In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode #5.1 - full transcript

(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darling
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# But I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

- # For richer or poorer... #
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact!

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do”

# In sickness and in health
I said "I do.” #

Bloody hell!



(ALF SHOUTS) Half hour we've been sat here
in this bloody dark!

MRS HOLLINGBERY:
Did you put any money in the meter?

Oh, don't talk daft!
They wouldn't have a power failure

because I didn't put money in the meter.
Everywhere's blacked out, innit?

Well, you'll be saving electric tonight,
at least.

I don't want to save electric, my dear,
I want to watch television.

Oh, yes, of course.
That'lL be off too, yeah.

I was wondering
why we hadn't got the telly on.

Well, read your paper, then.

(TUTS)

Hm, I suppose the phone's off too, is it?

Why? You don't wanna phone anyone, do you?

We might do. That's what it's for -
emergencies. And this is an emergency.

Well, who are you gonna phone? The
electric?! Tell them we've got no light?



They know we've got no light.
Everyone knows we've got no lights.

Look outside!
The whole street's pitch dark.

- We might need to phone an ambulance.
- Why? No-one's ill.

Well, someone could have an accident,
stumbling about in the dark like this.

Sit still, then!

Or the fire brigade...

Look, I know "ask a silly question
you get a silly answer",

but why do you think
we might need the fire brigade, my dear?

Well, someone could knock a candle over
and set fire to the house, couldn't they?

But we're not burning any candles,
are we?!

Cos you can't find the bleeding candles,
can you?

Well, it don't need to be us. Someone
down the road could knock a candle over.

Well, if they do, they can use
their own phone, can't they, my dear?

Yeah, well, how can they
if the phone's not working?!

- The phones are working.
- What? With a power failure?

(MIMICS WOMAN) Yes, with a power failure!

- How? I mean, that's electric too.
- Don't talk daft.

Well, it's not gas.

- Well, it's not electric, neither.
- Well, what is it, then?

It It

Oh, you're thick, you are!
Didn't you ever go to school?

People didn't have phones
when I went to school.

- Some people did, my dear.
- Oh, you did, I suppose?

- No, we had no-one to phone in them days.
- You've got no-one to phone these days.

And anyway, most of us didn't have
electric either in those days.

You speak for yourself, my dear.
We had electric when I was at school.

- Electric lights?!
- Yes.

And electric wireless.

Oh, you would.

I had electric torch when I was ten.

Pity you haven't got one now!

If you'd put the candles somewhere
where we could find them...

(SHOUTS) ...like I said,
we wouldn't meed a torch, would we?

I put the candles
somewhere I could find them.

I said, somewhere
where we could go straight to them!

Somewhere where we know
we can always find them.

I did that. I told you. I did that!

Well, why are we sitting
in the bloody dark, then?!

Cos I can't remember where I put them.

And you keeping on doesn't help me.

Argh! Cor blimey!

- You're standing on my foot!
- Well, move it.

I will when you get off it.
Gordon Bennett!

You're like a bloody great, clumsy,
galumphing elephant, you are.

Mind what you're doing.

Where is it?

(CLATTERING)

Oh, the phone ls working.

- Here you are - look.
- I told you it was.

Mmm...

(CLATTERING)

Well, if that's electric,
how is that working and nothing else?

I told you! It's not electric.

Well, how'll it work, then? I mean,
it must be something like electric.

All right, I'll grant you, it's something
like electric, but it's not electric.

It don't light up when you turn it on,
do it?

Oh, I've seen phones with lights on.

And besides, you don't turn phones on.

When you Lift the receiver,
my dear, it turns it on.

- Turns what on?
- The phone!

How?

(SHOUTS) Look, does it matter?
It's working! Isn't that enough for you?!

I'd rather it was the television
that was working!

You wouldn't if you was ill
and wanted ambulance.

But I'm not ill!

And I don't want an ambulance!

But I do want to watch
the bloody telly!

If the telly was on,
the lights would be on

and I could find those candles then.

Yes, my dear, you could.

But we wouldn't need
the bloody candles then, would we?!

Be better than sitting in the dark.

Aargh! Yaah!

Blaah...! Wah!

Pffppt!

When we had gas, we never had
none of these problems.

- We got gas.
- Gas lighting, I mean. Gas lights.

We never had no power failures
when we had gas lights.

Not like you get with electric.

Yeah, but you could sit for hours in
the dark till someone found the matches!

Another thing with the gas lights,
they was more economical.

- Yeah.
- Suited your working man better.

- How?
- Cos you could ration it, my dear.

You didn't have to have your lights
full on.

You could turn them half on, a quarter
on - whatever suited your pocket.

You didn't have to burn that much light
if you didn't want to.

With your electric,
you've got to burn all what they send you.

Oh, I wish they'd send us some now.

No, your gas was...
gas was much more economical.

But no, they have to come up with

all their high technology
what no-one can understand,

and plunge us all into darkness
for hours on end.

Another thing with your gas,
you could always tell if it was leaking.

So you didn't have to pay
for what you never had.

I mean, if it was leaking,
you could smell it.

Or...you could take a match to it

and - bang! - you knew.

With your electric,
you don't know if that's leaking.

I mean, why do you think I've got
all them plugs in all them holes, eh?

Why have you got all the plugs
in all the holes?

Because I don't want to pay
for leaky electric - that's why.

You can laugh, my dear,
but that bill of mine -

blimey, I ain't used half the electricity
they're charging me for.

I wrote to 'em.

I wrote and said my electricity's leaking.
But how can you prove it?

Well, put a match to one of the plugholes,
see if you get a warning flame.

I bet you we're paying
for this blackout now.

I mean, I reckon
that little wheel on the meter's

going round and round and round.

'Ere, watch what you're doing
with that pipe in the dark, then.

The pipe's the only thing
I can see in the dark, innit?

Bloody matches, come on!

- Phoo!
- What are you phooing about?

Don't start that!

(SHE COUGHS)

If you don't like it,

- go upstairs to your own place.
- It's dark.

See, another thing about your gas.

It was more natural.
Suited the world better.

Fitted in more
with what your Greens are saying now.

I mean, we never had all this talk
about destroying the atmosphere

or the rainforests,
not when we burnt gas.

Weather was better too.

Never had all these famines
all over the world,

people dropping dead of starvation.

Leastways,
there wasn't all that talk about it.

You wouldn't have your telly
if we only had gas still.

They'd have found a way.

What, a gas telly?

They'd just have to do
a little bit more thinking, that's all.

Hooray!

Bloody hell!
Come on, make up your mind!

Innit marvellous(!)

Simple little thing like electric,
they can't even get that right.

Probably some thick Mick shoved
his spade through the power line.

Oh, bloody hell! Gordon Bennett!

Oh! Ooh!

- Sit down.
- Oh, gawd!

For goodness sake, sit down.

I think it's exciting.
It reminds me of the Blitz.

What are you talking about, the Blitz?
They're not dropping bombs on us!

- I mean the blackout.
- During the war...

During the blackout, my dear,
we never had no blackout in the home.

It was only blacked out in the streets.

Blimey, during the war, we fought a long,
hard, drawn-out battle with the Germans

but we never had one single power cut,
not that I can remember.

And they was raining bombs on us, night
and day, but the lights never went out.

Oh, no. Not in the home,
nor in the factory. D'you know for why?

Because we had a higher calibre
of government then

and a higher calibre of worker too, and...

BOTH: ...no bloody unions!

Well, it's true!

Here we are.

Oh, no! What are they bloody well
playing at? Isn't it marvellous, eh?

Dear, oh...

I bet you we'll sit here
in this bloody dark all night long,

and the minute we go to bed,
the bloody lights will come on.

Oh! I've just remembered!

I know where I put those candles somewhere
safe, where I could go straight to 'em.

- Where?
- I wrote it down in my memory book.

You what?

I have my faults, I know,
but unlike you, I know them.

I mean, I know that
I'm a bit absent-minded,

but important things,
things I want to remember,

I write it down in my memory book.

And now...

you can't remember where you put it.

- Can you?
- No.

I'm going down the pub.

At least they'll have candles over there,
and someone sensible to bloody talk to.

(DOOR SLAMS)

- MR JOHNSON: Ain't you got any candles?
- Yes, but I can't find 'em.

I wouldn't mind, but I put 'em
somewhere safe where I could find 'em.

WOMAN: And he's forgotten
where he put 'em.

MR JOHNSON: Where's my whisky?
I had a whisky here.

- ARTHUR: Have you've drunk it.
- No, it was...

MRS HOLLINGBERY: Here,
I can't find my gin. Here! My gin's gone!

ARTHUR: Here, where's my beer?
Oh gawd, no beer!

MR JOHNSON: Have you got a ghost here,
guv'nor, one that drinks?

(CHEERING)

(SLURRING) As I was saying, Arthur,
about the poll tax...

Never mind the bloody poll tax.
Where's my beer's gone?

Well, I dunno.

What are you looking at me for?

- Same again, Arthur?
- That's very kind of you.

- Mrs Hollingbery?
- Gin and tonic, please. Thank you.

- What's that for?
- Well, if the lights go out again...

I dunno why you think...

Hey, just a minute. What about me?

You got more than your fair share
out of the last round, didn't you?

Stuff your drinks, I'll pay for me own.

Innit fair, eh?
You sit here, with friends,

and you get accused, just like that.

No-one's accusing.

Not much, you're not.
The bloody looks!

Anyone could've taken them drinks.
I mean, look around.

- Not the most honest-looking bunch.
- Ssh!

Probably one of yer blackies.
You can't see 'em in the dark, can you?

- He's all right. He likes a joke.
- Sorry.

There you are. You don't deserve it.

You can keep your bloody drink, if that's
your attitude. I've got my pride, mate.

D'you want it, or don't you?

- I wanted a whisky.
- Have you done your poll tax yet?

Poll tax? Pfff! Four hundred
and forty-nine pound!

Might as well be forty thousand
and forty-nine pounds!

Yeah, you won't pay it all, will you?
You'll get a rebate.

Yeah, if I'm prepared to go begging
and filling in forms.

I mean, blimey, I fought for this country.

I worked hard

and now I'm reduced to
a bloody means test, at my age.

Bloody woman. She's mad.

You voted for her.

- I never voted for her.
- Yes, you did.

Excuse me, I voted Tory. I wouldn't vote
for a woman Prime Minister.

Specially not the daughter
of a corner-shopkeeper.

What sort of background is that
for a Prime Minister of England, eh?

That's the highest position in the land,
that is, after Her Majesty the Queen.

ALI Mrs Thatcher is fitted for, by birth,
is her father's butter counter.

It's a disease of democracy, innit,

to allow working-class,
jumped-up trades people

to rule a country like England.

We'll be having a stallholder or a bloody
road-sweeper as Prime Minister next.

It's yer first seeds of communism.

I mean, she's already given our money
to Poland and Czechoslovakia.

And now she's offering asylum to millions
of Chinese wogs out in Hong Kong.

I mean, as if we ain't got enough
bloody foreigners in this country!

Asylum! She's the one ought to be
put in a bloody asylum.

Not millions, and they're Crown servants.

If they are, Mr Clever Dick...
if they are Crown servants,

they should feel honoured
that they're allowed to serve the Crown

and not demand rewards for it.

Sir Harold Macmillan, God rest his soul...

he said she was selling the family silver.
Well, that's not all she's selling.

I mean, she's already sold
the national industries -

industries that's supposed
to belong to us.

- And what are we getting out of it?
- Nothing.

Nothing! It's all she knows, is selling.

She's turned Downing Street
into a bloody shop.

And the other one. Lawson.
Old fat-guts Nigel.

When he was Chancellor of the Exchequer,
he put up interest rates, right,

then he resigned,
moved over to the banks to collect it.

That's the sort of government
you've got, mate.

I don't agree. I think
she's been a good Prime Minister.

Who for? Not for the Tory Party.

She's been a bloody sight better
Prime Minister for the Labour Party.

She's already done more for the Labour
Party than any Labour leader ever born.

How?

How? By turning millions of Tory voters
into Labour voters, that's how.

Beware the self-made man.
That's what they say, Alf.

- I noticed it in the army.
- Right.

If anybody got made up from the ranks
to officer class, he was a bastard.

Because they're not born to rule, Arthur.

- That's right.
- Bit of power goes to their heads.

What sort of stock is that, eh?
Corner shop?

- That's mongrel, innit?
- ARTHUR: Almost.

Almost. Corporal class, that is.

- Napoleon was a corporal.
- He became an emperor.

Until they found him out
and banished him off to Ellis Island.

Ellis Island's in America.

Oh. Trying to give me
a history lesson now, are we?

Hitler was a corporal.

So was Stalin. All of 'em lower class,
none of 'em born to rule.

I dunno. If you're talking about Stalin,
he might have been lower class,

he might have been corporal class,
but he was a bloody good general.

He helped us beat Hitler.

Nothing to do with Stalin.

- What...?
- No!

The general that helped us beat Hitler
was General Motors, see?

Because for every shell
that Hitler fired at us,

General Motors fired ten back at him.

- Was he English?
- Who?

General Motors.

- I thought Montgomery was our general.
- No...

All this has got nothing to do
with the poll tax.

Mrs Thatcher may have brought it in,

but it's the councils
that are spending all the money.

I mean £449,

to live in a dirty,
filthy borough like this?

What are they spending the money on?

Lesbian snooker halls
and poofter parlours!

I remember when Labour got in
in this borough,

when they was elected,
and the first thing they done

was to pawn the mayor's chain of office
and have a party on the proceeds,

hoping that the next mayor would be a Tory
and rich enough to redeem it for 'em.

- What did they spend the money on?
- I've told you.

Come on, Alf, they didn't spend
all the money on your gays.

Well, there is the fire brigade,
the police force,

- the public libraries, education...
- Education!

Blimey! They don't spend much on that,
not round here.

They're thick as two short planks
round here. And public libraries?

I've never been in a public library
in my life. Why should I pay for that?

- You was in one the other day.
- Only sheltering from the rain.

Mr Garnett doesn't read books.

No. I've got more to do with my time

than sit reading books and stuffing
my head full of bloody nonsense.

And the fire brigade? I've never called
the fire brigade out once in my life.

So why should I pay
for other people's fires?

Come on, Alf.

You can't turn them into
a private-enterprise fire brigade,

having people phoning up

getting quotations
when they've got their house on fire.

Can you imagine? "Oh, hello.
Tell me, how big is your fire?

"How many engines
do you think you will require?

"We are charging £40 for each room,
depending on the blaze.

"£10 extra if it's upstairs.”

- All I'm saying...
- I know. Look. You got a burglar.

You phone up. "I've got a burglar,
how much to get rid of a burglar?”

"How big is he?" they say.

"Is he armed?” they say.
"If he's got a gun, it'll cost you extra."

Look, I'm not arguing it, Arthur.
ALI I'm saying is,

if you don't use the facilities that much,
you should get a rebate.

Like a no-claims bonus?

Yeah. If you've got a big house,
full of valuables,

- you use the police force more.
- Yeah.

And you get burgled more often,

and you lose a lot more
if you have a fire.

Yeah. I mean, no burglar
would come into us.

You've only got to look through
the windows and nobody would burgle us.

It's our rates that build the bloody
prisons they keep trying to burn down.

We wouldn't need prisons
if it weren't for the bloody criminals.

They should be made to pay for 'em,
give 'em a bill when they leave.

Like hotels do?

Yeah, bloody good idea.

Be a very good deterrent, that would be.
Make 'em pay for any breakages.

They wouldn't be so keen to riot if
they had to pay for the damage they done.

Anyway, this council's not so bad.

At least you can sleep safe in your bed,

knowing that
if there was a war with Russia,

we won't have no nuclear bombs
dropped on us.

Eh?

Well, we're a nuclear-free zone.
It's on all the lampposts.

I don't know why you complain.

It's the likes of you
they're spending the money on.

It's the bloody Town Hall staff
they're spending the money on, mate.

Same as the National Health.

All that money should be spent
on the patients, not the staff.

It's only the poor bloody patients
they begrudge spending the money on.

You didn't do too bad out of it.
You got a new hip.

I paid in for that, mate. I paid in
more than that cost, don't you worry.

And besides, I wore me own hip out
serving this country.

I've never had a penny
out of the Health Service.

It was all pay in for me, all the time.
Pay in - that's all I've ever done,

- What about your chest?
- I got nothing for my chest.

That insurance, National Health,
have never paid me a penny for my chest.

And don't you think it could do
with a few pounds being spent on it?

I should know. I've got to live with it.

Can't they do
one of them transplants on it?

-Eh?
- Transplants.

Don't talk bloody daft!
They don't do chest transplants, do they?!

- They gave you a new hip.
- But hip's not the same as a chest.

I know it's not the same as a chest,

but if they could make you a new hip,
why can't they make him a new chest?

Hip is a bone, innit? Your chest ain't.

It's got bones in it.

Yeah, I know, but it's got
other things in it too.

- What?
- Well...

All sorts of bits and pieces in there.
Your hip is just the one bone.

Hearts ain't bone.

I know, but hearts ain't the same
as chests, are they, my dear?

- But heart is part of your chest.
- I know, but you can move a heart.

You can take a heart out of one person
and bung it into another person.

You can't do that with a chest.

- How d'you know?
- It's a well-known fact.

- So you say.
- Look...

- They do kidney transplants.
- I know.

- Liver transplants.
- I know.

They should give you one, might make you
a bit more agreeable in the mornings.

Funny...

No, you can't have chest transplants,
Mrs Hollingbery.

You stick your name down, Arthur,

cos with these modern medical miracles,
they might soon get round to it.

But why they want to start patching
and mending up people, I don't know.

Especially older people. It's like putting
a new engine in a clapped-out car.

They're all very well,
these modern medical miracles,

but you take a man like Arthur,
no of fence meant...

Oh, no.

Put a new chest in him, by all means,

but the rest of him doesn't warrant it.

It's like him and his hip.

What does he do with it?
He doesn't use it.

He just sits around here with it
or sits at home with it.

He could've done that with the old one.

Pain, mate. I was in pain.

So you was in pain,
but a couple of jars of aspros

would have been less of a burden
on the taxpayer.

I paid in for that! I told you,
I'm not a bloody scrounger!

D'you know, there's more
and more of you lot every year.

Pulling in your pensions, little allowance
here, another allowance there.

You should not expect
to live for ever and for nothing.

I paid in! I paid in! How many more
bloody times I got to tell you?

Yeah, but not enough. I mean, these things
don't come for free, you know.

Someone's got to pay
for all this spare-part surgery.

That's where all the government
money's going! Listen...

I work hard, yeah?
And then I'm clobbered for taxes.

Not for something that I need,
I can look after myself,

but I'm paying out
for all these old people

pottering on into their nineties
and hundreds.

It's not like they give them
any work to do.

They could be sweeping the streets,
odd jobs,

they could be picking up litter,

but all this idea that they just have to
sit around doing nothing at home,

that's a mistake,
and a terrifying burden on the rest of us.

- I paid in since I was 14.
- I've never had a penny out of them.

Same as me.

And now it's coming near our turn,

when there's likely to be
things going wrong with us,

and they're running out of money.

They've already spent some of our money.

That money should be put aside for us.

They should say, "There you are,
there is Mr Alfred Garnett's money.

- "There is Mr Artie Luscombe's money."
- Right, right.

"That's for them, for when they need it."

- What about my money?
- "There's Mrs Hollingbery's money."

- You haven't given me as much as you.
- Will you shut up?!

That money should be put in the bank,
should be waiting for us when we want it.

Yeah, and if we're never ill,
they should let us have a holiday with it.

And if I want a new kidney,
or Arthur wants a new chest...

Or I want to go to the Isle of Wight.

...we shouldn't have to queue up for it
because we're already in credit.

We should be able to say to them, "Look,
just give us the money what we paid in,

"we'll buy our own chest,
our own kidney on the open market."

- On the open market?
- They're doing that now.

The other week, a bloke bought
a kidney from Turkey, didn't he?

All right, it was foreign kidney,
but it was a new one.

Well...fresh.

- They've stopped all that.
- Why? What's wrong with it?

It's your own money,
you should be able to buy what you like.

It's got to be donated.

You can't go round buying
and selling bits of people.

I see. Back to
something for nothing again, is it?

So if Arthur was to see
a new chest he liked,

one that would suit him better than
the one what he's got, he couldn't buy it?

- No.
- Even if the person wanted to sell it?

If he was hard up, say,
or he wanted to buy a new car?

I mean, he might want a new house,
or redecorate his old one?

No! Although it's his own kidney,
his own whatever,

he's not allowed to sell it
and do his self a bit of good, oh, no.

He's got to give it away.

That's bloody socialism, that is.
It's not market forces.

D'you know what, Arthur?

Them kidneys is fetching £6,000 apiece.

- Never!
- £6,000 apiece.

Who in their right mind
is gonna give it away

if they can fetch £6,000 for it?
I mean, would you?

Your party is the Labour Party,
Mr Garnett.

The old people's party.
The caring party. But at whose expense?

Look, apart from that hip of mine,
I've never had a day off work in my life.

Don't worry, you'll be one of those who
go off quick. Here one day, gone tomorrow.

Give no-one time for any planning
and make it awkward for everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry(!) You'd rather
I had a nice long illness, would you?

Hang about and suffer a bit?

No, I don't think
I'd like to see you suffer,

but it would be more considerate if
you took a bit of time over it. I mean...

I don't like people
popping off sudden - it's inconvenient.

I wouldn't wish to inconvenience you,
my dear(!)

- (CHUCKLES)
- MRS HOLLINGBERY: It's not funny.

There's so much to do
when somebody dies.

It's so much easier
if you can get a bit of warning,

and, um...a chance to prepare.

It's all right, mate,

we're only talking about it,
I'm not going yet.

- Bloody Nugent, the undertaker.
- Ooh, yeah.

I hate him, the way he sits there
with that bloody grin of his.

He's all right, Mr Nugent, yeah.

He's very helpful.
I've joined his funeral club.

You've done what?

For you... For you. I don't want
to be caught out sudden.

Well, I mean,
it's only a few shillings a week.

Here, listen, he'd like
your measurements and weight.

When you've got time.

- He likes to be prepared, you see?
- Oh, I see.

Cos he has to order the wood and
the handles and all those sort of things.

He told me, he can't afford
to carry much stock these days

- cos everything is so expensive.
- Oh, it is.

He hates it when they pop off sudden too.

I don't want to join
his bloody funeral club.

If I can afford to join a club,
there's other clubs I'd rather belong to.

You want a decent send-off, don't you?

I'm not that bothered particular.

If you've got money to spare, my dear,
I'd rather you spent it on me here, now,

rather than spend it on him
after I've gone.

Why don't you sod off?

I agree with Mr Garnett.

You don't want to pay for anything
in advance when you get to his age.

Pay for everything in arrears,
especially your poll tax and your rent.

Now is your time for running up debts,
mate, if you can.

Go on, Alf, it's your round.
See if you can get it on a slate!

Here!

Did you turn the lights off
before we come out?

There wasn't any lights to turn off.
There was a power failure.

There was switches to turn off,
wasn't there?

Gordon Bennett! I'm not made of money.

You'll have us both
in the bloody workhouse.

Look! Off! On!

Off! On! Off! On!

Understand? Here y'are, the other one!
Off! On! See? Off! On!

Same with the lamp over, here. Look, see?
Off, on! Off, on! Off, on!

Now I'll show you, my dear.

Give me your little thumb.

There! Off, on! See? Off, on!

Off, on. Off, on!

Off...

MRS HOLLINGBERY: That's very clever(!)
Now you will be saving electric.

You've blown the fuse!

ALF: I'll blow your bloody fuse
in a minute. Get out!

# Now, my old darling
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# But I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact!

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do”

# In sickness and in health
I said "I do.” #