In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 4 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript

(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# 50 it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.

# ...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #

(# Bridal March)

# ...In sickness and in health
I said "I do" #



(COUGHING)

Gawd!

Is he going to be much longer?

I'm sorry, but Dr Becker
has a full surgery this morning.

He wouldn't have if we could
afford to go somewhere else.

- He won't keep you much longer.
- Well, at my age, every minute counts.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life
sitting on a hard chair waiting for him.

Wouldn't be so bad if he looked
after his customers a bit better.

Dr Becker does what he can
for his patients.

Patience! Oh, blimey! You need plenty
of that when you come to see him, eh?!

Wait till this new health scheme
gets going

and you get a bit of market forces playing
a hand in your business.

- We're not a business.
- No, blimey, I can see that!

If you was a business, you'd be out
of business in five minutes. Blimey!



If we had a choice, missus,

if we had a real market choice of where
to take our illnesses, your doctor...

(COUGHING)

Shut up!

...your Dr Becker'd have to
pull his finger out then

and give a bit of thought
to customer satisfaction, I tell you.

He wants to get a bit of decent furniture
in here, some better reading material.

A few of today's newspapers
would be an improvement, wouldn't it?

The money! The money he makes out of us
being sick! Wouldn't hurt him, would it?

The money? Dr Becker
is only a general practitioner.

Yeah, and who gives him
all the practice, eh? Oh, blimey!

Al he ever does do
is practise on us, innit?

Never seen him cure anybody yet.

- (COUGHING)
- Shut up!

And he's not short of a few bob,
don't you worry about that.

Oh, blimey! I've never met
a poor doctor yet.

No doctors living in council flats,
my dear.

There's no doctors living down any street
where I've had to live.

He wants to come and live here
over his shop.

He might find out then
what it is we need to keep us 'ealthy.

And it's not 'im and his bloody medicines,
I can tell you that. Blimey!

A few eggs and steaks,
a few meat pies and meat puddings

would do us a bloody sight more good
than him and his medicines, I tell you.

- You can't smoke in here.
- I'm not smoking it, my dear, am I?

I'm just putting tobacco in it, ain't I?

Prior to smoking it.

Getting ready to smoke it for when I can
get out of here and fumigate me lungs.

Get off some of the germs
I'm having to breathe sitting here.

Smoking's bad for you. It could kill you.

Blimey, that's a big worry
at my age, that is.

If this don't kill me,
something else will,

and if I've got the choice,
I'd sooner it was this.

At my age, missus, and on my pension,

I'm lucky I've got strength enough
left in me fingers to fill me pipe with.

And money enough in my pocket
to buy the tobacco to fill it with.

And power enough left in me lungs
to puff it with. Harmful!

I'll come to a bloody sight less harm
in here smoking this

than I will
sitting in a bloody room with 'er.

She's been coughing her bloody lungs up,
sneezing her snot all over the walls.

Whatever she's got,
we've all got it now, don't you worry.

Still, it's good for business,
ain't it, eh? Blimey!

"Coughs and sneezes spread diseases."

Where would you and old Dr Becker be
without illness, eh? Without the sick?

Joining the three million unemployed,
that's where you'd be.

- (BUZZER)
- Right...

Just a minute! This lady was before you.

Don't worry about her!

I'll be in and out of there
before she gets out of the chair even.

- Dr Becker?
- Yes. And you are...?

Never mind who I am,
I've got a bone to pick with you.

What's the idea of telling Mrs Hollingbery

she's got to rest, put her feet up
and take it easy, eh?

Mrs Hollingbery?

Yes. She's got a very painful leg.

I've got a very painful leg!

I've also got a very painful bum

from sitting on the hard seats out there
waiting to see you.

Who are you?

I live with Mrs Hollingbery.

And I ain't had no breakfast nor no dinner
and I won't get no supper neither.

- Because of you!
- Just a moment.

No, you just a moment!

How would you like it if I come
into your house and told your missus

she's got to sit back, put her feet up,
and take it easy, eh?

And you never got no breakfast,
no dinner, no supper because of it?

Mrs Hollingbery's a patient of mine.

It's my duty to prescribe recuperative
treatment that might be of benefit to her.

- Now, she has a very painful leg.
- I've got a very painful leg.

That may well be so...

I had to have a new hip put in.
I don't complain about it.

I'm in terrible pain all the time
but don't go on and on about it.

- Had a hip replacement, have we?
- I wouldn't mind having another one too!

Another one?

I'd like 'em to take out
the one they put in

and replace it with one
that fits properly.

Having trouble with the leg, are we?

Yes, I am having trouble.

I've had trouble with that leg
ever since they put the new hip in.

But that's not the leg
I'm complaining about.

The leg I'm complaining about
is Mrs Hollingbery's leg.

It's all very well you prescribing
for her. All right, prescribe for her.

Give her a couple of Aspros,
deaden the pain a bit,

but who's going to prescribe for me, eh?
I ain't had no dinner today.

Hasn't Mrs Hollingbery
had anything to eat either?

Of course not.
You told her she's got to rest.

But you live with her,
you could have provided a meal.

Oh, yeah, what am I supposed to be?
Unpaid social worker, is that it?

It's all right for you sitting there,
putting people on the sick list,

saying they've got to rest,
sit back and put their feet up,

but who's going to look after 'em, eh?

While you're prescribing rest
and recuperative treatment, eh?

Muggins, innit? Bloody muggins 'ere.

Right, leave it with me.

I will pop round in the morning, see
Mrs Hollingbery, see what I can fix up.

What, a social worker, you mean?

Something like that.

Well, you make sure
you get someone a bit decent,

a social worker that don't mind doing
a bit of work and ain't too bloody social!

It's a waste of time.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(BANGING AND CRASHING)

What are you doing out there?

I am cooking!

Doing what you're supposed to be doing,
to be too ill to bloody well do.

Leave it!

Got a false hip, ain't I?

I don't sit around on me backside
complaining about it all bloomin' day!

Look, there's not much food out there.

Now I don't want you
ruining what there is.

I'll drag me self out there in a minute.

Oh! When this pain lets me.

Oh, no, no. You sit there
and rest, my dear(!)

You sit there and rest your leg.

A couple of Aspros would cure the pain,
wouldn't it?

But no, no.
That's too bloody sensible, innit?

You'd rather sit there and suffer and
make life a misery for everybody else.

I've taken Aspros.

Not enough.

Eh?

(THUMPING AND CLATTERING)

Oh, what are you cooking?

There's only two eggs out there.

Before I can cook, my dear, I've got
to find the bloody utensils, ain't I?

Here! I've got to try and discover
where you've hid 'em all.

I don't know why you're so secretive
with all your pots and pans

and have to hide 'em all the time.

Every time I come in here,
you wanna make a cup of tea,

it's 'unt the kettle first,
then it's 'unt the tea-caddy,

'unt the teapot, 'unt the cup,
'unt the bloody saucer.

'Unt this, 'unt that.

It would 'elp, my dear, if you left
some bloody clues around.

Leave it!

The mystery you make of it all!
Bloody cooking!

To 'ear you talk, you'd think
only a woman could do it.

But except, no 'otel worthy of the name
would employ a woman chef.

No, it's a man they want.

A man who can cook
five, six, seven, eight-course meals.

Meals cooked with imagination.

Meals that people are prepared to pay
a lot of money for the pleasure of eating.

And all done...

all done with no moaning
or bloody nagging.

Bloody hell! Which one are you?
Which one are you?

Which? Which one?

Now what are you doing?

Trust 'im!

Mrs Hollingbery, how are we, then?
Can we open a window, please?

Window? What for?

Well, we all need fresh air.
It's not healthy to be stifled like this.

Al the windows are nailed down.

Nailed down?

Everything in this street is nailed down.

I'd have bars up on the windows
if I could afford 'em.

If you want to sleep safe
in this neighbourhood, mate,

and not get murdered in your bed,
you've got to take precautions.

Even your Neighbourhood Watch
has to be watched in this neighbourhood.

Surely you don't suffer from break-ins?

Forgive me, but I wouldn't have thought
you had that much worth stealing.

They break in here for practice, mate.

This is a training ground
for your local criminals here.

Blimey!

Al these houses round here
would be overcrowded

if half of them wasn't in prison.

That's an exaggeration. Most of my
patients are decent, hardworking people.

- They're poor...
- Poor? You can say that again.

We've always been poor,
but nothing like this before.

I mean, they only call to empty
our dustbin twice a year now.

That's disgraceful.

Why? We've never got
anything to put in it.

Even the few mice we had have moved on.

The other reason we have to keep
that window nailed down

is this room has to be sealed off
in the summer

to try and capture some warmth
for the winter.

If this room ever gets really cold, mate,
you'd never heat it up again from scratch,

not with one bar of electric.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Gordon Bennett. Who's that now?

Do you really have to live
entirely on your pension?

Well, we do get the odd allowance,

but that's like giving As pro
to a man with a broken leg.

So how do you manage?

Well, Mr Garnett has been thinking of
trying his hand at a bit of shoplifting.

I don't think he'd be very good at it.

That's not a very good idea.

No, I'm sure you're right. He's bound
to bring all the wrong things back.

We've got a condemned food shop
round the corner.

I mean, that helps a bit.

Condemned food?

Well, past its shelf-life stuff, you know.

You have to queue, but it stretches
the pennies a bit further.

I saw on the telly
people queuing for food in Russia.

And I said to Mr Garnett,
"I don't know what all the fuss is about.

"They don't look no worse off
than we are!"

But they don't have
our freedom of speech, do they?

Freedom of speech? Who needs it?

I ain't got nothing to say.

And if I 'ad, no-one'd listen.

No, war rationing, the good old days,
we was better off then.

It's a pity it ever came to an end.

What, the rationing?

The war, even.

No, we was far better off
when we were fighting the Germans.

Eating condemned food
can make you very ill

And no food can make you even worse.

We'd be lucky to be taken ill
and carted off to hospital.

Even eating that awful hospital food
regular could save our lives.

We would eat better if we was convicts
in one of Her Majesty's prisons.

People complain about awful 'ospital food,

but blimey, for us, average old age
pensioner, that would be a luxury.

Yeah, I went to see my sister in 'ospital.
Oh, I did envy her!

Three courses, her lunch was!

Things must be terribly difficult for you,
I know.

Difficult? Blimey, more than difficult.
Difficult we can manage.

The trouble is, you see, your pension's
too little and your week's too long.

If they would bring in
a two-day week perhaps,

we might be able to manage all right.

Well, I've always thought the seven-day
week was far too long for poor people.

It's always been too long for poor people
to stretch a week's money.

That's why poor people get into debt.
The weeks are far too long.

You have debts?

Blimey! Chance'd be a fine thing.

Who would lend him money?

No of fence now, Alf.

- But would you lend him money, doctor?
- No, doctor, we couldn't take it.

He ain't offered it yet.

Even the poor polluted air around here
is more than we could afford, doctor.

At least the air's free.

Not if you want it warm
in the winter it ain't.

See, we've got a choice - either sitting
in the freezing cold looking at the telly

or sitting in front of the one bar
of electric looking at each other.

I'll obviously have to contact the DSS,
see what I can fix up for you.

In the meantime, doctor,

if you could see your way clear
with that £5 what you was talking about.

You'd get it back.
We are poor people here, but we're honest,

and it would be regarded
as a debt of hon our.

Well, it seems I have no choice.

I mean, if you're really as poor
as you say, I feel...I've no option.

But this is no cure.

This won't help you in the long run.

But in the short run,
it could turn out very handy.

I'm giving this to Mrs Hollingbery.
Buy food.

Giving it? No, doctor, I'm sorry.
I couldn't take it.

It's very generous, but providing
you let us pay you back.

And she will do.

Although they do say a Christian act
is reward enough in itself,

and a good square meal
would do her a power of good,

far better than any medicine.

Come to think of it,
you could have my custom.

You don't want another panel patient,
do you? Just say the word.

I mean, you would have the money.

You might as well have it
as the other fellow I'm going to now.

It could be worth a few thousand
a year to you, couldn't it?

It's a pity patients aren't allowed
to do deals, isn't it?

I mean, most of them round here
would be prepared to sign on with you

if only you would just bung them back
a bit out of what you earn out of it.

Even the odd fiver now and then
would satisfy most of us,

and you could treble your practice.

What are you...? What are you doing?

I'm just getting ready for you
to examine my back, doctor.

I've come to examine Mrs Hollingbery.

Well, we see your car outside
and thought we'd just pop in.

Yeah, it saves the walk up to the surgery.

I'm terribly sorry,
but you must come to the surgery.

That's typical, innit?
You're the one with the motor car,

but they're the ones
who've got to do all the walking!

Marvellous! You're the one's got to
get involved in travelling expenses,

getting on and off buses
to go and visit the doctor,

but he's the one earning the money.

He's the one who's fit,
sitting there in his surgery,

all nice and warm and comfortable,

but the patient who's sick has got
to drag out in the cold to see him!

What's wrong with your back?

Ah, if I knew that, doctor,
I'd get it fixed. Ahhh!

- Is that where it hurts?
- No. It's your fingers. They're freezing.

I can't see much wrong with it.

Well, I'm not surprised, doctor.
It's baffled better than you.

I've took this back to Belfast,
Dublin and London.

Not even the most eminent
has been able to discover what's wrong.

Hello, doctor?

What are you doing, woman?

It's my Harry, doctor.
Get ready for the doctor.

It's his water.

Ah, that's nothin...

You shut up.

- It's nothin' like a back.
- It's none of your business.

When he gets to his age, he has to
expect trouble with his plumbing.

My back is agony.

Well, I wish it was his back.

Oh, he wouldn't want my back! You've
no idea the pain I have to put up with.

Well, I mean, if it's just pain
he's suffering,

well, yes, I could put up with his pain.

I've done it before and I'll do it again.

What he's got now is unfair to me.

I can't help it, can I? It's not my fault.

No, of course it's not.
It's like old buildings.

You can't expect good plumbing.

Trust you to be awkward.

Most people get things wrong with them
that they can keep to theirs elves.

But oh, no, not you.

You have to find a complaint
that keeps me awake all night.

Look, I'm the one that has to go
down the stairs and out the back.

Well, you're not having a pot in the room!

Get those trousers off quick.
The doctor's waiting.

Mrs Hollingbery, don't worry,
it's nothing startling.

I 'ave to put me glasses on to see it.

I don't want to get undressed, doctor.

Please, get dressed. Mrs Hollingbery,
I want you to stay off that leg.

Oh, marvellous(!)

I am going to approach the council and see
if I can get you better accommodation.

Oh, yes, I'd like that.

Somewhere more comfortable,
more efficient.

That'd be lovely.

We're 'appy here.
All we need is a bit more money.

Of course you are.

But a one-room apartment in a modern block
among your own kind...

Our own kind? Excuse me, doctor.
What kind of people is our own kind?

The lame kind, is it?
People with bad legs, is it?

- And bad backs!
- And dodgy waterworks.

Put us all together in special cubicles,
what, like battery hens, is it?

- They're people of your own age group.
- Oh, I see, all the oldies?

Where is this modern block?
Nearer to the cemetery, is it?

- It'll be more convenient.
- Who for? The undertaker?

It's only a bad leg I've got, doctor.
The rest of me's all right.

That's the trouble, my dear.
It's your bad leg that's putting him out!

When you was fit,
he didn't have to do nothing,

just draw his wages from
the National Health and play golf all day.

Now you've got a bad leg,
you're a bloody nuisance to him.

He's got to get his car out,
put some petrol in it, come and see you.

That is not fair.

No, it ain't fair, mate.
They should only pay you when you work.

The private sector only pays doctors
when they work.

You don't get your money up front
in Harley Street.

No. Not without doing
nothing for it first.

Oh, no. Up in Harley Street,
you've got to satisfy your customer.

Because if you don't, he's got the dosh
to go next door or down the street

till he finds someone who can.

Well, if you're interested
in paying into BUPA ..

I am not interested in paying into BU PA.

I pay into National Insurance. And
I'd like to know where that money's gone.

If I had back what I paid out
in tax and insurance,

I wouldn't need the Government's
miserable pension.

The vast majority of people

pay thousands of millions of pounds
into your National Health,

and have been paying it for years,

yet only a small percentage
ever gets anything out of it.

Cos you've got to be ill first,
and most of us ain't.

Fortunately, most of us go our whole lives

without having to visit the doctor
or the hospital that much.

- And when we do go...
- There's never any money there.

- So who's had it?
- Been members since it started, we have.

If that was a private insurance, mate,
and not the Government,

the fraud squad would have been round
and called on them by now.

My Harry, he never agreed with it.

- I told her...
- Yes, you told me.

I said, "That health service
is only going to benefit the sick."

You've got to be really ill
before you get any benefit.

They talk about new hospitals...

- Always ailing, you'll have to be.
- ...but every hospital I've ever seen

was there when I was a boy,
built by generations long dead.

Unless you're always ill -
then you might make a profit.

Listen, if I did pay into BUPA
and went up Harley Street,

where market forces are operating,
as a paying customer,

I'd expect a bloody sight better service
than I'm getting off of you.

You're not even registered with me.

And if she had any sense,
she wouldn't be neither.

I offered to bring you my business,

put money in your pocket,

but if that's going to be your attitude,
it can stay where it is.

I've been with Dr Becker for years!

Well, what's he ever done for you, eh?
Forget the fiver for a minute.

He's had pounds off of you,
but what's he ever done? Nothing.

But as soon as you get a bad leg and he's
got to do some work to earn his money,

he turns nasty, wants to put you
in a home with a lot of other old fogeys.

I'm not an old fogey.

I'm not trying to put you in a home.

You was talking about old people's places,
about her failing her MOT.

Don't try and fix her up.
No, get her off the road.

She's no good. Her big end's gone, innit?

She needs new wheels. No point in trying
to patch her up, is there? No! Junk her.

Put her in the knacker's yard.

Listen!

Put you in the knacker's yard(!)

I have been listening to you, mate.
All I'm getting off of you is groups.

Put 'em in groups!

Well, I've got an artificial hip.
What's my group, then?

Artificial hip users' group?

I didn't say that.

And telling my Harry he's an old building
cos his plumbing don't work!

I didn't say that.

- (ALL TALK AT ONCE)
- Just send me up to Harley Street!

ALL I'm trying to do is get
Mrs Hollingbery to think...

to consider moving out
of this squalid room.

Squalid? Oh, I do my best, doctor.

I know, my dear. I...

You know, I'm forever
scrubbing and cleaning.

You could eat your dinner off this floor.

Pills! Quick, pills. In the case. Pills!

Pull your trousers up quick, we're going.

Why?

I've lost faith in him.

Should we ring for an ambulance?

Are you National Health or private?

Private.

Are you going to push me
up the hospital or not?

Oh, God.

I don't understand you.

The woman you work for decides
to be ill, puts herself in 'ospital,

and you've got to be Florence Nightingale,
pack your lamp

and expect me to push you
all the way up there to the hospital.

She's lying up there in that hospital
in a coma.

Well, if she's in a coma, it's a waste
of time going to see her, innit?

If you're in a coma, you don't know
who's come to see you, do you?

I mean, your brain's gone
when you're in a coma.

She might be calling out for me.

Well, if she is calling out for you,

all they've got to do is send someone in,
anyone, and say it's you.

Ooh, you're such a self-centred man!

You've got no feeling for others.

What are you going to do when you get up
there? Sit and bloody well stare at her?

Send her a get-well card.

When she comes out of her coma,
it'll be something for her to read.

I'm going. I want to be with her.

But you won't be with her. Blimey, she
might be dead by the time you get there.

- How long's she been in this coma?
- Two weeks.

Well, there you are, then.

No hurry.

Go another week, when your leg's better.

I want to go anyway. I want to take her
some grapes and a few flowers.

Well, what do a person in a coma
want with grapes and flowers, eh?

Grapes she can't eat
and flowers she can't bloody well see!

I'll know I've done my duty.

Blimey, the nurses'll be grateful,
I'll tell you that.

They'll have the grapes and the flowers.

That's how they get away with
paying them such rotten wages.

It's the perks they pick up
robbing the patients.

I've seen 'em! Staggering out
of the hospital with sacks full of stuff.

They didn't get much out of you when you
was in hospital with your hip, did they?

- How do you know what they had off me?
- Nothing.

Because there was no-one liked you enough
to take anything in for you.

There was people come up to see me,
my dear.

There was people brought me things.

Was there? You sure you wasn't
in a coma and imagined it?

I'll give her coma! Bloody coma!

Bloody pavement! Look at it!

I shouldn't have to be pushing
a wheelchair, not with my hip.

"Escalator out of service!"

Bloody typical!

- You'll have to walk. I can't...
- I wouldn't even let you try.

The ticket inspector said
we'd have difficulty with the...

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Ah!

Say thank you.

Thank you.

- 'Ere.
- What?

I want to go to the toilet.

Why didn't you go before you come out?

- Oi! She wants to go to the toilet.
- Don't tell him!

I've got to tell somebody,
I don't know where it is, do I?

Well, whisper.

(WHISPERS) She wants to go to the toilet.

Sorry, mate, you'll have to speak up.
I'm deaf in one ear.

She wants to go to the toilet.

Wrong ear.

She wants to go to the bleedin' toilet.

All right, all right, no need to shout.

Toilet, love?

Yes, I'm bursting!

Right. You'll have to go outside.
There's one outside, a public one.

I thought she was...

You've just witnessed a miracle, mate.

Happens every day at Lourdes.

Tell your guvnors, they could turn
this platform into a shrine.

I've been pushing
that bleedin' wheelchair all day long!

Wait till I get her home.

There'll be more than her legs is aching.

(# CHAS AND DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# 50 it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #

(# Bridal March)

# ...In sickness and in health
I said "I do" #