In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 2 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript

# Now, my old darling
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm miss in ' her
with all me hear!

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# And I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

- # For richer, or poorer...
- I'm poorer, that's a fact!

# just cos in sickness and in health
I said, "I do."

# In sickness and in health
I said "I do." #

(DOOR CLOSES)

I'll be off now. Don't want to be late
my first morning in me new job.



Bye.

Are you still sulking?

How do you spell "will"?

“Wheel" - like on a bike?

No, "will" - like in "last will
and testament"! You're a dunce!

You're not much of a scholar yourself
if you can't spell "will".

Just wanna be sure. This is a legal
document. Don't want no slip-ups.

Well, I've got to go.

There's a bit of cheese out there
you can have for your lunch

if you can bring yourself
to cut a sandwich.

Don't bother. It don't matter.

I won't be needing lunch,
not where I'm going.

It's out there if you want it.
I don't suppose I shall be back till late.

So if you go out before I come home,
leave the hall light on.



I don't want to come home to a dark house.

Turn it on now, as you go out.

What's wrong with you?
You can turn it on later!

I won't be here later!

I've made my decision. I don't want anyone
interfering, trying to stop me.

I know you won't be here later,

that's why I'm asking you,
turn it on before you go!

Don't worry about the lights,
I'll turn 'em all on!

You are a strange man.
What's the matter with you?

Just the hall light will do!

You're annoyed, aren't you,
because I've taken this job?

Annoyed, me? Just cos you took a job?
Why would you imagine I would be annoyed?

If you'd rather cook and clean
for strangers, people who don't know you,

don't care nothing for you,

if you've got no feeling for those
that mean most, that are closest,

I've got no claim,
I know that, I mean nothing.

I'm only the person who thought

that something a bit more than friendship
might be growing, but...

I expected too much, I suppose.
But I can't speak. I say what I feel.

A man with only one good hip,
I mustn't speak my feelings.

You are stupid!

I've been offered good money to cook
and clean for that couple down the street.

Why can't they cook and clean for
themselves? Nothing wrong with them.

They're young and fit and healthy!

Because they have to go out to work
all day.

They can afford to have someone come in
and do for them. I can do with the money.

You could have earned money,
you could have gone to the Council

and said you wanted to earn money
looking after me.

I'm entitled.
I used to have a social worker.

No. It was your wife was entitled
to a social worker, God rest her soul.

Look, Winston...

- They took Winston away.
- Yes, because somebody grassed!

No, they discovered that your wife,
God rest her soul, had died

and you wasn't entitled
to a social worker, that's all it was.

How do they expect me to get around
with an artificial hip?

Same as anyone else who's got one.
You're lucky to have an artificial hip.

- Lucky?
- Yeah, there's queues waiting for 'em.

There's queues waiting for all sorts
of operations. I wouldn't call 'em lucky.

- You know what I mean.
- No, I don't know what you mean!

If you'd have wanted,
you could have gone to the Council

and said you wanted a job
as a social worker looking after me

and they might have paid you money.
I've already got the wheelchair.

That was given to your wife,
God rest her soul, not you.

She left it to me, God rest her soul.

It wasn't her wheelchair to leave,
God rest her soul.

That was the Council's wheelchair!

I suppose you're gonna tell 'em now,
you're gonna grass on me, are you?

- It's none of my business.
- I'm glad you admit that.

If you want to be the receiver
of stolen goods,

well, that's on your conscience, not mine.

You hypocrite!

Who takes that bleedin® wheelchair
up the shops

and brings her shopping back in it?

And who rides in it, eh, who rides in it
when I'm daft enough to push it

just cos you make out
that your corns are playing you up

and you can't walk another step
cos your feet are killing you, eh, eh?

And...and threatens not to be able to cook
my dinner if I don't push you, eh?

And who used to go to football in it
till he was caught?

And now wants me to go down the Council

and tell 'em a pack of lies about him not
being fit enough to look after himself,

and I should be his social worker
and wait on him hand and foot,

if I was daft enough to do it.

And if they was daft enough to believe
a cock and bull story like that.

- Look...
- You don't think they'd employ

one old age pensioner to look after
another old age pensioner, do you?

And anyway, if they did, and they paid me,

which they'd have to,
cos I wouldn't do it for nothing,

it wouldn't be cash-money, would it?

That's what that young couple
down the street are paying me -

cash-in-hand, no questions asked,
as you're always saying.

- And you call me hypocrite?
- No, I didn't call you hypocrite,

you called me hypocrite.

I don't know how you have
the bare-faced effrontery

to set foot in that church of yours,
of a Sunday, I do not know.

I only hope you don't put
none of that cash-money in the plate

when it comes round, involving the Lord
in your illegal transactions.

I'm sure the good Lord would see
no great harm in a poor old age pensioner

managing to keep
a few hard-earned shillings

out of the grasping hands of Mrs Thatcher
and her Protestant government.

Anyway, He could always pay the tax on it,
if He wanted to.

Anyway, I'm late and I don't want to be.

Bread and cheese is out there,
if you want it.

Don't worry about me, my dear.

I've got my own solution here.

Have you got enough aspirins there?

Enough for what I need.

What you got? Headache? Hangover?

Hangover?! Where would I find
enough money to afford a hangover?

You don't understand, woman, do you?

What I've got is in 'ere! I ache in here!

It's indigestion.

You eat too fast, I'm always telling you.

I leave...

all my worldly goods...

...to...

Anything here you want?

I want?!

This stuff! My worldly goods
when I'm gone. Anything you want?

Nothing.

No, there's nothing here I want.

If you expect me to marry you
and move down here with you,

I shall want to chuck
most of this stuff out.

My stuff's much better than this!

You're not selling my furniture.

Sell it? You don't imagine
anyone would buy this, do you?

It's so shabby. I've tried cleaning it,
but the dirt seems to be ground into it.

I think we'll have to pay someone
to take it.

The dustman might, if we give him a drink.

That's got memories attached to it,
that furniture has.

It's got more than memories attached
to it. It's probably running alive!

Oh, look, look! Dust of ages!

Don't look at me! You're supposed
to be the woman in the house.

Not in this part of the house...yet.

And look at this table -
it's not fit to eat off.

Not fit for anything.
Firewood, that's all it's fit for.

There's nothing wrong with that table.
It's clean, there's no dust on that.

You could eat your dinner off that table
without a plate.

Looks like somebody has! Let's get rid
of all of it and bring my stuff down here.

I want my own furniture!

But my stuff's much better.
It's more comfortable, it's cleaner...

And it's your husband's!

What's that got to do with it? He's gone.

Yes, and so will I be soon,

but until I am, I'm not sitting in
his chair, and I'm not laying in his bed!

No, and I'm not laying in your bed!

Nobody's asking you to!

No. And I'm not cleaning your furniture
and tidying up down here for you.

- You can sit in your dust!
- That's not my dust.

There's no dust on me.

Look, there's no dust on me!

Well, if it's not your dust,
whose dust is it, then?

- Come on.
- Oh, my God!

- Where are we going?
- If you want dust, I'll show you dust.

- I've cleaned up there.
- I'll find dust for you.

Let go! Let go, you fool.

Listen, if you want to find dust,
you don't have to search.

- There's plenty of it here.
- All right, I'll dust the sideboard.

- Oh, I'll put the flags out.
- See?

Dusted. Now I'll dust the lampshade.

- See?
- If you're gonna dust, use a cloth!

- Dusted.
- If you say so.

Nothing to do with if "I say so".

In half an hour, that dust'll be
back on it again, but not my dust.

- Not off of me.
- Oh, my God!

- What's...?
- There you are. More dust.

Is that my dust? I ain't been in this room
since Pele left.

That's Pele's dust.

No, you can't blame Pele.
He took his dust with him.

I made him clean this room thorough
before he left it.

Besides, Pele's been gone
for months, see, and look...

Here you are.

Not Pele...because that dust
is the same colour as our dust.

- What?
- Look, here you are.

More dust. I ain't been in that today.

You ain't been in for months!

- Thick dust!
- I'm not surprised.

Clean that dust out of there and it'd be
back in half an hour thicker than ever.

Course it will, if you don't use it.

No, it don't matter.

All your cleaning and dusting,
it don't matter.

All your rubbing and scrubbing,
it don't matter.

The dust, it hovers in the air.

You turn your back and boo-boom
it's back again, thicker than ever!

Well, I'm always polishing and cleaning.

My poor Else, God rest her, she was always
polishing and cleaning,

almost wore her arms out
rubbing and scrubbing. What for? Eh?

The dust is still there.
More, if anything.

You have to do it regular.

No, you spend your life doing it regular
and you never get rid of it.

And do you know for why?

Because it's us.
That's what the dust is, us.

Well, where does it come from?

I don't know.

It seems to me that every house is built
with a certain amount of dust in it.

And no matter how much
you rub and scrub,

you'll never get rid of it.
It's in the air we breathe.

And if it's not in your lungs,
it's on the furniture,

and the only way to control it...

...is to damp it down.

Sprinkle water on it.

I wouldn't sprinkle water on this sofa,
it could turn to mud!

You'd be slipping off it.

Don't raise the dust by banging
on the furniture. Let it lay!

Let it lay or it chokes you. Leave it be!

Look at this room.
Look what you've done now.

You've filled it full of bloody dust.
It'll be hours before that settles again.

I'm going to work.

Oh, yes, that's it - leave me with a room
full of dust. Leave me to choke to death!

Oh, yes, you'll do things for others,
won't you?

Yes, you'll cook and clean for them,

yes, but me, I don't matter, do I?
Well, you'll be sorry!

I told you...
I don't want you going out to work!

- Yes, well, never mind.
- I forbid it!

- Well, it don't matter.
- Do you hear me?

I should think the whole street
can hear you.

Don't forget - put the hall light on
if you go out later.

Turn it on yourself!

It's only me!

I forgot me handbag.

Cow.

I could have been dying.
She'd have left me to die.

I can't see why you're so put out, Alf.

I mean, with Mrs Hollingbery working,

there must be more money
coming into the house.

If there is, Arth,
I'm not seeing any of it.

There must be a bit more for groceries.

Maybe, but she don't say, "Here's
a bit more for a drink or tobacco."

Not that I'd take it, Arthur.
I've got me pride, you know.

Listen, I'm not getting hot lunches now,
nothing like that.

If I'm not up early enough in the morning
before she leaves the house,

I don't even get a cooked breakfast.

I mean, she's hardly going the right way
about getting me to marry her, is she?

- I thought you two were getting on well.
- Could do, Arthur, could do.

If only she'd show a bit more
thought and consideration.

I am the man in the house.
I keep telling her that.

I'm the one who wears the trousers.

But she seems to take me for granted,
seems to think I'll always be there.

Well...she might have
a bit of a shock coming to her.

She might come home some day
and find something

a bit more than she's bargained for.

I'll tell you something, Arthur.

The more I see of life...
and the way people treat you,

the alternative starts to look
a lot better, I don't mind telling you.

What, dying?
Heaven and all that, you mean?

Or Hell. Couldn't be much worse
living there than it is here.

At least you wouldn't have any fuel bills
to worry about.

You wouldn't have to worry about
hypothermia, either.

Be warm enough down there.

Bloody sight warmer than trying to live
in my house on one bar of electric.

And better looked after too, probably.

The devil might be an evil old bastard,

but I bet he looks after his own.

Which is more than can be said for

some supposed loved ones
we have to put up with.

Cor blimey, I've got no worries about,
you know, where I'm going.

Although I say it me self,
I think I've done enough down here

to guarantee a decent place
up there with the Lord.

If Heaven's half as good
as they say it is -

and according to your churches,

it's gonna be the longest
and best holiday you've ever had -

why are you so unhappy about
going up there, Mr Garnett?

I'm not unhappy. I want to go up there.

But in your own time.
You're in no hurry, are you?

Not just you. Everybody's the same.

The slightest illness, the slightest risk
you might pop your clogs,

you rush to the doctor's.
"Cure me, cure me! I don't want to die."

Government spending millions
on the National Health Service

trying to keep everyone alive
so they can stay here for ever.

You know what, if I was God, I'd say,

"Oh, right. You don't want
to come up here to my Heaven?

"This wonderful paradise
I've built for you.

"You're not keen,
you prefer it where you are.

"Well, sod you, then, you can go to Hell!"

Yeah, well, we all like to hang on
down 'ere till the last minute.

That's to spare the loved ones
the sorrow of your departure.

We'll meet them all again up there.

- What, everyone who's ever died?
- Well, they'll all be up there.

Be a bit crowded, won't it?

- It's a big place, heaven.
- Bigger than England?

Much bigger, yeah.

- Can you imagine space?
- Yeah.

No, I mean the whole infinity of space.

Yeah.

What's that mean, “infinity"?

Well, think of the biggest thing
that you can think of.

Infinity is a billion-billion times
bigger than that...

- only bigger.
- Yeah.

Where are you starting from?

- Anywhere.
- And Heaven's bigger than that?

Yeah.

Well, it mightn't be so crowded
up there then.

No. Except on a Saturday
when everyone's going shopping.

Football hooligans on the way
to your West Ham,

scratching my car
with their front door keys.

£50 that cost me to get the marks out!

Yeah, well, I mean...

What about the Queen?

When He takes her, God forbid, I mean,

when she dies, where's she gonna live?

She wouldn't want to live
next door to the likes of

Ken Livingstone or Arthur Scargill.

Or you.

Of course, it wouldn't be Heaven
with them up there, would it?

But I mean, where is she gonna be?

Will she have her own palace up there
or will she have to live with God?

You mean a grace-and-favour house?

Well, it won't be a two-up, two-down,
outside toilet, will it?

You don't really believe
all this fairy-story stuff, do you,

about Heaven and Hell?

- Everybody believes in it.
-I don't.

Don't matter what you believe in.

The Archbishop of Canterbury believes
in it. He goes to church, doesn't he?

It's his job!

Look, Her Majesty the Queen
believes in it.

And... And Mrs Thatcher,
she believes in it.

Even Neil Kinnock, he believes in it.

- He's atheist.
- He goes to church.

That's PR, it's PR.
He just pays it lip service.

You don't think he's going to come
right out with it and say he's an atheist

in a Christian country and still expect
to be Prime Minister, do you?

He's not daft. He wants his votes.

I expect he's willing to say he's anything
to get those.

He'd even say he was a socialist.

Don't matter about Neil Kinnock.
He don't count.

I mean he's Church of Wales, ain't he?

I mean, look, Harold Wilson
always goes to church.

He sits right at the front
where everyone can see him.

You think he's going to Heaven?

Well, he might.
Have to change his tune a bit, first.

God'll probably say,
"All right, "Arold, you can come in,

"but we don't want none of your
bloody socialism up here, mate.

"This ain't a democracy.
We don't have no elections up here.

"We had enough of that
with bloody Lucifer,

“with his secret ballots
and his Militant Tendency.

"I told him, 'Look," I said,
'up here, mate,

"'everyone is equal...under me .
I'm in charge.

"'So you can forget about your glasnost
and your perish-astroika,

otherwise you'll find yourself
relegated, my son."™

It's probably just the journey up there to
Heaven, Arthur, that worries most of us.

Journey?

There's bound to be a lot of travelling.

I mean, from all that you can gather,
it's not just round the corner, is it?

I mean... See...

It's not just the dying, Arthur.
It's how do you get up there?

- What do you go in?
- A box.

It's not the best way to travel, is it?

That's nothing.
That's only the first stage, ain't it?

Yeah, but I mean, what if
you've got claustrophobia or something?

It don't matter, do it?
I mean...you've gone.

But 'ave you?

They wouldn't bury you
if you hadn't, would they?

No, but you could be in a trance
or something.

Look, the doctors
and the undertakers, they all know.

Yes, but do they, Arthur?

I mean,
they know that you're not yourself,

they know that something's gone wrong,
but none of them's ever been dead.

They got no experience of
how you're supposed to get up there

or what the Lord expects.

You could be wandering about in Limbo
for all eternity

because some fool down here
has sodded it up for you!

I mean, the Lord could be calling to you
and you can't get out and go to Him

because they've screwed you down
in a bloody box.

Don't worry! You'll be all right.

ARTHUR: They can't leave you
lying on your bed

or sitting up in a chair for ever,
can they?

ALF: Might be a bit safer if they did.

They're inclined to get you down a bit too
quick these days, if you ask me, Arthur.

ARTHUR: You'd be the first one to complain

if they had dead bodies
lying all over the place.

Don't worry. If we was doing it wrong,
we would have been notified.

How?!

You believe you're going up there,
don't you?

Yeah.

And you believe that
He can get you up there?

Yeah.

Well, if He can get people up there,
He can get them down again.

What, with a message, like?

Saying you haven't been packed right?

Wish we knew more about it, though.

About what?

About that. About the travelling,
how you're expected to get up there

and what do you take with you
for the journey, like?

How long is it? Do you have to
stop over anywhere? What clothes?

And some means of identification,
let people know who you are.

Like a passport, something like that,
let 'em know you're English.

And visas! Things like that.

I mean, a lot of people,
they don't travel well, Arthur.

For instance, a lot of people
are very nervous about flying.

There you are, I mean, it's a worry,
isn't it? I mean, what vehicle?

See, it's... It's the unknown, Arthur.

I'd be off tomorrow if I thought,
you know...

If you could go by train.

But I can't! That's my point,
you can't go by train.

You can't go by British Rail,
that's for sure,

you would be all eternity
if you went by British Rail.

Nor boat, nor car.

Otherwise you could stay in
the funeral car, go all the way in that.

They wouldn't have to drop you off into...

- A hole in the ground.
- Yeah.

But you see, there's nothing
in the Scriptures, Arthur.

There's no indication of how
you're expected to get up there.

Yes, there is. An angel! An angel of
the Lord will come down and carry you up.

Angel of the Lord. I wouldn't fancy
flying on the back of one of them

down to Bournemouth,
let alone all through space.

It'll probably be different then.

It'll probably be like a caterpillar
when it turns into a butterfly.

It leaves its old skin behind and...

Off it goes.

- Fly there yourself?
- Yeah!

No, I can't see that, Arthur.

I can't be expected to start flying,
not at my age.

You've got all eternity to learn.

Besides, you'll be a different thing.

No, I don't think I fancy that.

I mean, I'm used to what I am now.

I don't want to be another thing,
a bloody butterfly or something.

No, no!

You go as yourself,
that's obvious, ain't it,

otherwise nobody would recognise you,
nobody would know who you was.

Anyway, if you was a butterfly,
somebody'd come along and...wallop!

That's it. That's all your years
in eternity up the spout, ain't it?

- We could go together.
- What?

Suicide pact. I mean, we've always got on.

What have we got down here
that's so special that's worth living for?

Well...I've got this new hip, ain't I?

And I've got a bit in the Post Office.

I'd be daft to leave that behind.
Wouldn't want to do that, would I?

Besides, it's a sin.

What?

To take your own life.
It's a crime, even.

Yeah, but they can't do nothing.

They can if they catch you.
They'll put you in prison!

If they catch you. How can they catch us?
We'll be gone!

Yeah, but I mean, if you fail
or something, like attempted suicide,

I mean, blimey,
they put you inside for that.

I don't want to do time, not at my age!

If all you're worried about
is getting caught, you go first.

Eh?

Look, I do it to you,
make sure you're good and gone.

When you're safely on your way,
I do it to myself.

That's murder!

Well, I suppose it's a technicality,
really.

I mean, neither of us
will be there to argue it with them.

Don't think I fancy that. I mean,
you might change your mind -

I've got no guarantee, have I?

All right, then, I'll go first.
You do it to me.

Oh, yeah, and I'm the one
who gets strung up!

They don't do that now.

With my bloody rotten luck,

they'd bring a Bill in through Parliament
when I'm coming up for trial.

No, thank you very much.

Look, we'll go together.

Hand in hand, off one of the bridges,
into the river.

I can't swim.

- Well?
- I don't fancy drowning.

You've got a gas stove.

You can't get two heads in that!

Besides, I notice it's my gas bill
you want to use.

Heaven, Alf! Perfect Utopia, paradise.

God awaiting with open arms,

your host for all eternity.

Patience, Arthur, patience.
He'll call us when He's ready.

Don't want to go pushing up front,
you know?

Wait your turn. There's others who might
need to be up there more than us.

It's different for you. You're
more upset about things than I am.

You're more miserable than I am,
for a start-off.

You've got that awful wife of yours.

I don't think He would look at that
as a sin,

not if you took your own life,
not with a wife like that.

They say this stuff can kill you...

if you drink enough of it.

Blimey, look at the time.
Where's she got to?

She can't still be working,
not at this hour.

Serve her bloody well right
if I did do away with myself.

(KEYS JINGLE)

MRS HOLLINGBERY:
He's gone out and left the light off!

I told him, “Leave the light on
in the hall," I said.

It's like talking to a child!

Oh! Oh, I thought you'd gone out.

Wake up!

I've brought you some dinner home
and it's still hot.

0o-ooh! Look. Lamb chops.

New potatoes.

Oh, they live well up there.

“Take some home
for you and Mr Garnett," they said.

I've got spotted dick with custard too.

Oh, come on!
Wake up, or it'll get cold.

Oh! Oh, it's lovely.

Here, they gave me some cans of beer
for you, too.

(OPENS CAN)

Oh, it's lovely.

Best end, these chops are.

Oh, 'ere...

I bought these for you.

In case you didn't have enough.

# Now, my old darling
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm miss in ' her
with all me hear!

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# And I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

# For richer, or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact!

# Just cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do"

# In sickness and in health
I said "I do." #