In the Motherhood (2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - Vacation - full transcript
OKAY, ANNIE, READY FOR
A FUN WEEK WITH YOUR DAD?
HEY, WAIT A SECOND. THIS FEELS
EMPTY. YOU AND DAD JUST GOT SEPARATED,
AND HE'S GONNA TRY
AND BUY MY LOVE,
AND I'M GONNA NEED SOMETHING
TO CARRY IT IN.
THAT'S GOOD THINKING, KID.
GO FOR HIGH-END ELECTRONICS.
AND IF YOU RUN OUT OF STUFF
YOU WANT, GET ME A KINDLE.
I'M SICK OF FLIPPIN' PAGES
LIKE A SCHMUCK.
HERE YOU GO.
I LOVE YOU. LOVE YA.
ALL RIGHT.
NO "R" -RATED MOVIES THIS TIME.
IF ARMS COME OFF
OR TOPS COME OFF,
I DON'T WANT YOU
WATCHING IT.
DIVORCE IS SO
SAD, YOU KNOW?
I'M GUESSING.
HAPPILY MARRIED,
GUILTY AS CHARGED.
SOPHIE'S ASLEEP. ACTUALLY,
SHE'S BEEN ASLEEP FOR A WHILE.
I HAD TO COMPOSE MYSELF AFTER
I READ HER "THE GIVING TREE."
I HOPE SOMEDAY I FIND A PLANT
THAT'LL SHOW ME
THAT KIND OF LOVE.
WELL, YOU'VE GOT A WEEK.
GOOD LUCK.
JANE. JANE, SO, UM,
ARE YOU STILL PAYING HORATIO
SINCE YOU'RE MAKING HIM
TAKE THIS VACATION?
YEAH, HALF PAY.
IT'S WHAT WE USUALLY DO.
YEAH... HALF PAY.
THAT'S INTERESTING.
SO I GUESS ON HIS WEEK OFF,
HE COULD GO OUT TO HALF A MOVIE
AND THEN GO BACK HOME AND PAY
HALF HIS UTILITY BILL.
THAT'S--
YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY FAIR.
I ACTUALLY SEND MY MAILMAN
A MUFFIN BASKET
- EVERY DAY HE'S ON VACATION.
- OKAY, FINE.
FULL PAY.
THANK YOU.
IT'S NOT MUFFINS, BUT...
THANK YOU, ROSEMARY.
YEAH. IT'S A TACTIC I LEARNED
WHEN I WAS AN ORGANIZER
FOR THE MUSICIANS' UNION
BACK IN THE '80s.
THAT, AND HOW TO BOOST
A ROADIE'S SELF-ESTEEM.
OKAY, GOOD-BYE. LET'S GO.
DON'T FORGET
TO FEED THE BABY.
SHE NEEDS FOOD TO GROW.
THANK YOU.
I HAVE NO WORK FOR A WEEK.
50% LESS KIDS.
SPRING BREAK HAS BEGUN,
BITCHES!
WHOO!
WHOO!
I WOULDN'T TAKE
THAT TOP OFF JUST YET.
GOSH, YEAH.
WELL, MY BEST VACATION
WAS DEFINITELY NEW ORLEANS.
MY GOD.
I FLASHED SO MANY GUYS.
YOU KNOW, SOME TIME I WANNA
GO THERE DURING MARDI GRAS.
I JUST WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME
BONDING WITH SOPHIE.
FULL-TIME, MOM STYLE.
OOH, I BET I'LL EVEN BE ABLE
TO GET IN SOME "ME" TIME.
MAYBE I'LL WATCH
ALL THE EPISODES OF "LOST."
I'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW,
BUT PEOPLE AT WORK
SEEM TO REALLY LIKE IT.
I'VE LEARNED TO JUST NOD
AND SAY, "WHAT IS UP
WITH THAT ISLAND?"
THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
NOTHING. I WAS JUST,
UM, TEXTING WITH SOME
OF THE OTHER STAY-AT-HOME MOMS
ABOUT YOUR "ME TIME" FANTASY.
WELL, IT'S NICE TO KNOW I HAVE
THE SUPPORT OF MY SISTER.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TAKEN CARE
OF KIDS WITHOUT A NANNY BEFORE.
WELL, SURE, BUT, YOU KNOW,
THAT WAS BEFORE YOUR DIVORCE.
I MEAN, YOU HAD A HUSBAND
TO HELP OUT.
PLEASE, HE BARELY
HELPED MAKE THE KIDS.
I FEEL LIKE I DID
A PRETTY GOOD JOB
RAISING SYD ON MY OWN.
OF COURSE, I'M NOT GONNA
TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.
TV DID PICK UP A LOT OF THE SLACK.
SO WHAT KIND OF EDUCATIONAL VACATION
HAVE YOU AND JASON PLANNED
FOR THE FAMILY?
YOU GUYS GONNA LEARN HOW
TO MAKE CHEESE WITH SOME MONKS?
NOT AGAIN, NO. NO.
THIS YEAR, WE'RE, UM,
TAKING A "STAYCATION."
YOU DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
YOU JUST EXPLORE YOUR HOMETOWN.
WELL, WITH THE ECONOMY
THE WAY IT IS, YOU KNOW,
I FEEL LIKE A STAYCATION
IS REALLY THE ONLY
RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO.
PLUS, I THINK IT'S GONNA
BRING US CLOSER TOGETHER
AS A FAMILY.
SO, KIDS, I'VE MADE US
A GUIDEBOOK TO OUR HOUSE.
OKAY, SO, FOR INSTANCE,
IT SAYS HERE
YOU CAN CHECK OUT THE WORK
OF LOCAL ARTISTS
ON THE REFRIGERATOR.
OKAY, SO LET'S EACH READ IT,
AND THEN WE CAN PICK A PLACE
WE WANNA GO.
I PICK DENVER. YOU CAN'T PICK
DENVER, BECAUSE IT'S A STAYCATION.
STAY HERE.
I WISH
I COULD BE AT SCHOOL.
CAN I GO TO MY ROOM?
YES, GO TO YOUR ROOMS.
YEAH.
GO TO YOUR ROOMS AND-- AND EXPLORE THEM
AS IF YOU'RE SEEING THEM
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
YOU KNOW, IT SAYS HERE
THEY WERE ECLECTICALLY DESIGNED
TO REFLECT THE PERSONALITY
OF THE OCCUPANTS!
OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY'LL BE FINE. FINE.
YEAH. THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT
WHEN WE SWITCHED TO RICE
MILK, EITHER... MNH-MNH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, EVENTUALLY,
THEY FORGOT WHAT
THE GOOD STUFF TASTES LIKE.
YEAH. TAKE THAT, REAL MILK.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT...
LET'S SEE
WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.
HELLO?
HI, HONEY.
HEY.
IS SOMEBODY IN THERE?
HORATIO.
CAN YOU SEE ME?
OF COURSE I CAN SEE YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD
TAKE CARE OF HER BY YOURSELF.
HA! YOU THINK
I'M A BAD MOM.
NO, LOOK, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU'RE AT WORK ALL THE TIME.
YOU DON'T BATHE HER.
YOU RARELY FEED HER.
AND IN FACT, TO BE HONEST,
YOU DON'T HAVE THE VOCAL RANGE
TO PULL OFF SOME OF HER FAVORITE SONGS. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE LOVES MY SINGING.
JANE, LET'S NOT MAKE THIS WORSE
THAN IT ALREADY IS.
LOOK, HORATIO,
I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL,
BUT I DON'T NEED YOU. FINE.
I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.
BUT JUST IN CASE,
I LEFT YOU SOME POINTERS
ON THESE Post-it NOTES, OKAY?
HER STUFFED BUNNY'S
CALLED "BUNNY."
HERE'S A GREAT RECIPE
FOR MASHED BANANAS.
THIS IS HER FAVORITE
BURPING POSITION.
AND I LEFT YOU A LITTLE NOTE
ON THE COOKIE JAR.
"BABIES DON'T EAT
COOKIES YET."
GET OUT.
FINE. AT LEAST LET ME
CHANGE HER PAJAMAS.
YOU GOT HER IN DUCK TOP
AND PENGUIN BOTTOMS.
I MEAN, THOSE ARE
NATURAL ENEMIES IN THE WILD.
SHE'S GONNA BE CONFUSED. I'M HER MOM.
I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR
OR SEE YOU FOR A WEEK.
GET OUT
AND TAKE THE TRASH WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
FINE.
NAILED IT.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
LEAVE!
I REALLY THINK
DORA THE EXPLORER'S JUMPED THE
SHARK, YOU KNOW? YEAH.
I MEAN, WITH THAT
WHOLE ICE PRINCESS THING?
COME ON. IT'S NOT EVEN
GROUNDED ANYMORE.
HEY, JERK.
HEY, ROSEMARY.
HEY.
HEY, GUYS, THIS IS ROSEMARY.
THE WOMAN I WAS
TELLING YOU ABOUT.
ROSEMARY,
THESE ARE MY NANNY FRIENDS--
DORIS, EUGENIA AND ABBY.
HEY, GALS.
YOU ARE THE WOMAN WHO GOT HORATIO A PAID
VACATION. COME ON, IT WAS NOTHING.
JUST KNOCKED SOME HEADS
TOGETHER AND MADE IT HAPPEN.
MY FAMILY DOESN'T PAY FOR MY GAS
WHEN I DRIVE THE KIDS AROUND.
THE FAMILY I WORK FOR SAYS
WE HAVE TO SHOO AWAY COYOTES.
NO HEALTH INSURANCE.
I NEED NEW TEETH.
YES, YOU DO.
CAN YOU HELP US?
NO.
BUT I CAN HELP YOU
TO HELP YOURSELVES.
LISTEN, GIVE A NANNY A BOTTLE,
SHE'LL WORK FOR A DAY.
BUT TEACH A NANNY
TO BREAST-FEED,
AND THAT NANNY WILL WORK
FOR A LIFETIME.
SO... YES, THEN?
YES. YES!
COME ON, LADIES. WHAT WE NEED
TO DO IS GO ON STRIKE.
UNION! WHOO!
WHOO!
UNION!
EUGENIA.
YEAH, LET'S, UM...
NO SMILING. JUST FOR
THE COURSE OF THE STRIKE.
THAT'LL BE OUR POLICY.
NO, NO.
DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH.
IT'S BEEN IN THE TOILET.
HELLO?
HI, JANE. IT'S BLAIR.
HOW'S THE VACATION?
IT'S GOOD. SOPHIE DID THE CUTEST--
YEAH, DON'T NEED ANOTHER DOG STORY.
HERE'S THE THING. I NEED YOU
TO GO OVER THE PLANS
FOR THE ABBOT KINNEY PROJECT.
WHAT? I'M NOT AT WORK.
EXACTLY. THAT WAY,
YOU CAN REALLY FOCUS ON THIS
AND TURN THINGS AROUND FAST.
I'M SENDING OVER A MESSENGER
WITH THE BLUEPRINTS.
LOVE OUR CHATS. BYE!
HEY, JIMMY,
HOW'S THE BYPASS SURGERY?
'CAUSE THE COFFEE'S NOT
MAKING ITSELF OVER HERE!
NO, NO, THAT'S BEEN
IN THE TOILET, TOO.
OOH!
HERE WE GO. BREAK IT DOWN.
HERE WE GO.
OKAY, SO WE ARE GONNA DIG FOR
FOSSILS AND ARROWHEADS. OKAY.
YEAH, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW
WHO USED TO LIVE
ON THIS VERY GROUND.
WASN'T IT A GAY COUPLE WITH A CHOW?
YES, IT WAS, BUT BEFORE THAT,
IT WAS PRIMITIVE MAN.
THIS DIRT HAS A STORY
TO TELL, SO...
TALK TO US, DIRT.
MOMMY, IS THIS STAYCATION
SOME KIND OF A PUNISHMENT?
NO, SWEETIE,
IT'S NOT A PUNISHMENT.
IT'S A WAY FOR US
TO SHOW THE WORLD
WHAT KIND OF FAMILY WE ARE. THE KIND OF
FAMILY THAT DOESN'T LIKE TO HAVE FUN?
NO, THE KIND OF FAMILY THAT
APPRECIATES THEIR OWN BACKYARD.
OKAY? NOW LESS TALKING, MORE DIGGING.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
IS THIS THE SWEATER I MADE YOU
FOR CHRISTMAS TWO YEARS AGO,
THE ONE THAT GOT "LOST"
AT THE CLEANERS?
NO, MOMMY, THAT IS
AN ANCIENT CHRISTMAS SWEATER...
FROM THE DINOSAUR DAYS. I TOOK
A KNITTING CLASS TO MAKE YOU THAT SWEATER
AND A MATCHING SCARF.
WELL, I WOULDN'T DIG
OVER THERE, THEN.
- ARE YOU GUYS GONNA GET A DIVORCE?
- NO!
I FOUND DINOSAUR POOP!
HEY, I FOUND THAT FIRST!
NO, NO. OKAY, DROP--
NO. LET'S--OKAY, YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW, LET IT GO, LET IT GO.
DROP IT! STOP! STOP! JASON,
WHAT ARE WE DOING? OKAY?
I'LL SAY IT. THIS STAYCATION
IS A TOTAL DISASTER.
I KNOW THAT, OKAY?
BUT I THINK WE JUST NEED
TO REMIND OURSELVES WHY
WE DID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WE START OVER,
AND WE DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME.
OKAY, OR--AND JUST
HEAR ME OUT HERE--
WE COULD GO TO HAWAII. I'M WAY
AHEAD OF YOU. I'M ALREADY PACKED.
- SO WE'RE GOING TO HAWAII?
- YEAH.
YES, WE ARE. COME ON. LET'S
WASH OUR HANDS FIRST, THOUGH.
SOPHIE...
HONEY, I HAVE WORK TO DO. I WILL
BE THERE IN JUST A MINUTE. I--
AAH!
SUGAR!
OKAY, I'M COMING.
HEY, HOW ABOUT TV?
YOU WANNA WATCH TV?
BABIES LOVE TV.
WHERE IS THAT MOVIE?
THAT'S A LOT OF ZELLWEGER.
I GOTTA GET OUT MORE.
FORGET THE MOVIE.
I'LL ACT IT OUT.
I'LL ACT IT OUT.
LOOK, YOU LOVE THIS.
I'M A COW.
AND I LIKE TO
WALK AROUND THE FARM.
ALL RIGHT, UM, OKAY.
YOU DON'T LIKE THE COW.
THE REMOTE CONTROL.
YOU WANT THAT BACK?
UM... COOKIES! I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE COOKIES.
ALL RIGHT.
MY GOD...
THE NOTES.
YES!
YOU STAY RIGHT THERE. I'M GONNA
GO GET HORATIO'S NOTES.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, SOPHIE!
MAN, WE DRINK A LOT OF WINE.
YES!
CRAP.
CRAP.
CRAP!
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
WAFFLES, STOP IT!
YOU'RE EATING THE SECOND FLOOR!
BAD DOG!
SOPHIE, IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
MOMMY JUST LOCKED HERSELF OUT.
MOMMY'S A GOOD MOMMY.
IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
WELL... YES!
WHAT DID I THINK
I WAS GONNA DO WITH THIS?
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, HONEY.
MOMMY'S GONNA TRY SOMETHING.
ONE...
TWO... THREE!
AAH!
DID NOT STICK THE LANDING.
YOU REALLY THINK
THIS IS GONNA WORK?
OF COURSE IT'LL WORK.
IT'S A CLASSIC SICK-OUT.
NANNIES CALL IN SICK,
GIVE THE PARENTS A TASTE
OF LIFE WITHOUT 'EM.
THOSE POOR SAPS.
THEY'LL BE UP TO THEIR NECKS IN
DIRTY DIAPERS BY NOON. DORIS!
DORIS! HEY!
PLEASE COME BACK TO WORK.
THIS MORNING, THE BABY
WOKE UP AT, LIKE, 6:00 A.M.
IS THAT NORMAL?
YES.
OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
MAYBE A FLASHLIGHT FOR WHEN
YOU GO COYOTE SHOOING.
SHE NEEDS ME. I SHOULD GO.
NO, DORIS, WE CAN'T LET
THESE MOMMIES PEEL US AWAY
ONE AT A TIME. WE MUST DEAL
WITH THEM AS A GROUP.
LET ME SAY IT THIS WAY--
ONE STICK ALONE IS WEAK.
BUT MANY STICKS,
BUNDLED TOGETHER,
ALL IN THE SAME DIRECTION,
ARE STRONG.
IS THAT FASCISM?
YES. YES, IT IS FASCISM.
WE WILL COME TOGETHER TODAY
AT THE TABLE--
THE PICNIC TABLE--
TO NEGOTIATE A CONTRACT
FOR ALL OF US...
AFTER THE RALLY.
BUT I KNOW WHAT WE'RE--
WE DO NOT SPEAK TO MOMMIES UNTIL
AFTER THE RALLY. BUT CAN I--
AFTER THE RALLY.
BUT I CAN HAVE--
AFTER THE RALLY.
BUT WHAT--
AFTER... THE RALLY.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, LADIES?
- WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!
- WHOO!
I NEED NEW TEETH.
AND I NEED YOU
TO GET NEW TEETH, EUGENIA.
THAT IS MY INSPIRATION.
HI, WE'RE NOT
HOME, BUT WE CAN'T BE TOO FAR,
- BECAUSE WE'RE ON A...
- STAYCATION!
IT'S NOT
JUST FUN. IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
It's Jane.
Call me as soon as you get this.
I need a spare key to my house.
SOPHIE, HONEY, I'M TRYING.
IS THAT A POLAR BEAR
IN THE JUNGLE?
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT ISLAND?
YES.
MOMMY'S COMING, SOPHIE!
HIDE A KEY? COME ON!
AAH!
COMING, SOPHIE!
COME ON!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
WON'T CHANGE DIAPERS ANYMORE!
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!
COME ON, MOMS, NEGOTIATE!
YES, WE... CAN.
ALL RIGHT, NANNIES!
LISTEN UP!
I HEAR YOU!
THE MOMMIES HEAR YOU!
AND PRETTY SOON,
THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL HEAR YOU.
THIS STRUGGLE IS NOT ABOUT MONEY
OR VACATION DAYS.
NO! IT IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE
WHO TAKE CARE
OF THIS CITY'S CHILDREN.
PEOPLE LIKE CONSUELA,
WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE
MACARONI AND CHEESE LUMPY,
EXACTLY THE WAY
LITTLE CAITLIN LIKES IT.
PEOPLE LIKE TANYA, WHO TAKES
THREE BUSES TO GET TO HER JOB
WHERE 7-YEAR-OLD JOSHUA THINKS
IT'S FUNNY TO HONK HER BOOBS.
AND PEOPLE LIKE THIS GUY
RIGHT HERE--
HORATIO, WHO WORKS TIRELESSLY
AT A JOB
THAT NO SELF-RESPECTING MAN
WOULD EVER,
EVER, EVER,
EVER, EVER TAKE.
NANNIES UNITED
WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
NANNIES UNITED
WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
NANNIES UNITED
WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
NANNIES
UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
IT'S JANE!
NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
TALK TO ME.
HORATIO, I NEED YOU!
WELL, HORATIO'S NOT
AT YOUR BECK AND CALL ANYMORE.
HE'S ON STRIKE, BABY!
SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S GOTTEN HERSELF
INTO A LITTLE BIT OF A PICKLE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SHE'S LOCKED OUT, BABY INSIDE.
WHAT? BOTTOM LINE--
WE'VE GOT LEVERAGE.
I SAY WE HOLD OUT FOR FULL DENTAL AND
DISNEYLAND TICKETS. I HAVE TO SAVE SOPHIE!
JANE, I'M COMING!
YEAH...
I SHOULD PROBABLY GO, TOO.
SHE IS MY FRIEND AND ALL.
PLUS, THAT MEGAPHONE
IS A PAIN IN MY HOO-HA.
EUGENIA, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.
BUT I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH
SO GOOD.
NO, EUGENIA...
YOU NO SPEAK ENGLISH
JUST FINE.
HANG TOUGH.
NO, WAFFLES. NO! GET AWAY!
JANE!
HORATIO?
ARE YOU OKAY?
MY SHOULDER'S STUCK.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, I'M GONNA
DISLOCATE YOUR SHOULDER.
IT'LL BE THE WORST PAIN
YOU'VE EVER FELT,
BUT THEN YOU'LL PASS OUT,
SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. WAIT! WAIT!
WHY--WHY DON'T YOU JUST PULL FIRST?
LET'S-- ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TRY THAT.
OKAY, ON THE COUNT OF THREE--READY?
OKAY.
ONE!
TWO!
AAH!
THREE!
YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T HAVE MY KEY.
WHAT?
WAIT. I HAVE A HIDE A KEY. NO!
I THREW IT THROUGH THE WINDOW.
NO, I GOT A BUNCH
OF 'EM HERE. SEE THE "K"?
THAT'S FOR "KEY." OKAY. WHAT?
HERE YOU GO.
OKAY, HONEY, I'M COMING!
SOPHIE, BABY!
COME HERE, HONEY.
IT'S OKAY.
LOOK AT YOU!
IT'S OKAY!
NOW YOU BURY THAT MEMORY
DEEP, DEEP DOWN.
YOU STOPPED ON YOUR WAY TO PICK
UP A SANDWICH? I KNOW, IT'S GOOD.
SAVE ME A BITE.
SAVE ME A BITE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT.
I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, NO ONE CAN, REALLY.
YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I MESS UP.
ONE TIME, I ACCIDENTALLY
PACKED THE WINE COOLER
IN ANNIE'S LUNCH BOX.
YEAH, AND REMEMBER
THAT ONE STORY ABOUT THE BABY
THAT GOT STUCK IN THAT
ARCADE GAME--YOU KNOW,
WHERE YOU GRAB THE STUFFED
ANIMAL WITH THE CLAW? YEAH.
THAT WAS YOUR BABY. IT TOOK ME
ABOUT $20 WORTH OF QUARTERS
TO GET HER OUT.
I LOST SYD ONCE...
IN A DICE GAME IN AN ALLEY
IN NAPLES. THINGS HAPPEN.
I JUST--I DIDN'T THINK
I'D FEEL SO OVERWHELMED.
AND THEN SHE STARTED
CUTTING A TOOTH AND--
YOU GOT THROUGH A NEW TOOTH?
YEAH.
LAST TIME SHE HAD A TOOTH,
I WAS SO EMOTIONAL,
I WENT ON, LIKE, A 3-DAY FOOD BENDER.
REALLY?
HE DID. HE ACTUALLY ATE
19 FEET OF SALAMI.
YEAH. 19 FEET.
IT'S PRETTY HARD-CORE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH. I MEAN,
IT WASN'T SUCH A BIG DEAL.
I PRETTY MUCH HANDLED IT.
YOU SURE DID.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?
LOOK AT THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.
IT'S LIKE SHE'S
IN THE MOMMY NATIONAL GUARD.
SHE'S TRAINING
ON THE WEEKENDS,
BUT THEN WHEN WE NEED HER
FULL-TIME, SHE'S GOOD TO GO. THANKS.
THANKS. HEY, CAN YOU HOLD
HER FOR A SECOND? SURE, SURE.
I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM.
SURE.
YAY, JANE! YOU DID IT!
GREAT JOB! WHOO-HOO!
OKAY, SHE ALREADY
HAD THAT TOOTH, RIGHT?
YEP.
YEAH.
HAWAII WAS SUCH
A GREAT IDEA.
I MEAN,
IT'S JUST SO LAID-BACK.
YOU KNOW, "ALOHA" ISN'T
JUST A GREETING.
IT'S A STATE OF MIND.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT
ELSE IS GREAT HERE? THE FOOD.
OF COURSE.
I WANT--I WANT YOU TO TASTE THIS.
THIS IS
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUA'A,
AND IT MIGHT BE THE BEST
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUA'A
THAT I'VE EVER HAD.
IT'S LIKE THE CHEF--
IT'S LIKE HE LETS THE
HUMUHUMU-- JUST LET ME TASTE IT.
OKAY, THERE YOU GO.
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S
JUST CHICKEN. IT'S DELICIOUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S RAINED
THE ENTIRE TIME WE'VE BEEN HERE.
YEAH, BUT IT BEATS BEING TRAPPED
IN THE HOUSE. IT SURE DOES.
IT'S SO MUCH BETTER
TO HAVE A STAYCATION
AT A HOTEL IN HAWAII
THAN AT HOME. AM I RIGHT?
ABSOLUTELY. I ALMOST NEVER
GET LEI'D AT HOME.
'CAUSE, GET-- GET IT?
THE-- I GET IT.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN YOU STILL
CALL IT A STAYCATION, BABE?
TRUST ME, IF YOU EVER WANT
TO GET LAID AGAIN,
WE'LL BE TELLING PEOPLE
WE TOOK A STAYCATION, OKAY?
TO STAYCATIONS.
TO STAYCATIONS.
EUGENIA, HEY.
HOW ARE YOU?
THEY BOUGHT ME A MINIVAN
FOR CARPOOL.
AND THEY LET ME WATCH
MY NOVELAS.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
AW, COME ON,
NO NEED TO THANK ME.
YOUR PRETTY SMILE
IS THANKS ENOUGH.
AND YOU WENT WITH THE GOLD.
WOW. INTERESTING CHOICE.
COME ON IN. LET'S GET WASTED.
THANK YOU.
DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP ANNIE
FROM SOCCER AT 4:00.
OKAY. SOPHIE DOESN'T
LIKE BANANAS ANYMORE.
ALL RIGHT, BYE!
I'LL SEE YOU GUYS AT DINNER!
I'LL MISS YOU.
BYE!
VACATION IS OVER, BITCHES!
A FUN WEEK WITH YOUR DAD?
HEY, WAIT A SECOND. THIS FEELS
EMPTY. YOU AND DAD JUST GOT SEPARATED,
AND HE'S GONNA TRY
AND BUY MY LOVE,
AND I'M GONNA NEED SOMETHING
TO CARRY IT IN.
THAT'S GOOD THINKING, KID.
GO FOR HIGH-END ELECTRONICS.
AND IF YOU RUN OUT OF STUFF
YOU WANT, GET ME A KINDLE.
I'M SICK OF FLIPPIN' PAGES
LIKE A SCHMUCK.
HERE YOU GO.
I LOVE YOU. LOVE YA.
ALL RIGHT.
NO "R" -RATED MOVIES THIS TIME.
IF ARMS COME OFF
OR TOPS COME OFF,
I DON'T WANT YOU
WATCHING IT.
DIVORCE IS SO
SAD, YOU KNOW?
I'M GUESSING.
HAPPILY MARRIED,
GUILTY AS CHARGED.
SOPHIE'S ASLEEP. ACTUALLY,
SHE'S BEEN ASLEEP FOR A WHILE.
I HAD TO COMPOSE MYSELF AFTER
I READ HER "THE GIVING TREE."
I HOPE SOMEDAY I FIND A PLANT
THAT'LL SHOW ME
THAT KIND OF LOVE.
WELL, YOU'VE GOT A WEEK.
GOOD LUCK.
JANE. JANE, SO, UM,
ARE YOU STILL PAYING HORATIO
SINCE YOU'RE MAKING HIM
TAKE THIS VACATION?
YEAH, HALF PAY.
IT'S WHAT WE USUALLY DO.
YEAH... HALF PAY.
THAT'S INTERESTING.
SO I GUESS ON HIS WEEK OFF,
HE COULD GO OUT TO HALF A MOVIE
AND THEN GO BACK HOME AND PAY
HALF HIS UTILITY BILL.
THAT'S--
YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY FAIR.
I ACTUALLY SEND MY MAILMAN
A MUFFIN BASKET
- EVERY DAY HE'S ON VACATION.
- OKAY, FINE.
FULL PAY.
THANK YOU.
IT'S NOT MUFFINS, BUT...
THANK YOU, ROSEMARY.
YEAH. IT'S A TACTIC I LEARNED
WHEN I WAS AN ORGANIZER
FOR THE MUSICIANS' UNION
BACK IN THE '80s.
THAT, AND HOW TO BOOST
A ROADIE'S SELF-ESTEEM.
OKAY, GOOD-BYE. LET'S GO.
DON'T FORGET
TO FEED THE BABY.
SHE NEEDS FOOD TO GROW.
THANK YOU.
I HAVE NO WORK FOR A WEEK.
50% LESS KIDS.
SPRING BREAK HAS BEGUN,
BITCHES!
WHOO!
WHOO!
I WOULDN'T TAKE
THAT TOP OFF JUST YET.
GOSH, YEAH.
WELL, MY BEST VACATION
WAS DEFINITELY NEW ORLEANS.
MY GOD.
I FLASHED SO MANY GUYS.
YOU KNOW, SOME TIME I WANNA
GO THERE DURING MARDI GRAS.
I JUST WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME
BONDING WITH SOPHIE.
FULL-TIME, MOM STYLE.
OOH, I BET I'LL EVEN BE ABLE
TO GET IN SOME "ME" TIME.
MAYBE I'LL WATCH
ALL THE EPISODES OF "LOST."
I'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW,
BUT PEOPLE AT WORK
SEEM TO REALLY LIKE IT.
I'VE LEARNED TO JUST NOD
AND SAY, "WHAT IS UP
WITH THAT ISLAND?"
THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
NOTHING. I WAS JUST,
UM, TEXTING WITH SOME
OF THE OTHER STAY-AT-HOME MOMS
ABOUT YOUR "ME TIME" FANTASY.
WELL, IT'S NICE TO KNOW I HAVE
THE SUPPORT OF MY SISTER.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TAKEN CARE
OF KIDS WITHOUT A NANNY BEFORE.
WELL, SURE, BUT, YOU KNOW,
THAT WAS BEFORE YOUR DIVORCE.
I MEAN, YOU HAD A HUSBAND
TO HELP OUT.
PLEASE, HE BARELY
HELPED MAKE THE KIDS.
I FEEL LIKE I DID
A PRETTY GOOD JOB
RAISING SYD ON MY OWN.
OF COURSE, I'M NOT GONNA
TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.
TV DID PICK UP A LOT OF THE SLACK.
SO WHAT KIND OF EDUCATIONAL VACATION
HAVE YOU AND JASON PLANNED
FOR THE FAMILY?
YOU GUYS GONNA LEARN HOW
TO MAKE CHEESE WITH SOME MONKS?
NOT AGAIN, NO. NO.
THIS YEAR, WE'RE, UM,
TAKING A "STAYCATION."
YOU DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
YOU JUST EXPLORE YOUR HOMETOWN.
WELL, WITH THE ECONOMY
THE WAY IT IS, YOU KNOW,
I FEEL LIKE A STAYCATION
IS REALLY THE ONLY
RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO.
PLUS, I THINK IT'S GONNA
BRING US CLOSER TOGETHER
AS A FAMILY.
SO, KIDS, I'VE MADE US
A GUIDEBOOK TO OUR HOUSE.
OKAY, SO, FOR INSTANCE,
IT SAYS HERE
YOU CAN CHECK OUT THE WORK
OF LOCAL ARTISTS
ON THE REFRIGERATOR.
OKAY, SO LET'S EACH READ IT,
AND THEN WE CAN PICK A PLACE
WE WANNA GO.
I PICK DENVER. YOU CAN'T PICK
DENVER, BECAUSE IT'S A STAYCATION.
STAY HERE.
I WISH
I COULD BE AT SCHOOL.
CAN I GO TO MY ROOM?
YES, GO TO YOUR ROOMS.
YEAH.
GO TO YOUR ROOMS AND-- AND EXPLORE THEM
AS IF YOU'RE SEEING THEM
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
YOU KNOW, IT SAYS HERE
THEY WERE ECLECTICALLY DESIGNED
TO REFLECT THE PERSONALITY
OF THE OCCUPANTS!
OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY'LL BE FINE. FINE.
YEAH. THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT
WHEN WE SWITCHED TO RICE
MILK, EITHER... MNH-MNH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, EVENTUALLY,
THEY FORGOT WHAT
THE GOOD STUFF TASTES LIKE.
YEAH. TAKE THAT, REAL MILK.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT...
LET'S SEE
WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.
HELLO?
HI, HONEY.
HEY.
IS SOMEBODY IN THERE?
HORATIO.
CAN YOU SEE ME?
OF COURSE I CAN SEE YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD
TAKE CARE OF HER BY YOURSELF.
HA! YOU THINK
I'M A BAD MOM.
NO, LOOK, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU'RE AT WORK ALL THE TIME.
YOU DON'T BATHE HER.
YOU RARELY FEED HER.
AND IN FACT, TO BE HONEST,
YOU DON'T HAVE THE VOCAL RANGE
TO PULL OFF SOME OF HER FAVORITE SONGS. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE LOVES MY SINGING.
JANE, LET'S NOT MAKE THIS WORSE
THAN IT ALREADY IS.
LOOK, HORATIO,
I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL,
BUT I DON'T NEED YOU. FINE.
I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.
BUT JUST IN CASE,
I LEFT YOU SOME POINTERS
ON THESE Post-it NOTES, OKAY?
HER STUFFED BUNNY'S
CALLED "BUNNY."
HERE'S A GREAT RECIPE
FOR MASHED BANANAS.
THIS IS HER FAVORITE
BURPING POSITION.
AND I LEFT YOU A LITTLE NOTE
ON THE COOKIE JAR.
"BABIES DON'T EAT
COOKIES YET."
GET OUT.
FINE. AT LEAST LET ME
CHANGE HER PAJAMAS.
YOU GOT HER IN DUCK TOP
AND PENGUIN BOTTOMS.
I MEAN, THOSE ARE
NATURAL ENEMIES IN THE WILD.
SHE'S GONNA BE CONFUSED. I'M HER MOM.
I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR
OR SEE YOU FOR A WEEK.
GET OUT
AND TAKE THE TRASH WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
FINE.
NAILED IT.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
LEAVE!
I REALLY THINK
DORA THE EXPLORER'S JUMPED THE
SHARK, YOU KNOW? YEAH.
I MEAN, WITH THAT
WHOLE ICE PRINCESS THING?
COME ON. IT'S NOT EVEN
GROUNDED ANYMORE.
HEY, JERK.
HEY, ROSEMARY.
HEY.
HEY, GUYS, THIS IS ROSEMARY.
THE WOMAN I WAS
TELLING YOU ABOUT.
ROSEMARY,
THESE ARE MY NANNY FRIENDS--
DORIS, EUGENIA AND ABBY.
HEY, GALS.
YOU ARE THE WOMAN WHO GOT HORATIO A PAID
VACATION. COME ON, IT WAS NOTHING.
JUST KNOCKED SOME HEADS
TOGETHER AND MADE IT HAPPEN.
MY FAMILY DOESN'T PAY FOR MY GAS
WHEN I DRIVE THE KIDS AROUND.
THE FAMILY I WORK FOR SAYS
WE HAVE TO SHOO AWAY COYOTES.
NO HEALTH INSURANCE.
I NEED NEW TEETH.
YES, YOU DO.
CAN YOU HELP US?
NO.
BUT I CAN HELP YOU
TO HELP YOURSELVES.
LISTEN, GIVE A NANNY A BOTTLE,
SHE'LL WORK FOR A DAY.
BUT TEACH A NANNY
TO BREAST-FEED,
AND THAT NANNY WILL WORK
FOR A LIFETIME.
SO... YES, THEN?
YES. YES!
COME ON, LADIES. WHAT WE NEED
TO DO IS GO ON STRIKE.
UNION! WHOO!
WHOO!
UNION!
EUGENIA.
YEAH, LET'S, UM...
NO SMILING. JUST FOR
THE COURSE OF THE STRIKE.
THAT'LL BE OUR POLICY.
NO, NO.
DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH.
IT'S BEEN IN THE TOILET.
HELLO?
HI, JANE. IT'S BLAIR.
HOW'S THE VACATION?
IT'S GOOD. SOPHIE DID THE CUTEST--
YEAH, DON'T NEED ANOTHER DOG STORY.
HERE'S THE THING. I NEED YOU
TO GO OVER THE PLANS
FOR THE ABBOT KINNEY PROJECT.
WHAT? I'M NOT AT WORK.
EXACTLY. THAT WAY,
YOU CAN REALLY FOCUS ON THIS
AND TURN THINGS AROUND FAST.
I'M SENDING OVER A MESSENGER
WITH THE BLUEPRINTS.
LOVE OUR CHATS. BYE!
HEY, JIMMY,
HOW'S THE BYPASS SURGERY?
'CAUSE THE COFFEE'S NOT
MAKING ITSELF OVER HERE!
NO, NO, THAT'S BEEN
IN THE TOILET, TOO.
OOH!
HERE WE GO. BREAK IT DOWN.
HERE WE GO.
OKAY, SO WE ARE GONNA DIG FOR
FOSSILS AND ARROWHEADS. OKAY.
YEAH, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW
WHO USED TO LIVE
ON THIS VERY GROUND.
WASN'T IT A GAY COUPLE WITH A CHOW?
YES, IT WAS, BUT BEFORE THAT,
IT WAS PRIMITIVE MAN.
THIS DIRT HAS A STORY
TO TELL, SO...
TALK TO US, DIRT.
MOMMY, IS THIS STAYCATION
SOME KIND OF A PUNISHMENT?
NO, SWEETIE,
IT'S NOT A PUNISHMENT.
IT'S A WAY FOR US
TO SHOW THE WORLD
WHAT KIND OF FAMILY WE ARE. THE KIND OF
FAMILY THAT DOESN'T LIKE TO HAVE FUN?
NO, THE KIND OF FAMILY THAT
APPRECIATES THEIR OWN BACKYARD.
OKAY? NOW LESS TALKING, MORE DIGGING.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
IS THIS THE SWEATER I MADE YOU
FOR CHRISTMAS TWO YEARS AGO,
THE ONE THAT GOT "LOST"
AT THE CLEANERS?
NO, MOMMY, THAT IS
AN ANCIENT CHRISTMAS SWEATER...
FROM THE DINOSAUR DAYS. I TOOK
A KNITTING CLASS TO MAKE YOU THAT SWEATER
AND A MATCHING SCARF.
WELL, I WOULDN'T DIG
OVER THERE, THEN.
- ARE YOU GUYS GONNA GET A DIVORCE?
- NO!
I FOUND DINOSAUR POOP!
HEY, I FOUND THAT FIRST!
NO, NO. OKAY, DROP--
NO. LET'S--OKAY, YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW, LET IT GO, LET IT GO.
DROP IT! STOP! STOP! JASON,
WHAT ARE WE DOING? OKAY?
I'LL SAY IT. THIS STAYCATION
IS A TOTAL DISASTER.
I KNOW THAT, OKAY?
BUT I THINK WE JUST NEED
TO REMIND OURSELVES WHY
WE DID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WE START OVER,
AND WE DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME.
OKAY, OR--AND JUST
HEAR ME OUT HERE--
WE COULD GO TO HAWAII. I'M WAY
AHEAD OF YOU. I'M ALREADY PACKED.
- SO WE'RE GOING TO HAWAII?
- YEAH.
YES, WE ARE. COME ON. LET'S
WASH OUR HANDS FIRST, THOUGH.
SOPHIE...
HONEY, I HAVE WORK TO DO. I WILL
BE THERE IN JUST A MINUTE. I--
AAH!
SUGAR!
OKAY, I'M COMING.
HEY, HOW ABOUT TV?
YOU WANNA WATCH TV?
BABIES LOVE TV.
WHERE IS THAT MOVIE?
THAT'S A LOT OF ZELLWEGER.
I GOTTA GET OUT MORE.
FORGET THE MOVIE.
I'LL ACT IT OUT.
I'LL ACT IT OUT.
LOOK, YOU LOVE THIS.
I'M A COW.
AND I LIKE TO
WALK AROUND THE FARM.
ALL RIGHT, UM, OKAY.
YOU DON'T LIKE THE COW.
THE REMOTE CONTROL.
YOU WANT THAT BACK?
UM... COOKIES! I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE COOKIES.
ALL RIGHT.
MY GOD...
THE NOTES.
YES!
YOU STAY RIGHT THERE. I'M GONNA
GO GET HORATIO'S NOTES.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, SOPHIE!
MAN, WE DRINK A LOT OF WINE.
YES!
CRAP.
CRAP.
CRAP!
IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
WAFFLES, STOP IT!
YOU'RE EATING THE SECOND FLOOR!
BAD DOG!
SOPHIE, IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
MOMMY JUST LOCKED HERSELF OUT.
MOMMY'S A GOOD MOMMY.
IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
WELL... YES!
WHAT DID I THINK
I WAS GONNA DO WITH THIS?
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, HONEY.
MOMMY'S GONNA TRY SOMETHING.
ONE...
TWO... THREE!
AAH!
DID NOT STICK THE LANDING.
YOU REALLY THINK
THIS IS GONNA WORK?
OF COURSE IT'LL WORK.
IT'S A CLASSIC SICK-OUT.
NANNIES CALL IN SICK,
GIVE THE PARENTS A TASTE
OF LIFE WITHOUT 'EM.
THOSE POOR SAPS.
THEY'LL BE UP TO THEIR NECKS IN
DIRTY DIAPERS BY NOON. DORIS!
DORIS! HEY!
PLEASE COME BACK TO WORK.
THIS MORNING, THE BABY
WOKE UP AT, LIKE, 6:00 A.M.
IS THAT NORMAL?
YES.
OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
MAYBE A FLASHLIGHT FOR WHEN
YOU GO COYOTE SHOOING.
SHE NEEDS ME. I SHOULD GO.
NO, DORIS, WE CAN'T LET
THESE MOMMIES PEEL US AWAY
ONE AT A TIME. WE MUST DEAL
WITH THEM AS A GROUP.
LET ME SAY IT THIS WAY--
ONE STICK ALONE IS WEAK.
BUT MANY STICKS,
BUNDLED TOGETHER,
ALL IN THE SAME DIRECTION,
ARE STRONG.
IS THAT FASCISM?
YES. YES, IT IS FASCISM.
WE WILL COME TOGETHER TODAY
AT THE TABLE--
THE PICNIC TABLE--
TO NEGOTIATE A CONTRACT
FOR ALL OF US...
AFTER THE RALLY.
BUT I KNOW WHAT WE'RE--
WE DO NOT SPEAK TO MOMMIES UNTIL
AFTER THE RALLY. BUT CAN I--
AFTER THE RALLY.
BUT I CAN HAVE--
AFTER THE RALLY.
BUT WHAT--
AFTER... THE RALLY.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, LADIES?
- WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!
- WHOO!
I NEED NEW TEETH.
AND I NEED YOU
TO GET NEW TEETH, EUGENIA.
THAT IS MY INSPIRATION.
HI, WE'RE NOT
HOME, BUT WE CAN'T BE TOO FAR,
- BECAUSE WE'RE ON A...
- STAYCATION!
IT'S NOT
JUST FUN. IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
It's Jane.
Call me as soon as you get this.
I need a spare key to my house.
SOPHIE, HONEY, I'M TRYING.
IS THAT A POLAR BEAR
IN THE JUNGLE?
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT ISLAND?
YES.
MOMMY'S COMING, SOPHIE!
HIDE A KEY? COME ON!
AAH!
COMING, SOPHIE!
COME ON!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
WON'T CHANGE DIAPERS ANYMORE!
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!
COME ON, MOMS, NEGOTIATE!
YES, WE... CAN.
ALL RIGHT, NANNIES!
LISTEN UP!
I HEAR YOU!
THE MOMMIES HEAR YOU!
AND PRETTY SOON,
THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL HEAR YOU.
THIS STRUGGLE IS NOT ABOUT MONEY
OR VACATION DAYS.
NO! IT IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE
WHO TAKE CARE
OF THIS CITY'S CHILDREN.
PEOPLE LIKE CONSUELA,
WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE
MACARONI AND CHEESE LUMPY,
EXACTLY THE WAY
LITTLE CAITLIN LIKES IT.
PEOPLE LIKE TANYA, WHO TAKES
THREE BUSES TO GET TO HER JOB
WHERE 7-YEAR-OLD JOSHUA THINKS
IT'S FUNNY TO HONK HER BOOBS.
AND PEOPLE LIKE THIS GUY
RIGHT HERE--
HORATIO, WHO WORKS TIRELESSLY
AT A JOB
THAT NO SELF-RESPECTING MAN
WOULD EVER,
EVER, EVER,
EVER, EVER TAKE.
NANNIES UNITED
WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
NANNIES UNITED
WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
NANNIES UNITED
WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
NANNIES
UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
IT'S JANE!
NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
NANNIES UNITED WILL NOT BE DIVIDED!
TALK TO ME.
HORATIO, I NEED YOU!
WELL, HORATIO'S NOT
AT YOUR BECK AND CALL ANYMORE.
HE'S ON STRIKE, BABY!
SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S GOTTEN HERSELF
INTO A LITTLE BIT OF A PICKLE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SHE'S LOCKED OUT, BABY INSIDE.
WHAT? BOTTOM LINE--
WE'VE GOT LEVERAGE.
I SAY WE HOLD OUT FOR FULL DENTAL AND
DISNEYLAND TICKETS. I HAVE TO SAVE SOPHIE!
JANE, I'M COMING!
YEAH...
I SHOULD PROBABLY GO, TOO.
SHE IS MY FRIEND AND ALL.
PLUS, THAT MEGAPHONE
IS A PAIN IN MY HOO-HA.
EUGENIA, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.
BUT I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH
SO GOOD.
NO, EUGENIA...
YOU NO SPEAK ENGLISH
JUST FINE.
HANG TOUGH.
NO, WAFFLES. NO! GET AWAY!
JANE!
HORATIO?
ARE YOU OKAY?
MY SHOULDER'S STUCK.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, I'M GONNA
DISLOCATE YOUR SHOULDER.
IT'LL BE THE WORST PAIN
YOU'VE EVER FELT,
BUT THEN YOU'LL PASS OUT,
SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. WAIT! WAIT!
WHY--WHY DON'T YOU JUST PULL FIRST?
LET'S-- ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TRY THAT.
OKAY, ON THE COUNT OF THREE--READY?
OKAY.
ONE!
TWO!
AAH!
THREE!
YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T HAVE MY KEY.
WHAT?
WAIT. I HAVE A HIDE A KEY. NO!
I THREW IT THROUGH THE WINDOW.
NO, I GOT A BUNCH
OF 'EM HERE. SEE THE "K"?
THAT'S FOR "KEY." OKAY. WHAT?
HERE YOU GO.
OKAY, HONEY, I'M COMING!
SOPHIE, BABY!
COME HERE, HONEY.
IT'S OKAY.
LOOK AT YOU!
IT'S OKAY!
NOW YOU BURY THAT MEMORY
DEEP, DEEP DOWN.
YOU STOPPED ON YOUR WAY TO PICK
UP A SANDWICH? I KNOW, IT'S GOOD.
SAVE ME A BITE.
SAVE ME A BITE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT.
I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, NO ONE CAN, REALLY.
YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I MESS UP.
ONE TIME, I ACCIDENTALLY
PACKED THE WINE COOLER
IN ANNIE'S LUNCH BOX.
YEAH, AND REMEMBER
THAT ONE STORY ABOUT THE BABY
THAT GOT STUCK IN THAT
ARCADE GAME--YOU KNOW,
WHERE YOU GRAB THE STUFFED
ANIMAL WITH THE CLAW? YEAH.
THAT WAS YOUR BABY. IT TOOK ME
ABOUT $20 WORTH OF QUARTERS
TO GET HER OUT.
I LOST SYD ONCE...
IN A DICE GAME IN AN ALLEY
IN NAPLES. THINGS HAPPEN.
I JUST--I DIDN'T THINK
I'D FEEL SO OVERWHELMED.
AND THEN SHE STARTED
CUTTING A TOOTH AND--
YOU GOT THROUGH A NEW TOOTH?
YEAH.
LAST TIME SHE HAD A TOOTH,
I WAS SO EMOTIONAL,
I WENT ON, LIKE, A 3-DAY FOOD BENDER.
REALLY?
HE DID. HE ACTUALLY ATE
19 FEET OF SALAMI.
YEAH. 19 FEET.
IT'S PRETTY HARD-CORE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH. I MEAN,
IT WASN'T SUCH A BIG DEAL.
I PRETTY MUCH HANDLED IT.
YOU SURE DID.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?
LOOK AT THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.
IT'S LIKE SHE'S
IN THE MOMMY NATIONAL GUARD.
SHE'S TRAINING
ON THE WEEKENDS,
BUT THEN WHEN WE NEED HER
FULL-TIME, SHE'S GOOD TO GO. THANKS.
THANKS. HEY, CAN YOU HOLD
HER FOR A SECOND? SURE, SURE.
I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM.
SURE.
YAY, JANE! YOU DID IT!
GREAT JOB! WHOO-HOO!
OKAY, SHE ALREADY
HAD THAT TOOTH, RIGHT?
YEP.
YEAH.
HAWAII WAS SUCH
A GREAT IDEA.
I MEAN,
IT'S JUST SO LAID-BACK.
YOU KNOW, "ALOHA" ISN'T
JUST A GREETING.
IT'S A STATE OF MIND.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT
ELSE IS GREAT HERE? THE FOOD.
OF COURSE.
I WANT--I WANT YOU TO TASTE THIS.
THIS IS
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUA'A,
AND IT MIGHT BE THE BEST
HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUA'A
THAT I'VE EVER HAD.
IT'S LIKE THE CHEF--
IT'S LIKE HE LETS THE
HUMUHUMU-- JUST LET ME TASTE IT.
OKAY, THERE YOU GO.
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S
JUST CHICKEN. IT'S DELICIOUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S RAINED
THE ENTIRE TIME WE'VE BEEN HERE.
YEAH, BUT IT BEATS BEING TRAPPED
IN THE HOUSE. IT SURE DOES.
IT'S SO MUCH BETTER
TO HAVE A STAYCATION
AT A HOTEL IN HAWAII
THAN AT HOME. AM I RIGHT?
ABSOLUTELY. I ALMOST NEVER
GET LEI'D AT HOME.
'CAUSE, GET-- GET IT?
THE-- I GET IT.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN YOU STILL
CALL IT A STAYCATION, BABE?
TRUST ME, IF YOU EVER WANT
TO GET LAID AGAIN,
WE'LL BE TELLING PEOPLE
WE TOOK A STAYCATION, OKAY?
TO STAYCATIONS.
TO STAYCATIONS.
EUGENIA, HEY.
HOW ARE YOU?
THEY BOUGHT ME A MINIVAN
FOR CARPOOL.
AND THEY LET ME WATCH
MY NOVELAS.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
AW, COME ON,
NO NEED TO THANK ME.
YOUR PRETTY SMILE
IS THANKS ENOUGH.
AND YOU WENT WITH THE GOLD.
WOW. INTERESTING CHOICE.
COME ON IN. LET'S GET WASTED.
THANK YOU.
DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP ANNIE
FROM SOCCER AT 4:00.
OKAY. SOPHIE DOESN'T
LIKE BANANAS ANYMORE.
ALL RIGHT, BYE!
I'LL SEE YOU GUYS AT DINNER!
I'LL MISS YOU.
BYE!
VACATION IS OVER, BITCHES!