In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 5 - Episode #6.5 - full transcript

(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.

#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #

(# Bridal March)

#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #



Don't talk to me about referendums!

Look at this!
This used to be 12 pennies once.

A shilling.
Now it's only five pennies.

This was a two shilling piece.
24 pennies.

You could buy 20 fags
and six pints of Guinness for that once.

That's inflation.

It's robbery. Daylight robbery!

240 pennies to the pound
we used to have once,

before all this messing about
in Europe started.

140 pence has been stolen from us,
from each and every one of us.

So who's had it? Where did it go, eh?

Oh...

"You've never had it so good!"
said Harold Macmillan(!)

- Somebody soon put a stop to that.
- It wasn't Macmillan what stole it!



Old Mac had his own money.
He didn't need to nick ours.

Somebody had it.

It was Harold Wilson livin' at Number 10
in them days!

- You've got a down on that man.
- No, I try to be fair. Speak as I find.

But you put a poor boy in a big house
like that,

well, it turns his head, don't it?

Municipal golf club was the biggest house
he'd been in till he got into Number 10.

It was Ted Heath put us into Europe.

It was your darling Harold
what held the referendum!

It was Mr Edward Heath had our pennies!

Son of a jobbing builder, he was.

Next thing you know, young Teddy's
out of grammar school and Prime Minister

with two grand pianos
and a big boat on the River Aire.

What about Harold Wilson, then?
Ruined this bloody country, he did.

Oh!

Never mind about, "Oh!
He lined his pockets first

and then emigrated to the Scilly Isles
and became a tax exile.

He wasn't the only one.

Look, Ted Heath stayed here, didn't he?

He might have fiddled a few quid
for his self on the side

but he stayed here
and paid the tax on it.

I mean, Her Majesty the Queen -
all the money she's got.

She's never run off
and become a tax exile, has she?

She doesn't pay tax, does she?

I think she ought to.

If anyone can afford to pay tax, she can.

That's clever, that is! Make her pay tax

and she'll be off into tax exile
with the rest of 'em.

Where to? Who'd have her?

Who'd have her?!
(SHOUTING) Who'd have her?!

The bloody )Japs'd have her, mate.

They're buying up the world, ain't they?

They've already got bloody
Robson and Lineker. Cor blimey!

They'd jump at the chance of our Queen.

They got their own royals.

Yeah, so they might have.
Not a patch on ours, are they?

They might be clever little sods
at making motor cars, but...

...and all their electronicals
and all their high technology,

but nobody makes better royals
than we do, mate!

I'll grant you that. I'm an Irishman,

but when it come to making royals,
nobody makes them better than the English.

That's right.

Pity we can't export them,
might put the country back on its feet.

That's what the Common Market thing's
all about, innit?

It's her they want - Her Majesty and us.

Don't need no referendums.

All we've got to say,
"No, we're not interested,"

and the whole thing'll fizzle out.

Or, "Yes, we'll run it for you!"
And - ba-boom! Big success.

Because they know that without Her Majesty
and us, it's a non-starter.

Cos nobody knows more
about running empires than we do.

Empress of Europe, that's what she'll be,
with her face on all the banknotes.

What're you doing?

Tomorrow's breakfast.

- Blimey, not much, is it?
- No... Be less tomorrow.

- Which one's mine?
- That one.

Hmm. I see. Thought as much.

- What d'you mean?
- Nothing. Nothing. I'm not complaining.

I notice you've given yourself
the biggest bit of bacon.

It's all right, I'm not complaining.

- They're both the same size!
- Yeah, all right! If you say so.

All right. You have that one.

No, no, no. I'm not complaining.

If Mrs Carey buys that wardrobe
off me today,

I might be able to do a bit of shopping.

Otherwise you will have something
to complain about.

Cos it'll be bread and pull-it
from now on.

- Pull-it? What's that?
- Pull it.

Pull it anyway you like,
that's all you got.

At least until the bread runs out.

- You will help me move that wardrobe?
- Yes, I told you!

Well, see you do!

Otherwise, whatever money I get,
I'll spend it on me self.

- Bloody wardrobe!
- Right, I'm off.

Yeah.

Bloody hell.

I can't move this!

What's she think I am -
bloody Samson?

Load of old rubbish, anyway.

Firewood, that's all that's fit for.

Oooh, Gawd!

Bloody hell! Ooh!

Ooh!

Bloody stupid bloody wardrobe!

Bloody sodding place
to put a bloody drawer, that is!

Bloody hell!

Hello... Hello, what's this?

(MUTTERS) What's this?

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh!

It's real.

It's real enough. Blimey!

She don't know about this.
She can't do. It's a fortune.

Blimey! This could be part of
the Daily Mirror Pension Fund!

No, it's a bit musty.

It's been in that drawer for years.
That's pre-Maxwell, that is.

Well, finders keepers, eh?!
Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Blimey! That's a secret drawer,
ain't it? Look at that!

Well, this is a little stroke
of fortune, ain't it?

(VOICES DOWNSTAIRS)

Bugger it! How does it work?

MRS HOLLINGBERY: If I waited for him
to move it, it'd be there for ever!

- Here we are.
- Oh, yes. Yes, it's a nice piece.

Yes, if my Harry can move it,
I'll have it.

- 'Ere, what's in it?
- Nothing. I cleared it out.

Is it locked? It won't open.

- That lock's not very good.
- Oh.

Oh! Ooh-er!

- Ooh!
- I broke the key now!

Never mind. My Harry, he'll fix it.
Oh, yes, that is nice.

Mrs Hollingbery, I don't know
how you put up with that man downstairs.

(LAUGHS) Well, he's got his good points,
Is'pose.

What good points?

- I dunno. I got used to him, I s'pose.
- Yeah.

(LOUD FART)

Um, living round here,
you have to get used to lots of things.

- He's no worse than a lot of others.
- No, no...

I can't never understand
why you agreed to marry him.

- Well...
- You could do better than him.

I feel guilty about that.

- Leaving him at the altar?
-Mm.

I did laugh. Serves him right, I thought.

So why did you agree to marry him?

Well, I thought,
he's got money tucked away.

And he's old,
so he won't have much longer to go,

so it won't be too unbearable.

If the Lord is good, it might only be
for a few months, so I said I'd marry him.

- I probably still would.
- Would you?

- (CLEARS THROAT) Shall we go downstairs?
- Yes.

Cow! The lying, cheating,
crafty, bloody cow!

She's not having any of this!
Serves her bloody right!

(RATTLING)

Blimey, how am I gonna get out?
Don't panic! Don't panic!

Oh! Oh, dear! I'm entombed!
I'll suffocate!

Ooh! Ooh!

(THUMPS DOOR)

Don't move about. That's it.

Mustn't breathe deeply.
Ration my breathing.

Breathe short breaths.

I've got to make the air last.

Don't pant. You mustn't pant!
Oh, Gawd! I'm breathing too fast!

(HE FARTS)

Will that give me more air?
Not much.

If I could keep farting,
will that keep me alive?

I can't! Bloody hell, I'm gonna die
in here, in this bloody wardrobe!

I'm gonna suffocate.

All this money...and she'll get it.

No, she bloody won't!
I'm not gonna die!

Oh, thank God! Fresh air!

- Who's that? Is someone up there?
- It's all right! It's only me!

- What are you doing up there?
- I'm shifting your wardrobe.

Don't come up! I can manage.

-Eh?
- It's all right!

- I'll help you.
- No, no, no!

(SPLINTERING)

What have you done?
Have you damaged that wardrobe?

I can't budge it!

Oh, trust you!
I should have waited for Mr Carey.

- Look, get an axe!
- No!

Well, blimey, I can't move it otherwise.

- Leave it!
- I can't! I'm stuck 'ere!

Well, you'll have to stay stuck there
till I can get a real man to move it.

I'm not giving you an axe
so you can break my wardrobe.

Well, pass me my pipe
and baccy through, then.

No! That's my bedroom! I don't want you
smoking in there, stinking the place out!

You!

There's no room, anyway.

There's no room
to pass anything through there.

Gordon Bennett!

- (KNOCKING)
- Mr Garnett?

- What?
- I've made a cup of tea.

Oh, thank you very much(!)

- How am I supposed to drink it?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah(!)

- What shall I do with it?
- Do you want me to tell you?!

Oh... I'm doing my best!

Look, go downstairs, get an axe
and smash this bloody wardrobe,

or get Michael
or someone else to smash it.

I don't want it smashed up.

Mr Carey said he'd give me £10 for it.

- I'll give you £10 to smash it!
- Where have you got £10?

I've got...

Was there anything in that wardrobe?

- No, it's empty. Why?
- Nothing.

(QUIETLY) It's as I thought.
I'll just have to stick it out, won't I?

I'll play this lot close to me chest.

# I'm the man who broke the bank
at Monte Car... #

Ooh, Gawd!

- Mrs Hollingbery?
- Oh, what now?

What about my dinner?

- How do you know I've cooked any?
- I can smell it!

It's just a bit of minced-beef pie
and potatoes.

- That's all right.
- Yeah, it was very nice.

Look...stop mucking about, will you?
I'm hungry!

I'm not mucking about.
You're the one got the wardrobe stuck.

- How am I gonna get it to you?
- Ohh, Gawd!

(LAUGHS)

- It's not funny!
- Oh, you are such a baby!

I've thought of an idea
how to get your dinner.

- What?
- Well, say thank you, then.

(MUTTERS) I won't say thank you
to that cow!

I didn't hear that.

(SHOUTS) Thank you!

With a smile.

(SHOUTS) I am smiling!

That's it. Now clear out the way!

Get off!

Bloody pigeons! Get off out of it!

Clear off!

(WINGS FLAPPING)

You swine!

When I get down,
I'll shoot the Lot of you!

Oh, come on!

Right. ...Oh!

He wants to go to the toilet
and he's stuck in my bedroom.

He can't get to it.

Why not put it in the papers,
then everybody'll know(?)

Oh, shut up and pull it!

Ooh.

Oh.

- (THUD)
- Ow!

- I'm going up the park.
- Well, what about me?

Well, I've left the telly on for you.

Don't talk bloody silly. I'm stuck
up here. What good's that for me?

Well, you can hear it, can't you? You've
got the snooker coming on in a minute.

The bloody stupid...

bloody...

Sorry.

Mr Garnett, can you hear me?

(BANGING)

Mr Garnett?

What?!

Look, Mr Garnett,
what we're going to do is,

we're going to get you
to climb out onto the windowsill

and jump into a blanket.

Why don't you get a ladder?

I was thinking of your hip.

It would take an agile man
to climb from that windowsill onto ladder.

What if the blanket gives way?

It won't give way.
It'll be resting on the ground.

You thick Mick! Go downstairs and get
an axe and chop this bloody wardrobe up!

- No! Mr Carey promised me £10 for it.
- In one piece. Undamaged.

- I told you. I'll buy it off you for £10.
- But you've got no money!

- Look, Mrs Hollingbery...
- What?

Go downstairs.
In my room, in my cupboard,

under the lino, second floorboard.

- Oh!
- Shut up! Shh!

That's where you keep your money now,
is it? Ooh, he's such a miser!

It's a good buy. Nice piece of furniture.

Bloody thing!

Right!

(GLASS SMASHES)

There was £20 there!

You said 10.

It's worth £20.
I can make something out of that.

Well?

You cow!

You'll be sorry, my dear.

Here you are, Michael.

Have you got another axe?

35..40...45..50.

45.

- I only made it 45.
- 50.

45!

5..10..15..20...
25..30...

35..40...45..50.

Yeah, well, there's no harm
in being sure, is there?

It's your money, innit? (CHUCKLES) No skin
off her nose if she has to count it again.

Well?

I wish to open an account, my dear.

- Is this it?
- Hold on, there's more.

Just a minute.

Excuse me, missus,
can you give us a hand here?

I can't bend over.
Can you put your hand down inside there?

No, it's all right - I can't reach.

Oh, Gawd.

Come out!

Oh, dear.

Just a minute.

Hold on! Where are you going with that?
Bring that back 'ere.

I'm just going to get the manager.

Leave the money here where I can see it,

or give us a receipt for it.
That's marvellous, innit?

I don't want you to vamoose off
with all that lot.

I mean, no of fence,

I don't want to cast no aspersions,

but she's round the back with that,
out of sight of everybody,

ba-boom! Half of that
could finish up in her handbag.

- I'd like you to know, sir...
- What is the problem?

I was just coming to see you, sir.
This money's very old.

Well, whose fault's that?
It was old when you dished it out!

- Your money is out of date, sir.
- What do you mean?

It was withdrawn from circulation
years ago.

Don't you come that with me, mate!

That is currency of the realm.
That's got her picture on it, look!

The money was called in
by the Bank of England.

It was changed. New notes were issued.

- When?
- Some time ago.

I wasn't told.
Nobody wrote and told me.

We told all our customers.

I'm not a customer.
I was thinking of becoming one,

but if that's your attitude...

- It was in all the papers.
- What about them who can't read?

Here, look -
"I promise to pay the bearer..."

- I thought you said you couldn't read.
- I can read money.

Ah, yes.

Well, don't be alarmed.
We can take the money...

it's quite all right,
if you'd care to come into my office.

Oh, yeah.

Er, this is a lot of money.
You're quite wealthy, Mr...?

- Garnett.
- Yes...

- And you would like to bank with us?
- That's right.

- Do you smoke?
- Oh, yeah.

- Would you care for a cigar?
- Oh, thanks very much. Ta.

I'll take one for later, if you like.

(SPITS)

Yes, well, we'll get the money counted.

In here, where I can watch it.
...No of fence.

- Oh, no. Of course. A glass of sherry?
-Ta.

I don't want none of that invested
in Third World countries,

thank you very much.
I don't want you going bust with my money.

- Oh, I can assure you...
- Look, you owe millions already.

- Billions!
- Well...

Just don't lend any of mine to people
who can't pay it back, that's all.

Anyway, I shall be here
to count it regular. Don't worry.

I mean, you see, in the old days,

a handful of coloured beads
and a few bits of broken glass

was enough for your Third World natives.
I'll give you a little tip.

Want to get your money back?

Send a couple of brigades of Guards
out there, fix bayonets,

and tell them, "We've come for our money!"

I think you'll find we are quite cautious
with our investments.

That's another thing. I don't want your
shareholders making money out of me.

Well, you could become a shareholder
yourself, if you wanted.

- Yeah?
- Well, yes.

With the money you have,
you could invest in the bank.

Would I be able to sack people?

Well, as a shareholder,
you could attend shareholders' meetings.

No, what I mean is, if I come in here
and I wasn't treated with servility...

Ci-vility.

No, I mean ser-vility!

A bit of bowing and scraping.

Yes sir, no sir, three bags full, sir!
That kind of ser-vility.

I'd like some of that, mate!

I think, with all that money over there,
I would be entitled to some of that.

So, all this money is...
um, savings, then?

There's no law against that, is there?

Oh, no, no. But you must have had a very
good job to manage to save all this.

Well, it was regular.
I done a lot of overtime, you know.

But this is an incredible and amazing
amount of money

to have saved from a regular wage,
even with lots of overtime.

What did you work as?

Look, that's my business, innit?

I've come in 'ere to open an account

and put my money in your bank, not to be
cross-examined about where I got it from.

I mean, blimey! I got that money honest -

which is more, I'll wager,
than most of your customers can say.

I mean, blimey, I'm putting money
info your bank, not taking it out!

I'm the one who should be doing the
cross-examining and asking for references.

I'm the one taking the risks, ain't I?

I'm the one leaving my money
with strangers.

I don't mean to cross-examine you,
but this is a great deal of money,

and of a denomination that has been
out of circulation for some years now,

and you come here, out of the blue,
with all this money,

which, don't worry, we will accept
and arrange to have changed for you.

But I'm sorry, some questions will
have to be asked. You have to expect that.

You have to expect questions
will be asked.

What sort of questions?

Well, the obvious - where you worked,
what kind of job you did,

how much you earned.

You're going back a long way. I can't be
expected to remember every penny.

This is hundreds of thousands of pounds
we're talking about.

- It's mounted up, ain't it?
- Quite.

Hundreds of thousands?

Over two. We'll have a figure soon.

Um...who's going to be asking
these questions?

Oh, the authorities.

They are going to be very interested,
intrigued I would say,

to know exactly how you managed to save
such a great deal of money.

Well, I've been careful.

And why you've kept it out of circulation
for so long.

- I don't trust the banks, mate.
- That won't cut much ice.

Why not? A lot of them are very dodgy!

Well, not as dodgy as you're going to look
if you haven't got the right answers.

Um...

- What if I found it?
- Did you? What, before it was lost?

On my mother's life,
that money is honest!

- Is your mother still alive?
- Don't be daft!

Now, where was the money kept?
In a tin box? What are you - a trader?

You've been doing cash deals.

No. No, no, you'd be much too fly.
You'd have kept it up-to-date.

You would have recycled it.

Treasure-trove? I mean,
that's legal, innit? Finders keepers.

No, I don't think
you'd get very far with that.

They'd want to know where
you found it. Under what circumstances.

- Where did you find it?
- I didn't say I found it.

Oh, yes, you...

No, excuse me!
I said, "What if I said I found it?"

- But if that's no go...
- It certainly isn't.

Hmm... Well...

...it's savings, then.

- And you're sticking to that?
- It's their word against mine, innit?

Oh, no, no.
They'll delve into your records.

They'll trace every penny
you've ever earned since you were a child,

how much it cost you to live,

and by that, they'll work out
how you managed to save all this.

It's gonna take them
a bloody long time, innit?

- They won't mind.
- Neither will I.

But until they prove otherwise, mate,
that money's mine, innit?

I know, you mean, maybe it's not
all earnings. Maybe it's winnings.

- Winnings?
- You know, dogs, horses, football pools.

Yeah...

I might have won the pools and had up
more winners than I can rem...

remember...

- Yeah...that's what's happened.
- What?

I've had a big win on the football pools,
see, and I've forgotten it!

That's it! That's it!

I probably put it under the bed
and it slipped me mind.

It's me old-timers' disease!
That's what's happened!

It's old age, innit? The mind goes.
That's it - I won the money,

stuck it under the bed
and forgot to put it in the bank!

I mean, let 'em ask their questions!

At my age, I can't be expected
to remember every little detail.

Questions! What's the use of asking
questions if you don't know the answers?

What I do know, mate, is,
that money is mine,

but where it's come from,
well, I don't know.

I mean, if I'm ill, with old-timers',
well, me mind's gone, innit?

It's not my fault I'm ill, is it, eh?

You can't lock me up for being ill,
can you? (CHUCKLES)

You'd better give me a chequebook
before I leave 'ere

so I know where I put the money this time.

I don't want to lose it all again, eh?
(CHUCKLES)

You see, my trouble, mate, is,

I've got all these aliases,
non de plum-ees, you know?

If I'm gonna have a bet,
or do the pools,

I don't use me own name.
I've got all these aliases,

like Lucky Jim, Happy Harry,
Barmy Bill...and Morrie Good Luck Boy,

and if I've got any winnings to come,
they send it on to a forwarding address.

It's all legal and above board.

It's like what your millionaires do
with their Liechtenstein,

their offshore islands, an' that.

Where they stick the stuff
they don't want people to know about.

I got my aliases, ain't I?

(CHUCKLES)

Good health!

I'll have a pint of best bitter, my dear,
and a large whisky, if you please.

Steady on, Mr Garnett, you owe £4 already.

Hmm...

Clear my account with that,
would you, my dear?

(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #

(# Bridal March)

#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #