In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 3 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript
After holding forth on moral issues Alf goes to the pub where the big news is that Fred Johnson's wife has left him for her Lesbian lover. To make matters worse she intends to move her into the marital home. Alf,of course,blames the French for introducing permissiveness into the country and ends up getting threatened by Mrs Johnson for his pains.
(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
Oh! Ohh!
(GROANING)
Oof!
Gawd.
Aaargh!
Bloody hell! Gordon Bennett! Ooh!
That's all right, not bleeding.
Come here!
Come here!
Bloody daft bloody thing!
Look...
Look, stop hiding, will ya?
Who are you swearing at?
This bloody toe. I'm trying to cut it,
it won't let me. I don't know.
I don't know why we have to have
bloody nails. I mean, what use are they?
Well, I wouldn't want to be without mine.
Look, I'm not talking about fingernails,
I'm talking about toenails, ain't I?
Well, what's the difference?
Oh, blimey! You'd soon see the difference,
you had these growing out
the end of your fingers!
I wouldn't want them growing out
the end of my toes, even.
I dunno why they have to keep on growing.
I mean, nothing else is growing on me.
Everything else has stopped growing.
I mean, why can't your bloody nails
stop growing?
Your hair's stopped growing.
Shut up.
Look, what do you want, anyway?
Well, I come down to see if you'd help me
hang a picture.
Oh, Gordon Bennett.
Look, I'm old, ain't I? I'm 75, abouts.
I'm not a young man any more.
You want me to risk an accident
climbing up a ladder, hanging pictures?
No, you won't have accident. No,
it's a holy picture, it's been blessed.
Well, if it's been blessed, it should
be able to hang itself, shouldn't it?
Look, you help me with the picture
and I'll cut your toenails.
Ow! Mind what you're doing! Be careful!
Where you going?
I'm gonna get my rubber gloves.
You don't think I'd touch your feet
without them?
Look, they're clean.
When'd you wash 'em last?
I bath regular.
I mean, Christmas is regular!
D'you know, I've always wondered
what that awful smell was in this house.
Where's that old gas mask?
You've got an old gas mask...
Very funny.
Come on, lift your feet up.
(SHE HUMS)
You should take these feet to Lourdes
and dip 'em in the water.
What good'll that do?
Well, it'd make 'em a lot cleaner,
for a start.
Why don't you try cutting 'em
one at a time?
Oh, Gordon Bennett, give me patience!
What do you think I'm trying to do? That's
how I always cut 'em, one at a time.
How many do you cut at a time?!
- I mean, don't rush at it so bull-headed.
- Rush?
Rush? My rushing days are over, my dear.
I can't even bend over to cut
me bleeding toenails, can I?
Well, plan it.
Oh, plan it. Plan it! Oh, Gawd!
At my age, I have to plan
everything, my dear.
If I'm only laying in bed, I have to plan
how I'm gonna get out of it.
If I'm sitting in a chair,
I have to plan it before I can stand up.
To walk, that's another plan.
To bend over, that's another plan.
I have to make more plans than bloody
Napoleon did when he was invading Russia!
My life is one bloody big plan, innit?
I have to plan things now that I could do
once without even thinking about.
(NAIL SNIPS)
Where'd that go?
'Ere, we've got food out here.
We don't want it going in there.
'Ere, d'you want this bit of toenail?
What do I want that for?
Well, sentimental reasons. It looks
as though it's been with you a long time.
Here you are. You can be buried together.
Get out of it!
That may not be long now anyway.
- No, probably not.
- Wouldn't bother you, would it?
Not if you help me
hang that picture first.
Yeah, well... Yeah.
I won't be sorry to go, I tell you.
Got nothing to hang on here for, have I?
It's not as though
I've got any loved ones, is it?
That's true.
'Ere, you'd last a lot longer
if you helped yourself
and stopped smoking that thing.
I've lasted 75 years smoking this,
my dear.
Anyway, what am I saving me self for?
Slow starvation,
that's what's staring me in the face.
Bloody Government.
Don't give a stuff for old people,
they don't.
You've gotta fend for yourself, ain't you?
Oh, yeah, Save the Children,
Save the Whales,
Save the Wildlife, save this,
save that.
Nothing about Save the Old,
is there? No!
If I had AIDS, they'd be having
bloody concert parties for me then!
Yeah!
Bloody begging bowls in the streets!
How would you get AIDS?
All right, all right.
Don't be "“fackeeshus". Look...
After the First World War,
there was hundreds and thousands
of soldiers coming back with VD.
Your VD killed
more than your German bullets did!
But they didn't have no concert parties
for them.
No, it was, "Get off down
the Lock Hospital, you dirty bugger!"
And when you got there...
When they got there, all they give 'em
was the umbrella treatment.
What's that?
- What's that?
- Yeah.
Ooh, blimey! Ooh-hoo!
Don't want to go into details, my dear.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
They had a little thing
like a closed umbrella, see?
And they poked it inside you,
and then they opened it up inside
and pulled it out!
- Ooh!
- Yeah, you may well "ooh", my dear.
Cos bloody painful it was, too.
How d'you know?
- Did you...?
- No, I didn't!
I didn't go in for that sort of thing,
did I?
Never got the chance, probably.
Look, I kept myself decent, didn't I?
Anyway, that's not as serious as AIDS.
Oh, isn't it? Well, if you was one of the
poor buggers unlucky enough to catch it,
it was bloody serious, my dear.
If you didn't die from it,
your bloody nose fell off, didn't it?
Or other bits of you.
They didn't have to tell 'em
to have safe sex in them days.
You couldn't have any sex, could ya?
Not with bits and pieces of you
falling off all over the place!
Ooh...men!
Oh, yeah? And who do you think
they catch it off of?
Well, it's only a certain type of woman.
And it's only a certain type of man,
my dear.
Anyway, AIDS is different
to venereal disease.
I mean, venereal disease
was a dirty, disgusting disease.
But.. .decent, respectable people
can catch AIDS.
Oh, yeah? And what do you think
these decent, respectable people's
getting up to, to catch AIDS, eh?
- Yeah, well, it's not always their fault.
- Well, whose fault is it, then?
Rock Hudson caught AIDS,
and there was nothing wrong with him.
Except he caught AIDS, my dear!
It's not like catching a cold, you know.
No, I'm English, that's my trouble.
If I was foreign,
they'd care for me then, all right.
- Who would?
- All the bloody caring people!
If I had a black face...
- To match your black feet.
- Shut up!
If I had a black face, my dear,
if twas a..a...
Ethiopian, or Bangladeshi, Indian even,
they'd care then
if I didn't have enough to eat.
Those poor people
you're talking about are starving.
I'm starving, but nobody's getting up
concerts for me, are they?
All right, they're hungry,
but so am I hungry!
Cor blimey. And I'm cold, too,
which they're not!
They don't have to worry about gas
or electric or the price of bloody water.
They ain't got any water.
No, and neither will we have soon,
the price they're charging us for it!
Yes, but...those people
are facing starvation!
Well, we're facing starvation! What do you
think we've got in the bloody larder here?
Yeah, but theirs is a famine.
Ours is a famine. We've got a famine
in this house, ain't we?
What have we had to eat today, eh?
And what will we have to eat tomorrow?
There's no helicopters whizzing over
this house delivering food, is there?
Look, my dear, I know...
I know it's hard for them.
It's hard for everybody in this world.
What they've got to do, they've got to
learn to grow things out there.
I don't know why they don't move.
They'll never make a go of that place
out there. I mean...
it's no good sitting moaning about it.
Do what Norman Tebbit says -
get on your bike.
I mean, if farming's not what you're cut
out for, if you ain't got green fingers,
all right, find another job you can do.
Anyway, it's all sand out there, innit?
Nothing will grow in sand
except bloody seaweed. Look...
I've got nothing against
your Ethiopians. I mean...
it's not their fault
they're Ethiopians, is it?
They didn't ask to be born Ethiopians,
I know that.
I mean, you can't choose your land
or your parents, can you? I know that.
I mean, you don't blame a donkey
cos he's not a racehorse, do ya?
You don't beat it.
It's not his fault he's a donkey,
he didn't ask to be made a donkey, did he?
It is what it is,
and you can't change that,
so show a bit of sympathy,
that's what I'm saying.
Give him a nice little cart to pull
so he won't feel unwanted.
Well, that is the Christian thing to do,
innit?
- Ow! Mind what you're bloody well doing!
- Keep your foot still.
I mean, even the Irish can grow potatoes.
Yeah...
So could you, under these toenails.
You're all talk, you are.
What do you ever do out in that yard?
I mean, all you've ever grown out there
is a couple of sticks of mangy old rhubarb
and...and a few weeds.
Can't help weeds, my dear.
Oh, you did. You was out there watering
them till I told you what they was.
There was flowers in amongst 'em.
Dandelions!
If you were any sort of man,
you'd go out there and try and make
something of that back yard.
It'd be a big help if you could grow
a bit of food out there.
Bit of lettuce, few cabbages, potatoes,
carrots, peas,
- Marrows...
- Ooh!
I can't, can I? There's a bloody
hose-pipe ban, isn't there?
Yeah? Well, perhaps they got hose-pipe ban
in Ethiopia, too!
I dunno how I manage with my Bill
out of work.
I try to get them to bed early
so they don't know they've missed a meal.
Come on, in!
I won't tell you again!
Here comes the bogeyman! You don't come
in now, I'll let the bogeyman have ya!
Come on, Wayne.
- Ooh!
- That's mine.
- I saw it first!
- We'll share it.
We will not share it!
Bloody kids! I'll 'ave you!
I'll 'ave you, you swines!
Bloody hell!
Hello, Mrs Hollingbery.
How is he?
I see he's walking better.
Yeah, I just cut his toenails.
Oh, the things you have to do for 'em
when they get to that age!
My father's the same.
Has to be helped everywhere.
On and off to...do his business,
rubber sheets on his bed.
They're a handful, aren't they? (LAUGHS)
How's his leg?
What leg?
- The one he had off.
- Oh, it was only his hip.
What, that as well?
It's a miracle what they can do
these days.
If you can get in to see 'em, that is.
Oh, I wonder
if it's worth it, at their age.
Got a false one, has he?
Yeah, I had an uncle got one.
Had it for years, he has.
Swears by it. Says it's the only part
of him that don't have arthritis in it!
Is she talking about me?
Are you talking about me?
Oh, he understands what you say, then?
I shall 'ave to be careful
what I say, then.
My father's gone back to being a baby.
I don't think he's ever stopped being one.
- Do you have trouble feeding him?
- Come on!
Oh, they're a problem,
and no-one helps you with them.
No, it's hard to say it, but you're...
you're better off when the Lord takes 'em.
Oh, he's off! Just like children,
aren't they? (LAUGHS)
I'll leave you to catch 'im, then.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- Oh!
Oh, they are a scream, aren't they?
No, it's a shame for 'em,
but you 'ave to laugh! (CACKLES)
Oh, dear!
- You heard about Fred Johnson?
- What?
His wife's run off with another woman.
Another woman?!
(HE HOOTS)
That's the most cheerful
I've seen 'im all day.
I told you that in confidence.
My lips are sealed.
I don't like spreading tales.
I told her, you can't keep
that sort of thing a secret.
I've only told Alf.
Oh, well, everyone in the street
will know now!
- Not from me, they won't.
-So...
Mrs Johnson's gone ambidextrous,
has she?
Run off with a lesbian, has she? (HOOTS)
Where'd they run off to, Lesbia? (LAUGHS)
Are you going to bar them out of here?
Course! Course they'll be barred
out of here.
I don't want to sit in the same company
as women like that.
They won't bother you, dear.
It's become a funny old world, though,
hasn't it, Alf, eh? Oh-ho!
Men at it with men,
women at it with women.
Ho! I'll tell you one thing, though.
If this spreads, it'll solve
the population problem.
Yeah.
How do they perform, though?
Do you know, Alf?
- What, you mean when they're...?
- Atit. Yes.
I mean...women haven't exactly
got the sort of tackle
for that sort of thing, have they?
See...what they do, Michael, they, er...
...they...you know...
Well, it...it ain't normal,
you know. It's...
Well, don't look at me!
No, I... It's not natural. See, I mean...
Well, in their way, I suppose
they're a bit more like your Nancy boys.
But your Nancy boy's still got his...
His love truncheon.
Truncheon? Hah!
Well, I must say, I've...
I've had a very sheltered life.
I'm no authority on the wherewithals
and what-nots and whatsits that some men
are supposed to be armed with.
But from my experience,
pencil-stub's a better description.
Look here...!
If Fred Johnson is no better
equipped than my Harry,
Mrs Johnson's
not going to miss nothing!
Never mind what your Harry's got, or ain't
got. No lesbian could ever replace a man.
Huh! ...Oh, he's here.
- He's here.
- Oh.
On your own, then?
Yes.
- Erm... Missus not with you tonight?
- No.
Oh.
Where is she? (GIGGLES)
- She's gone away.
- Oh, yeah?
Where's she gone?
She's staying with a friend.
Oh, yeah?
- Girlfriend, is it?
- Yes.
That's all right, then, innit? She won't
get up to no hanky-panky with...!
Yeah...(!) No, the cow! I'm gonna buy
a gun and bloody shoot the pair of 'em.
I caught the pair of 'em on my sofa
with no clothes on...in my bed,
naked...with gadgets!
Bloody women! They're so bloody deceitful!
This bloody girl kept coming round.
Always round the house. Good-looking girl,
always very pleasant, always friendly.
Bit on the big side, but well made,
well proportioned, with these big, firm...
- Eye-openers.
- I used to come home from work
and there she'd be, sitting with
the missus. She seemed very keen.
Naturally, I thought it was me.
I thought she fancied me.
Bloody deceitful cow!
It was the missus she fancied.
She was a bloody lesbian,
the whore, the cow!
Try and forget it.
Don't let it play on your mind.
Yeah...I mean...don't pay no heed
to the sniggerers,
cos there'll be plenty of them,
I can tell you.
- The cow!
- That's it. That's the attitude.
She spurned you and all you could
give her, turned you into a figure of fun.
How does that make him look?
Your wife runs off with another man,
that's saying something.
But she runs off with another woman?
That's saying something else.
Oh, there's probably nothing in it.
She probably just wants someone she can
tell her troubles to, that's all it is.
Troubles?! What troubles? I fed her,
I clothed her, I put a roof over her head.
That's how she repays him -
runs off with a woman!
She's living with her as man and wife.
Well...not man and wife exactly,
but...well, lesbian...
and, and, and, and...
Yeah.
Well, whatever they're doing,
they're doing it together!
I'll get a gun. I'm gonna buy a gun,
go round there and shoot the pair of 'em.
Perfectly right, and you'd get away
with it in a decent, civilised country.
Church-mad, she was, religious potty!
Always singing bloody hymns.
Her sort ain't fit to be Christian.
They shouldn't be allowed
to be Christians. Nor your poofters.
They should be banned from the church,
not allowed to parade themselves
in front of the Lord.
I kept her! I paid for everything
she eats, everything she wears...
- And the other.
-Eh?
Conjugals.
Don't forget about your conjugals. You
paid for them, and they don't come cheap.
She's not allowed to give your
conjugal rights away to anyone else.
That's the law! They're sacrosanct to you.
Yeah. I don't think I want 'em from her,
not after what she's done with 'em.
Granted. No man would.
That's not the point. She's not allowed
to give them away to anyone else.
Especially not to another woman!
That's grounds for divorce alone.
Divorce her!
Chuck 'er out without a penny!
Don't worry! She's not gonna share
half my property with a bloody lesbian!
I don't know the law on that.
Never mind the law,
because I'll shoot her first!
Ah! I mean, the things
I've done for that woman!
She was nothing when I married her.
I had to step down to marry her.
I've given her respect,
I've given her a home...
But she wasn't happy.
Happy? Well,
she should've been bloody happy!
If she had any sense,
she'd have been happy, the cow!
I blame the yuppies.
They put things in people's heads.
Your yuppies and your hippies.
This was a respectable neighbourhood
once. Never 'ad no lesbians round here.
Well...the odd poofter, maybe,
just for the sailors in the docks.
I say, if there's something wrong
with 'em, something what's not normal,
they should keep it to theirs elves.
Not flaunt it in front of the rest of us.
- They don't see anything wrong with it.
- No, cos they've got no shame.
Some of 'em think
they ought a get a medal for it!
I know.
Well, we can't all be perfect, can we?
But things like that
should be kept under cover.
- Cover it up!
- You can't open a paper nor watch telly
not without having someone's sexual
perversion stuffed down your throat.
Right!
- It's your French, innit?
-Eh?
- MICHAEL: The Frogs.
- Yeah, bloody French!
They invented all them perversions.
That's why your Tunnel's not a good idea.
I mean, they'll creep through that,
spreading more perversions.
Once upon a time, it was just sailors
brought that thing in the country.
Quarantine 'em!
Anyone coming in from abroad should
have to spend six months in quarantine.
If they take their dogs with them,
that has to go into quarantine.
He's probably behaved his self
a bloody sight better than they have.
This was a clean and decent country once
with clean, decent people living in it.
Not any more. Now any bloody
foreigner can come over here,
learn a smattering of language
and call himself English,
and expect the same treatment
as those born and bred here,
none of 'em with any past or history
worth having, none of our culture,
and expect to live on equal terms
with the rest of us!
Oh, shut up! Give your moaning
misery-mouth a rest!
I'm up to 'ere with your whining!
I've 'ad it all day.
From morning till night, he never stops.
Makes me sick!
Running other people down,
as though you was something superior.
I cut his toenails -
I had to put rubber gloves on.
You should see the state of his feet!
They're like two mouldy black puddings,
and they smell as bad.
They can't have seen soap and water
since his poor wife died.
She would never have allowed him
into her bed with feet like that.
Nobody would. And why he's so down
on people with a black skin
when his own feet are blacker
than any that walked out of Africa?
And black by dirt, not sunshine,
I might add.
See what I 'ave to put up with?
See what I've gotta live with?
I've had enough of him for one day.
I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
Oh! 'Ere...
I want my things.
I want my things out of that house.
That is my house and I don't want you
going in there, nor her.
Not that thing you've run off with.
If you were a man, I'd take you outside.
If you was a man, she might let you.
Easy on, now!
Don't let her provoke you.
Let her collect her things and clear off.
If you want to hang onto your house
and property, play it clever.
- Yeah! We don't want her sort down 'ere.
- Yeah, but she left me for a lesbian.
Don't let her provoke you.
She could get a court order.
She's got the law on her side.
She could accuse you of brutality.
Give me that. She could have you
out of the house with no access.
Oh.
Clear off out of it! Go on!
Bloody pervert!
MICHAEL: You've got to be the victim.
Make her the villain.
Yeah. All right, dear(!)
Go and collect your things.
But you've changed the locks.
Sorry(!) I didn't want people creeping in
and stealing things while I was out.
Don't antagonise her!
- I meant burglars.
- Give me them keys!
(WOMEN SHRIEK)
You pig! Thank God
I won't have to live with you any more!
Soam I
- Just get on!
- You chauvinistic swine!
Oh, yeah...
Thank you, dear(!)
Well, how did I do?
You did well. Let her go. Keep the house,
that's the important thing.
Mr Johnson, I don't hold in with lesbians,
but I still say she's entitled
to half of your property.
No, nothing! She left, so serve her right!
There's your belongings.
And there's Mabel's keys.
She's living with me now,
so you can have her place.
It's a squat in Poplar.
There's the address. Goodbye!
- You and your "you be the victim"!
- Well, you are. You are the victim!
(ALF LAUGHS)
And you! I heard
what you said about perverts.
One more word out of you
and I'll wipe that silly grin
off your face with my fist!
It's a bloody lucky thing
she's a woman, I'll tell you!
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #
Oh! Ohh!
(GROANING)
Oof!
Gawd.
Aaargh!
Bloody hell! Gordon Bennett! Ooh!
That's all right, not bleeding.
Come here!
Come here!
Bloody daft bloody thing!
Look...
Look, stop hiding, will ya?
Who are you swearing at?
This bloody toe. I'm trying to cut it,
it won't let me. I don't know.
I don't know why we have to have
bloody nails. I mean, what use are they?
Well, I wouldn't want to be without mine.
Look, I'm not talking about fingernails,
I'm talking about toenails, ain't I?
Well, what's the difference?
Oh, blimey! You'd soon see the difference,
you had these growing out
the end of your fingers!
I wouldn't want them growing out
the end of my toes, even.
I dunno why they have to keep on growing.
I mean, nothing else is growing on me.
Everything else has stopped growing.
I mean, why can't your bloody nails
stop growing?
Your hair's stopped growing.
Shut up.
Look, what do you want, anyway?
Well, I come down to see if you'd help me
hang a picture.
Oh, Gordon Bennett.
Look, I'm old, ain't I? I'm 75, abouts.
I'm not a young man any more.
You want me to risk an accident
climbing up a ladder, hanging pictures?
No, you won't have accident. No,
it's a holy picture, it's been blessed.
Well, if it's been blessed, it should
be able to hang itself, shouldn't it?
Look, you help me with the picture
and I'll cut your toenails.
Ow! Mind what you're doing! Be careful!
Where you going?
I'm gonna get my rubber gloves.
You don't think I'd touch your feet
without them?
Look, they're clean.
When'd you wash 'em last?
I bath regular.
I mean, Christmas is regular!
D'you know, I've always wondered
what that awful smell was in this house.
Where's that old gas mask?
You've got an old gas mask...
Very funny.
Come on, lift your feet up.
(SHE HUMS)
You should take these feet to Lourdes
and dip 'em in the water.
What good'll that do?
Well, it'd make 'em a lot cleaner,
for a start.
Why don't you try cutting 'em
one at a time?
Oh, Gordon Bennett, give me patience!
What do you think I'm trying to do? That's
how I always cut 'em, one at a time.
How many do you cut at a time?!
- I mean, don't rush at it so bull-headed.
- Rush?
Rush? My rushing days are over, my dear.
I can't even bend over to cut
me bleeding toenails, can I?
Well, plan it.
Oh, plan it. Plan it! Oh, Gawd!
At my age, I have to plan
everything, my dear.
If I'm only laying in bed, I have to plan
how I'm gonna get out of it.
If I'm sitting in a chair,
I have to plan it before I can stand up.
To walk, that's another plan.
To bend over, that's another plan.
I have to make more plans than bloody
Napoleon did when he was invading Russia!
My life is one bloody big plan, innit?
I have to plan things now that I could do
once without even thinking about.
(NAIL SNIPS)
Where'd that go?
'Ere, we've got food out here.
We don't want it going in there.
'Ere, d'you want this bit of toenail?
What do I want that for?
Well, sentimental reasons. It looks
as though it's been with you a long time.
Here you are. You can be buried together.
Get out of it!
That may not be long now anyway.
- No, probably not.
- Wouldn't bother you, would it?
Not if you help me
hang that picture first.
Yeah, well... Yeah.
I won't be sorry to go, I tell you.
Got nothing to hang on here for, have I?
It's not as though
I've got any loved ones, is it?
That's true.
'Ere, you'd last a lot longer
if you helped yourself
and stopped smoking that thing.
I've lasted 75 years smoking this,
my dear.
Anyway, what am I saving me self for?
Slow starvation,
that's what's staring me in the face.
Bloody Government.
Don't give a stuff for old people,
they don't.
You've gotta fend for yourself, ain't you?
Oh, yeah, Save the Children,
Save the Whales,
Save the Wildlife, save this,
save that.
Nothing about Save the Old,
is there? No!
If I had AIDS, they'd be having
bloody concert parties for me then!
Yeah!
Bloody begging bowls in the streets!
How would you get AIDS?
All right, all right.
Don't be "“fackeeshus". Look...
After the First World War,
there was hundreds and thousands
of soldiers coming back with VD.
Your VD killed
more than your German bullets did!
But they didn't have no concert parties
for them.
No, it was, "Get off down
the Lock Hospital, you dirty bugger!"
And when you got there...
When they got there, all they give 'em
was the umbrella treatment.
What's that?
- What's that?
- Yeah.
Ooh, blimey! Ooh-hoo!
Don't want to go into details, my dear.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
They had a little thing
like a closed umbrella, see?
And they poked it inside you,
and then they opened it up inside
and pulled it out!
- Ooh!
- Yeah, you may well "ooh", my dear.
Cos bloody painful it was, too.
How d'you know?
- Did you...?
- No, I didn't!
I didn't go in for that sort of thing,
did I?
Never got the chance, probably.
Look, I kept myself decent, didn't I?
Anyway, that's not as serious as AIDS.
Oh, isn't it? Well, if you was one of the
poor buggers unlucky enough to catch it,
it was bloody serious, my dear.
If you didn't die from it,
your bloody nose fell off, didn't it?
Or other bits of you.
They didn't have to tell 'em
to have safe sex in them days.
You couldn't have any sex, could ya?
Not with bits and pieces of you
falling off all over the place!
Ooh...men!
Oh, yeah? And who do you think
they catch it off of?
Well, it's only a certain type of woman.
And it's only a certain type of man,
my dear.
Anyway, AIDS is different
to venereal disease.
I mean, venereal disease
was a dirty, disgusting disease.
But.. .decent, respectable people
can catch AIDS.
Oh, yeah? And what do you think
these decent, respectable people's
getting up to, to catch AIDS, eh?
- Yeah, well, it's not always their fault.
- Well, whose fault is it, then?
Rock Hudson caught AIDS,
and there was nothing wrong with him.
Except he caught AIDS, my dear!
It's not like catching a cold, you know.
No, I'm English, that's my trouble.
If I was foreign,
they'd care for me then, all right.
- Who would?
- All the bloody caring people!
If I had a black face...
- To match your black feet.
- Shut up!
If I had a black face, my dear,
if twas a..a...
Ethiopian, or Bangladeshi, Indian even,
they'd care then
if I didn't have enough to eat.
Those poor people
you're talking about are starving.
I'm starving, but nobody's getting up
concerts for me, are they?
All right, they're hungry,
but so am I hungry!
Cor blimey. And I'm cold, too,
which they're not!
They don't have to worry about gas
or electric or the price of bloody water.
They ain't got any water.
No, and neither will we have soon,
the price they're charging us for it!
Yes, but...those people
are facing starvation!
Well, we're facing starvation! What do you
think we've got in the bloody larder here?
Yeah, but theirs is a famine.
Ours is a famine. We've got a famine
in this house, ain't we?
What have we had to eat today, eh?
And what will we have to eat tomorrow?
There's no helicopters whizzing over
this house delivering food, is there?
Look, my dear, I know...
I know it's hard for them.
It's hard for everybody in this world.
What they've got to do, they've got to
learn to grow things out there.
I don't know why they don't move.
They'll never make a go of that place
out there. I mean...
it's no good sitting moaning about it.
Do what Norman Tebbit says -
get on your bike.
I mean, if farming's not what you're cut
out for, if you ain't got green fingers,
all right, find another job you can do.
Anyway, it's all sand out there, innit?
Nothing will grow in sand
except bloody seaweed. Look...
I've got nothing against
your Ethiopians. I mean...
it's not their fault
they're Ethiopians, is it?
They didn't ask to be born Ethiopians,
I know that.
I mean, you can't choose your land
or your parents, can you? I know that.
I mean, you don't blame a donkey
cos he's not a racehorse, do ya?
You don't beat it.
It's not his fault he's a donkey,
he didn't ask to be made a donkey, did he?
It is what it is,
and you can't change that,
so show a bit of sympathy,
that's what I'm saying.
Give him a nice little cart to pull
so he won't feel unwanted.
Well, that is the Christian thing to do,
innit?
- Ow! Mind what you're bloody well doing!
- Keep your foot still.
I mean, even the Irish can grow potatoes.
Yeah...
So could you, under these toenails.
You're all talk, you are.
What do you ever do out in that yard?
I mean, all you've ever grown out there
is a couple of sticks of mangy old rhubarb
and...and a few weeds.
Can't help weeds, my dear.
Oh, you did. You was out there watering
them till I told you what they was.
There was flowers in amongst 'em.
Dandelions!
If you were any sort of man,
you'd go out there and try and make
something of that back yard.
It'd be a big help if you could grow
a bit of food out there.
Bit of lettuce, few cabbages, potatoes,
carrots, peas,
- Marrows...
- Ooh!
I can't, can I? There's a bloody
hose-pipe ban, isn't there?
Yeah? Well, perhaps they got hose-pipe ban
in Ethiopia, too!
I dunno how I manage with my Bill
out of work.
I try to get them to bed early
so they don't know they've missed a meal.
Come on, in!
I won't tell you again!
Here comes the bogeyman! You don't come
in now, I'll let the bogeyman have ya!
Come on, Wayne.
- Ooh!
- That's mine.
- I saw it first!
- We'll share it.
We will not share it!
Bloody kids! I'll 'ave you!
I'll 'ave you, you swines!
Bloody hell!
Hello, Mrs Hollingbery.
How is he?
I see he's walking better.
Yeah, I just cut his toenails.
Oh, the things you have to do for 'em
when they get to that age!
My father's the same.
Has to be helped everywhere.
On and off to...do his business,
rubber sheets on his bed.
They're a handful, aren't they? (LAUGHS)
How's his leg?
What leg?
- The one he had off.
- Oh, it was only his hip.
What, that as well?
It's a miracle what they can do
these days.
If you can get in to see 'em, that is.
Oh, I wonder
if it's worth it, at their age.
Got a false one, has he?
Yeah, I had an uncle got one.
Had it for years, he has.
Swears by it. Says it's the only part
of him that don't have arthritis in it!
Is she talking about me?
Are you talking about me?
Oh, he understands what you say, then?
I shall 'ave to be careful
what I say, then.
My father's gone back to being a baby.
I don't think he's ever stopped being one.
- Do you have trouble feeding him?
- Come on!
Oh, they're a problem,
and no-one helps you with them.
No, it's hard to say it, but you're...
you're better off when the Lord takes 'em.
Oh, he's off! Just like children,
aren't they? (LAUGHS)
I'll leave you to catch 'im, then.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- Oh!
Oh, they are a scream, aren't they?
No, it's a shame for 'em,
but you 'ave to laugh! (CACKLES)
Oh, dear!
- You heard about Fred Johnson?
- What?
His wife's run off with another woman.
Another woman?!
(HE HOOTS)
That's the most cheerful
I've seen 'im all day.
I told you that in confidence.
My lips are sealed.
I don't like spreading tales.
I told her, you can't keep
that sort of thing a secret.
I've only told Alf.
Oh, well, everyone in the street
will know now!
- Not from me, they won't.
-So...
Mrs Johnson's gone ambidextrous,
has she?
Run off with a lesbian, has she? (HOOTS)
Where'd they run off to, Lesbia? (LAUGHS)
Are you going to bar them out of here?
Course! Course they'll be barred
out of here.
I don't want to sit in the same company
as women like that.
They won't bother you, dear.
It's become a funny old world, though,
hasn't it, Alf, eh? Oh-ho!
Men at it with men,
women at it with women.
Ho! I'll tell you one thing, though.
If this spreads, it'll solve
the population problem.
Yeah.
How do they perform, though?
Do you know, Alf?
- What, you mean when they're...?
- Atit. Yes.
I mean...women haven't exactly
got the sort of tackle
for that sort of thing, have they?
See...what they do, Michael, they, er...
...they...you know...
Well, it...it ain't normal,
you know. It's...
Well, don't look at me!
No, I... It's not natural. See, I mean...
Well, in their way, I suppose
they're a bit more like your Nancy boys.
But your Nancy boy's still got his...
His love truncheon.
Truncheon? Hah!
Well, I must say, I've...
I've had a very sheltered life.
I'm no authority on the wherewithals
and what-nots and whatsits that some men
are supposed to be armed with.
But from my experience,
pencil-stub's a better description.
Look here...!
If Fred Johnson is no better
equipped than my Harry,
Mrs Johnson's
not going to miss nothing!
Never mind what your Harry's got, or ain't
got. No lesbian could ever replace a man.
Huh! ...Oh, he's here.
- He's here.
- Oh.
On your own, then?
Yes.
- Erm... Missus not with you tonight?
- No.
Oh.
Where is she? (GIGGLES)
- She's gone away.
- Oh, yeah?
Where's she gone?
She's staying with a friend.
Oh, yeah?
- Girlfriend, is it?
- Yes.
That's all right, then, innit? She won't
get up to no hanky-panky with...!
Yeah...(!) No, the cow! I'm gonna buy
a gun and bloody shoot the pair of 'em.
I caught the pair of 'em on my sofa
with no clothes on...in my bed,
naked...with gadgets!
Bloody women! They're so bloody deceitful!
This bloody girl kept coming round.
Always round the house. Good-looking girl,
always very pleasant, always friendly.
Bit on the big side, but well made,
well proportioned, with these big, firm...
- Eye-openers.
- I used to come home from work
and there she'd be, sitting with
the missus. She seemed very keen.
Naturally, I thought it was me.
I thought she fancied me.
Bloody deceitful cow!
It was the missus she fancied.
She was a bloody lesbian,
the whore, the cow!
Try and forget it.
Don't let it play on your mind.
Yeah...I mean...don't pay no heed
to the sniggerers,
cos there'll be plenty of them,
I can tell you.
- The cow!
- That's it. That's the attitude.
She spurned you and all you could
give her, turned you into a figure of fun.
How does that make him look?
Your wife runs off with another man,
that's saying something.
But she runs off with another woman?
That's saying something else.
Oh, there's probably nothing in it.
She probably just wants someone she can
tell her troubles to, that's all it is.
Troubles?! What troubles? I fed her,
I clothed her, I put a roof over her head.
That's how she repays him -
runs off with a woman!
She's living with her as man and wife.
Well...not man and wife exactly,
but...well, lesbian...
and, and, and, and...
Yeah.
Well, whatever they're doing,
they're doing it together!
I'll get a gun. I'm gonna buy a gun,
go round there and shoot the pair of 'em.
Perfectly right, and you'd get away
with it in a decent, civilised country.
Church-mad, she was, religious potty!
Always singing bloody hymns.
Her sort ain't fit to be Christian.
They shouldn't be allowed
to be Christians. Nor your poofters.
They should be banned from the church,
not allowed to parade themselves
in front of the Lord.
I kept her! I paid for everything
she eats, everything she wears...
- And the other.
-Eh?
Conjugals.
Don't forget about your conjugals. You
paid for them, and they don't come cheap.
She's not allowed to give your
conjugal rights away to anyone else.
That's the law! They're sacrosanct to you.
Yeah. I don't think I want 'em from her,
not after what she's done with 'em.
Granted. No man would.
That's not the point. She's not allowed
to give them away to anyone else.
Especially not to another woman!
That's grounds for divorce alone.
Divorce her!
Chuck 'er out without a penny!
Don't worry! She's not gonna share
half my property with a bloody lesbian!
I don't know the law on that.
Never mind the law,
because I'll shoot her first!
Ah! I mean, the things
I've done for that woman!
She was nothing when I married her.
I had to step down to marry her.
I've given her respect,
I've given her a home...
But she wasn't happy.
Happy? Well,
she should've been bloody happy!
If she had any sense,
she'd have been happy, the cow!
I blame the yuppies.
They put things in people's heads.
Your yuppies and your hippies.
This was a respectable neighbourhood
once. Never 'ad no lesbians round here.
Well...the odd poofter, maybe,
just for the sailors in the docks.
I say, if there's something wrong
with 'em, something what's not normal,
they should keep it to theirs elves.
Not flaunt it in front of the rest of us.
- They don't see anything wrong with it.
- No, cos they've got no shame.
Some of 'em think
they ought a get a medal for it!
I know.
Well, we can't all be perfect, can we?
But things like that
should be kept under cover.
- Cover it up!
- You can't open a paper nor watch telly
not without having someone's sexual
perversion stuffed down your throat.
Right!
- It's your French, innit?
-Eh?
- MICHAEL: The Frogs.
- Yeah, bloody French!
They invented all them perversions.
That's why your Tunnel's not a good idea.
I mean, they'll creep through that,
spreading more perversions.
Once upon a time, it was just sailors
brought that thing in the country.
Quarantine 'em!
Anyone coming in from abroad should
have to spend six months in quarantine.
If they take their dogs with them,
that has to go into quarantine.
He's probably behaved his self
a bloody sight better than they have.
This was a clean and decent country once
with clean, decent people living in it.
Not any more. Now any bloody
foreigner can come over here,
learn a smattering of language
and call himself English,
and expect the same treatment
as those born and bred here,
none of 'em with any past or history
worth having, none of our culture,
and expect to live on equal terms
with the rest of us!
Oh, shut up! Give your moaning
misery-mouth a rest!
I'm up to 'ere with your whining!
I've 'ad it all day.
From morning till night, he never stops.
Makes me sick!
Running other people down,
as though you was something superior.
I cut his toenails -
I had to put rubber gloves on.
You should see the state of his feet!
They're like two mouldy black puddings,
and they smell as bad.
They can't have seen soap and water
since his poor wife died.
She would never have allowed him
into her bed with feet like that.
Nobody would. And why he's so down
on people with a black skin
when his own feet are blacker
than any that walked out of Africa?
And black by dirt, not sunshine,
I might add.
See what I 'ave to put up with?
See what I've gotta live with?
I've had enough of him for one day.
I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
Oh! 'Ere...
I want my things.
I want my things out of that house.
That is my house and I don't want you
going in there, nor her.
Not that thing you've run off with.
If you were a man, I'd take you outside.
If you was a man, she might let you.
Easy on, now!
Don't let her provoke you.
Let her collect her things and clear off.
If you want to hang onto your house
and property, play it clever.
- Yeah! We don't want her sort down 'ere.
- Yeah, but she left me for a lesbian.
Don't let her provoke you.
She could get a court order.
She's got the law on her side.
She could accuse you of brutality.
Give me that. She could have you
out of the house with no access.
Oh.
Clear off out of it! Go on!
Bloody pervert!
MICHAEL: You've got to be the victim.
Make her the villain.
Yeah. All right, dear(!)
Go and collect your things.
But you've changed the locks.
Sorry(!) I didn't want people creeping in
and stealing things while I was out.
Don't antagonise her!
- I meant burglars.
- Give me them keys!
(WOMEN SHRIEK)
You pig! Thank God
I won't have to live with you any more!
Soam I
- Just get on!
- You chauvinistic swine!
Oh, yeah...
Thank you, dear(!)
Well, how did I do?
You did well. Let her go. Keep the house,
that's the important thing.
Mr Johnson, I don't hold in with lesbians,
but I still say she's entitled
to half of your property.
No, nothing! She left, so serve her right!
There's your belongings.
And there's Mabel's keys.
She's living with me now,
so you can have her place.
It's a squat in Poplar.
There's the address. Goodbye!
- You and your "you be the victim"!
- Well, you are. You are the victim!
(ALF LAUGHS)
And you! I heard
what you said about perverts.
One more word out of you
and I'll wipe that silly grin
off your face with my fist!
It's a bloody lucky thing
she's a woman, I'll tell you!
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #