ADVICE
AND TUNED HIM OUT.
PLUS, I HID BEHIND THIS GIRL
WITH REALLY FUNNY TEETH.
IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN
NOTICE ME ANYMORE.
I'M GLAD I COULD BE
OF SERVICE TO SOMEONE.
(imitates explosion)
I'LL JUST BE NEXT DOOR
JUST IN CASE... NOBODY NEEDS ME.
HONEY, I AM SO IMPRESSED
WITH THE WAY YOU HANDLED
THAT SITUATION.
I'M VERY PROUD OF...
HORATIO, YOU LEFT THE MILK
OUT AGAIN!
YOU BETTER GET
YOUR BABY-WATCHING ASS
OVER HERE RIGHT NOW
BEFORE I KICK IT!
OH, MY GOD. I'M HAVING A BULLY FLASHBACK.
I KNOW. ME, TOO.
OH, I'M--I'M SORRY. I THINK
I SLIPPED INTO WORK MODE.
ARE YOU TALKING
TO PEOPLE AT WORK LIKE THAT?
IT MAKES ME A BETTER MOM!
OH. (sighs)
WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I REALIZED?
WHAT?
I AM A ROTTEN FRIEND. I FEEL
SO AWFUL ABOUT ROSEMARY.
BABY, BABY, BABY,
YOU'RE NOT A ROTTEN FRIEND. I AM.
YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND
THAT I KNOW.
YOU'RE THE BEST MOTHER,
BEST LOVER.
I WOULD MAKE LOVE TO YOU
RIGHT NOW
IN A VERY PASSIONATE
BUT RESPECTFUL WAY
IF WE WEREN'T
IN A PRESCHOOL. OH.
THANKS, BABE. BUT THAT DOESN'T
GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID VEST.
EMILY! EMILY, YOU HAVE
TO COME QUICKLY!
GRETCHEN IS IN THE BATHROOM
AND SHE WON'T COME OUT!
IT'S GO TIME.
GO, BABE.
UNLOCK THAT STALL, GRETCHEN!
NO. I'M NEVER COMING OUT.
IT IS THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED. WHAT?
EVA LONGORIA JUST CANCELED.
(gasps)
SHE TOOK ANOTHER GIG.
OHH.
(thud)
GRETCHEN, I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO COME ON OUT OF THAT STALL.
I'D RATHER NOT.
I MAY HAVE FLUSHED MY PANTS.
GRETCHEN, I KNOW WHAT
EVA LONGORIA PARKER
WOULD MEAN TO THIS PRESCHOOL,
BUT WE'RE DOING A FUND-RAISER
FOR OUR CHILDREN TONIGHT,
AND WE'VE GOT
A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
TO GO FIND MY FRIEND ROSEMARY
AND BEG HER TO COME BACK HERE.
GOD KNOWS WHERE SHE IS.
(toilet flushes) I'M HERE
AND I'M READY TO ROCK.
OH, ROSEMARY!
THANK GOD. I'M SO SORRY
FOR EVERYTHING I DID.
QUEEN SKINNY BONES OVER HERE
THREW ME OFF MY GAME.
NOW I SHOULD'VE
STOOD UP FOR YOU.
I SHOULD'VE BEEN THE LEADER
THAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN--
WHO I LOVE TO BE,
THE EMILY WHO FIGHTS
FOR WHAT IS GOOD AND RIGHT AND-- MM, YEAH.
THAT WAS PLENTY. GOT IT.
LISTEN, EVERYBODY THINKS
I'M THE WEIRD MOM.
YOU STAY-AT-HOME MOMS?
TOTALLY BONKERS.
GOOSE, COME ON!
WE GOT A GIG.
(Goose) YEAH, I THINK
I FOUND SOME PANTS IN HERE.
GUYS, LISTEN UP.
I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
YOU ARE SO FUNNY.
NO, BLAIR, SERIOUSLY.
I'M DONE WITH THE BULLYING.
DID YOU GET YOUR HAIR CUT?
NO, I'VE BEEN REALLY...
HOW COME NO ONE
WILL LISTEN TO ME?
HEY, RHODA?
OH, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHIRT.
(scoffs) I'M NOT FALLING FOR THIS.
NO, REALLY, YOU HAVE--
I'M NOT GONNA LOOK DOWN
SO YOU CAN HIT ME IN THE FACE.
STOP IT. I'M TIRED OF THIS.
EVERYBODY'S TIRED OF THIS.
OW!
("Bossy" playing)
NOT SO TOUGH, ARE YOU?
I'M IN CHARGE NOW.
GIVE ME THAT.
I HATE COFFEE. TAKE THAT.
WHERE'S CHRIS? I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO SIT ON CHRIS.
(music stops) IT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU.
GO CHANGE YOUR SHIRT.
I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. HI.
I HATE TO DO THIS, BUT I HAVE
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR SON.
HE'S BULLYING CHILDREN
AT THE BUS STOP.
I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
HE HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE...
(voice breaks)
SINCE HIS FATHER LEFT.
IT'S BEEN SO HARD
TO RAISE HIM ON MY OWN.
(whispers) IT'S...
(normal voice) SO...
SO HARD. (inhales)
(singsongy) MOM, I'M HOME!
(gasps)
(laughs)
HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!
(indistinct conversations)
(taps microphone)
HELLO, LITTLE PANDA PRESCHOOL!
WHOO!
OH! EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT
'CAUSE I'M BACK IN CHARGE.
OKAY? SHE'S BACK! WONDERFUL!
SO I WANNA THANK ALL OF YOU
FOR COMING TONIGHT.
AND I ESPECIALLY WANNA THANK
MY DEAR FRIEND ROSEMARY
FOR UNDERSTANDING
AND ACCEPTING ME
FOR THE COMPLEX-- (Rosemary) GET
OFF THE STAGE! EMILY, WE GOT IT.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER,
EVERYONE, FOR PONY!
WHOO!
(cheering) YEAH!
GOOD MORNING, LITTLE PANDA!
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
THIS FIRST SONG'S
FOR THE CHILDREN.
LET'S KILL THIS, PANDA!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
(playing punk music)
AAH!
(cheering)
IS THAT SKIRT MADE OF TOILET SEAT COVERS?
IT'S GORGEOUS!
♪ IF YOU'RE A GIRL OR A MAN ♪
♪ OR IN THE BACK OF A VAN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA,
I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA ♪
♪ I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA,
I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA ♪
♪ I'M GONNA
BLEEP YOUR BRAINS OUT ♪